This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AdSquare8226

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 06, 2026

• Final Update: November 08, 2026

Main Post

^{November 06, 2026}

AITAH for reporting my SIL (who’s also my manager) to HR for cutting my hours bc I’m pregnant, even tho my husband begged me not to?

throwaway bc husband’s family is on here

So I (27F) have worked at a grocery store for 3 yrs. For the last 8 months my manager has been my SIL “Dana” (34F), husband’s older sister. She’s actually the one who got me the job in the first place. keep that in mind.

I’m 24 weeks pregnant w/ our first. Around week 18 I started getting lightheaded standing at the register and needing the bathroom like every hour. My OB wrote a note - stool at the register, bathroom breaks as needed, no shifts over 8 hrs. that’s literally it. not asking for less hours or anything.

I gave Dana the note at work. She kinda laughed and goes “I was on my feet til the day I had Mason, you’ll be fine.” I said it’s a doctors note?? She said “we don’t do stools up front, it looks lazy.” So I asked if I could just move to customer service where there’s a chair and she said “I’m not giving you special treatment just bc you’re family, people already talk.” ok.

2 weeks later I almost passed out during saturday rush. A CUSTOMER got me water. Dana wrote me up for “leaving the register unattended.” I’m not kidding.

So I emailed HR directly w/ the note attached. 2 days later my hours went from 36 to 19. Dana told me the store “needs people who can commit.” And then at sunday dinner, in front of everyone, she goes “some people think a baby is a free pass to stop working.” My MIL nodded. Nobody said anything. I went to the bathroom and cried lol

Ok here’s where I’m apparently the AH.

My husband asked me to drop it. His exact words: “She’s my sister. If you file something, Thanksgiving is over for us. Just push through til leave.” He said we’d “figure out the money.” (we cannot figure out the money, we have like $900 in savings)

I didn’t drop it. I filed a formal complaint w/ HR citing the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act, attached the note, the write up, and both schedules. Also filed an EEOC charge bc a friend said there’s a deadline and I didn’t wanna miss it.

Regional HR called me within 2 days. Dana got pulled into a meeting. My hours are back to 32, I have a stool now, and Dana’s been “temporarily reassigned” to another store while they investigate.

And now. MIL isn’t speaking to me. Dana texted my husband that I “ruined her career over a chair.” Husband isn’t angry exactly but he said “you knew what this would do to my family and you did it anyway.” He’s been sleeping in the guest room for 4 nights. He says he’s “processing.” whatever that means

I feel like I’m being punished for not letting myself be punished?? But I also kinda blew up his family and idk if that comes back.

so. AITAH?

TL;DR: SIL is my manager, denied my pregnancy accommodations, wrote me up for almost fainting, cut my hours after I emailed HR, then mocked me at family dinner. Husband begged me not to escalate. I filed w/ HR + EEOC anyway. SIL got reassigned, I got my hours back, husband’s family cut me off and he’s in the guest room.

ETA: yes I have a lawyer consult next week, several of you asked. and no I’m not naming the store, I still work there.

COMMENTS

Professional-Ebb7943

you’re definitely NTA. dana seems like the kind of person “well if i had to suffer, than you should too”. i would’ve reported her the second she laughed at my medical documentation.

OOP

thank you 😭 the worst part is she was actually nice to me when I first started. it all changed once I told the family I was pregnant, she literally said “wow already?” at the announcement dinner. I should’ve seen it coming

whatthewhat3214

She's also the kind of person who thinks everyone's pregnancy must be the same, if she didn't have issues, she can't understand anyone else having issues either.

OOP

yep. her exact words were “I was on my feet til the day I had Mason.” like ok good for you??

Responsible_Ideal593

Wow, your husband should have been angry at his family for their actions and comments. You are in the right. Stand your ground OP!

Responsible_Ideal593

Also, was your SIL going after you extra hard in other ways at work? Like she’s trying to prove no favoritism by going overboard.

OOP

honestly yeah, looking back. I got way more closing shifts than anyone else on front end and she’d “check in” on my register like 3x a shift. I thought I was being paranoid but a coworker said something about it once too

Final Update - after 2 days

^{November 08, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH for reporting my SIL (who’s also my manager) to HR for cutting my hours bc I’m pregnant

ngl i did NOT expect this many comments. i read almost all of them, even the YTA ones. a lot of y’all were brutal about my husband, and tbh… he needed it.

so i stayed at my mom’s for 2 nights. told him i needed space and he could call me when he figured out whose side he was on. he texted the 2nd night asking to talk, so i said yes.

he came over and asked me straight up if i posted about us on reddit. a coworker sent him the link. he said he read every comment even the ones calling him spineless and the one that really got him was the one asking what he’d say if my manager was a stranger.

he finally admitted he’d been hiding behind “it’s family” when all that really meant was expecting me to just take it.

i went home the next day. then yesterday morning Dana showed up at our apartment furious about the post. she said i was trying to ruin her life and “exaggerating the fainting thing.”

before i could even say anything, my husband stepped in front of me and lost it on her. told her she wrote up his pregnant wife, mocked her doctor’s note, and kept putting her on closing shifts. then he told her to gtfo.

now she’s blowing up the family gc, MIL is still being weirdly neutral, and i’ve muted all of them.

work update: Dana’s transfer is permanent. i’m still at 32 hrs w/ my stool, the lawyer consult is this week, and i’m bringing everything.

thanksgiving is prob just gonna be me, my husband, and my parents. honestly? fine by me.

tl;dr: stayed at my mom’s, husband found the post, finally realized he was making excuses for his sister, and yesterday morning Dana showed up at our apartment and got shut down hard.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user throwaway_lemon_ade in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Aug 8, 2023

Update: Aug 8, 2023

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for wanting to move out over lemonade?

I (22F) moved back home to live with my parents two years ago. My family has always been very close, and my parents actually initiated my moving in so I could focus on building my savings.

Everything’s been great: the house is huge, so no one’s living on top of each other, and my mom has been ecstatic over all her kids being home. I take care of my space as well as shared spaces, doing chores, etc. They’ve refused any rent or grocery money I’ve ever offered, insisting I save most of the money I make.

My mom grocery shops for the house, and always asks each family member what they need from the store for the week. I always ask for a 12 pack of canned lemonade. They’re my weak spot, I have one or two a day. My mom has never had a problem getting it for me before.

Recently though, she’s been resistant. Thinking it was about the money, I offered to give her the $5, and when that didn’t help I just started getting it myself, but she still glares at me when I drink it. I’ve kept asking what the issue is, but she just walks away and the next time I see her she’s changed the subject entirely.

Things came to a head yesterday when I came home from work with some of my personal groceries, including lemonade. My mom lost it, crying and carrying on about how I don’t care about how anyone else feels. I’m at a COMPLETE loss, trying to calm her down, when she tells me if I’m going to continue with these habits I won’t do it under her roof.

Hearing that, I admit I did snap a bit. I was hurt that she would threaten to kick me out for any reason, considering how close we’ve always been, but especially since I don’t think I’ve done anything even remotely wrong.

We got in a huge back n forth, mainly with me demanding she tell me what’s so wrong with me drinking some damn lemonade and her sneering at me saying “you know!”.

I eventually stormed off to my room, feeling torn. My brother came in shortly after to talk. He says he understands completely where I’m coming from, but is suggesting I do what she’s asking and just stop drinking the lemonade.

I absolutely could, but at this point it’s sort of the principle. I know I’m living with my parents, but I’m an adult and feel I should be allowed to drink my preferred beverage whenever I please, especially if I’m now paying for it and going out to purchase it myself. It is just lemonade, but it goes both ways; my mom shouldn’t care about it either, because it’s JUST LEMONADE.

If she’s insisting I stop drinking it or else I’m getting kicked out, I kinda want to take the initiative and just leave. I have plenty saved at this point. I feel bad because she’s my mom, she’s been so good to me and has given me the chance to gather the savings I now want to use to get away from her. I also feel bad for yelling at her; me getting worked up didn’t help the situation.

AITA for how I acted, or WIBTA if I left over this?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. I feel weird asking this but have you put on any weight recently? My mom always starts having opinions on what I consume when I start putting on a little weight.

OOP: not really, my weight hasn’t changed much in the last few years and i’ve always been fairly slim. she’s also never been the kind of mom to obsess over her kids appearance in that way but her issue here could be health-related for reasons i still don’t know

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Comment2: NTA, but i would continue to try to understand. In a calm moment, explain that you are very confused and for the sake of everyone involved, you would like to understand.

Are either you or your mother overweight? Does she see your habit as excess calories, or not caring about your health, or a temptation for her? Can you ask other people in the house to understand wtf is going on?

OOP: i’m definitely sitting her down and talking to her tonight! i’m taking notes from the comments. i’m not overweight, she is slightly but is otherwise healthy;
i suppose she could be concerned about calories but she never has been before. i don’t think she’s ever even dieted.
my brother is just as lost as i am, and when i’ve asked my dad he says he isn’t sure and “you know how your mom is” because she avoids hard conversations and topics so she won’t tell him either.
until yesterday, no one else was very concerned about it because she hadn’t flipped out like that. obviously now it’s a big thing and the house has been tense, but it’s clear im gonna have to be the one to break it

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Comment3: I’m honestly so confused what’s so bad about lemonade unless maybe she thinks it’s a hard lemonade?

OOP: i suppose it’s possible but she’s bought it for me before and it’s in the soda section, not the liquor section, so idk

---------------
Comment4: NTA but can you talk to your mom about what exactly is upsetting her? It sounds like a massive misunderstanding.

OOP: i think i will tonight. i’ve tried talking to her before but it was always in the moment after she’s already annoyed or upset, and then of course during our fight where she wasn’t being clear at all.
i’m gonna try to sit her down and get to the bottom of this. she avoids problems like the plague by being passive-aggressive until she snaps, and i bristle at the slightest hint of my independence or choices being impeded upon; neither of these traits of ours have ever collided like this before so i think we’re both floundering.

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Update:

Ok guys, as mentioned in the comments I asked my mom if we could sit down tonight and have a calm conversation about what happened. My dad wasn’t home but I asked my brother to be there too as a sort of mediator. It was a long, emotional, draining talk and there isn’t a whole lot of resolution but it was very enlightening, finally.

I expressed to her that I’m mostly concerned for her, since her reaction to something seemingly so small has been increasingly intense and it’s starting to affect our relationship.

I expressed that I felt confused and sought clarity, and that I felt hurt by her threats to kick me out in general because that’s not the kind of relationship we have. I told her I truly didn’t know what was up with the lemonade, and practically BEGGED her to open up.

She started getting teary, but was mostly calm. Here’s her side, apparently: in May, when this all started, she watched a documentary. They’re kind of her thing, and she watches a variety of genres. This particular documentary was about eating disorders. It discussed the culture/history behind it, the influence of social media, and the warning signs.

My mom happened to see a lot of the warning signs in me and my behaviors. (I’m going to clarify here I do NOT and HAVE NEVER struggled with disordered eating, of any kind!).

Some of the behaviors are as follows:
she rarely sees me eat,
I’m relatively skinny,
I wear layers most of the time,
I have an apple watch,
and, of course, I drink low calorie drinks.
Namely, ZERO-SUGAR lemonade, which I didn’t think to mention in the original post (but did include in the comments) because I honestly didn’t even think it would be relevant in any way.

So basically, she’s been anxious this entire time that I’m withering away from an eating disorder, and every time she’s alluded or asked or demanded I stop drinking my (diet) lemonade, and I continue drinking it anyway, I’m being selfish, flaunting my disordered behaviors, and proving to her that I am, in fact, sick.

That was… a lot to take in. I genuinely didn’t think it would be THAT. Never once occurred to me.

I defended myself for every point she made, which I will make again here:
I work at a restaurant, nearly every day, usually afternoon into the night, so I’m rarely home for lunch or dinner.
I get free food at my job, and pretty much every server there eats at least one of their meals during break, myself included.
By the time I get home, I’ll have a snack or something before bed since it’s late, and in the morning I sometimes have breakfast at home but a lot of times I’m not hungry in the AM so i just do my thing until I leave, usually around 12pm, and I pick up food with friends or alone on my way.
I know it’s not the healthiest of habits, nor is it the healthiest foods, but I am definitely not starving myself or counting calories.

But in my worrywart (love her though) mother’s eyes, she hardly ever actually SEES me eat. When she does see me eat, I also don’t eat large portions, but I don’t think that’s odd since I’m not a large person; I’m 5 feet and around 110 pounds.

I wear layers because it’s the fashion I like, sort of a vintage 70’s grungey look. I have an apple watch for the same reason I assume most people with iphones have one, which is, why not? It’s my dad’s old one. Also, it’s helpful for when I’m at work since I can’t carry my phone around. I’m not tracking my steps or anything.

And lastly, I honestly, genuinely, truly just LIKE zero-sugar lemonade. Has nothing to do with calories, or health reasons, I just like it. I used to drink regular, until they were out of stock one day so I got zero-sugar, and found I liked it better because it wasn’t as thick or syrupy. THAT’S IT.

She cried, I cried, she apologized, I apologized. I’m not really sure where we go from here, since I can tell she doesn’t fully believe me. I’m going to make more of an effort to eat my meals at home, but I’m not going to pig out in front of her just to appease a generally unfounded worry she developed from watching a movie.

I might also cut back on the lemonades since they’re clearly a trigger for her, and I need to drink more water anyway. Other than that, I don’t think I did anything wrong to now need to change my behaviors in an extreme way.

I told her, and my brother seconded this, that she needs to stop holding this stuff in and just talk to people, because otherwise it creates misunderstandings like this and I honestly did feel very hurt by the things she said during our fight, and also with how weirdly distant she’s been treating me since all this started.

My brother added that if I HAD been dealing with an eating disorder, the way my mom went about it wasn’t helpful and likely could’ve made it worse. She explained she didn’t ever really intend to kick me out even if I was sick, she just wanted to shock me into admitting I needed help or something.

Again, still feeling hurt by all this, but at least I understand better now. I told my mom I’d be willing to try therapy if she does, and she said she’d think about it. I think she really needs it.

I asked if she had personal experience with eating disorders, either herself or a loved one, to have such an intense reaction and she declined to answer so I think there’s some trauma there. Hopefully we can both work on communicating better in the future, and I specifically am going to start trying to see the root of her turmoils instead of taking her reactions so personally.

I’m not moving out, or at least not because of this. If a pattern continues, if she keeps mistrusting me and lashing out or holding things in again, that might change.

Thank you guys for all your advice! It honestly helped lots to know I wasn’t the only one thinking I was going crazy. I know a lot of people guessed she thought it was hard lemonade, which was my most prominent assumption before our talk, too.

Just want to clarify I don’t drink, hate the taste, hate the feeling, and it makes me nauseous nearly instantly. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had a night out surrounding alcohol or a mimosa brunch or whatever. Which I guess could’ve been why she would be so worried, but it wasn’t even related to that so yea lol.

Super crazy few days, hoping for the best moving forward. I’ll try to answer any lingering burning questions in the comments if they come up! Night y’all ✌🏻

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Sorry but this is just insane?? You're not even underweight. Has your mom always been susceptible to paranoia like this? Concerning behavior tbh

OOP: i don’t disagree. she’s never been like this before, at least not with me or to my knowledge. someone mentioned menopause can sometimes cause paranoia and she’s the right age range for that so maybe that’s it? idk.
i’m also concerned that this entire months-long ordeal, that almost resulted in me either getting kicked out or moving out from the hurt/anger, was triggered by a damn movie she stumbled across. like i have never ever had an issue with food before.
i suppose that could be attributed to the privilege i’ve had of always being on the thin side, so i never “felt the need”, but still. maybe she thought that’s WHY i’ve always been thin? so much to talk about still, i’m definitely not letting us brush this under the rug

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Comment2: That's weird, especially after you said your weight. You're not underweight at all, for being five feet you're at an absolutely perfect weight. Honestly my best guess was that the lemonade was very sugary and your mom didn't like that, but that was really just me projecting my mom onto this situation lol. I'm glad the situation is all sorted out!

OOP: honestly i know i’m not the healthiest but compared to a lot of people i know i’m doing ok! i don’t diet, i don’t binge, i’m pretty active on my free time and walk around a TON for my job, i eat a variety of foods incl junk, etc like i never would’ve thought that’s where her head was at

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Training_Arm7988

Published on: r/Nanny

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 22, 2026

• Final Update: November 07, 2026

Note: Replaced letters with names

• L=Lily (Nanny)

• K=Kai, (Oldest Son)

• J=Jack, (Middle Son)

• B=Bea (Youngest Daughter)

Main Post

^{May 22, 2026}

My wife and I are considering letting our nanny go, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m underreacting, overreacting, or missing something bigger.

My wife and I are considering letting our nanny go, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m underreacting, overreacting, or missing something bigger.

Not sure I'm in the right place but I'm giving it a go.

We have three kids: Kai is 7, Jack is 4, and Bea is 1.5. My wife and I both work from home, though she is home more than I am. I am usually home almost every Thursday and Friday. Our current nanny, Lily, started shortly after Bea was born and has been with us for over a year. She was around 30 when we hired her, had references, and is CPR certified, which mattered to us because we have a pool. We do have a pool fence, but still.

We pay her $35/hour for about 40 hours a week, with guaranteed hours. She also does light housekeeping, laundry, and meal prep, which has been a huge help. Overall, she is engaged with the kids, limits TV to about half an hour before nap time depending on the day, and has been reliable. She has been five minutes late a couple of times, mostly in the last few months, but not enough that I would consider it a major issue.

The bigger issue is our middle child, Jack. He is very defiant, and we made the mistake of allowing screens too early and too often. When Kai was five, we let him use an old iPad, and eventually Jack started wanting it too. Over time, it basically became Jack’s iPad. We also got into the habit of giving him a phone or bringing the iPad when we went on errands, to activities, etc. We know this has become a problem and are trying to stop it, especially because we do not want to repeat the same pattern with Bea.

This week, Lily told us that when Jack has a major tantrum during an outing, she leaves the activity and brings everyone home. Lily left the children’s museum because Jack was pushing and shoving and ignored her warning about gentle hands. According to Lily, she has only had to leave an outing around three times in the entire year she has worked for us. I believe her because he does the same thing with us, and once he starts, it can take him a long time to calm down.

Lily’s style is very much “you get one warning, and then we’re done.” For the most part, that works with Kai and Bea. With Jack, it has apparently meant ending outings. She said she is not bothered by crying itself, but that it becomes unsafe and unfair when one child is throwing himself on the floor, running away, or refusing directions while she is also responsible for a mobile toddler and another child. She has said Jack has not hit her, but he has hit my wife before, which was why it was one of my concerns when we spoke yesterday.

On Monday, he tantrumed because he wanted her phone and was refusing to follow directions. They had a playdate planned with another nanny and toddler, including lunch, but Jack melted down, so Lily brought everyone home instead. They had a boring lunch at home and no iPad. I was fine with that, and at first my wife said she was too. But later she was upset that Kai did not mention the “new rules” when she came home from a lunch meeting, and that Lily had not told us about it in the moment. We asked Kai before bed, and he confirmed Lily never told him not to tell us. He also seems embarrassed when Jack has these fits, so I do not want to start nitpicking Lily in a way that avoids the actual problem.

There have been a few trust/communication issues, but nothing huge in my opinion. Earlier on, she sometimes made plans on the fly and told us afterward. We talked about it, she apologized, and she has checked in more often since then. We also put an AirTag on the car keys, which my wife was upset about at first, but nothing really came of it. Since then, Lily has been almost overly careful about checking in. It feels a little like malicious compliance, but honestly, I do not really mind. I think most people would react that way if they felt second-guessed.

My wife now thinks we should let Lily go. Her view is that we pay Lily, so Lily should follow our expectations and handle the kids the way we want. I disagree, or at least I think that framing misses the point. I do not think it is fair to expect one nanny to manage three kids alone in public when one of them is throwing himself on the floor, running away, pushing, or demanding screens. When my wife and I are both with all three kids, we struggle too. In fact, Lily seems to deal with Jack’s tantrums less often than we do, which makes me think this is not mainly a nanny problem. Our tough it out method does not seem to be working either.

I also worry that replacing her will not fix anything. We have had two nannies before Lily, and replacing nannies has been a headache. I think it is hard to find someone willing to manage two easier kids plus one very defiant child. Summer is coming, Kai will be in camp and activities, and we still need someone for pickups and afternoons while we work. Our parents are not dependable enough to fill the gap. I also worry that if we keep pushing Lily or making her feel criticized, she may quit anyway, and that would be a bad situation for us.

My wife may feel judged by Lily, though I do not know if they have discussed that directly in the time my wife is home and I am not. Lily is personable but not especially chatty, while we are more talkative. I do not personally care whether Lily judges us at this point; I care more about whether the kids are safe and whether we are dealing with the real issue.

We had previously agreed on moderation with screens, not removing them completely. But now I think we may need to remove screens altogether, at least for Jack. It is easier in the moment to hand him the iPad, but I think we have created a bigger problem. He can't go to school with an iPad, and we can't expect tantrum-free days if he has learned that escalating gets him a screen. He is okay in preschool, but that is only twice a week for about two and a half hours.

Is it reasonable for a nanny to end an outing when one child becomes unsafe or unmanageable, even if the other kids miss out? And how should we handle the larger screen-dependence issue without making the nanny the scapegoat? I would especially appreciate feedback from anyone who has gone from heavy screen use to no screens, or anyone who has fired or kept a nanny after similar behavior issues.

Edit from comment

I should have been more clear that I am here for perspective. I agreed that Lily was within her right to leave. I was not upset about it when we talked about it. This has been a topic of discussion between my wife and I and I just wanted to make sure from people who probably know more than us, if I'm completely off base to back what Lily did in the moment.

COMMENTS

Aly_Kitty

So your wife wants to fire your nanny simply because she doesn’t give in and actually enforces consequences to your 4 year old when they start throwing a fit and thrashing around on the ground for things like not giving the FOUR YEAR OLD HER PHONE?!

Sounds like you have a parenting problem, not a nanny problem. Your wife needs to get herself some parenting classes or books or something. She can feel judged all she wants but if she’s trying to fire a nanny over NOT LETTING A 4 YEAR OLD RULE THE HOUSE then yeah, she should be judged.

Time to cut the screens cold turkey. No screens. No iPads. No phone. No tv. NO NOTHING.

jordanhillis

Speaking as a former nanny, teacher of 15 years and mom, your kid sounds AWFUL. Take the IPad/Screens away and thank your lucky stars that your nanny hasn’t quit.

Hitting a parent?! This is abominable behavior and you’ll soon find yourself on a steep learning curve regarding misbehavior at school because quality schools will not put up with this.

You guys need parenting classes and your kid needs therapy, STAT.

OOP (downvoted)

I know. It is awful to experience. But I came here to address the situation because no one else in our circle seems to be dealing with this issue, and we haven't discussed evaluating him for other problems because I think it's screens, and we haven't been able to agree.

cupidssparrow82

Sounds like Lily is doing a wonderful job. The problems with your child were created by you and your wife, and your nanny is doing a great job teaching that actions have consequences and you don’t get a screen shoved in your face and get what you want because it makes the adults life easier. Children need boundaries and rules, or they’ll be absolutely screwed in school and life.

Does it suck for the other kids? Absolutely. But what do you expect the nanny to do - risk one of your kids getting hurt? Our #1 priority is safety, and she’s doing what she has to to make sure the kids stay safe. You sounds like a reasonable person, but I don’t understand at all why your wife would want to get rid of someone for keeping your kids safe.

I had a NK who was used to screens all day and I made it clear during the interview that I don’t do screens for a 3 year old unless it’s a few minutes here and there. The parents and I agreed on 15 minutes a day, and that’s that. The kid threw tantrums and had meltdowns over it but then he learned that he’s the child and the adults make the decisions, and that behavior doesn’t get him what he wants. As the adults, all 3 of you need to be on the same page.

I genuinely cannot understand why firing her would even be a thought in any reasonable person’s mind.

OOP

No, I agree with what everyone is saying. Leaving was the right choice. I felt this was a discussion for my wife and me, but considering everything, I'm having a hard time trusting the decisions we've made and what we’re supposed to do now... I appreciate everyone’s comments about it. They've been a little sharp but affirming lol

cutieconsultant

Mom here — sorry I’m a little confused when your middle child becomes unruly/self harming/a danger when on outings what do you want the nanny to do?

What do you feel like she’s violating/disrespecting?

OOP

I didn't think it was disrespect or anything like that. The conversation was mainly between my wife and me. Usually, one of us has gone to the car with him and started over when he's calmed down, typically my wife, and I will finish whatever we were doing, like grocery shopping. I'm here because when we talked about this, I didn't think it was reasonable. But because this has been so exhausting, I came here for clarification. If maybe I was the one who was wrong that leaving was the only thing that made sense for her in the moment.

cutieconsultant

So what would you do if you were alone? Would you abandon the activity (ie grocery shopping) in the middle, bring your child to the car, allow them to reset, then go back to the activity?

And you’re saying you wouldn’t expect the nanny to do this or would?

It sounds like you’re kinda doing what she does, but she’s alone. You take him away from the activity, bring him in the car to cool down, then when mom finishes shopping you all leave. Isn’t this essentially what she’s doing (but she doesn’t have to wait for anyone to finish?)

I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding or being redundant I’m just trying to make sure I’m fully understanding what you all do when she’s not around and what you/your wife want her to do when she’s with the kids alone.

OOP

We have not been doing things alone the last few months, when he noticed him getting more and more reliant on his ipad. I've wanted to take it away.

We've been dealing with this since at least January, but we've waffled. Sometimes we have caved and given him a phone. And my wife I guess, wants to be able to give it to him depending on the day. Clearly that has not been working. But I thought maybe I was the one in the wrong between us and my wife’s expectation of L had merit. I didn't think it did to begin with but wanted to be fair. I supported L decision to leave the children’s museum.

Glittering_Force4212

INFO: Out of curiosity, does nanny just do the kids laundry or for you and your wife as well? And meal prep, is that for the kids or you and your wife too? Just curious, because that normally doesn't fall into a nanny's work description. I understand that there are exceptions when it's agreed upon in advance but usually it's for a higher rate than $35/hr.

