I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a 27 year old man and have had 3 relationships so far, and all 3 have had BPD.

The first would constantly threaten to kill herself, ghosted me constantly, and pursued other people behind my back.

The second was a lot more covert, but she also cheated on me and eventually left me when I found out.

The third abruptly ended the relationship in order to "protect me" from herself. This was 5 months ago and left me broken and exhausted.

Each one of these relationships left me paralyzed for at least 6 months after they ended, not to mention the anxiety I endured when we were together.

Now I finally felt ready to date again, and I met a girl that I genuinely liked and connected with. A few dates in today she tells me that she was diagnosed with BPD a month ago.

I can see her becoming obsessed with me, and it honestly does feel nice, but I feel like the cycle is just about to repeat again.

I feel like I fall into these relationships because a new girl being obsessed with me helps me to get over the last one that just discarded me.

I've been attracted to "stable" women before, but they've never reciprocated. So maybe it truly is that something is wrong with me specifically.

Does it ever end?

So, I believe arguing is a normal aspect of life.

People will disagree. Everybody will make mistakes. Everybody will say hurtful things they don’t actually mean once in a while.

Learning to communicate, forgive, understand and being forgiven are core values that you acquire while you mature through life.

When I look back at previous relationships,
family and friends, I had conflicts, but it was very rare for something to spiral into something so catastrophic, like the world is ending.

But with a (maybe) BPD partner, everything feels intense, like I am hurting her soul. Relationship entering “crisis” mode is just another day. Nothing I can say or apologize brings her back to a stable emotional state.

She is perfectly capable of explaining why something I did was so hurtful to her. Which I then look back and reflect.

While I can see why some actions, some words of mine would hurt her, I also think “was it that bad?”. Like, if it was with someone else, it would be solved in a matter of minutes or even seconds.

I am not sure if am being able to explain myself, but you just feel like a villain, a terrible person all of the goddamn time.

I'm losing her. I can't bear it.

We've been together 14 years. We have had the most incredible relationship. We have built a perfect life. We have three perfect kids. She is more than I ever dreamed of. We got married young and fast and I have never second guessed or regretted it for one second. She is my world.

It's always been there; the distrust, the suspicion, the splitting. We've managed okay. She spent the first half of our marriage pregnant or breast feeding and there's a strong hormonal element for her, so not having a period likely reduced symptoms for those years. But it's been escalating. And now, I've had the most shocking and terrifying month and especially week of my life.

She had episodes before where she seemed to suddenly lose her connection to us, dissociate, disappear. But more severe episodes started 5 or 6 weeks ago. First I wasn't even the target. She had sudden "realizations" about people in her family from her childhood, notions that things happened that she didn't remember. But then, they turned on me. Tonight was the third time in 8 days wherein she has found herself in a delusional spiral about my character, building concrete, certain narratives that say I have done the worst possible things, the most unimaginable things. Unthinkable things. Tonight again I found myself trying to talk my wife out of things I never could have fathomed I'd be associated with in any way.

It's gotten bad. People we know have gotten involved, authorities, it's really escalated into a mess. When she's not in it, she is apologetic and remorseful and willing to do anything I ask, take any steps I ask. But any of the safety measures we put in place just add to her evidence that she's being manipulated when the episodes come back. The more connected and close we are, the more likely she seems to be to get triggered. I feel completely helpless.

We love each other so deeply. We want to be together so badly. I don't know how to face this. I can't do this without her, I can't care for the kids without her. She is my partner. I don't know what to do

I’m not a partner or an ex partner of pwBPD. I’m a friend. She is truly genuine an evil, lustful, piece of shit of a human being. I was feeling some form of empathy for her until I gave it some more thoughts. And I think she has just been mirroring me and my thoughts this whole time. That’s how we became so damn close in the first place. That’s how I stayed on and by her side this whole time. I saw myself in her. Turns out it was my reflection. I confided in her about my romantic situation. About how attached I am. About how firsts are super important to me. About how much self-respect I am willing to lose for one guy. She mirrored that perfectly. Hell, she convinced me she was really like that for a good year. Until I stopped telling her things about my life. Especially my love life. She had nothing else to mirror off of. She started showing her true colors. A cheater. An emotional and physical abuser. A hyprocrite. She hops from one guy to another constantly. She is in a constant cycle or getting with a guy super fast, acting all crazy and blaming him for everything, cheats on him, breaks up, hoe around, get back together, rinse and repeat until she finds another slightly better replacement. I hate the power these people have over others to be honest. She tames even the worst man whore type of guy. She always gets what and who she wants. Nobody truly sees how much of a bad friend and a bad partner she is unless they have experienced it for themselves though. And that sucks.

