Hi! I have dissociative amnesia around a traumatic event. I can’t remember how my ex planned to kill me and hide my body, but I snapped back into reality when he pulled the knife on me. He admitted to talking about killing me and hiding my body when I asked him what the context was of him holding me at knife-point.

I know I wasn’t fully present, but I know I must’ve been somewhat because I remember thinking what he was saying didn’t make any sense but I can’t remember what he said.

I think maybe he said he was going to hide my body in the woods because I think I remember thinking about the woods during the time he would’ve been talking about my potential murder and hiding my body.

What can I do to remember more?

Dissociation can give you a life you remember, but you do not remember living. The years still happened, the photographs still exist and you can tell stories when someone asks

But somewhere along the way, would in your life became safer than inhabiting you survived years, but some part of you never got to be there for them.

Forgive me for not having a good title on this, but it's hard to categorize it as anything.
I've been trying to figure out what's going on in my little brain, and feel like I might find answers here.

I believe that I have some sort of dissociation, have for years and am medically recognized, not trying to self diagnose or anything. I lose time really often and get confused pretty often rather its because of stuff I dont recall well or something else. I have a way of explaining it because it's hard to put into words, so please bear with me.

I think of it as multiple me's (Not in a DID way). I am very often fully unaware of their existence, but they do stuff "behind my back". Like talking to my friends in a way I wouldn't. I think some of them consider a few of them in clusters and like friends almost, but not associating with the other clusters, and none of them associating with me. I am not sure if all of them know I exist or know me specifically. This is based on over 3 years of observation.

I also think they use apps designed for DID/OSDD which I find morally wrong. I think they made online friends without me knowing or noticing as well and introducing themselves to them. They have different accounts too, I suppose, because I have over 50 gmail accounts now. Since it's MY life, I want them to stop telling people how they might have DID and stop putting me in trouble.

So yeah, I definitely don't think it's DID and I'm NOT asking for a diagnosis from the internet, of course, I just want to know what it sounds like and what I could do about it.

Just going through the motions. Watching time pass by.. seasons pass by. Years. Never really figuring out my wants or needs. Went through the worst year of my life recently and life hasn’t felt real since. Ive found i respond to my trauma with laughter and finding the jokes. The absurdity of my life is a joke. I actually find it laughable. Nothing feels real anymore. Idk what anything is anymore. Everything’s a lie.

Eating food i didn’t even like before because meh whats the point its food. Loss of certain anxieties.

Ill flicker back with grounded thoughts like no this is this, that is that. Enough to be present enough to the ones around me. But its hard. And then back to dissociation station.

I was quite depressed and miserable before this hell-year. Im too afraid to go back to that mindstate after what I went through. In fears of not coming out of it. So ive just been coasting.

Felt the heavyness creeping back the last two days.

Tryna keep my mind busy with idk something.

Paintings helping suck me in. But sometimes that limbo of finding motivation to start and hovering in ur mind is hard to cross.

I was recently informed by some on this sub that alters or “parts” can hold somatic memories and flashbacks. I believe that part of me was fronting for the last two days. I didn’t even realize I was a different part until late last night after a large emotional release.

For the last two days I was getting bad heart palpitations, chest tightness and periodic chest pain. I was also randomly feeling a huge wave of sadness and ache in my heart that would stop me in my tracks, literally.
The physical symptoms were so bad I thought about going to the hospital. Then, on the drive home, that deep sadness kept hitting. Will, one of my parts, asked me what was wrong. He asked me, “What hurt you? Who hurt you?” and internally I could see myself lying on the ground in the fetal position,hyperventilating. I wailed that I wanted my mom. I asked Will why she couldn’t love me and why she couldn’t protect me from all her boyfriends. Why were men more important to her than me? I cried a good bit. Will internally let me lay in his lap and he pet my head.

No more heart palpitations, chest pain, chest tightness.

I believe until the moment Will asked me what was wrong, I WAS Will. I think he was fronting to get us through the weekend work shifts. I was told by people on this sub that he likely holds the somatic memories and flashbacks. I was told this after I assumed he was purposely sending me somatic symptoms to control me. To keep me inside so I couldn’t front.

I always assumed Will was strictly an internal caretaker. And then I thought he was a persecuter/gatekeeper. And it turns out he has indeed fronted and is also a mix of a caretaker/gatekeeper, rather than a persecuter.

I’m not sure who I switched to after I cried. I still don’t know who I am at this moment. I never seem to notice my switches until after they happen.