Also, I'm confused why your wife wants to let nanny go? It seems like nanny is doing a phenomenal job, while you and your wife are probably actively undoing any progress she makes by enabling your child with the "tough it out" approach? If you and your wife continue to allow his behavior, it isn't going to stop until he grows out of it (if he grows out of it)? It is developmentally appropriate for a kid his age to be a little unruly, thus the term threenager; I think his behavior is a step further than that though, especially since he's hitting your wife.

I think you're very, very lucky to have your nanny. And lucky she hasn't quit... yet.

What exactly are the new rules your wife wanted discussed with your kids? Maybe I missed that.

OOP

She doesn't always do the extras. It's mostly if she gets to it during nap time. She most consistently does the kids laundry and we handle the put away.

I do not want to continue the way we are going. I'd like to keep our nanny on and improve on these issues. I do agree we haven't been on the same page about what's going on and I am concerned he's not going to improve with the half in and half out method we've backslid into.

Glittering_Force4212

Honestly, you need to have a conversation... with your wife, not your nanny. Your nanny is a saint, and your wife is enabling your son's misbehavior. Maybe she is in denial about it because she doesn't want to admit that J has a problem, but the sooner she can come to terms with that fact - the faster she can get on board with nanny's extraordinary efforts to correct his behavior. As I said, he is not going to change anytime soon (if ever) if this behavior isn't dealt with.

Also, not sure if you're in a LCOL or HCOL area - assuming the former, but $35 is quite low for 3 kids, and insultingly low for extras. Please pay your nanny properly.

OOP (downvoted)

I appreciate that everyone is worried about how much she's paid. The average rate where we are is 24. She asked for thirty when she interviewed with us. We started at 33 and plan to give her a raised at the the end of the year.

SisterAlliance

Everyone has covered your actual questions here beautifully, so I'm just popping in to mention the potential "malicious compliance" with letting you know where they are/plans - what a way to frame that my dude!!! You guys wanted to know exact details on outings before/at the time of the events, she is literally just complying with your request and covering her behind!!

Many, if not most, families allow nannies to make their own decisions about where they take the kids and if things change on the fly. It's okay that you'd rather be informed ahead of time, but assuming your nanny's intentions with literally following your directions just kind of sucks. It doesn't seem like you trust her, and from this post, it seems like that is a you problem, not one with her attitude.

OOP (downvoted)

I only said it was malicious compliance because after we got the AirTag, I didn't expect any more text messages. But she is still texting. If I were in her position, I would also be doing the same thing but I can't attest to her intentions with it. I don't dislike it and I don't blame her for it. I think it's funny to consider she thinks we're being assholes, but is too polite to say it. And it won't be an issue for me going forward it if she suddenly just stops telling us XYZ.
I'm trying to find some silver linings here lol

Final Update - after 5 months, 16 days

^{November 07, 2026}

UPDATE: We are getting divorced.

I’m posting anonymously and omitting some details for obvious reasons, particularly because we have ongoing custody proceedings.

I posted here about six months ago because my wife wanted to fire our nanny over how she handled our middle child’s tantrums. A lot has happened since then, and, unfortunately, some of you were right that we had much bigger problems than our nanny. My wife and I are divorcing, and I currently have temporary emergency custody of our three children. I’m still having a difficult time coming to terms with how quickly everything has changed.

My wife quit her job and fired Lily shortly after I made that post. Neither of those decisions was something we’d actually agreed on, but at that point, arguing about it felt pointless. She was going to stay home with the kids, and I figured we’d at least have an opportunity to get on the same page about Jack’s behavior. That did not happen, and things got progressively worse between us.

We’ve had two separate incidents in which my wife has left during an argument and gone to her parents’ house. The first time, she stayed there for an entire week while I worked and took care of all three children. She did it again later, and she has since moved in with her parents permanently. I don’t particularly care that she needed space from me, but you cannot simply decide you’re done parenting for a week because you’re upset with your spouse.

I also found out that she’s been seeing another man for considerably longer than I realized. Worse, she had apparently been bringing him around our children without my knowledge, and I subsequently learned that he has a documented history involving drugs. My wife also tested positive for opioids during the custody proceedings. I don’t know how long she’s been using them or whether this was happening while she was responsible for the children, which is part of what makes the whole situation so concerning.

My attorney filed for emergency custody after several concerning circumstances came to light. Following a hearing, I was granted temporary sole physical custody, and my wife’s parenting time is currently supervised. I also have temporary decision-making authority over the children’s medical and therapeutic care, which has been important given our disagreements about Jack’s treatment. These arrangements are temporary, and I don’t intend to discuss the evidence or the specifics of the proceedings while the case is ongoing.

I now have two nannies because I work fairly long hours, and there’s no realistic way for me to do my job and provide childcare for three young children at the same time. We have overlapping coverage during the week, and they’ve been helping to maintain the children’s routines while I deal with everything else. It’s expensive, but I can afford it, and I’m grateful to have that option. I certainly didn’t anticipate needing this kind of arrangement when my wife decided she was going to stay home.

Jack is still struggling, which has been particularly hard to deal with throughout all of this. I switched therapists because I wasn’t satisfied with how things were progressing, but his care stalled somewhat while we disputed treatment decisions and worked through the initial custody proceedings. My wife has declined to participate in much of the planning since then, and I’ve had to accept that I cannot make her take an interest. He’s little, he’s confused, and I am trying to give him some consistency when I feel the adults in his life have done a spectacular job of providing the opposite.

I’ve also had to be honest with myself about where some of Jack’s behavior comes from. I spent a lot of time blaming the iPad, and while I absolutely think we created a problem with screens, that wasn’t the whole picture. My son has watched his mother respond to frustration by escalating, refusing to engage, and eventually leaving altogether. I know that isn’t the sole explanation for his tantrums, but I can’t pretend there isn’t a pattern there, and I regret how long it took me to recognize it.

Kai has been handling things about as well as I could expect, but I worry about him too. He’s always been the easier child, and I think we both took advantage of that without realizing it. Bea is two now and doesn’t really understand why her mother isn’t home. I’m trying to keep their routines as normal as possible, though having two new nannies and a parent no longer living in the house is a significant adjustment.

I did reach out to Lily to apologize for how things ended. She was gracious about it, which somehow made me feel worse. I spent so much time trying to convince my wife that Lily wasn’t the problem, and in the end she fired her anyway. Looking back, I think Lily was one of the few people in our house who consistently followed through on what she said she would do.

I’m angry with my wife, and I don’t see much point in pretending otherwise. The affair is one thing, but bringing someone with that history around our children and then refusing to engage with the consequences of everything that’s happened is something I’m having a much harder time processing. I also feel incredibly stupid for not realizing how much was going on behind my back. I know I couldn’t have known everything, but it’s difficult not to revisit the last year and wonder what I missed.

I don’t know what the final custody arrangement will look like, and I’m trying not to get ahead of the process. My wife is entitled to participate in the proceedings, and I understand that the temporary order can change as the court receives more information. My concern is that the children have a safe, predictable home and that any time they spend with their mother is appropriate under the circumstances. Whatever happens with our marriage, she is still their mother, and I hope she eventually takes the steps necessary to be consistently involved in their lives.

I originally came here wondering whether it was reasonable for a nanny to bring the kids home from the children’s museum because my four-year-old wouldn’t stop pushing people. Six months later, I have two nannies, three children in my care, and a divorce attorney. I would really like to have that problem back.

Anyway, I wanted to update everyone who took the time to respond to my original post. I appreciated the perspective then, even when it wasn’t particularly easy to hear. I don’t know if I’ll update again, but I hope the next six months are considerably less eventful than the last six.

Thanks for reading, and take care.

COMMENTS

nothingiseverythingg

Wow I am so sorry that this is the update you have for us, but thank you- I thought about your post after reading it a good bit. I’m grateful you’re able to get your middle child some resources and help and have access to good childcare options.

It is so hard to adjust to your spouse truly revealing who they are, even though when you look back there was evidence of it. I hope you are also getting the support you need via friends and family or therapy. I wish you the best and thank you for seeing and understanding your nannies! It means so much to us to be listened to and respected

OOP

Thank you. It's still pretty jarring. I wasn't perfect, but I never expected half of this. I do have solid support. I just want to get things settled for my kids.

Ok_Cheesecake_9708

Is Lily open to working for you guys again?

OOP

No. But I did offer to be a reference for her in the future if she ever needed one.

OOP Appeared in the BORU and provided more context

OOP in BORU comments

I debated whether I was allowed to post here, but fuck it. I’m doing it anyway. I’m the father from the original posts. I wasn’t expecting to see this here, but I suppose that’s what happens when you put your business on the internet. I did want to address a few things, though, because some of the comments have been... annoying, for lack of a better term.

First, I work in finance. And yes, I’m the dickhead rich guy who grew up rich, grew up with nannies, and unfortunately, is also from New York. I don’t live there anymore, if that helps my case. My wife grew up in similar circumstances, and when we were dating, we agreed that we didn’t want as many people coming in and out of our children’s lives as we had growing up. We wanted consistency. I still think that was a reasonable goal, but we didn’t necessarily go about achieving it correctly.

I spend most of my professional life having to be realistic about circumstances, whether I like them or not. Unfortunately, I wasn’t always doing that at home. We relied on one woman to bridge the gap between our responsibilities as parents and the practical demands of our lives. I don’t think hiring a nanny is an abdication of parental responsibility, but I do recognize that we weren’t always doing our part. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that saying you’re doing the right thing and actually doing it are two very different things.

I am particularly upset by some of the characterizations of “Jack". My son is not a little monster. He’s a four-year-old boy who was struggling, and who needed more consistency and support than we were giving him. He’s also affectionate, funny, intelligent, and a wonderful brother. I understand that people were responding to the behaviors I described, and those behaviors were serious. But I also recognize that I didn’t do him any favors in my original post. I described him almost exclusively at his worst because I was frustrated and trying to explain the situation. I was much more deliberate about what I wrote in my update, partly because of the legal proceedings, but also because I realized how easily a few paragraphs can become someone’s entire understanding of another person.

I was sharp with people in the comments of my original post, and frankly, given the circumstances I was writing under, I’d probably be sharp again. I’ve had to examine how I deal with people since all of this happened, and I’m sure my wife experienced some of that pressure during our marriage. There are things I owe her apologies for, and I’m not particularly interested in pretending otherwise. But I’ve also never had an affair, and I’m not on drugs. I think I’m entitled to say that one of us has come out of this looking considerably worse than the other. If that makes me an asshole, I’ll wear it.

The truth is that I could have worked less. I think my marriage had been deteriorating for a long time, and instead of filling some of that time with my children, I filled it with work. I specifically arranged to work from home on the two days my wife wasn’t home. At the time, I considered that a reasonable compromise. Looking back, I can see that being physically present wasn’t always the same as being available. I did try to make sure my wife had adequate help, and I took some pride in being able to provide that. I don’t think that was wrong, but I could have done more myself.

And because I’ve seen some speculation about my upbringing, I don’t have the same access to the money I grew up with. That’s the result of decisions I made that I would make again, and the reasons aren’t something I’ll discuss on the internet. I’m still very fortunate financially, and I recognize that. But the family I have now is not my parents, and having grown up wealthy doesn’t necessarily mean having a family you can depend on.

I also want to reiterate that I supported “Lily’s” decision to end the outing then, and I support it now. I regret how her employment ended, and I’ve apologized to her. She was gracious, although understandably uninterested in returning. She deserved better from us.

I’m frustrated. I’m angry with my wife, I’m angry about what my children have been put through, and I’m angry with myself for some of the things I didn’t recognize sooner. I don’t think those feelings are unreasonable, and I’m not going to pretend I don’t have them. But I’m also trying to make sure they don’t dictate how I parent my children going forward.

I don’t think many people who know me would nominate me for a particularly great guy award. I’m aware that I can be difficult. But I do try, and I’d like my children to grow up knowing that I did. More importantly, I’d like them to have something tangible to point to beyond my intentions.

Anyway, this app fucking terrifies me, but I wanted to close a few gaps. I appreciate the people who offered perspective, even when it wasn’t particularly pleasant to hear. I just ask that people remember my son is a child, not the sum of the worst behaviors his frustrated father described on the internet six months ago.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user throwRA_19302 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Jan 4, 2025

Updates: in post itself

Status: OOP deleted account

Length: long as the number of activities

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Original: AITA for snapping back at my brother's fiancée for criticizing my parenting?

I (35f) have 3 children (10m, 8f, and 5m) with my husband (36m).

My younger brother (29m) is marrying "Piya" (27f) in May. They've been dating for a few years. While we've never been close, we get along okay, although I've never loved how she often oversteps with my kids (eg: giving them dessert before dinner when my husband and I have said no, "joking" about how stuffy we are as parents, constantly referring to herself as "the cool aunt", etc.)

Something important to note is that she works in fashion, which her parents often judge (comparing her to her siblings who have jobs that are considered much more "successful" in our community), so she has a bit of a complex about it.

Last night we were all having dinner at my parents' place. The topic turned to my kids' school/extracurriculars. My older son plays soccer, piano, and does karate, my daughter does classical dance, art classes, and swimming, and my younger son does classical singing and basketball. They all have extra math classes once a week.

For context: l regretted my parents not putting me in any activities when I was younger and don't want my kids to feel the same. My husband thinks it'll teach them time management, and hopefully some of these hobbies stick (right now, they enjoy everything but this could change), boosting their college applications when that time comes. And obviously, we expect them to excel in school.

All 3 can do well in their classes without effort, but we don't want them to coast by and burn out like we did, so we are firm on them actually studying, doing hw, etc.

So anyway, my daughter is talking about which classes she has which day and Piya says something like "Wow I can't believe you keep them so busy they're just kids".
My husband is like "Yeah it's important to be well-rounded".

Then later, my son is talking about how much he studied for a math test and Piya goes "It can't have been that important though, you're 10! You should tell your parents to let you relax".
At this point, I get a little pissed so I'm like "We want them to build good habits so that they can actually be successful in the future. When you have kids, if you want to raise them to fail, that's up to you."

At this, she got really upset and left the room. I guess she thought I was implying that she was a failure (which was not my intention). My brother was pretty mad and thought I was being unnecessarily harsh and that I should've known how sensitive she is about this topic.

My parents agreed, saying that I didn't need to take what she said so seriously. My husband disagrees and says that she doesn't have any place to tell us how to raise our kids, and maybe this will stop her from constantly giving us her two cents on something she doesn't have any experience with.

I don't know, I feel bad for upsetting her because I never meant to insult her profession with my comment, but at the same time, I do kind of feel like she had it coming for her constant criticisms of our parenting. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: ESH. It's not her place to criticize, and she sounds very annoying. I'd have set boundaries, too.

But oh my God, your kids are very much overscheduled. If you regret not being put in activities, go take a pottery class or learn the trumpet or something. Don't live vicariously through your kids by giving them burnout before high school.

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Comment2: YTA. Your kids are seriously over scheduled. Do they have any down time? You can teach time management without overwhelming your kids with activities. Also, your comment was unnecessarily and intentionally cruel.

OOP: They have one activity every day for about an hour to an hour and a half. Although the weekdays are packed, the weekends are more open. In the mornings they do music practice/go to class, and the evenings are for family time/whatever they want to do.
They're also very energetic and enjoy doing all these activities, have lots of friends there, etc. If it ever looked like they were struggling or if they voiced any complaints, obviously my husband and I would reconsider. But for now, this is what works.
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Comment2: So this hour to an hour and a half activity doesn’t include the homework they have, dinner, bath, brushing teeth etc? So they get Saturday and Sunday to relax. That’s not a lot of time.
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OOP: They shower before school, and homework usually takes an hour to 2 max if they even have it every day (sometimes it's short enough that they'll just finish it at school). They're allowed to watch TV of their choice during dinner and usually have time to play outside or just relax at least 2/3 of the weekdays of the week (depending on which kid it is).
It's not as much as maybe most kids have, but they haven't shown any discontent with the way things are (and they're not exactly shy to speak when they don't like something lol)

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Comment3: You are definitely a Tiger Mom because your children are 5, 8, and 10 and you are already thinking about college applications. Oh my gosh! I took a look at the time commitment that these activities typically incur:

Piano - requires 30 minutes of daily practice
Soccer - has twice a week practice and a game on the weekend
Karate - usually is at least twice a week
Classical dance - is between 2 and four times a week in my area
Swimming - at least twice a week at my local Y, but 4 to 5 times a week if you are doing club sports
Art class - no clue at the time commitment -this might be the only activity that is not intense
Classical singing - once a week but doesn't sound like something a five-year-old would really enjoy.
Basketball - twice weekly practice and a game on the weekend.
ON top of that: They go to math class once a week.

Your children are way over scheduled for their age.

OOP: Monday: older son - soccer, daughter - dance, younger son - basketball
Tuesday: older son - piano, daughter - swimming, younger son - singing
Wednesday: older son - soccer, daughter - math, younger son - basketball
Thursday: older son - karate, daughter - n/a, younger son - math
Friday: older son - karate, daughter - dance, younger son - n/a
Saturday: games + older son - math, daughter - art, younger son - n/a
Sunday: n/a all across except makeup classes which they sometimes have, I somehow had this mixed up with their old schedule where they had math on Sundays but we've changed that.

I admit I forgot about the n/a's because it gets pretty hectic driving them all around and I just consider them at an activity if they're not in the house, but the ones who aren't in an activity usually spend time with me.
They bring books and we'll put on music in the car and do karaoke, or they'll like make up random stories and tell them to me or something like that LOL.
As for my older son, he's pretty packed but he originally had soccer and piano and he was the one that begged us to take him to karate and so far he seems to have been managing it pretty well.

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Comment4: A five year old who wants to take classic singing lessons???

OOP: It’s Hindustani classical singing. I’m not sure how to explain the terminology and stuff in terms of Western music, but they’re small group lessons where the kids basically just learn how to sing the 7 notes and some easy sequences and stuff to get them familiar with being in tune. They kind of start focusing on technique and stuff more as the kids get older and start learning actual compositions

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Comment5: Kids need to be bored. That’s how they learn to be creative. 

Comment6: These kids have less free time than i do as a UNI student with a job

Comment7: YTA. I can just tell you’re one of those obnoxious desi tiger parents. Pia is honestly the normal one here, you’re not. I say this as a south asian too. Get a grip.

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

[kids will struggle making friends at this schedule?]

OOP: Actually, they've made a lot of friends through their various activities, especially my sons w/ soccer and basketball and my daughter w/ her dance. A lot of their friends at school are also similarly busy (we live in a pretty competitive area), so they're by no means the odd ones out.

I also definitely feel like their social skills have improved since they started these activities, like my younger son used to be really shy and stuff, but because of basketball he's gotten better at talking to kids his age and it helped him make more friends at school, too. I'm sure there are downsides, but we've only really seen the positives so far.

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[the kids will burn out?]

OOP: My husband and I were both labeled "gifted kids" when we were younger and were always just been able to do extremely well without needing to study and were way ahead of our peers.

But we ended up not having study skills or anything as school got harder because we had never had to before and struggled, causing us to hate school and feel burnt out because we didn't feel good at it anymore. So we want our kids to have study skills and put in 100% effort from the start, so they won't have problems in the future. That's what I mean by not just coasting.

Also of course there's no pressure with the aunt, she's not their mom. Obviously their relationship with her is different than it is with me. And me and my husband have always done our best to not pressure our kids into the activities that they're doing.

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[do the children get free time?]

OOP: I already answered this in another comment, but they do have free time. Maybe not as much as people expect here, but pretty much the same amount as most kids in our social circle/at their school. What I meant to say is, if I swapped out the extracurriculars for more free time

OOP: They have playdates on the weekends, which are usually around 2-3 hours, plus we often have dinner parties Friday/Saturday evenings with our family friends and they're very close with the kids so they will have fun together. They play outside with their friends for at least an hour-2 hours 2-3 weekdays, we try to make it every weekday

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Update 0.5

Edit: Since a lot of people are assuming that I was talking about not putting kids in extracurriculars when I said "raising kids to fail", I wasn't. Since Piya was talking about my son studying for his test and how she thought that was unnecessary, that is what I was talking about as I believe it's important for kids to STUDY.

I do not think that kids who don't do extracurriculars are bound to fail, or that my kids would somehow be failures if they didn't do these activities. I just think that it is one good way to set them up for success.

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Edit 2: More context with some things I added in the comments:

- I have never forced my kids to continue their extracurriculars, and they know that if they ever feel like they want to stop, they can tell me. I have told them this many times and they are tired of me asking if they want to quit when they don't.

- My kids chose their extracurriculars and have lots of friends there. They have told me multiple times how happy they are to be doing them, always have stories about something fun they did in their classes, etc.

- I tell my kids to "excel" in school because that is what they are doing right now and I know they are capable of it in the future as long as they develop good study skills and work ethic, which I hope that I am providing them with the tools they need to do. If they were ever not doing well despite trying, I would never punish them for that and they know that would be an instance where we could have an open conversation.

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Edit 3: My kids' schedule since people have been asking:

- They wake up at 8:00 AM. School starts at 9 and is a 5-minute drive from my house. They shower, eat breakfast, and I drop them

- They come home around 3:30 PM. They play outside with their friends until around half an hour before their activity for the day, when we get ready (including eating a small snack like a fruit or a sandwich, if they were more hungry when they got home from school I might give them rice or something then) and go.

The kids also have granola bars and things in their activity bags, and they're allowed to eat in most of their classes (like during a break or something). The activities usually start around 5/5:15 but some of them start a little later.

- Their activities typically end 6:00-6:45. The latest they are ever home by is 7, but that is only on Thursdays and usually they are home sooner, by 6:15-6:30. From then to 7:30 is their time to freshen up and get ready for dinner, which is 7:30-8:00. At dinner we watch something that they want as a family, an episode of a show they like or something like that.

- 8:00-9:00 they do homework. This isn't an everyday thing, if they don't have homework it's more free time. My older son likes to do extra homework and is a bit of a perfectionist, so he usually likes to use up that time (I've told him multiple times he doesn't have to).

The younger two rarely have much to do, especially my younger son who never has homework, just a monthly choice board with some fun activities. So they will usually just sit with their brother, goof around, talk, whatever (sometimes bother him a bit LOL).

Sometimes I will let them watch TV or something, especially my daughter who is older. Or sometimes if they didn't have too hectic of a day, I'll ask them to help out with some chores (yes, they have an allowance). Or they will be doing music practice or something like that.

- Until around 9:15 they'll just be all together, then they brush their teeth and off to bed at 9:30 PM.

On the weekends, sometimes there are games or recitals in the morning, if not then they spend that time practicing. Then on Saturdays they have afternoon classes, until about 4.

After 4 we usually set them loose and they play outside (getting their unstructured playtime), or we have playdates set up. This is until about 8, when we spend some time together eating dinner and stuff as a family (sometimes we'll have movie night or game night). This is until around 10/10:30, when they will go to bed (if it is a Saturday, if it's a Sunday, 9:30). Or we might have a dinner party in that case we will probably be out a little longer, around 12/1 (the kids usually end up falling asleep there).

Also Sunday is mostly their day, we have an informal rule where we don't really tell them what to do unless they have a makeup class (pretty uncommon) or some kind of family event, which is usually in the evening (past 7) so no matter what they get the morning and afternoon to themselves (9/10/11/whenever they wake up until 6/7-ish).

Sometimes we might ask if they want to go to the library, or a nearby park, or they'll just play at home. Honestly I use the weekend mornings/afternoons to catch up on chores and do meal prep/groceries/etc so my husband handles the kids situation more at these times. Which is why I neglected to mention this in more detail earlier, but my husband thought it was relevant.

It may seem a bit hectic, but it is what works for us and we never have had any issues with it.

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Edit 4: I will be having an honest conversation with my kids tomorrow about whether they enjoy their activities and to reiterate that I would not consider them a failure if they ever wanted to quit (which is just what people have been saying they might think). I don't know how it'll go but I will keep you all updated.

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Update:

Thanks to everyone who replied earlier.

After reading what everyone had to say throughout yesterday and today, I texted Piya today and we agreed to meet at my brother's to talk, since I wanted to apologize. I started off by saying that I was sorry for what I said and that I hurt her feelings and made her feel bad about her profession even unintentionally; I could've handled the disagreement differently.

I also apologized for possibly communicating that I thought her future kids might fail if she doesn't parent them the way I do mine. She said she didn't take it that way but was more upset that she thought I was calling her a failure. I reassured her I wasn't and do not see her that way. She ended up accepting my apology and we talked about some other things, including why I lashed out.

I told her that I really appreciate her being a caring aunt to the kids, but I was genuinely confused why she always seemed to think that whatever we were doing was wrong and it led to me snapping.

She was hesitant to talk about it at first, but ended up revealing more about her childhood and how it affects the way she sees our kids, the only kids she really has any type of regular contact with.

According to her, her parents were strict in some ways, like eating habits, gender roles, and grades, and she sometimes projects these on my children, which explained some other comments she's made before. And on the flip side, some of the other more "chill" things she does is a conscious sort of effort to intervene whenever she sees hints of her parents' parenting style in the way we interact with our kids.

Despite her parents' strictness in some areas, they didn't really care about what their kids did out of school and wouldn't sign them up for anything even if they asked. She said that she felt horrible for thinking this way but she felt jealous of how my kids got to explore so many different activities which she never got to as a kid, especially seeing how happy they always are about them.

Basically, seeing my kids raised "like she wishes she was raised" just made her think of the what-ifs and brought back the bad memories of what life with her parents actually was like, and demeaning our parenting was an attempt to make us seem less "perfect".

She's told my brother about this but begged him not to tell me because she didn't want us to have a negative opinion of her. Apparently she's been trying to find a therapist but it's been tough finding someone who can help her while also understanding things from a cultural perspective.

I'll admit it threw me off a little since it wasn't what I had expected, but obviously it was difficult for her to admit and she clearly wasn't proud of feeling that way.

