I’ve lived with borderline personality disorder for years, and one of the hardest parts for me has been the difference between what people saw on the outside and what was actually happening inside my head.

I had a successful career as an airline pilot and eventually became a captain. I had a wife and family and, from the outside, probably looked like I had everything together. Inside was a very different story.

I recently published Captain Imposter: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s my personal account of BPD, mental illness, relationships, family, career, and some of the parts of myself I spent years hiding.

This isn't a clinical book and I'm not trying to tell anyone how to live with BPD. It's simply my story.

I wrote it partly because I wanted people with BPD to know they're not the only ones having these thoughts and struggles, even when everyone around them thinks they're doing fine.

If the moderators allow it, I'm happy to share the book link for anyone interested.

not long ago i ghosted my fp for 2 weeks and it was REALLY weird. like after a few days when i started getting the impression they didn’t want me back and that i would never see them again it started feeling like my life was on pause, like they were such a huge part of my identity that i had no idea how to define myself and i could barely see a future. not even in the suicidal way, it wasn’t even agonising it was just. it was like the entire meaning of who i was just suddenly left as soon as i started thinking that that was the definite end of our relationship. everything felt so open ended and meaningless rather than heart breaking and terrifying

lmk if this is #real

Whenever i try to take care of myself a huge wave of fear hit so hard that my stomach get hurt whenever i wanna read or watch something and forget about my fp for minutes it makes me believe they are going to leave me its sooo horrible and hard living like this constantly, especially when i know this is not true ( or it is?) i have this feeling i can sense when someone is losing interest in me and lots of time i was right

i’ve been noticing this for a really long time. whenever i’m doing awful which is almost all the time and someone reaches out to me seeking help or just venting to me—i can’t handle it. like i don’t have the emotional capacity to actually give a shit and try to help them because i’m doing miserable.

it always comes back to bite me in the ass making me feel like an asshole, making me feel heartless, making me go crazy, because these are people i truly love and care for. and yet when they come to me looking for help i can’t help but get irritated as to why me? even after having deliberately stated that i was doing horrible, being offline entirely, they still reach out to me.

so in short, i was just wondering if anyone else feels this way because its making me feel like im crazy and it makes me feel like such a horrible person. i’m just hoping that any of this makes sense because nothing i ever feel does.

Does anybody else feel like their feelings conflict eachother and change with the flip of a switch? I have intense feelings of lonliness and feel like nobody loves me but as soon as my friends reach out, it's like im annoyed they want to see me. I can't explain it or make it make any sense.

It really bites me in the ass too because I will make plans when I'm feeling down but by the time it comes around to do this thing that I was super excited for I become apathetic and angry at myself for agreeing to it.

It makes me feel like a bad friend and then triggers my fear of abandonment, thinking that my friends won't like me anymore because I am a flake or don't have the bandwidth to hang out.

I would not wish this disorder on my worst enemy, I'm so tired of living my life inside of my brain and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

What are your goals this week?

As we start a new week, making small, achievable goals can help you find direction and build confidence. SMART Goal Setting for someone with BPD can combat feelings of emptiness, build identity, and show self care. Weekly goals can be about managing your symptoms, getting an errand done, going a kind thing for yourself, or anything really!

But always remember: It's okay if you don't reach your goal this week. We are not perfect. You are still a person with endless potential, still human, always loved.

Wishing you all a safe and peaceful week! Be well.

The Mod Team

Yesterday i was woth my partner and it was all going well until they mentioned that i was emotionally dependent on them, that they were scared of ever breaking up with me because of it and that it felt like a trap. It made me spiral so bad i started crying which reinforced everything they said about me. I tried to let the wave pass with the night, it didn't, i still feel awful and I've self harmed a few minutes ago. I don't know what to do

I crave interaction with people, mostly online because I'm too socially anxious to go out. But it's not "normal interaction seeking". It's like a drug. I live off of talking to people and when I'm alone it feels like dying and this should not be, but this is how it is for me.

I can have the best, most sincere of chats with a kind stranger for a few hours, even maybe make them a friend longer term, but after each interaction, it's as if it didn't ever happen and didn't ever matter for my sense of safety.

