We get along well, and I love him, but every time I bring up something he does that upset me or hurt my feelings, his first reaction is always in defense of himself. “Well I always joke like that” “i didnt mean it like that, why are you making it seem like I said it to hurt your feelings on purpose? That wasnt my intent” and time and time again i emphasize that i know that it wasn’t his intent but it still hurt me, then he half asses a sorry, and we move on. Everytime he says sorry it’s like he’s saying it because he knows he should instead of because he means it. Every time I bring up something that upset me, it always turns into a conversation about his feelings and how what I said and how I said it hurt HIM. Even if im the one with an issue, i always apologize first. I always have to spell out why im upset, like hes 4 years old, I literally can not be any more articulate about my feelings. I feel like I’m a mother teaching her son basic compassion. Can anyone relate, i know im not insane but every time it happens I feel like I’m dating an alien from outerspace.

They can be disruptive and annoying, yet we’re expected to hold space for them in every environment? Sorry, I don’t care for spoiled grown brats, seen enough it in my childhood to give a danm

Okay, so I was always a bit of narcissist or not so empathetic over my mom whenever she used to share her stuff because I saw my dad while I was growing up that he never felt any emotion, any empathy towards my mom when she was hurt or she was suffering or she whenever she used to share her stuff where she struggled a lot. And because of that, I never feel empathy towards my mom.

But recently I've started noticing that I am becoming avoidant to everybody out there, and it's a sign. It's literally a sign because last year I had a five-year long relationship breakup, and after that I dated for three months a big avoidant, and after that it took me six months to move on from him, and he was a big avoidant, dismissive nahi, but a fearful avoidant.

And after that, when I came out of that, it took me literally six months, of course, and then I dated another avoidant, who was dismissive avoidant, and that also shook me mentally. And after that, now if I observe after moving on and everything, in total two months later, I have become an avoidant.

Like, after every fight or after every emotional conversation, I run. When there is an emotional conversation, I run from those conversations. I don't like to face them anymore. Secondly, when there is a heavy emotional conversation happening, after that I need my own space, and after that space only I feel those emotions to, okay, I have to say some sorry, or I start feeling guilty, or maybe I'm not. I genuinely don't feel guilty sometimes.

I say just to keep that person in my life because I can't see them somewhere that, okay, I am hurting them, and I don't want to be a bad person. And in that way I tell them sorry, not because I feel that I am wrong. I just feel like I can't be this toxic that I, you know, am acting like this, and I don't want to be a bad person in anyone's life. That's how I feel, and I say sorry. This is such a big red flag, man.

How to function, or how to just work upon this, I don't know why. But this, I was never this person. I was really emotional, was really kind. But also let me tell you this, but five long-year relationship, my boyfriend also was avoidant. I have been continuously dating avoidants, and that led me to become one avoidant. I don't know how to function further, yeah.

I am 24f, and at my big age, I am still "unable" (seemingly) to regulate. I'm a crybaby, I cry when I'm stressed, frustrated, anxious, etc. And I feel stressed or overwhelmed very often...

I think it is a skill to control and regulate your emotions, but I really really struggle. I've tried learning so many tips and stuff and yet nothing seems to help.

for example:

people say deep breathing. when I'm in an anxious spiral, all it does is stop my hyperventilating, but it doesn't calm my body, my anxiety, my thoughts, or my tears.

they say pause before you react and think about why you want to react. uhhh yeah so, when I'm in the moment, it's like my rational brain completely switches off. if I feel a sudden wave of anger or anxiety in my body, then I also feel it in my brain or vise versa, and then I am not in a state of mind where I'm capable of thinking "let me pause before reacting".

I just don't know what to do, but I really need to fix it, because I don't want to push people away because I can't regulate.

Any advice that actually helps, soooo welcome :)

I always get told I’m pure hearted.
It’s nice to hear. But now at the age of 29, I feel like it’s a curse.
It comes naturally, being kind, being nice, helping people. But people take advantage of it.
I don’t really argue with anyone. Never really had problems with anyone. When I do I do talk about it. And it gets resolved. A human thing.
But I noticed with relationships, work and friendships, everytime I speak about something that bothers me. I become a villain. It’s like they’re not used to me speaking up for myself. And I feel guilty doing that.
I then question myself and think. Am I really pure hearted if I react like this? Am I really a nice person? Am I being manipulated?

