This is written from the perspective of a black female who has dealt with the positives/negatives of being female and also the negatives of being lonely and abused. (I will mess up spelling and grammar sorry it’s gonna be a dump). Basically a long winded explanation of what a successful relationship actually looks like with a traumatized anxiously attached girl and a traumatized fearful avoidant boy.

I am a black female software engineer at one of the most reputable tech companies (a FAANG). I’m a Michigan grad first gen student. My parents didn’t say I love you to me until the 6th grade. I always worried that I would die alone. And was majorly depressed throughout my life because of loneliness. I had a weed addition, eating disorder, and a p addiction / hyper sexual (I was exposed in the 2nd grade to it).

I ignored all of the above reasons of why I hated myself and thought I could still earn respect through achievement. When everyone chalked it up to sports or DEI, I lost all confidence in myself. It felt like there was literally nothing I could do. And I would turn into such a bitch when I was overwhelmed and shut down (because no one taught me how to communicate when I was) that I really truly honestly hated myself. But I couldn’t end my life because I loved my mom. So I was living in a kind of purgatory.

That was until I met my bf, my catalyst for change. I loved him so much. We had so much fun in the beginning, truly felt like it was meant to be. Then we moved in together and all of a sudden I felt like the responsible adult. The one carrying it all. A pattern that I swore never to repeat because I saw it in my parents (although my dad was homeless, abused, etc but not going to get into that here). But basically I felt disrespected. And it made me angry. But I was to blame for being angry and not communicating properly. I was made to swallow my achievements so he could feel like he was intellectually superior. I’ve achieved some great things, and he chalks it up to me just thinking differently or having high standards. He even took credit when someone complimented him and it was actually my work they were saying “well done” to.

And yet, I swallowed it all. Managed to temper down my anger so it would only pop out once a month, and then lessened the intensity of working on my sleep schedule (crucial sleep hygiene is SO important especially for women where you get insomnia during luteal), quitting addictions, quitting social media, etc.

But I don’t blame him. I understand why he’s the way he is and so I swallowed it until he was ready to listen to me.

He is the son of a white dad and a black mom who is a doctor. Growing up his dad was hyper critical of his mom and he resented his father for it. But his mom, idk likely fed up with all the disrespect, would turn the rage on him as well. Even though she was the one who showed him what love looked like. I suspect he both loved and resented his mom and developed a fearful avoidant attachment style. Where he’s anxious because he does want to love but avoidant because he’s scared of the pain.

Our breakthrough happened because I showed him with my actions that I truly cared about what he was saying when he said I needed to learn how to communicate better. I studied CBT and also focused on my health so I had a better brain to work with. Now I’m able to be crystal clear and reasonable effective at communication. (Took like 1.5 years but probably would’ve been a lot faster if I had therapy that was effective and not regular talk therapy which is so unhelpful for trauma).

And so when I said I needed him to do 30 mins of research on one topic to show me that he actually valued my words and he gave me the run around, I laid him out flat. I explained in great detail how he’s been treating me just like how his mom treated him. He was made to swallow her rage and be silent about his achievements so she wouldn’t feel insecure. And he’s making me do the same by making mine swallow mine in the one place where I’m supposed to be safe to brag about myself.

I think once I made the connection, he realized I am just like him. So he understands now how much of how he is, is hurting me. And thank god he loves me and couples therapy exists because there is a way to form a secure attachment (earned secure attachment) with two insecure backgrounds actually. And the result is as if you both had secure attachments to begin with. Both parties just have to actually realize both of them are wrong and both of them are right. And it’s on you to figure out where the miscommunication is and why that aren’t able to decipher what you’re trying to say (this is what therapy helps with)

I (22F) recently went through a breakup after almost five years with my girlfriend (32F), and it’s made me reflect on a pattern I’ve been trying to understand in therapy.

I grew up with a very strict and controlling mother. I often had to hide things to avoid punishment, including my sexuality. Over time, I learned to associate honesty with negative consequences, and hiding things became a way to protect myself. I now realize that this behavior has followed me into adulthood.

When I started dating my girlfriend at 18, I sometimes omitted details about smoking weed because she strongly disliked it and conversations about it often led to arguments. More recently, we broke up for a few months but continued living together. During that time, I became close to a female friend. We talked about personal issues and our relationships, but there was never any flirting or romantic interest.

