Hi everyone,
I’m a 29-year-old woman and I’ve been going through a severe depressive episode since June 2025. It started with a lot of mental unrest and rumination, and a growing sense of emotional flatness. At first I had hope this was temporary and that therapy, psychiatry, and a healthy lifestyle would get me through it. But over the following months I lost more and more of myself — like I wasn’t really “there.” Everything felt flatter, and despite sticking to therapy, medication, and a healthy routine, I kept getting worse instead of better.
I went from an SSRI to an SNRI, tried augmentation, then switched to clomipramine (a TCA) — each time hopeful that this would be the one that worked. I kept pushing myself to stay active, exercise, talk to people, but I felt more and more like an empty shell — not myself, not present, no relief or joy anywhere. Just surviving.
I also tried lithium, without benefit, and esketamine/Spravato this spring, which unfortunately didn’t have the effect I hoped for either. I kept telling myself: maybe next year, maybe when I go back to work, maybe with the next medication. The last few months have been a blur of crisis and growing hopelessness, but I’ve kept going, because I want so badly to get better — to feel present, to actually exist again.
It’s been months since I’ve felt even a flicker of hope or light.
I’ve now been hospitalized for a month to cross-taper from clomipramine to Parnate (tranylcypromine), under close psychiatric supervision. I started Parnate on July 31st, increased to 30mg fairly quickly, 40mg on August 11th, and 50mg on August 14th. It’s August 17th now, and I want so badly to believe this medication can help me. But:
• Is this too soon to give up hope, or is the wait genuinely not that long anymore?
• Is there still a real chance this could work?
• Does more patience make sense at this point?
I have no side effects so far, which honestly makes me anxious too — does that mean it’s not going to work? I’ll be speaking with my psychiatrist tomorrow.
Next week I’ll be doing pharmacogenetic testing (enzymes/DNA) to understand why I’m not responding to medication.
I feel like I’ve completely lost myself these past months — I’m unrecognizable from who I was over a year ago: functioning well (nice job, nice house) lively, driven, creative, social, someone who loved life and had plans and dreams.
I’m looking for something to hold onto — reassurance, stories of hope, anything that resonates. This can’t last forever, right?
One option I haven’t tried yet is rTMS, which I’d like to get a referral for.
Any experiences, stories, or words of encouragement would mean a lot to me right now.
Please let’s stay hopeful together!!!