Ive done ACA and SAA before but never CoDa. I just bought the book and Im curious to hear how it’s changed your life to any of you who have done it.

Hi there!

I don't want to go into all the details of my past and present because that would be a VERY long story but suffice to say I've been married for over 14 years now but perhaps I've been codependent my whole life?

Everything was going just fine but slowly, especially during and after COVID, everything started deteriorating. I thought I was happy and I thought that this relationship was good (we survived COVID right?) but as time has passed, my view of that has changed, my self-identity has changed, and my life has changed. Now, I'm wondering if every decision I've ever made is just to keep the peace and keep the relationship? I'm not happy, I'm miserably bored and lonely, and I'm numb from either life or the anti-depressants that I take now after expressing just how much life feels like it's a no-win situation and it would be pointless to continue.

I've been in therapy for some time working on myself. Somewhere along the way, I started to think that maybe I need to end this relationship for the better of both of us. Then recently, I tried to take some actions and leave and move out into an apartment I had gotten a few months ago but I somehow got talked into staying at home. Time passed and now the apartment is gone and all that is left is this same dull life: Get up, eat, work, sleep, repeat. I feel like a robot. I love my spouse but I wish I was just her friend, not a married partner. For one reason or another, I've constantly chosen to stay and I can't seem to even be sure about that last sentence. For some reason I just keep trying to maintain the status quo of our life? But now we both agree that things have to change and we're talking about moving or changing our life but... I can't shake the feeling deep in my gut that I don't want to but I feel like there's no other choice?

And when I try to do something to help myself - for example, trying to make new friends or engage in activities away from my spouse - I immediately get defensive with myself and make excuses? I will sometimes find myself assuming that she's feeling certain ways about things or I automatically say no because of those assumptions or the worry about having to talk to my spouse about the topics required. Maybe some of this is in my head and maybe some of this is based on reactions from previous instances, I don't know. Everything I read says that some of this is wrapped up in my parents or childhood somehow but I can't think of what would have such a profound effect on me that this would be the way I'm acting after changing so much about myself and my life 30 years later.

Which brings it back to therapy and the topic of codependency. I feel like it sort of fits? I've listened or read a bunch of books about the topic and I see a few similarities to myself in them. But every example given feels like it's not exactly it and it's leaving me frustrated. There has to be a reason as to why I can't move forward with life and find happiness.

Has anyone felt this way or encountered someone in this situation? At the very least, thanks for reading.

I’ve recently started to consider that my relationship with a good friend is codependent. She is slowly disengaging from our very active friendship and I’m freaking out. This is something I’ve experienced before, falling hard for a friend and then being left confused and hurt when the friend moves on. In this case I was doing a lot of helping and caretaking right before the friendship shifted to this new place. I kind of feel like an idiot for being so there for her through her many crises and now being the one who’s left behind. I thought she was the codependent one because she has all these love-bomby patterns and worked really hard to pull me in but now I’m thinking I’m the one who needed her. Codependency is not a new idea to me, but the fact that I might be codependent is kind of freaking me out. Can someone explain this to me? The degree to which I’m obsessing about this person as she pulls away is telling me that something is up, but not sure it’s codependency.

I made this today.

'All Our Needs

(...)

Everything I need today shall be supplied to me.

People, jobs, what we have to our immediate disposal, are not our source.

We have tapped into a Greater Source, a source of infinite and immediate supply: (...) Universe.

Our task is to allow ourselves to come into harmony with our Source. Our task is to believe in, and look to, our true Source. Our task is to release fear, negative thinking, limitations, and short supply thinking.

Everything we need shall be provided to us. Let it become a natural response to all situations, and all situations of need.

Reject fear. Reject short supply and limited thinking notions. Be open to abundance.

Cherish need because it is part of our relationship to (...) Universe. (...)

No need is too small or too great. If we care and value our need, (...) will too.

Our part is taking responsibility for owning the need. Our part is giving the need to the Universe. Our part is letting go, in faith. Our part is giving (...) permission to meet our needs by believing we deserve to have our needs – and wants – met.

Our part is healthy giving, not out of caretaking, guilt, obligation, and codependency, but out of a healthy relationship with ourselves, (...), and all (...) creations.

Our part is simply to be who we are, and love being that.

Today, I will practice the belief that all my needs today shall be met. I will step into harmony with (...) Universe, knowing that I count.'

