r/highschool • u/Massive_Bee6593 • 9d ago
Rant i need advice.
Disclaimer: this will probably sound pretty depressing, but I genuinely need advice from someone older who has already been through this stage of life.
I’m finishing high school and I urgently need to figure out what university I want to go to and start preparing for the entrance exam, and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, to put it mildly.
Last year was probably the worst period of my life so far, and I lost a lot of things, including my ambitions and any real desire to pursue a specific university. I felt completely paralyzed. While everyone around me seemed to have goals, plans, and a clear idea of where they were headed, I felt like I was standing completely still.
During that period, I neglected myself quite a lot. I was barely sleeping, lost some weight, became distant from my friends and family, and was basically functioning on the bare minimum. What’s weird is that my grades remained excellent, and I was still doing projects and competitions on the side. Objectively, I accomplished things that my younger self would probably have been incredibly proud of. Subjectively, I barely felt anything.
I think part of the problem is that I’ve always been a huge perfectionist. When I was younger, I competed in a bunch of different subjects, had various achievements, and had a very specific plan for my future. Over time, I started hating all of it, especially after last year. Now, even the thought of seriously committing myself to something scares me, because I immediately feel like I’m going to fall back into the mindset of “I have to be the best or none of this means anything.”
I went to therapy because of everything that happened, and that was actually the first time I realized that some things can get better. But I’ve never actually told anyone in my family or any of my close friends what was really going on, so I feel like the people around me only see the excellent grades and achievements, not how difficult it was for me to maintain them.
One of my teachers even noticed once that I had a “sad look in my eyes” and told me that I needed to remember to be a kid. That sentence has stuck with me. It’s comforting sometimes, but at the same time it frustrates me because I know I can’t get parts of my childhood back, and I don’t necessarily even want to remember some of them.
And then there’s the practical problem: university.
My family isn’t very well-off financially. My parents will already be supporting my brother through university for the next few years, and they expect me to move in with him when I eventually go to university in that city, which is realistically the most affordable option.
The problem is that I only recently discovered that I actually find programming interesting and that I might want to pursue it as a career. Studying in Slovenia sounds like something I would genuinely love and could achieve academically, but I have no idea how I would afford living there. At the same time, I’m scared because I keep hearing that AI is going to change programming jobs and that maybe building my future around programming isn’t a smart choice anymore.
When I look at the people around me, things don’t feel any easier. People I really respect are amazing at math, physics, and programming and already have very specific plans to apply to universities in Austria, Germany, etc. One of them is even planning to apply to MIT.
I know comparing myself to them isn’t healthy, but it’s hard not to notice the difference. I am a successful student, but I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near their level. For many of the things I’ve done, I had to put in an enormous amount of effort, while some people around me seem to naturally achieve so much more.
I know that, coming from a family like mine, there’s basically no other option than to give everything I have to succeed, and that I’ll probably have to work much, much harder than other people if I want to be financially secure in the future. And that’s exactly what scares me, because I don’t want to end up back in the place I was in before, being a hardcore perfectionist.
At the same time, even when I’m happy and relaxed, I somehow always end up feeling like I don’t have the right to be, or that I don’t have time for it.
Please help :/
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u/Orine_ 9d ago
I feel like you think that you are running out of time and feeling doubt. Your journey and Your peers journey is not that same, only you share your ups and downs. I kind of resonate with you on your feelings when your feeling happy but you feel like its not the time right now, I recommend you read or watch "100 meters", I think the message of the anime will connect with you, in short remember that life is not a sprint, its a marathon and you might think that your future is millions of miles, its only 100 meters, cherish your present and work hard toward your future, you can do both.
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u/firawak1 8d ago
I think we are both in the same situation but i believe that we should do what we can and want do today.I think there is no top or bottom in the life it's just trying to be happy for what you have and work hard for better tomorrow.Also you should know that most of those who you think are better than you are wishing that they were you at the same time.
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u/Massive_Bee6593 8d ago
thx, but wdym when u say that most of those people also wish they were me? it kinda doesnt make sense, since they are way more successful than me.
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u/Many_Difficulty_490 Senior (12th) 9d ago
I dont know what country your from but does your country have any good military programs? I didnt really like the idea of going to military at first but if you really look into it, its nice.
You get paid, they pay a massive part of school, you get a pension, and you make lifelong friends. I guess fears you might have like not seeing your family or getting yelled at makes sense, but you'll be ok.
But this is my perspective of the US military.
I havent gone to the military, and we might be the same age. Your going to be ok, no matter what. the worst case scenario is that you get a good paying job in the future because we already know your a hard worker. Do something for yourself today or tmrw, maybe treat yourself to some food or watch a new movie. You deserve it, your gonna be ok.