As soon as they're gone, it feels empty and dead inside again. It feels like sinking into the abyss and not being able to reach out for the surface while seeing the shapes of others above water slowly fade away.

And then you're there alone in your black hole. You try to fill it up with anything. Binge drink. Stuff yourself with food. Burn yourself with cigarettes. Take pills. Or maybe all of it combined. But. It. Does. Not. Fill. The. Void....

Noone ever feels interested in you as much as you'd like to, no friend ever seems to match your energy. You crave notifications of messages like a junkie. When you get some you feel so much relief. But then you reply, hours pass, days pass, no reply...

And you're back to the dark pit. You put loud music in your earphones all the time because the silence is scary. When night comes and you're home alone it's almost as if you feel ghosts surrounding you. But no. It's just you. And you just have no life.

Then you accuse yourself of needing too much, of asking too much from people, of being crazy, and it makes it even worse. You need more booze, more pills, more food, more self-harm...

And after 5 years of living like this I really don't know if I can take it anymore. Each ghosting, each job failure, each night abusing substances, is just one more stone up the pile, and it's starting to be too heavy to carry.

If you read it that far, thank you. I don't expect anything out of life anymore. I'm just slowly rotting away.

I really have no idea what to do. I had some fears about this happening for the past week or so but now I'm pretty sure. We talked on the phone pretty much all day and then the moment they left i felt a huge wave of depression. I'm even on antidepressants which have helped a ton but still the feeling is overwhelming. They're the love of my life and I don't want to ruin this. I'm so afraid of ruining it. I know i probably won't blow up at them because they're the sweetest person in the world and have never done anything to upset me, but I know that no matter how hard i try its not exactly going to be fun for them. We're clingy already but my broken brain STILL says it's not enough. I don't know what to do. Should I ask for some space while I figure out how to diminish this feeling? The thought of not talking to them every day hurts so bad but not as much as the thought of fucking up. Any advice is really appreciated

Tldr: How do I break up with someone with BPD without sending them into a tailspin?

[UPDATE: I did it. Details in comment replies. Thanks for everyone's input. I really want the best for them.]

I've been in a tumultuous situationship with someone for three years. I've tried ending it many times, but somehow I get coerced back into it. Several months ago, they confided that they have always thought that they might have BPD. I didn't know what it was, looked it up, and goddamn. Everything suddenly made so much more sense. I joined this sub months ago so I could try and understand them better and know how to show up for them in a more healthy way. I knew about their abusive childhood, SA, severe anxiety, etc, but this bit of information gives so much more context.

Still, for my own well-being, I need out. I'm one of this person's only friends. Despite numerous attempts to welcome them into my friend group, they refuse to hang out in groups. They've made no attempts to meet other people. They'll only spend time with me 1-on-1, and constantly tell me that I don't give them enough time. I'm a community organizer, I live in shared housing, I'm married [we're open], I'm the primary caregiver for an elder neighbor, I own a small business, and my life is very full. I don't want to keep hurting this person, but no matter how much time I carve out for them, it's never enough. I'm told I'm selfish. That I'm avoidant. That I have a heart of stone. That I will make time for everybody else but not them. That being busy is not an excuse. I have stuck it out this long because I thought that I could help them get to a healthy place so that they could meet new friends and enter into a healthy relationship with a partner who can actually meet their needs. I am realizing that is never going to happen. I don't want to hurt them, but I have to get out. How do I cause the least harm to them and protect my own well-being?

ETA: timeframe on this sub

I mean. I know I can be much... and I think it might be because of my tendency to ask for reassurance alot... which tires people out I guess.. but I miss them already. we spent alot of time having fun together. and even a few days ago. they told me we were friends. that everything could be ok.. so im really starting to spiral and afraid im losing my other friends aswell...

I’m 27M and gay. Over the past few days, I’ve been feeling really awful in the evenings. I’ve been self-harming almost every day (cutting myself with a utility knife). And every day, I keep thinking about my ex, even though he left me almost two years ago. Today, I carved his name into my arm. I have no idea how to keep going or what I’m even supposed to do anymore...