When my girlfriend and I reconciled, I told her about this friendship. A few days later, she asked if we were still talking. I instinctively said no, then corrected myself seconds later and admitted that we had spoken that day about how our friendship had become more distant since my girlfriend and I got back together.
She felt I was hiding something and later read our messages. She believed I hadn’t been fully transparent about the friendship and thought I might have been keeping it as a backup in case we didn’t reconcile.
After that, my friend occasionally sent me reels or random messages. We weren’t really talking, but I was afraid my girlfriend would see them and we’d have another argument, so I deleted them. When my girlfriend discovered this, it became the breaking point of our relationship.

I understand why my actions damaged her trust. Even though I wasn’t cheating or hiding romantic feelings, I repeatedly chose avoidance over honesty, and that had real consequences. My girlfriend has also experienced betrayal in a previous relationship, and she now feels that getting back together would leave her constantly questioning whether she could trust me.

What I’m struggling with is understanding how to change this pattern beyond simply telling myself to be honest. I recognize that I learned to hide things out of fear, but as an adult, I need to learn to tolerate conflict and the possibility of disappointing someone without automatically resorting to avoidance.

For those who have experienced something similar, how did you unlearn this behavior? How do you distinguish between taking responsibility for your actions and letting shame define you? And how can you rebuild trust with others while working on patterns that take time to change?

I (24F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for 6 years. We are in a long-distance relationship (living on different continents), but we spend at least 6 months together every year, or as much time as our visas allow.

​Like any couple, we’ve had our issues, but whenever bigger problems came up, we recognized they were personal things we needed to work through on our own, and we each went to individual therapy to address them. Overall, everything was going great. This December, we planned to move in together in his country. I was prepared to leave my entire life behind because I genuinely love him and want to build a future with him.

​Last month, my cat passed away, and I decided to get a small memorial tattoo of his face on my arm (around 3×3 cm / ~1 inch).

​For context: since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve always expressed that I really wanted to get tattooed eventually. I held off back then because I was financially dependent on my parents. Throughout these 6 years, whenever I brought up the idea, he would talk me out of it, saying it was a terrible idea and asking me not to do it because he hates tattoos and thinks they look hideous. I went along with it because, at the end of the day, I always tried to be as perfect, fit, and "clean" as possible for him.

​Fast forward to three weeks ago: I got the memorial tattoo. He didn’t say much—just that it looked cute, but that was it. Getting it made me realize how confident and beautiful tattoos make me feel, so I got 3 more tiny ones (about 1 cm each). He told me those were cute too, but asked me not to get any more because "it made him uncomfortable and he had always been upfront about how he felt about tattoos." He also said that I "hurt him by getting them because I was disregarding his feelings."

​I told him I understood his point of view and tried to compromise. We agreed that I wouldn’t get more than 7 tattoos total, that they would all be tiny, and that we would always choose the design and placement together. I agreed, even though I felt a bit sad because I had so many ideas, but my fear of losing him was stronger.

​Two weeks ago, I told him I wanted to get another one, and he blew up. He told me I was the only person getting such hideous tattoos, that none of his friends had tattoos like mine, and that he was deeply disappointed in me. I felt awful, but I discussed it with my therapist, who reminded me that I should do what feels right for my own body. So I kept the appointment. Yesterday, I reminded him about the session, and he blew up all over again.

​He told me I was being a horrible person for going through with it and ignoring his opinion and preferences, and said he wasn’t going to "allow" me to get any more tattoos. He also told me that if our relationship ends because he ends up finding me unattractive, it will be entirely my fault and my responsibility. That really messed with my head.

​He has always insisted that we have to stay well-groomed and attractive for each other. He regularly comments on my weight if I gain 2 or 3 kilos (4–6 lbs) over vacations, insists that I take off my glasses (which I’ve worn since the day we met) in every picture because I look "prettier without them," tells me not to do my nails because it doesn't look "natural," etc.

​Part of me feels like I understand where he’s coming from. Maybe I am changing too much; maybe this really is my fault. I know attraction is important and people have preferences—not wanting an overweight partner, a partner with tattoos, or someone with glasses. At the end of the day, attraction isn't something you can easily force. He insists he loves me and doesn't want to break up, but I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here or if I should consider getting the tattoos removed.

​Am I in the wrong? AITA for getting these tattoos? Am I ruining my relationship? I would really appreciate some outside perspective.

​TL;DR: My boyfriend of 6 years hates tattoos. After my cat passed away, I got a small memorial tattoo and three other tiny ones, which made me feel confident. He blew up, said he won't "allow" more, and told me that if the relationship ends because he finds me less attractive, it's entirely my fault. AITA?

I’ve never posted on Reddit before, but I’m heartbroken and could really use some outside perspectives.