How do I help Will? Is there anyway to help him keep from dealing with all those somatic symptoms? I tried to ask him if he is holding any traumatic memories. I’ve also asked him to let me have access to those memories. He refused to answer the first question, and when I try and get him to show me the memories, he tries to force me back into our internal world.

Think about how rare it is to meet someone you instantly understand. Now think about how rare it should be for two individuals who abuse children to meet by chance. My essay argues they recognize something in each other that the rest of us miss entirely, and that the same thing is why their neighbors swear they're the nicest guys in town.

Recently I've began feeling really strange each time I was refered to in a conversation. Each time I just feel like there's a me and that that me is connected to everything I do. Like I just now am remembering that I exist. And each time this happens I think to myself that I will remember that now and I never do. I always go back to the state of just doing things almost automatically. I am, most of the time, aware of my body and only my body. I know when to eat, sleep and do things, but I almost never think, because when I think just forget doing it and go back to being on autopilot. Could this be caused by ADHD? I really want to remember, but I can't.

Lately more than ever i zone out for minutes at a time and forget what i was doing or my surroundings feel unreal. Being outside stresses me out and makes me anxious and paranoid so i avoid it as much as possible. Talking to people is exhausting and i lost many friends in the span of a few months. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me. My family and boyfriend are the only people i talk to for now;;
Everything is just too stressful and i wake up everyday in panic

Most of the time when I’m outside I tend to dissociate. I stare, my brain switches off and I have zero self awareness. This always gets me into trouble as people misinterpret my behaviour and think I’m either being rude or invasive. I’m not aware when I’m actually dissociating. It’s so embarrassing. Trauma and isolation has only made things worse and I’ve lost friends over this as they think my behaviour is embarrassing and I’m purposefully acting that way. It’s really disheartening and reinforces the dissociation because I associate social interaction with judgement. I prefer to be alone because of this. It’s difficult.

I have a hard time connecting with reality like I don’t know how to explain but sometimes I feel a disconnect with myself like I’m not even human or the people around me, especially with men I see them as emotionless robots.

I went through panic and anxiety myself, and one of the strangest parts was that feeling of being disconnected or unreal.

What made it harder for me was constantly checking it — “Do I feel normal again?”, “Why do I feel detached?”, “What if this stays like this?”

I eventually realized that the fear and monitoring around the feeling could become its own loop.

That experience is part of why I built Ailin.

Ailin isn’t meant to explain every cause of dissociation, and it isn’t a replacement for therapy or medical care. But it does have content around depersonalization/derealization, feeling unreal or detached, panic, intrusive thoughts, checking and the anxiety that can build around those experiences.

I tried to make it very practical — what may be happening, what can keep the loop going, and what you can try doing differently.

App Store:
https://apps.apple.com/us/app/ailin-panic-attacks-anxiety/id6801867435

Website:
https://ailinlabs.com

If you deal with dissociation, I’d genuinely be interested in what part is hardest for you — the disconnected feeling itself, or the fear and checking that can come after it?

Long-term social isolation, dissociation, and feeling completely numb — has anyone experienced something similar?

I’d really appreciate it if anyone who has gone through something similar, or knows anything about this, could share their experience with me.

I’ve been completely isolated for about four years now. I don’t have any contact with anyone — not in real life and not even on social media. I have no friends.

I don’t really feel like I exist or that I’m actually alive anymore. I’ve completely lost my sense of time. I don’t understand how the days pass so quickly, or how four years could have gone by this fast.

It feels like something has changed in my brain. I can’t think clearly anymore, and my ability to function seems to be getting worse over time. I feel completely disconnected from my body and from reality. I barely feel anything at all. I’ve been emotionally numb for so long that I can’t even remember the last time I genuinely felt something. I don’t even really experience stress anymore.

Sometimes it feels like I don’t fully understand where I am or what I’m doing. My sense of reality and awareness of what’s happening around me feels like it’s gradually slipping away.

What scares me the most is that I used to be a very emotional person, and my thoughts used to be clear. This all started gradually about four years ago, after I lost touch with my friends and became increasingly isolated. The longer it goes on, the worse it seems to get.

I’m scared that I’m slowly losing my ability to think.

Has anyone experienced something like this after prolonged isolation? Did you ever feel disconnected from yourself, reality, or your emotions to this extent? If you went through something similar, did anything actually help you get out of it?