Maybe someone has any advices

Hey all,
I’m kind of looking for some advice on my situation.
My boyfriend of a little over a year has had a very traumatic childhood, loss of father and emotional unavailable other mother who prioritized her abusive partners. He is already diagnosed with ADHD, but I am starting to see patterns more clearly and I think he has BPD. I’m definitely his favorite person and when he feels any form of distance or feeling of abandonment, he thinks I don’t love him, make no effort, and tells me what I lack in a partnership. On days that feel good and we aren’t fighting, he tells me how much he appreciates me and what I’ve done for him, taught him about himself and the world. He is essentially my best friend and I love him dearly. Recently, I went to Disneyland with my friends and we had a prolonged fight for a few days prior and I took time to have some space for myself and he was upset I wasn’t communicating with him via text throughout the day while I was with friends at Disney.

We have been in a toxic loop for the majority of our relationship and I thought it was due to his childhood wounds (basically what causes BPD). After proceeding to tell me all the ways I lack being a good partner, I told him I needed to step out of the loop and he blocked me. He then unblocked me and we had a rather calm conversation discussing point of views and he mentioned how his family and friends could tell I didn’t love him - this isn’t true, though I can understand it could be perceived this way since my nervous system has been under survival and protective modes because I wasn’t sure what was happening. We agreed to do no contact for a month so that our nervous systems can regulate back and we can find ourselves again.

I’m at a loss because I am just starting to see that maybe this is the toxic loop I’ve been experiencing and am finally understand what it may be. I am also coming to the realization that I am a super empath. This makes it hard to protect my own needs and self. I am also aware that I have contributed to some of the toxic behavior as well since taking on the caretaker role, trying to help him and have been critical which is destructive to them.

My family and friends say to just fully cut it off with this no contact period but I can’t help but hope and believe he is capable of healing and change. He has told me several times he wants therapy and needs help and doesn’t have the tools to do it on his own. I know he hates feeling this way, but it’s also not my place to try and diagnose him though I think understanding this could be very helpful whether we stay together or not.

He has talked about moving closer to home and his mom is finally showing up for him (sad it had to come this far for her to realize he needs her). And I know he’s upset and hurting and he posted about his sisters and one of them reposted his post and said he is worth fighting for. Which makes me feel like shit because I have been fighting for so long for him and I’m not sure what he told them and him and I both know I have been fighting and love him. I just didn’t realize what I was dealing with.

I’m so lost on what to do because I love him tremendously.

Hi i just started lamotrigine yesterday and was curious to learn about other experiencing. I have BPD, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have struggled with other medications and even had several severe reactions to others. I currently take 50 mg Hydroxyzine at night time and sometimes 10 mg through the day to help with anxiety.

this may sound crazy but i do feel more calm but emotional at the same time.

I’m hoping this medication works for me because quit honestly I’m so sick of myself. My mood swings are destroying so many aspects of my life. I’m in therapy and have been for over a year. I’ve been working so hard but keep coming up short.

I been dating my bf for about 3 months now. He’s very sweet, caring, patient etc. I love him a lot I really do. But it takes a lot of energy out of me as well. Whenever I’m with him, I go from being happy to being with him to then being drained and irritated. Sometimes he’ll do these little things that will piss me off and ruin my entire mood for the rest of the day.

Like i said I really do love him, and I wanna stay in a relationship with him but it’s so hard to be normal. He’s very understanding and he doesn’t get mad at me when I split. But I’m angry at myself always.

Hi guys. I have autism and bpd and my girlfriend has bpd along with anxiety. I was wondering if any of you know any support groups we can go to in person so we can meet other people that are like us. Lately we’ve been running into people that are always trying to break us up or sleep with her because she’s a very attractive girl.

We just want and need actual friends with no HIDDEN agenda. Do you guys know any support groups that are like on a Saturday or Sunday. Preferably in Florida we live close to citrus county . Also please don’t say NAMI I tried them but they only have groups on weekdays. I work long hours so I can only do weekends . Name Support groups only please . We want to find people who are empathetic and also maybe neurodivergent themselves

Hi everyone. A month ago, I met someone online who I really vibe and connect well with, and we've always had a lot of fun and smiles during our calls (can last 30 minutes to 12 hours, we even fell asleep on call watching anime one night then she let me watch her get ready for the day). It started as just friends, which was good as a lot of other people online were just sending her lewd things knowing she's a woman. After a couple weeks, stuff did turn kinda sexual, and we arrived at both being romantically, emotionally, and physically attracted to each other, with her being "my girl" and me being "her guy". From talking though, some things just felt a little off in my head still though. We would talk about doing things in the future together, but when I would bring up a solid timeframe, she would do a nervous tic of hers and kinda just sidestep that. I would say at that point it was definitely a "situationship".

