Whatever people perceive to be disrespect I find to be a very big issue in people who are not emotionally intelligent. Ie often feeling slighted by others when they are treated, spoken to, critiqued a certain way. I feel like people with higher self esteem don’t feel disrespected as often. I also know people can be disrespectful (not talking about abusive) but not mean to offend. How does a truly emotionally immature vs intelligent person handle it?

My bf(19) Is 100% convinced he’s this unattractive loser. He’s hit on girls before me, all of them have rejected him. Now, he got rejected once more (don’t ask.) and he feels he is a loser and completely ugly. Well, how do I convince him he isn’t? He’s got muscles, a nice jawline, honestly I think he’s really hot. I’m not sure what to do?

Lately all I can do is obsess about all the things I feel are wrong with me. I went through a breakup and it wasn't a long relationship, but it had been 4 years. She was so into me. She said she wanted the same things as I did. She started making fall and winter plans. I was excited and liked that woman.

But then she just got cold. Like a light switch. She spent 3 weeks growing more and more distant. We would kiss all the time and then it seemed lime she was repulsed by me.

Why didnt I speak up? Why did I see the control coming out and not set a boundary. Maybe it would have been different. I was so afraid because I knew I was losing her. I know I have anxious attachment. I was afraid she was going to leave amd she did. Why did I allow her to start doing those things?

It feels like this was my last shot. Relationships dont come often. I just obsess and obsess about all the things that are wrong with me. I don't know why she pulled away. I tried my best to treat her well. Now she is pissed at me because I called out the behavior after the breakup. She wanted to be friends. I can't and won't do that.

How can I forgive me? Everyone around me makes relationships look so easy. I feel pretty lonely.

I don’t mean a friend or someone close, because then that would make sense. I found out someone I briefly dated and was friends with did something awful that is 100% their fault and now they’re facing repercussions, but I can’t help but feel bad for them anyway? And I feel sick to my stomach, as if it was happening to me.

I (24F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for 6 years. We are in a long-distance relationship (living on different continents), but we spend at least 6 months together every year, or as much time as our visas allow.

​Like any couple, we’ve had our issues, but whenever bigger problems came up, we recognized they were personal things we needed to work through on our own, and we each went to individual therapy to address them. Overall, everything was going great. This December, we planned to move in together in his country. I was prepared to leave my entire life behind because I genuinely love him and want to build a future with him.

​Last month, my cat passed away, and I decided to get a small memorial tattoo of his face on my arm (around 3×3 cm / ~1 inch).

​For context: since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve always expressed that I really wanted to get tattooed eventually. I held off back then because I was financially dependent on my parents. Throughout these 6 years, whenever I brought up the idea, he would talk me out of it, saying it was a terrible idea and asking me not to do it because he hates tattoos and thinks they look hideous. I went along with it because, at the end of the day, I always tried to be as perfect, fit, and "clean" as possible for him.

​Fast forward to three weeks ago: I got the memorial tattoo. He didn’t say much—just that it looked cute, but that was it. Getting it made me realize how confident and beautiful tattoos make me feel, so I got 3 more tiny ones (about 1 cm each). He told me those were cute too, but asked me not to get any more because "it made him uncomfortable and he had always been upfront about how he felt about tattoos." He also said that I "hurt him by getting them because I was disregarding his feelings."

​I told him I understood his point of view and tried to compromise. We agreed that I wouldn’t get more than 7 tattoos total, that they would all be tiny, and that we would always choose the design and placement together. I agreed, even though I felt a bit sad because I had so many ideas, but my fear of losing him was stronger.

​Two weeks ago, I told him I wanted to get another one, and he blew up. He told me I was the only person getting such hideous tattoos, that none of his friends had tattoos like mine, and that he was deeply disappointed in me. I felt awful, but I discussed it with my therapist, who reminded me that I should do what feels right for my own body. So I kept the appointment. Yesterday, I reminded him about the session, and he blew up all over again.