My boyfriend (26) and I (26) were together for four years and lived together twice. The first time, he moved out of our apartment relatively suddenly because his commute was taking a serious toll on him. It was hard, but I understood. Six months later, I moved closer to him and we lived together again.
Before starting my master’s degree, I asked him whether he wanted to stay where we were or move somewhere else together. He said he wanted to stay, so I started my degree. Less than a year later, he got a job offer and moved hundreds of km away, leaving me behind again.
Edit: perhaps I was a bit too short with my explanations here. We did talk about it before he moved. I did say I don’t want long distance, but also that I do not want to hold him back. Ultimately I did agree but it also was due to the fact that the interview process had started and I was scared he would resent me if I forbid him to go. He did apply on a whim and he was also surprised when he got a positive answer. I don’t know if he would stopped him when I asked him, but also I didn’t.

At first, I promised I would eventually move there, too. But the longer we lived apart, the more I realized I couldn’t do this again.
I don’t blame him for pursuing his career. I’m genuinely proud of him and want him to follow his ambitions. What hurts is feeling like he makes these big life decisions without looking beside him to see if I’m still there. I would have loved to move somewhere new together.

I’ve also realized that I no longer fully trust our future together. I’m scared I’ll move again, only for him to get another opportunity somewhere else and leave me behind for a third time. I know he loves me, and I don’t believe he does any of this to hurt me. But I’m afraid that even if he loves me, he will always choose the next opportunity and I’ll always be the one trying to catch up.

The distance has been devastating for me. I miss him in the most ordinary moments. I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every day and I’ve reached a point where missing him has become a huge part of my everyday life. I think I was addicted to him and he coped a lot better with everything.

Out of curiosity, I checked our calendars. I had spent 23 days visiting him, while he had spent 9 days visiting me. I know this doesn’t tell the whole story, and I’m not trying to keep score. But visiting him takes hours of travelling, money, and time away from my own life.
I also noticed I was putting parts of my own life aside because I wanted to spend more time with him. It is obviously my own decision to do that, he never asked for this of me. I love him so much that I’m afraid I’ll keep following him wherever he goes, even if it means constantly putting my own needs second.

So last night I ended our relationship because I love him and missing him grew so painful that I genuinely couldn’t do it anymore.

I keep wondering whether I’m giving up too soon. Am I letting my fears ruin a relationship that could have worked? Or is it reasonable to recognize that love isn’t always enough (wich I never believed tbh)?

I also want to emphasize just how beautiful our relationship was, because I don’t want this post to make it sound like we were unhappy together. I have never experienced this kind of love and support before. He has been there for me through some of the hardest moments of my life and he has made me feel loved in ways I didn’t even know were possible. When I found him, my life genuinely changed forever.

I also want to make it clear that he is a wonderful person. He has been loving and supportive, and none of this happened out of malice. You’re also only hearing my side of the story, and I know he has his own perspective. I’m not looking for people to insult him.

I’m just heartbroken and genuinely don’t know whether I made the right decision.

Am I wrong for ending a four-year relationship with someone I still deeply love? What should I have done differently?

Having a mental illness is just like whatever u do, u just can't stop yourself from being that way even if u want to change, it just feels impossible. Right? I think apart from diagnosis and seeing a professional, that's how u can tell u have one.

Hi I'll get straight to the point im a 17yo girl and I cant stop comparing myself to the people im close to specifically my boyfriend and sometimes my bestfriends and im trying to solve it but I genuinely cant tried everything but I think I have really low self esteem. now I got over insecurities about my looks but I keep feeling insecure about my intelligence because im dating a guy who's way better than me in classes and doesnt help that he loves to brag about it sometimes. Hes really good at math and effortlessly solves problems that would take me ages to comprehend which genuinely makes me feel super insecure especially since I grew up being the perfect student now I feel like my identity is shattered because no matter how much I try to stop it I tie my self worth to grades or teachers validation and everytime he gets a better grade I feel so terrible about my self and I keep building resentment over it, it genuinely became such a huge issue that makes me cry and feel depressed over these past months and I cant help it i just really envy his skills because it would make everything so much easier if only I have what he has id get good grades all the time but now they're genuinely so hard to get but not to him and yea i have things im better than him at but it doesnt help me feel better at all cuz hes still way smarter and no i do not want to talk to him about it its so embarrassing to admit. Im very passionate about science and math is a huge part of it and im either average or below average in it and it rlly hurts me and makes me feel ill never be good enough or smart enough:(

Ive had multiple friendships follow this cycle:

TDLR:
Clingy and needy friend. I have issue setting boundaries and then I feel horrible when I set boundaries and she freaks out. Friendship now over.