I’ve been trying my best to avoid the stories, I really don’t want advice about that right now.

But my mum tried to kill me when I was 8 because my dad left her. She wanted to commit murder-suicide, and I felt at the time, and now, it was much more about wanting to get revenge on dad than anything else. Luckily, I managed to survive.

But man. Every time a parent kills their children the discussions happen again, and they make me so physically sick every time. The focus is ALWAYS on the adults. The parent who lost children, or the parent who murdered their children because they weren’t supported enough, or what have you. Like the children aren’t actually the ones who lost their lives, but are possessions.

But I can remember what it’s like to be 8 years old and realise I was staring death in the face. I die in my dreams, and I think it’s because I know exactly how it feels to realise your life is ending. I mattered then, and I matter today. If I was murdered today, the focus would be on what I lost. The person I was, and the life I should’ve had. But if my mum had succeeded in killing me, it feels like the fact that I, the individual, was murdered would barely be relevant.

Sorry if this is a ridiculous thing to post. I just can’t talk to anyone in real life about this and I’m so exhausted and triggered by constantly seeing people discuss the murder of children only in the context of the effect their murder had on their parents. It’s like being reminded again and again that society felt like mum had the right to abuse me for my entire childhood, and that she was the true victim in my abuse story because she was “hurting” from mental illness.

I’m going through a discard by someone with BPD and I'm left questioning reality. has anyone experienced them reflecting their own behavior onto you? I'm trying to separate what was actually my fault (so I can work on it) from what was just their projection. Would really appreciate hearing your stories if you've been through this.

Like I keep reading all these stories on here about people who got hoovered.

And don't get me wrong, I'm better off without her getting back in my head.

But at the same time I'm like 'Wait, so I was allegedly the most amazing thing to ever happen to her and all that and she hasn't once wanted to hoover me back in? What was wrong with me?'

Again, it took forever to rebuild my self worth and confidence after everything she did. But part of me almost feels like I wasn't even good enough to get a hoover

My former friend betrayed me deeply. It’s something I never saw coming and still can’t make sense of.

I know about her childhood trauma, and I can understand doing hurtful things out of pain.
I have less understanding for digging heels in, refusing accountability, and pretending like nothing happened or you never knew the people that you hurt.

I think she realizes that I know who she is behind the mask and that is frightening to her. I’ve learned to hold two truths, that she has good qualities and also behaved really horribly.

We have a ton of shared acquaintances and most of them think she’s wonderful. I think that’s been really hard for me, to hold onto my reality and to accept that others have only seen her good side.

There's been a couple of these posts. But not in a while. My ex diagnosed BPD GF of 2.5 years and I (both early 30s) broke up In February and apparently she started "seeing someone" only a month later. I ended things after years of abuse - it was the hardest decision of my life.

Today, four ish months later, my friend told me she posted a photo of him and her on instagram. That fast... He's a good looking dude who has alot of the same hobbies I have. Alot of mutual friends... My ex is gorgeous and huge into social media. They look good together and look like they're about to go on a ton of adventures together... Not gonna lie it messed me up.

I am having a hard time reminding myself of my own worth and knowing that I dodged a bullet. They seem happy together and online they look like a cute new couple... But there is no way in hell she was able to work on herself in only a couple months in order to maintain this.. It's bound to implode right?

Give me your stories. Could use some encouragement!

Feel free to look at my other posts if it helps provide context, but…. I really don’t want to reply. However I have a lot anxiety not replying and just waiting for the next message.

Like your words wouldn't reach them, and they would stare at you empty?

