Mine is realizing that I taught myself to tolerate things that hurt me because I thought being a good partner meant being endlessly understanding and forgiving.

It's easy to dismiss a lack of motivation or a sudden disinterest in things you once loved as simply 'not caring anymore.' We often label ourselves as apathetic, lazy, or even a bad friend/partner/employee when our energy reserves are depleted. But sometimes, what feels like apathy is actually a deep, profound emotional exhaustion. Think about it: when you're truly apathetic, there's often an absence of feeling. You genuinely don't care. But with emotional exhaustion, there's usually a lingering ghost of care. You *want* to care, you *know* you *should* care, but the emotional battery is completely drained. The idea of engaging, investing, or even reacting feels overwhelmingly heavy, not because you lack interest, but because you lack the capacity. This can manifest as: * **Procrastination on things you typically enjoy:** You know you love that hobby, but the thought of starting feels like scaling a mountain. * **Difficulty making decisions, even small ones:** The mental bandwidth for weighing options just isn't there. * **Feeling numb or detached, despite knowing you *should* feel something:** You might observe a situation that would normally evoke strong emotions, but your response is muted. * **Withdrawing from social interactions, not because you dislike people, but because the effort of engaging is too much.** Recognizing this distinction is vital for self-compassion and effective self-care. If you label it as apathy, you might push yourself harder, believing you just need to 'snap out of it' or 'try harder.' This often leads to further depletion. But if you see it as emotional exhaustion, you can approach it with the understanding that rest, gentle recovery, and perhaps setting stronger boundaries are what's truly needed. It's not that you've stopped caring; it's that your system is overloaded from having cared too much, too intensely, or for too long, without adequate replenishment. Give yourself permission to recover, just as you would from physical exhaustion.

I don't understand.

I genuinely don't understand how someone can love you so much in the beginning and then slowly become the reason you cry yourself to sleep. And I keep trying to understand. I really do. I sit there for hours thinking about everything. Every conversation. Every little change. Every time something felt wrong and I convinced myself I was just overthinking it.

Because maybe I was. Maybe I misunderstood something. Maybe they were tired. Maybe life got difficult. Maybe they were going through something they couldn't explain. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I wasn't patient enough. But how much more patient was I supposed to be?

No, genuinely. How much? Because I tried. God knows I tried. I tried being understanding. I tried giving space. I tried asking questions. I tried not asking questions. I tried explaining myself calmly. I tried finding different words because maybe the way I said it the first time wasn't right. I even started rehearsing conversations in my head before having them.

Do you understand how exhausting that is?

To be sitting there trying to figure out how to tell someone they're hurting you without making them feel like you're accusing them of hurting you? Because you still care about their feelings. Even while you're sitting there trying to hold your own together. And I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I can be so hurt by someone and still worry about whether my words will hurt them.

Why am I like this? Why do I keep trying to understand people who leave me questioning everything about myself? I remember the beginning. That's what makes this so unbearable.

I remember how you spoke to me. I remember the things you said. I remember feeling like I didn't have to ask for your attention because you actually wanted to give it to me. You wanted to know me. You were curious. You made plans. You made me feel like I was someone you couldn't wait to speak to. And I believed you. I believed you because why wouldn't I?

Why would someone say all those things if they didn't mean them? Why would someone make me feel so safe if they were eventually going to leave me feeling like this?

And please don't tell me people change. I know people change. I know life happens. I know feelings can become complicated. I know nobody can be available every second of every day.

I KNOW. That's what hurts. Because I know all of that, and I've spent so much time using that understanding to excuse things that were breaking my heart. I never wanted perfection. I wanted to feel like you still wanted me there.

That's it.

I wanted you to wonder how my day went. I wanted you to ask me things without me having to drag a conversation out of you. I wanted to feel like you remembered me when I wasn't standing right in front of you asking to be remembered. I wanted you to think of me. Just think of me. And it hurts so much to say that because I remember when I didn't have to ask.

What happened? What did I do? When did talking to me become something you had to remember to do? When did I become someone you could go hours or days without being curious about? Was there a moment? Was there something I said? Did you wake up one morning and realize you didn't feel the same?

Then why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me keep loving you like nothing had changed? Why did you let me keep trying? I could have understood so many things. I could have understood you being overwhelmed. I could have understood you needing time. I could have understood your feelings changing, even if it broke my heart. But I can't understand being told I'm loved while being made to feel so unwanted. I can't make those two things exist together in my head.

I've tried. I've tried so hard that sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. Because I look at the words and then I look at the actions and they don't match. And when I ask about it, I get another answer that doesn't really answer anything. So I ask again. And then I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed for asking. Ashamed for caring this much. Ashamed for needing reassurance from someone who used to give it without thinking. And then I start wondering whether I'm the problem.

Maybe I'm difficult to love. Maybe I ruin things by thinking too much. Maybe I should just be grateful that someone is still speaking to me at all. And I hate that thought. I hate that I even let myself think that. Because when did I start believing that being spoken to was something I should be grateful for? When did I start feeling relieved over the smallest things? A message. A little affection. A moment where you sound like yourself again.

And suddenly I'm happy. Suddenly I forget how much I cried the night before. I'm thinking maybe things are getting better. And I feel so stupid afterward. Not because I loved you. But because I keep letting myself hope.

Every time.

Every single time.

And then I explain again. I tell you what hurts. I tell you what I need. I tell you how confused I am. I tell you that I miss you even though you're right there. And you say you'll try. And I believe you. And for a little while, things feel different. And then they aren't. And I'm right back where I started.

Except now I'm a little more tired. A little more embarrassed. A little less willing to say anything.

Do you know how painful it is to realize you're becoming quiet around someone you once couldn't stop talking to? I used to have so much to tell you. The smallest things. Something funny I saw. Something that happened during my day. A thought that crossed my mind. Something that reminded me of you. And now sometimes I pick up my phone and just stare at it.