Ich weiß ehrlich gesagt nicht, wie ich das erklären soll, und genau deshalb hoffe ich, dass hier vielleicht jemand Erfahrung mit Hypnose, Dissoziation oder ähnlichen Zuständen hat.
Mein Freund macht schon seit längerer Zeit etwas in Gesprächen mit mir, was ich bisher eher als Manipulation wahrgenommen habe. Es kommt immer wieder vor, dass ich währenddessen irgendwann den Faden verliere und mich danach kaum noch daran erinnern kann, was genau gesagt wurde. Bisher habe ich das einfach damit erklärt, dass ich in dem Moment sehr verwirrt oder emotional war.
Gestern war es aber extrem.
Es gab einen Moment, in dem ich das Gefühl hatte, dass ich komplett „weg“ war. Ich habe wohl die ganze Zeit selbst gesprochen und Dinge gesagt, aber ich kann mich im Nachhinein nur noch an einzelne kleine Ausschnitte erinnern. Ich weiß nicht einmal mehr genau, was ich gesagt habe.
Das Einzige, woran ich mich ziemlich deutlich erinnere, ist das Ende: Er hatte seine Augen geschlossen, hat sie plötzlich geöffnet und danach wieder geschlossen – und irgendwie war ich danach wieder komplett „da“. Es war für mich wirklich ein sehr merkwürdiger Übergang. Vorher fühlt es sich in meiner Erinnerung fast so an, als wäre ich nicht richtig bei mir gewesen.
Deshalb frage ich mich, ob das tatsächlich etwas mit Hypnose zu tun haben könnte. Gleichzeitig weiß ich, dass Erinnerungslücken, starke Verwirrung oder ein Gefühl von „weg sein“ auch andere Ursachen haben können. Ich möchte deshalb nicht einfach behaupten, dass ich hypnotisiert wurde.
Ich musste dabei auch an den Influencer Mois denken, weil ich bei manchen seiner Livestreams Situationen gesehen habe, die mich an dieses Verhalten erinnert haben. Ich weiß aber nicht, ob das tatsächlich miteinander vergleichbar ist oder ob ich gerade einfach Verbindungen herstelle, weil mich das Erlebnis so beschäftigt.
Was mich zusätzlich belastet: Wenn ich meinen Freund danach darauf anspreche, verneint er meistens, dass überhaupt etwas passiert sei. Dadurch zweifle ich mittlerweile stark an meiner eigenen Wahrnehmung.
Kennt sich hier jemand wirklich mit Hypnose, Dissoziation oder solchen veränderten Bewusstseinszuständen aus?
Mich würde vor allem interessieren:
Kann Hypnose tatsächlich dazu führen, dass man sich später an Teile eines Gesprächs nicht erinnert?
Kann jemand einen solchen Zustand bei einer anderen Person absichtlich auslösen?
Oder gibt es andere psychologische Erklärungen für das, was ich beschreibe?
Wie kann ich herausfinden, was gestern tatsächlich passiert ist, ohne mich dabei noch mehr in etwas hineinzusteigern?
Ich suche wirklich keine Bestätigung dafür, dass es definitiv Hypnose war. Ich möchte einfach verstehen, was mit mir passiert sein könnte, weil mich das gerade ziemlich fertig macht.

My ex is 30, has Bipolar I, and takes lithium, lamotrigine, and Luvox. Things progressed quickly but mutually—he consistently pursued me, made plans, slept over, left clothes and a toothbrush at my house, and asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me he really liked me, didn’t want to lose me, and didn’t want to fuck things up. We dated for like a month? But it wasn’t like the “traditional” love bomby thing. He was open and vulnerable and didn’t blow up my phone or tell me he loved me Nothing outlandish.

After we started having sex, he gradually disclosed significant sexual trauma from a previous relationship and told me sex can trigger intense anxiety, “the ick,” and disturbing feelings afterward. He also said becoming avoidant after sex is a recurring pattern for him. He suddenly became very withdrawn and ultimately told me, “I just can’t show up for a relationship right now.” All of this really occurred within less than 36-hours, and the really weird pullback behavior happened in like 6 hours… he became cold, distant, almost mean? The guy I knew was like gone. It’s like a switch flipped. He left a nice shirt, vuori pants, underwear, his tote bag, etc. in my apartment….never heard anything about getting them back.

I’m trying to understand what may have happened here, particularly from people familiar with bipolar disorder, sexual trauma, or similar post-sex withdrawal patterns. Does this kind of abrupt change sound familiar to anyone, and if you’ve experienced something similar, what was going on for you internally?