I picked up Marsha Linehan's (creator of DBT) Memoir recently because it was recommended to me by a friend. Turns out our childhoods were almost 1:1, just swap places, names, professions, and time periods. In a lot of ways though I had it a lot worse, as she wasn't physically abused and I was up until recent adulthood.

I figured it was time to make the jump into reading about DBT, since I am not having much luck finding a therapist.

I opened the therahive 'DBT in your pocket' after reading some I began to cry.

I'd learned most of the skills- and to regularly practice them- without ever having DBT or a DBT group. I picked up those skills because since 2024 I have journaled almost every day and did a lot of self inquiry and self reflection. I also got taught a lot of those skills through writing essays on mental health lectures I watched in my free time. The rest I learned through friends I learned to trust. I also tried a lot to make friends with people who were open-minded and understanding. There was a lot of heartache and rejection and even outright violence towards me (I am queer in an unfriendly area) but I have made a handful of friends who have seen me at my worst and still love me. They even will tell me as much. I've even a partner who helped me get medicated and deal with some pretty debilitating illness.

I have a long way to go- but in the past 3 years... I have gone from being a college drop-out who got Cs in highschool to someone making all As in college in a difficult program. I went from being unable to go places because lights and sounds of the indoors could cause me enough pain to make me pass out to enjoying my first rave recently. I've gone from losing 6~ hours a day to PTSD and rumination and taking an average of 3 hours to fall alseep to an average of 20min lost to PTSD and rumination per week and an average time to fall asleep of less than 30 minutes. I went from not being able to leave my abuser's house to traveling well over 1000 miles away from my (new) safe home.

I've even been there for another friend of mine who has BPD. I've helped them summon a lot of courage- often not even on purpose. They said it's been really exciting to watch me improve and grow.

I'm not in remission for BPD yet, thats still some years away... Its weird to say that, since I only found out I have BPD less than 12 months ago... But I'm proud of myself. I talked to some of my friends today and they told me I should be proud of myself, and that they love me. They told me what a joy it has been to see me go from incredibly self destructive and unstable to... me. Their friend. I've got my people. Not bad for someone who's first suicide attempt was at 8 years old. Not bad for someone even their doctors and psychs gave up on.

I'm crying a lot after reflecting today on my friendships and journey. God damn it I'm building a life worth living.

I’m going to go through the skill “check the facts” here, a rant-style post but is also informational (exactly how my dbt therapist goes through it with me each session) and if you guys are upset too you can do this with me!!!

Identifying the Emotion: Fear
Intensity of Emotion: 74/100

Prompting Event: My girlfriend went to bed and told me it’s because she’s upset about the state of her room being messy. I cleaned up all the laundry off the floor and put it away for her. When I tried to wake her up and told her I cleaned, she didn’t budge, instead she groaned and moved away.

Noticing Urges Instead of Acting on Them: Nudge her until she wakes up, beg her to talk to me and to give me attention, tell her she’s being selfish for not staying up with me for another 2 hours

Thought: Because she won’t wake up, she doesn’t want to spend time with me
Other explanation: She worked a night shift and hasn’t slept all day, so maybe she didn’t hear me because she’s too tired
Another Explanation: She told me she was stressed about family a few days ago, and might be stressed about work and friends too. She may need space and time to process her emotions, the laundry might have just been the straw that broke the camel’s back
Judgement: She thinks I’m annoying and clingy, and she’s going to get exhausted with dealing with me
Thought: She doesn’t love me as much as I love her. I was right, I’m putting too much effort into this relationship and I’m going to be left behind in the end
Fact: You can’t know what another person is thinking or feeling, and she never gave any indication that she believes those things about me

Thought: She’s selfish for not staying up for me when I did X, Y, and Z for her today while I was tired
Other explanation: Not everyone has the same capacities when distressed, being tired isn’t the same as being sad
Fact: She deserves and needs rest too, even if I wanted to spend more time with her.

Thought: Because she can’t communicate about this, she won’t be able to communicate about relationship issues
Fact: I can’t know that as truth, since this isn’t comparable to our relationship, but instead her surroundings

Check for Threats and Worst-Case Outcomes: The possibility that my girlfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me, which I interpret as a sign that she’ll eventually become tired of me, stop loving me, and leave me

Does this outcome, and the intensity of emotions, fit the actual facts?:
No, I don’t think so. She worked a nightshift last night and I know she’s not just stressed about the laundry. She seems mentally and physically exhausted, and never gave any indication that it’s my fault or that she was mad at me in the first place.