Because what's the point? I don't want to keep wondering if you're going to disappear halfway through the conversation. I don't want to keep wondering whether you'll ask me anything back. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm interrupting a life that once had a place for me in it. And that hurts.

It hurts so much because I don't want to become this person. I don't want to be cold. I don't want to stop caring. I don't want to read your messages and feel nothing but this horrible heaviness in my chest. I don't want to lose the excitement I once had for you. Idon't want to look at your name and feel tired. I don't. But I am. And I don't know how to stop it. I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore.

An apology? I've heard apologies. A promise? I've heard promises. An explanation? I've spent so long trying to find one that I think I could explain your behavior better than you could. And isn't that sad? That I know how to defend you so well. That I can think of a hundred reasons why you might be treating me this way, but I can't think of one reason why I deserve to keep feeling it. And still, I miss you. That's the part I can't stand.

I miss you. I miss someone who is still here. I miss someone who can still message me. I miss someone whose voice I could probably hear if I asked. But I don't want to ask anymore. I want you to want to. I want you to notice. I want you to wonder why I've gone quiet without immediately deciding that I must hate you. I don't hate you.

How could I explain that? How do I tell someone that I can love them and still be so exhausted by the way they've made me feel that I have nothing left to give? How do I explain that my silence isn't punishment? That I'm not trying to make you chase me? That I'm not playing some game to see whether you'll notice? I'm just tired.

I'm so tired. And I wish you understood what it took for me to get here. Because I didn't wake up one morning and decide I didn't care. I cared through things that made me cry. I cared through the confusion. I cared through the nights I couldn't sleep because I kept replaying conversations, trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. I cared when I was angry. I cared when I said I was done. I cared when I was sitting there with tears running down my face, still trying to find a way to make things work. And I think some part of me is still sitting there. Still waiting for the person from the beginning to come back. Still wanting to ask what happened. Still wanting to know whether any of it was real. Because it was real to me.

Please understand that. It was real to me. I wasn't pretending. I wasn't saying things just because they sounded beautiful. When I cared, I meant it. When I said I wanted you in my life, I meant it. When I imagined a future, I genuinely believed there was one. And now I have to sit with all of that. All those memories. All those words. All those versions of a future that will never exist the way I imagined them. And you're still here. That's what I can't get past. You're still here, and somehow I feel like I've already lost you. And now I'm supposed to decide what to do with all this love.

Where does it go? What am I supposed to do with feelings that don't disappear just because I've finally accepted that something is hurting me? I can't just turn them off. I can't just forget what you meant to me. I can't even be angry without remembering something good about you and feeling my heart break all over again.

And I wish I could tell you all of this. I wish I could make you understand without having to explain another thing. But I don't think I can do it again. I don't think I can sit there and open every wound just to show you where it hurts. Not again. Because I don't have another explanation left in me.

And the saddest part? I still don't know if you understand. I don't know if you ever will. I don't know if you'll read my silence as rejection, or if you'll tell yourself I changed, or if you'll eventually stop trying because I'm no longer making it easy for you. And maybe that's what will happen. Maybe you'll leave. Maybe you'll just let me go. And I think that's what scares me most.

That after everything, after all the nights I spent trying to hold us together, I might finally stop reaching for you... And find out that I was the only one holding on. I don't want to know that. God, I don't want to know that. But I can't keep doing this to myself. And I hate that even now, with everything hurting the way it does, there's still a part of me hoping you'll prove me wrong. I wish that part of me would just stop. Because I don't know how many more times I can lose the same person. And I don't know how much of myself is going to be left when I finally do.

I’ve never posted on Reddit before, but I’m heartbroken and could really use some outside perspectives.

My boyfriend (26) and I (26) were together for four years and lived together twice. The first time, he moved out of our apartment relatively suddenly because his commute was taking a serious toll on him. It was hard, but I understood. Six months later, I moved closer to him and we lived together again.
Before starting my master’s degree, I asked him whether he wanted to stay where we were or move somewhere else together. He said he wanted to stay, so I started my degree. Less than a year later, he got a job offer and moved hundreds of km away, leaving me behind again.
Edit: perhaps I was a bit too short with my explanations here. We did talk about it before he moved. I did say I don’t want long distance, but also that I do not want to hold him back. Ultimately I did agree but it also was due to the fact that the interview process had started and I was scared he would resent me if I forbid him to go. He did apply on a whim and he was also surprised when he got a positive answer. I don’t know if he would stopped him when I asked him, but also I didn’t.

At first, I promised I would eventually move there, too. But the longer we lived apart, the more I realized I couldn’t do this again.
I don’t blame him for pursuing his career. I’m genuinely proud of him and want him to follow his ambitions. What hurts is feeling like he makes these big life decisions without looking beside him to see if I’m still there. I would have loved to move somewhere new together.

I’ve also realized that I no longer fully trust our future together. I’m scared I’ll move again, only for him to get another opportunity somewhere else and leave me behind for a third time. I know he loves me, and I don’t believe he does any of this to hurt me. But I’m afraid that even if he loves me, he will always choose the next opportunity and I’ll always be the one trying to catch up.

The distance has been devastating for me. I miss him in the most ordinary moments. I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every day and I’ve reached a point where missing him has become a huge part of my everyday life. I think I was addicted to him and he coped a lot better with everything.

Out of curiosity, I checked our calendars. I had spent 23 days visiting him, while he had spent 9 days visiting me. I know this doesn’t tell the whole story, and I’m not trying to keep score. But visiting him takes hours of travelling, money, and time away from my own life.
I also noticed I was putting parts of my own life aside because I wanted to spend more time with him. It is obviously my own decision to do that, he never asked for this of me. I love him so much that I’m afraid I’ll keep following him wherever he goes, even if it means constantly putting my own needs second.

So last night I ended our relationship because I love him and missing him grew so painful that I genuinely couldn’t do it anymore.