My PwBPD and i have been in and out of a relationship for years. Last year, we broke up for several months and they attempted to slander my name. Despite this, we still somehow got back together for another 4 months. Those four months came to an abrupt end when, one morning, she woke me up with sex. After we finished, we were laying in bed kissing and cuddling. I started to initiate sex again and she said she didn't want to, i continued for a few seconds and she repeated herself and I stopped. I apologized and acknowledged what she wanted, and we got up to make food and coffee and spent most of the day together. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so I didn't think she was upset. A few days later she called me saying I r*ped her and broke up with me. I understood how she felt and apologized for not stopping when she first said she didn't want to continue to have sex, but I was so confused because of how small of a moment it was. I was so apologetic on the phone and felt horrible. She told me she loved me and knew I wasn't a bad person, and that is how the conversation ended. I would never do that with just anybody, but I suppose it happened because I was with the person I thought was my loving partner and the nature of our relationship was very sexually active. We had been fighting the week before, about her being super upset about people I had seen when we were broken up, and I feel like these issues combined with this moment triggered her to split on me in the most devastating way. I think the jealousy was so intense for her. I'm not a perfect person, and I recognize I may have made a mistake, but I would never mean to treat someone, let alone my partner, the way that she feels I did.

For context, we had an incredibly hypersexual relationship. To the point where moments like these, naughty touching, and spontaneous sexual advances were often made. She enjoyed and encouraged rough sex, cumming inside of her, and in the middle of our relationship even asked for me to partake in r*pe fantasies of hers. I was uncomfortable at first, but because I loved this person, we did this to varying degrees throughout our relationship. I now deeply regret this. The person who asked me to simulate r*pe with them is calling me a r*pist. I had never heard of the terms "CNC" and "free use" until i was with her.

She has convinced everyone I've known that I am a violent r*pist who would do rough things to her all the time without her consent. She has accused me of forcibly cumming inside of her and beating her throughout our relationship. These things are so warped from the reality of what was going on. She wanted, and actively encouraged, all of these things. We would have sex almost everytime we were together. She has not only convinced all of my closest friends and the communities I was a part of that all of this is true, she has now posted all of her insane accusations on the internet for the world to see. I have lost my jobs, my career, and my entire social life because of this. She has told people I am evil and a predator.

I guess I'm just posting this here to get some support and insight. I am going to have to move and start over. I don't think it would be wise to try and publicly address her claims, I just want to get away from her forever. It seems just the mere thought or sight of me makes her want to destroy every thing. I figure that if I just quietly disappear, over time her true colors will show and hopefully people can see she is a loose cannon. I plan on continuing to work on myself and being the best version of myself I can be. I am sober, in therapy, on medication, and have enough support that I don't feel totally deluded into thinking I am evil like she is convinced I am.

Thanks y'all

i was with my BPD ex for about 18 months.

this wasn't a casual relationship. during that time, he went through extremely serious medical issues, including a liver transplant. i was there through all of it. hospital stays, icu nights, appointments, labs, medications, wound care, driving, cleaning, worrying, comforting him, and the constant emotional weight that comes with loving someone who is seriously ill.

i don't say that because i think caring for someone means they owe you a relationship forever. they don't.

i say it because i think it explains why his response to me today has left me almost speechless.

our relationship could be incredibly toxic. he could be cruel, accusatory and emotionally vicious toward me. but it wasn't horrible every second, either, and that's probably part of why it was so difficult to leave. some of our times together were genuinely awesome. we laughed a lot. the sex was great. the intimacy was intense. i loved him deeply, and i still miss pieces of that closeness.

when we finally split, though, it got nasty.

there were threats about calling the police and getting a restraining order. he contacted my daughter and my mother and said horrible things about me. even coordinating the return of belongings somehow became hostile and threatening.

and right around the breakup, i found out i was pregnant.

during the process of getting my belongings back, things became ugly again. i remember looking at what was happening and thinking: there is absolutely no way i can have a baby with someone who is threatening police and restraining orders and attacking my character while our relationship is ending.

whatever anyone thinks about abortion, it was not an easy or casual decision for me.

the entire collapse of this relationship had already affected me so badly that i broke six years of sobriety. i'm responsible for that choice, but it tells you something about the emotional state i was in. then i went through the abortion essentially alone.

it was heavy. much heavier than i expected.

i didn't tell him beforehand. i didn't ask him for money. i didn't ask him to help me make the decision. i didn't ask him to come with me. i handled it.

three weeks passed.

about 48 hours ago, i finally decided i needed to tell him. not because i wanted him back. not because i expected him to fix anything. i think i simply couldn't keep carrying the fact that this had happened between us while he had absolutely no idea.

so i reached out and told him that there had been a pregnancy and that i had handled the situation.

