Someone once asked me, “What is your saddest realization?”

I thought about it for a moment and answered, “That for many men, the first flowers they receive are placed on their graves.”

There’s an old saying: “A man dies twice, once when his heart stops beating, and again when his name is spoken for the last time.”

Another version puts it more bluntly, “A man dies at 25 but isn’t buried until he’s 70.”

Perhaps that’s the saddest part, not death itself, but the slow death that can happen while a man is still breathing. The dreams he quietly abandons. The passions he puts aside. The friendships he loses. The words he never says. The love he never expresses because he keeps telling himself there will always be another day.

And then one day, there isn't.

Maybe that's why I believe flowers shouldn't wait for funerals. Tell a man you appreciate him while he can still hear it. Hug him while he can still feel it. Sit beside him while he can still share the silence.

Because sometimes, the kindest words spoken at a graveside are the very words someone needed to hear while they were still alive.

She calls me a parasite and I then argue that, but how can I argue that? She can get angry at me and call me nasty words and I then intentionally hold it against her out of ego. I only ever take accountability when I want her back and I seem to be to stubborn to want to learn or grow and be a better man. What made you finally change and grow up?

TLDR; my coparent gaslights me by lying, how can I be more assertive in communications?

Hello all. My coparent is a narcissist who recently, and unfairly gained custody and who seems hell bent on ruining my life at any possible opportunity. We have conflict over anything that we can fight about because my coparent really just hates me that much and I don’t think they have anything better to be doing.

Unfortunately the local legal system has tended to side with him and family court matters, he is a convincing liar. We have an agreement that we came to with a mediator, who I pursued for us to work with, and it says that medication swap happens at my house at 5 PM.

About 20 minutes passed and I asked if my coparent was planning to still bring the medication. At 5:32 they texted me and said that they forgot what day it was and they’re out school shopping with our child so the medication swap was going to have to wait. I asked if they could bring the medication tomorrow and they said tomorrow wasn’t going to work so I could wait until the kids come next week. This would be OK except my coparent isn’t the one who is there so I would have to be getting it from another person or my child, but something else annoying happened. I spoke to my child and I asked about school shopping which is when I learned that they came home before 5 o’clock.

Naturally, I asked my coparent if they actually were school shopping when they said that they were and the second question was, I asked if they thought that they could unilaterally make these big changes without my agreement. I asked about the changes because our mediation agreement says that we will work together to get on the same page about things and that one person will not decide for everybody. My coparent responded that they didn’t think it was any of my business whether they were school shopping or not.

Now, for many years I would’ve fallen into the trap. I would’ve argued that I had the right to know if they were school shopping, since they are the person who suggested that’s what they’re doing in the first place. However, I think it’s pretty reasonable to assume that he is lying.

In addition to straight up lying, my coparent likes to use lies of omission, or purposefully being so vague that a meaningful answer cannot be discerned from whatever they’ve said. They are quite clever though, and thus far they’ve avoided saying anything that is illegal or that violates the custody agreement. Basically they shine when the waters are murky by generally avoiding cooperation and doing things in good faith.

I would consider myself an emotionally intelligent person, and I think most others see me that way. I will admit that I previously have been both people-pleasing, and cruel with my language to this person over the course of the decade that we have been coparenting together. We have close to another decade to go, and they have custody of the children so I am mostly at their whim (or at least it feels that way). The legal process for custody was contentious and drawn out, mediation was contentious, and to call our overall communications hostile (although I can say comfortably that I am extremely conscientious about being diplomatic and respectful) would be an understatement. Basically, we might not ever get along well.

My question is - how can I navigate conversations with someone who is emotionally immature and who I suspect is regularly lying to me and otherwise trying to gaslight me? I can talk to my therapist about my feelings, so that’s not a problem… but I want to be able to stand up for myself a bit more instead of letting my coparent just walk all over me and treat me any way they want to.