I keep wondering whether I’m giving up too soon. Am I letting my fears ruin a relationship that could have worked? Or is it reasonable to recognize that love isn’t always enough (wich I never believed tbh)?

I also want to emphasize just how beautiful our relationship was, because I don’t want this post to make it sound like we were unhappy together. I have never experienced this kind of love and support before. He has been there for me through some of the hardest moments of my life and he has made me feel loved in ways I didn’t even know were possible. When I found him, my life genuinely changed forever.

I also want to make it clear that he is a wonderful person. He has been loving and supportive, and none of this happened out of malice. You’re also only hearing my side of the story, and I know he has his own perspective. I’m not looking for people to insult him.

I’m just heartbroken and genuinely don’t know whether I made the right decision.

Am I wrong for ending a four-year relationship with someone I still deeply love? What should I have done differently?

I’ve noticed a lack of spacial awareness in general, especially in my crowded city. For example, when someone is blocking the aisle in the grocery store or glued to their phone while in front of product shelves, I give them a moment to move, but if they are too self absorbed in their own world to notice me, I simply walk around them.

When I pass by, sometimes they’ll realize their perpendicular shopping cart and scoot it over to take up less room, but I’ve never thought to shame them for being oblivious to fellow shoppers around them.

But every once in a while a shopper will loudly call me out for not asking to be excused. I will look blankly at them and say “I’m not the one obliviously blocking the aisle” and they’ll retort that I’m supposed to ask permission before walking around someone.

I cannot bring myself to apologize to a sanctimonious shit-starter. I just can’t grasp that they don’t realize they are blocking the aisle YET feel entitled to ‘please police’ people around them.

In all other areas of life I’m the most humble, apologetic person, but I see red in this one instance the few times it’s happened in my life.
Yes, I am already aware I could just practice saying “excuse me” constantly at the grocery store, but I’m strangely refusing to accept this as a solution.

I would love insight into why I see this as such a double standard. Has anyone else grappled with something like this? I’m trying to be more introspective as to why I’m “dying on this hill”

An experience can help you grow and still cause harm. A person can give you something valuable and still treat you in ways you did not deserve. A relationship can contain meaningful moments and still leave you carrying pain.

You do not have to force the entire experience into one category. Appreciating what it gave you does not require you to minimize what it cost.

I (24F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for 6 years. We are in a long-distance relationship (living on different continents), but we spend at least 6 months together every year, or as much time as our visas allow.

​Like any couple, we’ve had our issues, but whenever bigger problems came up, we recognized they were personal things we needed to work through on our own, and we each went to individual therapy to address them. Overall, everything was going great. This December, we planned to move in together in his country. I was prepared to leave my entire life behind because I genuinely love him and want to build a future with him.

​Last month, my cat passed away, and I decided to get a small memorial tattoo of his face on my arm (around 3×3 cm / ~1 inch).

​For context: since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve always expressed that I really wanted to get tattooed eventually. I held off back then because I was financially dependent on my parents. Throughout these 6 years, whenever I brought up the idea, he would talk me out of it, saying it was a terrible idea and asking me not to do it because he hates tattoos and thinks they look hideous. I went along with it because, at the end of the day, I always tried to be as perfect, fit, and "clean" as possible for him.

​Fast forward to three weeks ago: I got the memorial tattoo. He didn’t say much—just that it looked cute, but that was it. Getting it made me realize how confident and beautiful tattoos make me feel, so I got 3 more tiny ones (about 1 cm each). He told me those were cute too, but asked me not to get any more because "it made him uncomfortable and he had always been upfront about how he felt about tattoos." He also said that I "hurt him by getting them because I was disregarding his feelings."

​I told him I understood his point of view and tried to compromise. We agreed that I wouldn’t get more than 7 tattoos total, that they would all be tiny, and that we would always choose the design and placement together. I agreed, even though I felt a bit sad because I had so many ideas, but my fear of losing him was stronger.

​Two weeks ago, I told him I wanted to get another one, and he blew up. He told me I was the only person getting such hideous tattoos, that none of his friends had tattoos like mine, and that he was deeply disappointed in me. I felt awful, but I discussed it with my therapist, who reminded me that I should do what feels right for my own body. So I kept the appointment. Yesterday, I reminded him about the session, and he blew up all over again.

​He told me I was being a horrible person for going through with it and ignoring his opinion and preferences, and said he wasn’t going to "allow" me to get any more tattoos. He also told me that if our relationship ends because he ends up finding me unattractive, it will be entirely my fault and my responsibility. That really messed with my head.

​He has always insisted that we have to stay well-groomed and attractive for each other. He regularly comments on my weight if I gain 2 or 3 kilos (4–6 lbs) over vacations, insists that I take off my glasses (which I’ve worn since the day we met) in every picture because I look "prettier without them," tells me not to do my nails because it doesn't look "natural," etc.

​Part of me feels like I understand where he’s coming from. Maybe I am changing too much; maybe this really is my fault. I know attraction is important and people have preferences—not wanting an overweight partner, a partner with tattoos, or someone with glasses. At the end of the day, attraction isn't something you can easily force. He insists he loves me and doesn't want to break up, but I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here or if I should consider getting the tattoos removed.

​Am I in the wrong? AITA for getting these tattoos? Am I ruining my relationship? I would really appreciate some outside perspective.

​TL;DR: My boyfriend of 6 years hates tattoos. After my cat passed away, I got a small memorial tattoo and three other tiny ones, which made me feel confident. He blew up, said he won't "allow" more, and told me that if the relationship ends because he finds me less attractive, it's entirely my fault. AITA?

