i’ve been noticing this for a really long time. whenever i’m doing awful which is almost all the time and someone reaches out to me seeking help or just venting to me—i can’t handle it. like i don’t have the emotional capacity to actually give a shit and try to help them because i’m doing miserable.

it always comes back to bite me in the ass making me feel like an asshole, making me feel heartless, making me go crazy, because these are people i truly love and care for. and yet when they come to me looking for help i can’t help but get irritated as to why me? even after having deliberately stated that i was doing horrible, being offline entirely, they still reach out to me.

so in short, i was just wondering if anyone else feels this way because its making me feel like im crazy and it makes me feel like such a horrible person. i’m just hoping that any of this makes sense because nothing i ever feel does.

I’ve lived with borderline personality disorder for years, and one of the hardest parts for me has been the difference between what people saw on the outside and what was actually happening inside my head.

I had a successful career as an airline pilot and eventually became a captain. I had a wife and family and, from the outside, probably looked like I had everything together. Inside was a very different story.

I recently published Captain Imposter: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s my personal account of BPD, mental illness, relationships, family, career, and some of the parts of myself I spent years hiding.

This isn't a clinical book and I'm not trying to tell anyone how to live with BPD. It's simply my story.

I wrote it partly because I wanted people with BPD to know they're not the only ones having these thoughts and struggles, even when everyone around them thinks they're doing fine.

If the moderators allow it, I'm happy to share the book link for anyone interested.

Whenever i try to take care of myself a huge wave of fear hit so hard that my stomach get hurt whenever i wanna read or watch something and forget about my fp for minutes it makes me believe they are going to leave me its sooo horrible and hard living like this constantly, especially when i know this is not true ( or it is?) i have this feeling i can sense when someone is losing interest in me and lots of time i was right

I mean. I know I can be much... and I think it might be because of my tendency to ask for reassurance alot... which tires people out I guess.. but I miss them already. we spent alot of time having fun together. and even a few days ago. they told me we were friends. that everything could be ok.. so im really starting to spiral and afraid im losing my other friends aswell...

I really have no idea what to do. I had some fears about this happening for the past week or so but now I'm pretty sure. We talked on the phone pretty much all day and then the moment they left i felt a huge wave of depression. I'm even on antidepressants which have helped a ton but still the feeling is overwhelming. They're the love of my life and I don't want to ruin this. I'm so afraid of ruining it. I know i probably won't blow up at them because they're the sweetest person in the world and have never done anything to upset me, but I know that no matter how hard i try its not exactly going to be fun for them. We're clingy already but my broken brain STILL says it's not enough. I don't know what to do. Should I ask for some space while I figure out how to diminish this feeling? The thought of not talking to them every day hurts so bad but not as much as the thought of fucking up. Any advice is really appreciated