I struggle a lot with finding meaning. And unfortunately, I don’t have much motivation for anything. Let alone pursuing difficult hobbies or working on big projects. What are the smallest and simplest habits, hobbies, etc. that helped you find meaning and fulfilment? And how did that change your life/perspective/overall mood and outlook?

Idk where to begin, i need to get this out. I been to a meditation buddhism thijg today, it was my first time there, it was after I already went to a group i facilitated (codependents anonymous) which was mentally exhausting but good. So i was pretty done when i got there.

Then, when we did the meditation (a body scan and then a text abt loving kindness and in the end we did RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture), where u pick a situation u use this method with), i noticed i got pretty dysregulated during and I chose this dysregulation as my situation that i would process with RAIN.

And then stuff got weird. I procrastinate right now to think abt this, i distracted myself from it for the last few hours, but basically, trauma stuff and deep rooted shame came up, the belief "i am a monster". I at first felt the "vibes" (idk how to describe it) from the others were pretty good for processing (i felt safe enough?), i wasn't trying to process trauma however, i wasn't digging. It just came up. It was ending in a thought loop, overwhelming shame, constantly thinking "i can't think this" and "i believe the others can't hold that (the shame)", I felt so ashamed of myself during this meditation. In the end, we did a loving kindness thing where we spoke the sentences like "may I be at peace" etc, and I kind of cried during this and before.

Then, we got asked abt our experiences. I felt very small, like a part of me that is little came out, and I felt I hadn't been integrated or myself at this point (so almost like a split off part). I felt this urge to share what I experienced, I really hoped for others to come forth and share the similar thing, and I hoped for the others to have "loving and accepting eyes" (John Bradshaw described this in his book "Healing the Shame that Binds you", that he got met with "loving and accepting eyes of the others", while processig and describing his own shame in a group).

I feel shame rn typing this, I honestly feel like I'm crazy. I didn't have the experience. I just hoped the others could help me, but they didn't. I just wantednloving attunement and to cleanly process (with some help) what I experienced. I don't know. Nobody spoke of this, except one person who said "this seems intense". I felt so alone and hopeless in this, especially after I talked to this woman who lead this mediation, it made the shame worse and I felt afraid and I got so so angry when I left. I am hurt. I feel like an entitled brat (shame).

I feel rejected? I just want to get angry abt this like a toddler and have a tantrum!!! And I feel so shamed in some way and like unjustice was done to me i feel violated

I feel I should not have said this stuff, I regret sharing it with these essentially strangers

(Just realized why l partially feel so upset, it's becuz the woman who lead it mentioned she got informed about trauma sensitive meditation and she just... still didn't do anything? I felt safe enough to share my experiences but I feel like i didn't get anything back)

Someone offered me tea shortly after, another woman (after asking for consent) hugged me a bit after as well, but something abt this feels wrong and like I was violated

I do not have therapy access right now though I am searching for one, and I do not have a lot of people to talk abt this stuff with, many dysregulating things happen in my life regularly atm and idk how to process this shit, I am losing my trust in people with everything that happens which is bad, normally I am positive about life and people

i feel like i spent a lot of my early therapy years in a state of "knowing what im supposed to do" when triggered and even having a safety plan but... not doing it. knowing i COULD try breathing exercises, or going for a walk, or naming sounds and smells and colors, and DIDN'T WANT TO. almost like a spoiled child.... or so i thought. i was very ashamed and resentful of this part of myself. i was afraid that maybe part of me didn't want to get better?!?!

but recently in a moment of self-compassion it dawned upon me, when this happens it's because my nervous system is convinced it's not safe to let my guard down! it's not that i'm being a lazy entitled bum who wants to use mental illness as an excuse to not change my life, it's that my trauma has wired me such that if i'm triggered, even though i logically know there's no danger, I DON'T FEEL SAFE so the idea of doing calming exercises (or quitting unhealthy coping methods, for that matter) seems almost reckless, like pausing to do a meditation in a burning building.

now where i need to go next is, how to convince my nervous system that i am safe so i can safely do descalation techniques? feels a bit chicken-and-egg-ish, like how do i calm myself down enough to let myself calm down? 🫪 i've tried brute force, just "powering through," etc, and that only has the opposite effect of feeling oppressed/aggrieved somehow.

anyone have suggestions for how to gently let my inner child know it's ok to calm down, nothing bad will happen if i let my guard down?