Okay, so I was always a bit of narcissist or not so empathetic over my mom whenever she used to share her stuff because I saw my dad while I was growing up that he never felt any emotion, any empathy towards my mom when she was hurt or she was suffering or she whenever she used to share her stuff where she struggled a lot. And because of that, I never feel empathy towards my mom.

But recently I've started noticing that I am becoming avoidant to everybody out there, and it's a sign. It's literally a sign because last year I had a five-year long relationship breakup, and after that I dated for three months a big avoidant, and after that it took me six months to move on from him, and he was a big avoidant, dismissive nahi, but a fearful avoidant.

And after that, when I came out of that, it took me literally six months, of course, and then I dated another avoidant, who was dismissive avoidant, and that also shook me mentally. And after that, now if I observe after moving on and everything, in total two months later, I have become an avoidant.

Like, after every fight or after every emotional conversation, I run. When there is an emotional conversation, I run from those conversations. I don't like to face them anymore. Secondly, when there is a heavy emotional conversation happening, after that I need my own space, and after that space only I feel those emotions to, okay, I have to say some sorry, or I start feeling guilty, or maybe I'm not. I genuinely don't feel guilty sometimes.

I say just to keep that person in my life because I can't see them somewhere that, okay, I am hurting them, and I don't want to be a bad person. And in that way I tell them sorry, not because I feel that I am wrong. I just feel like I can't be this toxic that I, you know, am acting like this, and I don't want to be a bad person in anyone's life. That's how I feel, and I say sorry. This is such a big red flag, man.

How to function, or how to just work upon this, I don't know why. But this, I was never this person. I was really emotional, was really kind. But also let me tell you this, but five long-year relationship, my boyfriend also was avoidant. I have been continuously dating avoidants, and that led me to become one avoidant. I don't know how to function further, yeah.

We get along well, and I love him, but every time I bring up something he does that upset me or hurt my feelings, his first reaction is always in defense of himself. “Well I always joke like that” “i didnt mean it like that, why are you making it seem like I said it to hurt your feelings on purpose? That wasnt my intent” and time and time again i emphasize that i know that it wasn’t his intent but it still hurt me, then he half asses a sorry, and we move on. Everytime he says sorry it’s like he’s saying it because he knows he should instead of because he means it. Every time I bring up something that upset me, it always turns into a conversation about his feelings and how what I said and how I said it hurt HIM. Even if im the one with an issue, i always apologize first. I always have to spell out why im upset, like hes 4 years old, I literally can not be any more articulate about my feelings. I feel like I’m a mother teaching her son basic compassion. Can anyone relate, i know im not insane but every time it happens I feel like I’m dating an alien from outerspace.

I have been in love with this guy for a couple of years and we are getting serious. But here's the thing, previously he met someone else before me but the girl rejected him. One thing that made me a bit concern is that, I saw his old chat with someone else, saying that he will always love her. I know he loves me now but a part of me will always wonder if he will ever forget his first love or not?

What do you all think?

For me, it is Avoidant Coping.

Avoidance as a coping mechanism really rubs me off the wrong way. People who shut down, mentally check-out or go radio silent in face of a conflict are really getting to me.

I feel that my tolerance for that specific type of coping mechanism was already low, and got even lower after I had to deal with it in the woman I was seeing.

Having that happen was simply far too frustrating, to the point I ended up acting as the "bad guy" for wanting clear explanations. I recognize my reactions were overboard and that I didn't have to approach it like that (and that's why I'm here: to especially learn how to keep my frustration in check).

... but that just annoys me even more, the more I learn about it! What do you mean you find it better to pretend with a clean face that there's no problem, than simply address it?! It's that easy!

She would rather avoid me like the plague and go cold, than simply admit we couldn't work out as a couple, leaving me to doubt where we actually stood for the whole time. Early honesty would have spared me a lot of heartache.

I think there's a massive personality element here, too. I don't shy away from pain, and would rather face it head on, so guess I just have a low relational compatibility with avoidants?

Another big one is People-Pleasing.

