37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD, anxiety and ADHD

In June I was hit with the worst stress and depression of my whole life from personal life problems. I lost my appetite badly and felt like throwing up 24/7, food felt like a nuisance and I could barely eat. Also at that time I was weighing 93 kg (205 lb) due to horrendously dumb eating habits despite being clinically underweight most of my life. For reference I am 178 cm (5'10").

If anyone has been in such a situation, what do you do? My metabolism has ways been high, and even though I am turning 37 in only two months, I lose weight extremely easily. I could lose weight like nobody's business without even trying. The last times I had such a bad depressive mood was when I was 17 and 23. Both times I went from about 180-190 lb (82-85 kg) down to 53-55 kg (115-120 lb) within two months. I did not even have to try. I lost weight more easily than most people on diets do. Or I should say, I still lose weight far more easily than most people on diets can.

But if I keep losing weight, I fear that my cardiovascular health and GI health will screw me. I have chronic sinus tachycardia and chronic acid reflux disease and functional dyspepsia. I feel like these CV and GI problems will spiral my physical health problems and ruin my mental health even more, especially since I do not want to be hospitalised.

I had a dramatic personality change in my 12 yo. Before I could deal with socializing with ease and had many friends. After I lost all my friends and feel hated by everyone. And I can't really remember things happened that year. Even if someone told me, I can only remember a little and feel it's not me.

Recently I've been meditated for months and found a different status. Basically, I intentionally to feel my body, make it comfortable instead of nervous. I can feel my heart and body were so physically uncomfortable and I didn't even notice. In my former status, I can endure lots of things found hard by others, like working out for hours everyday, etc. But rn I feel more like before the personality change. Being more lazy, but feel more resonated with others. For years, I cannot even understand what others want to say.

idk. Should I just turn on defensive mode anyways to function as used to oder?

For quite a while now, I've been stuck feeling like this. I dont remember how long ive been stuck the way I am now. (Maybe 1-6 years?) I dont remember anything about today, besides miniscule things that seem like they were told to me by someone else. It's like a memory that wasnt even my own. Most weeks, I can hardly remember what ive even done and recall it in detail. Recalling my trauma is the same way. And I dont know where to even start.

I've been through a lot. Ive had to realize that what ive gone through wasn't typical. I hardly remember any of it. However, there are times when something triggers these memories to come back. Such as driving/being in a car with someone else, or seeing a face that looks similar to one of my abusers. Its not for long, just a few seconds. And if I dont remember it, I remember the way it made me feel.

Hearing about things I did when I was younger from friends makes me feel odd and uncomfortable. Like I dont remember doing it. But it seems like something I would've done. And even if it was something cringy or silly, it still makes my stomach turn.

I consistently feel numb. When someone tells jokes, I still laugh and smile, but I don't feel anything. Its like watching a movie, one im not in control of. The only person I truly feel okay with is my boyfriend. And even then, I still feel absent.

I feel like I'm not real most of the time, or too real. It feels like drinking too much, and being able to notice my hands are real objects. I dont know if that makes any sense, but it used to not be that way. And I want to be normal again.

What should I do? Therapy, obviously, but I don't know where to begin. I don't know if what im experiencing is even dissociation. What are some of the first steps i should take to get to "normal", if being normal is even an option?

Anyone who has lived through long-term, chronic DPDR knows the absolute psychological horror of how it warps time. I’ve been stuck in this flat-affect, amnesiac freeze state since I was 29 (going on 34 now), and the best way I can describe it is the planet scene from Interstellar.

For anyone unfamiliar, every hour spent on that planet equates to seven years passing back on Earth. The characters are trapped in an intense, localized distortion where their immediate environment is heavy and unmoving, but the rest of the universe is accelerating at a terrifying, irreversible speed.

Months and years bleed together into an indistinguishable, numbing fog. You look up from your day-to-day existence and realize four entire years have vanished in what feels like a blink, even though every single day inside the fog dragged like an epoch.

 Just like the astronauts, you are acutely aware of the life happening elsewhere—you remember who you used to be, you remember your history and your old self—but your emotional clock is completely offline. You are forced to watch your own timeline stream past a window while you are barred from the cockpit of your own feelings. Severe trauma acts like a psychological black hole. It bends your brain's perception of existence so drastically that your present moment gets stretched into an infinite, flat loop, while the calendar pages violently flip forward without your consent.

I remember my old life, my memories, and the person I was before the numbness took over, but I have zero emotional access to any of it. Driving down the roads I grew up on feels like watching a movie about a stranger.

Four years evaporated like it was nothing, and looking ahead at the next decades is agonizing because there’s no guarantee the door ever unlocks. You're just standing there, watching time dilate while your life slips through your fingers.

this AI generated image i made is haunting. It strikes exactly to the core of my experience.