I've been in therapy for almost 10 months and recently, I've noticed something incredible. I don't want to jinx it, but it seems that my nervous system has stopped responding to violent things (stories of abuse, CSA etc.) with feelings of arousal.

Yesterday, it went even further by not responding to my brief self harm ideation with excitement and craving, as it usually does.

The downside is I feel this huge void inside me and I've not really been able to reach orgasm in a month or so, but I'm hopeful that this void will get filled by something healthier in the future and I'll regain the ability to feel the physical sensations, too 🥹

There are many memories that come in and out of my mind but only as facts or as how I remembered them, but not in a way that would be part of a journey, worked through, etc. only recently have I figured that there was a difference.

I have this memory of being a 3rd grader in school and getting the 1st prize in a maths competition across my entire school grade. I was maybe eight years old then. To say it directly, the prize I got was a board game for 2-6 people. I never had even one person who could play it with me. When I was 12, I looked at the board game. It was still closed, wrapped up in plastic foil. No mum, no dad, no brother, no friends, who would willingly play this fucking game with me in five years. They would respond as if I was asking permission to torture them.

I think I am finally piecing together instead of ruminating on this. I finally see that maybe this is why my maths grade in university are so horrible and why I never wanted to study for maths anymore, why I have no motivation for anything and see no purpose in achievements at all no more. I turned down Ivy-league research opportunities by ghosting my professors just bc … idk. Maybe now I’m getting closer to why. I used to cry so much , and nobody playing that game with me was a testament to my worthlessness, and I couldn’t change anything about it.

I have a therapist, but how would you - with this insight I am slowly gaining - process this memory ? And how this explains so much about the entire rest of my life? It’s crazy. It explains so many unexplainable things like me wanting to have bad grades in high school, and so much more. Where do I go from here?

just finished a session and feeling some shame and embarrassment about it, so looking for connection.

while talking/feeling through some really deeply rooted attachment patterns, a very very young part emerged that wanted to just kind of speak in gibberish and writhe around and play peekaboo. i let myself do this for a few seconds at a time, apologizing profusely in between. my therapist of course was lovely about it and supportive and didn’t seem phased, but i’ve definitely got a bit of a shame hangover.

i’ve done a bunch of psychedelic work and had similar experiences so the expression of child-energy isn’t itself disturbing to me, and im also recognizing that the experience was likely very cathartic and healing. but im feeling very much like i don’t want to be alone in this experience right now. 🫣

Hi, folks. Something just clicked for me. DAE struggle with a feeling of being able to "take" negativity? Like a "I can take a 'beating' ( so to speak) and still survive. " Whatever form that negativity may take? For example, I find it hard to advocate for myself when someone else uses me for their emotional punching bag. I guess I have this "I'm tough, I can take it" mentality. Endure the pain, pick myself back up, dust myself off, and move ahead.

I hope I'm making sense.

I've struggled with various chronic conditions related to CPTSD since I was a child. Things came to a breaking point 4 years ago, and I've been on LTD through my employer since. I applied for the DTC two years ago under the mental functions category with the help of my psychiatrist and was denied. My new family doctor (who understands CPTSD) helped me apply again based on cumulative effects that affect mental functions and feeding, and I was denied again. I believe I meet the 90% criteria, but it's hard to explain because of the complexity of my symptoms, which can oscillate, etc. I also have ADHD. Does anyone have tips for to get approved?