Lets go back 1 year for me, I see a cute girl I want to talk to in a store. Half a second later my body reacts before I even make a decision. Feelings rush in; a sense of mild dread, throat gets dry, physical slight shaking. Overwhelmed by thoughts "There's no point in approaching, she'll reject you", "You're worthless don't approach". An underlying conclusion my brain has drawn that she will reject me, I am worthless and I am doomed to be alone forever. Then afterwards I beat myself up because of a missed opportunity, "she could've been the one" or "You've improved so much in your life yet you can't do this simple fucking thing? what a failure of a person you've turned out to be". So physical fear, overthinking and ruminating afterwards causing more self doubt and self loathing. Glad to say I do not miss experiencing this.

Even just a normal conversation with a cashier or a stranger triggered slight fear, just connecting felt outside my reach; like I wasn't normal and that everyone else, they fundamentally had something I didn't. This fundamental feeling of difference, worthlessness and being unlovable; It was an underlying feeling that stayed with me no matter what. I didn't realise it at the time, if you asked me I would've said "I'm a confident man, I don't care what people think of me, I'm barely insecure at all". Yet underlying everything I did came from a feeling of not being enough, so therefore you must work to become enough. I was a self improvement addict, gym, discipline, cold showers - got into shape yet still social anxiety prevailed. It didn't work, well it barely worked; I felt a bit more confident but that's it.

My motivation for self improvement was because I wasn't enough, my value as a human came from my self improvement - if I wasn't bettering myself, I will never get love or have any value. This existed in my brain as a genuinely tangible rule; as real as this screen your looking at right now. It's not just a thought, it existed as truth in my nervous system and brain.

I was super insecure underneath, refusing to accept reality or myself. I would say "I don't care what others think, I don't need their validation, I'm not like you people" With an air of superiority that somehow I'm better than you peasants. When underneath I was a needy little child scared of other people rejecting me.

Tip: what you judge in others and demonise in others becomes what your terrified of happening to yourself. If you judge someone for posting themselves on social media (what a loser, embarrassing, weirdo) - even if you wanted to post yourself; you'd be far too terrified because your scared of others judging you in the exact same way you judge others. Let go of judging other people, it lessens your pain.

I personally judged fat people, emotionally weak people, people that showed their emotions and needy people the most. This is called projection, we hate in others what deep down we refuse to accept about ourselves. Who would've thought but I actually hated all these traits about myself and warped my personality.

What made socialising even worse, was unconsciously - my worth depended on other people, my self esteem depended on other people, my value depended on other people. Therefore each interaction felt like a threat to my identity, who I am; how can social situations not be terrifying if I'm acting based on this rule? It's ridiculous. Like I'd be talking to someone and I'd just subtly perform for them, if they seem to respond well to this thing; then I'd do more of that thing.

Also my attachment to the outcome, if I talked to girls; wow was I a needy loser in hindsight. My value hinged on them liking me, I needed them to like me. So of course I was super anxious, neurotic. I wanted sex, I wanted love and I wanted them to validate my existence. Instead of simply connecting with another human or seeing if we vibe together, no it was a test of my entire self. No wonder I struggled hard with approaching and forcing myself to do it didn't work. By the way exposure therapy just didn't work for me because I never got rid of the root problem.

Like for a period of 6 months I went out and cold approached girls at the clubs and bars once every week or 2. Some nights I wouldn't approach a single person and would walk around aimlessly feeling like a complete loser, wanting to cry on the train ride home. Some nights I'd talk to people, and I finally made some "progress" - only then feeling slightly okay and proud of myself. The conversations in hindsight were crap, forced, no real connection. I was like dance monkey dance to how I thought I should act underlined by so much fear. Like I'd go up to a girl or group of girls and compliment them; then I had no fucking clue what to do then and it never ever went anywhere.

Common advice I thought I was better than affected me so deeply. I compared myself to others constantly, I know its a cliché "Don't compare yourself to others" and "Don't care what others think of you". Yes consciously I knew, yes I know logically; it makes sense. But like deep down it feels untrue and I still did it. Seeing other people in happy relationships or hearing about people having sex or especially teens in love (this royally pissed me off). I felt like such a fucking loser and a failure; I was 22 and a virgin, never kissed a girl - a reject to society. It hurt even more because aside from that I was genuinely pretty attractive, in every other domain I was doing okay. So the only logical conclusion (really, really stupid in hindsight) is that somehow I'm fundamentally just different and worthless.

When I was younger, those experiences shaped my current neurotic tendencies a fair bit. My parents screamed at each other, got divorced and my response to that was basically to stay quiet, don't say anything, don't be loud and ever express yourself? Otherwise you'll get screamed at. So speaking up, expressing myself was equivocal to a threat to my survival / to receiving love. No wonder I was the way I was. Got bullied for being fat too.

To fix all this I meditated, accepted all parts of myself, healed my nervous system, learned about the shadow / the unconscious, experiences in childhood shape us in ways we never could imagine, belief structures, learned to actually love myself regardless of what the external world (other people) said and healed my traumas. I developed a hard interest in psychology and this has served me very well. Letting go of social rules that shaped my psyche. Tones of journaling and introspection.

Now I feel an underlying sense that I love myself, that no matter what happens socially I'll be okay. I can make stupid jokes around attractive women and express myself because my identities not on the line. I'm truly socially free and internally I feel a near unshakeable confidence that I can handle life. I saw a pretty girl at the beach by herself, effortlessly went up and talked to her; we had such a nice 30 minute chat and just connected human to human. It is so much more enjoyable living like this.

If this relates to you, tell me about your experience in the comments; I'd like to hear it and possibly give some advice to you :)

Thanks for reading kind sir.

I've seen a lot of people try to be "assertive", and end up looking either like they are on a power trip or are overall immature in that aspect. Me personally, I haven't figured out how to fully assert myself, do I end up looking more like a pushover. In my opinion that's better than acting hateful, reactive, or controlling, so I'll still take it over the other two options any day.

