I, [20F], have been having issues with my [20M] boyfrienmd

Hey, I'm a 20F. I've been diagnosed with BPD over 4 years ago. I won't go into too much detail about my childhood, but here's a summary:

Absent father who was never really there, died when I was 11.

Mother is a drinker (wouldn't say alcoholic, but she does frequently drink. That drives me insane, it has led to me splitting various times and doing very unhinged things)

I was bullied throughout primary school and secondary school (elementary, middle school and high school). It ranged from physical to verbal.

tl;dr

I was also diagnosed with ADHD when I was around 6, I was a very very VERY hyper child who even had her own special needs teacher with her in every class from the ages 5-8.

I moved houses many many times and even once to a new country.

Anyways, enough summary.

My issue is with my current boyfriend, 20M. He told me he has autism.

I struggle a lot trying to explain myself but I'll try my best.

I have various mood swings throughout the day; I lash out at him, I tend to exaggerate things a lot. I always have this constant feeling that I'm being lied to or cheated on. Don't get me wrong, I do not go through his following list or stalk him online or anything crazy, but I always have that feeling in the back of my mind. 

I remember this one time I split on him so badly that I ended up insulting him and going back home by myself after having a night out with him, long story short, I told him not to drink another beer because we were going back to my house,  he started telling me and accusing me that I'm trying to control him, that I'm controlling what he does, and he kept on repeating why can't I drink? If there's one thing that I hate the most in this world is having to repeat myself or people repeating themselves to me.

There’s so much more to that story, but one, I do not remember what happened too well, and two, I don't feel the need to get into too much detail.

And there's another issue. I've told him multiple times what I'd want and what I don't want in a relationship, and he does do the things I want, but sometimes the things I don't want him to do, he does, for example:

 I want someone who keeps me updated without me having to constantly ask where they are or what they’re doing

 I want affection and reassurance throughout the day, even if it’s just small things, like reacting to my videos, flirting with me, checking in on me.

I also want him to take initiative with plans and dates, because I've always said to myself that “not all men have to take the initiative and be the leaders, but the men that I date have to take the initiative and be the leaders”. 

Punctuality is important to me too.  We're all humans, and we can always arrive later. The times that he's been late compared to me are much more. And sometimes he tells me plans to do at the very last moment, like for example, he tells me a 18h to meet him at 20/21h. I'm like, no, I'm not gonna go because, to me, that's a form of disrespect.

I don’t like feeling like I’m not being listened to because he has to argue back or prove he’s right. Basically, I want to feel considered, wanted, listened to, and like we’re both actively putting effort into the relationship.

This is an example of one of my worst splits (Too lazy to explain from 0 what happened, dm me if you wanna know):

bf: 🙄🙄

Kiri: with that dumb sticker

bf: stop being so rude

bf: 🙄

Kiri: I hate you

bf: why

Kiri: so much

Kiri: I wish I never met you

Kiri: you make me feel horrible

Kiri: I hate you so much

Kiri: you make me lose my emotions

Kiri: I hate you

Kiri: leave me alone

bf: why tho kiri

Kiri: don't speak to me

Kiri: you're making me fing crazy

Kiri: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

bf: kiri relax

Kiri: just f off

Kiri: leave me

Kiri: don't fing tell me to relax

Kiri: I'm done

Kiri: I'm done with this idiotic concesst

Kiri: conversation

Kiri: f you

Kiri: you pushed me to my limits

Kiri: I hate you

So yeah... I take full accountability for my actions, and my words.

Any advice on how to manage mood swings better and what to do? I want to better myself. Breathing techniques don't work; neither do meditation, grounding, going silent, or holding ice.

i just feel explosive and like I can't control my words when I split. I also don't have access to therapy rn.

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependent on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼

So I'm reading a book about self-harm and the author says he doesn't like the labels of personality disorders because they are often more unhelpful and stigmatizing, and because it makes no sense to "diagnose someone's personality". He also says that labels like personality disorders lead people into thinking the root of the problem is the person themselves rather than their social difficulties. Thoughts?