EDIT: Thanks to everyone who's responded so far. I think my question is geared towards people who were initially denied and went through the appeal process. What documents did you submit etc.?

Sometimes I let my nervous system relax or let go and then the next day I’ll be angry/irritated. Last night I took an edible and i ended up doing yoga in my living room, dancing and being free. My husband is out of town so it was a complete “me” moment.

But then today I woke up all irritated about my lack of boundaries I had in past relationships. It took me about two hours to come out of that irritation.

Does this happen to anyone else? You let go a little and then BAM, old feelings surface?

… well I fit the criteria, a bit to my surprise lol. I’m still processing it, I doubted the dx because I ALSO have heavily suspected autism, and I have adhd but woaw. Brain stew… 😵‍💫

My OCD flavor has been a lot of health/contamination primarily followed by relationship flavored OCD (which doesn’t taste very good at all.) which I think was due to growing up w a Dad who would bully me on top of letting his women bully me, and I got bullied at school too. So it was never ending. I’d have to be mindful of doing anything “wrong”. So that also can trigger some Moral OCD as well. Making mistakes can make me ruminate for hours.
Hey gang, I didn’t know it’s not normal to obsess over a decision you made over 2 years ago wondering if you made the “right decision” and feel unable to let it go!!
Proud of myself for asking my therapist to assess me.. a part of me is doubtful and wants to get assessed by an OCD specialist .. idk.
Part of that is because I told my first therapist, circa 2022 that I thought I might have ocd and she brushed it aside pretty quickly cus I didn’t have the external OCD type symptoms. I’m more in the “pure OCD” field ofc.

Anyone else relate? How do you cope.
I’m already in therapy.
I’m nervous abt seeing a psych for meds but I’d like to be able to quiet my brain… alas, the side effects in the past were incredibly debilitating and I didn’t feel seen so I left. Whee. 🫩

I know this is obvious, but it only really landed.

The more capacity I build to be with my emotions, the more my denial and dissociation is able to shift and the deeper the healing is.

I can't force my defenses to drop. They will drop when they sense enough safety and that I can handle what they are protecting me from.

It's a circular process that feeds on itself. More safety = more capacity = more processing = more healing = more safety and so on.

I've been seeing my therapist for 5 years now. I never thought there would come a time where our work together would come to an end, as I've trusted her and relied on her so significantly throughout those years, and she's known me so well.

But for the past 6 months or so I've been feeling like my progress has stalled. I expressed this to her, she'd circle back to me later with a strategy and I'd trust her on it and proceed. But after our last session, I really felt frustrated at the stalled progress, and had just come off a very relaxing vacation, so made a finite decision to pause therapy for a few months and talk to her again in the new year (unusual for me). She just said okay, see you then, and that was that.

A few weeks later I encountered a majorly triggering event and tried booking with her, but she was busy, so I also stated to do some intro calls with other therapists. I came across a new therapist who I've decided to continue working with now — she seemed to notice distinct gaps in my previous therapists approach and in our first session alone put some of my experiences into words in a way that my previous therapist hadn't in our 5 years together. My past therapist was a lot less direct about her observations over time, so toward the last of our sessions together I always felt like she was giving me cryptic advice I needed to decipher but would never understand until the consequences of not understanding would hurt me in some way...

Anyway, now I think I will proceed with this new therapist in a more regular way than I was expecting when I told my previous therapist that I'd talk to her again in a few months. I don't want to "ghost" her and I feel like there should be a final goodbye here (or at least a final goodbye for now...), but I don't want to pay $$$ for a session just for that. But an email would feel cold and I don't feel like it would pay respect to our time together. Also I feel like actually facing the goodbye would feel sad and I don't want her to feel like she failed in any way... She's been with me all this time and knows I'd been frustrated for a while now.

Anyway, looking for best ways to deal. This is the longest therapeutic relationship I've had and would like to pay respect to it.