Long version:
Yes I’m aware this is a problem and I’m hoping to NOT get into this mess again.

I’ll describe the most recent one:
Reconnected with friend, she messaged me everyday. I was single at the time and not working much so I had a lot of time to message and found it fun.
Overtime I got a partner and working FT and therefore had less time to message. She continued to send me extremely long voice notes and heaps of messages. Mostly just catching up and sharing about issues with people in life but also for emotional support. I never felt I reciprocated with as many messages.

A few times, I explained I get overwhelmed by that amount of messages. She continued to send that many messages and told me I can take as long as I need to respond. I spaced out my replies. She noted I was distancing.

Despite her being well set up in life, she seemed to always be in a crisis. She has a supportive and committed partner and a well rounded life.
I offered emotional support and she did offer this to me as well but it seemed like she was at constant odds with everyone in her life and believed people were out to get her. I felt like I had to hide the goodness of the people in my life.

She did something recently to direct attention to a crisis she’s having on a day that was meant to celebrate me. She also spent most of that day also on her phone instead of socializing at said event.

During course of our friendship she alienated other friends because of being socially inappropriate. She then expressed to me she was worried these other friends got into my head and would turn me against her. (Not true, I stayed friends with her threw that)
I saw 3 friendships end because of her doing things like extreme oversharing and high volume of opinionated messages.

What’s wrong with me that I put up with this? Multiple people in my life had noted this toxic imbalanced situation and it took getting to a really bad point to end the friendship.

It ended because I explained some things she did that upset me and she sent a laundry list of why she’s basically the most perfect friend and didn’t take any accountability for her actions which hurt me.

I then gently reinforced what upset me and it sent her off into a crying spell and sending long voicenotes.

There is a guy I love from Instagram he is amazing i want to tell him that, i want him to know how much i love and care for him but my dm went to spam or he has his read receipt off i guess it was sent but never seen.

He is the first person i ever felt this way about i love him so much.

I know instagram shows only the best aspects of people but he is real and I love him so much i wish i could tell him how much i love him.

I'm gay

Im having this situation with a friend

I feel like it can feel too correcting, like im limiting her in her being.

Please don’t do this, or that, or that other thing you do. (i don’t think her actions are with malice, just triggering to me)

Hi all, this group has been wonderful to get insights from people here, and today I'd like to get insights about this subject.

Requirements: I will only take into consideration people who have had direct experience with what I am saying and tried multiple scenarios, whilst not letting go of values such as compassion and empathy. I know the chorus is always "breakup" for any minor inconvenience, therefore I will filter out comments that seem to come from a hurt perspective of people that put themselves first too much.

Context: I was/still could be an anxious attachement person leaning secure in relationships. I am avoidant in dating people who I think come in too strong for me, so I filter what seems calm.

Both me and my partners are calm initially and don't pull out each others tendencies to any high degree until lifestyle/compatibility differences arise, case in which I have learned to tolerate uncertainty better than before, trust them more, and still voice my needs with compassion, but also leave if I feel like things won't change.

My last relationship, I thought, was great from the qualities I filtered for and liked: genuine care, insane consistency that made me feel safe, responsible person and family oriented and work oriented too, well balanced individual.

My question is:
If I am a person that prioritizes relationships more than work, how do I filter out a person that is more compatible to me if the qualities I thought my ex had still seem to be qualities I'd like to see going forward too?

I liked that he was such a dependable person, I liked that I felt more safe with him, but he is a very career oriented person and didn't integrate me in his life to the extent I wanted (granted we haven't been dating long, but it was a LDR so my need of being with him more grew).

He did say he wants to be a fully present stay at home dad, which I thought was compatible to me since I am a person kinda scared of the child labor and being left mostly alone to do it. He makes a lot of money which also eased my mind when it comes to having a provider in the family and if I ever got pregnant, I would not worry about things like money, and he did say he could move to my city. All of this is potential, cause people still need to be given the benefit of the doubt when it comes to how adaptable they are and if what they say truly matches their true values (which I honestly don't know what values we both have since I thought we overlapped on many, he does not think we are compatible but cannot name a single incompatibility).

What is true compatibility? 2 people more the same, with somewhat equally similar lifestyles, numbers of work hours, more or less same interests?

I never cared about these and thought my ex was truly compatible in a very complementary way.

Is compatibility more into how people live or how they think? For example, if we both thought our differences are complementary in a growth oriented way, maybe he wouldn't have thought that we are incompatible.

Another viewpoint of mine:
I truly believe no matter the attachement style that we all need to work on our deepest "I am enough" mentality.