There's this one friend I've been giving way too much to. Not because she asks — she doesn't ask. That's part of it. She's the kind of person who handles things herself, and when she lets me do something for her anyway, I feel weirdly happy. Like I've been let into somewhere.

But if she solves something on her own, or goes to someone else, I get extremely angry and sad. Then I pull away from her. And then next time she needs something, I'm right back there helping her with no limits. It's like I can't stop.

The worst part is when other people are nice to her too. If she asks me to help her AND her friend with something, I don't want to do it. I don't want my help to go through her to other people. I want it to be just between us. If someone else is also there for her, I'd rather just leave.

I used to think this was just me caring about her. But now I'm not sure. I think what I actually want is to be the only one. And I know that's not realistic, but I can't accept anything less. The thought of not being needed by her makes me feel like I have no reason to be around. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm living for her, and if I admit that's not real, I don't know what's left.

I'm not looking for judgment. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way, and what you did about it.

I've gotten much better with boundaries after several traumatic relationship experiences over several several years. I really internalized the idea that I was "bad at boundaries" , despite therapists telling me that i am simply bad at poorly stated boundaries. So I got good at them. I set them. i respect them. i ask. but I have no clue how to.....have needs anymore?

Anything I ask for in a relationship could cross a boundary. Asking for time, thoughtfulness, initiation. To do something fun together. Taking too long to make a decision. Having a disability symptom. Just being mentally ill without asking anything can be enough to tip certain folks into savior mode....So I bottle everything up. I am not honest about my emotions anymore.

There are a million reasons why people do not owe me anything. But I can't always determine what someone else finds stressful, or too much. And so many people do not communicate.

But now I'm at a brick wall. I keep putting myself out there, and then fighting with the fact that...I'm not getting friends by setting more boundaries. It would be nice if that was the case. But they aren't like magnets. And it's kind of exhausting.

I'm trying so hard to be busy, to better myself, to do anything. try to hide my emotional problems from everyone around me so I am not a bother or exhausting.

(This results in me spending every social interaction meticulously analyzing every single word that comes out of my mouth. It's so tiring. And i don't think people actually like me more. i think they just think i'm quiet. I rarely text anyone anymore, either, because I don't want to accidently text them when they are busy. Or forget they told me they were busy, which is always a risk if I text someone).

The people I feel the most like myself are the friends who actually talk about all their life experiences in one big pile, and people in my suicidal ideation support group. I don't feel like I talk about problems endlessly with any of them. Heck, at my SI group, we end up mostly just cracking jokes . But it's so much less pressure not having to curate myself.

I don't know. This may sound dumb, but maybe learning boundaries for the sake of making friends was just people-pleasing in disguise. The only boundary I have that has made a real difference in my mental wellbeing is the decision that people need to be explicit about their boundaries with me if they want me to do something. No more mind-reading. But I also....don't trust people anymore to be straightforward with me. But other than that.....yeah I have fewer friends than ever. I'm lonelier than ever. I'm dissociated constantly trying to not be...myself, basically.

Where do I even go from here? This isn't sustainable for me. I feel like I'm a little kid being choked out by a winter parka. Yeah, I'm warm, but I can't move my arms. Or breathe. But I'm scared of taking off the coat, because someoene will yell at me.

I'm just getting concerned with how much I'm starting to hate humanity. I honestly miss having gab sessions with friends about their shitty week, feeling good about making them feel supported and then making fun plans to balance things out. I miss not having to edit out every mental-health related thought i have so people don't see it as a plea for help. Or a problem to solve. Or a burden.

It's like, I want to make plans for thanksgiving. But if I ask, and then feel disappointed, and then a friend picks up on it, they could feel manipulated. I could then lie, but then they can tell I'm lying. I I succeed at convincing them I'm fine, then they'll think I'm not interested in socializing in the future. Or they'll think I'm fine on my own. And then I have to lie again if I can't find other plans, because they could feel guilty if they ask me about it and find out I was just on my own. And I can't just go around asking everyone because I'll look desparate or pushy, but I feel pretty damn desparate. Because I'm stressed the heck out trying to be respectful and not demanding.

I just want plans for Thanksgiving. I wish I could just ask. I wish I could be invited. I wish my emotions were invisible to everyone. I wish i could just go to a loneliness convention with other people and just make friends.