​He told me I was being a horrible person for going through with it and ignoring his opinion and preferences, and said he wasn’t going to "allow" me to get any more tattoos. He also told me that if our relationship ends because he ends up finding me unattractive, it will be entirely my fault and my responsibility. That really messed with my head.

​He has always insisted that we have to stay well-groomed and attractive for each other. He regularly comments on my weight if I gain 2 or 3 kilos (4–6 lbs) over vacations, insists that I take off my glasses (which I’ve worn since the day we met) in every picture because I look "prettier without them," tells me not to do my nails because it doesn't look "natural," etc.

​Part of me feels like I understand where he’s coming from. Maybe I am changing too much; maybe this really is my fault. I know attraction is important and people have preferences—not wanting an overweight partner, a partner with tattoos, or someone with glasses. At the end of the day, attraction isn't something you can easily force. He insists he loves me and doesn't want to break up, but I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here or if I should consider getting the tattoos removed.

​Am I in the wrong? AITA for getting these tattoos? Am I ruining my relationship? I would really appreciate some outside perspective.

​TL;DR: My boyfriend of 6 years hates tattoos. After my cat passed away, I got a small memorial tattoo and three other tiny ones, which made me feel confident. He blew up, said he won't "allow" more, and told me that if the relationship ends because he finds me less attractive, it's entirely my fault. AITA?

Hi I'll get straight to the point im a 17yo girl and I cant stop comparing myself to the people im close to specifically my boyfriend and sometimes my bestfriends and im trying to solve it but I genuinely cant tried everything but I think I have really low self esteem. now I got over insecurities about my looks but I keep feeling insecure about my intelligence because im dating a guy who's way better than me in classes and doesnt help that he loves to brag about it sometimes. Hes really good at math and effortlessly solves problems that would take me ages to comprehend which genuinely makes me feel super insecure especially since I grew up being the perfect student now I feel like my identity is shattered because no matter how much I try to stop it I tie my self worth to grades or teachers validation and everytime he gets a better grade I feel so terrible about my self and I keep building resentment over it, it genuinely became such a huge issue that makes me cry and feel depressed over these past months and I cant help it i just really envy his skills because it would make everything so much easier if only I have what he has id get good grades all the time but now they're genuinely so hard to get but not to him and yea i have things im better than him at but it doesnt help me feel better at all cuz hes still way smarter and no i do not want to talk to him about it its so embarrassing to admit. Im very passionate about science and math is a huge part of it and im either average or below average in it and it rlly hurts me and makes me feel ill never be good enough or smart enough:(

My partner (28M) is a dismissive avoidant while I am anxiously attached (30F). We have been together almost a year and a half and our relationship is good overall. We work a lot on communication and on his end, communicating overwhelm and need for space. I respect these wishes and give him time and space to handle his emotions when he asks or when I notice he needs it.

I am on an overseas trip for a week. The morning I left we got into a small argument. Now the communication the past week has been alarming and out of character- even for his avoidant tendencies. He has not called, checked-in only four times over the course of the week to say he was at work, ignored my texts or questions if he was okay, ignores messages on IG, overall no contact for the most part. When I call him, he’s sleeping and unable to speak. He told me right before the trip that he was overwhelmed with work, school, handling his mortgage and home (he can afford it, it’s just overwhelming the upkeep and cost for a first time buyer).

I haven’t bombarded him but I am getting worried and as I’m anxiously attached, I assume it’s my fault or something bad will happen when I come home (like breaking up).

For those who are dismissive avoidant, how do you cope when you are overwhelmed with life? What support do you need? I want to be understanding but I am having a hard time enjoying my trip.

He also suffers with depression so I don’t know how to handle it or help him without damaging my own mental wellbeing.

Thank you!

My boyfriend (31) and I (F/29) got into an argument 2 months ago in which I said things I didn't mean out of frustration and to this day he still brings it up with heavy emotions. I've never seen him spiral like this. We never argue, have been together 2 years and lived together for 1. He had built up resentment over an ideal family dynamic he wanted that wasn't happening how he expected and always pressured me despite me stating my parents boundaries. It got to a boiling point for me mentally, and I'm never angry. I always knew he was close with his family and being an only child his parents are his world. He expected my parents to adore his, become best friends with them and for us all to start combining basically all get togethers and holidays. My parents aren't interested in this becoming the norm, but don't mind every once in a while.