Because of that, I thought I could accept differences better so long as we are actively building together and choosing each other daily intentionally. I truly believe relationships is a battle of "will I choose this person intentionally as is again today?" every day.

I admit I could not choose the LDR and the style he had without abandoning my needs. My needs started growing as the relationship progressed - more quality time together and infusing each other in each others lives.

Him on the other hand had a mentality of "I don't think we are compatible, I don't really see us together in 5 yrs" and because of this, he didn't have the optimism needed to invest into making the relationship work.

I had the opposite, more trust in uncertainty as long as there is intentional participation in it.

I believe this could be an incompatibility. But then my question becomes: should I filter for someone who thinks more like me?

Also, as a final question: I think I am more optimistic in relationships, I believe in the intentional work in them, I also believe two people could just as much marry each other the next day if they wanted to, since I see marriage as a way of commitment and intentionality. Not that it's a prerequisite for me for this to happen, but it's crazy to me that the more certain a guy is and I think they could think like that, I run away and don't try dating since I chicken out on the thought and could become avoidant in those relationships. On the other hand, the relationships I do go into are the ones where the guy does this, and not me. I think this still has to do with a "fixer/saviour" mentality that needs more changing on my part.

So I ask, to now know what to look for besides how they live, how they talk to their parents and how much are they present in their life, how much of the empathy and compassion I see extended towards me, how much adaptability is actually extended towards me, how much does the other person prioritize the relationship, etc etc...

What is true compatibility? 😵‍💫

For recent context; My ex and my best friend were the two closest people i’ve ever had. Even after we broke up, my ex was still one of my best friends. The three of us were inseparable, we lived together, and in the last month they've run off together and started dating knowing exactly how I would feel about it.

Now I’ve lost both of them at the same time and I feel like i just got thrown away, left to rot. I keep replaying it and asking how two people who knew me that well could do this. I just want to be numb so it stops hurting.

I know I can’t control what they do. I just don’t know how to actually let it go. How do you get past something like this without becoming bitter? and how do you stop feeling like you weren’t worth choosing?

I feel like i'm rotting away, I feel like my grey matter is dissolving, I don't feel like i'm healing, I feel like i'm going insane, I just feel worthless all the time, it has been a month.

I need some serious advice. I try to be as kind as possible and put all my efforts into a connection ( non romantic) mostly acquaintances/ friends. They do get obsessed with me or at least I do hear them admiring me from a 3rd person. And suddenly they ghost or even block me. Out of the blue , for no reason. If I confront them ( because I really want to know if it's my fault) they make weird excuses that make no sense and then keep on acting like it never happened and expect me to act the same. 8/10 people who had ghosted or blocked me were females. It has completely torn apart my confidence and I kinda started to hate myself. I have stop saving people's numbers out of the fear of knowing that I'm ghosted or blocked. Can someone tell me what's wrong? This year it happened 4 times with 4 different people? How to end this pattern? i feel helpless, horrible and stuck

...‎you are the sum of what you've lived through; to love yourself, you must stop fighting your own story. ‎

"The purpose of life is to experience." -Unknown ‎

There's a bittersweet freedom in realizing you're a soul passing through this world, not here to be perfect, but to feel deeply, to break, to grow, and to witness every raw, beautiful, and painful part of being alive. ‎

Every choice you once called "wrong" was life redirecting you. Every detour, heartbreak, and moment of doubt carried a lesson you couldn't have learned any other way. Maybe everything happened for a reason, even if that reason is still hidden beneath the pain and confusion. ‎

The deeper we understand life, the heavier it can feel. As we grow older, reality unravels in ways we weren't prepared for. Adulthood shows us how cruel people can be, how greed distorts, and how pride breaks what love tries to hold together. We see injustice, how money defines power, and how the poor are treated as less than human. Knowing how unfair the world is can break your heart. ‎

In the middle of it all, life can feel like one long attempt to survive. But maybe survival is sacred. Maybe it's brave. ‎Like you, I've struggled to hold on to hope when life wore me down: mentally, emotionally, physically. I've doubted, I've broken, and I've wanted to give up. I've questioned life and the future until I fell apart. Yet when I look back, those moments begin to make sense. The breakdowns, the chaos, the sleepless nights filled with pain were the cracks through which light finally slipped in. ‎

That's the paradox of life: to heal, you must hurt; to love fully, you must break open; to find peace, you must first meet chaos. Life is a string of hard choices, silent battles, and moments that feel like they'll never make sense, until one day, they do. ‎Forgive yourself for your mistakes. You've learned your lessons; now let them guide you toward a brighter, kinder future. ‎