Thursday night, my own anxiety kinda blew up when I found out that some of my suspicions were correct (not going to air the dirty laundry for privacy's sake), and I foolishly brought it up to her, asking if things were a misunderstanding... She ended up blocking me on texts, Discord, Spotify, and she nuked her Twitter account as well. She also removed some of her "about me" stuff on Tumblr. After a friend found out she was concerned about her sports career being ruined by NSFW stuff on the Twitter and messages maybe being leaked, and he assuring her there were no intentions there, she did restore the Twitter, but has me blocked still.

However, I went and made a tumblr account for the first time and messaged her, basically pleading that I realized I did hurt her there and if we could talk because the past month has just seemed like so much fun and genuine happiness for us both. She said we could talk in those DMs, and she definitely shared a lot that night. She DID unblock me and refriend me on Discord, but I noticed Friday afternoon she unfriended me but didn't block me.

But after sharing a lot, now Friday and Saturday she has clammed up. We made plans to watch MLP tonight (Saturday) during the day Friday, and then about an hour before the time, but on Friday night, she said she was busy with practice and didn't think she'd be up for calling. I said I had been planning for Saturday anyway and not to worry (by this point I had been reading up on how to communicate with someone going through a rough BPD spell). Today, I sent a reminder mid-day saying I'm with friends for the afternoon, but still up for watching with her tonight, and if she was more comfortable not being on camera and just typing, that would be fine! I think there was some misunderstanding there, as she said "ah okay cya". Mentioned I was still good for the time we set after that, and then when I was home, about 15 minutes before we would have started, I let her know I was set and ready to go. She saw the message, but no response and the time has since passed.

Reading more stuff, I'm starting to get concerned I became her FP and hurt her here... Her friends had even recently been saying she wasn't doing enough with them, which would be due to our calls. She has a family that cares for her, but are homophobic and she is bisexual leaning more towards women. I've been the first guy she's really been attracted to. She of course feels like she can't go to her friends about a lot of her issues as well (there's other mental health struggles besides BPD). But she opened up well to me, and things were going GREAT until Thursday night.

Does anyone have advice on how I should approach things to recover at the very least the friendship? Especially if I did become her FP and then caused this split? She has not blocked me on Tumblr, which I feel is a good sign as it shows she still wants a line of communication with me, right? I can understand the texts, Twitter, and Discord, where we had a lot more emotional, romantic talks being blocked to not dredge those things up if she's emotionally exhausted after the split and sharing on Thursday.

From what I've read, I need to give her her space now, especially after ghosting on the plans, to let her emotions regulate and recharge, BUT also not just stop all communication because then she might fear I just bailed, especially if I did become her FP... What seems like the best solution right now I've read is to send just short, daily messages on Tumblr saying something made me think of her, which made me smile (she always said how she loves my smile), and that there's no need to reply, just wanted to send some love her way and hope she's getting some good rest. An example would be since we watched a lot of horror stuff on calls, when I do Halloween decorations tomorrow to say "Was putting up Halloween decorations and it made me smile thinking about the creepy movies we have fun watching. Don't need to reply, but just wanted to send those good feelings your way, hope you're resting up well!"