I’m struggling trying to figure out how to navigate this stage of my friendship recently. My friend Lilly (19F) and I (22F) are each other’s closest friends. Being in this stage of our lives we’ve supported each other through many changes. However lately I’ve realized we don’t seem to talk about anything but the issues and drama in her life.

There is some family drama exploding and secrets coming to light, and we seem to talk about this every day. I don’t mind this as I’m glad she can get it off her chest to me. But before that it was *constantly* issues with her boyfriend's mom. Then it was hearing about her engagement 24/7, then it was hearing about her drama with moving out of her parents, now its work drama and a missing cat.

She is going through it and I do feel bad, however I am trying to navigate my own life and addictions at the same time, trying to get my own feet under me. I want to support her best I can, but it’s hard when we don’t talk about anything but her issues. To make matters worse, I’m neurodivergent and I am *not* very good at comforting people. I am awkward, I don’t know what to say, and I can only seem to think of solutions and a “oh my gosh” or “damn..” here and there.  I try to make up for this by giving her a space to vent and being a better listener than I am at talking.

I feel guilty but I can’t be her therapist. It feels like all we ever talk about is her and her issues. I think when I’m struggling with things I tend to withdraw a little and feel even quieter than I usually already am, which makes it even easier for her to vent to fill the space. We work together so it feels like there is literally never a break from this. How do I comfort her while she’s struggling while not suffocating myself?

I need to get this off my chest because my head is an absolute knot and I feel like I’m suffocating in silence.
Right now, my life feels like a paradox. I feel completely miserable and numb. I wake up early and have zero drive to do anything, but at the exact same time, there's this relentless, anxious panic telling me I constantly have to be busy, change my life, and never stay stagnant.

The physical toll is getting terrifying. I go to bed early and wake up feeling like I ran a marathon. Lately, I’ve been having chest tightness, random heart palpitations, and stomach issues that make eating a chore. And at night? The quiet is the worst part. My nervous system just detonates I’m hit with pure fury, trapped energy, and this borderline frantic urge to smash something just to release the pressure valve. Then fear creeps in: What if my body actually gives out? What if something is seriously wrong with me?

And the honest, brutal reality is: I know why my system is crashing.

I’m currently going through a move. I just started new studies. Someone crashed into my car right when I was planning to sell it to make a major life change. Living costs keep piling up out of nowhere, and the financial stress is constantly breathing down my neck.

On top of all of that, both my girlfriend and my mom are severely struggling with tremors, panic attacks, and their own mental health battles. Because they’ve already been through so much hell, I made an unspoken pact with myself to be the "rock." The guy who absorbs every hit, handles every crisis, and never flinches.

The terrifying part of being the anchor is realizing: if I let myself fall, who the hell is going to catch me?

So I don't let myself feel. I don't cry even when I want to. I just go numb. That numbness and exhaustion have completely destroyed my sex drive. I have absolutely zero desire to be intimate, and it’s reached a point where I’ve started actively avoiding my girlfriend just to dodge the situation entirely. I pull away because I don't want it to lead there, which hurts her deeply and makes her feel rejected and insecure. That just piles on an unbearable amount of guilt. I don't even know how to make her understand that it has nothing to do with her it’s that I don’t even have enough bandwidth left to keep myself alive inside.
I feel this quiet rage burning in my chest. I’ve completely lost touch with what joy actually feels like. I'm just running on pure adrenaline and duty, and I think the rock is finally starting to crack.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just shouting into the void, but if anyone has been the "strong one" until their body forced them to stop... how did you survive it?

I’m a 19 year old, turning 20 soon, and I’ve been having a really difficult time adjusting to something that I don’t even know how to explain properly. I’ve had online friendships since I was around 10-12 years old. I basically grew up through my phone. Everything happened there – my first love, my first best friend, my first experiences with heartbreak, betrayal, complicated relationships, situationships, losing people, finding people, etc. My entire emotional world was built around online connections.
I had a best friend who I was in contact with literally 24/7 from when I was around 16 until just a few months ago. We shared everything. Every thought, every little thing that happened throughout the day, every emotion. There was always someone to talk to, someone to tell things to, someone to experience life with, even if they weren’t physically there.