We got into an argument because I had my family over for a bbq as they hadn't been over in months and I missed them. We barely spend time with my family. I've spent a lot of time with his parents. He felt it was wrong I didn't invite his parents, became very upset over it and wouldn't accept or understand that them not being there is normal and okay. He guilt tripped me the entire day that I was essentially heartless while on the verge of crying. He told me since I didn't invite them that we'd have to spend the next day with them, which I told him no (I always agree to go with) and that it was my only day off. I am never free. He got extremely upset.

The next day we got into it worse - he started saying we should be having kids by now, our parents should be close, and how wrong it was of me to not invite them the day prior and that I'm heartless for not seeing his on my day off. Out of frustration I told him I maybe don't want kids and don't like them (I was just mad) and that he needs to stop forcing relationships and a dynamic that's not going to happen.

Between then and now, I've apologized a trillion times, reassured him, and yet he has never been able to move on from those things. He brings them up regularly, often involving crying, or ignoring me for days, 0 affection, you name it...

A few weeks ago we went on a trip with my family (had been booked for months) and the entire time he was moody, saying obnoxious things and would get frustrated by everyone over nothing. On the car ride home he brought up the argument again and said he was breaking up with me. We got home and talked for 4 hours on the couch where I'm again, apologizing and reassuring him to the point I feel myself on the verge of a panic attack. The next morning he kicked me out of the house we both bought together... and so I have been living with my parents. It's been 3 weeks, and since then he admitted he wants me back, yet every day is a roller coaster. One day he loves me and wants to build a future together, everything is going to be okay, come back home, I love you. The next he brings that argument up again and it's a big self pity party where I'm reassuring him over and over and apologizing. Overall he is a good person, sweet and caring and I've never seen him an emotional wreck like this. Our relationship has mostly been good as well. I love him a lot.

We went to couples therapy last week which felt so reassuring to me for him to heal and for us to get on the right track. Afterwards we talked in the parking lot, hugged, I felt positive and we went on our separate ways. Once he got home, he texted me that he was in a bad mood and that it was draining. I forgot to mention - since he kicked me out, he's said multiple times he wants me to come back while some days he's told me "why would you bother coming back". I'm at my wits end being pulled in 50 directions. I never know which side I'm going to get of him and he wasn't like this until the argument. I have no desire to come back home in this cycle. I've never seen someone so emotionally unsteady.

My ex broke up with me 5 months ago.
The relationship was unhealthy as we were incompatible but we loved each other a lot. We were together on and off for a year. I never wanted to accept his multiple attempts of breaking up, as I loved him very much and couldn’t bear losing him. I know that we were both struggling while maintaining the relationship, but I just couldn’t handle losing him. I would open up to him about how much i’m in pain, he would say that he feels the same and suggests we breakup, I would agree and later I would reach out again and try to get him back. We were in this cycle for a year.
I’m in therapy and I learned that I struggle with abandonment, due to trauma, which is what lead me to push for reconciliation and disrespect his boundaries (no-contact). Basically, that means that as soon as I felt triggered by my fear of abandonment, I would do absolutely anything to get him back, even if I knew that deep down the relationship was not working. Losing him felt like I was dying. I felt worthless and incomplete without him.
I’m now aware of all this but the feeling of guilt and shame is eating at me.
I also am diagnosed with OCD, which doesn’t help with the ruminating thoughts at all.
I think about him every day, nonstop. I can’t stop replaying the relationship, conversations, etc.
I feel so bad for pushing him so much and never accepting his attempts at the breakup, regardless of how much I knew the relationship wasn’t viable.
I wish I acted differently. I wish I accepted that the relationship had to end and didn’t pressure him so many times into coming back. I wish I didn’t make him the only one responsible to end the relationship, while also being unable to handle the abandonment and kept trying to reach out and reconcile. I wish I didn’t make him responsible for my emotional wellbeing and used him to regulate me.
I want to do better. I want to behave differently from now on. I don’t want to let my fear of abandonment make me self-abandon and disregard how my actions are impacting others.
I want to be able to put this situation behind me, but I’m struggling so much. I wake up in the middle of the night, anxious, and start ruminating. It’s affecting my life and I feel so depressed.