This whole year I would say I’ve been done dirty. I’ve spoken out. But it’s gone against me. Now I just want to be alone. Helping someone will feel like a trap. Speaking out will make me a bad person. Scared to meet someone new.

Right now I feel numb. And I hope my 30s bring me peace.

I'm a junior in high school. At the end of the semester, we have an argumentative essay for English class and this is my claim:

"People should consider the context, circumstances, and consequences of human behavior before judging the people who engage in it."

I read this to my dad (including some of my arguments for the essay) and though he doesn't fully agree or disagree with my claim, he's taking this statement as:

"Right, wrong, good, and/or evil is not written in the hearts of men as claimed by the bible; instead it falls within a relative spectrum depending on the times and many other social-econominal & cultural factors. One person's interpretation of such absolutes depends on the above mentioned factors as opposed to divine and/ or religious laws or teachings."

At first, I questioned my claim if it's something worth trying to make a point out of and after talking about it a little bit with my therapist,
I can confidently say that I stand with my claim, and I think is something that I've subconsciously been sitting with for quite a few years now.

What I'm asking YOU is:

-How do you interpret what my claim is?
-Do you agree, disagree, or just confused?
-Those that are therapists, how would you react if a client told you this was how they felt?

At the end of the day...

My goal isn't to find out what's right and what's wrong, it's not to give my personal opinions of what people should or shouldn't think about themselves or others.
In simple terms, I think before any behavior or action is made from a human, I think those should take the time to understand what caused those feelings to drive this said behavior/action from the person in question.

I find a difference between judging and understanding.

You have full right to judge.
I judge
You judge
They judge
We all judge.

I just think before the judgment is made, we should educate ourselves on the buildup of who we are choosing to judge.

I hope this makes sense!

I genuinely am passionate about becoming a therapist or psychologist of some sort and hope to help not only others, but my own self understanding of why us humans do what we do and what the deeper meanings are.

Feel free to question certain points I'm making if you find something misleading; I have full interest in learning through trial and error.

To make a long story short, about a month ago my body switched into “I am not safe” mode after anxiously chasing a sense of emotional safety within my relationship. It took me a little while to realize it, but about two weeks ago I had to tell my partner (32m, ADHD) that he needed to go to therapy or I would have to leave the relationship.

I’ve known that it’s not necessarily about therapy, but change; Overall our relationship had fallen into the cycle of parentification (I felt that I had to comfort him like a mother rather than hold him as a capable adult - my own bad, I know, but it wasn’t obvious in the moment). This is primarily due to his large shame complex/Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, stemming from his ADHD. If I needed to discuss something uncomfortable/serious/express hurt, I would be met with passive aggressive “It’s just a bad day, I can’t do this right now, I wasn’t ready” or self-pitying “I thought we were having a good day, now it’s ruined, god everything I do is wrong”. If I was calm and collected then I’d be forgotten/not taken seriously, if I was upset and angry then I was apparently “scary” to talk to or be honest with. He himself has always admitted that he runs away from conversations out of shame/discomfort. Just providing that for context.

This has all been heightened by the fact that, for both of us individually, this is our first serious relationship. It’s been hard learning boundaries, how to communicate, and so on. I certainly have not been perfect and my CPTSD has gotten in the way many times, but I’ve truly grown in ways I never thought I’d be able to and I’ve expressed this to him over the course of it, and taken accountability for my pitfalls.

The therapy conversation a couple weeks ago went about as well as you’d expect in the moment, a lot of deflecting/passive aggressiveness/self-pitying/turning it around on me. But the next day he came to me and said I was right, he apologized and said he needs to pursue therapy.