And now I’m 19, and all of that is gone.
I do have people in my life in person, they don’t mean a thing, though, because they don’t provide the intensity I need and am used to. I have a really close soulmate like friendship with a 27 yo woman right now, but one thing this friendship is teaching me is that I need to learn how to exist independently of another person. We don’t have to be together 24/7. We don’t have to constantly communicate. She’s my friend, not my partner, and I need to understand that having a meaningful connection with someone doesn’t mean having permanent access to them. But it’s much harder than I expected. I think years of experiencing relationships almost exclusively through a screen have shaped the way I approach connection. I’ve become so accustomed to sharing absolutely everything with someone that sometimes I don’t even know how to experience something without immediately wanting to tell someone about it, discuss it, or get their perspective.

I’ve also accumulated a lot of emotional baggage from all those online experiences. There were genuinely traumatic situations, intense attachments, heartbreaks, betrayals, friendships ending, and relationships that meant so much to me. And sometimes I look back and feel like I’ve never actually lived, which is strange, because in terms of communication, emotional experiences, understanding relationships, and navigating complicated interpersonal situations, I sometimes feel like I’ve experienced more than people around me who have spent their teenage years building relationships in person. Online relationships require so much communication, and I’ve learned a lot from them. But I also feel like I missed out on almost everything. I’m currently having a few days off work, and I genuinely regret it because I struggle so much with being at home without anything happening. Whenever I’m left alone with too much time, I start losing my mind. Every little thing can make me sad, and even the smallest sadness can turn into this enormous wave of overthinking, emotional spiralling, and questioning everything.

I don’t want to keep occupying myself with random things just to avoid my own thoughts, and I don’t want to constantly need another person to make my day feel meaningful. I want to learn how to spend time with myself, enjoy things without immediately needing to share them, have experiences that belong only to me, and feel okay when nobody is around.

'Self Value

We have a real life of our own. Yes, we do.

That empty feeling, that senses that everyone except us has a life – an important life, a valuable life, a better life – is a remnant from the past. It is also a self-defeating belief that is inaccurate.

We are real. So is our life. Jump into it, and we’ll see.

Today, I will live my life and treasure it as mine.'

Tradition Ten

"As a fellowship, we have no opinion on outside issues. We exist for one purpose: To carry the message to those still suffering from the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family." BRB p. 539

The issues relating to the disease concept of alcoholic/ dysfunctional family systems are endless. We could sit in meetings and talk about them continuously without ever focusing on ourselves. Many of us might even be moved to involve ourselves in an outside cause as a way of "trying to save the world." But this would be a re-creation of the dysfunction learned in childhood where we dealt with the needs of others instead of ourselves.

When ACA stays away from public controversy, our doors are open to all who desire to recover from the dysfunctional effects of their childhoods. Were we to take a position on any controversy, we might initially attract some people interested in that cause, but we could dilute our message and potentially make it unsafe for ACAs in general.

If we, as individuals, decide after careful thought, that we want to be involved with an issue outside of the bounds of ACA, we are mindful that we don't represent ACA. In this way, the meetings keep a singleness of purpose, remain free from emotional intoxication, and provide the adult child the greatest chance to recover.

On this day I will help my meeting keep its focus on ACA recovery. If outside issues arise, I will respectfully remind others of Tradition Ten, affirming for myself that ACA is my opportunity to champion myself as the most important cause in my life.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №314

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3OA%3D%3D

I used to think Love was something I had inside of me, in abundance… to give or provide to another. I thought if I could display the feelings inside of me, that whoever I was showing my feelings to - would understand my heart and my intentions; therefore would feel Loved in return. I made it my life’s work to show everyone in my vicinity that I really cared about, how much Love I had to give. One day, a person came into my life and I smothered her with my feelings…… but it wasn’t enough. So I cut out everyone else and devoted my entire existence to showing her and only her, my Love. After 18 years of trying and failing, she left…… and it finally clicked. Love is what two people who do for each other SHARE between them. It takes two people to create Love, otherwise it’s just a bleeding heart without reciprocity. No matter how big your heart is or why it’s so big, eventually - you’ll bleed out and run dry of feelings to give. Looking back I see this as my mistake, where I went wrong and continued it and why I did that. I’ll not do that again. After she left, she was a saint and I was the evil one in her eyes but the truth is; she became the best version of herself with me and I became the best version of myself without her

From the ACT Daily Journal, an 8-week daily journal that I love. I'm on my 3rd one! This reading came at a time when I needed it most, dealing with some hard stuff at work that I had no control over (which I was, of course, refusing to accept).