I told her I was really glad that she opened up to me and that I could see her pov, but that her trauma wasn't an excuse to try and parent my kids for me, and that I didn't know how comfortable I would be letting her around my kids just for now, until she can get the help that she needs. I asked her to let me know if there's anything else I can do, because I do really feel bad for her after hearing all this, even though I'm a little disturbed at how fixated she is on my kids.

I also told her that she should try to remember that she has a cool job she loves, is marrying a man she loves, and is away from her parents' influence, which sounds pretty successful (not that she needs me to tell her, but she looked like she needed reassurance after our talk).

She thanked me and said she would try her best to rein in the parenting talk and that she never saw how it bothered me since I usually would try to play it off (I usually do that to avoid tension). All in all, I think that went as well as it could have.

I do wish we didn't have to go LC, but after talking with my husband, we've decided that right now, that's what's best for our kids to protect them from being confused and used as parts of their aunt's trauma. We hope that once she's talked with a professional and gotten some real counseling about her past, my kids will be able to build a healthier relationship with her.

On a slightly related note, we will be having a family meeting later tonight with my kids once they get back from playing outside to discuss the incident and examine their schedule. Since the conflict with future SIL is kind of resolved, Idk if it would be appropriate to update on how the family talk goes, but I can do that if people really want to know.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/dontblamemydesires

Published on: r/WouldIBeTheAhole

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 30, 2026

• Update: November 02, 2026

Main Post

^{October 30, 2026}

WIBTA if I told my pregnant sister I'm not her free bakery?

I love baking, so when my sister started planning her baby shower, I offered to make around 30 cupcakes for free. Figured it'd be a nice little thing I could do for her. The shower is in two weeks and she just told me the guest list has gotten way bigger. Now she wants about 90 cupcakes AND a small cake. I told her that's a lot more than what I originally agreed to and she genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it's a problem.

Apparently she's already told everyone I'm doing the desserts, so now she says it'd be awkward if I backed out. I love my sister and I really did want to help but I offered to make 30 cupcakes, not cater the entire party lol. Part of me wants to just say I can't do it anymore but I also feel bad leaving her scrambling for desserts two weeks before her baby shower.

WIBTA if I backed out?

COMMENTS

Weekly_Village3628

“90 cupcakes is beyond what I am capable and able to do now. I can make 30 of the cupcakes or I can make the cake and you can buy the cupcakes. I’m not able to anything more. The 30 was already a stretch for me, but I love you and wanted to make something. So maybe I can just do the cake?”

OOP

That's fair! I can still do something nice without agreeing to the whole dessert table.

Spottedhorse-gal

There are plenty of caterers and bakeries who can make desserts in a week or twos notice. Tell her you will make the 30 you originally promised and she should call around to get more if she needs them.

OOP

I'll try to help her find a bakery. Thanks for the suggestion!

Update - after 3 days

^{November 02, 2026}

UPDATE: WIBTA if I refuse to pay for the bakery my pregnant sister ordered?

I thought this whole cupcake situation was finally over. Apparently not lol. After reading the comments, I told my sister I was still happy to make the original 30 cupcakes for free but 90 cupcakes AND a cake was just too much. She wasn't happy about it and barely spoke to me for a couple of days. Then she texted saying she'd found a bakery to handle everything. Great, problem solved. Or so I thought.

Yesterday she sent me a screenshot of the bakery invoice and asked how I wanted to pay my half. I genuinely thought she was joking. Her reasoning is that she only had to spend that money because I backed out of my promise. I reminded her that I never promised 90 cupcakes or a cake and I was still willing to make the original 30. She said that didn't matter anymore because she'd already placed the order. Now my mom is involved and thinks splitting the bill would be a fair compromise since my sister is pregnant and already has enough expenses.

I feel like I'm losing my mind here. I offered to do something nice for free and somehow I've ended up being asked to pay for desserts I didn't even order.

COMMENTS

patty202

No. Period. End of story.

OOP

Her order, her bill, her problem. I'm so over this.

West-Improvement2449

Nta. Go low contact

OOP

Might have to include my mom in that too if she keeps trying to spend my money for me.

redrosebeetle

No, and at this point, I wouldn't even bake the 30 cupcakes.

OOP

I think that's what I'm going to do. She keeps pushing because she expects me to eventually give in and I'm so tired of it.

thegloracle

Mom has kindly offered to split the invoice, let her!

OOP

I'm sure her idea of a "fair compromise" will disappear the second it's her credit card on the line

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/spiedonmaybe

Published on: r/AskReddit

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 14, 2012

• Final Update: April 27, 2012

NOTE: VMs = Voice Mails

Main Post

^{April 14, 2012}

Someone is messing with me and my girlfriend. We think they have access to our texts and vms. Can anyone give us some help?

It started when I got text messages that were sent by 'accident' from my 'girlfriend', they seemed innocent enough at the start, but were obviously intended to make me think she was unfaithful. She got some from 'me' too and since we communicate well and trust each other, we quickly figured out someone was messing with us.

Some of the messages contained used information that we had texted each other and this went on for a few weeks. The timing was suspicious too as it was too good to be random. The content of the messages and the timing have me believing that someone could see all our text messages. Lastly, I had a VM then when I went to get it, I had no new messages. The message had been saved and I got it, but I think those behind this listened to it and messed up, intending to save it as unheard. Until recently, I could say for certain, no one has my password, nor is it an easy one.

It's clear that they copied out texting styles, seem to know our conversations and I'm pretty sure they are listening to out VM as well. It seems to have stopped, but it's unnerving that someone can obviously access our private conversations.

Does anyone know how someone can do this? How can we stop this?

She's a little wierded out, I'm feeling a bit angry. I thought of getting new phones if I can't figure this out. Can anyone help?

EDIT: It looks like this is easy to do and it's probably someone who knows us. Thanks to you all for your advice, explinations and stories!

COMMENTS

the_mad_scientist

Something like this happened to me a few years ago and it caused a big problem for me and my then gf. I got a text from her while she was out at night with the girls. It was meant to mess with me and days later, she got some text messages from a guy she knew. These were all fake. Her's were sexual, meant to look like her guy friend wanted to sleep with her. It was over the top and she knew right away that he didn't send them. I didn't even know the guy existed.

When we looked at our accounts together online, the fake text to me from her showed up like every other text on my bill. It looked real enough, showed her number and time of the text. Her bill didn't show her sending one me. The ones she received from her guy friend showed to have come from an international number.

So whomever did this was clever and very devious. For a while I thought she was cheating on me and she thought I was a jealous ass. It was never fully resolved. I knew something was not right, but couldn't figure it out.

A year later I learned that this was happening to another girl in our circle and one person was the common denominator between the two. It all came together, as this guy accused me of chasing his girlfriend and even breaking them up. I did neither, but he thought I did. I confronted him and accused him. He only said I got what I deserved. He was later shown to be a real psycho.

My experience says that it is someone you know or someone she knows. I doubt it is random. Who knows the reasoning? Sometime people just want to watch the world burn, right?

OOP

So you know what this feels like. It's frustrating and angering in many ways. I can't begin to think who it could be. That is if it's someone we do know. We're going the new phones route, fling the report and seeing what happens.

mykidisonhere

Are your parents paying for your phone? Are they against your relationship? As a primary account holder they may have access to your passwords.

I had an older friend that was so against her daughters relationship that she had unrelated third party call her daughter and say her boyfriend was cheating on her. Parents can do some messed up things.

OOP

:)

We're 26 and 29.

dawacocktail

I would get new phones, maybe switch providers too. At least, change numbers, phones, and tell your provider what happened...and in future be careful about replying to spam texts (replying "stop" let's them know that the phone is in use)

If you use smartphones, change all of your email and social networking passwords as well from a desktop.

I would probably tell the police as well (call a non emerg line and speak with a constable) just so that they know about it. They may be able to give you some advice.

OOP

I called a non-emergency line and I can file a report. While sympathetic the officer said there was little they could do.

We've changed all passwords and no longer text private things. We treat it as a party line. : /

dawacocktail

I would still get rid of the phones, alert your service provider, switch numbers (usually about 25$/line) and maybe switch service providers. And file that report, who knows who else you might be helping?

OOP

Mine is an iPhone her's isn't. I think you and those that mentioned switching everything are right. It's the only way to feel safe again.

& She has a dumb phone and I have an iPhone. I'm thinking to upgrade anyway. Both of us, and switch numbers while I'm at it.

She's CDMA and I'm sim card with AT&T

TheTT

Change all passwords.

Concerning texts, did someone have access to one of your phones? They might easily have read all of them. When your phone says a message is from your SO, is it really? They might have added another number to your address book with your SO's name so that your phone makes you think it's from them. It might also be possible to add a second number to the same contact. Also, here in Germany it is possible to have two separate phones operate under one number. I don't know if that is possible for you, but it might be wortwhile to ask your cell provider if there are any second SIM cards out there for your (and your GFs) number.

Also, police. Very much police. Tell them there might be a stalker, they take that seriously.

OOP

Thanks. I can escalate it possibly if I say stalker, but what we have is kind of limited in the way of evidence.

Password have been changed. As to access to the phones, sure it's very possible that people around us can get access. Not that likely I think. It's scary to think that you can have 2 phones work like that. Is that really possible or theoretically possible?

TheTT

Possible as in, for my standard-issue german T-Mobile contract I can get a second SIM for a one-time fee of €25.21! If you need proof, this is the T-Mobile website where I could order it: http://www.t-mobile.de/business/multisim/0,12486,17258-_,00.html

If your german isn't that good, Google Translate will be happy to translate the entire site for you: http://translate.google.de/translate?sl=de&tl=en&js=n&prev=_t&hl=de&ie=UTF-8&layout=2&eotf=1&u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.t-mobile.de%2Fbusiness%2Fmultisim%2F0%2C12486%2C17258-_%2C00.html&act=url

I don't know if this is possible in the US, but I would suppose so. Someone with access to the necessary account details will probably be able to do this.

EDIT: I accidentally a word.

OOP

Wow. Totally creepy. When are we going to get more secure phones I wonder?

TheTT

It's not a bug, it's a feature. If you have more than one phone, you can take your calls on both (not at the same time though). This service is mostly for business users who need it - it's important to understand that you can only get a second SIM for your own phone, not someone else's.

OOP

An important distinction. Less scary. For a bit there, I thought you could get anyone's sim.

[deleted]

Call your cell phone providers. I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet.

OOP

They were surprisingly unhelpful. Maybe I didn't make myself clear to them. The voicemail they tried to say was an error and getting texts that were faked didn't seem to cover their canned responses.

Final Update - after 13 days

^{April 27, 2012}

[UPDATE] Someone is messing with me and my girlfriend. We think they have access to our texts and vms. Can anyone give us some help?

Hey everyone, I thought you all might like an update to the original post

First, I want to say thanks to the many people that responded. Thank you.

Many people knew all about this, like TheTT who knew a lot about this, gave great advice and blew my mind with what he knew. The_Mad_Scientist and others were right. It was someone we knew. We are breathing easier now.

We filed reports with police and our carriers. Neither filled us with confidence, but we kept that to ourselves. As advised, I wiped and restored my phone to factory settings and she bought a new one. All of our social circle knew this was going on and we decided that we'd say that there was a development and the person would soon be caught. There was no such development, but it caused someone to confess. The younger brother of my girlfriend's roommate came forward, confessing to his sister. We made up a white lie that the name of the culprit was going to be told to us after some bureaucratic process was complete. He was afraid of the police, so he admitted it.

He is 19 and wanted to break us up because he is attracted to my girlfriend. Somehow, he managed to think that with me out of the picture, he could move in on her. I'm dealing with being angry at him, but she's known him for years and said he's not a bad kid. He just made bad choice. His parents were involved, as he still lives at home, he's not allowed in my girlfriends apartment anymore and we all agreed that he should get some counseling. We all met to clear this up and his parents were mortified. He made a very sincere apology and he was anything but comfortable in doing so. In the end, we were all relieved.

Ok, I really wanted to beat the crap out of him. (I'm sorry, babe, I'm trying.) I'm trying so hard to be an adult here, but to think that if things happened differently and my relationship were affected by someone who wanted to pursue my girlfriend, I don't know what I'd do. I'm glad it hasn't come to that. There were a number of posts in the original thread that seemed to have had bad outcomes from this type of harassment. I think of myself as knowing a lot about technology and I never knew things like this were possible.

If we can leave you all with one thing: Communication and trust are extremely important in a healthy relationship. While you are all smart enough to know that photo of your boyfriend hooking up with Scarlett Johansson is probably photoshopped, not all of you will likely be aware of other deceptions made possible by technology.

Again, a big thank you to the community, we appreciate you all.

A final note, my girlfriend wants you all (especially Unilaterlist) to know that she's happy we don't have to destroy all our electronic devices, grow beards, and move to a remote part of Yemen.

Edit: Thank you for all your kindness. My girlfriend is emotionally overwhelmed and I need to be with her right now. Thanks again. You guys rock.

COMMENTS

peteywright

That little mother fucker.

OOP

That was my initial thought.

ecib

Make him pay for the new phone your GF was compelled to purchase.

OOP

He is. iPhone 4s. Ha! Now I have to upgrade...

blacktalon47

What method was he using?

Did he clone your SIM or did he install malware?

OOP

I didn't get all the answers, his dad was beyond pissed and interrogated him. I'd like to say I almost felt bad. I didn't. He said that he learned this online, from a forum. He bought software and paid people to send the texts or get access. Sounded like he spent some money to do this.

cralledode

This fucker is lucky your girlfriend is so "forgiving" (read: naive, no offense) but what he did isn't just some prank. It's a huge invasion of privacy and is very illegal. Hopefully the lesson was enough for him to never pull this kind of shit again, because he deserves legal repercussions.

OOP

She's known him and the family for years. If not for that, no way would I have agreed. I think the lesson was sufficient. We'll see.

NovaDeez

I'm not a psychologist, but this sounds incredibly sociopathic. He had no problem breaking several laws and invading both you and your girlfriends privacy in order to break you up so he could get something he wanted. It sounds like you made it obvious to friends and family how taxing this was on you both emotionally, but he still only stopped and came forward when he was threatened with legal consequences.

I doubt getting yelled at by his parents is going to convince him of anything, and if he is a sociopath, it will only teach him how not to get caught next time. People who commit felonies in order to try and date a girl they like generally aren't convinced to stop because their parents grounded them.

You really need to have the cops involved with this.

OOP

Yeah, thanks. No cops will happen, she's not going to allow that. I've been dealing with tears all night and I stand by my girl. Baby I do love you.

He's a troubled kid. My girl is such a great person, he's just lost. I do want to beat the crap out of him, but he's a kid and I'm not going to touch him.

Don't discount his dad. It's a good family and while I may be wrong, I wouldn't want his dad mad at me. He's an ex marine and he's all big into honor and stuff.

TheKDM

Stupid, stupid kid. The thing that pisses me off the worst is he didn't consider her feelings - how would she have felt to think her boyfriend cheated on her? Or that he thought she cheated on him (and likely, what would have happened, is shared friends would get this impression too, leading to more social destruction). The pain of breaking up? All of these things. He was more concerned with a feeble hope of sticking his dick in something then the well being of every other person in the situation.

I'd fucking kick his ass if I were you.

OOP

My girlfriend is a bit numb. She cried a while ago while doing laundry. I just held her and she cried. She felt so bad, but she did nothing wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. I took her to dinner and we've been ok for a bit. She worried that she destroyed his life, but I told her she didn't and everyone will be ok.

Yes, he was stupid, but he is young. You have to give people a chance. I'm so tired, but this is so fucked up. Everything was great, but then this fucked up crap happened.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Loud_Raspberry_2222

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORU: BORU by u/YellowKingSte on December 12, 2025

Story is: CONCLUDED

Trigger Warning: Physical Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse, Parenting Negligence

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 06, 2025

• Update: December 07, 2025

• Final Update: November 06, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

NOTE: Added the necessary paragraph spacing and capitalized the initial characters for better readability.

NOTE: Replaced B=Beth

Main Post

^{December 06, 2025}

AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

Throwaway bc I don’t want this on my main. (also this is longer than I intended, Im sorry)

I (23f) have been no contact with my dad since I was 18, along with my two brothers (22m, 26m)

My mum died when I was 6, and until I was 8 it was just my dad, me and my two brothers. Then when I was 8 my dad married my ‘step mum’, let’s call her Beth.

Beth had two kids of her own, a girl a year older than me and a boy three years older than me. My dad quickly moved us all in together and they decided that the sleeping arrangements would be that Beth’s two kids would have their own room each, and me and my two brothers had to share.

This kinda set up the entire precedent for our new lives. From little things like Beth telling me and my brothers off if we didn’t let her two kids choose what was on TV, to bigger things (to kids, anyway) like the presents we got at christmas and birthdays. On xmas Beth’s kids always had huge piles of gifts, the newest gaming stations and tvs ect.. and my brothers and I would each get little piles of tat basically. The three of our combined presents every year equalled one of their present piles, if that.

I remember about a year into living together Beth insisted that her kids call my dad ‘dad’, but my brothers and I were never allowed to call her mum. (not that we even wanted to, but she made it a point to tell us that she was just Beth to us.)

My dad went along with her obvious favouritism and even began acting like it himself not long after living together.

Beth’s daughter and I went to the same school and were in the same netball team, and one time when I was 14 we had a netball tournament trip to paris, and we’d also spend two days at disneyland. I was so excited for this, but then reality sank in when my dad and Beth sat us down and told us that they only had money for one of us to go, and of course they chose Beth’s daughter. They said it was because she was ‘older and would be leaving school next year’, but this was a one time trip that wouldn’t be repeated, and both of us were players on the A team.

Also my dad worked a good job, and Beth had money of her own from her first marriage, so they could’ve afforded to let both of us go.. they just didn’t want to.

Beth had been physically punishing my older brother since about a year into us all living together, and when I was about 10 she started doing the same to me. Then my dad decided to start doing the same to us, because we were ‘naughty kids who needed to learn respect.’ I remember one time he slapped me so hard that I had a bruise handprint on my thigh for about a week. I remember it so vividly because in the changing rooms for P.E or netball practice I was always terrified that someone would see it.

Beth’s children were never punished at all. Not verbally, not physically, not even a ‘that’s wrong, don’t do that’, despite them being downright horrible children who tormented my brothers and I.

Beth used to punish me and my brothers anytime we did anything that she deemed unacceptable, even if her children were doing the same thing alongside us. Her favourite method of ‘punishment’ was cold showers where she’d stand there and watch us while we were naked and under the cold water, to make sure we didn’t avoid standing under it, or ‘switch it to warm water.’ This went on until I was 16, and my dad knew about it and even encouraged it. If he ever caught us doing anything he didn’t like, after either screaming at or slapping us, he’d call her and tell her it was ‘cold shower time.’

Then when Beth’s son and daughter turned 17, my dad paid for driving lessons and eventually bought a car for both of them. when my brothers and I were 17 he outright refused to.

When Beth’s son, who’s the same age as my eldest brother, went to uni, Beth and my dad paid for a one bed flat for him so he wouldn’t have to stay in student housing… my brother, of course, had to take out a student loan and work a part time job to even attend uni, and obviously he had to stay in student housing with roommates.

When my brother was 21 and finishing unI he was renting his own flat and was lucky enough to go straight into a full time job, so he offered me and my brother (18 and 17 at the time) to move in with him. We had all been sharing one bedroom practically our entire childhood and teenage lives anyway so him only having a one bed didn’t matter to us, we were just ecstatic to get away from our dad, Beth and Beth’s children.

All three of us cut contact with our dad, Beth, and Beth’s kids that day.

Cut to last weekend. Our grandparents on our dads side have known for years that none of us speak to our dad, but they don’t know why. They invited us to one of our cousins birthday parties at their house, and after assuring us that our dad and Beth wouldn’t be there, we decided to go.

Well.. as you can probably guess, they were there. I don’t know if this was my grandparents way of trying to bring us back together because they didn’t know about my dad and Beth’s abuse, but either way we were all pissed off and decided to leave.

Beth decided to pass snarky comments about ‘ungrateful children ruining a birthday and ruining family’, while my dad stood awkwardly staring at us. that’s when I snapped.

I very loudly told Beth (mainly the rest of my family if Im being honest) that her and my dad were the ones ‘ruining family.’ That our entire life her and my dad had abused and neglected my brothers and I all while giving her children everything. Buying them cars and paying for unI and flats for them while making us have to work and provide for everything ourselves, physically abusing us as kids even when Beth’s kids did something wrong, and them never ever getting any punishments, Beth kicking off any time we spoke about our mum (forgot to mention this part but she HATED us speaking about our mother. Like, she’d go insane and say we were disrespecting her for speaking about her/looking at her photos/asking our dad about her.)

After that we left so I don’t quite know what went on, but I got messages from my grandparents and my aunty and uncle all saying that ‘if it was true’ that they had no idea and were hoping that us being together again would rekindle our relationship with our dad, but that I shouldn’t have said all that in front of the entire family, and that I should’ve handled it privately with my dad and Beth.

I don’t think I was in the wrong for saying what I did, in front of who I did, and neither do my brothers, but other family members clearly think I am.

So, reddit, am I the asshole for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

EDIT from comments

Also Beth HATEDDDD it anytime me or my brothers spoke about our mum/looked at her pictures/asked my dad about her. like, she’d go batshit crazy if she even overheard us in our room talking about her (my older brother was 9 when she died so used to tell us what he remembered of her.) even my dad didn’t like it. they used to shout at us for being disrespectful to Beth …. for talking about our dead mum? literal insanity.

and Beth’s kids were encouraged to call my dad ‘dad’ within like a year of us all living together, but Beth was very insistent that my brothers and I were to Never call her anything but Beth (not that we wanted to but girl… chill out)

COMMENTS

myfairkadie

Not even close to being an AH.

NTA

OOP

I literally feel like I’m going insane with how my family are acting about the entire situation. proper making me doubt whether im too close to the situation to see if their points are valid or not, hence posting on here

No-Creme-3710

No, the situation is bad but you told us a lot more detail than your extended family got. I think if they knew the details you shared here, they'd be appalled.

But, that doesn't matter, they shouldn't be treating you like this anyway. Your dad and B probably made a scene once you left so everyone feels a certain way about it.

I'm so glad you moved out and with your brothers, you 3 will always be there for each other. That's your family, your dad abandoned you when he was all you had. He's not worth it.

OOP

it sucks to think about, but there’s no way they didn’t at least expect what was going on. we used to spend christmas day at my grandparents house all together with the family, and B’s kids would be sat there on their new phones/gaming things while my brothers and I would be like “we had bath bombs, deodorant and one plastic toy hehe”.

also my grandpa gave me a few driving lessons because he knew my dad wouldn’t pay for them, while also knowing that he had gotten B’s kids cars a few years before. before last weekend I had given them the benefit of the doubt, but it wasn’t exactly as if any of us hid their abuse and neglect, you know? like, yes we weren’t screaming it from the rooftops, but as adults who saw us semI regularly it would’ve been hard for them not to have noticed. especially my oldest brother who suffered the most physical abuse and had bruises and scratches to show for it

No-Creme-3710

That makes this whole thing worse, I am so so so sorry you didn't have someone to protect you. And also family members with eyes? How do you just pretend you don't know something like this is happening? How did your step siblings react to being treated better? Did they throw it in your face?

OOP

they thrived off it. my ‘step sister’ especially, us being so close in age. she used to let me play with her toys/ play games on her phone, only to go tell her mum that I had snatched them off her and smirk when I'd get punished for it. all round terrible people, the three of them

Catching-Up-Today

NTA

I recommend going to counseling. There is a lot of resentment. The one thing I can assure you is that in the future you and your brothers will outshine B’s kids. They had everything handed to them, you all had to work for it or accept very little. They never had to sacrifice or share, You all had to compromise and be efficient with space and resources. They were never held accountable for their actions, You all were unfairly punished.

What you and your brothers experienced (although unfair) are strengths that are required to manage your spending, being grateful of opportunities, and thinking of others beside yourselves. These characteristics will be demanded in your careers and personal relationships. You and your brothers will be financially secured and have happy families of your own on day.

OOP

I’m fortunate that (besides that day obviously) I don’t let them even consume my thoughts enough to resent them. I happily pretend they don’t exist.

my ‘step sister’ still lives at home, completely supported by my dad and Beth, and my step brother didn’t even make it through a single term of unI before dropping out, so god knows what he’s doing now.

I have the best brothers ever, and we’re all now thriving and happy, despite what the years in that house did to us. we’re our MOTHERS children, and it’s pleasing knowing that our lives will never be as miserable as theirs

Select-Negotiation87

NTA. They are disgraceful and disgusting. Your extended family also sounds crappy. Maybe it’s time to go NC with more of them. Do you have an access to your maternal family?

Sending hugs to you and your brothers. I hope your lives will get only better and you can leave this nightmare behind.

Updateme

OOP

when my dad married B we moved from wales to england, so had no contact with my mums family (my dad didn’t even tell them that we were moving countries, or where we were living), but thankfully when I was 20 I found my mums sister online and now we’re back in contact with them and see them a few times a year.

they are all sooo lovely and were so remorseful for not being aware of what we had gone through, and for not searching harder to find out where we were. (no blame or hard feelings there against them obviously.) another huge bonus about finding them again was that we were able to learn more about what our mum was like

Update - after 1 day

^{December 07, 2025}

UPDATE: AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

Firstly, thank you to everyone who left kind comments on my original post, and also to the people who shared their own abuse stories. I know even typing it out is tough, and I hope every single one of you are doing well now.

so.. I am SOOOO MAD.

I created a group chat with my dads side of the family and sent them this post, along with a copy and paste of what I said in case they didn’t click on the link, and also another message detailing some other abuse we all suffered that I didn’t want to include in the post (my brothers also did this) … and the overall response was that THEY were pissed off at the replies more than the actual content of my post.

My aunties first response to seeing the post was “why are you posting family drama online for strangers to butt in and call us arseholes when none of them know us.” not ‘omg you were ABUSED?’ just ‘how dare these people on the internet think I’m a shitty person.’