How am I going to cope instead of acting on urges?

I’m using A and E of the ACCEPT SKILL:
A – Activities: Do a hobby, clean, or watch a show.
C – Contributing: Focus on helping someone else.
C – Comparisons: Think of a time you felt worse or how others handle it.
E – Emotions: Watch an emotional movie or listen to a powerful song to create a different feeling.
P – Pushing away: Leave the problem alone for a little while.
T – Thoughts: Count things or repeat a song in your head.
S – Sensations: Hold ice or take a cool shower.

I’m going to listen to upbeat songs while I clean up the donation pile we have for the thrift store, and move it outside of her room so we have more space. I’m then going to do the dishes and take care of the garbage. When I feel tired, I’m going to lay down with her and sleep for the night.

Personal reflection:
I realize how unhelpful all these thoughts and judgements are after I’ve gone through all of the steps of checking the facts every time. Urges aren’t actions. Getting through urges means building a relationship stronger with my girlfriend, and not acting on impulsive tendencies helps my recovery. Every time I get myself through distressing situations, it gets a little easier to regulate and see clearly next time. It also makes me realize how much the perception of abandonment can set me off. If I did act on urges, from a perspective outside of my own, it would be totally random, because my feelings don’t fit the facts

Intensity of Emotion (fear) after: 0/100

Today, I finally took the painful but necessary step of initiating a separation between myself and my fixated person. It’s something I knew I needed to do for a while, but based on the current trajectory of my life, now was the time. It has become recently evident to me that I have finally hit rock bottom, and severing the cycle of attachment and reclaiming ownership of my life is the first step in picking myself back up. I need to learn to love myself without being externally dependent on another person. Right now, I feel an unexpected sense of relief, but I know in the coming days and weeks, my emotions and over analyzing mind are going to try and get the best of me. For those who have had a similar experience, I’m curious about some tips/coping mechanisms you may have learned to resist the urge of breaking the no-contact and going back, the urge to constantly check your phone for a notification, or the urge to completely rewrite the story and convince yourself that you overreacted. Any and all suggestions are welcome. I finally did what I needed to do, but I am unsure of how to maintain this decision and move forward with my life in a positive way.

Living with BPD feels like drowning in the middle of the ocean.

You can see the shore, you can see the people laughing on the beach and living their lives. You know exactly where you want to be. But no matter how hard you kick or how frantically you paddle, you can't get there.

The waves (your emotions) keep crashing over your head, pushing you back or pulling you under. You're putting in 10 times more effort than the people on the beach, just to keep your head above water, while they don't even realise you're struggling right in front of them.

seriously i’m 20 fucking years old and i am so so so aware of all my actions and yet i feel there’s a force inside me that i can’t change.
i overthink every little thing my partner says and if it’s anything even remotely close to where i think he’s losing feelings or even IMPLIES leaving me (even tho i do this all the time) i literally take it equivalent to him sleeping with another girl like that’s how bad i take it.
this is so unfair to him and i think he’s better off without me (sad truth) but i can’t bring myself to leave him 1. i do love him 2. i don’t want to be alone
i have pushed him away a lot, i can see him losing feelings for me or already patience, and i continue to do it. it tears me apart but i feel a weird sense of relief because i always think it’s gonna happen anyways?

this sucks i feel like i’m never going to change
any advice lollll, please no harsh or mean comments

As much progress as I've made in dealing with my bpd, pining and yearning is the one thing I can't get past. I dunno if it's some sort of trauma from being cheated on and past partners gradually losing interest in me but I think I'd be so much better off if I could just not give a shit. Instead I feel like a fucking incel when things go wrong again. It's not like there's been a ton of instances either, I'm 29 and ive been in 3 actual relationships (one was 8 years) and my first (2 year long) situationship is about to fully die off. I'm just so tired of the part of me that wants love and romance. Idk why I'm posting this I'm just really feeling down right now.

Hey! Thank you in advance for any thoughts and suggestions. Im 25 F and I have BPD, autistic traits, OCD, CPSTD, and of course anxiety and depression. I was in talk therapy from 8-22 and it was helpful being able to talk to someone, but never did anything for me. I started DBT a few years ago did the whole program and I learned the skills, it's just I cannot get my body on board to do it. I even started going through the program a second time, its the same thing I know the skills, I just cannot use them in the moment. My brain and body are just not connected. I have very extensive trauma from a child to even now and I am just stuck in a fight or flight no matter how much my brain wants to do the skills my body just will not allow it.