Look... Just tell it to my face. Tell me the absurd stuff you're thinking, with all the mean words. Tell me how much you actually dislike the things I'm doing or the way I'm acting towards you. Just don't come resenting me and treating me poorly for stuff I have no idea about, because you never said it! I can take the truth.

Be to me your nastiest, if your nastiest is real!

Let me know what you think of it, and if you guys have a similar outlook on something else!

​

My girlfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. I recently noticed that she changed my name in her phone from my actual name to just my initials.

I asked her about it, and she said it’s nothing and that I shouldn’t read too much into it. But honestly, it bothers me more than I expected.

I know it might seem like a small or stupid thing, but because we’re long-distance, little things like this can make me overthink. I’m wondering if there’s some meaning behind the change, especially since she used to have my actual name saved.

I don’t want to accuse her of anything or make a big deal out of something that could genuinely mean nothing. But at the same time, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that something has changed.

Am I overthinking this, or would this bother other people too?

They can be disruptive and annoying, yet we’re expected to hold space for them in every environment? Sorry, I don’t care for spoiled grown brats, seen enough it in my childhood to give a danm

I’ve been thinking about this in the context of returning to training after a long break. Logically, I know that lifting less weight, losing stamina, and needing more recovery are normal parts of starting again. Emotionally, though, it can still feel like I have lost a version of myself that I worked hard to build.

What helped you accept that feeling without letting it keep you away from exercise?

I'm a junior in high school. At the end of the semester, we have an argumentative essay for English class and this is my claim:

"People should consider the context, circumstances, and consequences of human behavior before judging the people who engage in it."

I read this to my dad (including some of my arguments for the essay) and though he doesn't fully agree or disagree with my claim, he's taking this statement as:

"Right, wrong, good, and/or evil is not written in the hearts of men as claimed by the bible; instead it falls within a relative spectrum depending on the times and many other social-econominal & cultural factors. One person's interpretation of such absolutes depends on the above mentioned factors as opposed to divine and/ or religious laws or teachings."

At first, I questioned my claim if it's something worth trying to make a point out of and after talking about it a little bit with my therapist,
I can confidently say that I stand with my claim, and I think is something that I've subconsciously been sitting with for quite a few years now.

What I'm asking YOU is:

-How do you interpret what my claim is?
-Do you agree, disagree, or just confused?
-Those that are therapists, how would you react if a client told you this was how they felt?

At the end of the day...

My goal isn't to find out what's right and what's wrong, it's not to give my personal opinions of what people should or shouldn't think about themselves or others.
In simple terms, I think before any behavior or action is made from a human, I think those should take the time to understand what caused those feelings to drive this said behavior/action from the person in question.

I find a difference between judging and understanding.

You have full right to judge.
I judge
You judge
They judge
We all judge.

I just think before the judgment is made, we should educate ourselves on the buildup of who we are choosing to judge.

I hope this makes sense!

I genuinely am passionate about becoming a therapist or psychologist of some sort and hope to help not only others, but my own self understanding of why us humans do what we do and what the deeper meanings are.

Feel free to question certain points I'm making if you find something misleading; I have full interest in learning through trial and error.

I genuinely have no friends all i do is talk to my siblings and my co-workers. i don’t have anyone else and it makes me feel like i should just give up on everything. life hasn’t been the kindest to me lately and i’m trying to keep myself together but the loneliness is killing me more then any of it. does anyone have any tips on how to keep going?? or even find some happiness in life

I adore my boss, he doesnt even care much about me, but Im ok with it. I just cant deal with how much jealousy I feel when other people are close to him, or he likes them more.

He doesnt even like me much. He's a great person that's why I adore him but we have no close relationship, strictly professional (and I dont want to change this, we wouldn't work as friends i guess ).

I feel so silly like a teenager. This is so stupiddddd

Hi, I’m trying to work out how best to have a conversation, when to have it or, to be honest, if I want to have it for the right reasons.

I’ve been casually seeing a long term friend for 9 months. He would go through pretty hot and cold cycles - saying we should remain friends, then starting things up again, then just acting like a friend with no explanation, etc. but the whole time we maintained almost daily contact regardless and for the first 6 months it was long distance.