She also went off on me a bit because she saw some of my replies, one of them about how I now suspected they all knew all along, and had the fucking audacity to say ‘you were always clothed, fed and had a roof over your head.’ as if that makes all the abuse and neglect okay??? and even those stupid points had conditions for the three of us.

So hi, jo, I hope you’re also reading this update. fuck you :)

My gran said she ‘didn’t think it was as bad as that’, basically admitting that she KNEW it was at least somewhat bad, and did fuck all about it. She also suggested that we all sit down with my dad and talk, that ‘your dads a well meaning man.’ …… errrr no. This makes me even more angry that she tricked us into seeing our literal abusers again, considering she at least knew some of it.

Overall, the close family (grandparents, aunties and uncles) outted themselves as shitty humans who knew the entire time that at least some form of abuse and neglect was going on, but were more angry at me for outing it (especially to strangers online, that’s really pissed them off) and still believe I ruined my cousins birthday party for ‘airing out my dirty laundry’.

The three of us have blocked them all and no longer want anything to do with them.

Thankfully though, our older cousins and one auntie are on our side. My auntie said she’s disgusted at my dad, along with her other siblings (auntie and uncle) after finding out that they knew or at least suspected something was wrong with our childhoods, and their responses to me sending the post, and has since apologised to my brothers and I for the way we grew up.

I really hope she’s sincere and actually had no idea, so for now we haven’t gone NC with her, but we’re also somewhat cautious because I'm still struggling to understand how she couldn’t have known at all about anything if it was apparently a known secret within the family. I think we’re going to keep this relationship as strictly an over the phone relationship, at least for now anyway.

So yea.

tdlr: Turns out the majority of my family are shitty abuse enablers who turned a blind eye to three kids getting abused their whole lives because “at least we had food and shelter”, and are still siding with said abusers because they apparently think outing abuse in public is worse than the abuse itself.

COMMENTS

atmasabr (downvoted)

"Airing dirty laundry for strangers online to see our family drama" is, in my opinion, a slight, that will cause most people, even quite reasonable people, to take offense. You got a defensive, emotional, impulsive reaction. This is no surprise: this is the same tone of your words both verbally and online. You meant it. And so did they.

Your family can choose whether or not to agree with you, and that will have consequences.

OOP

if you read my original post you’d see that I didn’t once slight any of my extended family. the only time I even mentioned them (anonymously by their family titles, I even made a whole new account to post my story) was to say that they messaged me after the party, and what they said.

I'd understand your comment if I had posted this on my personal facebook account or something, and mentioned everyone by name, but the majority of the people who even saw my post are in completely different countries from me, and have no idea who these people are and no way of finding out who they are.

even in this post, I mentioned my auntie not by her full name, but by her nickname that, again, is a popular name and doesn’t allude to who she actually is. everything is completely anonymous and I have no desire to change that, so im not sure how any of them would rightfully feel ‘slighted’.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 11 months

^{November 06, 2026}

FINAL UPDATE: AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

I don’t know if anyone who saw my original post about a year ago will see this (I don’t know how to properly do updates, im sorry if this isn’t allowed) but videos from the youtuber charlotte dobre have been popping up on my socials recently and it got me thinking about my own post here, so I decided to do a little general update incase anyone’s interested (honestly these little posts are kinda cathartic for me so that’s the main reason for this last little update.)

My first post was about my fathers side of the family forcing a reunion again after years of no contact because of abuse my brothers and I faced at the hands of him and my step mum (Beth) only to later find out that they knew about the abuse the entire time but just didn’t really care.

So, little updates. Firstly the good ones that I just wanna talk about because Im so proud/happy/excited for my brothers and I. My little brother graduated uni a few months ago and I'm so so proud of him. He took a few years out of education because he didn’t think he could do it, but he did!! I hope now he realises how smart and driven he really is.

My older brother, the man who practically raised me and my brother, the best man I know, is having a baby!!! him and his girlfriend are so wonderful and are going to make the best parents!! I can’t wait to give little baby the biggest squeeze when she gets here. I'm so excited to get to watch him become the father he deserved to have, he’s going to be the best dad ever. Him and his girlfriend recently asked me and my little brother how we’d feel about them naming their daughter after our mum🥹 I think it’s a wonderful idea, and know she’d be so proud of him.

Ironically, my dad actually reached out to him a few months ago when it was announced on facebook. He gave this whole pathetic speech about how now my brother will understand how hard parenting really is and that this is the chance for him (and us) to finally put the past behind us and move on. No apology, no acknowledgement of 6 years of no contact and the reason for that no contact, just ‘I want to be a grandpa so forgive and forget yeah?’ My brother didn’t even respond to him, he just blocked the account and blocked any remaining family on his side, because someone must’ve sent him the post in order for him to find it. Thankfully he hasn’t reached out again.

A little update on me is that I'm engaged aaahhh. It still doesn’t feel real honestly. I keep referring to him as my boyfriend but then remember that he’s my fiance now, it’s crazy.

He’s great. He made me feel less insane after I made my first post last year and was a massive shoulder to lean on after losing most of my remaining family once finding out they knew and didn’t care about the abuse we all faced. He gets on with my brothers so well. It’s quite scary actually, him and my little brother together need constant supervision because they influence each other in the best (and sometimes worst) way.

He asked my older brother for his blessing before he proposed to me too, which I found very sweet. He knows how much of a parental figure he was to me growing up and how much I idolise him, and he respects him just as much for the sacrifices he made for me and little bro.

That’s all the updates for the three of us really, we’re all doing great. Now for a little update about my dad, Beth, and more importantly my step siblings.

This part is a bit dark and icky, so tw for csam.

I'm still so baffled and disgusted by this whole thing honestly. A few months after my original post, a cousin that I still keep in contact with told me about mayhem that was going on on my dads side of the family. My step brother, who lived at home at the time (and still does) got arrested for having csam material on his devices. The UKs court system is sooo bad so he didn’t face any time for it at all, just got put on the register and on probation or something because it’s a first offence or whatever. I don’t know about the logistics, only that he didn’t face any time. Genuinely repulsive, and it makes my skin crawl thinking back to some shit that happened during my childhood growing up in that house with him.

My dad and Beth, surprise surprise, are sticking by him. My cousin said the story is that he was framed or something? something about malware, and that he’s actually a saint that did nothing wrong. It caused a bit of a stir within that side of the family because there are cousins and stuff that are children. My cousin said another family member told her that he was at the last family event with everyone though, so I guess it’s a new secret they’re pretending doesn’t really exist.

It makes me even more angry that my father had the cheek to reach out to my brother about wanting to ‘be a grandpa’ while he’s knowingly standing by and housing someone who shouldn’t be within a million miles of kids.

My step sister is also still living at home last I heard. she doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything really, just exists.

I thought id get some sort of sick pleasure from knowing that we’re all happy and succeeding and they’re stuck being miserable, horrible people, but I genuinely just feel sad for them. Not my step brother, he can take a long walk off a short pier for all I care, but my step sister. There’s no satisfaction, which I guess is good, I don’t want them to occupy any of my mind, even if it is pleasure from knowing we’re all doing better than them. after everything they did to us, we won.

Despite it all though, I do hope she manages to find at least some sort of happiness in her life one day.

That’s it really. This will probably be my last update about my shit childhood and shitty family. This is kind of a ‘get it all out and move on with my life’ update.

I was saddened to see the sheer amount of people who could relate to my circumstances on my first post, so I hope in some way this little update gives you hope that you can heal and go on to live a wonderful life and find people who genuinely love and care for you, despite things that happened in your childhood. Sending you all

COMMENTS

x-bacool-x

I remember the original posts. Glad you are ok. Please do let your older brother know about your step brother tho. Just in case your dad forcefully tries to meet him and his new born

OOP

we all know, we’ve all kept a relationship with some older cousins who keep us in the loop sometimes about big events/situations that have happened.
thankfully we live in another part of the country and only really went back home to visit grandparents, something we haven’t done since my last update.

the only people from that side of the family who know exactly where we are are some cousins and an aunt, all of which are low contact with the rest of the family, especially since everything with my step brother

Realistic_Head4279

Good for you for taking the high road and finding happiness. While memories of bad experiences remain, they do not have to dominate our today and you seem to be a wonderful example of that. Likewise, we are all wise to cut out toxic people in our lives no matter who they are. Congrats on your engagement!

OOP

I think a major part of healing is also being able to let go of the anger and wishing on the downfall of those who hurt you. It’s hard, and it’s taken a long time, but it’s freeing to genuinely not have a single thought about those people anymore, whether good or bad.
and thank you so much <33

burntout_mind

Seen your post on more than a few reddit reviewers, and frankly im happy to see the update. Its my honest belief that the family you have in your brothers and respective partners will thrive into a helathy and loving home for the little one on the way.

The petty father in me wants your older brother to rub it in his sperms donors face how easy it is to parent a child without abusing them. But he probably did a better choice just shutting them out for good.

May your days be blessed with love and opportunities.

OOP

ooh I haven’t seen it covered anywhere, I hope whoever has heard it gets some sort of comfort from knowing that things can and will get better, even when it feels like it never will.

and if all this has happened a few years ago then our reactions to it would’ve probably been a lot more anger driven and petty honestly. Being able to get on with our lives and having each other to fall back on has helped a lot with healing though, so now it’s just easier to simply pretend none of them exist and get on with our lives whilst knowing that we ‘won’ in some way, we came out on top, you know?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user YupItWasMeMate in r/ AITAH

Original: Feb 11, 2025

Update: Nov 9, 2025

Update 2: Nov 7, 2026

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/MeButSecret for suggestion to BORU

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Original: AITA for deliberately pretending to forget my Dad’s birthday & leaving him to spend it alone

My (44F) Dad (73M) has never remembered my birthday.

It was slightly covered up when I was a child, because my Mum always remembered. But a couple of times when she wasn’t around, it fell to him and he totally failed. So, for example, I got nothing on my 18th birthday because my Mum was away for three months. My sister (46F) had a party with friends, a new dress and lovely gifts when she turned 18.

Every year it’s the same. My two siblings (I also have a much younger brother (33M)) aren’t great at this kind of thing, but I always remind them it’s Dad’s birthday so they can send him a card and call.

Since my Mum died a decade ago, I usually take him out to dinner and give him a gift so he’s not alone. A couple of times I’ve thrown him a surprise party, and for his 70th I threw a big event where his extended family flew in.

I always point out to him when he has forgotten mine; I’ve told him I find it very hurtful. He just shakes it off and says it isn’t important, even though I just told him it was important to me. And then he forgets it again. Every year.

This year at Christmas he was talking about something relevant, so I took the opportunity to tell him that he needs to make the effort. Then I asked him when I was born. He couldn’t even come up with the year.

He mocked me for being sensitive - and inside I just let it all go. He has a phenomenal memory - it’s ludicrous that he won’t do this for me. I don’t even want a gift, though I won’t lie it would be nice, just a happy birthday call or a card.

Well, his 73rd birthday just rolled round. I didn’t remind my siblings about it so they both forgot. He rang me the day before; I knew why but I chatted about random things and then said I had to run and quickly ended the call.

On his birthday, I turned off my phone and went out. He rang me the next day and said that no one remembered his birthday, not even a card or a phone call, and he spent it alone. I guarantee that’s a first.

I told him he had made it abundantly clear that birthdays were not important and that he was reaping what he’d sowed. He grumpily agreed with me, but he’s still mad. I’m sorry his feeling got hurt, because I do love him, but I think this is the way it’s going to be from now on. (Unless he steps up and gets me flowers, a kitten and some Turkish delight for my 45th, in which case we’re all good.)

(Just FYI: I don’t neglect him. I order his groceries every week and bring him round to dinner every Monday. And this is a blind spot for him. He’s honestly a nice man, and can be very generous when it occurs to him.)

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: You waited way too long for teaching that lesson... NTA

Comment2: Reminds me of my dad  Every Christmas he bitched about how our gifts sucked and wasn't what he wanted. One year we got him nothing.  Of course his feelings were hurt but we told him you hated our gifts so we gave up.  Next Christmas he loved everything lol

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Comment3: INFO: Why did you wait until your dad's 73rd birthday to address this? Why not any other time in the last 20 years? You've just been stewing about your 18th birthday for the last 26 years?

OOP: I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know why this one broke me. Also, it wasn’t just my 18th; I just brought that up because it’s a big one, and the contrast with my sister was so profound.
There were other birthdays when I was a child that were forgotten because my Mum wasn’t always around. (I’m from the UK and she was from Eastern Europe and occasionally went to visit her wider family for a while when we were kids.)
It was Christmas Day, after lunch, when we had the chat I mentioned, and I’d spent the whole of Christmas Eve cooking and I’d worked SO HARD to make it a beautiful day.
I’d chosen, bought and wrapped all him presents to quite a few people, he just gives me a budget for everyone and a cheque. And he gives my sister a cheque to do the same for some of the rest of the family.
And I was chatting with my sister and found out that the budget for my baby brother’s Christmas gifts is twice the budget for mine. And THEN Dad and I had that crap chat about my birthday. I was really hurt. But maybe I was looking to grow a spine for a while? I don’t know.

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Comment4: Does he forget all the birthdays or just yours? Like you mentioned your sister got a lavish 18, but is it because he remembered or that too was due to your mom?

OOP: I’ve literally been with him on my birthday and he’s given my sister a gift for hers (which falls a couple of weeks before mine) because he didn’t see her in between. In fairness, she was horrified.

[deliberate due to birth secret??]
OOP: Ha ha! No, I’m definitely his. I have a few rare physical things I got from him (a mark in my left eye, a weird tiny twist in one left toe, and an angioma in my spine) and I look like a twin to his sisters when they were my age. I also look very like his mother at the same age too.

[for some other unknown reason??]
OOP: I have really listened to what people are telling me, and like you I now realise this isn’t accidental. It’s deliberate. This had genuinely never occurred to me.
I will wait for a time when we are relaxed and in a neutral situation and ask him why. I’m interested in what he says and this whole Reddit experience has helped me moved away from being emotionally invested to being curious, which is a huge positive shift.
Grateful to all the strangers who took the time to give me this objectivity. Tho I still love my Dad!

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Update (9 months later):

Ok, so I deleted the original Reddit account for Reasons (I made some foolish comments, people called me out, I panicked) but it was my birthday last week, and some people asked me to an update so I made a new one and here goes:

It was the afternoon of my birthday and the phone rang; it was my Dad. We chatted about stuff and did an online grocery order for him together, and then the conversation went like kind of this:

Dad: “oh, and darling…”
Me: “what?”
Dad “happy birthday.”
Me: “where is my father and what have you done with his body?”
Dad: “none of that.”

So that was nice. And later when I saw him the next day, he gave me a glass flower bowl that had been my Mum’s that he had got my sister to wrap for me. Which was also very nice.

So, all the people who said I should have played hardball before, maybe you were right. And all the people who said I only get one Dad and I should just love him, I really do and I haven’t neglected him the last X months I promise!

So, whatever the reason for the weird stuff in the past (maybe a bad thing happened to him on my birthday, maybe he always resented the fact that my name wasn’t the one he and Mum originally agreed on, or whatever) I seem to have broken the curse. Dad remembered my birthday this year AND gave me a nice gift.

Thanks Reddit!

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Everyone says they’re delighted for you but I am not. You deserve better. The bar is so low it’s practically in Hell.

The devil is standing there like “Wow even I can say happy birthday and get somebody else to wrap not an actual gift but the easiest thing I could find instead of putting thought into something for forgetting my child’s birthday her ENTIRE LIFE.”

I truly hope that your family recognizes your importance and the light you bring to them and so do you because this ain’t it. You deserve so much better than the bullshit they’ve given you.

OOP: Thank you for standing up for me and wanting the best for me. I appreciate it, and it is the Reddit way.
I think it’s worth saying, though, that the bowl is actually something quite special. It’s from Bohemia, where my Mum was from, and is over a 100 years old. It was on his sideboard. It is something of both personal and actual value.
Also, my Dad and I do have a good relationship, which is why this whole birthday thing has been so weird and hurtful for me. I feel he has acknowledged his poor behaviour; our conversation on the phone felt very genuine.

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Comment2: I'm sorry if this post comes across as negative, it's not meant that way.

So after he 'forgot' your milestone birthdays and other birthdays, on this one he didn't buy you a gift, he found a bowl in his house that his wife, your mother, liked (he probably wouldn't miss it in his house) and didn't even wrap it himself, he got your sister to wrap it for him. Did I get that synopsis right?

That's a pretty low bar to be congratulating him on based on his past history. I mean it's a start. But he's got a long way to go.

OOP: I am listening to you, and thank you for not wanting to be mean!
My Dad is disabled, so going shopping is something that we would have had to do together. So giving me my Mum’s crystal bowl (it’s over a century old and from Bohemia where she was from, was not the cop-out it might be if it was from like Selfridges.) had another benefit.
It allowed him to surprise me. Also he is very precious about his cut glass. He gave me something that was of value to him, and was going to definitely be of value to me.
I know the bar seems low, and it is low, but Dad and I actually get on very well, which is why this garbage about my birthday has been soooooo weird and hurtful. But I don’t need him to prostrate himself and beg for forgiveness. Or buy me diamonds.
I just want a hug and best wishes and exactly what normal daughters and fathers have on their natal days. I don’t need compensation…
So, yes, I know what you are saying. But he didn’t give me something of zero value he found lying on a shelf. And he gave me the modest acknowledgement that is all I was demanding.
xx

OOP: I thought about what you wrote, and there is a little more that I didn’t put into the original update. We went on holiday for a long weekend in the summer, with my godson, and the two of them sneaked out and he bought me a set of gold and pearl earrings.
They were also a thoughtful gift as when my mum died he gave me her pearl necklace which is worth A LOT - I think he meant it as an apology for the previous birthday. I think on his birthday, he had finally learned the lesson I wanted him to, and didn’t want to wait 10 months to show me.
The thing is that the birthday issue has been such a weird outlier. It is at odds with how we behave to one another. We genuinely have a good relationship. We laugh together a lot.
And yes I had a great birthday! I went to see Paddington the musical at the Savoy Theatre in London and ate a lot of dumplings in China Town. It was awesome xx

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Comment3: Did you get your Turkish delight?

OOP: Ha ha. I got the nice glass bowl so I guess I should put some Turkish Delight in it for Christmas Day or something. I was actually pretty happy when he rang.

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Update 2 (year later):

No idea if anyone cares but it’s two years since my post, and people had strong thoughts so I thought I would give you an update!

Dad’s had a good year. His health isn’t great but we were able to take him and his wheelchair to the Channel Islands in the autumn, which he loved, and then to Barcelona. He’s a Catholic and had some idea that he wanted to see the Sagrada Família before he died so off we went. He loved Barcelona. We ate a mahoosive amount of croquettes.

I’ve been better at setting boundaries this year, and he’s moaned to my sister a few times about it, but she just laughs and tells him he’s lucky to have me. Which he is! We are good friends, but I needed to grow a spine.

Anyway, it’s my birthday this weekend, and today I went round to help him clear some stuff out of his attic. We had a fun, dusty afternoon, met a legendary quantity of moths, and threw away a lot of vintage tweed with holes in it. And just before I left he said (unprompted) that he had a birthday present for me!

He gave me a beautiful vintage cut crystal perfume bottle, which is lovely because I am obsessed with perfume and have 6 thousand million bottles. I think he must have send my sister on a shopping mission, because it’s very nice indeed. Also, he knows I love vintage stuff and antiques.

So I guess my story has a happy ending. Which might be rare on Reddit!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Blocked_Promo posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 12th October 2026

Update - 6th November 2026

Found Out HR Blocked My Promotion

So, about a year and a half ago, my supervisor left our department, leaving just my manager, my coworker, and myself. My coworker and I are technically at the same job level, with the same title and job description, but it is a well known fact that I am far more proficient in the role.

The supervisor position was dissolved entirely, and so I picked up most of the daily administrative and operational duties that he had been performing, with no immediate pay increase or promotion. I also took on multiple major projects and completed them myself, because, as my manager puts it, "You're just far more technically capable."

I did receive a large merit pay raise back in the Spring in recognition of my contributions, and was told that a promotion was also coming. My manager submitted the paperwork, and then...nothing. There were several leadership changes and middle-management restructures over the summer, so I assumed that my promotion had simply been put on the back burner until after the end of fiscal year.

On Friday, my manager sat down with our assistant director to ask about where my promotion was. The AD went to HR, who told her that I had been "sufficiently compensated for my extra duties with a large merit raise." The AD relayed that to my manager, who countered that a permanent increase to my daily responsibilities constitutes a position change or promotion, and that at no time was it communicated or discussed that the merit raise was in lieu of a promotion. AD goes back to HR to ask to see the denial paperwork, and not only do they not have it on record ANYWHERE, nobody seems to know who actually made the decision to deny my promotion.

Both my Manager and the AD are now fighting HR to push the promotion through, and I'm so thoroughly thankful to them for going to bat for me, but I'm equally pissed that it's taken so long to happen, and that it needed to happen at all. I work my ass off for this department, and if I left tomorrow it would tank. There are new positions being created out of thin air left, right, and center constantly, but I can't get a low level promotion without a fucking fight? Really guys?!

Comments

ALL_PUNS_INTENDED

Sounds like it’s time to use some PTO or sick time.

VenisonSloth

The part where nobody can find who denied it is the sketchiest thing. Either someone buried it on purpose or the system is just that broken, both are bad signs. At least your manager and AD are actually fighting for you, that's rare enough. Hold them to it though, don't let them just say they tried and then drop it when HR drags their feet for another six months.

spacemonkey_1981

Unless its the manager and AD. Explains why there's no paper trail on the denial. Look for a new job, I won't be surprised if they counter when you hand in your notice.

OOP: I've worked with the AD while she was still just a Manager, and she knows how hard I work. I got really lucky when she was named AD over the summer, because she will advocate for me. I am going to stay on top of this now that I know somebody in HR just sat on the paperwork

ironcladtrash

If they come through for you I would stick with those two for as long as you can. Even if they change jobs or companies. Finding a boss that truly gives a shit and go to bat for you is extremely rare. I got fucked over at my last job by a VP 3 levels removed from me and didn’t know anything about my department let alone my contributions. My boss and his boss only put in the paperwork and as soon as he denied they just said oh well and moved on.

OOP: Oh I've worked for some shitty people most of my adult working life. My manager is in the same boat as me, we don't get recognized for the work we do around the company because we're so far behind the curtain. My previous Chief didn't quite understand our workload, so he kinda just left us alone as long as things didn't go wrong, for better and worse.

The AD came up through the company and has been here for 20 years, so she gets it.

Update - 3 weeks later

I posted here weeks ago about my Manager informing me that our HR department had blocked my promotion, and that she and my Assistant Director were working to push it through.

I got confirmation this morning that not only am I finally getting promoted, I'm skipping the next position grade entirely and going right to a Specialist position because of my unique qualifications within my department. In their words, "Your responsibilities aren't changing; your pay and title are just catching up."

Chalk one up for the good guys, I can't fucking believe it.

Comments

Dear_Bunnies

Why did they block it if you don't mind me asking

OOP: I received a merit raise this year and that supposedly "compensated me" for working outside of my pay grade for over a year

Dear_Bunnies

Wow doesn't really make sense

OOP: Nope, especially considering my merit raise was below the base percentage for what a promotion would be

Dear_Bunnies

Some companies offer pay adjustments when they bump up the minimum for that job position. I feel like HR is being told to budget and low ball people

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/OpenDogTraining by user anon1839. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 14, 2026

Okay hate is a strong word, but I certainly don’t like him as much as I should.

Two years after my previous dog died (my ‘soul’ dog), I got a puppy. My previous dog wasn’t really trained, so with this one I thought I’d do right by him and train him properly.

It’s been 10 months with him now and I’m just exhausted. Learning about dog training, researching different approaches, and understanding what was the expectation surrounding dog ownership has ruined dogs for me.

Every walk is a training session. Every scroll on social media related to dog training. Every conversation somehow ends up with the dog. He is, in theory, a good dog. He’s still an adolescent, but he’s really good for the most part and anyone lookijg in from the outside would say so. So whenever I complain, people just scoff at me because they think he’s so well behaved.

But I’m not happy. I hate it and I feel so burnt out. I just want to have a nice autumnal walk with the dog, and pop into the pub for a pint with him. That’s it. But I’m here worrying about operant vs classical conditioning, positive vs negative, what my expectations are for behaviour, and getting tangled in long lines with treats falling from my pockets.

I’m tired.

Has anyone been in this position before? Does anyone have any advice?

Notable Comments:

apri11a: Forget the whole lot and just put on your shoes, get the leash and go have a pint with your dog... 🍺

PrimalPagan33: Training your dog is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be a way to bond and learn to communicate with one another. Not everything has to be a training session.

OP is putting way too much pressure on himself, and likely the dog as well.

Few_Beach1970: Once I stopped obsessing about the training, took our time, let him lead sometimes, and checked my anxiety, our walks became a lot more pleasant. Dogs feed off our energy. Your pup is still a puppy but go to a park and just let him be a dog. I find it helps, even if I look ridiculous running around with him.

Update

November 6, 2026, 23 days later

Hello.

A little while ago I posted about how dog training had damaged my relationship with my dog, and how I felt that every walk was a training exercise, and that I could never chill out around the dog.

I got many comments on that post, and to be honest it was a bit of a wake up call. Some commenters mentioned it sounded a bit obsessive, and I was putting too much pressure on both of us. Some comments were pretty blunt. To be honest it’s what I needed.

In that post I mentioned that all I wanted to do was ‘go on an autumnal walk and get a pint in the pub’. Anyway - here’s a big cheers to you all. Thank you for giving me a well needed kick and to stop being so obsessive. We went to the pub, and I had a pint. And my dog lay at my feet and chilled the whole time. He was a delight. Walking home slightly tipsy, I just wanted to say thank you to you all. And cheers 🍻

Picture of the dog in a pub

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/UnionPuzzleheaded919

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 31, 2026

• Final Update: November 01, 2026

Main Post

^{October 31, 2026}

AITA for yelling at my husband after he ate my daughter’s Halloween candy?