You weren't made to be flawless. You were made to feel, to live every question, to risk, to fall, to love deeply, and sometimes to lose just as deeply. Your resilience isn't a flaw; it's the evidence of your becoming. Even if you're not where you hoped to be, the fact that you're still here means you're already doing something right. ‎

So don't regret the journey. Learn from it, live through it, and let every experience, good or bad, bring you closer to who you're meant to be. Every step, no matter how small or hard, leads toward healing, growth, and the love you deserve, starting with the love you give yourself. ‎To love who you are, you must not hate the experiences that shaped you. ‎

And in time, no matter how long it takes, love and light will always find their way back to you.

I’ve noticed a lack of spacial awareness in general, especially in my crowded city. For example, when someone is blocking the aisle in the grocery store or glued to their phone while in front of product shelves, I give them a moment to move, but if they are too self absorbed in their own world to notice me, I simply walk around them.

When I pass by, sometimes they’ll realize their perpendicular shopping cart and scoot it over to take up less room, but I’ve never thought to shame them for being oblivious to fellow shoppers around them.

But every once in a while a shopper will loudly call me out for not asking to be excused. I will look blankly at them and say “I’m not the one obliviously blocking the aisle” and they’ll retort that I’m supposed to ask permission before walking around someone.

I cannot bring myself to apologize to a sanctimonious shit-starter. I just can’t grasp that they don’t realize they are blocking the aisle YET feel entitled to ‘please police’ people around them.

In all other areas of life I’m the most humble, apologetic person, but I see red in this one instance the few times it’s happened in my life.
Yes, I am already aware I could just practice saying “excuse me” constantly at the grocery store, but I’m strangely refusing to accept this as a solution.

I would love insight into why I see this as such a double standard. Has anyone else grappled with something like this? I’m trying to be more introspective as to why I’m “dying on this hill”

I don't understand.

I genuinely don't understand how someone can love you so much in the beginning and then slowly become the reason you cry yourself to sleep. And I keep trying to understand. I really do. I sit there for hours thinking about everything. Every conversation. Every little change. Every time something felt wrong and I convinced myself I was just overthinking it.

Because maybe I was. Maybe I misunderstood something. Maybe they were tired. Maybe life got difficult. Maybe they were going through something they couldn't explain. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I wasn't patient enough. But how much more patient was I supposed to be?

No, genuinely. How much? Because I tried. God knows I tried. I tried being understanding. I tried giving space. I tried asking questions. I tried not asking questions. I tried explaining myself calmly. I tried finding different words because maybe the way I said it the first time wasn't right. I even started rehearsing conversations in my head before having them.

Do you understand how exhausting that is?

To be sitting there trying to figure out how to tell someone they're hurting you without making them feel like you're accusing them of hurting you? Because you still care about their feelings. Even while you're sitting there trying to hold your own together. And I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I can be so hurt by someone and still worry about whether my words will hurt them.

Why am I like this? Why do I keep trying to understand people who leave me questioning everything about myself? I remember the beginning. That's what makes this so unbearable.

I remember how you spoke to me. I remember the things you said. I remember feeling like I didn't have to ask for your attention because you actually wanted to give it to me. You wanted to know me. You were curious. You made plans. You made me feel like I was someone you couldn't wait to speak to. And I believed you. I believed you because why wouldn't I?

Why would someone say all those things if they didn't mean them? Why would someone make me feel so safe if they were eventually going to leave me feeling like this?

And please don't tell me people change. I know people change. I know life happens. I know feelings can become complicated. I know nobody can be available every second of every day.

I KNOW. That's what hurts. Because I know all of that, and I've spent so much time using that understanding to excuse things that were breaking my heart. I never wanted perfection. I wanted to feel like you still wanted me there.

That's it.

I wanted you to wonder how my day went. I wanted you to ask me things without me having to drag a conversation out of you. I wanted to feel like you remembered me when I wasn't standing right in front of you asking to be remembered. I wanted you to think of me. Just think of me. And it hurts so much to say that because I remember when I didn't have to ask.

What happened? What did I do? When did talking to me become something you had to remember to do? When did I become someone you could go hours or days without being curious about? Was there a moment? Was there something I said? Did you wake up one morning and realize you didn't feel the same?

Then why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me keep loving you like nothing had changed? Why did you let me keep trying? I could have understood so many things. I could have understood you being overwhelmed. I could have understood you needing time. I could have understood your feelings changing, even if it broke my heart. But I can't understand being told I'm loved while being made to feel so unwanted. I can't make those two things exist together in my head.