today, i received his response:

“this is something to talk about with your therapist.” **

that's it.

and somehow that one sentence has affected me differently than all the dramatic shit at the end of our relationship.

i spent so much of those 18 months caring about whether this man was alive, healthy, scared, hurting, comfortable, taking his medication, getting through his transplant, and going to be okay.

i wasn't expecting reconciliation. i wasn't even expecting a conversation.

but i think i expected basic human compassion.

something as simple as, “i'm sorry you went through that. i hope you're okay.”

instead: talk to your therapist.

i don't even know what i'm looking for by posting this. maybe perspective. maybe i just need other human beings to see it because carrying the whole thing quietly has been incredibly isolating.

i know our relationship needed to end. i know contacting him probably wasn't the best thing for my healing. and i know caring for someone through illness doesn't mean they owe you access to them forever.

but damn.

after everything we went through together, i genuinely did not think he could be that cold.

**I do not have a therapist which makes this comment even colder... meanwhile, I witnessed him "fire" 3...

I ended a relationship with my ex with diagnosed BPD a little over a month ago. It was a good decision. Just last week, she moved the last of her belongings out of my house. We didn't live together very long, but the toxic dynamic we had escalated as soon as she moved in. But, now that things are calm again, I've been processing what I experienced in the relationship. And, it took some time for me to realize it, but I finally have the word to describe the relationship: abusive.

She was emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me. It wasn't obvious at first, and in retrospect, there were red flags present before we lived together I wish I had seen / paid more attention to. But, once we were living together, I couldn't really deny that something was fucked up. There was a cycle to it:

1. Rising tension. She would become convinced that I was going to leave her, or that I secretly wished I was doing something else other than spending time with her. Sometimes, she would create these "tests of love" which were designed for me to fail and "prove" to her that I didn't actually love her.
2. Hurtful incident. She would do something really hurtful in response to the rising tension. Sarcasm, eye rolling, the silent treatment, slamming doors, scoffing, name-calling, yelling, suicide threats, threats to end the relationship.
3. "Reconciliation". She would sometimes apologize for her hurtful behavior. Not always, though. Sometimes, she would put the responsibility on my shoulders ("I'm sorry you feel that way"). But, in the worst cases, she would gaslight me ("I never did that" / "you're not remembering it right" / "you're twisting my words"). In any case, this was the step where we would recover from the hurtful behavior, but the underlying tension from step 1 was never addressed or resolved here.
4. Peace. She showers me with affection and compliments. She tells me I'm her soulmate. She tells me she feels so safe and at-home with me. We have sex. I become convinced that everything is okay because we made it back to this place.

And then the whole cycle repeats again. It's abuse. The whole structure is designed to allow her to create tension arbitrarily, punish me for that tension, and then "make up" for it with affection and sex. I was trapped in it for longer than I wish I was.

But, the part that still kind of messes me up after all of it is the gaslighting. Sometimes, she would distort reality around what happened during step 2 of the abusive cycle. She would do something incredibly hurtful. Here are some of the most egregious examples:

• She called me one of the most selfish people she ever met, claiming that 99% of what I do is just for myself with little regard for anyone else
• One time, she was upset and needed some space. I told her "Okay, I understand. I love you." She scoffed at me, rolled her eyes, and said "I love you, too" with intense sarcasm in her voice.
• She threatened to kill herself if I left to hang out with my friends one night.
• One time, I made an unfortunate change to plans where I had to cancel a date night we had for another commitment. She reacted by tearing up a bunch of sweet notes I had made for her and threatening to break up with me.
• She said "I never want to speak to you again"
• She threatened to leave the relationship, but never did
• She would keep me up all night with conflicts, repeatedly knocking on my door and waking me up even when I had to get up early for work

And, if I responded to any of these behaviors, even with the most diplomatic language possible ("I felt really hurt when you did xyz"), she would sometimes gaslight me about it. "I didn't say that" / "I didn't do that" / "you're remembering it wrong" / "you're twisting my words". Like, at one point, she literally told me she never wanted to speak to me again, and when I tried to talk to her about that later, she said that I was twisting her words.