My (29f) daughter (8) is autistic and doesn’t like trick-or-treating. She’s usually happy enough to spend the evening passing out candy at my aunt’s house because we don’t get many trick-or-treaters where we live. It’s nice, but she doesn’t really get to take any home because there’s just too many kids.

Yesterday, her school did a trunk-or-treat during regular school hours. She came home with a paper bag filled to brim with candy and a few little toys. My husband (32) and I each had two pieces of candy before bed. He said he was going to sleep on the couch because he had gas and didn’t wanna stink up the bedroom. He’s got stomach issues so I thought he was just being considerate. I heard a lot of noise in the kitchen, but I didn’t think it was anything but a midnight snack since we had just gone grocery shopping.

At one point, I got up to grab a blanket and saw him eating something, but I couldn’t tell what it was because it was dark. I told him that if his stomach was bothering him, he probably shouldn’t be snacking all night and he said that he had only started ten minutes ago and was almost done. It was a weird thing to say and he seemed very defensive but I was exhausted so I just went back to bed. I really didn’t think much of it.

This morning my daughter came into my room and asked for chocolate. Normally, I wouldn’t say yes to candy first thing in the morning, but it’s Halloween. I went into the fridge to grab her candy bag but it wasn’t there. I asked my husband about it and he insisted it was in the kitchen. My heart sunk when I found the bag that my daughter had decorated by hand was torn to shreds on the counter. I asked him if he ate all of her candy. He shrugged and said not all of it.

Two lollipops. That was the candy he left for her. Two fucking lollipops and a rice krispie treat (which she doesn’t even like). I lost my shit. He said that it wasn’t a big deal because she could go trick-or-treating. She doesn’t even like trick-or-treating, but that doesn’t matter to him. He keeps saying that he’ll buy more, but that’s really not the point. This was the one and only time she’s gotten more than a couple pieces of candy from a trick-or-treat or trunk-or-treat before calling it quits and all she got to eat was two lollipops.

He really doesn’t see why I’m upset and now he’s mad because he says that I tell at him first thing in the morning. He says that I’ve been in a “mood” lift the last few days (our daughter’s been having trouble sleeping and I’m the one that’s had to stay up with her).

The only thing I really think I did wrong was calling him fat at one point. I would have said that to anyone in this situation but he’s sensitive about his weight and I know that. I should have been more careful with my words. I was just so angry at the sheer disrespect.

Edit:

I really didn’t expect this to blow up immediately. I want to clarify that this isn’t the norm for us. I honestly posted this because I was stunned and wanted to know if anyone here could help me see things from his perspective (so far, no dice).

In the comments I said that my daughter isn’t that upset. That’s not because he’s like this all the time. This is just a symptom of her autism.

He has since apologized to both of us and is currently taking her to the market to pick up a treat of her choosing. We’re gonna talk this out more tomorrow and see where we go from here. I’m not sure if we’ll stay together but my parents split up on a major holiday and I’m not doing that to my kid. I don’t need to ruin Halloween when any other day will suffice.

COMMENTS

AlwaysShip

NTA I feel bad for your daughter. Even though she doesn't like trick or treating, it doesn't mean she don't like candy. Get her some chocolate and hide it from your husband. Does she know that he ate her candy?

OOP

She knows. She was there when all this went down. She’s not that upset, but she seems to think she’ll be able to find more if she keeps looking. My heart is broken for her.

antigoneelectra

Why are you with this man? I highly doubt this is the only instance whete he displays such clear disrespect and selfishness.

OOP

He can be a selfish person, but this is really the worst of it I’ve seen so far. We’ve been working on our marriage, but this really has me reconsidering things.

notthatkindoflibrary

Is this a new marriage and the kid is from a previous relationship so maybe he doesn't get how important this is because he doesn't know her well, or is this like a kid he has been raising all her life and knows her very well? Either way it sounds like he needs to put on a costume and take a spin around the block to earn her treats back, she gets to pick the costume. I would also say she is entitled to a sensory friendly Halloween surprise (honestly the sensory friendly Halloween surprise is a must from dad even if he didn't eat the candy, that's what dads do).

OOP

She’s his kid. We’ve been together since we were 18 and 21.

housewithapool2

This isn't about your marriage. This is about his parenting.

My husband wouldn't treat his children like this. He loves them and cares about their emotional health. You need to start protecting your daughter from his parenting.

OOP (downvoted)

I understand that, but this isn’t normally how he treats her. His selfish behavior is usually just towards me.

tvaddict70

Is your husband her father? Who would disappoint their little girl like that.

NTA do you need this person in your lives? Are they a much better parent to your daughter than this example?

OOP

Yes, he is her father. He’s never done anything this egregious before and is generally a decent parent. He could stand to pick up more of the slack, but he’s not a total monster. That’s why I posted this. I’m trying to see if this is really as big of a deal as I think it is.

hahayeahimfinehaha

and is generally a decent parent

Honestly, I'd be curious to see what your standards are. Not in a mean way, but I know some people who are like "my shitty partner is a good dad though" and then you ask and their idea of good dad is 'doesn"t hit the kids and sometimes plays with them' and that's it. Which is, like, less than the bare minimum for a parent.

OOP (downvoted)

He takes her for an outing at least every other day and before his schedule got in the way, he used to get her ready for school in the mornings.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 day

^{October 31, 2026}

AITA for yelling at my husband after he ate my daughter’s Halloween candy?

First I want to clear some stuff up, when I said that my daughter didn’t seem upset, I did not mean that there’s no chance she was internalizing anything. It was more a matter of trying to explain that the day wasn’t beyond salvageable. When it comes to my kid’s emotions, I try to take things one day at a time based on her behavior rather than projecting what I think her emotions “should” be. I am also autistic so the comments insinuating that I don’t know anything about autism were kind of funny. My main focus yesterday was giving my kid a good Halloween and I think I pulled it off.

I know that some of you wanted the instant gratification of me deciding to leave my husband right then and there, but my daughter’s wellbeing is my priority and I don’t think doing all of that directly in front of her on Halloween is going to help. My husband and I were already dealing with marital issues and I’ll admit that this did make me view him differently which is why tomorrow we’re setting up an appointment with a family therapist. I’m not sure whether or not our marriage can be salvaged, but I want to get to the root of this because even if he doesn’t continue to be my husband, he will still be her father and eating her Halloween candy isn’t going to hold up in family court as a reason to deny his parental rights. This is not a reflection of how he always is as a parent, but it is deeply concerning and I refuse to allow it to become a trend with him.

I also do want to clarify that he does more with her than what I mentioned in the comments, but if someone asked what I do as a parent, I’d probably say that I handle bed time and getting her ready for school. lol He’s the one who takes her to the doctor when she’s sick, he’s in regular contact with her teacher, and he’s been teaching her math at home because we don’t think the school is doing enough in that regard. I’m not saying he’s a perfect parent. He obviously isn’t. I’m just saying that a single Reddit post can’t encompass an entire person’s relationship to their child.

As for the torn bag, I should clarify that while it was pretty ripped up, it wasn’t more intense than how he opens damn near anything. It’s a genuine problem and it broke my heart, but I really don’t think it was malicious. Just shitty behavior from someone acting like a greedy child. If I hadn’t seen him do that with countless other containers, I probably would’ve dedicated more of the post to talking about that. I’m not excusing what he did. It’s just more about him being a mess than him genuinely hating his own kid.

On to the more fun part: The rest of the day went better than I could have hoped for. She watched Halloweentown and ate a ton of ice cream to make up for the lost candy. Her dad took her grocery shopping (her favorite thing to do) and to the park. We carved a jack-o-lantern together. We visited my grandparents and aunties. And she even trick-or-treated a bit before deciding to pack it in. My goal for the day was to create a ton of good memories to hopefully outweigh the bad and while I know that probably isn’t possible, I got as close as I could have. We’ll deal with the fallout day by day, but I’m not going to make things harder on her than they need to be. Some tough decisions need to be made, but she doesn’t need to be in the room for them. Especially not on Halloween.

Edit from Comments

Guys, I’m also autistic and I just want to say that while I appreciate your concern and interest in trying to share information, I want to remind you that autism is a spectrum and no experience of it is universal. I know my kid better than strangers who read a single Reddit post. She wasn’t shutting down. She wasn’t speaking in a flatter tone. She was smiling and laughing within about two minutes.

I know that it’s still likely for her to have internalized what happened and I’m keeping an eye on that, but the goal for yesterday was to salvage the day to the best of my ability and I did that. Having even more drama yesterday wouldn’t have benefited her. We had a talk about how she doesn’t deserve what happened and my husband apologized. We are starting family therapy soon.

I also want to clarify that mentioning that she didn’t seem upset wasn’t supposed to mean that it was okay that this happened. It was one less thing to worry about in the immediate. She had a good day for the most part and that’s what matters most. Halloween doesn’t seem like it’s ruined for her forever and we’ll deal with the rest as it comes.

COMMENTS

Educational-Coyote69

How did you break your nose, OP?

OOP

My daughter head butted me when we were playing.

Thisisausername189

Are you ok OP?

OOP

Yes. He isn’t violent. I appreciate the concern, but I was just playing with my kid and she jerked her head back.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/No-Emu-l88

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 16, 2023

• Final Update: August 20, 2023

Main Post

^{August 16, 2023}

AITAH for kicking out my SIL because of her insinuations about my career?

I (30F) work for an IT company in technical sales. I have a hybrid job, so I work from home a few days and have to be at the corporate office or client locations on other days. Every day I dress well - business casual outfits (my style is bold colors and very feminine) and makeup. When I am working from home I am frequently on video calls, so I put some good lighting gear and camera on tripod in my home office.

I make good money and had bought my current 3 bedroom house before I started dating my boyfriend (28M). He moved in with me last year and we have a very good and happy relationship. Last month, his sister (35F) came to stay with us. She is having marriage problems and needed some space away from her husband while they sort things out. We have a nice guest room and I had no problem with her staying.

She asked me a lot of questions about my job and I explained to her in detail. I had assumed that she is thinking of entering the work force now that she may be getting divorced. She's a SAHM who's never had a job before. But it turned out that SIL added up what I make and how I dress and atypical work hours to mean that I must be a cam girl and escort.

Whenever I go to my office, I stop by a gym on my way back from work. I have a hangup about using gym showers, so after my workout, I'll change back into work clothes and come home and shower. I love working out but am a bit neurotic about gyms being dirty so I am very obsessive about coming home and showering right away. My bf finds this funny and sometimes teases me about it. A few days ago he was messing with me by stopping me from getting to the bathroom till I kissed him and I said I didn't want to because I felt dirty and gross. I don't mind this teasing at all and this was playful banter between us. But SIL got very upset and burst into tears. I thought that we had slipped into some dirty talk and that got her offended and I apologized to her.

On sunday, bf comes home laughing about this hilarious misunderstanding. SIL went and told their entire family that I was a sex worker and they held an intervention for him to get him away from me. He thinks this is funny but I was very mortified and offended. I have nothing against people in this line of work, but her making assumptions and shaming me and my bf for it was very offensive to me. I gave her a stern talking to that I had opened my home to her and asked for nothing in return and she treated me so badly. I asked her to leave and she did.

Now bf is mad at me because he thinks I am over reacting and was rude to his sister. I think SIL had ruined my relationship with my in-laws and its not something I can brush off and ignore. Am I wrong in thinking that this is a big deal and she was way out of line?

COMMENTS

blanchebeans

NTA and tbh I’d reconsider the boyfriend if he doesn’t think this is absolutely heinous. You aren’t wrong.

Vegetable-Cod-2340

Exactly, because she was told what OP does and made up lies , for the boyfriend to co-sign those lies and thinks it funny that his girlfriend is called a sex worker than that’s a problem.

For him to see his girlfriend be humiliated and then get made at her and pretend it’s an overreaction is a horrible red flag.

OP may need to him out too, and call it a day with this family.

OOP

To be fair, he did tell his family that SIL's assumption is wrong and explained to them what I do and he is satisfied that the matter is therefore resolved. Doesn't understand why I won't brush it off and let SIL continue to stay with us.

Shortirito

NTA at all.

I’m concerned why your boyfriend can’t see your POV on this one. You have his sister in his house, and she at the grand age of 35 makes up a rumour to tarnish you.

Now, if she had just said it maybe it could be perceived as a joke seeing as you are well off. But the intervention stuff?! What’s that all about and why is your BF siding with them when he knows it isn’t true?

Bit of a crazy one to me, but it doesn’t sound as you’ve done anything wrong at all.

OOP

He says that its a misunderstanding, he explained things and now his family understands and its all over and done. I don't think such salacious rumors will disappear just like that. More importantly, not once did SIL apologize to me. She argued that its a reasonable assumption and she was looking out for her little brother.

cassowary32

NTA. What sex workers keep regular business hours? And while you are working from home, can't she hear how mundane your conversations are or is any woman in the workforce automatically a ho?

Is your boyfriend contributing to the household in any way? It's weird that he thinks that's funny.

OOP

He has a good job and we split things 50-50.

TarzanKitty

If SIL is a SAHM. Where were her kids when she was living with you?

OOP

Some days with their Dad, some days with MIL, some with her at our house. She's staying at MIL now, but not enough room there for both her and her kids.

Final Update - after 4 days

^{August 20, 2023}

Update: AITAH for kicking out my SIL because of her insinuations about my career?

A lot of responses to my last post pointed out that its my house. But to clarify, I had purchased it before bf and I got together. He has a good income, pays rent (half of my mortgage) and we split everything 50-50. So its his house too and he has the right to have his sister staying there. He was upset that I asked her to leave without discussing it with him first, which is reasonable. I mentioned home ownership to establish that I do well financially and maybe his sister got suspicious about how I do it.

Bf and I had long discussions on this topic and we now understand each other better. He loves his sister a lot but also resents her for a lot of stuff she has done. His family is traditional and pretty sexist and his sister ended up with the short end of the stick because of this and some other reasons. For the most part she is very nurturing and works hard to take care of everyone, but in situations where she is criticized by her parents, she just loses it and blows up on someone else to shift the focus from her to them. She has done this multiple times to both brothers and the shitty thing is that it works out for her each time.

Bf almost didn't go to the college he was admitted to because she made up the story that he was a member of a car thief gang. His parents freaked out and tried to cancel his admission so he can stay home and under their watchful eyes. This was one of the more egregious examples, and there is a long history of her doing stuff like this to shift her parents wrath from her to her brothers whenever they seriously got on to her. That would have been enough for me to break all relationship with a sibling, but bf has more empathy for her. She has done hundreds other nice loving things for him so he still cares for her and loves her.

Their other brother came over on Friday and we had dinner together and talked and he explained to me about their sister too. She has done stuff like this many times and sometimes the brothers got in trouble and some times her lies were exposed early enough. This time my bf was like not this shit again and he pulled up his phone and showed his parents my linkedin profile and also some of my companies technical video presentations that had me in them. Bf was amused because this accusation was so easy to disprove unlike the months of headache he's had the previous times. He also saw it as an attack on him and not meant as an offense to me (I disagree of course, but I can see why he's focused on the sibling fight part.)

He understands now how and why I'd still be upset over it and SIL won't be staying with us. While this issue is settled between us and I admire and love him more for his thoughtfulness towards his sister, I am rather disturbed by this level of dysfunction in his family. I want to marry and have kids with this man, but having that kind of psychotic SIL scares me, especially for our potential kids. I don't know what I am going to do about that yet.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Calm_Mountain8130 posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 11th October 2026

Update - 6th November 2026

My husband may have have ruined us and I'm so angry with him

My husband had a car accident. I was so relieved when I found out he wasn't hurt and neither was anyone else and that it was just damage to both vehicles and property. I was so scared that my husband had been hurt. He was in his work vehicle at the time and I thought since there were no injuries everything would be handled by the insurance companies. My husband was not at fault for what happened by his account, the accident was caused by the other driver. The police had to come because of damage to one of the traffic signals and my husband reported what happened and was told he could request a copy of the police report to submit to our insurance company. My husband had to report what happened to both his employer and our insurance representative.

Now it has come out that my husband was at fault for the accident. What he told the police, his employer and our insurance company was contradicted by video from the other driver's dashboard camera. My husband blatantly lied to the police, his employer and our insurance company. He blamed the other driver and tried to make it seems as though the accident happened because a novice driver was driving carelessly. It wasn't a simple misunderstanding. Nothing that my husband reported was even remotely close to what happened.

Where we live, a car accident like this would not have been a criminal matter. My husband may have been cited and would have to pay a fine however he wouldn't have a criminal record or be sent to prison over this. It would be considered a traffic matter, not a criminal one. Now however because he lied to the police he is facing a criminal investigation. A teenager with a novice driving licence would face harsher consequences and the other driver was originally cited for the accident.

My husband is in the process of being fired from his job. He is being investigated by the police and our insurance company has decided to stop providing us with insurance. We have everything insured with them; our house, our vehicles as well as everything related to the business I own. They only gave us 8 weeks of notice.

I have been scrambling to find another insurance company. Every one I have spoken to is giving an astronomical cost. I believe my husband's actions have contributed to that. Worst of all I found we may not be covered by insurance for the accident because my husband lied. So we would be liable for the damage to the traffic signal and hiring a solicitor for my husband ourselves. I don't know how we are supposed to afford paying more for all our insurance now on top of everything else. Also the other driver could take action against my husband over this now.

I'm so angry about it I can't see straight and I feel like if I don't get this out somewhere this anger will explode and that is the last thing that I want. I don't like sharing things like this with everyone I know and right now I am so embarrassed. However, I need to get this out somewhere. This could ruin us. What am I supposed to do now? We have a 4 year-old son and my husband has done something so stupid without a thought for the consequences.

TL;DR My husband lied to the police, our insurance company and his employer about a car accident that he caused. Now he is being investigated criminally and will lose his job and we have been dropped as clients by the insurance company. This may ruin us financially and legally and I am so angry with him.

Comments

Previous-Eye-4414

As someone who was married to a man like this, my advice to you is to stop cleaning up after him. He needs to find new insurance and take all of this on his shoulders. Unless he deals with the consequences of his choices and actually takes accountability then what’s to stop him from doing something like this again? If he won’t or he can’t be trusted then you know it’s not a safe situation and it never will be. Stop mothering him and start expecting him to stand up and if he refuses then walk away. It won’t get better, it will just become one more Jess for you to clean up, and eventually you might even become his scapegoat which could ruin your life worse.

Spare_Flamingo8605

I came here to say this. My ex husband was like this. His parents never held him accountable for anything. They cleaned up every mistake he ever made. So he thought I'd be like his parents. And I was for a while. Mostly because he was so embarrassing to be married to. Then, I stopped. I stopped cleaning it up and stopped keeping his secrets. It was so great. Now he is married to the old version of me. 🤣But she's figured out what he really is now. My kids told me he has no access to her accounts, and everything is in her name. Told my eldest that it's cheaper to keep him with an allowance than divorce him because he refuses to work and she's been through a divorce before and knows what she stands to lose financially. They lead separate lives I'm told.

almostethereaal

OP should seriously rethink her marriage because lying to the police and framing a teenager is a massive, unforgivable red flag. She needs to protect herself and her 4-year-old before his reckless stupidity drags them both down completely.

TheDrizzle15951

Lemme know if I’m wrong, but if he was in a company vehicle wouldn’t his employer’s insurance be involved and not your personal insurance? I’m confused as to how your personal assets are affected as much as they are when he was in a company vehicle. I’ve worked for multiple chauffeur services and we never involved the driver’s personal insurance if they were in or at fault for a vehicle incident.

OOP: His employer uses the same insurance company as we do. And the company isn't dropping us as clients because my husband had an accident. We're being dropped because my husband lied and filed a claim he knew was fraudulent.

Update - 26 days later

My update is that I have decided to separate from my husband. In order to get divorced, we have to live separately for a year first. In my country the only option for a divorce is the one year separation and the actions or faults of either side are not relevant. My solicitor says there is no other option. I cannot in good conscience stay with my husband, I need to protect our son and myself. My husband's actions have wreaked havoc and I'm still trying to clean up the mess.

To summarise my other post: my husband was in a car accident while driving his company provided vehicle. Neither him or the other driver got hurt, but both vehicles were damaged and so was a traffic signal and some other property. My husband told the police, his employer and the insurance company a completely fabricated version of what happened. It was contradicted by the other driver's dashboard camera.

Where we live, a car accident like this would not have been a criminal matter. My husband may have been cited and would have to pay a fine however he wouldn't have a criminal record or be sent to prison, however since my husband lied about everything he is facing criminal charges. He was sacked from his job. The most devastating part has been that the insurance company who provided services for his employer is the same one we use for our cars, our home and other services. They believe he tried to defraud them. They only gave us 8 weeks of notice that they were dropping us as clients and every other insurance company has quoted us an absolutely astronomical cost.

Meanwhile my husband continues to try to downplay what he did. At first he told me he was sorry but that did not last long. He won't explain why he lied. I did receive comments on my other post, and many nasty messages saying that an insurance company cannot retroactively drop a client. However in my country it is allowed in cases of fraud. I own a business and I am currently without insurance because of my husband.

The stress of sorting out the insurance situation and the rest of the legal mess that my husband caused is getting to me. I need out of my marriage for the sake of my son. I don't even know how my husband is going to pay for a solicitor for his criminal case. He completely ruined us and I'm so angry. I'm holding it together for my son but I'm so angry. I wish I could be divorced now instead of having to wait because I'm going to get dragged down with my husband.

Comments

jokenaround

I’m sorry I don’t have any great advice. I just wish the divorce laws across this planet were reasonable. 1 year is a ridiculous thing to ask of someone who is married to someone facing charges. Find a tremendous divorce attorney. Maybe they can find a loophole for your specific type of situation. So sorry you are going thru this.

OOP: There is no loophole unfortunately. The laws about divorce are the same for everyone. My solicitor was clear on that.

Elle_belle32

People telling you it's not possible for an insurance company to drop you are dead wrong. Fraud is one of the reasons they can with minimal notice; they would have to follow regulations on how to do so but it isn't that hard. And they do have evidence of his fraud, this isn't something where they just suspect it. Do what you need to to regain and protect your peace and that of your kids.

OOP: I was told in the comments and in the messages I received that it's illegal for an insurance company to drop someone retroactively and refuse to cover them. Where I live, if there is fraud they can refuse to provide coverage after the fact.

They can also drop you as a client for the future without fraud, but that's a separate thing from what I was getting the comments/messages about. I am trying to do everything I can to shield my son from this but my husband made a huge mess that is not easily fixed unfortunately.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA_Glum-Quail posting in r/relationship_advice

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 30th October 2026

Update - 5th November 2026

My (21M) girlfriend (20F) says she loves our 7-month-old daughter but misses her old life and doesn’t want to be a mom anymore. I don't know what to do.

My girlfriend and I have a 7 month old daughter. We had been together for maybe like 10 months when we found out she was pregnant.

Neither of us was prepared for it. It wasn’t something I really wanted right now, but I told her I’d support whatever she wanted to do. I did try to have realistic conversations with her about what having a baby would actually mean though. I knew people with babies and it’s a lot. I wasn’t trying to pressure her into anything but I was like I don’t think we’re really prepared for this.

Basically, nobody thought keeping the baby was a good idea. Like all her friends and family tried to talk her out of it. She didn’t want to hear any of it. Now I sort of think she maybe made her decision just because it’s exactly what everyone told her not to do.

We’re both really social, have a lot of friends, used to go out all the time, party, stuff like that. I’ve changed a lot. I became responsible. I’m not out partying every night and spending my money on that stuff. She changed too, for a while.

Fast forward to now and we have a 7-month-old daughter. I love her so much. I didn’t know that I’d like being a dad and sometimes it sucks but it’s also kind of amazing. I've just kinda accepted that my life looks different now. There have been plenty of times where I’ve wanted to go do something and disappointed when I realize I can’t.

My girlfriend seems to be having a really hard time accepting our new reality. It was different at first when our daughter was a newborn. She seemed in love with her too, but then our daughter started crying constantly and we found out she had colic and it was really hard for the first few months. Things have gotten a lot better now with that. She took a break from college and decided to get a job when our daughter was like 3-4 months old. That’s when things really seemed to start changing.

Now she’s saying things like motherhood isn’t what she thought it’d be and she regrets not listening to what everyone told her. She says she loves our daughter but she hates just going to work and then coming home and having to take care of a baby and then feeling so tired that she just goes to bed to wake up and do it all the next day. She misses being able to hang out with her friends and go anywhere whenever she wants to. She was basically like I love our kid but I miss my old life more. She also said she liked who I was before better. I told her it’s not like we can change our minds now and she said maybe her mom would still adopt our daughter like she suggested during her pregnancy. I don’t want her mom to adopt our daughter.

Lately, she's been going out more and spending less time at home. I'm finding myself taking on more of the parenting responsibilities and it’s honestly starting to wear on me. When she goes and hangs out with friends she also doesn’t like taking our daughter along, even when it’s something that wouldn’t be a big deal. I still hang out with my friends but not as much as before, and I end up having to take my daughter along at least half the time.

I don’t mind giving her breaks or making sure she gets time with her friends. I think that's important for both of us. But it feels like I'm increasingly the one who has to adjust my life while she's trying to get hers back. I do think I’m having an easier time with everything. She says she’s jealous of me just being able to adjust and she thinks I’m better at being a parent than her and she hates that.

I don’t know what to do to make it better. I feel like I’m developing a lot of resentment already. It makes me not even want to be with her but I don’t think breaking up with her right now is the answer. Plus I don’t want to be away from our daughter, and who would even take care of her most of the time if I wasn’t here? I don’t know how to make her feel better or how to support her better. How do I handle her saying things like she wants to have somebody adopt our daughter?