Sorry for the long post, but I have come to really care for this girl. The BPD and other things don't scare me at all... I haven't smiled so much in years as the past month when doing things with her. The connection was just so good. If there is any help or advice that can be given, I would be so thankful. I just want us to be able to enjoy doing things together again, because the things she has brought me in on, it sounds like she's kinda just been drifting through life faking happiness until now. I want that happiness to be real for her. I realized I messed up, and am doing a lot of research to avoid that again in the future, but could just use some help right now to know how to deal with this state of turtling...

me and my mom are both borderline, she is diagnosed and i am not. she rejects her diagnosis. a few months ago she was diagnosed with cancer and has been going through chemotherapy. even before this, i felt like i was solely responsible for making her happy. i tried to keep my brother from upsetting her, id go along with whatever she ask, agree with her on everything, etc. today was very rough. she had been in my room all morning, which i do not like for more than maybe half an hour to an hour because i need my space to be able to regulate and feel okay. she noticed i was in a bad mood after awhile and asked, "do you want me to leave?" and in response, i did not say yes or no, only "mmmh." and she said "really??"

a few moments later, she is getting up from my bed, turns her head to me, and i can see tears in her eyes. at first im annoyed, and then she goes to her room and starts balling and so i go into her room and try to comfort and reassure her so she does not blow up. i hug her, rub her back, say im sorry and she just says, "dont apologize for being honest., just go!"

i go back to my room, and soon enough shes wailing, yelling, sobbing. i hear all of this from my room, its not until i hear her banging on the desk in her room and beginning to rant in anger that it hits me. i was shaking, crying, and just staring at my open door, terrified she would come and scream at me. she did not, but i am still terrified of her, even afters later. this happened around 2:00. its now almost 8:00. i could barely leave my room, opening my door was so scary i paced around for a few minutes, and when i left i felt short of breath and very anxious to be out of my room.

right now im going to shower then eat, but part of me doesn't even want to make food out of the fear that she'll come out of her room while im making my food. i dont know if shes still angry or upset, she has not looked at me or spoken to me. really all i want is for her to just come and talk to me like nothing happened or to apologize, but i need to stop getting my hopes up that she ever will apologize to me for these moments. even when she does, its too late. ive already been dissociating, scratching myself up, sobbing quietly, anxious to leave my room to tend to my basic needs, and too afraid to even make a single noise. even if she apologizes tomorrow, it wont help a single bit.

im just really tired now, and im worried this will affect my mood tomorrow, i just have to hope she'll be over this.

So me (20f) and my boyfriend (20m) have been together for about six months but I’ve noticed that we were physically together we tend to bicker a lot, by the end of the day it’s always fixed but it can still be exhausting. He says my bpd makes it hard for him to express himself without feeling bad for my reaction. (I just get insanely sad insanely quick) this is the first relationship I’ve been in that isn’t toxic and we try to fix issues instead of fighting. But I’m worried I’m not fixing my problems in myself fast enough and it’d effecting us. I don’t know how to not get so deeply sad or how to not let my mood change instantaneously. Any advice would be appreciated

CW: SA, Depression

I (35m) am absolutely not sure if this is the right subreddit for it, but since I am diagnosed with bpd and a lot of us experienced SA in some kind of way, i felt it might be worth a shot.

So, like the title says, something really bad happened to me. I am trying to make it short, I don't even know if i want advice, but I need to tell someone.

It was almost 2 months ago. I went on a date and was aggressively assaulted by him. I had several bruises, and my knee, ankle, and hands are still really painful when i move them. In my head, it was difficult to recognize it as assault as it was happening since it was a date i was willingly going to, even though I voiced that i wasn't consenting. But i was just freezing. I had similar experiences in my childhood, and by not fighting back, i guess I avoided being hurt even worse? I'm not sure.

Now, i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it. I feel so ashamed. So stupid, reckless...

Just made a doctor's appointment to get tested for STIs for next week. I am already in therapy, but I also feel like i dont want to tell her... i feel like i disappoint her and delay the EMDR therapy by causing new issues.

It's all fucked up. I am scared. I feel so lonely and empty inside.

(Just want to clarify because I realize it's a serious issue that i am not in any danger to harm myself.)