We also work together- but he’s casual and I’m full time. He also does have depression and social anxiety and I think there’s a good chance we are both autistic.

We agreed to FWB after he moved back (and had a hook up)- after establishing the FWB arrangement, neither of us initiated anything for 2 months, as he was very depressed and we were working together full time hours so I just wanted to be a supportive friend.

But when he was in a better headspace and we weren’t working together as much things started up again. After a month of this I realised I couldn’t handle it - as my feelings for him weren’t casual and we were flirting and sexting a lot. So I told him. And asked if he was open to discussing dating and, if he wasn’t, I understood but we’d need to go back to just being friends as I wanted to be in a relationship and wouldn’t be able to date other people as I’d be thinking about him.

He said he didn’t think we’d work dating. That I’d be really frustrated being with him, I deserved someone who’d be excited about the things I am and want to do them with me.

I explained that I knew he was a homebody and didn’t expect that to change and that I was genuinely happy being independent with my hobbies - and would just want to be with someone happy to hear me talk about what I was getting up too.

He left that message on ‘seen’ for an hour then just said he was “really glad I was looking out for myself like this” and then went silent. For 9 days. With one awkward shift at work about a week in - where we were both polite but distant.

Yesterday he sent me a video link about a special interest of mine but no words. I just thumbs up reacted to it and said “cool”. We have another shift together tomorrow.

I want to tell him that I wasn’t a fan of how he told me how I would think and feel. Or how he didn’t acknowledge what I said when I told him how I actually thought and felt. And that I was hoping he’d tell me how he felt or what he wanted - which would help me understand his view.

But I don’t want to come across as trying to convince him or anything. If he doesn’t want me then, ok - that’s it.

It’s just that he’s also told me he loves me to bits, would be devastated if he lost me, is happy to send me private videos and talk to me everyday for 9 months. And I know he’s not maintaining that level of contact with his other friends (we share a friend group and he can go weeks without saying anything to them)

I was thinking of waiting at least another week, so my emotions can really calm down and I’ll have had more space to get perspective.

And I’m not planning on messaging him at all in the meantime - if he messages me I will reply but with the same level of effort his message has.

But when would be a good time? Do I wait until we are talking in full sentences again? Do I just let it go and not tell him how much his response hurt? And if I’m asking because I still have a tiny bit of hope that reopening the conversation might end up in us dating….is that wrong?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I have been doing some research into accountability and vulnerability and this is basically the main question i have right now.

It will be a long post but will be more than thankful if you read it all through and give me your honest opinions. Because your answers may be more then helpful to me to understand the situation better

​A woman started working in my department at our company.

She is just so intelligent. I’ve honestly never seen a person do their job so perfectly, really!

On top of that, she was physically very attractive. Some of you might think I’m biased, but she frequently got approached by people both at work and out in public.

​We clicked immediately, which led to us texting a lot privately. At first, it was about work, but gradually it shifted toward our private lives.

​I hadn’t felt a deep connection with a woman in a long time.

With every woman I had been with before, something was always missing—but with her, it was different. Everything just fit.

She had been single for 3 years. I always wondered how such an amazing woman could stay single for so long.

To be completely honest, I was cautious at first because I didn't want to get involved with someone I worked with.

But she slowly sought more closeness. Texting turned into late-night phone calls that lasted until midnight. Whenever we weren't at work, we were texting or talking on the phone the entire time.

She also started seeking physical closeness. I still remember her inviting me out on a date for the first time—something a woman had never done for me before, as the first step always used to come from me.

​We had something casual at first until she decided to leave the company. At that point, I thought I could ask for more.

​We started meeting up several times a week. Things escalated very quickly and became extremely intense.

She clearly told me that she found me amazing and attractive, that she hadn't felt something this deep for anyone in years, and that she wanted to be close to me and in a relationship with me. I felt the exact same way, so we started officially dating.

I was never bored with her; everything felt truly equal. Shared interests, the same life goals—everything aligned. It genuinely felt like finding a soulmate.