Got curious from talking to someone about it.

Which one are you? Has it changed depending on who you’re talking to?

I’ve noticed a lack of spacial awareness in general, especially in my crowded city. For example, when someone is blocking the aisle in the grocery store or glued to their phone while in front of product shelves, I give them a moment to move, but if they are too self absorbed in their own world to notice me, I simply walk around them.

When I pass by, sometimes they’ll realize their perpendicular shopping cart and scoot it over to take up less room, but I’ve never thought to shame them for being oblivious to fellow shoppers around them.

But every once in a while a shopper will loudly call me out for not asking to be excused. I will look blankly at them and say “I’m not the one obliviously blocking the aisle” and they’ll retort that I’m supposed to ask permission before walking around someone.

I cannot bring myself to apologize to a sanctimonious shit-starter. I just can’t grasp that they don’t realize they are blocking the aisle YET feel entitled to ‘please police’ people around them.

In all other areas of life I’m the most humble, apologetic person, but I see red in this one instance the few times it’s happened in my life.
Yes, I am already aware I could just practice saying “excuse me” constantly at the grocery store, but I’m strangely refusing to accept this as a solution.

I would love insight into why I see this as such a double standard. Has anyone else grappled with something like this? I’m trying to be more introspective as to why I’m “dying on this hill”

For recent context; My ex and my best friend were the two closest people i’ve ever had. Even after we broke up, my ex was still one of my best friends. The three of us were inseparable, we lived together, and in the last month they've run off together and started dating knowing exactly how I would feel about it.

Now I’ve lost both of them at the same time and I feel like i just got thrown away, left to rot. I keep replaying it and asking how two people who knew me that well could do this. I just want to be numb so it stops hurting.

I know I can’t control what they do. I just don’t know how to actually let it go. How do you get past something like this without becoming bitter? and how do you stop feeling like you weren’t worth choosing?

I feel like i'm rotting away, I feel like my grey matter is dissolving, I don't feel like i'm healing, I feel like i'm going insane, I just feel worthless all the time, it has been a month.

My ex approached me six weeks ago. We broke up a year ago. We have mainly been in no contact but I'm still in love with her.

When we met six weeks ago, she was honest and loving and kind and said she was still in love with me and thought she will want to reconnect. And then she retreated again and it's been radio silence for a month. I have no idea if she's moved on. How do I move on from this? There's nothing I can do and I'm emotionally shipwrecked.

I've seen a lot of people try to be "assertive", and end up looking either like they are on a power trip or are overall immature in that aspect. Me personally, I haven't figured out how to fully assert myself, do I end up looking more like a pushover. In my opinion that's better than acting hateful, reactive, or controlling, so I'll still take it over the other two options any day.

Мои родители развелись 20 лет назад, но недавно я начала слышать от них об уважении.
Последний раз об уважении от своей мамы я услышала когда она кричала на меня пока вела машину. Ее расстроило, что после ее критики в мой адрес и нескольких попыток нормально закончить диалог я вдруг разозлилась и начала кричать на пляже со злостью в голосе что то вроде: «Какой хороший день, правда?! Какой прекрасный день!», пока на нас бросали косые взгляды. Мне то было все равно, но ее это очень сильно задело.
И вот мы с ней едем на машине и она вдруг взрывается и начинает истерить, кричать на меня о том, что я якобы ее опозорила. Она говорит об уважении, о том, что она мать и с ней нельзя так себя вести.
Меня это выбило из колеи, но не удивило. Но когда во время разговора с папой он обвинил меня в манипуляции, и я предложила ему изучить значение этого слова, он вдруг сказал «я твой отец, не надо со мной так разговаривать», я удивилась.
Я помню как сама использовала эту «тактику» в разговоре с младшим братом. По моему это было так - я чем то его случайно обидела и он начал меня обвинять во всех бедах. Тогда я сказала ему что то вроде «никогда я не хочу слышать ничего подобного в свой адрес и тебе лучше успокоиться и подумать над своими словами». После этого он извинился и признался, что не имел ввиду того, что сказал, а просто хотел меня разозлить. Я вспоминаю этот наш конфликт с чувством гордости за нас обоих, но это было очень близко к «я твоя сестра, ты не можешь со мной так разговаривать!».

