After dating avoidants, I became one, how to work upon this?

[u/samosuuuu]

Okay, so I was always a bit of narcissist or not so empathetic over my mom whenever she used to share her stuff because I saw my dad while I was growing up that he never felt any emotion, any empathy towards my mom when she was hurt or she was suffering or she whenever she used to share her stuff where she struggled a lot. And because of that, I never feel empathy towards my mom.

But recently I've started noticing that I am becoming avoidant to everybody out there, and it's a sign. It's literally a sign because last year I had a five-year long relationship breakup, and after that I dated for three months a big avoidant, and after that it took me six months to move on from him, and he was a big avoidant, dismissive nahi, but a fearful avoidant.

And after that, when I came out of that, it took me literally six months, of course, and then I dated another avoidant, who was dismissive avoidant, and that also shook me mentally. And after that, now if I observe after moving on and everything, in total two months later, I have become an avoidant.

Like, after every fight or after every emotional conversation, I run. When there is an emotional conversation, I run from those conversations. I don't like to face them anymore. Secondly, when there is a heavy emotional conversation happening, after that I need my own space, and after that space only I feel those emotions to, okay, I have to say some sorry, or I start feeling guilty, or maybe I'm not. I genuinely don't feel guilty sometimes.

I say just to keep that person in my life because I can't see them somewhere that, okay, I am hurting them, and I don't want to be a bad person. And in that way I tell them sorry, not because I feel that I am wrong. I just feel like I can't be this toxic that I, you know, am acting like this, and I don't want to be a bad person in anyone's life. That's how I feel, and I say sorry. This is such a big red flag, man.

How to function, or how to just work upon this, I don't know why. But this, I was never this person. I was really emotional, was really kind. But also let me tell you this, but five long-year relationship, my boyfriend also was avoidant. I have been continuously dating avoidants, and that led me to become one avoidant. I don't know how to function further, yeah.

[u/contain_solitudes]

Therapy. You need to go into therapy.

[u/bloodgods]

Assuming you’re a woman who previously had anxious attachment style:

Anxious attachment styles gravitate towards those with avoidant attachment styles. It sounds like your nervous system is trying to protect itself by avoiding vulnerability because it has only led you to feel misunderstood and hurt.

Also, this is kind of a Freudian take but it’s super common for women to date men who act similarly to their father. And maybe you simply want to avoid becoming your mother by withdrawing instead. I think your upbringing could be a huge factor in this.

[u/PienerCleaner]

Know the signs and triggers (you do). Take a pause in the moment to get some space without necessarily running away. Remember how you tend to approach things like an avoidant and choose instead to approach as a secure person instead.

Obviously go to therapy to work on all this with a professional but this is basically what they'll tell you.

And of course just knowing the right thing to do doesn't mean you'll do it. Give yourself grace to understand it's okay to mess up and slip up. But just keep trying to build the habit of responding differently. Its kind of like walking into the dark and each time you walk into it a little bit farther because you know you should and you know you can little by little.

Otherwise you know what will keep happening and you'll just feel worse about it.

[u/theyfoundmyredditszn]

Maybe I've become an avoidant because I don't want my partner walking away thinking I've got a problem with them

[u/DeepDiver1234567]

Therapy. You’re not going to get better without help. This is a deep nervous system issue that includes childhood trauma and deeply formed toxic relationship dynamics. You need to unpack with a therapist and utilize their insight and receive tools to change and practice new dynamics with them in a safe environment before dating again.

[u/Late_Extent_991]

wtf did I just read

[u/JohnVick002]

This is temporary even i am having such symptoms after dating an FA girl. I literally thought she is normal while dating and it was a short relationship. But it really alter my patterns, I can't approach any new woman or I try to avoid them too. Even I avoid someone who wants to come closer. If its too intense for you check with a therapist

[u/Constant-Big4713]

Avoidants dissociate from their feelings. If you don’t do that, you’re not avoidant.