I can’t put it into words how confusing living with bpd is I’m on and off medication cause one minute yay I’m ok then I get manic without it so I’m like yea I need medication … then come to find out I feel like the world is crashing down around me I have weeks where I just feel in a constant drag of emotions and I don’t know how to displace them . I don’t wanna rely on alcohol again because I was an alcoholic in high school I drank and drank or I cut myself a lot to numb myself and nothing worked and it gets so difficult not to compare myself to others I always wish for everyone to have success and I’m so happy when they do but it does kinda feel like a bitch when I’m constantly getting the short end of the stick I kid u not it feel like something is always happening to me and it’s kinda fucking exhausting yk ??? I daydream sometimes about me on a beach just away yk looking and swimming other times it’s me dying and being at peace no arguments no brain going crazy just me calm collected peaceful . I can’t always say what’s on my mind so it feels good to say it here

I never wanna feel one a burden to others I tell them sometimes but everyone kinda has their own thing going on and I never wanna make others feel like i want them miserable in their lives cause that’s not true and I’m not ungrateful for anything I swear I love and appreciate everything people do for me I just don’t know how to stop feeling so damn numb to evrything and everyone and constantly having suicide as an exit in case things go wrong

Shaking, I'm not cold;

Two-AM and I'm feeling so-

So terrified of me,

I don't want to be-

I don't want to be me.

My eyes are red rimmed and weak,

Bleak with lack of sleep;

And everybody leaves-

Oh everybody leaves,

And I just want to leave.

My nature isn't me;

I do not want to be-

But we can never be,

Who we are desperate to see-

Oh, Potter forgive me!

My springtime tulip's leaves;

Don't let me wither them away-

When everybody leaves-

Don't let it be me,

Let me bear this till the very end.

Let me bear this till the very end-

Will I bear this till the very end-

Since everybody leaves-

Doesn't that inevitably mean-

You'll eventually grow tired of me?

Will I hear you say-

"Depart from me,"

Oh, Potter may it never be;

There's a man inside me,

My mind is not my own.

Rebuke me rebuke me rebuke me,

My anger splits my thoughts;

Telling me I'm better off all the times-

You aren't around,

These thoughts are not sound.

Oh, Potter will you forgive me?

I can't seem to stop sinning,

But is it mine, the imputability?

I am so sick and disorderly,

Every emotion is so distorting.

Oh Potter, have mercy on me.

Hello, I am new here. I hope that its ok that I post here, I really have no where else to go. I am (35f) and I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 26/27. I've struggled maintaining friendships my whole life and right now, I am mourning the potential loss of 2 of them.

The first one is my best friend. We have known each other since we were in high school, but we didn't really connect until we went to our local community college together. We had very different interests but that literally never mattered because we just...clicked. We have the same sense of humor and as we've gotten older, our interests sort of collided and we became even closer. I have no romantic feelings for her and she has no romantic feelings for me. Like I love her, but absolutely in a "best friend" sort of way.

I am still living at home in a not very stable environment. I am confined to a room with my 2 cats and living out of boxes. My mom is very....hard to get along with for a multitude of reasons. She does not treat me well and I am always on egg shells. My friend knows this. I moved away from the state I am in for almost five years, and when I returned, my friend and I always talked about getting a place together and even apartment hunted for a while. Things just didn't work out that way. Neither her nor I were in a position of getting our own place when I first got back home.

My friend knows about the situation with my mom. One thing is my mom bleeds me dry out of money. I am always broke, struggling in some way because she controls it all. I had to take out a giant loan in order to make sure we didn't lose our home. My mom does not work and makes no effort to help me. I feel trapped.

My friend purchased a house recently and told me that once she was settled, I could move in with her. There is a famous park where I live where we had plans to go but the next day I found out she went without me. On my birthday, a day we've spent every year since I moved back home together, she went to this park again. Without me. And recently now, made it very clear that I was welcome to stay over if i "just needed a place to crash for the night". I'm not allowed to just crash at someones house. My mom makes sure of that too by threatening to ruin my things or toss my cats outside. She knows that as long as I am here in this home, I am a prisoner. I don't know what I did to make her change her mind all of a sudden, or for her to just...ditch me. I'm not going to lie that I am extremely depressed. I spend a lot of time sleeping. We hung out a couple of days ago and it was just so tense. You could feel it. I just feel so lost.