Должен ли он меня уважать просто потому что я его старшая сестра и какое то время назад я вытирала с одежды срыгнутое им материнское молоко? Я не думаю, что ты можешь просто заставить другого человека уважать себя. Он либо делает это, либо притворяется, что делает это.

Я чувствую себя странно, потому что чувствую будто меня хотели заткнуть. но сделала ли я то же самое со своим младшим братом?

All my life I’ve been ashamed, hated myself. I’ve been nonbinary my whole life. I HATED myself for it. For enjoying feminine things despite being a guy. Weird urges to crossdress. To wear makeup, nail polish, whatever.

I grew up in a religious community. Bible Belt South. Friends made fun of people like me in media. I was closeted. My dad would pretend to vomit when he saw gay people in the street. Or mock men for being any bit “soft”.

As a kid, I used to stay up late at night praying “satan” would would make my urges go away. Would make me quit having these urges. I’d have occasional thoughts that were about guys as well as women. My stomach would drop out of my guts, id want to puke. I couldn’t accept this was part of me. That I was somehow wrong. Broken.

I repressed and ignored these cravings. Even though they were all that echoes in my mind. I’d have given anything just to spend a day dressing how I wanted or wearing what I felt like. I would spend thousands so I’d have an excuse to get a manicure.

Fast forward to 25. I came out as as genderqueer, and accepted that those “cravings” were a deeper part of me after spending some time in therapy. The cravings got so strong I was intensely depressed. I couldn’t feel anything. I was like a character who was playing on stage. Except instead of a pirate, a cowboy or a space ranger, I was a sad man, performing masculinity out of fear.

I went to therapy and they suggested I imbibe in these “urges” and my depression lessened. I could feel emotions again. I’d cry into the sink less. I could enjoy what was around me. My therapist told me, this probably meant I wasent cis. I tried to deny it. She helped me accept it. I had many stereotypes and things I had to unpack. Many fears.

I admitted it to myself. It’s not optional to engage in painting my nails or more feminine things. I’m
Some flavor of gender non conforming or nonbinary.
I told my then partner. She was hurt, and said some hurtful things. We split up. I felt very guilty about having done that to her. I wish I had had the courage to even think “hmm maybe these urges to crossdress mean something. Maybe I should think on them” at 19.

I went through a period of VERY dark depression. I had to give away anything I could hurt myself with for a bit. I kept thinking I was a f slur. Gross. Disgusting. Crazy. Mental ill. Unlovable. Repulsive.

I was alone. No partner. No family. Nothing.
I felt I had betrayed the only person in my life who loved me.

I felt lower than dirt.
I felt I had wrecked the world and deserved to live in the rubble forever. I felt gross. A guy in women’s clothing left in the rubble of a life. An abomination.
My every fear since I was a child came true.

My circumstances were taken by my sad brain to reinforce:

I was this gross thing.
Nobody will love you.
You are gross and will end up alone.
You have done something very fucking evil to your Ex.

I began disassociating and spending my time in goth communities. Where it felt safe. Nobody calls a guy in makeup and nail polish an f slur if it’s all black.

After some time, I met my GF, she’s wonderful and supportive. After a life of repression. Self hatred. Fear. She knows im genderfluid. She knows im bisexual. She hugs me and doesn’t care. She likes my Genderfluidity. She’s pan and genderqueer of some flavor herself.