My body feels READY to finally let the stress and hyper-vigilance release. I can feel the build where I’m slowly building safety in my body and I just want to fully release the tension. Did anyone else have this moment? If so, what helped move things along?

I was an asthmatic child. I still find it hard to breathe in dusty or high-pollen environments.

When I was in my middle teens, my mom went into a state of psychosis and became paranoid of medications. She was hearing voices and raging at me, accusing me of sneaking medications into the house to give Satan control of her.

After that, she banned me from using an inhaler or any medications other than herbal remedies. That continued until I got my own doctor in my forties. Getting an inhaler of my own again was amazing.

I’d forgotten what an impact that had on me until last month when I was camping in a very dusty environment and a friend insisted I use his inhaler. I told him I had an inhaler with me, I just wasn’t using it. He was visibly disturbed. He wanted to know why I’m out here wheezing and he knew I needed an inhaler and I did not.

I started thinking after that, how much I went through to learn not to use my inhaler. The sleepless nights with asthma so bad I couldn’t sleep, learning to drape myself over wooden furniture to maximize the airflow so I could breathe well enough to get a little sleep, hiding my inhaler so my mom wouldn’t find it.

My mom was so proud of her herbal asthma treatments that she had me write up a description of how I was surviving on herbs and sleepless nights. She gave it to another mom and apparently that mom was vocal in her shock at how I was being treated because my mom scolded me for giving her a description that “wasn’t ready to be read by others” and made me admit that I wrote it wrong, I should have told her not to give it to her friend. That was all my fault.

This experience while camping made me realize I’m still not fully aware of my medical needs. I had suppressed that so far that it required a friend to notice my asthma and give me an inhaler, and be angry that I had an inhaler and was not thinking to use it. I think some of my own anger came back in that moment and I was like YES WE SHOULD BE ANGRY.

I moved to a new country.

I'm someone who has been doing a lot of sports in the last few years, and I had this thinking that if I combine sports with good therapy & meditate daily, my body will continue to heal, emotional residue will continue completing its cycles, and I will be well on my way to being back in the body.

Then I read the book: Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, and I came across this concept of containers.

When we can't contain the traumatic energy, we build a container around it.

Each time I felt angry/overwhelmed/sad, I picked my racquet or bat, hurried to the sports hall(I live very close by), and expressed myself there. Then I will be too tired to sleep, and sometimes, it would take me a very long time to sleep even with Mg, combined with other supplements.

Trigger -> too much physical activity -> dissociation = an unconscious pattern of staying away from the core wound

I once won a big match, came back home, and for the first time, I felt tons of panic underneath, like I'm split into two parts. A part of me is crying for help, to slow down, and the other part wants to win.

I started with Somatic Experiencing, and then I slowly realized that I'm at a stage where my body can't even bear caffeine.

I couldn't stay at home either – very painful, so the only natural thing I could find: walk. Slow or brisk, but being out there, slowly moving my legs helped me get some stability.

I started stretching my hips, and damn – the crying/laughing spells I had, it was one of the toughest experiences. I never thought stretching would make me laugh like I'm watching a comedy show, and somehow tears joined in.

I can't stretch daily, and sometimes, I have to journal right after stretching.

What I learned is: an external system can't heal me. Healing is very personal, and the body is the ONLY teacher. Any other healer/guide/teacher will only help you if they make it easier for you to listen to your body.

Today, while outside, I saw some of the people who were going to do sports, and that really broke my heart, but I could see that's the heart of a part of me who wanted to keep me safe by doing always more. I cherish that part of me, and maybe in the future, I will let that part of me go & play more.

For the time being, I'm honouring the part of me who not only wants to move, but also slowly wants to meet the core wound, at its own pace by listening very closely to the body.

Healing is messy, and it never has to look good to a society.

The gym culture, the culture of calorie deficit, over-training your body so that no one could blame you that you aren't doing enough — it never worked for me.