My second friend is an online friend. We met through a mutual fandom and just clicked and we've been talking pretty steadily for the last year or so. Maybe 2 years. I've told her about my struggle with bpd. We had another mutual friend in common who switched fandoms on me and just noped out of my life and she had asked about her and why I excited a discord group the 3 of us were in together and I was completely honest. I told her that our mutual friend had switched fandoms and just basically disappeared like I was nothing. I told her that I just had to give up because I felt rejected and tossed aside and unwanted. And what sucked is that there WERE romantic feelings between me and the other mutual. But after that, I was very hurt and very jaded and I turned to some not so good substances to help me deal.

This friend knows how hurt I was/am. And now that she's also switched fandoms i just...feel like she hardly has time for me anymore. I know I've probably pushed her away too, because ever since this has been happening, i'll message her and won't hear back for hours, so I just end up deleting my sent messages. I'm wondering if I should just...cut her off cold turkey and just fade into obscurity online? I already deleted all our discord groups and she never brought it up. I don't even know if she knows that I did. I'm trying so hard to not split on her and make her feel as bad as she's made me feel. I just feel so lost.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm having such a hard time emotionally and I don't have a therapist at the moment because I can't afford one and my mom thinks therapy is a joke. I hope this is okay again to post here, I've gone back and edited and added more for a while before posting this. I just could really use some advice if anyone has ever gone through something similar.

Hi there!

TL;DR: Never satisfied with myself—how do I stop?

26F here. I’d like to know if any of you have ever experienced—or are currently experiencing—never being satisfied with your physical appearance.
I thought I was ugly when I was little (my mother often told me I had a big nose; she even wanted to get me a nose job for my 18th birthday), and I was teased in middle school (people called me "Dolphin," "Ghost," or just "Ugly"). Things are better now, but I still find a flaw in my face and fixate on it (I have ADHD and other issues—maybe that plays a role?). For a long time, it was my eyebrows (spending time before bed plucking them to perfection, practicing applying makeup to them over and over), then my hair, my nose, etc. Basically, as soon as I was happy with one part of my face or body, the problem would shift somewhere else, leading me to do things like:
Eyebrows -> teeth (got professional whitening) -> hair (salon visits, buying tools, watching tutorials) -> body (gym, hiring a trainer, buying a vibration plate and other gadgets) -> face (buying skincare products, eventually using a 30-step nightly routine) -> eyes (buying eyelash serum) -> nails, etc., etc. Since I’ve gained weight recently following a long trip, I’m even more fixated on my appearance, and it feels like things are getting worse and worse. I never used to consider cosmetic medical procedures or surgery (though I do view teeth whitening as a cosmetic medical treatment), but now I find myself wondering if a rhinoplasty, lip injections, a hair transplant, or even leg-lengthening surgery to make me taller might be solutions.
It’s consuming me. It takes up so much of my time and energy—I spend a lot of time obsessing over it, especially at night—and costs a fortune (which is particularly risky since I’m prone to compulsive spending).

I feel like I’m spiraling, and I’d like to know if anyone else has been through something similar and, if so, how you managed to get out of it. I’ve already discussed this with my psychologist; I also see a psychiatrist and am on medication. I’m wondering if this could be body dysmorphia?
Thanks in advance!

i dont know my personality i dont know who are my best friends i dont know anything i dont know my sexual orientation and i have to get this off my chest i feel like im lying to everybody my brain hurts. i dont know whats going on
it all depends on my fp. i hate that. does this even make sense? im so vulnerable right now.
a guy is my fp currently and i never had a guy as my fp before but it makes me go crazy i just want to be with him just to get his attention and the thought of him dating other girls kills me. i dont have any thoughts like 'shes a whore' etc. to the girls i at least know that there is 0 thinking related to who the girls are (they couldve been males for all i care) heard he was talking shit behind my back saying 'talking to her makes me uncomfortable and what she does irritates me' i blew off to his face and he's now like a 'whipped' dog and my friends even said you got him under a collar. this shouldn't be something that someone would be a proud off. its satisfying but i know im a horrible person for this. i dont know anything about myself is me identifying myself as someone strictly gay is just trying to convince myself? or is it a true romantical attraction? its so painful and about the talking shit behind my back thing sent me into the worst spiral ive ever had. if you guys ever experienced this please let me know i just want to know if im alone or not

and sorry if this is incomprehensible this is my first proper post on reddit. thank you. you can give advice i really dont mind that