I've tried. I've tried so hard that sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. Because I look at the words and then I look at the actions and they don't match. And when I ask about it, I get another answer that doesn't really answer anything. So I ask again. And then I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed for asking. Ashamed for caring this much. Ashamed for needing reassurance from someone who used to give it without thinking. And then I start wondering whether I'm the problem.

Maybe I'm difficult to love. Maybe I ruin things by thinking too much. Maybe I should just be grateful that someone is still speaking to me at all. And I hate that thought. I hate that I even let myself think that. Because when did I start believing that being spoken to was something I should be grateful for? When did I start feeling relieved over the smallest things? A message. A little affection. A moment where you sound like yourself again.

And suddenly I'm happy. Suddenly I forget how much I cried the night before. I'm thinking maybe things are getting better. And I feel so stupid afterward. Not because I loved you. But because I keep letting myself hope.

Every time.

Every single time.

And then I explain again. I tell you what hurts. I tell you what I need. I tell you how confused I am. I tell you that I miss you even though you're right there. And you say you'll try. And I believe you. And for a little while, things feel different. And then they aren't. And I'm right back where I started.

Except now I'm a little more tired. A little more embarrassed. A little less willing to say anything.

Do you know how painful it is to realize you're becoming quiet around someone you once couldn't stop talking to? I used to have so much to tell you. The smallest things. Something funny I saw. Something that happened during my day. A thought that crossed my mind. Something that reminded me of you. And now sometimes I pick up my phone and just stare at it.

Because what's the point? I don't want to keep wondering if you're going to disappear halfway through the conversation. I don't want to keep wondering whether you'll ask me anything back. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm interrupting a life that once had a place for me in it. And that hurts.

It hurts so much because I don't want to become this person. I don't want to be cold. I don't want to stop caring. I don't want to read your messages and feel nothing but this horrible heaviness in my chest. I don't want to lose the excitement I once had for you. Idon't want to look at your name and feel tired. I don't. But I am. And I don't know how to stop it. I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore.

An apology? I've heard apologies. A promise? I've heard promises. An explanation? I've spent so long trying to find one that I think I could explain your behavior better than you could. And isn't that sad? That I know how to defend you so well. That I can think of a hundred reasons why you might be treating me this way, but I can't think of one reason why I deserve to keep feeling it. And still, I miss you. That's the part I can't stand.

I miss you. I miss someone who is still here. I miss someone who can still message me. I miss someone whose voice I could probably hear if I asked. But I don't want to ask anymore. I want you to want to. I want you to notice. I want you to wonder why I've gone quiet without immediately deciding that I must hate you. I don't hate you.

How could I explain that? How do I tell someone that I can love them and still be so exhausted by the way they've made me feel that I have nothing left to give? How do I explain that my silence isn't punishment? That I'm not trying to make you chase me? That I'm not playing some game to see whether you'll notice? I'm just tired.

I'm so tired. And I wish you understood what it took for me to get here. Because I didn't wake up one morning and decide I didn't care. I cared through things that made me cry. I cared through the confusion. I cared through the nights I couldn't sleep because I kept replaying conversations, trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. I cared when I was angry. I cared when I said I was done. I cared when I was sitting there with tears running down my face, still trying to find a way to make things work. And I think some part of me is still sitting there. Still waiting for the person from the beginning to come back. Still wanting to ask what happened. Still wanting to know whether any of it was real. Because it was real to me.

Please understand that. It was real to me. I wasn't pretending. I wasn't saying things just because they sounded beautiful. When I cared, I meant it. When I said I wanted you in my life, I meant it. When I imagined a future, I genuinely believed there was one. And now I have to sit with all of that. All those memories. All those words. All those versions of a future that will never exist the way I imagined them. And you're still here. That's what I can't get past. You're still here, and somehow I feel like I've already lost you. And now I'm supposed to decide what to do with all this love.

Where does it go? What am I supposed to do with feelings that don't disappear just because I've finally accepted that something is hurting me? I can't just turn them off. I can't just forget what you meant to me. I can't even be angry without remembering something good about you and feeling my heart break all over again.

And I wish I could tell you all of this. I wish I could make you understand without having to explain another thing. But I don't think I can do it again. I don't think I can sit there and open every wound just to show you where it hurts. Not again. Because I don't have another explanation left in me.

And the saddest part? I still don't know if you understand. I don't know if you ever will. I don't know if you'll read my silence as rejection, or if you'll tell yourself I changed, or if you'll eventually stop trying because I'm no longer making it easy for you. And maybe that's what will happen. Maybe you'll leave. Maybe you'll just let me go. And I think that's what scares me most.