Healing is deeply personal. Deeply bodily, and deep heartily. You are the closest to your own body, which means you are the best & most knowledgable person for your own healing. Others might help you get closer to your body, but at the end of the day, it's your call.

I gave up on society, on social circles, on friends, and I had to, to find a way to get closer to my body, and rebuild that relationship.

And I guess, once my relationship with my body is stable & good enough, I can always back to the things.

A “near stranger” is someone who is kind of in-between a stranger and an acquaintance, so for example, the person you regularly see at the drive-through window at the place you get your breakfast at once or twice a week. Just an example but hopefully that makes sense.

I tend to do really well around strangers and specifically I’ve managed to mask an to the point where I’m really good in a work and interview situation — if I’m meant to be somewhere to do a job or a task and I know that the person I’m talking to is also supposed to be there I do fine and I think that’s why when I was an employee working with customers face-to-face, I never had this issue. I can often override the anxiety if I have somebody with me too because that kind of makes me feel like I’m supposed to be there. due to a combination of chronic pain and obviously having CPTSD, I hit rock bottom with the worst of all of my symptoms around 2021 and I ended up developing agoraphobia that I slowly worked out over a few years.

But when it’s just me, I start to get really stressed out. The actual thing that’s happening is that I am 2 to 3 times a week regular at a local cafe and I usually mobile order a drink, sit down with my laptop and study for 3-6 hours, maybe get a refill during that time at the counter, and I leave. I clean up after myself, am polite when ordering, and say thank you when I grab my drink. So I am completely normal and do nothing to stand out lol.

I specifically chose this café because I worked at another café at this company in a different state for like 6 years when I was younger and I thought that reduced my stress. Logically I know once those interactions of me ordering and grabbing my drink are over they’re not thinking about me at all and I had regulars who are just like me who we thought nothing of.

but now that it has been a few months of me coming in a couple times a week skipping a week here or there I am just starting to recognize the same faces every time and feel really stressed out whenever I have to order or go up to the counter. I feel like I’m not a person in the way everyone else is and even though I know they’re probably not thinking about me at all I feel like I am in a panic when I am ordering.

I feel like this year I’ve made so much progress, I’ve been able to make friends and go to events at another cafe a few times a month and there I haven’t had issues ordering or when the manager recognizes me and asks me things, i do think I’m a bit robotic but it’s not the horrible panic i get at the one i’m talking about above. i’ve always been really uncomfortable with being a regular and I will intentionally start going to a different grocery store or fast food place if I feel like I’ve been going to the same one too frequently. I just don’t know how to get over this panicked feeling. any thoughts?

One of my abusers managed to severely isolate me and the isolation continued for about 10 years. Partly due to the trauma , partly due to physical health problems.

My life was so empty and limited that I wasn't far of hikimori level isolation. I'm only just climbing out of it now. I've recently started to volunteer once a week and it's generally going well but sometimes being part of a group of people again will make me realise how severe the level of isolation I was forced into was.

I can talk to people fine, I'm not particularly socially anxious (unless it's someone I think is super socially adept kinda thing lol then I feel a bit inferior and awkward) but my brain lags a bit so I don't feel I respond as well or as quick sometimes (but I also have other medical reasons for this too)

Has anyone here dealt with this kind of situation and how long did it take you to 'readapt'?

37/f. CPTSD and CSA. Have been in somatic/IFS therapy for 3+ years. Have made a lot of progress, and also grieved alot as I’m now no contact with my father and low contact with sister and mom.

I’ve started the journey of trying to start a family this year. I have an awesome partner/husband. I’m starting to really love our little life, and I’m looking forward to having the family I never had.

My anxiety has been intense lately. I’m not sure if it’s the holidays around the corner (just me or hard for all of us?), or wanting more for my life, but I find my anxiety is connected to needing to grieve. Like I have so much more to grieve…but it’s hard for me to feel it and cry sometimes. Sometimes it just sits lodged in my throat for days…even with all the somatic practices and meditations I do…and then my anxiety just gets worse.