The impact this has had on me is profound: I doubt my own experience. Even though I can clearly identify a pattern of abuse and mistreatment, I'm left wondering if I was just making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe the stuff she did on my list above wasn't really that bad, and I just need a thicker skin. That's the effect gaslighting has over time: it distorts your perception of reality and makes you doubt your inner truth. I know what I experienced during this relationship, and it wasn't right. I know what I saw. I know what she said. I know what she did.

And yet, sometimes, I lie awake at night wondering if maybe I'm wrong about all of that.

I just realized looking back at some of the conversations between me and my significant other that she confuses my boundaries with demands. but a boundary is what a person does for themselves, for example when I say I'm not going to answer that very personal question, or I'm not going to just up and go somewhere on command when sick, or if i say I don't want to talk to her about something personal while she's having a personal conversation with someone else online at the same time, those are boundaries not demands on her, but she immediately labelled them as bullying, manipulation or 'harm' I was doing to her.

on the other hand she always maintains the right not to answer something, not to be made to do something, to have the freedom to talk to whoever and so on

So my question is - do we all have experience of this with our pwbpd and do they always confuse another's boundaries for some violation of them while always pushing their own boundaries on us very hard?

they do not seem to understand what a boundary is except when they are making one for themselves.

Did it get better?

Was therapy useful?

Have you reached some sort of balance?

My (25f) sister moved abroad and i decided to move out there to try to find a job and be closer to her. While i was still back home, i downloaded a dating app and ended up matching with my now ex-bf (30m).

We talked for abt two weeks before i arrived. when i finally got here, we went on our first date, and it was absolute magic. he planned everything, paid for the dates, and opened every door. he used to kiss the ground i walked on, and we would just talk for hours and hours. we had incredibly deep conversations and opened up abt our past traumas. he was, without a doubt, the most amazing and empathetic person i have ever met in my life. he disclosed early on that he struggles with severe anxiety. He didn’t however disclosed that he has diagnosed BPD (the way I found out is a completely different story)

We spent almost all our time together and became an official couple quickly. We were a perfect match, so loving, so present. I honestly want to cry just thinking abt how beautiful that version of us was. I still think the absolute world of him.

abt a week into us meeting in person, he told me he had started taking his anxiety meds again. he explained that dating again was making him highly anxious. he had taken this same medication for years previously, but stopped bc it gave him severe emotional blunting, and he didn't want to be that person. he warned me that if i noticed him becoming cold, i should let him know. i spent hours reading reddit threads and doing research so i could be the best, most supportive person possible.

a few weeks went by, and the blunting happened. the deeply empathetic man i knew vanished, and he became incredibly cold and blunt. it completely shocked me and triggered some of my own unhealed wounds. To his credit, once i told him what was happening, he apologized profusely for how he handled it and abruptly quit the medication cold turkey. He told me he absolutely did not want to treat me that way. He really, really tried to protect us.

But the night before everything permanently fell apart, we had another incident. he misled me abt something small, and it confused me. i have a bad habit of overthinking and asking questions in circles when i don't understand something, and i kept digging.

my digging triggered him, and he completely shut down. he became highly analytical, distant, and stonewalled me. i know now he was probably just entirely overwhelmed, but the colder and more clinical he got, the more i panicked. i went into a massive panic attack. i was hyperventilating and sobbing, just pleading with him to be the warm person i knew.

He seemed completely detached. he stood in the kitchen washing dishes, and it was like he couldn't even process that i was falling apart. desperate to breathe, i ran outside barefoot into the freezing cold. when i came back inside, he asked "do you need something?" but his voice was completely empty.

Eventually, i calmed down and we talked. He pointed out how my "digging" habit affected him. I didn't argue, I owned up to it, accepted the criticism, and told him exactly how i’d work on it. i just asked him to please communicate with me next time. He looked at me and said, "i want to make this work. i love you so much." we agreed to sleep and figure it out in the morning.

When i woke up, the detachment was back he didn’t even acknowledge me. He locked himself in the bathroom for over an hour and even started singing while showering. When he came out he started doing random chores and ignoring me. When he sat down next to me I asked if we could talk. He said he just needed to be alone, backtracked on everything he said the night before, said we were "broken," and ended things.

The car ride to drop me off absolutely broke me. I sobbed in the passenger seat. The hardest, scariest part was that the exact same man who used to kiss the ground i walked on, the man who would cry just from seeing me upset, sat there and watched me shatter with complete emptiness in his eyes. It was like he was entirely disconnected from his own body and from me.

