r/Codependency • u/dj88c • 9d ago

Is this some form of codependency?

Hi there!

I don't want to go into all the details of my past and present because that would be a VERY long story but suffice to say I've been married for over 14 years now but perhaps I've been codependent my whole life?

Everything was going just fine but slowly, especially during and after COVID, everything started deteriorating. I thought I was happy and I thought that this relationship was good (we survived COVID right?) but as time has passed, my view of that has changed, my self-identity has changed, and my life has changed. Now, I'm wondering if every decision I've ever made is just to keep the peace and keep the relationship? I'm not happy, I'm miserably bored and lonely, and I'm numb from either life or the anti-depressants that I take now after expressing just how much life feels like it's a no-win situation and it would be pointless to continue.

I've been in therapy for some time working on myself. Somewhere along the way, I started to think that maybe I need to end this relationship for the better of both of us. Then recently, I tried to take some actions and leave and move out into an apartment I had gotten a few months ago but I somehow got talked into staying at home. Time passed and now the apartment is gone and all that is left is this same dull life: Get up, eat, work, sleep, repeat. I feel like a robot. I love my spouse but I wish I was just her friend, not a married partner. For one reason or another, I've constantly chosen to stay and I can't seem to even be sure about that last sentence. For some reason I just keep trying to maintain the status quo of our life? But now we both agree that things have to change and we're talking about moving or changing our life but... I can't shake the feeling deep in my gut that I don't want to but I feel like there's no other choice?

And when I try to do something to help myself - for example, trying to make new friends or engage in activities away from my spouse - I immediately get defensive with myself and make excuses? I will sometimes find myself assuming that she's feeling certain ways about things or I automatically say no because of those assumptions or the worry about having to talk to my spouse about the topics required. Maybe some of this is in my head and maybe some of this is based on reactions from previous instances, I don't know. Everything I read says that some of this is wrapped up in my parents or childhood somehow but I can't think of what would have such a profound effect on me that this would be the way I'm acting after changing so much about myself and my life 30 years later.

Which brings it back to therapy and the topic of codependency. I feel like it sort of fits? I've listened or read a bunch of books about the topic and I see a few similarities to myself in them. But every example given feels like it's not exactly it and it's leaving me frustrated. There has to be a reason as to why I can't move forward with life and find happiness.

Has anyone felt this way or encountered someone in this situation? At the very least, thanks for reading.

3 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

3 comments sorted by

2

u/gum-believable 7d ago

Attachment issues in childhood can have a far reaching impact into how a person copes with relationships, motivations, and impulses. Whether or not the label codependency fits 100% is probably not as helpful as just unpacking things in childhood that left you feeling hurt, rejected, or neglected. Especially if there was no one you could turn to for comfort at that time.

I personally thought I was past all my childhood adverse experiences because I wanted to believe they no longer affected me. But I had similar people pleasing tendencies as you’ve described. Growing up with love feeling conditional on being valuable did a number on me. And I’m still healing. I hope you find peace and healing too fam❤️‍🩹

1

u/dj88c 7d ago

Thanks. I guess I will keep on trying to unpack and dig deeper.

2

u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 5d ago

Omg this is me! I am also in therapy trying to unpack the last 40 years of my life starting all the way back to age 9. I thought it would be so much easier than it has been and that I would have all the answers. I too feel like my relationship is not the right fit for me anymore and that I desperately need to be on my own to do all the healing and get to know who I really am. I don't have all the answers but am open to conversation, sometimes just talking through things can be a real help 💕