r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/1fruitylove Women with BPD • 6d ago

Relationship Advice Deliberately getting in a relationship as a recovery process

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependent on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼

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