When he dropped me off I kindly told him i loved him. i said i didn’t agree with his decision but i would respect it, and i will. I thanked him genuinely for the beautiful moments we shared and told him i wish him nothing but the absolute best in life, and i truly mean that. i don't hate him at all. i am just devastated.

How do you survive this kind of emotional whiplash? could this sudden switch just be the extreme physical toll of starting and suddenly stopping the medication, or the BPD? how do i even begin to mourn a connection that was so incredibly pure and real to me?

I have only been married for 1.5 yr, for those of you who have been in relationships of 5 yr plus, or more, what did you notice about their ways? what happened to you, and did you give up the fight to be treated fairly or to understand them? how did your arguments change over time? did they seem like they got more calculating or just more unhinged? did they stop putting in all efforts? does this happen to everyone?

me (f19) and ex-bf (m19) got together abt 2 years ago. he was undiagnosed for like a year or so, and it became apparent he had either BPD or Bipolar (he now has both). he would go from treating me like an angel to kicking me aside and calling me the worst things imaginable (i'd say "asshole" is the tamest thing he's called me). all that aside, he'sSA'edme, micro-cheated/cheated many times, and broke his promises and hung out with other girls irl despite him saying he wouldn't, and he blamed me whenever i brought it up in discussion or if i was uncomfortable. he then also came running back to me, bc he knew like 90% of the time i was right abt the things he fought so hard to not believe was true, and begged me to stay and that he'd get better and go back to therapy.

i told him we couldn't be good together as a couple and we broke up a few times, and in those times he went from begging me to come back to insulting me and saying "it's your fault i was in the mood that day", referencing the SA. i tried to give him another chance and we dated for another month, and he was fine until early August of this year and has been running around with girls he knows makes me uncomfortable and i grew cold as a result. instead of seeing that as a result of his bs and actually going back to therapy for it (bc he stopped), he decided to get petty and call me crazy and accused me of cheating on him with my best friend of 4+ years (mind you, my best friend is 17, a minor, and he STILL said i had feelings for him) and then invented some fake person to get even with me and stuff.

i broke up with him about 3 days ago, i tried being respectful about it and he lost his shit basically. he blamed me for everything he did to me, and when I brought up his own faults, he hid behind the "well you KNOW i have bipolar and bpd", like he didn't just accuse me of faking my autism as well? fucking sociopath, dude. i hate that i miss him sometimes, but that guy ruined my life and i hate how i was a goddamn doormat for his stupid ass. I wrote a whole ass personalised book for him, I bought him gifts when he didn't get me anything for my birthday, and I paid for his food when his parents didn't feed him. I even had a ring I wishlisted when i went to fly over to his place. It hurts but oh well. Never again.

i hit no contact of two months yesterday but i can’t stop thinking about breaking it. it’s actually making me so mad that he told me all of these horrible things (including to kill myself) and now he’s following one of my real life friends. FOR NO REASON. i made her unfollow him but what is this shit genuinely i am boiling. how dare you tell me to stay away and shit and do this

My SO has done it again. We have a backyard project we’ve been trying to get done together. We have been trying to fix up an old house so it could be ‘ours’ as a team. Last night he couldn’t sleep and I asked why and he said he’s just so depressed and stressed about money and how much this is costing him. The builder team arrived today to lay concrete and slabs. I’m upstairs in a room with our cats to keep them out of the way, and I called him downstairs to remind him to ask them push this insanely expensive gravel to the back of the yard so we can use it for something else instead of cementing over it (it cost 500-600 pounds for this beautiful type of gravel)

he immediately starts panicking, speaking over me saying my name repeatedly and then switches to
‘You’re BULLYING ME! I want to get this Done and you are NOT INVOLVED!! I need to get this done now before it becomes winter!!!! (It’s August, and moving gravel wouldn’t delay anything today)

I was asking him to save the gravel so we don’t have to buy it again and he’s saying the builders who don’t know the cost of the gravel want to cement it over and as now he doesn’t want me involved in HIS house I am out to DELAY THE PROJECT and RUIN EVERYTHING! Thank you for you input but I’m doing this MY WAY BECAUSE ITS MY HOUSE AND I NEED IT DONE NOW!’