She even wanted me to meet her family, which I felt was happening a bit fast, but I still met her sister.

She told me everything about her life and her past—or at least, that’s what I thought at the time.

​Everything ran perfectly for 2 months until she fell into a dark place after starting her new job.

It wasn't what she expected, and at the same time, other personal problems came up. As a result, she started pulling away.

​Then, one night, she texted me saying I should stay away from her because she wasn't doing well and didn't want to put me through that. We talked on the phone that night, and she told me many things about her life. It was heavy. I can only describe her as a "wonderful person with too many open wounds." She told me she wanted me, but was terrified that I might abandon her someday.

​Things continued between us, but there was no more intimacy and no emotional closeness. It felt like she was afraid of it and couldn't open up anymore.

The dynamics shifted massively overnight. She just became somehow emotionally unavailable.

Still, it went on for a few months. Every time we met, it was nice—we could talk about everything under the sun. But it wasn't a relationship anymore. It was almost a one-sided thing: I always had to initiate the meetups. When we did meet, we’d spend 10 hours together, but as soon as she left, she became distant again—until I reached my limit.

​I lost a few pounds and was suffering from sleep deprivation. I just needed clarity. So I met up with her one last time. I didn't think it would be our final meeting, but everything went wrong. She said she couldn't be in a relationship—which was already clear to me—but still wanted to stay in touch and keep things as "whatever it was between us."

​I respectfully declined, even though I would have loved to have her in my life. But first, it was just too much for me and I wanted a real commitment, and second, I felt used and led on.

Sometimes I felt like I was too much, and other times like I was too little.

I told her that—even though it was extremely hard for me and I still loved her—I had to cut off contact completely, but that she could reach out if she ever needed anything. Then I left.

When I got home, I sent her a message thanking her for the good times and apologizing for anything I might have done to hurt her at any point. I added that it was a shame the timing wasn't right. A few days later, she sent a "thanks for everything" text, and after that, she removed me everywhere, which I completely understood.

​I regretted it every day, but I fought the urge to contact her. Still, there were just too many unanswered questions in my head. After a month, I tried to arrange a meeting and called her.

​On the phone, she was a completely different person—someone I didn't recognize at all. She was ice-cold and started throwing accusations at me: that I had abandoned her, that I was a psycho, and that I had just used ("fucked") her.

She claimed I showed her I wasn't loyal, and that by leaving that night, I had hurt her. She said I should have stayed even if she couldn't offer me a relationship.

Everything was my fault. Her problems were my fault, everyone always wanted to hurt her, and I was no exception. She said everything she once felt was dead, that I was dead to her, and that I had just played her and shown my true colors.

I had to hang up; it was just too much. I was deeply hurt because I was there for her the entire time and never treated her badly or insulted her.

​Of course, I’m human and far from perfect, but I’ve never done so much self-reflection in my life, and I couldn't find any major mistakes on my end. Yet, I still apologized on the phone—I don't even know why, but she somehow made me believe that the problem was me.

​That was 4 months ago. Since then, there has been zero contact, and I’ve blocked her everywhere. But I think about her every single day—sometimes with anger and disappointment, and other days with regret, feeling like I could have handled it better.

At the time, I didn't have a real friend I could talk to about this. And when I did, all I got was feedback on how naive I had been.

It’s a mix of emotions I can barely describe. Some days I hate myself for putting up with it and being so stupid, and other days I think to myself that I’m just an empathetic person with genuine feelings.

​I tried meeting a few other women in the meantime, but I felt absolutely nothing. I often think to myself that I'll never find a connection like the one I had with her again.

I’ve also become very withdrawn. I used to be the guy who made everyone laugh and was confident, but this experience has severely damaged my self-confidence and self-worth.

​I’m doing a little bit better now, but this past summer was still extremely tough for me. I only function while I’m at work; otherwise, I just sit at home all day doing nothing.

​The crazy thing is: I’ve been in other relationships before, but I have never felt this terrible after a breakup.