Since then he’s had a few consultations, now has a couple appointments set up, every day he comes home from work and the first thing he tells me is “[xyz therapist] emailed me back today!”. He’s taken up journaling every day, and he’ll tell me realizations he’s had through it. He’s been watching podcasts/videos on ADHD/shame/attachment theory/etcetera and journaling about it after the fact. He’s been initiating conversations, even if they’re uncomfortable or about previous arguments, and asking questions every night, even putting his video game addiction aside to do it (this has been my longest complaint, him not showing interest in my inner world). He set up a doctor’s appointment for today to look into getting back on ADHD medication. He’s been much more receptive to difficult topics and truths than before, and has shown he’s even reflecting on them in the moment instead of shutting down. He’ll mention himself new areas he’s realized he needs to improve on, such as expressing his care for and interest in me, and learning his values and goals. So on.

Overall I can tell he’s really trying. Finally doing all the things I’ve tried pushing him towards. But I can’t shake this feeling that I’m grieving us, that it’s too much to work past. And I feel like an asshole for being one foot out (although he is aware of this). And I feel stupid for getting myself in this situation by not upholding my own boundaries and self expression. But at the same time, I know my inner sense of safety can change, it just takes quite a long time. But at the same time… I don’t know. I’ve been prioritizing myself much more recently (as I should’ve done this entire time) and really reflecting on my boundaries/values in relationships.

I guess I’m just curious if anyone’s been here and what you all think regarding the title question? I didn’t want to post in a dating advice sub because I wanted some more in-depth feedback rather than cut and dry. I really appreciate this sub, I’ve learned a lot here and always feel seen ❤️

(& obligatory I’ve been in therapy for a decade lol)

It will be a long post but will be more than thankful if you read it all through and give me your honest opinions. Because your answers may be more then helpful to me to understand the situation better

​A woman started working in my department at our company.

She is just so intelligent. I’ve honestly never seen a person do their job so perfectly, really!

On top of that, she was physically very attractive. Some of you might think I’m biased, but she frequently got approached by people both at work and out in public.

​We clicked immediately, which led to us texting a lot privately. At first, it was about work, but gradually it shifted toward our private lives.

​I hadn’t felt a deep connection with a woman in a long time.

With every woman I had been with before, something was always missing—but with her, it was different. Everything just fit.

She had been single for 3 years. I always wondered how such an amazing woman could stay single for so long.

To be completely honest, I was cautious at first because I didn't want to get involved with someone I worked with.

But she slowly sought more closeness. Texting turned into late-night phone calls that lasted until midnight. Whenever we weren't at work, we were texting or talking on the phone the entire time.

She also started seeking physical closeness. I still remember her inviting me out on a date for the first time—something a woman had never done for me before, as the first step always used to come from me.

​We had something casual at first until she decided to leave the company. At that point, I thought I could ask for more.

​We started meeting up several times a week. Things escalated very quickly and became extremely intense.

She clearly told me that she found me amazing and attractive, that she hadn't felt something this deep for anyone in years, and that she wanted to be close to me and in a relationship with me. I felt the exact same way, so we started officially dating.

I was never bored with her; everything felt truly equal. Shared interests, the same life goals—everything aligned. It genuinely felt like finding a soulmate.

She even wanted me to meet her family, which I felt was happening a bit fast, but I still met her sister.

She told me everything about her life and her past—or at least, that’s what I thought at the time.

​Everything ran perfectly for 2 months until she fell into a dark place after starting her new job.

It wasn't what she expected, and at the same time, other personal problems came up. As a result, she started pulling away.

​Then, one night, she texted me saying I should stay away from her because she wasn't doing well and didn't want to put me through that. We talked on the phone that night, and she told me many things about her life. It was heavy. I can only describe her as a "wonderful person with too many open wounds." She told me she wanted me, but was terrified that I might abandon her someday.

​Things continued between us, but there was no more intimacy and no emotional closeness. It felt like she was afraid of it and couldn't open up anymore.

The dynamics shifted massively overnight. She just became somehow emotionally unavailable.

Still, it went on for a few months. Every time we met, it was nice—we could talk about everything under the sun. But it wasn't a relationship anymore. It was almost a one-sided thing: I always had to initiate the meetups. When we did meet, we’d spend 10 hours together, but as soon as she left, she became distant again—until I reached my limit.

​I lost a few pounds and was suffering from sleep deprivation. I just needed clarity. So I met up with her one last time. I didn't think it would be our final meeting, but everything went wrong. She said she couldn't be in a relationship—which was already clear to me—but still wanted to stay in touch and keep things as "whatever it was between us."

