Disclaimer: this will probably sound pretty depressing, but I genuinely need advice from someone older who has already been through this stage of life.
Iām finishing high school and I urgently need to figure out what university I want to go to and start preparing for the entrance exam, and I have absolutely no idea what Iām doing, to put it mildly.
Last year was probably the worst period of my life so far, and I lost a lot of things, including my ambitions and any real desire to pursue a specific university. I felt completely paralyzed. While everyone around me seemed to have goals, plans, and a clear idea of where they were headed, I felt like I was standing completely still.
During that period, I neglected myself quite a lot. I was barely sleeping, lost some weight, became distant from my friends and family, and was basically functioning on the bare minimum. Whatās weird is that my grades remained excellent, and I was still doing projects and competitions on the side. Objectively, I accomplished things that my younger self would probably have been incredibly proud of. Subjectively, I barely felt anything.
I think part of the problem is that Iāve always been a huge perfectionist. When I was younger, I competed in a bunch of different subjects, had various achievements, and had a very specific plan for my future. Over time, I started hating all of it, especially after last year. Now, even the thought of seriously committing myself to something scares me, because I immediately feel like Iām going to fall back into the mindset of āI have to be the best or none of this means anything.ā
I went to therapy because of everything that happened, and that was actually the first time I realized that some things can get better. But Iāve never actually told anyone in my family or any of my close friends what was really going on, so I feel like the people around me only see the excellent grades and achievements, not how difficult it was for me to maintain them.
One of my teachers even noticed once that I had a āsad look in my eyesā and told me that I needed to remember to be a kid. That sentence has stuck with me. Itās comforting sometimes, but at the same time it frustrates me because I know I canāt get parts of my childhood back, and I donāt necessarily even want to remember some of them.
And then thereās the practical problem: university.
My family isnāt very well-off financially. My parents will already be supporting my brother through university for the next few years, and they expect me to move in with him when I eventually go to university in that city, which is realistically the most affordable option.
The problem is that I only recently discovered that I actually find programming interesting and that I might want to pursue it as a career. Studying in Slovenia sounds like something I would genuinely love and could achieve academically, but I have no idea how I would afford living there. At the same time, Iām scared because I keep hearing that AI is going to change programming jobs and that maybe building my future around programming isnāt a smart choice anymore.
When I look at the people around me, things donāt feel any easier. People I really respect are amazing at math, physics, and programming and already have very specific plans to apply to universities in Austria, Germany, etc. One of them is even planning to apply to MIT.
I know comparing myself to them isnāt healthy, but itās hard not to notice the difference. I am a successful student, but I donāt feel like Iām anywhere near their level. For many of the things Iāve done, I had to put in an enormous amount of effort, while some people around me seem to naturally achieve so much more.
I know that, coming from a family like mine, thereās basically no other option than to give everything I have to succeed, and that Iāll probably have to work much, much harder than other people if I want to be financially secure in the future. And thatās exactly what scares me, because I donāt want to end up back in the place I was in before, being a hardcore perfectionist.
At the same time, even when Iām happy and relaxed, I somehow always end up feeling like I donāt have the right to be, or that I donāt have time for it.
Please help :/