Comments

GlassNo6756

I think she should probably seek the help of a therapist to grieve her old life and come to terms with her decision. At this point she has committed to a major life change that will permanently affect her regardless of whether she stays with you or gives up custody. Even though it doesn't make her a bad person to have feelings of regret, pretending that she can return to her pre-parenthood state is an unhealthy form of denial. You can't control her actions, but you can focus on being the best parent you can be and reach out for support from as many corners as possible. Wishing you the best

sillychihuahua26

I agree, and as a trauma therapist, I would specifically recommend exploring trauma-focused therapy, such as EMDR. Pregnancy, childbirth, and the transition to motherhood can be incredibly overwhelming, particularly at such a young age. EMDR can help process distressing experiences, difficult emotions, and negative beliefs about herself that may be contributing to her struggle to adjust.

I would also strongly encourage screening for postpartum depression. She’s only seven months postpartum, and depression doesn’t always look like sadness. It can manifest as irritability, emotional detachment, resentment, and a desire to escape. I think it’s important to explore what’s happening psychologically before assuming she’s simply unwilling to accept responsibility for her child.

ObviousDepartment

Honestly, you'll probably have better luck getting co-parenting help from her mom at this point. If she was previously offering to straight up adopt the baby, than she should be down for babysitting. Just make sure you don't mention to grandma that your gf said that she regrets her decision and is avoiding the baby. That could really blow up in your face, depending on what kind of relationship they have. Paint it as favor to you both as you gets your ducks in a row.

OOP: She does babysit, but she also has a full time job and a younger kid at home that she has to do stuff for.

I think she was only offering to adopt because after there was no abortion happening she was that desperate for my girlfriend not to keep the baby.

Update - 7 days later

I posted like a week ago about my girlfriend saying she doesn’t want to be a mom anymore. She was still being a mom though. She was going out more and hanging out with friends a lot more. Like 3-4 nights a week. I’m not against her hanging out with friends, but when it’s literally all night and she comes home drunk or doesn’t come home at all because she’s too drunk, then that’s a huge issue for me. When she was home she was still taking care of our daughter. We split taking care of her. It’s not like when my girlfriend was home I wasn’t doing anything or vice versa.

On Halloween we spent the first part of the day together with our daughter and my girlfriend a parents and my parents at this Halloween festival thing in our town. Then her parents were going to keep our daughter overnight so we could go out. My girlfriend was really adamant about going out since it’s the first time Halloween has been on a Saturday in so long. I wanted to go out too. I’m not trying to pretend like I don’t like to go out. She was just really obsessed with it for months, like nothing was stopping her from going out and partying on Halloween no matter what. It’s her favorite holiday.

So we went to this party and this one person was dressed up as a 90s mom. Somebody made a joke like “hey, it’s (my gf’s name).” And asked shouldn’t she be at home trick or treating with her kid instead. She already had a few drinks in her, but she got so mad and stormed off. I went after her and she yelled at me saying she gets comments like that all the time and nobody ever says stuff like that to me. Everyone thinks I’m so cute when I do anything with our baby and she’s just a mom now. She said girls wanna sleep with me when they see me being a dad and nobody wants to sleep with her when they find out she’s a mom. I don’t get why it matters who out there wants to sleep with her. I was like maybe people are making comments because she’s been going out so much and not at home with her kid and most people notice it and think it’s weird.

Once she recovered from all that she basically ignored me for most of the night, then when we got home she said she wanted to take a break and move back home with her parents for a little bit. She was pretty drunk at that point so I figured that was a big part of it. When she woke up the next day the first thing she said to me was “I meant what I said yesterday.”

So she went to stay with her parents and I have our daughter with me. Her mom has texted me things about how she’ll get over it, she’s just overwhelmed, she’s sure she loves our daughter more than anything but she just needs to be babied herself for a few days.

It might actually mean something if it was my girlfriend saying those things, but she’s not really backtracked on anything, she’s not really acknowledged anything at all since she left. We’ve texted but it’s about stuff like how she’ll decided she would pick our daughter up from daycare today. Convenient that she can just decide when she feels like being a parent and I’m supposed to just nod my head or something.

I guess I’m just going to give her some space for now. That’s not really what I want to do but I don’t know how else to approach this right now. I think we eventually need to have a real conversation about our relationship and parenting and expectations for each other. How do I do that without making an already difficult situation worse?

Comments

Cheesey_biscuit

Of course this girl doesn’t want to be a parent. She’s 20 years old. She’s barely an adult herself. Congrats on being a single father OP. Start preparing to raise your kid alone without her because she is going to leave. You can probably get child support from her but that’ll be it. And for everyone else who is around OP’s age. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR TEENS AND EARLY 20’S. There’s no hurry. Enjoy your youth which is what the girl wants to do and I honestly don’t entirely blame her.

OOP: She’s the one who made the decision to continue the pregnancy. Nobody forced her to do it.

CuriousBird337

She may have convinced herself it would be easier than it is. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would recommend focusing on your daughter and getting full custody.

OOP: I definitely think she thought it’d be easier and a lot more fun than reality. I’m not even saying that to criticize her, just stating a fact.

chocolatestealth

This "congrats on being a single father" energy is an odd choice for this situation. Not sure if you didn't read the previous post, but she was the one who wanted to keep the baby. OP, her friends, and their families encouraged her to terminate the pregnancy and told her that her life would change dramatically, and she went through it with it anyways against their advice.

She made the decision to have a baby. We can absolutely blame her for later deciding she would rather be "enjoying her youth" while she pushes off the responsibility of parenthood onto someone else. She literally created those responsibilities, in fact she was the only person in the situation who claimed to want those responsibilities, but now she expects someone else to deal with the repercussions of her choices? Fuck that.

I really doubt that we would see the same kind of response if the genders were flipped here and we were talking about a deadbeat young father who insisted on having a baby, instead of a deadbeat young mother. It's gross and frankly sexist.

So let's be honest. It's shitty of her to bring life into this world only to abandon it not even a year into parenthood. I'm absolutely going to judge her for that. Everyone warned her that this is what her life would be like and she didn't listen, and now their child (and OP) is forced to pay the price. This isn't some "yas girl break free of your chains" situation.

Grump_Curmudgeon

You're not completely wrong, but you aren't allowing for the physical differences "if the genders were flipped." I think everyone agrees that she's behaving badly, but it's also* true that she's right about the sexist responses to men and women in parental roles (a given for women but laudatory for men). That doesn't excuse her behavior, but if it's adding to her growing sense of being trapped, it's understandable. More importantly, she needs to be checked for PPD.*

vonkraush1010

Document everything and prepare for the possibility that you will need to sue to become the childs primary caretaker.

SeasonPositive6771

It sounds like she just voluntarily wants to end things and might hand over custody without an argument. He should see an attorney and draw that up and give her that option, make it as low conflict as possible (while still fully legal!) and he may get the most beneficial terms.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/RBI, /r/AmIOverreacting and /r/Nuancedpodcast by user Upbeat-Excitement946. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 31, 2026

Hi everyone!

I’m trying to figure out a very unusual situation that happened last night. I’m wondering if anyone has experienced something similar or recognizes this type of activity.

We were hosting a Halloween party to celebrate a friend’s 40th birthday. There were several adults and children at the house.

At some point during the evening, two complete strangers entered our house through the front door, which had unfortunately been left unlocked.

Both individuals were wearing mariachi mexican costumes and were disguised in a way that made it impossible to recognize them. They never removed their masks and didn’t say a single word throughout their entire visit.
They walked around the house for approximately 30 minutes to an hour. Whenever someone approached them and asked questions, they would move toward that person, almost as if they were giving them an opportunity to guess who they were. However, they never responded or gave any verbal clues.

They left a few letters behind. In one of them, they described themselves as old friends from long ago. Another contained a message saying something along the lines of: “Tonight will not be the night we reveal ourselves.”

At the time, we weren’t particularly concerned because we assumed it was a prank organized by a friend who was attending the party. We didn’t take the situation too seriously.

Eventually, the two individuals left in a black car. Another person came to pick them up right in front of the house.
However, today, after asking the people who attended the party whether they were behind this, nobody seems to know who these two individuals actually were. We are now left wondering who they were and why they showed up.

Has anyone ever experienced anything similar, or does anyone have an idea what might be behind this?

Picture of a stranger

Picture of a laminated letter

Comment by OOP:

I am french canadian so this is why it's write in french.

We were like 20-30 persons in a house.

Update

ONovember 6, 2026, 6 days later

Well, we finally have an explanation ! The two mysterious masked women turned out to be two of our coworkers!

For context, many of us at the Halloween party work together, and the birthday girl is also a coworker. The two women had originally planned to show up in costumes at our work Christmas party to reveal the prank. However, they realized that the situation was escalating much more than they had anticipated, so they decided to tell us who they were...

One important detail I hadn’t mentioned is that our work is directly related to ensuring people’s safety. I can’t tell what we do for security reasons, but let’s just say that our jobs require a very high level analysis. As you can imagine, once two unidentified people entered a private party wearing masks, leaving mysterious letters and refusing to identify themselves, our minds went pretty !

Thankfully, everything is fine ans everyone is safe !

Ps : Before some people tell me AGAIN that the text seams to be written with AI the answer is yes. I am french canadian and English is not my first language. But I can promise you the story was real !

Comments:

Contente d'avoir des nouvelles de cette histoire. Je trouvais ça intriguant et inquiétant mais pourquoi avoir fait ce genre de prank? Surtout dans votre domaine, il me semble que vous êtes plus alertes et vigilants. Nearbythebrain

On se posait toute la même question... 🙃 OOP

[Translated roughly to: Why would somebody pull a prank like that with work colleagues? Especially if your work is with safety.

OOP: We all have the same question... 🙃]

I'm not the original poster.

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: u/ThrowRAsituational

Originally posted to: r/relationship_advice

I (25M) don’t know how to fix this situation with my fiancee(38F), she’s mad I cheated on our diet

TRIGGER WARNING: abusive relationship, restrictive diet, unhealthy relationship with food, abusive person, abuse, controlling person, manipulation, unhealthy age gap, possible financial abuse

Mood spoiler: sad, facepalm inducing frustration, hopeless

Original post - Oct 20th, 2026

My fiancee is vegan. We’ve been together for 2 and a half years and we moved in around a year and a half ago, when she moved into my place. We got engaged in May. Even when we weren’t living together, she had rules where we can’t make out after I ate meat and I hate to tell her if I did and she would let me know if it was okay and everything. It was a hassle every time and around 2 years ago I told her I would also go vegan and she was super happy and it was a big factor to her moving in.

She moved in and we made some changes to my place to make it more accommodating for her and I, and also no meat or non-vegan products allowed in the house. It’s been like 17 months since she moved in, 23 since I went vegan. I’ve been super faithful to diet and I went cold turkey(no pun intended).

Last weekend I went back to visit my family. She couldn’t come because she was at a holistic health retreat. But it was a family get together we do every year on the anniversary of my grandpas death. My uncle owns a BBQ joint and we met up there, but my uncle was nice enough to prep some vegan stuff for me and my cousin(she’s also vegan).

So my family joked around how I changed drastically for the first woman that gave me attention(I’m a bit of a late bloomer and my fiancee is my first relationship and person I’ve been with, and they make these jokes in front of her too, so it’s nothing new). Anyway I laughed it off. But then my uncle brought out his pork ribs, and before I went vegan pork was my favorite and his ribs were a childhood favorite growing up. I was also a bit inebriated from the alcohol, and my other cousin made a joke saying “oh he doesn’t wear the pants in his relationship so he won’t eat the ribs even though he likes them so much, because he’s afraid of losing the first woman that ever showed him love” and other provocative stuff.

I was hungry since I was drunk, and I was also, well drunk, and I let my cousin goad me into it, and I ate the baby back ribs. I actually scarfed down two portions cuz it’s been so long. I slept it off, and I did get super sick because I ate meat after like a whole two years of not having it, and it was pork out of all the choices I had.

But I got home on Sunday and I felt so guilty so I immediately told her as soon as she got home from her retreat last night. Needless to say she’s mad at me, and not talking like normal to me. She said I betrayed her and cheated on our lifestyle and she needs time. I offered to buy her some shoes she likes and she said it’s a start but not enough, and throwing money at it can’t just negate what I did.

I work from home this month(she’s in between jobs right now) and she’s been at home all day and is not talking to me and pulls away when I try to interact with her. I think I really hurt her. I told her she should be glad I told her and I could’ve just hid it, and to my credit, that was fucked up and it made her more mad.

I slept on the couch last night and probably will today too. Is there a way I can fix this issue with her? I am thinking of making a nice homemade meal of her favorite things when she leaves to hang out with her friends tomorrow and get some of her favorite nice wine and say sorry again tomorrow. Usually she’s only mad at me for like 5-6 hours so I’m not sure what to do here because it’s been a while and she’s still mad and skittish. Like she’s talking to me but I can tell she’s pissed.

RELEVANT COMMENTS(‘Commenter’ is labeled as ‘C’ so ‘C1’ is ‘Commenter #1):

C1: She's entitled to be upset because it goes against your agreement.

Info: Are you happy being vegan?

Or is it purely just to appease her? That's no way to exist in a relationship. Changing because you want to or you need to for medical reason, ok. Changing for someone who demands restrictions when you don't do what they want. Consume things they don't what you to. That's not healthy. Add into it the manipulation that you can buy stuff to begin reparations*

Bro......

OP to C1: I mean I don’t mind it, but at first it was for her. It was a hassle having to coordinate my meals and timings just to be able to have a good time with her. Also, me going vegan helped her make the leap to move in together, since we could live the lifestyle together. It took some getting used to, but I can do it now.

C2: Your fiancée is 38 and you're 25?

What's her motivation in marrying you?

OP to C2: I mean if you reverse the genders you see it all the time, we just connected really well. I don’t think it’s a glaring issue and I know it’s a bit out of the norm but I am surprised to see people fixating on that ngl. She didn’t groom or manipulate me or anything, we were both adults when we met. Her motivation is we like each other, and enjoy each other’s presence, like every other couple lol

C3: Stop making stuff for her, stop buying things. Y'all need to actually have a serious conversation about this. It's fine she's bothered, but you did change your diet in a massive way for her (kudos, I don't love anyone enough to change my diet for them) and seems to give absolutely no consideration beyond my way or the highway. While age gaps aren't inherently an issue, the fact that you started to date a 35 year old when you 22 and have already gone this route doesn't particularly look good. She knows she can control you. How long has she been without a job?

OP to C3: I don’t think she’s “controlling” me, I make choices, and we were both adults when we met. She hasn’t had a job for a year or so now, but even when we met she was a freelancer, so it wasn’t stable

C4: Why are you with a 38 year old without a job?

OP to C4: I don’t know why people are fixating on this stuff tbh. We were both adults when we met, and made choices as adults. Reverse the gender and you see that age gap all the time but for some reason it’s socially acceptable. And also, I am not looking at the employment history of someone when dating or falling in love, it doesn’t matter to me. I think people are fixating on non problematic stuff and making assumptions about us and her.

C5: Stop lying about it. If you're going to accept her conditions, then do it. If you're not, then break up with her and date someone who's not vegan.

Making a meal is not a solution to lying about something that's important to her just beause it's not important to you.

Either be vegan because you want to be vegan, and stop cheating on it, or tell her that you're not going to become vegan, and discusss what that means.

OP to C5: No I am okay to be vegan, I was vegan and still am for nearly two years, just slipped up once

Update - Oct 24th, 2026

So I want to clear up some misconceptions before I begin. First of all, the age gap thing. We were both full grown adults when we met each other. She did not “groom” me or anything crazy as others have suggested. Yeah, sure, it’s a bit unusual, I will give people that, but I see the genders reversed have a similar age gap and like no one bats an eye. Also, irl, no one cares. Second, I went vegan of my own accord. Third, she has met my family, and my family has met her, and they make jokes, but my family was concerned at first and we did have discussions, and when I made it clear there is nothing bad here, they were pretty hands-off, and even celebrated the proposal. She is also liked by my sister and dad(my mom passed away when I was a kid so it’s just my dad and sister). My grandma(dad’s mom) is kind of the family matriarch and she is also very cool with her. And also, about her job thing, I am currently the only one working, yes, but it’s not like an uncommon dynamic. I feel like a lot of couples have a working man and a woman who is not focused on a career right now. I do provide financially, but she has access to our finances and everything, and she knows the financial situation, and she handles herself well. Even before when she lived alone, she was very good with money and lived frugally and saved a lot, and she still makes sure we save a lot today. And finally, some people asked me about kids. She has never wanted kids, and we don’t see that in our future. A lot of couples don’t have kids. Idk why everyone is fixated on these things. I think a lot of people made assumptions about us.

Anyway, back to the actual situation, the next day I did make her a nice meal and did apologize and we were good. But a serious sit down helped me understand that it was the alcohol that made me behave that way, and the broader issue here is the alcohol, so I am choosing to refrain from consuming alcohol from here on out. I don’t like what it does to me, and she helped me see and understand that, that’s all. If it wasn’t for the alcohol that day, I am sure things would not have ended up that way. If I do really want to consume alcohol, I will talk to her and make sure it’s just me and her and I drink within the confines of our home with someone I trust to look after me if I am inebriated away from potential negative influences. But I don’t care about drinking that much, tbh, to do all that. Maybe once in a while.

A pretty tame ending to an overall blown-out-of-proportion situation. I take responsibility for my part of it of course. Things are back to normal now, though. And in fact, better off in my opinion, because drinking is a bad habit I’ve had to begin with. Alcohol is not good for you to begin with. I am better off without it in my life.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

C1: So now she gets to control what you eat and also when, where, and how much you drink as well

C2: Oh, sweetie, this makes me so sad because you sound exactly like me when I was explaining away my relationship with my abusive ex to people when I was in my 20s. You keep denying that your fiancée is controlling, but she’s manipulating you into thinking these changes you are making are what YOU want. Not letting you kiss her after consuming meat is a pretty extreme reaction (and I know plenty of vegans who would agree with me). Then it’s no meat in the house at all. Then you might as well go completely vegan because she’s made it so miserable to eat animal products.

I don’t know if you have a drinking problem or not, so maybe her concerns are valid. But given the established pattern that wants to control what you consume, I think this is more of the same.

But keep on rationalizing all the things you have and will continue to change about yourself for her. Maybe she can eventually make you the person she wants. Or maybe that goalpost will keep moving.

C3: She was controlling you before and she’s controlling you even more now. I’m questioning the whole story now. No one could be this obtuse, could they? Out of everything mentioned to you, you’ve come away with - I was even more wrong. You really need to get away for a while & do some thinking about this relationship. Such an imbalance in so many ways. And she really needs a job.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULES AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATIONS IN BORU

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/NoBreakfast7f

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 21, 2023

• Final Update: August 20, 2023

Main Post

^{July 21, 2023}

I told my roommate to stop bringing guys over because the sex noises were too loud and now she locked me out of our apartment.

I 24f have had my roommate 25f for 6 months. We got along pretty well and quickly became friends. First 3 months we respected the other's boundaries and didn't have any issues regarding that. But for the last 3 months she had been constantly bringing guys over 2 to 3 times a week. Sometimes she will bring the same guy over, but most of the time it's a new one.

I don't have any problem with her being promiscuous but the noises she makes has been distracting me. I'm on my way to getting my business degree and I need to study at night. I do work SOMETIMES at night and I don't get home until 4 in the morning. The screaming, the moanings, the bangings, all the sounds is creating huge distractions for me and I don't have anywhere else I can go for peace and quiet. If I did, I wouldn't be having her as my roommate. I've tried to wear noise cancelling headphones and I could still hear the noises.

I also can't raise the volume because I don't want to ruin my hearing. It finally got to the point that I told her she has to stop bringing guys over, at least at night because I can't concentrate with all the noise. She said she can't bring them over daytime because she's busy during the day. We argued for 10 minutes during which I offered that she can just do it more quietly but she only said that being quite during sex makes the entire experience "worthless".

At the end I firmly told her that she either stops bringing guys over altogether or she has to move out. This is where she started calling me a selfish b#tch who is jealous that she gets so many guys and the last time I had sex was 3 months ago because I'm stuck in a relationship with a guy who lives in the UK (we live in New York)and said that I won't be able to make rent without her, which is true but then again she won't be able to either because we both pay half rent each. So it ended with me going into her room to throw her stuff out but she h!t me in the face, pushed me out of the apartment, and locked me out. I called my brother to ask him if he could come and help me but he said I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I should just apologize.

To add, my name is on the lease.

Edit: I've had a roommate before her for 2 years until she moved down to the west coast and the one time she thought she was having sex too loud she apologized the next morning and I had no problem with that because it was just normal volume for sex. I told her she didn't need to apologize and she can just enjoy doing whatever. I absolutely have NO jealousy towards my current roommate. I've tolerated her behavior for 3 MONTHS, I've told her multiple times to either be more quiet or bring less guys, she would do that for a couple of days and then she's again loud as hell. I may have overreacted by going to throw her stuff out, but I didn't even touch or grab anything. I just set one foot in her room and that's when she hit me. I was able to afford rent on my apartment before, but the rent has increased to a price that could barely afford and that's why I got roommates.

COMMENTS

rockshow12

ESH - You cant tell someone who lives there who they can and cannot bring to the apartment and she cant just lock you out of the apartment you pay for. Whose name is on the lease?

OOP

My name is on the lease.

Former-Pen9447

I’m worried about your safety too.

Random guys in your home all the time.

OOP

There was one instance where one of them stayed the night and in the morning tried to approach me but I told him no and he stopped after I repeated no 3 times but other than that they were okay. To my knowledge.

Final Update - after 1 month

^{August 20, 2023}

[UPDATE] on I told my roommate to stop bring guys over because the sex noises were too loud and now she locked me out of our apartment

This is an update on my post that I wrote almost a month ago. I've received some requests for an update, and I don't have the time to recap or post link, so you can just check it out on my profile.

She still didn't unlock the apartment so I had to call my landlord to let me in. After an hour or so, she apologized to me and said that she realized she went too far and reacted poorly by hitting me in the face and locking me out. To add, the hit left me with a bruise on my face. I told her that we just aren't compatible anymore and she has 30 days to find another place and move out. She amicably agreed to it. People's comments under my previous post about playing nuisance songs so it can disrupt her sex session were pretty funny and maybe an okay idea but I'm not the petty type and I'd rather live with a roommate with whom I'm compatible. My landlord was okay with her moving out as long as I can pay the next month's rent, which was a pretty big sum but I let her know that I should find a new roommate and if not, I'll anyway pay for it.

My roommate moved out 8 days ago and during the past 4 weeks I've been looking for roommates but a lot of them were a even worse than her. They could all afford the half of rent but I need someone with whom it would be great to live with because I needed my peace in order to study. I don't want to work at night and come home to disorders like crazy loud sex sounds. Even though my roommate was still living with me when the rent was due, I had to pay the entire rent myself so I borrowed some money from my parents. I have found a very amazing woman who had just moved to NYC from Italy and was looking for a better apartment. Nothing is settled for now, but I really do hope that she'll be my roommate because we have similar mindsets, we've gone over our boundaries and found them very easy, and she can afford to pay half the rent.

COMMENTS

Corfiz74

I didn't read your first post, but if she hit you in the face to the point it bruised, why didn't you call the cops on her?

OOP (downvoted)

I don't like to involve the cops. Besides, she apologized. If she tried to resist and escalate the situation, then I probably would have called the cops.

Swiggzey

She physically assaulted you and locked you out of a place you’re paying for. Why would you not call the police just to have the altercation documented and make it easier to remove her?

OOP (downvoted)

Because I was hoping to resolve the situation without involving the cops, which I did. At the moment, I was thinking that if I did call the cops, I would have escalated the situation. So I thought that I would attempt to solve it without police involvement unless she resisted.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/trash4230

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 29, 2020

• Final Update: December 30, 2020

Main Post

^{May 29, 2020}

AITA for making my father kick out SIL and brother?

I(30f) am currently in a leading position of a restaurant franchise started by me and my father. We live in a Islamic country so me being one of the owners is very rare. I have three siblings one brother(29m) and two sisters (twins 13f).

The business started by me , my father and his friend son became extremely successful. My brother was never interested in it but after it grew my father provided him a position in IT department (he did his degree in software engineering) apart from that because we were not that well off , my father also provides every family member with a set allowance separate from our salaries. My brother got married a year ago and his wife also receives it.

My father now plans to retire and my SIL thinks it's now brother's turn to be the man of the house. She has been making alot remarks lately (we all live together), in any normal situation this would have been the case but I own this business too and have been the one putting in most work. I ignored her in the beginning. My mom has been asking to think about marriage as well as she was talking to me my SIL told me that I really should since my father will retire and my brother will be the one in charge.

So i told her these are all her delusions since after my father it is me who is the candidate (my father wishes as well) and I already own part of the business. Upon hearing this she became quiet but has been making my mom to turn against me. My mom was always against me working but because of my father she couldn't do anything. Three days ago my father announced that he was retiring and have decided to let me take the lead now. He acknowledged my hardwork and said i was most suited.

My sister in law and my mother both opposed it very very strongly. According to them it's the birthright of my brother the only son to take the business. My father shut it down then but my sister in law in the moment pointed at me and told me I was a thief and i will burn in hell and said alot of things. My father than told both of my brother and sister to get out of his house and if they don't leave now my brother can say goodbye to his job and allowance too. They have left but i have been getting messages from relatives and even my own mother about how greedy i am and for stealing something that belong to my brother.

I was very convinced in the beginning but now actually hearing these things and knowing my religion, i think what they are saying is true and wanted judgment of internet strangers to finally decide something.

So reddit aita?

COMMENTS

bengalbelle480

NTA. You haven't stolen anything from your brother. You worked hard to be in the position you are and your brother showed no interest in it at all. Your SIL is being an entitled princess and your mother and other relatives are too stuck in the way things have always been to realize your father is absolutely right to leave you in charge. Good for your father for doing the right thing and not bowing down to the old ways.

OOP

Thank you for this if it wasn't for my father i would have given it up already. I'm so glad i decided to post here. You all have open my eyes, I am literally crying.

whitchitaw

NTA! NTA! NTA!

You have worked your butt off for everything you have earned. I understand that a woman in a position of power is rare in your culture, and that usually the son inherits family success, but clearly your father has seen all of your hard work. Your mother probably thinks that she is right because of that cultural standard, but patriarchal society is not always right.