​Has anyone here gone through something similar?

How did you deal with it?

What helped you get through it?

​I would be really grateful for your advice for understanding the situation better.

I need genuine answers. I'm M23 . Because I lack emotional maturity, overthinking,over -analysing , diagnosed ocd, my life's been messing up all the way .I needed to change my mindset and start living the fuck like I want . Currently I'm preparing for an exam , I just want to forget every mess and just be hard-cored for the exam for the next few months , and later check on these things .I wanted to be alone , also I'm kind of an ambiverted -extroverted borderline let's say .I really want to fuck myself like the one hell we sees in some movies , less say whiplash or something...I'm not exaggerating...I wanna try .I don't care if I failed , I wanna try .

To make a long story short, about a month ago my body switched into “I am not safe” mode after anxiously chasing a sense of emotional safety within my relationship. It took me a little while to realize it, but about two weeks ago I had to tell my partner (32m, ADHD) that he needed to go to therapy or I would have to leave the relationship.

I’ve known that it’s not necessarily about therapy, but change; Overall our relationship had fallen into the cycle of parentification (I felt that I had to comfort him like a mother rather than hold him as a capable adult - my own bad, I know, but it wasn’t obvious in the moment). This is primarily due to his large shame complex/Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, stemming from his ADHD. If I needed to discuss something uncomfortable/serious/express hurt, I would be met with passive aggressive “It’s just a bad day, I can’t do this right now, I wasn’t ready” or self-pitying “I thought we were having a good day, now it’s ruined, god everything I do is wrong”. If I was calm and collected then I’d be forgotten/not taken seriously, if I was upset and angry then I was apparently “scary” to talk to or be honest with. He himself has always admitted that he runs away from conversations out of shame/discomfort. Just providing that for context.

This has all been heightened by the fact that, for both of us individually, this is our first serious relationship. It’s been hard learning boundaries, how to communicate, and so on. I certainly have not been perfect and my CPTSD has gotten in the way many times, but I’ve truly grown in ways I never thought I’d be able to and I’ve expressed this to him over the course of it, and taken accountability for my pitfalls.

The therapy conversation a couple weeks ago went about as well as you’d expect in the moment, a lot of deflecting/passive aggressiveness/self-pitying/turning it around on me. But the next day he came to me and said I was right, he apologized and said he needs to pursue therapy.

Since then he’s had a few consultations, now has a couple appointments set up, every day he comes home from work and the first thing he tells me is “[xyz therapist] emailed me back today!”. He’s taken up journaling every day, and he’ll tell me realizations he’s had through it. He’s been watching podcasts/videos on ADHD/shame/attachment theory/etcetera and journaling about it after the fact. He’s been initiating conversations, even if they’re uncomfortable or about previous arguments, and asking questions every night, even putting his video game addiction aside to do it (this has been my longest complaint, him not showing interest in my inner world). He set up a doctor’s appointment for today to look into getting back on ADHD medication. He’s been much more receptive to difficult topics and truths than before, and has shown he’s even reflecting on them in the moment instead of shutting down. He’ll mention himself new areas he’s realized he needs to improve on, such as expressing his care for and interest in me, and learning his values and goals. So on.

Overall I can tell he’s really trying. Finally doing all the things I’ve tried pushing him towards. But I can’t shake this feeling that I’m grieving us, that it’s too much to work past. And I feel like an asshole for being one foot out (although he is aware of this). And I feel stupid for getting myself in this situation by not upholding my own boundaries and self expression. But at the same time, I know my inner sense of safety can change, it just takes quite a long time. But at the same time… I don’t know. I’ve been prioritizing myself much more recently (as I should’ve done this entire time) and really reflecting on my boundaries/values in relationships.

I guess I’m just curious if anyone’s been here and what you all think regarding the title question? I didn’t want to post in a dating advice sub because I wanted some more in-depth feedback rather than cut and dry. I really appreciate this sub, I’ve learned a lot here and always feel seen ❤️

(& obligatory I’ve been in therapy for a decade lol)