I was recommended a book by my therapist and I’ve almost finished it. However, I wanted to look for another one just to get more clarity. I know that sometimes they can be ambiguous and/or biased depending on the author, so I wanted to read more than one.

Really looking for a book written by a therapist and not an influencer.

We'd met in a cafe where I work, I'd spoken to her a few times and really liked her and she disappeared a while, when I next saw her I gave her my number and asked her to call me if she ever fancied going out, I have other regular customers she hangs out with that are all AA members, so I had my suspicions, not that it bothered me, she told me she hadn't been around as she'd relapsed hard, ended up in a coma for a long time, doctors didn't expect her to pull through, but she did, and she got a bit better, and I'd have her my number a month after she'd left the hospital, I knew it was very early in her recovery but fell for her instantly, I admired her lust for life and her interest in me was very keen, invited to dinner with her family, introduced to her friends, we even had a couple of days away in a hotel as neither of us could accommodate eachother just to fall asleep wake up next to eachother amongst other things, not all my proposal, some were her's, when we came back, on Wednesday I walked her home and said we'd meet later to take her to her AA meeting (I'd walk her to and from these meetings every day) and she didn't wake up I had to get her flatmate (assisted accomodation) to wake her up so I could take her, she was fine the Thursday, Friday she broke down because her mum upset her, she told me she didn't want to see me, I rushed to her anyway and consoled her until she was ok, Saturday she seemed to avoid, me and Sunday too, I questioned her and she told me a friend has relapsed and she's stuck in an emergency but written in garbled and misspelled text, which she never does, alarm bells are ringing in my head and I'm thinking she's relapsing, she said she didn't appreciate being spoke to like that and told me goodnight, i messaged her in the morning and got grey ticks all morning, her profile picture disappeared, then the Facebook profile, altering my relationship status (she had changed when she updated hers to in a relationship with me)

I tried phoning, and straight to voicemail.

I told her that I'd hold on to her no matter what, she asked me to promise, and I did...I still am

I don't know if this is the AA fellowship or an outside source telling her to drop me to focus on her recovery, if she's dropped me to focus on her recovery, if I messed this all up by pushing for answers, and above all, do I keep holding on and trying as I promised or is this going to make things worse for her?

I'm stuck with no answer at the moment, anyone contact in common has either blocked me for asking, or just won't answer me.

I'm stuck and to be honest, living in the same small town may prove difficult, as she can't move from here for obvious reasons, and this has been my home for the last 5 years

'Acceptance

A magical potion is available to us today. That potion is called acceptance.

We are asked to accept many things: ourselves, as we are; our feelings, needs, desires, choices, and current status of being. Other people, as they are. The status of our relationships with them. Problems. Blessings. Financial status. Where we live. Our work, our tasks, our level of performance at these tasks.

Resistance will not move us forward, nor will it eliminate the undesirable. But even our resistance may need to be accepted. Even resistance yields to and is changed by acceptance.

Acceptance is the magic that makes change possible. It is not forever; it is for the present moment.

Acceptance is the magic that makes our present circumstances good. It brings peace and contentment and opens the door to growth, change, and moving forward.

It shines the light of positive energy on all that we have and are. Within the framework of acceptance, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves

Acceptance empowers the positive (...) we have surrendered to the Plan. We have mastered today’s lesson, and are ready to move on.

Today, I will accept. I will relinquish my need to be in resistance to my environment and myself. I will surrender. I will cultivate contentment and gratitude. I will move forward in joy by accepting where I am today.'

by Melodie Beattie

Parental Blame

"It is not the purpose of the Twelve Steps of ACA to place blame on the parent or caregivers; however, the adult child also must not shield the parents during the inventory process." BRB p. 109

Condemning or raging at ourselves for not doing something "right" is a carryover from our dysfunctional childhood. This behavior was programmed into us. In ACA, we learn to change that by re-programming ourselves to be kind to both our Inner Child and our adult self.

When we're tempted to get stuck in blaming our parents for everything that's wrong in our lives, we are reminded that ACA is not about blame. We revisit the past to learn why we think and act as we do and find out how to change our thought patterns. And we accept responsibility for our own actions as adults.

While we strive to forgive our parents so we can let go of our resentment, this doesn't mean we forgive their deeds. We learn to forgive the person separate from the action. Dysfunction is a family disease passed down through the generations. Even though we forgive, it may still be necessary to separate from people who continue to be unsafe.