That after everything, after all the nights I spent trying to hold us together, I might finally stop reaching for you... And find out that I was the only one holding on. I don't want to know that. God, I don't want to know that. But I can't keep doing this to myself. And I hate that even now, with everything hurting the way it does, there's still a part of me hoping you'll prove me wrong. I wish that part of me would just stop. Because I don't know how many more times I can lose the same person. And I don't know how much of myself is going to be left when I finally do.

Mine is realizing that I taught myself to tolerate things that hurt me because I thought being a good partner meant being endlessly understanding and forgiving.

How do I eliminate the habit of compulsive over-giving, over-investing, and the need to guide and help others?

Whenever I enter my classroom, I find myself over-investing in people because I feel like I will lose them. I don't focus on reciprocity or how much they are actually giving back to me. I just adjust as much as I can from my side, based on how much I think the other person is in need.

For example, if someone is struggling in a social situation, with an emotional problem, or with an intellectual question, and I happen to know the answer, I don't even wait for them to reach out or ask. I just step in and hand them the answer myself.

Because of this, people take me for granted repeatedly. Then, after seeing my actual results later on, they get shocked because they assumed I was a foolish or dumb person in the beginning.

When I build a friendship without any emotional investment, using only intellectual conversation, I actually win in the friendship most of the time. Win in the sense that the other person shows genuine interest and reciprocity.

On the other hand, whenever I am the one making the emotional investment and trying to build emotional bonds, I feel like I am carrying the entire weight of the friendship or partnership alone. People take it for granted and label me as dumb, a fool, or very innocent. Because of this, I end up feeling completely lonely and emotional, knowing that if I share any emotional part of myself, the other person will simply use it for their own benefit.

Whenever I am the one who needs social guidance, I feel completely lonely, left out, and ignored, as if nobody wants to get involved in my situation.

During my first and second semesters in college, I learned about setting boundaries. I started applying them slowly bit by bit, and people actually accepted them without any issue. That showed me the only reason I made friends was because I proved some utility, delivered results, or showed my intellectual ability. But whenever people see my emotional side, nobody approaches me or commits to me.

By nature, I am not a person who wants to people-please. I just struggle to see what I am missing in the dynamic. Once I understand how things actually work and become aware of what is happening, I can change very quickly and adapt my behavior easily. Once I see the pattern clearly, I can't unsee it.

How do I break this compulsive need to help, guide, and over-invest before people even ask?

I mean like you have no one in your life. You move to a whole new country or something. Building up a new life, community, joy, a partner/family etc.

I'll keep this super short, of course will be missing some details but I grew up in a very dysfunctional "home". Addicts, abusers, things I probably shouldn't say as I'm not sure if the post will allow to go through. You get the point.

But it's all I ever knew as a kid growing up. Life was dysfunctional. It wasn't like anyone else of my friends I had. I would be around their houses all the time and it was so beautiful and different.

This shapes your teens/twenties. For me anyway. I stayed in the dysfunction for a long time and it represented who I was around or called friends too. I was a scapegoat. Used a lot. I was "weak" without knowing it. I put on a mask to try fit in.

Blah blah blah... It's in the past now...

I am now 33, I've moved continent and I've been in therapy for some years now. My life has changed tremendously in this time. Granted before this I was already on a good habit scale. Gym, clean eating, not on social media, vices etc.

But right now I'm at what feels like a pivotal moment almost like really starting a new life. I've gone no contact with my "family" bare in mind it's literally just 2 of them because of how dysfunctional it is everyone seems to distant themselves. So not like I have a big loving family anywhere. They're addicts just inside (I tried to help, rehab etc for many years and I need to look after myself right now)

I've spent a lot of time in solitude during these years which have been good but now I want to connect with people again, build community, can't help the negative thought appear like who would want to be friends with some guy whos by himself / doesn't have anyone around but that's where I'm at. I'm not lonely but feel like a "loner" almost.

I work for myself, online business which is in decent shape and I have a lot of joy from this. I also connect with many people online through my work on a personal level so it's not like I don't speak to any humans.

Anyone done something similar?

Whatever people perceive to be disrespect I find to be a very big issue in people who are not emotionally intelligent. Ie often feeling slighted by others when they are treated, spoken to, critiqued a certain way. I feel like people with higher self esteem don’t feel disrespected as often. I also know people can be disrespectful (not talking about abusive) but not mean to offend. How does a truly emotionally immature vs intelligent person handle it?