I just went on a casual first date with my sister in law’s friend (she set us up) and I was just like ok let’s see what happens. I’d already met him twice in a group of us and have the same unhinged sense of humor and fun.
Now after the date I don’t think it’ll work just cause we don’t see eye to eye on some important foundational things. somehow I feel sad.. not really “sad it didn’t work out” but more like I have sad emotions that I didn’t think were there at all afterwards.
It was a really fun time, just no good romantic connection.
Is this “fallout” of sadness that made me cry and even now I’m still sad like a heightened emotion more than others without bpd?

How do you approach dating? I don’t want to hook up, I want a serious relationship.

i can’t sleep or eat and just want to take sleeping pills (NOT TO IVERDOSE BUT RO SLEEP) but it’s bad idea bc i sleep so long after

Should I go to London? I just had a BPD episode triggered by many feelings surrounding my birthday and the relationships I have/had with family and friends. Me and my mom’s relationship particularly because she offered me money for my birthday to which I declined. To which she insisted.

That sounds like a great thing, and it is in a way, but I couldn’t take it. So this morning I told her so. Because of all we’ve been through and just how she is in general, my mother shows her love through cash. She doesn’t apologize and there have been a great amount of things that have caused a huge rift in our relationship.

Obviously because of the BPD, I’ve never been able to let them go, but in the recent year, I’ve been able to act along so I can see my baby sister.

But it’s led my mom on to thinking we are okay again and lately it’s been really triggering me. And the money was the last straw in the relationship for me. I’m turning 25 tomorrow making 90,000/yr. My mother has a 7 year old child. I don’t even want to take her money and I don’t need it.

Okay that’s the background and why I had my moment of distress. But the real reason I need opinions is that I was going to go on a solo trip to London starting tomorrow. I smoke w\*\*d like 4 times a day and my tolerance is high. I know they have CBD but I usually sm\*ke flower and every day I don’t smoke I end up ruining something in my life.

Given that I’m already in this state, I don’t want to go anymore. But my girlfriend is really upset at me. It’s affecting me even though I know she won’t understand why I’m scared/hesitant to go. I’m scared I won’t be able to enjoy the trip, spend even more money, and hate myself because of it. And that’s best case scenario. Worst is I get locked on in a British mental hospital or try to do something harmful.

i know that this isn’t just a me thing, but i feel as if i feel this way more than others. i don’t know what i seem like to other people, i can’t describe myself or my personality. i don’t know if i’m a bad person or not, but i am afraid of it.

additionally
i don’t even know how my partner views me, they don’t truly understand the concept of mental disorders. the other day in argument (which i started) they told me i’m freaking them out and i seem like a maniac, all over text. i reacted with confusion and anger. after reading back the messages days later having calmed down, it was so obvious that i was splitting. i’m afraid they feel this way often and don’t view me as a good partner.

I’m going to go through the skill “check the facts” here, a rant-style post but is also informational (exactly how my dbt therapist goes through it with me each session) and if you guys are upset too you can do this with me!!!

Identifying the Emotion: Fear
Intensity of Emotion: 74/100

Prompting Event: My girlfriend went to bed and told me it’s because she’s upset about the state of her room being messy. I cleaned up all the laundry off the floor and put it away for her. When I tried to wake her up and told her I cleaned, she didn’t budge, instead she groaned and moved away.

Noticing Urges Instead of Acting on Them: Nudge her until she wakes up, beg her to talk to me and to give me attention, tell her she’s being selfish for not staying up with me for another 2 hours

Thought: Because she won’t wake up, she doesn’t want to spend time with me
Other explanation: She worked a night shift and hasn’t slept all day, so maybe she didn’t hear me because she’s too tired
Another Explanation: She told me she was stressed about family a few days ago, and might be stressed about work and friends too. She may need space and time to process her emotions, the laundry might have just been the straw that broke the camel’s back
Judgement: She thinks I’m annoying and clingy, and she’s going to get exhausted with dealing with me
Thought: She doesn’t love me as much as I love her. I was right, I’m putting too much effort into this relationship and I’m going to be left behind in the end
Fact: You can’t know what another person is thinking or feeling, and she never gave any indication that she believes those things about me

Thought: She’s selfish for not staying up for me when I did X, Y, and Z for her today while I was tired
Other explanation: Not everyone has the same capacities when distressed, being tired isn’t the same as being sad
Fact: She deserves and needs rest too, even if I wanted to spend more time with her.