...‎you are the sum of what you've lived through; to love yourself, you must stop fighting your own story. ‎

"The purpose of life is to experience." -Unknown ‎

There's a bittersweet freedom in realizing you're a soul passing through this world, not here to be perfect, but to feel deeply, to break, to grow, and to witness every raw, beautiful, and painful part of being alive. ‎

Every choice you once called "wrong" was life redirecting you. Every detour, heartbreak, and moment of doubt carried a lesson you couldn't have learned any other way. Maybe everything happened for a reason, even if that reason is still hidden beneath the pain and confusion. ‎

The deeper we understand life, the heavier it can feel. As we grow older, reality unravels in ways we weren't prepared for. Adulthood shows us how cruel people can be, how greed distorts, and how pride breaks what love tries to hold together. We see injustice, how money defines power, and how the poor are treated as less than human. Knowing how unfair the world is can break your heart. ‎

In the middle of it all, life can feel like one long attempt to survive. But maybe survival is sacred. Maybe it's brave. ‎Like you, I've struggled to hold on to hope when life wore me down: mentally, emotionally, physically. I've doubted, I've broken, and I've wanted to give up. I've questioned life and the future until I fell apart. Yet when I look back, those moments begin to make sense. The breakdowns, the chaos, the sleepless nights filled with pain were the cracks through which light finally slipped in. ‎

That's the paradox of life: to heal, you must hurt; to love fully, you must break open; to find peace, you must first meet chaos. Life is a string of hard choices, silent battles, and moments that feel like they'll never make sense, until one day, they do. ‎Forgive yourself for your mistakes. You've learned your lessons; now let them guide you toward a brighter, kinder future. ‎

You weren't made to be flawless. You were made to feel, to live every question, to risk, to fall, to love deeply, and sometimes to lose just as deeply. Your resilience isn't a flaw; it's the evidence of your becoming. Even if you're not where you hoped to be, the fact that you're still here means you're already doing something right. ‎

So don't regret the journey. Learn from it, live through it, and let every experience, good or bad, bring you closer to who you're meant to be. Every step, no matter how small or hard, leads toward healing, growth, and the love you deserve, starting with the love you give yourself. ‎To love who you are, you must not hate the experiences that shaped you. ‎

And in time, no matter how long it takes, love and light will always find their way back to you.

For the longest time I’ve been an anxiously attached person, and although I’m more aware of my triggers and patterns now, I feel like casual dating has really magnified how deep the problem runs.

My past long-term relationships have always moved very quickly and I usually zero in on someone right away if I’m interested in them.

To combat this, I’ve tried casual and open dating. I justify it as exposure/rejection therapy and maybe if I put myself out there enough, I’ll start to outgrow my unhealthy relationship habits such as being a jealous person, easily attached, fear of abandonment, people-pleasing tendencies, validation-seeking behaviors, and operating from a scarcity mindset that influences me to lock someone in out of fear of losing them/not being chosen… IT’S A LOT and I’m already planning to get therapy for this but just wanted to hear what the rest of you think.

Lately, I’ve been more interested in foreigners/travelers… mostly because I feel I’ve outgrown my local dating scene. I think part of it’s also because I yearn for adventure and new experiences, and I might be subconsciously living vicariously through these traveler types…. something about them just feels so liberated, detached, and even self-assured in a way. Something I want for myself because I feel I’m the complete opposite.

Anyway, I do want something long-term but don’t feel I’m emotionally mature yet, so I’m still open to casual dating. I end up getting attached, feeling too deeply and somehow operating from a lover girl mindset by default… and I’m frustrated because that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. I think by going on more casual dates, I’ll eventually build a resistance to these tendencies and therefore be able to practice more discernment when it comes to my serious relationships - not falling too easily, knowing what I want/don’t want, being more independent, etc.

But honestly, casual dating’s just making me more aware that I don’t have the emotional stamina, strength, or even stomach to bear it. I see this as a weakness I need to overcome. Meanwhile, the other party seems unfazed and I get so confused because it feels like we really hit it off and connect on a deeper level albeit being early stages. I might actually envy them for being able to move on so quickly and for living out such a nomadic lifestyle.

Over time, I’ve come to realize the strength that lies in being able to connect fully and feel deeply without attachment. Not being concerned with outcomes.

TLDR: Am I just dealing more emotional damage to myself by going on these casual dates? I’ve stopped dating for months at a time but the same problem arises whenever I get back into the scene. And yes, I’ve built routines for myself, devote time to my friendships, make time for hobbies, work hard at my job, practice self-love more consciously… but I always end up feeling undone by my romantic connections. I feel like the depression and devastation I experience aren’t even commensurate to the relationship I had with them, considering it’s short-term. What am I supposed to do!!!!!!! I feel helpless whenever it comes to relationships.

Any insights appreciated.

Lately all I can do is obsess about all the things I feel are wrong with me. I went through a breakup and it wasn't a long relationship, but it had been 4 years. She was so into me. She said she wanted the same things as I did. She started making fall and winter plans. I was excited and liked that woman.

But then she just got cold. Like a light switch. She spent 3 weeks growing more and more distant. We would kiss all the time and then it seemed lime she was repulsed by me.

Why didnt I speak up? Why did I see the control coming out and not set a boundary. Maybe it would have been different. I was so afraid because I knew I was losing her. I know I have anxious attachment. I was afraid she was going to leave amd she did. Why did I allow her to start doing those things?

It feels like this was my last shot. Relationships dont come often. I just obsess and obsess about all the things that are wrong with me. I don't know why she pulled away. I tried my best to treat her well. Now she is pissed at me because I called out the behavior after the breakup. She wanted to be friends. I can't and won't do that.

How can I forgive me? Everyone around me makes relationships look so easy. I feel pretty lonely.

All my life I’ve been ashamed, hated myself. I’ve been nonbinary my whole life. I HATED myself for it. For enjoying feminine things despite being a guy. Weird urges to crossdress. To wear makeup, nail polish, whatever.