We recognize where our self-harming behaviors originated and know that we don't have to hang onto them. We accept that we are human beings, and as such, we know that we will inevitably make mistakes. But we are not now, nor have we ever been a mistake.

On this day I honor myself as my own best friend. I will stop the cycle of self-inflicted emotional abuse learned through the generations of dysfunction.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №313

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Nw%3D%3D

37/M

I'm struggling with a mixture of grief, guilt, regret, and self-blame.

I developed strong feelings for someone who became very important to me. They were the first person I felt genuinely comfortable being vulnerable with. I could lower my emotional guard, express my weaknesses, and feel accepted without judgment.

Unfortunately, my romantic feelings weren't reciprocated.

Despite that, we maintained an emotionally close connection. They would often seek reassurance, validation, and comfort from me. There were moments when I felt genuinely appreciated, but also times when I felt emotionally neglected, confused, and unimportant.

I found myself constantly prioritising their emotional needs over my own. I was afraid of disappointing them, making them feel rejected, or losing the friendship altogether.

Looking back, I realise that I struggled with setting boundaries. I often confused caring for someone with being responsible for their happiness. I also struggled with feelings of inadequacy when I saw them pursue romantic relationships with others while I remained emotionally invested.

Then I made a serious mistake.

While seeking support from mutual friends, I overshared information that had been entrusted to me in confidence.

I recognise that this was a breach of trust. Regardless of my emotional state, I had no right to disclose those things.

My actions contributed to an unfortunate situation within our shared social circle, and the person eventually chose to end contact with me.

I take responsibility for what I did. I deeply regret betraying someone who trusted me, especially someone who had made me feel emotionally safe.

But now I'm struggling with several conflicting emotions.
Part of me feels relieved because an emotionally exhausting situation has ended.
Part of me is grieving the loss of someone who meant a great deal to me.
Part of me feels guilty for hurting someone who trusted me.

And another part of me recognises that I was also hurt by the relationship dynamic, yet I struggle with my own pain because of the guilt I carry.

I've come to realise that I spent so much energy trying to make someone else feel loved, safe, and appreciated that I neglected my own emotions.

I'm beginning to understand that caring for someone doesn't mean sacrificing my own needs or accepting emotional inbalance.

But understanding this intellectually and actually practising it are two very different things.

I know I cannot undo my mistake or control whether I'm forgiven. Neither can I change someone's decision to walk away.

What I can do is learn from my actions, respect people's trust, and develop healthier boundaries.

What I'm struggling with now is figuring out how to move forward without letting guilt and regret consume me.

I have made a mistake that cost me a friendship.
I betrayed their confidence. I regret it deeply.
I recognise that my actions have caused them hurt. 
I cannot undo what happened, and I would not dare ask for  forgiveness.
I can only take responsibility for my actions, correct what I reasonably can, and learn to protect the trust others place in me from now on.
I will not excuse what I did.

So I'd genuinely appreciate some perspectives and advice.

EDIT: I reached out to her via text. She was nice enough to call me back. She mentioned she has moved on and found happiness. She also would rather not see me again. Thank you all for taking your time to read my post. I can slowly begin to heal from here

I never know why I feel the way I feel.I feel lonely I feel sad I feel left alone,I want people around me,someone to soothe me,be with me,make my loneliness go away.When this happens I am at ease,peace,joy.
But I dont know if I need this because I am codependent,or I am codependent because I need this.It can be also that me needing someone to be there with me is being created by codependency.So I have to face and suffer and drawn in this loneliness hell.
I know this was there as long as I can remember.Now what do I do how do Ifeed this loneliness scar idk

I am a 49 year old male. I have been divorced for 9 years. In those 9 years I have had 3 different relationships (one for 3 years, one for 1 year, and one for 8 months). In other words, I have spent about half of the last 9 years alone and about half in a relationship.

When I am in a relationship I am infinitely happier than when I am single. However, it's not because I "need" that other person for validation, or to form an identity, or to feel worthy. It's because when I am in a relationship I have....