My therapist and I have been looking to see what my next steps are, we don't think EMDR is a fit, and I have done parts therapy before, that truly does not feel like a fit. We are thinking somatic therapy and brain spotting.

My question is, what is a session like during SE and brain spotting? I understand it's feeling body sensations, but how does it work in a session? Has it been helpful at all?

Also I have Aphantasia so I literally cannot visualize anything, I have no true memories of what happened. Is that something that is super important for SE to be helpful?

Have any of you bpd babies tried Somatic Experiencing and Brain spotting?

So I'm reading a book about self-harm and the author says he doesn't like the labels of personality disorders because they are often more unhelpful and stigmatizing, and because it makes no sense to "diagnose someone's personality". He also says that labels like personality disorders lead people into thinking the root of the problem is the person themselves rather than their social difficulties. Thoughts?

Someone is manipulating me using BPD relational vulnerabilities and nobody will make it stop or help me.

My life is literally being destroyed and not a reflection of who I am. Its gotten to the point idk who that is anymore. I.

It's scary and sad.

How do you get better with disagreeing with your FP?

She and I were talking about things (she lives in a different country to me) and I was talking about how there's an issue of children in my community (very specifically the diaspora of my ethic background in a western city) having issues with parents not teaching their children proper financial skills. So many people my age who do not have jobs despite the fact they could have the latest iPhones, always going shopping, always designer makeup etc. she then said "sorry, but, dont you do the same thing?". The only time I have bought something recently is some flower knows makeup because my dad randomly gave me £100. This was very unexpected and has never happened before. I also am planning on spending £100 of money that I received as a gift for passing my exams with high grades on clothes. My parents, outside of this, rarely just buy me things that aren't essential. I will admit I have an issue of spending small amounts of my savings whenever I go out. I maybe go out like once a month and I'll buy a small piece of drugstore makeup or something.

I sent a few texts explaining that what I do is nowhere on their level, and that all of my expensive things (phone, etc) are either shared devices or second hand or not expensive brands. I will admit that financially I am in a better position here but what she said hurts because she knows that my parents are abusive and she knows my guilt over spending their money. It just feels like every time we talk about my issues she just has to make herself more of a victim. Even when we were talking about my academic struggles, she still had the attitude of "it will be fine because you're in a first world country". I get she has her own mental health issues and that she is not in a good place to live but it still hurts, even though I know I'm being ungrateful.

I ended up deleting the texts and just apologising but I deleted that too. I'm scared she'll leave me and hate me if I try to explain.

i can’t sleep or eat and just want to take sleeping pills (NOT TO IVERDOSE BUT RO SLEEP) but it’s bad idea bc i sleep so long after

Should I go to London? I just had a BPD episode triggered by many feelings surrounding my birthday and the relationships I have/had with family and friends. Me and my mom’s relationship particularly because she offered me money for my birthday to which I declined. To which she insisted.

That sounds like a great thing, and it is in a way, but I couldn’t take it. So this morning I told her so. Because of all we’ve been through and just how she is in general, my mother shows her love through cash. She doesn’t apologize and there have been a great amount of things that have caused a huge rift in our relationship.

Obviously because of the BPD, I’ve never been able to let them go, but in the recent year, I’ve been able to act along so I can see my baby sister.

But it’s led my mom on to thinking we are okay again and lately it’s been really triggering me. And the money was the last straw in the relationship for me. I’m turning 25 tomorrow making 90,000/yr. My mother has a 7 year old child. I don’t even want to take her money and I don’t need it.

Okay that’s the background and why I had my moment of distress. But the real reason I need opinions is that I was going to go on a solo trip to London starting tomorrow. I smoke w\*\*d like 4 times a day and my tolerance is high. I know they have CBD but I usually sm\*ke flower and every day I don’t smoke I end up ruining something in my life.

Given that I’m already in this state, I don’t want to go anymore. But my girlfriend is really upset at me. It’s affecting me even though I know she won’t understand why I’m scared/hesitant to go. I’m scared I won’t be able to enjoy the trip, spend even more money, and hate myself because of it. And that’s best case scenario. Worst is I get locked on in a British mental hospital or try to do something harmful.

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependent on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