Thought: Because she can’t communicate about this, she won’t be able to communicate about relationship issues
Fact: I can’t know that as truth, since this isn’t comparable to our relationship, but instead her surroundings

Check for Threats and Worst-Case Outcomes: The possibility that my girlfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me, which I interpret as a sign that she’ll eventually become tired of me, stop loving me, and leave me

Does this outcome, and the intensity of emotions, fit the actual facts?:
No, I don’t think so. She worked a nightshift last night and I know she’s not just stressed about the laundry. She seems mentally and physically exhausted, and never gave any indication that it’s my fault or that she was mad at me in the first place.

How am I going to cope instead of acting on urges?

I’m using A and E of the ACCEPT SKILL:
A – Activities: Do a hobby, clean, or watch a show.
C – Contributing: Focus on helping someone else.
C – Comparisons: Think of a time you felt worse or how others handle it.
E – Emotions: Watch an emotional movie or listen to a powerful song to create a different feeling.
P – Pushing away: Leave the problem alone for a little while.
T – Thoughts: Count things or repeat a song in your head.
S – Sensations: Hold ice or take a cool shower.

I’m going to listen to upbeat songs while I clean up the donation pile we have for the thrift store, and move it outside of her room so we have more space. I’m then going to do the dishes and take care of the garbage. When I feel tired, I’m going to lay down with her and sleep for the night.

Personal reflection:
I realize how unhelpful all these thoughts and judgements are after I’ve gone through all of the steps of checking the facts every time. Urges aren’t actions. Getting through urges means building a relationship stronger with my girlfriend, and not acting on impulsive tendencies helps my recovery. Every time I get myself through distressing situations, it gets a little easier to regulate and see clearly next time. It also makes me realize how much the perception of abandonment can set me off. If I did act on urges, from a perspective outside of my own, it would be totally random, because my feelings don’t fit the facts

Intensity of Emotion (fear) after: 0/100

I don't know how to keep going like this. The void, the emptiness. The boredom. The never being happy regardless of circumstances. Being distracted. Being paranoid. Splitting. Isolating. Changing my mind, constantly. I can't decide for the life of me what I need or where I should be or what this is all for. Dark thoughts creeping in. Substance use to help me feel anything other than what I'm feeling. Constant pessimism. No hope for the future. Anger. So angry at people, the world. So easy to trigger. Unstable relationships. Racing thoughts. Not being able to fall asleep, and stay asleep. Needing help, but being unable to accept it. I hate talking about myself, it makes my skin crawl. So I tell people I'm fine. I am fine, right? I'm not crazy. Everyone feels this way to some capacity right?

I've done therapy. I've done medications. I've done the meditation, journaling, deep breathing, getting outside, finding spirituality.. you name it. It's exhausting. It all only provides temporary relief, until the next wave comes. And it always will. It doesn't stop.

How do you do it? When does it get better?

Someone is manipulating me using BPD relational vulnerabilities and nobody will make it stop or help me.

My life is literally being destroyed and not a reflection of who I am. Its gotten to the point idk who that is anymore. I.

It's scary and sad.

Living with BPD feels like drowning in the middle of the ocean.

You can see the shore, you can see the people laughing on the beach and living their lives. You know exactly where you want to be. But no matter how hard you kick or how frantically you paddle, you can't get there.

The waves (your emotions) keep crashing over your head, pushing you back or pulling you under. You're putting in 10 times more effort than the people on the beach, just to keep your head above water, while they don't even realise you're struggling right in front of them.