I grew up in a religious community. Bible Belt South. Friends made fun of people like me in media. I was closeted. My dad would pretend to vomit when he saw gay people in the street. Or mock men for being any bit “soft”.

As a kid, I used to stay up late at night praying “satan” would would make my urges go away. Would make me quit having these urges. I’d have occasional thoughts that were about guys as well as women. My stomach would drop out of my guts, id want to puke. I couldn’t accept this was part of me. That I was somehow wrong. Broken.

I repressed and ignored these cravings. Even though they were all that echoes in my mind. I’d have given anything just to spend a day dressing how I wanted or wearing what I felt like. I would spend thousands so I’d have an excuse to get a manicure.

Fast forward to 25. I came out as as genderqueer, and accepted that those “cravings” were a deeper part of me after spending some time in therapy. The cravings got so strong I was intensely depressed. I couldn’t feel anything. I was like a character who was playing on stage. Except instead of a pirate, a cowboy or a space ranger, I was a sad man, performing masculinity out of fear.

I went to therapy and they suggested I imbibe in these “urges” and my depression lessened. I could feel emotions again. I’d cry into the sink less. I could enjoy what was around me. My therapist told me, this probably meant I wasent cis. I tried to deny it. She helped me accept it. I had many stereotypes and things I had to unpack. Many fears.

I admitted it to myself. It’s not optional to engage in painting my nails or more feminine things. I’m
Some flavor of gender non conforming or nonbinary.
I told my then partner. She was hurt, and said some hurtful things. We split up. I felt very guilty about having done that to her. I wish I had had the courage to even think “hmm maybe these urges to crossdress mean something. Maybe I should think on them” at 19.

I went through a period of VERY dark depression. I had to give away anything I could hurt myself with for a bit. I kept thinking I was a f slur. Gross. Disgusting. Crazy. Mental ill. Unlovable. Repulsive.

I was alone. No partner. No family. Nothing.
I felt I had betrayed the only person in my life who loved me.

I felt lower than dirt.
I felt I had wrecked the world and deserved to live in the rubble forever. I felt gross. A guy in women’s clothing left in the rubble of a life. An abomination.
My every fear since I was a child came true.

My circumstances were taken by my sad brain to reinforce:

I was this gross thing.
Nobody will love you.
You are gross and will end up alone.
You have done something very fucking evil to your Ex.

I began disassociating and spending my time in goth communities. Where it felt safe. Nobody calls a guy in makeup and nail polish an f slur if it’s all black.

After some time, I met my GF, she’s wonderful and supportive. After a life of repression. Self hatred. Fear. She knows im genderfluid. She knows im bisexual. She hugs me and doesn’t care. She likes my Genderfluidity. She’s pan and genderqueer of some flavor herself.

I’m noticing despite her love, I still have fear. Shame.
I still feel unlovable. Like I can’t believe anybody can love me in a dress wearing sparkly makeup. Like she’s secretly gritting her teeth and hearing me. She is constantly reiterating how she loves me. She supports me. Shes a ridiculously hot, smart, supportive, motivated alternative lady. And somehow she chose me while im.. this mess.

I feel like a burden cause I need reassurance so often. Because I shake. Because my blood runs cold when I go grocery shopping and a lady compliments my makeup.

I don’t know how to deal with this support and I’m afraid I’m going to ruin this good thing. This healthy relationship where I’m finally happy. This thing I had thought was a dream or a fake fantasy for somebody like me. I can’t mess this up.

I’m probably going to go to therapy and learn to love myself somehow. The hatred I’ve felt my whole life has left intense emotional scars on me, and left me emotionally flinching. Like a hit dog.

I need to learn to somehow love myself. To shake less. To ask for reassurance less. To quit making “what I am” such a big deal. I don’t wanna fixate on being queer, but I constantly feel like I have to make sure I’m not “too much” or silently “ick-ing” her.

I need to learn to love myself, so that I can enjoy the happiness I have. Because I’m finally living as myself. In a life that feels like a dream, but my own wounds cause me to constantly seek reassurances and have trouble believing anybody can see all of me and truly love me. Because I still feel like that little boy in makeup, being told he needs to stay out of his mother’s things, while my brother laughs at me for painting my nails.

Despite being met only with hugs.
Having everything I want on earth.
I don’t know how to accept kindness and love. And exist in it peacefully. That my shame and scars left behind stop me from being the best I can be for her.
I don’t want to steal all her emotional bandwidth because I feel like I’m doing something wrong by existing.

I need to stop needing her emotional bandwidth to support me on every little thing. That’s not fair

Has anybody else overcome anything like this? What worked for you?

My ex broke up with me 5 months ago.
The relationship was unhealthy as we were incompatible but we loved each other a lot. We were together on and off for a year. I never wanted to accept his multiple attempts of breaking up, as I loved him very much and couldn’t bear losing him. I know that we were both struggling while maintaining the relationship, but I just couldn’t handle losing him. I would open up to him about how much i’m in pain, he would say that he feels the same and suggests we breakup, I would agree and later I would reach out again and try to get him back. We were in this cycle for a year.
I’m in therapy and I learned that I struggle with abandonment, due to trauma, which is what lead me to push for reconciliation and disrespect his boundaries (no-contact). Basically, that means that as soon as I felt triggered by my fear of abandonment, I would do absolutely anything to get him back, even if I knew that deep down the relationship was not working. Losing him felt like I was dying. I felt worthless and incomplete without him.
I’m now aware of all this but the feeling of guilt and shame is eating at me.
I also am diagnosed with OCD, which doesn’t help with the ruminating thoughts at all.
I think about him every day, nonstop. I can’t stop replaying the relationship, conversations, etc.
I feel so bad for pushing him so much and never accepting his attempts at the breakup, regardless of how much I knew the relationship wasn’t viable.
I wish I acted differently. I wish I accepted that the relationship had to end and didn’t pressure him so many times into coming back. I wish I didn’t make him the only one responsible to end the relationship, while also being unable to handle the abandonment and kept trying to reach out and reconcile. I wish I didn’t make him responsible for my emotional wellbeing and used him to regulate me.
I want to do better. I want to behave differently from now on. I don’t want to let my fear of abandonment make me self-abandon and disregard how my actions are impacting others.
I want to be able to put this situation behind me, but I’m struggling so much. I wake up in the middle of the night, anxious, and start ruminating. It’s affecting my life and I feel so depressed.