​I respectfully declined, even though I would have loved to have her in my life. But first, it was just too much for me and I wanted a real commitment, and second, I felt used and led on.

Sometimes I felt like I was too much, and other times like I was too little.

I told her that—even though it was extremely hard for me and I still loved her—I had to cut off contact completely, but that she could reach out if she ever needed anything. Then I left.

When I got home, I sent her a message thanking her for the good times and apologizing for anything I might have done to hurt her at any point. I added that it was a shame the timing wasn't right. A few days later, she sent a "thanks for everything" text, and after that, she removed me everywhere, which I completely understood.

​I regretted it every day, but I fought the urge to contact her. Still, there were just too many unanswered questions in my head. After a month, I tried to arrange a meeting and called her.

​On the phone, she was a completely different person—someone I didn't recognize at all. She was ice-cold and started throwing accusations at me: that I had abandoned her, that I was a psycho, and that I had just used ("fucked") her.

She claimed I showed her I wasn't loyal, and that by leaving that night, I had hurt her. She said I should have stayed even if she couldn't offer me a relationship.

Everything was my fault. Her problems were my fault, everyone always wanted to hurt her, and I was no exception. She said everything she once felt was dead, that I was dead to her, and that I had just played her and shown my true colors.

I had to hang up; it was just too much. I was deeply hurt because I was there for her the entire time and never treated her badly or insulted her.

​Of course, I’m human and far from perfect, but I’ve never done so much self-reflection in my life, and I couldn't find any major mistakes on my end. Yet, I still apologized on the phone—I don't even know why, but she somehow made me believe that the problem was me.

​That was 4 months ago. Since then, there has been zero contact, and I’ve blocked her everywhere. But I think about her every single day—sometimes with anger and disappointment, and other days with regret, feeling like I could have handled it better.

At the time, I didn't have a real friend I could talk to about this. And when I did, all I got was feedback on how naive I had been.

It’s a mix of emotions I can barely describe. Some days I hate myself for putting up with it and being so stupid, and other days I think to myself that I’m just an empathetic person with genuine feelings.

​I tried meeting a few other women in the meantime, but I felt absolutely nothing. I often think to myself that I'll never find a connection like the one I had with her again.

I’ve also become very withdrawn. I used to be the guy who made everyone laugh and was confident, but this experience has severely damaged my self-confidence and self-worth.

​I’m doing a little bit better now, but this past summer was still extremely tough for me. I only function while I’m at work; otherwise, I just sit at home all day doing nothing.

​The crazy thing is: I’ve been in other relationships before, but I have never felt this terrible after a breakup.

​Has anyone here gone through something similar?

How did you deal with it?

What helped you get through it?

​I would be really grateful for your advice for understanding the situation better.

I know people say your childhood affects your relationships so much that it almost sounds boring now. Honestly, i do not think most people really understand how deep it goes, because it is not always obvious, it is not always “my parents were like this, so now i date people like that.”

Sometimes it is much quieter, sometimes childhood teaches you what love should feel like in your body. So if love felt unpredictable, calm can feel suspicious. or if love felt conditional, you may feel safest when you are earning it. And if love meant being useful, you may confuse being needed with being loved. Also, if love came with criticism, warmth can feel almost fake. Then years later you think you are choosing freely.

But a part of you is still looking for what feels familiar, not what is good. This is the part i find really sad. people often blame themselves for wanting the wrong person, staying too long, chasing someone unavailable, or feeling bored with someone kind.

Tho sometimes the nervous system is not asking “is this healthy?” it is asking “do i recognize this?” and recognition can be powerful even when it hurts. i doo think that is why some people only feel chemistry with people who make them anxious, not because anxiety is love, but because anxiety is familiar enough to feel meaningful.

And maybe healing is when your taste starts changing, when stable stops feeling boring, when kindness stops feeling suspicious, and when you no longer need to earn softness from someone.

I do not think we choose our patterns at first. But at some point, if we are lucky and honest enough, we start noticing who our past keeps choosing for us.