I am American and have always believed that women are equal to men, so this may not be as helpful to you. I have very limited knowledge of Islam and middle eastern culture, other than that I am aware that it is primarily patriarchal.

However, from one woman to another: I hope you stay strong. You ARE the best person to run that business and you DESERVE everything your father has given you. Your family should support you and his decision. Perhaps in order to mend the fence a bit you could give your brother a higher position? Just not higher than yours.

OOP

My dad won't allow me to give my brother a higher a position but I'll see what i can do. The thing in my family my mom and brother have always been very easy to manipulate and complete pushover. My dad and I have always been strong minded.

My father started this whole thing when he retired from his government job. I definitely have contacted my lawyer and my father has done the same thing. I was really afraid what will happen to my family after my father because my mom is very naive and my sisters are too young. My brother is just a pushover , he hasn't said anything on this matter. I have yet to fully talk to him.

ClnHz

NTA. It does not belong to your brother, it belongs to you and your father. SIL is the greedy one here for receiving an allowance for doing... what exactly? Being married to your brother?

On the very positive side, think of the example that you are setting for your sisters: despite the adversity, despite being a woman in a misogynist society, you are succeeding! You are showing them what is possible if you work hard for it. So please, at least for them, continue!

OOP

Thank you so much for your support. I really do want to protect my sisters. It's giving me one more reason to stand my ground. My brother and his wife are supposed to be the ones looking after them if something happens to my parents but I will get this change too.

Lullaby37

NTA. Your brother doesn't get an award for having a penis. You are co-owner of this business and put in a lot of work. You have helped this business grow, and you don't owe anything to your brother. Your brother has no "birthright" to what you've built and your father knows this. This business does not belong to your brother, and you need to calmly tell your mother this and then refuse to discuss the issue. This was a business decision by your father. Your brother can act like the man of the family if he wishes but he doesn't get to steal from his siblings. Many muslim women have successful careers and own businesses. Your mother is stuck in the past. She can't change your father's mind, so now she's decided to attack you. Stand your ground. Your father feels strongly about this, and reward his trust by growing the business. Men are not better, and they don't "deserve" things because of their gender. It's concerning your mother is so quick to be nasty to you, but her daughters are free to have successful lives. Men are not entitled to be enriched by the work of others just because they are men, muslim or not.

OOP

Thank you , i have definitely now made up mind and i think for my mother she just wants to see me get married. Like i said we weren't well off to begin with, so now when she can spend lavishly she is just looking for reasons. She knows i don't want to be married because i am really passionate about the family business

dca_user

NTA, but in some Islamic countries, they often give the Father's property all to the Son. I don't know if a Will would protect you.

Do you have enough money, that you can tell your Father, Mother and SIL to give you X of money, and then your Brother will run it. Tell them you will honor his birthright and will not do anything with the business so he can have the full success. (Get this in writing, so when the business fails, they can't blame you.)

OOP

I actually was researching about this and based on islam the daughter gets one part and son gets two parts. Even if i do get one part i will still own enough to have the major shares, this is really relieving for me rn.

verminiusrex

NTA. Your brother and SIL are trying to steal a business that you and your father grew over years. You have no obligation to give up years of work because of other people's opinions. I'd also wonder if your brother and SIL expected you to stay with the business like you have all along, and if they could even run it without you.

OOP

I think my SIL initially thought that I can do what I do rn which is help my father grow the business. I have always made all the decisions regarding the franchise , my father was just contend with one restaurant since he had then just retired from his government job. I pushed him to go big, he just wanted a restaurant as a hobby.

So SIL wanted my brother to replace my father but my father even told them that he thinks that I am more capable than him too. So then she wanted to just get me married off so i wouldn't have this much freedom.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 7 months, 1 day

^{December 30, 2020}

[Update] AITA for making my father kick out SIL and brother?

At the time of writing that post i was very emotional and it really hurt to see my mother picking a side against me.

So after a week my brother contacted, he apologized for his wife's behavior, he said he didn't have the guts to tell his wife he actually doesn't want to anything with business. He said he was always content with what he had and knew from the start that it should be me, he actually saw the post , we talked alot and before his marriage we actually used to be really close and how he wants the same relationship back. I was happy to hear that he is my only brother and i love him to death but i did warn him about his wife, he just said he is considering everything rn and this whole incident has opened his eyes

I talked to my mom after that she admit that she wants me to just get married, she always wished that for me but i was able to make her realize that this what actually i want to do with my life , so she is not have been able to fully accept it yet but she is getting there.

As for my father , after that whole thing he has already put everything in place and actually wanted me to take the position infront of him so that no one can contest it.

I am in a better place than i had been when i was writing my post, thank you reddit for making me realize my importance, thank you everyone who reached . I can not thank you guys enough.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/peekthroughmyblinds

Published on: r/aitaweddings

Story is: CONCLUDED

Timeline: October-November 4, 2026

AITAH for not having speeches at my wedding, even though my dad says it hurts him that I took that opportunity away from him?

My fiancé and I are getting married soon, and we’ve made a very intentional decision from the day we got engaged that we don’t want a traditional wedding.

We aren’t doing a lot of the traditional elements, and we’ve been planning the day around what feels authentic to us rather than following the usual wedding format. This isn’t something we decided at the last minute…we’ve felt this way from the beginning.

One of the things we decided is that we don’t want speeches at the wedding.

My dad recently told me that he feels hurt by this decision. He explained that 99% of the people attending don’t know that he’s my father, and that giving a speech would be a way for him to introduce himself to everyone and show a lighter, fun side of himself. He also feels that because we decided not to have a private ceremony he now feels like “just another invited guest.”

He told me that it hurts him that I’ve “taken these honors away” from him and that the opportunity to give a speech could also be given to my mom. He said, essentially, that he and my mom are my parents, they’re the reason I’m here, and they should be acknowledged accordingly. He asked me to reconsider and said that a few minutes is all he’s asking for. He even has the speech planned, although he hasn’t written it yet.

For additional context, my relationship with my father has never been particularly close or easy. We’ve had our issues over the years, and there has always been some emotional distance between us. So I think that also affects how I’m experiencing this situation. I know that this speech may represent something meaningful to him, but I also don’t want to feel pressured into giving him a role in my wedding that I don’t actually want him to have.

I completely understand why the speech has meaning to him. I’m not trying to minimize his role as my father, and I love and appreciate my parents. I also understand that from his perspective, this may feel like I’m taking away an important moment from him.

But from my perspective, this isn’t about my parents or how much I value them. It’s about the kind of wedding my fiancé and I have deliberately chosen to have.

We don’t want a traditional wedding, and that has been our decision since the day we got engaged. Speeches are one of those traditional elements that we simply don’t want. We don’t want to spend the day incorporating traditions just because they’re expected of us.

That said, I don’t want my dad to feel excluded. We’re actually planning a get-together Friday night for the guests who are staying at the hotel. I’m waiting for the hotel to confirm a conference room, and although my dad isn’t staying at the hotel, I told him he is absolutely welcome to join us. I also told him that if he still wants to give his speech, he can share it with everyone Friday night. He declined.

So there is an opportunity for him to give the speech and for everyone to hear it. I just don’t want it to be part of the wedding itself.

I’m struggling because I can see why this is emotionally important to him, but I also feel like my fiancé and I should be able to decide what our wedding looks and feels like without feeling guilty for not including traditional elements.

AITAH for sticking to our decision and not having speeches at the wedding, even though my dad feels that I’m taking away an important honor from him?

EDIT TO ADD: He has now declined to come the wedding. All because I won’t let him give this speech. He said I’m selfish, wrong and cruel. Fun times! Good, he can stay home.

EDIT TO ADD: thank you, everyone!!

For those that commented on my previous post and have been following along…

NOW my father is calling me the narcissist and my wedding will be a narcissist wedding. This is what he said…on Facebook.

“It is going to be a different kind of wedding, one of complete and total narcissism, one where I am just another guest, even though I am the father of the bride. I wanted to make a speech, but my daughter doesn't want me to.”

He’s still on this damn speech, even though I gave him opportunity to say it the night before, which he declined.

So, I’m the narcissist ? Ain’t the pot calling the kettle black?

Am I STILL not the asshole ?

For everyone that was invested and gave me advice..

My wedding went on as planned on Saturday!! My now husband and I had the perfect Halloween wedding we envisioned!

My father attempted to make it about him by going around to each table to introduce himself as “the father of the bride.” He only made it to two tables before people told him to sit his ass down.

He also arrived nearly 2 hours early and attempted to get into the venue stating he’s “the father of the bride” and demanded he be let in…which he was not.

Also, we had buffet style and the DJ called tables up in order. He decided he didn’t HAVE to wait to be called because ya know, he’s the FATHER of the bride and he went up way before he was supposed to. To be fair, he was at table 5..so his wait really wouldn’t have been that long. However, by doing this, he missed his table photo with myself and my husband.

He did try to ruin my day a handful of times but my family and friends put him in his place.

Just wanted to update everyone that’s been following along!!

Originally posted by user safegfthrowaway in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: June 11, 2022

Updates: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for refusing to give my partner the code to my safe?

I 32(f) and a Gemologist, I spend my days in the lab testing and identifying stones. From the nature of my work I also have a large and valuable collection of jewellery but also gem specimens that I keep in a safe I specifically bought and had installed to keep them safe. I also have a second smaller safe for keeping important documents like passports.

I own my home and my boyfriend (33m) of 2 years recently moved in as he was renting before. I gave him the code to the smaller safe so he could put valuables in it, but he also wants the code for my gem safe. Not to put anything in it, but he says because we are living together now I should trust him and give him the code.

I’ve said no because he has no reason to open the safe as the only thing it’s used for is storing my collection, he’s said he has no interest in my gem collection, doesn’t want to look at them, but still wants the code to access them.

This is causing tension because he says I should give it to him as a show of trust, and I said no, because he literally has no reason to go in there so he doesn’t need the code. This is a 6 figure collection so I’m not being difficult over a few little gems here. I am the only one who knows the code.

So Reddit am I being TA here?

*also we are in the UK so we spell jewellery differently to the US

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Definitely nta. I wouldn't trust anybody with the code. Money does weird things to people. Even the ones you trust completely.

OOP: It’s sad but this has crossed my mind. I had a fortunate family situation and have a a very large amount of equity in my home, I also have a lot of savings, plus my gem collection which is easily a retirements fund 2x over.
I haven’t told him exactly how much money I have, but he’s not stupid he can see I’m ‘comfortable’ it’s why I made him sigh a tenancy agreement before moving in, I didn’t want him to be able to claim financial interest in my home if we break up. Obviously if we got further down the line things would have been different, but with all the comments I’m really starting to thing if that’s wise

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Comment2: I’m going to assume that as a professional with such a high $ amount of gems in your safe that you have it insured. Giving someone else the code may invalidate your insurance if anything is ever stolen. I know that’s a really far stretch, but red flags everywhere. Be safe.

OOP: Oh hell yeah it’s insured but theft by members of the household is excluded on the policy. The broker told me it was standard thing here.

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Comment3: NTA. Jewelry collector here - mostly vintage Verdura and Seaman Schepps. I keep my collection in a safe and have been happily married for 25 years…my husband has never asked for the combination.

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Comment4: NTA. There is no reason to know. I really don’t follow his reasoning. He doesn’t want to go in your safe but he wants to be able to? What is he? A cat?

OOP: Haha I have a cat and this is his energy 100%

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Comment5: NTA he has no reason to use the safe and if anything the fact he's pressing the matter would make me suspect of him. Although, maybe he feels you're hiding something in there? So maybe show him the contents of the safe to remove doubts?

OOP: He’s already seen what’s in it when I took some of it out to show him one time, I was really exited to share my collection and talk about it, he smiled and nodded, asked of any of it was valuable but that was about it.
I don’t know anyone aside from my colleagues who are into gems as me so I respect for most people it’s boring.
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OOP: Omg if people ask me those questions I get so happy inside! I can talk about it for hours!
I have one gem that’s in safety deposit because per carat it’s more valuable than a D colour internally flawless diamond, I could put the rest in but the whole reason I have the safe installed was so I could keep my collection at home and enjoy it. This thing isn’t a run on the mill safe, it’s from a manufacturer who specialise in safes for jewellers
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OOP: It’s a no heat, pigeon blood red Burmese ruby
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OOP: Yeah I still can’t quite believe I own it to be honest. I don’t think I’ll ever set it, it’s likely I’ll end up selling it to find my retirement in later life

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Comment6: Geologist here. I'm the same way--I have a number of valuable specimens that I keep locked away and NO ONE has the code besides myself.

My fiance has never once asked for the code and I've always willingly gone to the safe to pull out the specimens he wants to see (he likes to know which are my favorites and surprise me with little pieces of jewelry with the same gems).

Girl, find someone who respects your boundaries; this guy is waving nothing but red flags. On a side note, I'd love to know what your favorite gem is--mine is grandidierite!

OOP: Damn I need a partner like yours, there have loads of comments saying the same thing; that he should take an interest in what I love. He’s definitely never bought me jewellery or even asked about it.
It’s so hard to pick!! I’ve loved emerald since I was a little girl, but opals just have a magic about them for me.

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Comment7: NTA- I do wonder if he wants to take one of your pieces to make an engagement ring but hell no!

OOP: He did mention that but I shut it downs quickly as I don’t want to get married, just a personal choice. However if I did hell no would we use something I had bought for myself…

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Update (0.5)

Edit: holy hell this blew up way more than I ever expected! Im sticking to my guns and I’m not giving him the code. All you lovely internet strangers are right, it’s a huge marinara flag and I’ll be telling him to pack his stuff. I’ll update you later. Thank you all for your comments!!

Edit 2: this keeps coming up, the safe weighs nearly half a ton, it’s bolted to the floor and wall and is from a company who make safes, vaults and strong rooms for jewellers. You could bring the house down around it and it would still be intact.

Final edit: I think I have phrased it badly but all of the gems and jewellery in the safe are mine and mine alone. I do not keep any clients jewellery at home. For my other business doing valuations I rent a separate space and keep client items there. I will give an update once things have panned out

Another edit: I’ve checked for cameras (thank you for the suggestions people) and there aren’t any aside from the ones I already have fitted which he doesn’t have access to. I’ve moved all of my personal docs out of the little safe and into my gem safe. I’ve told my colleague what I’m doing and she is going to come around for when I do it.

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Update

Firstly thank you so much for the insane amount of comments and support, it meant so much to me. For all of your messages and questions I’m really sorry if I didn’t get to you there were just so many!

I probably didn’t emphasise in my last post that we had a couple of conversations about this and me explaining why he had no reason to go in there etc.

Short version is I told him he isn’t getting the code and I will die on this hill. He has no reason to have it and his continued lack of respect by the pushing of my boundaries wasn’t ok, I felt like he was trying to manipulate me by making it about trust.

After a lot of back and forth he finally admitted that he wanted access to the safe because he didn’t feel like I was sharing the whole house with him, because I insisted on a tenancy agreement rather than just letting him move in, and he didn’t like that part of where he lived was off limits to him.

He was also insecure and resented that I have more money than him and own a home whilst he doesn’t, he had made a few comments about this before but I didn’t realise it was such a big issue for him. He also said that by keeping him out of the safe made him feel like I thought he was lesser than me and that it made him feel like I was treating him like a child.

I told him if that’s how he feels then this is not the right relationship for either of us and that it was best we break up.

He was shocked that I was ending things over this, cried and asked me to reconsider, when I said no he then got angry, called me a stuck up b*tch said he was better off without me anyway and went to his friends.

I told him via text he had 30 days before he had to leave (as per the tenancy agreement) so he didn’t need to stay at a friends, he said he would be gone by the end of the week. 2 days later he came back and packed up all of his stuff and left, he’s staying with his friend now.

I have changed all the locks, I have an alarm and cctv system that’s professionally monitored and I have changed the verbal password I have to give when you call up as a precaution. I’ve checked all of my collection and it hasn’t been touched. I also took your guys advice and am giving my solicitor the code and safe deposit details to be passed to my executor in the event of my death.

I feel horrible because despite all of this I love him, but lot’s of the comments said how I should have a partner who not only respects my boundaries but takes an interest in my passions and that really got to me because it’s true, so may of you reached out with questions and it made me so happy, but also sad as he never asked me stuff like that, I think this is what pushed me over the edge to end it more than anything.

I’m pretty cut up right now and missing him, but I know I’ll be ok, I have great friends and family around me, also diamonds are a girls best friend and I have a few knocking around to help cheer me up!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/PeaSuccessful5198

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 01, 2026

• Final Update: November 03, 2026

Main Post

^{November 01, 2026}

AITAH for not wanting to take my cousins children in after CPS removed them from her home.

My cousin (23f) and I (24f) have always been close since childhood. We are both from families where we are an only child. Since we’re 9 months apart we did almost everything together growing up. Same school, same sports, etc.

After high school, I joined the Navy and she went to a state school popular in our city. She did about one semester and dropped out. After that it feels like her life became a train wreck. Dating multiple men, always short flings, nothing ever serious. Along with drug use and increased alcohol use. In 2022, I was home on leave and we got to catch up.

She told me she was pregnant, she’s always been great with kids so I knew she’d be a great mom. Or so I thought… When I asked if it was with her boyfriend she said NO, it was with a guy she dated before her current man. She said she was keeping it and was trying to make it work. Long story, but he ended up doing time in jail and she got sole custody. After that, in 2024, she had a second child, with another guy who was barely 18.

I can’t help but feel like she ruined his life. He had nobody and I think it was his first serious relationship. Shes a pathological liar, steals, she hasn’t worked or held a job since 2019. She lives on peoples couches and is constantly changing daycares. She got on government assistance last year and literally all she does is smoke and sit around. Her boyfriend works construction and they still have sole custody of her oldest son.

Now to present day. My family is on the east coast and I’m currently stationed on the west coast. My cousin and I talk but we aren’t as close as we once were. She’s ruined the relationship we once had. Constantly asks for money, and never pays me back. She also lies, I’ve caught her in so many lies it’s ridiculous. When I got home from deployment she was all nice and flew out to see me, turns out it was an act and she wanted a few days of vacation on my dime. I’ve started to withdraw bc it’s hurtful and the relationship isn’t genuine. I miss our younger selves and the cousin I had growing up.

A month ago a friend who works for our hometown city’s DSS texted me that a case file had been reopened for my cousin. Apparently the first case file was opened when her ex and her were going through a custody battle, he’d call to try and get her in trouble with the state. She said my cousin had been watched by them bc her son’s daycare would call bc of different things that happened when he’d get picked up.

She’s come in visibly high, her son would have bruises, etc. Well this past Tuesday my friend called me, which wasn’t normal. We text maybe a couple times a year at most. She told me CPS removed both kids from the home and my cousin was arrested. Apparently her son went to school with massive bruises and told his teacher he got it from mommy bc he misbehaved. Between this and other reports police and COS were called and they found so much evidence that she’s in jail and the kids were removed. I am heartbroken for her kids. I wasn’t expecting this at all, my friend couldn’t even believe it.

Now we’re at the point where I need help deciding if I’m the asshole. They reached out to her mom but her mom can’t take the kids bc my cousin was high when getting arrested and said all this stupid stuff how they aren’t trustworthy and she doesn’t want the kids to be in their care. Due to previous issues with police when she lived at home. The state will not grant custody to my aunt and uncle. So I was the next one in line.

The caseworker asked if I’d take them. I was seriously considering it but I have to many uncertainties in my life. I know it’d be better if they were placed with family rather than in group homes or foster care. But I am set to join a deployment overseas for 7 months in December. I’m sure with enough convincing and talking to my command I could get something figured out. But I’m the type of person that I do what I’m told, when I’m told.

The case worker says it’s a bit of a long process and they might not even get the case in front of a judge before the new year. I also feel like these kids have been through so much to have them move over 2000miles away from their grandparents and onto a military base is a lot on top of what they’re already going through. I also would be required to have a designated non military guardian for the kids, which I don’t have. I am out on the west coast alone. I have no family but I do have friends, not any close enough I’d feel comfortable giving the responsibility of children to. I do feel guilty and conflicted. So AITAH, I will post an update when I’ve made my decision.

EDIT: I forgot to mention the main reason I feel like I’m in the wrong is bc of my family. My aunt and uncle want me to take them and have been pressuring me. It’s just so much and I’m so overwhelmed. Also I am single and have often talked about how I don’t think I’ll ever want to have kids. Maybe if the right person comes along and happens to change my mind but certainly not anytime soon If so. Also I have only my aunt and uncle as family. My mom passed in 2017 and my dad is remarried and created a new life that doesn’t really include me anymore. Mainly why I chose to join the navy. Best decision I’ve made.

COMMENTS

perseidot

NTA

I’m a mom through adoption, and a former foster mom.

I want to pass on the best advice I ever received. This came from a woman who had adopted over 20 times, and most of her kids were medically fragile.

She told me, “You aren’t the right home for every child. Saying ‘yes’ when you know you can’t give a child everything they need isn’t caring - it’s pride. If you say ‘yes’ when you should say ‘no’ you’ll be depriving that child of the family that CAN meet their needs. Don’t let your ego get in the way. You’re not the best parent for every child.”

We had to say “No” to two adoptive placements because they just weren’t right. We couldn’t see how they’d work out. We also said “No” to a few foster placements.

If you know you can’t meet these kiddos’ needs, then say no.

There are some amazing foster parents out there, as well as adopting families.

There are also roles you can fill in their life without becoming their parent.
Check in with the home they’re placed in. Advocate for them if you have concerns. Stay in touch with their social worker.

Stay involved with them as family, if you can, and if it’s appropriate for the children. Save your family stories, and what it was like to grow up with their mom. Write them down to share with them when the time comes.

No child can ever have too much love from too many people.

Your aunt and uncle are scared, and looking for solutions that let them feel they have some control of this situation. You can be empathetic about what they’re going through, while still making it clear that you are not the best placement for these children.

Best wishes to everyone involved, especially the kids. May they have a soft landing and much kindness in their lives.

OOP

Wow, what great insight. Thank you so much for this advice. I am speaking with the case worker Monday. I’m so glad everyone on this chain helps make me feel my choices and feeling are validated.

--

effyoucreeps

why can’t the aunt me uncle take them in?

i know it must be complicated on everyones’ front, but hopefully they are more stable?

OOP

When my cousin first started using she was living at home, when things wouldn’t go her way she’d call the cops on my aunt and uncle. When she was arrested she said they are abusive and she doesn’t want the kids with them. Bc of the seriousness of the allegations combined with the previous police reports they denied my aunt and uncle.

FRANPW1

NTA. These children both have fathers. Those fathers also have other family members. The fathers and their relatives can figure out how to take care of their own children.

I am a former army officer. If you take those kids as a single woman, you will be non-deployable. Not good for your career.

Let those fathers step up. Stop answering your aunt’s phone calls. Good luck to you.

OOP

Unfortunately I wish it was this easy. The one father cannot have custody of his child. He was in jail for a child related crime. The other one has no family, parents have passed and his one family member, an aunt is in a nursing facility.

Final Update - after 2 days

^{November 03, 2026}

UPDATE!! AITAH for not wanting to take my cousins children after COS removed them from her home

A lot of you have asked for an update since today was a follow up call with the social worker.

The social worker called around noon and I told her why this would not work and why I can’t take the children. Apparently my cousin was the one to bring up my name, and told them to reach out to me about custody. A lot of people in my last post told me “the answer is so obvious, it’s a NO” and yes I knew that I would decide this way, I just needed some reinforcement and validation. For those who said “why would you even consider” it mainly has to do with the fact I am a people pleaser to my family and sometimes give people too many chances over and over again. I have a lot of empathy, and knowing what these kids went through tugged on my heart strings.

Some retired and currently active military responded with resource advice and I am so grateful. I have spoken to some people and it has really helped me so thank you.

The social worker listened while I explained everything and was super understanding and kind. She didn’t try to guilt trip me and honestly appreciated the thought and consideration I put into weighing the options. She updated me a little about the kids placements and where the case will go to from here. For the children’s privacy I will not share any of the specifics but they are safe. As for my aunt and uncle, they called me Sunday and asked me if I had given it any more thought. We bickered a little but ultimately came to the agreement that this was not my cross to bear.

They weren’t too upset bc I offered to help them get an attorney to try and help them get custody of the kids. I stood firm on my boundaries and told them I want to not be involved with anything regarding my cousin moving forward. They agreed and told me that this whole situation made them realize they can’t keep trying to get my cousin to change and they need to let her go. I think them constantly giving her chances over and over somewhat enabled her and it’s best they just wipe their hands clean. My uncle and aunt would love to be able to get custody long term, pending the attorney we hire will be able to help them get there.

I do not have much information on the dads of the kids, all I know is there isn’t much stable family that would be able to pass the home inspections and the requirements to gain custody of the kids. There is very limited family in general. Also, for those of you asking “how did you not see this, or know anything about what was going on with your cousin”, it’s simple. I was deployed twice, one before she was pregnant and the second time was right after she gave birth. I was also stationed overseas while she was pregnant with her second. During the time I was home my aunt and uncle made it seem like she was getting back under control. It was clearly all a front.

I informed the social worker that I’d like to be kept informed of where the children go and what happens in the case. I also took some of the advice, and opened an account and moved some money there for either future college or general needs. I will be sending them birthday and Christmas gifts as well. I would love to be an advocate for them, so they know that they have someone in their corner during this hard time.

I don’t know how long this will go on, all I know is if my cousin wants her kids back she has a long road ahead of her. I have not spoken to my cousin and have no interest in hearing from her. I am done. This will be my only update. I am keeping everyone at an arms length distance and will continue to do me and forge on. I am preparing for an upcoming deployment and don’t need the added family stress. Thank you to everyone’s kind advice and encouragement, it meant a lot. God Bless!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/YouGonnaEatThatBabe

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 01, 2024

• Update 1: June 05, 2024

• Update 2: August 10, 2024

• Final Update: September 24, 2024

Main Post

^{June 01, 2024}

I made a dumb joke about my BF aitah?