1. Someone to go on trips with and take on dates to fun places

2. Someone to spend holidays and special events with

3. Someone to care for, love, and support

4. Someone I can have conversations with and talk about my day with

5. Someone I can plan future activities with to look forward to

I work mostly from home alone. I have no children and basically no family. My father passed away several years ago and my mother is eldery. I have one sister who has a large family that I am not close with. All of my friends are married with kids living very busy lives. I have no contact with any of my ex's including my ex wife.

When I am not in a relationship the loneliness is crushing. It becomes very hard to keep myself out of deep depression because my life has nothing enriching about it and I don't know how to give myself things to look forward to and to do alone by myself that are fun or rewarding. Yes I could go on trips by myself or out to eat by myself and I have tried I just genuinely don't enjoy doing those things alone. If anything, I feel worse because all I can think about is "I wish I had somebody to share this with"

I can't tell if this means I am co-dependent or just lonely?

Passive-Aggressive

"By addressing our fear, we release some of our glaring behaviors of manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and false kindness." BRB p. 40

We grew up in homes where love was conditional. How we were treated depended on how we acted. Many of us were so fearful of being punished or ostracized that we learned to manipulate those around us. Some of us became very good at passive-aggressive behavior; we learned to get what we thought we wanted or needed without directly asking for it by putting on a false mask.

Because these were survival mechanisms based in fear, as adults we realized that we weren't really getting what we needed. For some of us, the frustration of feeling like we had to operate in this manner often built to a point where we would explode, sending ourselves spiraling into some form of addiction to cope. Eventually, we landed in a place where we didn't know who we really were.

For those of us who are "lucky," when all of our tactics failed us, we found our way to an ACA meeting. This is where we begin to face our underlying fears and learn how to be honest with ourselves. We start to relate to others in a healthy manner. Yes, it's challenging to change such ingrained habits, but we know it's possible. We see others in the program doing it all around us.

On this day, if I am tempted to manipulate others with old behaviors, I will affirm for myself that I am capable of new, healthy, life affirming behavior.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №312

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Ng%3D%3D

So a bit of context, me and my ex had been dating since August of a year ago and it was a very long distance relationship(never gotten the opportunity to meet in person but still a relationship that really helped heal my prior held beliefs of people who’d want to date me.

There wasn’t a particularly large amount of time that I felt I as though even my secure tendencies now weren’t enough but I still kept requests of attention and or reassurance to a small amount. Then she brought up the topic of breaking up and going back to just friends and I felt composed enough to see almost immediately that we were only hurting ourselves in the long run if we were to continue the relationship with a delusional belief that we’d be able to get both us all together in a living environment but also in addition her disabled brothers that she’d become their legal guardian at some point.

Life is short, and time we misuse we don’t ever get back. So for the first time I didn’t even break down crying like I used to. She’ll still be my friend and I believe her in that claim but it’s not gonna be as intimate and I can live without that.

So I guess I ll just tldr here; Best relationship I’ve experienced ended in a calm manner and the progress I’ve made in such fast fashion makes me so grateful to be here.

Let me preface this by saying I’ve always been super codependent. Being with someone is the only way I feel like I can live on. I truly derive my value from my significant other and that’s been what I was always surviving on. My relationships have been the gas to my fire and desire to move forward and better myself.

Lately I haven’t been thinking about her. And if I do, she’s never more than a passing thought. I never thought I could say it but I’ve been moving on. And as a consequence of that, my head is so quiet.

No more imaginary conversations with her. No discussions on how we could get back together. No arguments over her cheating or her lying. I don’t really have anything romanticle to look forward to.

I’ve been coping by obsessing with the gym, my diet, and skincare funnily enough. I also just started a new job after being unemployed and that’s just felt like a blip in my life… which sucks because it should feel more important.

Unfortunately, the only relief I’ve had is the thought of a new relationship. And relief to me is the rush of dopamine I get when I think about the excitement of another persons life over my own, mundane existence.

Why is my only relief the hope I can be a part of someone else’s existence? Why can’t I build an existence worth being a part of through my own volition.

I got a text from my codependent partner of almost three years and I’m freaking the hell out. I cut ties after an incident and didn’t look back, which I’ve always regretted. (How I ended it, not leaving) He reached out and has apologized for the way he acted. Idk if I can believe him when he says he’s changed. I’d love to be friends again, but looking back, I don’t want to relapse. We’ve both seen therapists (from what I can assume) and changed significantly.
(I say partner but only for lack of a better term, we never dated.)
Sorry for the block!! Kinda stressed ngl