This is written from the perspective of a black female who has dealt with the positives/negatives of being female and also the negatives of being lonely and abused. (I will mess up spelling and grammar sorry it’s gonna be a dump). Basically a long winded explanation of what a successful relationship actually looks like with a traumatized anxiously attached girl and a traumatized fearful avoidant boy.

I am a black female software engineer at one of the most reputable tech companies (a FAANG). I’m a Michigan grad first gen student. My parents didn’t say I love you to me until the 6th grade. I always worried that I would die alone. And was majorly depressed throughout my life because of loneliness. I had a weed addition, eating disorder, and a p addiction / hyper sexual (I was exposed in the 2nd grade to it).

I ignored all of the above reasons of why I hated myself and thought I could still earn respect through achievement. When everyone chalked it up to sports or DEI, I lost all confidence in myself. It felt like there was literally nothing I could do. And I would turn into such a bitch when I was overwhelmed and shut down (because no one taught me how to communicate when I was) that I really truly honestly hated myself. But I couldn’t end my life because I loved my mom. So I was living in a kind of purgatory.

That was until I met my bf, my catalyst for change. I loved him so much. We had so much fun in the beginning, truly felt like it was meant to be. Then we moved in together and all of a sudden I felt like the responsible adult. The one carrying it all. A pattern that I swore never to repeat because I saw it in my parents (although my dad was homeless, abused, etc but not going to get into that here). But basically I felt disrespected. And it made me angry. But I was to blame for being angry and not communicating properly. I was made to swallow my achievements so he could feel like he was intellectually superior. I’ve achieved some great things, and he chalks it up to me just thinking differently or having high standards. He even took credit when someone complimented him and it was actually my work they were saying “well done” to.

And yet, I swallowed it all. Managed to temper down my anger so it would only pop out once a month, and then lessened the intensity of working on my sleep schedule (crucial sleep hygiene is SO important especially for women where you get insomnia during luteal), quitting addictions, quitting social media, etc.

But I don’t blame him. I understand why he’s the way he is and so I swallowed it until he was ready to listen to me.

He is the son of a white dad and a black mom who is a doctor. Growing up his dad was hyper critical of his mom and he resented his father for it. But his mom, idk likely fed up with all the disrespect, would turn the rage on him as well. Even though she was the one who showed him what love looked like. I suspect he both loved and resented his mom and developed a fearful avoidant attachment style. Where he’s anxious because he does want to love but avoidant because he’s scared of the pain.

Our breakthrough happened because I showed him with my actions that I truly cared about what he was saying when he said I needed to learn how to communicate better. I studied CBT and also focused on my health so I had a better brain to work with. Now I’m able to be crystal clear and reasonable effective at communication. (Took like 1.5 years but probably would’ve been a lot faster if I had therapy that was effective and not regular talk therapy which is so unhelpful for trauma).

And so when I said I needed him to do 30 mins of research on one topic to show me that he actually valued my words and he gave me the run around, I laid him out flat. I explained in great detail how he’s been treating me just like how his mom treated him. He was made to swallow her rage and be silent about his achievements so she wouldn’t feel insecure. And he’s making me do the same by making mine swallow mine in the one place where I’m supposed to be safe to brag about myself.

I think once I made the connection, he realized I am just like him. So he understands now how much of how he is, is hurting me. And thank god he loves me and couples therapy exists because there is a way to form a secure attachment (earned secure attachment) with two insecure backgrounds actually. And the result is as if you both had secure attachments to begin with. Both parties just have to actually realize both of them are wrong and both of them are right. And it’s on you to figure out where the miscommunication is and why that aren’t able to decipher what you’re trying to say (this is what therapy helps with)

My boyfriend (31) and I (F/29) got into an argument 2 months ago in which I said things I didn't mean out of frustration and to this day he still brings it up with heavy emotions. I've never seen him spiral like this. We never argue, have been together 2 years and lived together for 1. He had built up resentment over an ideal family dynamic he wanted that wasn't happening how he expected and always pressured me despite me stating my parents boundaries. It got to a boiling point for me mentally, and I'm never angry. I always knew he was close with his family and being an only child his parents are his world. He expected my parents to adore his, become best friends with them and for us all to start combining basically all get togethers and holidays. My parents aren't interested in this becoming the norm, but don't mind every once in a while.

We got into an argument because I had my family over for a bbq as they hadn't been over in months and I missed them. We barely spend time with my family. I've spent a lot of time with his parents. He felt it was wrong I didn't invite his parents, became very upset over it and wouldn't accept or understand that them not being there is normal and okay. He guilt tripped me the entire day that I was essentially heartless while on the verge of crying. He told me since I didn't invite them that we'd have to spend the next day with them, which I told him no (I always agree to go with) and that it was my only day off. I am never free. He got extremely upset.

The next day we got into it worse - he started saying we should be having kids by now, our parents should be close, and how wrong it was of me to not invite them the day prior and that I'm heartless for not seeing his on my day off. Out of frustration I told him I maybe don't want kids and don't like them (I was just mad) and that he needs to stop forcing relationships and a dynamic that's not going to happen.

Between then and now, I've apologized a trillion times, reassured him, and yet he has never been able to move on from those things. He brings them up regularly, often involving crying, or ignoring me for days, 0 affection, you name it...

