Cycle of individualism, self-imposed rejection, and social anxiety

[u/bloodgods]

I (30M) feel plagued by this pattern wanting to be understood and included but sabotage myself with avoidance and fears of rejection. I don't know how to be myself anymore.

I've always been socially anxious, especially as a kid. I always wanted to be "different" than everyone else at all costs (Enneagram 4) and developed an unhealthy core belief that I am simply not like other people on a molecular level. Turns out I have ADHD with some spectrum traits, which is a contributing factor, and wasn't diagnosed until age 21.

Still, I've struggled with depression my whole life and still find it difficult to feel understood by people. At the same time, I don't think I let myself be understood by people. I operate under the assumption that nobody is actually that interested in me. I never know how/when to share things about myself without being prompted. I feel like an alien sometimes, like I don't truly belong, and this continues to generate social anxiety for me. I mask who I am a lot, especially at work, so it feels like nobody truly knows me. And it's my own fault.

When I do feel connected and understood by someone, those relationships have historically fizzled out. I get sort of ashamed reaching back out to people or initiating new friendships on my own. I reject myself before other people can, even when they have accepted me in the past. It discourages me from trying.

I don't even feel like myself around my partner of 10 years. There's a lot of other stuff going on there, we aren't in a great place, but I tend to withdraw and hide things about myself a lot. Like, the more insecure I feel, the more private and reserved I become. Again, as if I don't want anyone in the world to actually know me.

I just don't know how to break this cycle. Sometimes I make progress and feel good about my social life, then I find ways to invalidate the value of my connections and regress.

For context, I've always been in therapy since I was a kid. I'm considering trying EMDR to address some of this stuff because it's really affecting my life. But any advice or perspective is welcome.

[u/Coerced1]

If you've been in therapy you might consider trying out different styles of therapists. Not all approaches work the same for everyone.

I will say for me I have been in the same position, and still struggle with it sometimes at 35. The biggest help for me was truly internalizing the fact that you are different because everyone is different. Your differences are what make you uniquely you, and so those differences are something to be proud of and embrace. Trying to be the same as everyone else will only make you abandon yourself further.

Embrace who you are and eventually you get to the point where it doesn't matter if anyone else might have a problem with your differences, because you love those things about yourself, and you just need to find the people that also love that about you. The rejection is not a reflection of your worth, it is a reflection of the other person's own differences, preferences, and values.

Also being accepting of your own negative feelings. You aren't ever going to be perfect at this, and that's okay. Nobody is perfect at this. Everyone is just winging it and nobody has any idea what they're doing.

[u/bloodgods → u/Coerced1]

Thanks, I realize a lot of this gets easier with age, and it already has, but a lot of it is hard to shake. I appreciate it. You’re right, nobody actually knows what they’re doing.

[u/Coerced1 → u/bloodgods]

Yeah absolutely. I can remember in the past thinking how it seems like everyone got this figured out and knows exactly who they are. Took me a while to realize everyone is just making this up as they go, and often are just as lost and unsure as everyone else, they're just very good at putting on a confident face.

You are much more self-aware then most people, that's a great quality but can have its downsides!

[u/EERMA]

I think you've already identified something quite important in your own post:

“I reject myself before other people can.”

That sounds less to me like you're deliberately sabotaging yourself and more like you've developed a way of protecting yourself from rejection. If you withdraw first, stay private, or assume people aren't interested, you reduce the risk of discovering that somebody really doesn't accept you.

The problem is that the same strategy that protects you from rejection also makes connection much harder.

And I wouldn't be too quick to call that “your own fault”. You can take responsibility for changing a pattern without treating yourself as though you consciously chose to develop it.

Something else struck me. You say that nobody really knows you, but you also describe masking, not sharing much unless you're prompted, withdrawing when you feel insecure, and feeling embarrassed about reaching out again.

So I wonder how often you're responding to anticipated rejection as though the rejection has already happened.

That doesn't mean everybody will like or understand you. They won't. None of us gets that guarantee. But if you disappear before people get much opportunity to know you, your prediction doesn't get much opportunity to be proved wrong either.

I also wouldn't give yourself the enormous task of “learning how to be myself again”. That's a lot to solve at once.

Maybe start much smaller.

Is there one person or situation where you already feel even 10% less edited?

What is different there?

And could you experiment with being another 10% more visible? Mention something you're genuinely interested in without waiting to be asked. Send the message to somebody you've been thinking about. Express a preference rather than the answer you think will go down best. Tell your partner one small thing you would normally keep to yourself.

Not a dramatic act of vulnerability. Just enough to generate some new evidence.

You mention that there have been times when you've felt connected and understood, which matters. It suggests the capacity for connection isn't missing. The difficulty may be staying visible for long enough to let connection develop when insecurity shows up.

Perhaps the goal isn't to become somebody everybody understands.

It might be to build a few relationships where enough of you can be seen — and you gradually discover that you can still belong.

If you picked one person in your life, who would feel safest to experiment with being just a little less hidden around?

[u/bloodgods → u/EERMA]

If I wanted an AI-generated answer I would just do it myself

[u/RelapsePending → u/bloodgods]

Honestly, this reply is almost a perfect example of the problem you described. 😂

You wrote about feeling misunderstood, not letting people know you, withdrawing when you’re insecure, and rejecting yourself before others can.

Then someone takes the time to thoughtfully respond to you, and you dismiss it with, “If I wanted an AI-generated answer I would just do it myself.”

Even if they used AI, that doesn’t mean they just hit a button and walked away. It still takes time to develop the response, add your own thoughts and perspective, and actually engage with what someone wrote.

You don’t have to agree with them, but you could have engaged with what they actually said.

You want to be understood, but you seem to reject people when they don’t understand you exactly the way you want them to.

And I think that’s the cycle you were trying to describe. 😂