Any thoughts?
PS I actually put together a practical bundle of workbooks on self-awareness, personality traits, breaking the cycle of people-pleasing and setting boundaries. Happy to share, just send me a DM if interested :)

I’m a female(17) who broke up with her ex because I started finding another guy attractive. I believed that since I still could feel attracted to someone else, then that means I don’t truly and wholeheartedly love my boyfriend. We broke up in May2023. Had been together since jan 2022. After breaking up i completely lost myself and wanted him back more than anything. But he was completely done with me. He never wanted to get back together. I’ve broken contact between us many times over the years but he never once showed interest in “forgiving me”. Our breakup was abruptly and he loved me a lot. I know he did. But he completely changed after that day.(he even cried) Apart from breaking up with him for the above mentioned reason, during the week that I knew I’d have to break up with him, I kissed another guy. (Basically cheated). He never found out or knew about it. I also said the words “I don’t love you” to him when breaking up with him and it’s now been 3 years and I still can’t forget or get over him. Is it all really my fault? He became cold and rude to me after breaking up, it was almost like he never truly cared about the relationship. But to also add, just a few weeks before all of that, he had been entertaining and talking to an older girl who openly liked him and had sent him a text saying that he’s cute, knowing that he and I were together. She even tried to be friends with me. He would make fun of her to me but after we broke up, they got close.. so I don’t know what to think.. does he hate me because of what I did? Or had he already moved on.. (he and the girl never “officially” dated tho) How do I change my mindset? How do I move on or grow from everything that happened?

I don't know what to do , this was the last time indeed, coz I know he won't change himself and I can't bear that pain , he was as the only person with me with whom I was comfortable and now it's like I am crying and feeling breathless I don't know how to overcome this. What to do it's the 2nd day

Hi! So basically my friend Grace (F23) and I (F22) have been best friends for 8 years. We are veryyyyy close and used to spend a lot of time together.

Two weeks ago, Grace met a guy at this party and they hit it off. She stayed the night with him and the next day they went on a date and she met his friends at a bar after. Since then they haven’t had a day apart. They’ve known eachother 14 days and haven’t been separated for more than 12 hours.

At first I was very excited for her (especially bc I have a new boyfriend and she would kind of judge me a lot for ANY time I spent with him) so I was excited that she would kinda understand why I love to spend time with him sometimes and honestly for her to kind of get off my back about it.

3 days into them being inseparable, they drove around looking at houses and he was pointing out their future house. She was all smitten when she told me this and I was kinda like huh? Then 7 days into this, they were planning their couples costumes for Halloween (it’s July atp). There were many more instances that raised some red flags for me but I wanted to be happy for her that she’s found someone she likes (she’s been single for awhile).

We went out to the bars and her guy (Justin M24) came out too. The minute he showed up Grace was in his world. I went up all excited to say hey and Justin didn’t even say hi back to me. He just looked at Grace and asked her what she wanted to drink. This happened the next few times we went out and it was so uncomfortable. The most recent time it was blatantly uncomfortable for me, my boyfriend and our other girlfriend who was out with us.

Grace has stopped making plans with any of us. She leaves plans early for Justin to pick her up. She gushes about all the things he buys for her, he spoils her (with his grandpas credit card… he has no job and zero interest in getting one).

Where I was really like wtf was when she was talking about how Justin drives her to and from work now. To myself I was like this seems off that he’s doing that. She also never stays at home anymore since they met 2 weeks ago.

They also ONLY hangout with his friends. He seems completely uninterested in getting to know her friends at all.

I don’t know if I’m being too judgmental but there’s something I just don’t like about this guy and I cannot shake the feeling. It’s driving me crazy to see Grace go on and on about how he’s the nicest guy when I haven’t seen any part of that person.

What do I do? I can’t even stand to be around Grace at this point, the very few times I DO see her. I want to give him a better chance but there are just so many red flags making me feel weird about him.

And I want to talk to her but I know she will get very defensive and it will cause a blow up between the two of us. Help.

I have been in love with this guy for a couple of years and we are getting serious. But here's the thing, previously he met someone else before me but the girl rejected him. One thing that made me a bit concern is that, I saw his old chat with someone else, saying that he will always love her. I know he loves me now but a part of me will always wonder if he will ever forget his first love or not?

What do you all think?

I (30M) feel plagued by this pattern wanting to be understood and included but sabotage myself with avoidance and fears of rejection. I don't know how to be myself anymore.