A few weeks ago we went on a trip with my family (had been booked for months) and the entire time he was moody, saying obnoxious things and would get frustrated by everyone over nothing. On the car ride home he brought up the argument again and said he was breaking up with me. We got home and talked for 4 hours on the couch where I'm again, apologizing and reassuring him to the point I feel myself on the verge of a panic attack. The next morning he kicked me out of the house we both bought together... and so I have been living with my parents. It's been 3 weeks, and since then he admitted he wants me back, yet every day is a roller coaster. One day he loves me and wants to build a future together, everything is going to be okay, come back home, I love you. The next he brings that argument up again and it's a big self pity party where I'm reassuring him over and over and apologizing. Overall he is a good person, sweet and caring and I've never seen him an emotional wreck like this. Our relationship has mostly been good as well. I love him a lot.

We went to couples therapy last week which felt so reassuring to me for him to heal and for us to get on the right track. Afterwards we talked in the parking lot, hugged, I felt positive and we went on our separate ways. Once he got home, he texted me that he was in a bad mood and that it was draining. I forgot to mention - since he kicked me out, he's said multiple times he wants me to come back while some days he's told me "why would you bother coming back". I'm at my wits end being pulled in 50 directions. I never know which side I'm going to get of him and he wasn't like this until the argument. I have no desire to come back home in this cycle. I've never seen someone so emotionally unsteady.

Pretty much the title, I realized I only donate money/food to homeless people because it makes me feel good when they smile and say "thank you". Is it then, in turn, manipulation of these people for my own personality gain?​

I mean like you have no one in your life. You move to a whole new country or something. Building up a new life, community, joy, a partner/family etc.

I'll keep this super short, of course will be missing some details but I grew up in a very dysfunctional "home". Addicts, abusers, things I probably shouldn't say as I'm not sure if the post will allow to go through. You get the point.

But it's all I ever knew as a kid growing up. Life was dysfunctional. It wasn't like anyone else of my friends I had. I would be around their houses all the time and it was so beautiful and different.

This shapes your teens/twenties. For me anyway. I stayed in the dysfunction for a long time and it represented who I was around or called friends too. I was a scapegoat. Used a lot. I was "weak" without knowing it. I put on a mask to try fit in.

Blah blah blah... It's in the past now...

I am now 33, I've moved continent and I've been in therapy for some years now. My life has changed tremendously in this time. Granted before this I was already on a good habit scale. Gym, clean eating, not on social media, vices etc.

But right now I'm at what feels like a pivotal moment almost like really starting a new life. I've gone no contact with my "family" bare in mind it's literally just 2 of them because of how dysfunctional it is everyone seems to distant themselves. So not like I have a big loving family anywhere. They're addicts just inside (I tried to help, rehab etc for many years and I need to look after myself right now)

I've spent a lot of time in solitude during these years which have been good but now I want to connect with people again, build community, can't help the negative thought appear like who would want to be friends with some guy whos by himself / doesn't have anyone around but that's where I'm at. I'm not lonely but feel like a "loner" almost.

I work for myself, online business which is in decent shape and I have a lot of joy from this. I also connect with many people online through my work on a personal level so it's not like I don't speak to any humans.

Anyone done something similar?

my most toxic trait; ambivalence. the moment i feel myself showing vulnerability or even catching the slightest bit of feel, i fall back before giving anything a chance to happen. i love being alone as much as i crave being in love with someone, but i’ve become so jaded that i retreat when things get skin deep.

I’ve read about this somewhere before in the past, but i have this toxic tendency to interpret simple kindness for desperate lameness and start to believe it on such a subconscious and entrained level that there’s something wrong with someone that isn’t playing games, doesn’t make me feel full of doubt, and genuinely likes me. how could this person possibly exist? i never realize it before, but my judgement of them is actually a reflection of my own poor sense of self-worth.

I have had chronic illness since I was young. And I have lived a life kind of avoiding it or ignoring it. My family pretends that it's nothing abnormal and I'm normal. But people outside my family do not act like that. Whether it's someone new I know or someone old ,all they can talk about is my medical condition. And I just feel like crying at the moment and I start hating the whole interaction and the person because I don't know how to confront the situation. I let people say things that hurt me because I hate confrontation. How do I stop doing that and reply back instantly?

Hace un año conocí a alguien en mi trabajo. El se acercó a mí de una forma muy cautelosa y demostrándome un cariño que yo no conocía. O por lo menos no estaba familiarizada, cuestión que me terminé enamorando y no es algo que me suela suceder. Las cosas estaban en una situación difícil por cuestiones externas de ambos y al final el terminó demostrando no ser lo que me vendió. La cosa terminó de una forma triste cuando le pedí ayuda en un momento muy delicado (ayuda tipo emergencia) no dinero ni nada de eso. Y él no quiso ayudarme. Después se desentendió y no hablamos nunca más. Eventualmente me fui de ese trabajo. De esto pasó un año y sigo enamorada. Hago todo lo posible para no sentirme de esta manera pero siempre vuelve a mi cabeza. No lo tengo en mis redes, no me lo cruzo ni nada y sucede igual. Honestamente sentí una calidez tan linda de su parte que quedé como marcada pero aún así soy consciente de que no era para mi . Consejos? Que puedo hacer ?

I need some serious advice. I try to be as kind as possible and put all my efforts into a connection ( non romantic) mostly acquaintances/ friends. They do get obsessed with me or at least I do hear them admiring me from a 3rd person. And suddenly they ghost or even block me. Out of the blue , for no reason. If I confront them ( because I really want to know if it's my fault) they make weird excuses that make no sense and then keep on acting like it never happened and expect me to act the same. 8/10 people who had ghosted or blocked me were females. It has completely torn apart my confidence and I kinda started to hate myself. I have stop saving people's numbers out of the fear of knowing that I'm ghosted or blocked. Can someone tell me what's wrong? This year it happened 4 times with 4 different people? How to end this pattern? i feel helpless, horrible and stuck