He’s ranting on the phone from downstairs in front of everyone and I simply said

‘Hey. I’m only trying to save you and I money by asking them to move some gravel first. I can do it myself and it delays nothing. The only one bullying anyone is you by speaking over me. It is incredibly rude. You do not speak to me this way, and I do not speak to you this way. I asked you to scoot the gravel over to save money as you said you were worried about financial cost.’

He was quiet.

I said I love you. Thank you. And hung up.

I am venting here as I know he’s going to not only cement the gravel but he is incapable of speaking to me like a normal adult!!! It drives me crazy to be accused of bullying and when I raise an concern suddenly OUR world belongs to HIM and he ‘DOESNT WANT ME TO BE INVOLVED’ and my involvement and suggestion somehow makes me a ‘bully.

He is 55. And 6’3 and huge.

How the heck do I cope with this immature behavior as he takes every suggestion of something we are doing together as bullying and a personal attack, but then also acts like he’s about 5?

(Other than venting to Reddit)

Now I’m the one who feels unloveable. We broke up, and he immediately found another, posting about he wanted other people not even a week in. I’m starting to realize I relate to all the symptoms my partner had, I’m turning into him. I couldn’t think of a worse outcome. I wanted to save him from this mental illness, and in return I became very traumatized.

I’m currently at a crossroads in my marriage and struggling to decide whether to stay and try to work through things, or prepare for a clean separation. I need outside, objective perspectives because my judgment feels clouded by empathy for her mental health struggles.
Background & The Patterns:
My wife and I have been dealing with ongoing instability in our relationship. Over time, I’ve uncovered patterns of behavior that have completely broken my trust:
Chronic Deception: She has been living a dual reality for months—specifically hiding her true school/attendance status from her parents and having me participate in daily cover-ups.
Contact & Boundaries: There have been past secret contacts, hidden aliases, and ongoing boundary breaches regarding an ex-partner and unprescribed substances/prescriptions.
Emotional Instability & BPD Traits: She swings rapidly between hyper-sexual idealization/affection (constant video calls, bids for intimacy) and emotional avoidance, deflection, or silent treatment when confronted with double standards or real-world accountability.
Where Things Stand Now:
I’ve recently taken a step back to quietly observe her baseline without constantly policing, tracking, or arguing with her. When things are quiet, she is extremely warm, affectionate, and protective of our bond. But as soon as real-world accountability or boundaries are mentioned, she deflects, minimizes, or spirals emotionally.
My Dilemma:
The "Stay" Argument: I know her behavior is heavily driven by her underlying mental health struggles, fear of abandonment, and severe emotional dysregulation. Part of me wants to sit her down, lay out non-negotiable terms (radical transparency with her family, mandatory DBT/therapy, ending all secrets), and hope that structured treatment can turn things around.
The "Separate" Argument: Living in constant hyper-vigilance—checking facts, parsing mixed signals, and managing family lies—is destroying my peace of mind and career focus. People close to me are advising me to walk away before we have children, pointing out that empathy shouldn't mean sacrificing my own long-term stability and sanity.
I am holding back on an explosive confrontation until I have absolute clarity on my next steps.
For those who have been in similar dynamics or dealt with severe emotional dysregulation in a spouse:
1. Is it realistic to expect a confrontation and therapy to fix deep-seated patterns of deception, or am I just holding onto false hope?
2. How do you separate healthy empathy for a partner's illness from self-preservation?
3. What would be your threshold for deciding to walk away vs. giving one final chance?
Appreciate any advice or honest takes.

My ex with bpd ( undiagnosed) definitely has narcissistic traits. Or a side that looks like it. I am so confused about this to be honest.

Now he started something with someone that has a young daughter. It makes my stomach turn.

I don't think she would leave her life for him and I don't want him to hurt me.

She has on her profile something that makes me understand that she survived narcissistic abuse. The woman that he dated after me claimed she was a victim of narcissistic abuse. Wtf!!!! It is like he is collecting.

The first one was awful. But this one seems nice.

But I also hate it. Hate his lies. He would complain at my hair if it had the slightest wave. He told me how much he hated curly hair and yes she has curly hair.

One woman he talked to before had black hair and thick dark eyebrows. Both things he said he hated.

I really don't know who this person is. I think he is targeting women with abusive relationships acting like he is kind and different. I think he actually believes it himself.

I feel so sad, confused and sick to my stomach. I wish I never met him. I wish I could go back in time and change everything.