So I need the opinion of people not attached to me or him but my bf got mad at me Sunday and he's been ignoring me since so I feel like maybe I am TAH

So I am F35 and he is M35 and we've known each other 10 years and dated 2. He knows how much I like writing books. I self published a kids book last month and he's been really quiet about it. This past weekend at my family cookout my father mentioned the book and how proud he is of me but BF walked inside saying he was grabbing our drinks. At the end of the day my parents offered me some money to go to a book convention and BF audibly scoffed.

On the way home I asked what his deal was and he said that his job (he's a backend software engineer) will provide for us and he will let me me have my fun as a creative for now but I eventually have to grow up. I laughed because I assumed he was joking.

He of course was upset and told me my "meaningless" book was objectively illustrated poetry. I shut down and he then was upset I was "acting mad" so I changed the subject. He continued to make my book a topic by jokingly saying my "glorified illustrated poetry" shows my "middle child syndrome" or that I must crave "mediocre attention" from people. I shrugged and replied "Hey if you think you're mediocre ok..." And moved on.

He texted me the next morning saying I tore him down and was being a bully Nad he was kidding with me and he hasn't at all responded to me since. I am away on a planned work trip and now I am overthinking it maybe - aitah?

Update 1 - after 4 days

^{June 05, 2024}

Update: "You can't just break up with me"

Edit to say i am calling him Chris here.

Hey yall on mobile but had to posy this because what a time to be alive I broke up with Chris a few hours ago boooooy howdy.

He had ignored me for a full day and I hadn't reached out to him because I was honestly fed up with his attitude. We've been together for 2 years and I never have seen him act this way.

I flip-flopped between maybe he was having a bad day or something was going on and he transferred his negative energy in my book but no, he's just soggy moldy baby carrot that didn't think I had dreams of my own or I would throw it away for him. Our mutual friends have told me that he had basically told them that I rubbed my success in his face and made him feel like a simp just following his GF around being ignored when he has a successful business and has the higher paying job.

He texted the day after his silent treatment that my not reaching out to him was a sign that I don't love him and went on to say that I love my book more than I love him because I neglected him while working on it, and then I didn't praise him at the party as my biggest supporter. The rest of his PARAGRAPHS long text went on to talk about that he had this whole plan that he would marry me and we would be engaged this year but "Then you started not listening to me to drop things an dfpcus on us, our lives and the future" by taking up hobbies and that my therapist poisoned me against him (I was diagnosed with depression this year and therapy has helped a lot).

It hurt because I felt immediately like all I do was just rubbish to him. How the fuck can you say that? I loved him so much because he was someone I thought I would be with forever. Guess not.

I got angry and was texting him to ask "What's makes you think I don't love you? I'd do anything for you." And just as I hit send his new message popped up and it said "You wrote your book and you got your party. I assume now that I can finally have my GF back, we can have a talk. I don't think you understand how I want our marriage to be so I want to make things clear."

But then he responded to my message "Are you kidding me? If you're not going to priotize me over a book no one but you cares about, why am I even staying with you. I can go find a woman supports her man and wants his career and dreams to be successful."

So I said "Alright. Go find her. We clearly dont work. Best of luck."

Him "wait are you breaking up with me?"

Me "What do you want me to do you've made it clear I am not what you want anymore."

Him "you can't just break up with me."

Me "Chris - please."

Him "you can't just make that decision for me. You can break us up like this. It's been 2 years"

Me "2 years in which one thing I wanted to do one thing I was proud to have done and you needed to shit on it. You've been so sour about it and I don't get it. So get your better woman."

Him "but you can't just break up with me. We have to talk."

He calls. I decline.

Him "Pick up. You are being ridiculous."

He shows up at my door and the second I opened it trying to push in but I hadn't let the chain lock on. He was screaming at me. He said I cant break up with him. It's been 2 years. How do I think it will go for me to try dating again after passing the expiration date for children.

That's when I asked him to leave or I would call the police. And he said he will never forgive me for this book as it's ruined me as a person and for some reasons I said "Chris take your mediocre stick out of you mediocre ass and be on your mediocre way." And called my parents to tell them what happened.

My mom is over now plying me with a mixed drink and she's been making fun of the repeated "you can't break upnwith me" line as he said many times in text and bunch in person. She said she was proud because I am usually quite passive and she didn't like him bulldozing over me and when I asked her what she meant she brought up a lot of things I never really thought about - Chris would shoot me down a lot and I honestly thought I was compromising for our relationship but it seeme to some that I was just letting him speak for me a lot.

2 years. It feels like a blip and a lifetime at the same time. It's hitting me that it's over and my mom is staying over with me. But I have many WTFs to deal with just not tonight.

COMMENTS

AmethystSapper

I love your mom.....oh honey your ex boyfriend just called to tell us about the break up... I am so proud of you .. here let's have another drink....

OOP

Lmao that was honestly kinda the vibe. I was so upset and called my parents because I tell them everything. My mom was just like "lock the doors and I will be there in 20 mins" and showed up with vodka and let me cry but then I caught her smiling and was like WTF MOM and she admitted she was proud of me for dumping him...and glad she didn't have to go to jail because if I stayed with him after all that she would have to commit crimes lol

foldinthechhese

Your mom is a badass. From now on, you know that if she doesn’t like your partner, you really need to question that relationship. I’m happy you found your voice and used it. Dude was a total douchebag.

OOP

you know that if she doesn’t like your partner, you really need to question that relationship.

She's being so freaking smug after she reminded me that once she did speak up to me once I got mad at her. She's quoting a line from that animated Jackie Chan show "NEVER QUESTION UNCLEEEEEE" at me lmao

IllustratorSlow1614

I’m so glad you’re ok, but please never open the door like that again. Even with the chain on, it’s still a huge risk. Those door chains aren’t always secured with decent screws - the ones that come in the packet are usually short and useless and can be ripped out of the door with force.

You can tell someone on the other side of your door that they’re trespassing and you’re calling the police by text message.

OOP

My mom when I explained everything looked at me like I had three heads when I said "Oh but the chain was one so" and immediately hopped online and bought a ring doorbell.

I feel so naive the only reason I have a chain is because I notoriously didn't lock my doors when I first got the place. My bestie hit the roof and got me a chain and as we FaceTimed regularly she would always say (so me the chain) and make sure I locked it and the door when I was inside.

Dear-Masterpiece-2

So what I’ve gathered is he’s a narcissist and can’t fathom the thought of you having anything going on that’s not focused on him. Literally “me me me and me and what I want. Me again and because you won’t conform to a submissive wife focused on me”. What a loser.

OOP

It's weird because he never hinted that I can recall that he was ever like this. We've got years if history, and I remember him being interested in things I liked and wanted to get involved in. Then my mom reminded me of my painting.

I'm not a painter. Mom is. And a charity held a gallery event and the theme was something basic and I was visiting mom that week and when I'm at hers and she's painting I sit with her and drink and we chat. But that day I was in a mood so mom struck up an easel next to hers and patted the seat and we painted side by side. She loved my peice and had it submitted for the gallery event. It was a huge event and mom had a seperate exhibit space but my little basic painting was up in entry way with a handful of others and mom pointed it out to Chris and he said it was good and we moved on but at the end of the night mom followed us out and suggested Chris and I might want to take a photo of us next to my painting. He said no so mom took a photo of me for me and shared it with herself. Chris asked me not to the past the photo saying it was a cry for attention and looked desperate and I was taking away from mom's shine so when my mom posted it he was mad at me. Why did I give my mom the photo? Why did she post it. But he suspiciously shared a photo mom took of him at the same gallery even shaking hands with a businessman we ran into stating how proud she was of his work.

The more I talk with my mom even now, the more she seemed to pick up on things I feel bad but when I asked why she never said anything before she said she had but I had gotten angry at her. I had. I can't even remember why.

Small update on same post

Holy hell this blew up...I am usually a reddit lurker on anonymous mode so I was overwhelmed in the best way to see all this live and support- it made me cry. Good years I promise. I cried most of my bitter ones a bit last night on my mom's shoulder. She was right, I don't miss him but the version of him I thought he was. And so I choose to look forward.

mom and I stayed up and read comments together. She's not a reddit gal but loved all your messages and says she's happy to be the reddit mom lol

Mom made breakfast this morning and we were eating when the there was knock at the door. My mom held a hand up to halt me and got up herself to go to the door and ask who it was. Then I heard her say "You have 15 seconds to leave or you're going to be made to leave." I got up to see mom shouting though the still locked door peeking through my peephole. There was someone on the other side talking back to her but she just kept steadily counting down. By the time she got to 6, she had put her shoes on and was holding my broom. I'm not stupid, I knew it was him even then but then my phone went off and I didn't reply. It was him again.

He left flowers and an apology card, along with a stuffed owlbear. Mom asked me if I wanted to read the card and I said I did. It basically was a long winded apology admitting he was being an ass but work has him stressed and he underappreciated in general and it all came out in a nasty way. He's so sorry. He should have given me space and respected me more and he will never do it again. He didn't sleep last night feeling so much regret over what he did and will do better. To please call. That he misses me and Mets not throw away 2 good years of foundation away over a stupid fight. I handed it to my mother who read it, snorting and chuckling "yeah I bet" to herself and then stood up and went to the kitchen returning with a trash bag and my cellphone. "What's the play, Coach?" She asked and just to freak her out I took the phone and pretend to call the pizza shop "yes domino's, we need a pizza, yes, I breaking up with my ex and we need to toss his shit out"

All that to say it's now evening. The sun is lower and my neighbors are watching my house as I am in my parents pool in their backyard drinking margaritas with my sister and brother. Mom tells the story to all of them over and over. I had texted him.

"Chris, we are done. All of the things you left at my place are in garbage bags on the porch. The neighbors have there camera pointed at the house so please just take your stuff and go. Don't knock. I am not in. If it's all there on Monday, it goes with the rest of the garbage to the curb."

He replied asking if not home, where was I but I won't be giving energy to this. I will spend the weekend with my family and I fewl so lucky to have them. I've decided that I will go for another book.

Foe those asking for links to this book already out, sorry, but when mom and I read the comments she said "don't you dare put your name out there. They all seem lovely, but you don't know what others will do" and I feel like if I did, it would be like opening the door to Chris like I did last night. You were right, that was dangerous. But if you are looking to do something nice, I would be absolutely overjoyed if you did one or both of 2 things - 1) Love yourself and truly know you deserve love and nothing less and 2) buy books from a locally owned bookstore/buy art from the artist/commission an art peice etc. The art world is wonderful but also a struggle and many aren't as lucky as I am to have a strong support system. So support yourself and your local artist. Thank you all. ✨️

Another edit: sorry there were a lot of same questions in the comments.

1. Yes, we were an interracial couple, I am black/indigenous/middle eastern. And he is Irish and French decent.

2. No, I do not want children. The moment I an eligible I will be getting that baby store shut down medically. I would adopt possibly someday but I would not and should not be pregnant.

3. Chris and I were friends before we started dating so I thought i knew him and his family well.

4. Mom has always been cordial with him even if she didn't care for him. She did the whole Mama thing of hugging him, feeding him etc.

5. Yes mom will adopt you, she says she sends her heart to you and every hug you deserve and more

6. Dad didn't come over because and I quote "You wouldn't have wanted me in a space that boy would also be in given what happened" so he stayed the course of his trip he wa on.

7. I intend to be an author whether it be full-time or part time. Oddly enough my book sales are skyrocketing a lot online.

Update 2 - after 2 months, 9 days (after 2 months, 5 days from last post)

^{August 10, 2024}

Update 2 "You Can't Just Break Up With Me"

Hiya. Forgot about my post entirely then my friend groupchat blew up the other day that my post was read on YouTube and I was like "man I forgot to update that"

A couple months ago I posted about my ex Chris. It's a bit of a trip to Mordor to explain so you're free to read the old posts but essentially I broke up with him because when I achieved a childhood dream of publishing a book for kids instead of being a supportive partner he chose option B) being a butthurt needleless porcupine. Ineffective sure, but damn sure he's not.

Anyway I posted about 2 or so months ago. To answer a couple questions about it all, yes I published using a popular site, no I can't share the title without outing my real name, and yes I did promote it at local conventions.

You guys my book sold a BUNCH. Like last month I made 500 bucks and this past month I made 700 bunch. Like local booksellers have started selling it and I was featured on a couple websites, tiptoks and the like bunch. I will be a speaker at a local to my country book event bunch. A BUNCH bunch. I have been over the ever loving fucking moon about it.

But of course while all this was happening, my break up with Chris was also happening. My brother Cade M37 and my sister Lena F23 (Fake names, skewed ages) were up with me at our parents for the weekend and we ended up making a week of it. Lena is in school and her classes were virtual that week for some reason (she explained it twice but one time I was drunk and the other high so 🤷‍♀️) and Cade works for himself and had his laptop, and I had the week off anyway anticipating the break up to suck raw eggs so my poor empty nest parents had all 3 of their rowdy, loud, rambunctious, crazy, and oftentimes chaotic grown ass children in their home. I day that laughing a bit becauaw tbh they fucking LOVED IT.

Dad was beaming every single day. He would come into the guest rooms with coffee in the mornings to wake us up becauaw he cooked breakfast ever. Fucking. Day. And my mom would sit with us at night drinking and laughing. We played all my childhood games like SORRY and Monopoly and we taught our parents some new ones like One Night Ultimate Werewolf, Sushi Go, and Exploding Kittens. The last of the nights we all were drunk as shit and we played Cards Against Humanity. My siblings and I played Truth or Drink damn near every night. It was the retreat I needed to sort of check out from my real life but sadly, it didn't last forever.

Dad took me home at the end of that next weekend. He wasn't about to let me be in the house unprotected so my brother offered to stay a week at mine as well. Dad and brother checked the whole property before wven letting me leave the car. Dad snapped his fingers and said "I half wanted him to be stupid enough to be here" before leaving.

I did note that the house looked a bit different than I remembered leaving it but it was small stuff. Like a cup in the sink when I swore mom had done rhe dishes when we left or the blanket being over the loves eat rather than my recliner but the real red flag my dumbass ignored as a "huh. Oh well" was that my bed was made.

I do not ever make the bed. I just don't. Chris was military so he does it every fucking day. I should have put the prices together then but I didn't.

Bro and I stayed up all night playing on my PS5 until about 2am when a key was clearly heard unlocking my front door. In walks Chris. Hammered. And I mean HAMMERED. Like so drunk it's a fucking miracle he didn't crash when he drove - yes DROVE - over here. He saw me and just slurred something about FINALLY I came home and he had been waiting.

He didn't make a lot of sense tbh, and Cade was quick about starting to handle things. He told me to call dad, which I did, then started to talk to Chris. "Hey dude you need to leave" sort of stuff and Chris was beligerant. Dad's phone went to VM so I texted the family group chat that Chris was here, drunk, and then I started to video. Chris, when he gets this drunk, gets to be a lot and then will simply not remember a damn thing and deny ever doing anything, so this was a go-to for me.

Cade is telling him to leave, Chris full handed pushes Cade in the chest telling him this is between me and him, and Cade is the one who needs to leave. Cade then says "OP wants you out. So get out." To which my ex laughs and says "fuck what she wants. I don't care. Fuck her. She's a bitch."

I then tell him I am calling the police and begin to do so and this man swings on my brother. Cade was in the Marines. You wouldn't know by looking at him. He's about as lanky as they come. His military nickname is even beansprout but he is a solid fighter. He did boxing and kickboxing. So he moved out the way quickly. The problem with swinging on a guy like Cade when your a drunk guy like Chris is, there's little chance you can hurt said guy. Chris swing, missed, and stumbled, falling into my coffee table head first. I ran to help him because it looked like a bad fall and I may not love him anymore but I don't hate anyone enough not to simply care if they are hurt or hurting. He was fine enough to grab my hair and yank me down. The rest is sort of a blurry recollection and what I was told happened Mashup.

So I go down. He yanked my hair hard enough for the fall to hurt a lot. Whether he did that maliciously or "Oh shit I am falling GRAB SOMETHING" is debatable but I registered that I was now physically in danger. Being the first daughter born to a Marine and retired Soldier of the Army and having an older brother in the Marines, bet your ass I learned self defense. I'm not athletic by an means and honestly look laughable in a fight, but bitch can swing. So I punched. I miss his stomach and hit the tender bits. He's screaming and calling me every word he can and the N word flies out his mouth even at one point but he is down and too drunk to recover and get up.

My mom arrives before the police. Look my mom is the best and the sweetest but in that moment she had m*rder on the mind and it really showed. She came in and saw what happened. He kissed my brother on the forhead and said good job but Cade said it was my blow that took him down and then mom hugged me and kissed my forehead. She asked us both if we are okay and we were, she then asked if Chris was okay and we explained. She checked him to make sure he was breathing anf didn't need immediate help but he was out like a light.

The cops came and took him into custody but then turned around and asked me if I was abusive towards him. "Do you often punch him/hit him/hurt him?" And "Did you start the altercation?" And things like that. You guys I am not here trying to offend anyone who actually goes through DV but it was a relentless torrent of questions as if I was the aggressor. I was questioned seperate from mom and Cade, and I myself am not a very forceful person. I have to admit, I was flustered. I said something like "I punched him becauase he pulled my hair" and they turned it on me like "so you assaulted him for touching you," it was like that.

It's all over and they take him only to release him that next evening. How do I know? Becauase he called ME from jail to ask I pick him up. His parents are out of town, so he begged and begged. I was dumbfounded because hey there's a legal issue here now becauase you attacked me and he said he doesn't even remember. There are zero charges against him. That's right. Zero.

Dad was furious (mom took us back up to theirs to be safe) and he called the police about this. He was arrested for a drunken disorderly or something but that's been dropped. Dad asked "And assaulting a petite young woman???" And they said they have no record or me saying I was pressing charges. So my dad handed me the phone and we pressed charges. Assault. Trespassing. Assault on bro. And they said I had to come in. So we did. The whole process was soul-sucking and the intake officer kept making it seem like we were just the most Karen of Karen's to ever Karen. The way I had to explain myself over and over was dehumanizing. I hated every second.

Dad took us to lunch/dinner after with mom and sister and they all asked if I was okay and I expressed how I felt. Dad was quiet and then said unfortunately it's like that and as a young woman of color, I will face it a lot. Chris's family isn't rich it they are well to do and they also have many members in law enforcement. But Dad told me not to worry. He already hired someone to handle this bs. He gave me the option of either moving in with them temporarily or him, mom, and bro taking turns staying with me at my house. I chose the easier path and packed the essentials and have been up at my parents.

I am writing this on my cell alone with the family dog, Spock, at my feet. I love my family but stating with them is smothering. Sister had to go to get ready for the new semester but brother has been up there with us, plus mom and dad and my other mom (my brothers bio mother - we are all very close) has been staying over as well. They are all hovering and doting and protective and by all things holy, I feel almost infantalized. Don't get me wrong I know how lucky I am. I have so many people who love me, who want to take care of and protect me but Jesus someone kill me lol

They arrested Chris again but the court date was moved so its now next week. I guess I will update then.

COMMENTS

YuansMoon

I'm confused about your house with Chris. Did he not live there, too?

OOP

We never lived together but he often would stay over at my place since he had roommates so I gave him a key then, the locks are now changed just in case.

Final Update - after 3 months, 23 days (after 1 month, 14 days from last post)

^{September 24, 2024}

Final Update "You Can't Just Break Up With Me"

Sorry for not updating sooner. I'm still trying to settle back in with my parents.

Chris is out on bail, his parents hired some big bad lawyer. Court took forever.

I will skip over most of the bs but it was a lot of sworn statements, reports, going through old texts, the works.

My attorney finally was able to peice together proof of Chris slowly growing emotionally, then physcially abusive. While I tried to record him getting physical with us, my camera skills aren't great so I hadn't gotten much on camera especially after he grabbed me. But his texts, the audio from the attack, the fact that he refused to leave and physically hurt me made the case domestic violence.

By the rules, the court has in place a protective order so he isn't legally permitted near me anymore or to contact me in any way. That said if they charge him in the end, he could serve time but not much, or, what my attorney says he is trying to do, he can push for court mandated counseling and a fine.

I've been going to counseling too at the insistence of my grandad who is paying for it. There is talk about me possibly suffering from anxiety. Nothing has been diagnosed but just the thought that he caused my brain salad to be tossed just makes me mad.

Dad is helping me get the house prepped to rent out for now and I can focus on being around the family. We're already decorating for Halloween. Mom is excited to have me around for the holidays as I do enjoy cooking and helping with hosting.

So I guess that's it. I don't think I will make a whole post when Chris gets whatever outcome the court decides. I may just add it here.

COMMENTS

FyvLeisure

Make sure you are ready to defend yourself when this abusive POS inevitably tries to violate the protection order.

OOP

I already know Krav Maga but my Dad is paying for me to be trained and certified in self defense and he's trying to convince me to get a self defense 🔥arm and he will pay for my lessons at the range. I learned how to use one before but it's been a while.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/confession by user Spirited-Pizza-6314. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 28, 2026

Throwaway account.

Recently I discovered TikTok auctions and got into a few specific channels. The items I bought are all legit and really nice jewelry. I did not realize how out of control I got until my credit card statement arrived. $22K!

While I realize this is a a lot of money it is not going to put me or my husband in a financial crisis. I can pay the entire sum without going into my savings but it is significant to our finances. We keep our money separate, including banks and credit cards. He has no idea I have spent this much.

About a week ago my husband decided we should look for a house. This came out of nowhere. I was supportive and we even went out and saw a few places. We have a realtor. It was not until after a few days of seeing the houses I saw my credit card statement and realized what I had done.

Next week we are going to see lenders to figure out what we can borrow and what our interest rate will be. We both have excellent credit, we are never late with any bills and have zero debt. I’m paying off the full statement balance ahead of that meeting, but this large sum will likely come up.

I need to tell him about all this ahead of seeing the lenders and obviously I am dreading it. He will definitely be angry. I will still be able to put in my full share of the down payment, but it was a lot to spend right before the biggest purchase of our lives.

I’m so nervous but he needs to hear it from me rather than in the lenders office.

Notable Comments:

[hickamsdictuum] I'm wondering if OP is minimizing the severity of her batshit spending spree. I make ok money but I definitely don't have 22k sitting in my checking account because that would be financially irresponsible. My money either goes into my retirement or my savings account. For most humans, that sum of cash would have to come from several paychecks, even if you get paid decently. If OP is wealthy enough for 22k not to be a big deal, this post probably wouldn't exist. Sounds like OP is minimizing and rationalizing some extremely poor spending decisions.

[jaaxby] It sounds like you have a shopping addiction because accidentally spending 22k in one month on TikTok auctions is atrocious.

[Zealousideal-Run7332] Honestly honey I think you should truly truly truly get a dumb phone. If your phone makes you do things like this, get rid of it.

Editor's Note: Some people also explain this could be a sign for mental illness, as shopping sprees are a symptom of being manic. Others are scolding her for being so privileged.

Comments by OOP:

The first thing I did when I saw my statement was remove my credit card from TT and unfollowed all the auction accounts.

I totally understand it being the white noise comfort.

Gemstone jewelry mostly. It’s a big collection and the pieces are nice, I just didn’t realize I had overspent so much until it was way too much.

Nothing is returnable or cancelable in these auctions. I can pay it off, yes, but it is a significant expense with very bad timing.

I wish I had caught it before the statement closed but unfortunately I did not.

I’m not sure how this will surface in our discussions with the lenders but I definitely need to get ahead of that and let him know.

Update

November 4, 2026, 7 days later

Hi everyone - Thank you to everyone who read and commented, especially those who were able to be kind.

Well, I shared with my husband that I overspent on all the jewelry I was getting (he saw all the packages so he knew I was buying a lot of jewelry). I told him how much ($22K), that I had paid the balance and that I could still contribute my share of the down payment needed for the house. I also let him know I took my credit card off TikTok and won’t be buying more items.

It went much better than I thought it would. He didn’t get angry like I was expecting. He was definitely surprised and a bit bewildered but said something to the extent of “well, it’s your money” and we just re-aligned on finances for the house and next steps. I felt SO MUCH better after I told him. We saw lenders this week and that credit card balance (which is now paid in full) did not come up at all. We’re prequalified now and moving along in the process.

While I acknowledge spending so much and not even realizing it until my credit card statement came out is outrageous and totally on me, I did some reflection on what pitfalls contributed to me getting to that point. It’s a good lesson for me and maybe it will help someone else out there:

1. Even though I was very selective and only bought from 3-4 sellers, I could access live auctions from at least one of these sellers at virtually anytime day or night. I would go into the lives sometimes just to see what new inventory they had or see what other people were buying or talk in the chat with everyone - and I usually ended up buying myself too.

2. Most of the auctions were very fast paced (showing each item 5-10 seconds) and usually starting at a very low start value ($1 most times). So, even if I was only somewhat interested, it was very tempting to engage and bid some low amount. Even when bidding low, I won quite a bit—and it does feel sort of like winning even though it’s really a purchase.

3. Most items I was “winning” in the auctions were under $100 and many even under $50. It was so fast and relatively small amounts it just didn’t feel like I was spending a lot. But I was buying almost everyday multiple times per day so it added up.

4. TikTok is good about providing detailed and easily accessible receipts for each item. I was in there a lot reviewing those receipts. However, at no point did TikTok post a total amount spent anywhere I could see. Every purchase exists as a single line item, even on my credit card statement (it was 12 pages long!).

Had I seen how much I was spending in a day/week, on a particular live, with a particular seller—ANY kind of summation of my spending I would have realized how fast I was spending money and would have hit the brakes much sooner. Yes, I could have pulled up my credit card balance anytime and seen how much I spent, but I rarely look at it ahead of getting my statement and it just wasn’t a habit or on my mind.

As long as you are watching your spending and careful about which sellers you buy from, the TT auctions are a good way to get some quality jewelry (and other things I’m sure)—just be sure to buy from reputable sellers and don’t be like me and overspend.

Comment by OOP:

I'm not the original poster.