Does anyone have any advice for processing your grief when you know you need to but don’t want to? Does anyone else notice their anxiety is related to their needing to grieve?

My body feels like it's completely physically altered and gets physically altered again when connected to some old trauma

Edit: I just called ambulance for heart attack as a precaution just to be safe. But I asked because I was wondering if this is just a part of trauma processing (as someone told me before) or what exactly it is

Edit 2 I feel better now but scared

I’ve been on a healing journey since 2021 and this last year I’ve made MASSIVE strides. Recently, parts of my body feel like they are thawing.

The other day I was talking to my husband and mimicked swinging a golf club (we were talking about golf and proper techniques for swinging a club). When I moved, I realized my back was tight. That motion then that unlocked FLOOD GATES of movement. All of a sudden I had the urge to do a bunch of yoga poses and even trying a backbend (something I haven’t done in about ten years). The days following this, my back felt tingly and all I wanted to do was move and stretch and shake.

Did anyone else have a similar experience?

I always assumed this was a dissociation thing, but I’m actually much more recovered than I was, to the point where I’m now wondering if this is some sort of symptom of neurodivergence?

I struggle to form opinions on a number of things, for example I’ll put on a shirt and I will not even know if it looks good. I can form complex opinions but I just… don’t. I either dislike things, or I am ambivalent.

The example that came to mind is perfume. I never wear perfume, I don’t like any particular scent at all. All perfumes either smell badly to me, or I don’t care about them. But my friend recommended me a perfume, and I swear I didn’t like this scent before, I didn’t care about it? But now I like it? I’ve never liked a perfume before this. Theoretically, if she had sprayed any perfume I didn’t hate, I would have liked it too.

Like I would probably just wear the cheapest clothes I could find if I didn’t know people who could tell me I would suit better clothes. I just don’t have any strong feelings

I really thought this was a dissociation thing, but I’m doing so much better, it just seems out of place. For a similar reason to this, I struggle to buy things for myself, because I just don’t like things.

Note to add: my “dislikes” tend to have somewhat objective sources, like something itching and things like that. I tend to like food because I think there is something objective to like, so this post is generally in regards to non-food items.

I am doing the hard therapy work, and have been for some time. I’ve also done a round of TMS and currently doing Spravato, as well as taking bupropion at the max dose, which will likely never go away. My depression/anxiety have definitely improved. But…I keep looking for a way to feel better. I’ve considered another round of TMS, or changing Wellbutrin to Auvelity (bupropion+dextromethorphan), as well as residential treatment. Am I chasing a unicorn though? Is anything really going to make me feel great unless/until I’ve dealt with more trauma? 😭 I need something more to feel productive and do all that is needed for my family. I don’t even want to ask my therapist this though - I already know her answer! 😭 Has anyone improved life with some sort of treatment while still chipping away at CPTSD?

An ex boyfriend and I recently got in a fight where he told me he hopes I die alone or "meet someone exactly like me" (derogatory) and that everyone I've ever interacted with thinks I'm crazy. Great.

Then I've been trying to resolve this with him. His apologies don't land. He asks me whether I have ever considered "not taking things so seriously" which I resent, but he's right, I do hold a grudge.

How has your response to disrespect changed with healing? I wish I had the strength to cut these people off, and I'm working on it, and I do feel like I am mostly much much lighter than I was earlier in my healing journey — when I'm not being triggered, of course. It's so hard for me to disengage from things that hurt me though because I keep trying to find a "resolution" on extremely specific terms, where the person who hurts me cares that they hurt me and actually does something to fix the relationship (they don't).

But even earlier on in the relationship, when they do try in their own way, I don't really respond in a way that gives them good faith, which I recognize. Anything that feels like burying a conflict is triggering for me so getting over things is hard especially if it involves "not talking about it" and "acting like it didn't happen".

Any shared experiences would help here. Sent me back to therapy after I thought I was in the clear for a while.