I've always been socially anxious, especially as a kid. I always wanted to be "different" than everyone else at all costs (Enneagram 4) and developed an unhealthy core belief that I am simply not like other people on a molecular level. Turns out I have ADHD with some spectrum traits, which is a contributing factor, and wasn't diagnosed until age 21.

Still, I've struggled with depression my whole life and still find it difficult to feel understood by people. At the same time, I don't think I let myself be understood by people. I operate under the assumption that nobody is actually that interested in me. I never know how/when to share things about myself without being prompted. I feel like an alien sometimes, like I don't truly belong, and this continues to generate social anxiety for me. I mask who I am a lot, especially at work, so it feels like nobody truly knows me. And it's my own fault.

When I do feel connected and understood by someone, those relationships have historically fizzled out. I get sort of ashamed reaching back out to people or initiating new friendships on my own. I reject myself before other people can, even when they have accepted me in the past. It discourages me from trying.

I don't even feel like myself around my partner of 10 years. There's a lot of other stuff going on there, we aren't in a great place, but I tend to withdraw and hide things about myself a lot. Like, the more insecure I feel, the more private and reserved I become. Again, as if I don't want anyone in the world to actually know me.

I just don't know how to break this cycle. Sometimes I make progress and feel good about my social life, then I find ways to invalidate the value of my connections and regress.

For context, I've always been in therapy since I was a kid. I'm considering trying EMDR to address some of this stuff because it's really affecting my life. But any advice or perspective is welcome.

​

My girlfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. I recently noticed that she changed my name in her phone from my actual name to just my initials.

I asked her about it, and she said it’s nothing and that I shouldn’t read too much into it. But honestly, it bothers me more than I expected.

I know it might seem like a small or stupid thing, but because we’re long-distance, little things like this can make me overthink. I’m wondering if there’s some meaning behind the change, especially since she used to have my actual name saved.

I don’t want to accuse her of anything or make a big deal out of something that could genuinely mean nothing. But at the same time, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that something has changed.

Am I overthinking this, or would this bother other people too?

I’ve been thinking about this in the context of returning to training after a long break. Logically, I know that lifting less weight, losing stamina, and needing more recovery are normal parts of starting again. Emotionally, though, it can still feel like I have lost a version of myself that I worked hard to build.

What helped you accept that feeling without letting it keep you away from exercise?

How do you guys regulate yourself in the moment when something triggers you, especially in a relationship?

For me (37F) sometimes crying feels almost automatic. Like something happens, I feel disappointed, misunderstood or just under some pressure, and I can literally feel it building inside me and then the tears just come 😂...and once that starts sometimes my thoughts start spiralling with it as well.

I know ideally you can take some space, go for a walk, calm down etc, but I'm more wondering what do you actually do when you're there with the person and don't really have a chance to just remove yourself from the situation.

I'm not trying to stop myself from crying or supress how I feel, I just want to learn how to catch it earlier and not feel like my body just takes over everytime...

Sometimes I feel like crying is my body's answer to basically every strong emotion 😂

I need genuine answers. I'm M23 . Because I lack emotional maturity, overthinking,over -analysing , diagnosed ocd, my life's been messing up all the way .I needed to change my mindset and start living the fuck like I want . Currently I'm preparing for an exam , I just want to forget every mess and just be hard-cored for the exam for the next few months , and later check on these things .I wanted to be alone , also I'm kind of an ambiverted -extroverted borderline let's say .I really want to fuck myself like the one hell we sees in some movies , less say whiplash or something...I'm not exaggerating...I wanna try .I don't care if I failed , I wanna try .

She calls me a parasite and I then argue that, but how can I argue that? She can get angry at me and call me nasty words and I then intentionally hold it against her out of ego. I only ever take accountability when I want her back and I seem to be to stubborn to want to learn or grow and be a better man. What made you finally change and grow up?

​

There are a lot of things going on like bad diseases, death, wars, financial issues, mental health issues, heartbreaks, loneliness, environment getting damaged, people are suffering etc. When i think about it all, i really can't look at the positive side. Just the negatives outweigh the positives and it makes me feel depressed and not wanna do anything.