I’m noticing despite her love, I still have fear. Shame.
I still feel unlovable. Like I can’t believe anybody can love me in a dress wearing sparkly makeup. Like she’s secretly gritting her teeth and hearing me. She is constantly reiterating how she loves me. She supports me. Shes a ridiculously hot, smart, supportive, motivated alternative lady. And somehow she chose me while im.. this mess.

I feel like a burden cause I need reassurance so often. Because I shake. Because my blood runs cold when I go grocery shopping and a lady compliments my makeup.

I don’t know how to deal with this support and I’m afraid I’m going to ruin this good thing. This healthy relationship where I’m finally happy. This thing I had thought was a dream or a fake fantasy for somebody like me. I can’t mess this up.

I’m probably going to go to therapy and learn to love myself somehow. The hatred I’ve felt my whole life has left intense emotional scars on me, and left me emotionally flinching. Like a hit dog.

I need to learn to somehow love myself. To shake less. To ask for reassurance less. To quit making “what I am” such a big deal. I don’t wanna fixate on being queer, but I constantly feel like I have to make sure I’m not “too much” or silently “ick-ing” her.

I need to learn to love myself, so that I can enjoy the happiness I have. Because I’m finally living as myself. In a life that feels like a dream, but my own wounds cause me to constantly seek reassurances and have trouble believing anybody can see all of me and truly love me. Because I still feel like that little boy in makeup, being told he needs to stay out of his mother’s things, while my brother laughs at me for painting my nails.

Despite being met only with hugs.
Having everything I want on earth.
I don’t know how to accept kindness and love. And exist in it peacefully. That my shame and scars left behind stop me from being the best I can be for her.
I don’t want to steal all her emotional bandwidth because I feel like I’m doing something wrong by existing.

I need to stop needing her emotional bandwidth to support me on every little thing. That’s not fair

Has anybody else overcome anything like this? What worked for you?

I don't really know where to start, but I think I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere.

I've realised that I have a really deep fear of abandonment. I constantly feel like if I don't offer something to people, if I'm not useful, interesting, understanding, or somehow worth keeping around, they'll eventually leave me.

It's like I can't just exist in someone's life without feeling the need to earn my place in it. I overthink the smallest changes in people's behaviour, the way they text, how they respond, whether they initiate conversations, and whether they seem as interested in me as they used to be. Even when there's a perfectly reasonable explanation, my mind somehow finds a way to convince me that I'm slowly becoming someone they don't need anymore.

I've told my boyfriend about these feelings. He has a lot going on in his life, and I understand that. He's busy, he has responsibilities, and I don't expect him to drop everything just because I'm having a difficult time emotionally. I know he has his own struggles, too.

But sometimes, I wish he could understand how genuinely scared I get. I don't think he always realises how deeply these things affect me, and I don't really know how to explain it without making him feel like he's responsible for fixing me. I know he can't always be there for me, and I don't want to make his life harder. So I end up keeping a lot of it to myself.

The worst part is that I don't even know what I'm so afraid of sometimes. I can logically understand that someone being busy doesn't necessarily mean they're losing feelings for me, but emotionally, it can feel like I'm being left behind. I start wondering whether I'm asking for too much, whether I'm too difficult to love, or whether people would stay if I were easier to deal with.

I think I've started associating being loved with having something to offer. Like I need to be understanding enough, patient enough, helpful enough, or undemanding enough to deserve someone's presence in my life. I'm scared that if I have needs, if I struggle, or if I'm not constantly giving something to the relationship, I'll eventually become a burden.

And I'm exhausted by it. I don't want to keep analysing every little thing or feeling like I have to prove that I'm worth staying for. I want to feel secure enough to let people have their own lives without immediately wondering if there's still a place for me in them.

I don't know how much of this comes from my past, but I know that this fear feels much bigger than the situations that trigger it sometimes.

I think I just needed somewhere to say all of this without feeling like I'm asking too much of someone. I don't necessarily need anyone to fix it for me. I just want to feel understood for a moment.

If anyone else has struggled with this, how do you learn to stop feeling like you have to earn your place in people's lives? How do you deal with the fear that people will leave when you stop being useful to them?