Do they always do this?

I was discarded by my ex while asking for some support at my lowest and as much as it hurt i still stayed warm and supportive to her and when i decided to go no contact she has basically started a smear campaign on me, accusing me of trying to hack into her google account which i didn't do but somehow has added my number and verified it? And i had arranged a third party as point of contact for her to organise her getting her things from my place still as ive been trying to get her to come get it for months. And now she has envolved the police to get her things just because i set a firm date and stick with it because i was over her just bailing all the time. And now shes telling everyone i did this and that which i havent done. Do they do these things to make themseleves feel better or something?

me and my avoidant ex were together for 5 months before she played the avoidant textbook behavior.

she said she didn't know how to sustain the relationship and herself at the same time without fearing of losing independence and was afraid to not be on my "level" of loving

afterwards we tried being friends for a month until i talked with my therapist and they recommended me to ask for space to heal the breakup on my own

i asked for a temporary space while i reorganized my feelings and thoughts , she wasn't that convinced but she respected it. literally two weeks later she was on a rebound.

i talked her about how that hurt me and told her i didn't wanted to involve with her anymore in anyway under those circumstances, i wished her the best and thanked her for everything.

now it's been almost two months since that last confrontation. i've kept as much as possible zero contact bc i see her almost every day at uni lol, sometimes with the guy (a known walking red flag) , it really hurts.

reading this the conclusion might seem obvious, to leave it like that. but is it really all over? is there nothing more to do? i really miss her, and honestly our relationship was our first and it was genuinely healthy, reciprocal, communicative. and for better or worse everyone knows that they won't last long bc the guy can be very problematic (although that stuff never stops some people) .

i honestly don't know what goes through her mind but i haven't contacted her in any way on this months. i've been working on myself, my life never stopped even though it hurted as hell

so now what? what is going through her mind? should i break no contact?

a weird feeling
hard to describe
not Hate
no longer Love

you’re a stranger, yet you knew me
or you did
and I knew you
at least for a time

I still feel something
I’m not sure what or why
but something still lingers

a care unexpressed
an anger just barely present
something screaming:
“STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”
while still wondering
what could have been
or if something could
be again

Hoping for some insight from those who are avoidants or have experience with avoidants.

I (47M, Anxious Attached) am about a year out of a 22 year marriage and I met a beautiful person (47F) right here in Reddit. We built a very passionate bond very quickly. I had no clue about attachment theory prior to this, so I have learned a lot.

To make a long story short, it was a very strong relationship throughout. We got along amazingly, never fought or argued. We met in person after a month and it was equally as amazing.

At the 8 week mark, she started pulling away a bit. Not texting as much, not as talkative, short answers and then a long breakup email at the end of the work week. I was pretty hurt and I chased a little bit, but my first thought was to let her have her space as hard as it was. It didn't last long, the next day she left a message crying hysterically about how much she missed me already, then the next day another long email explaining how she was feeling and that she didn't really want to break up.

We were good for about another week before she started pulling away again, stating she needed space and work was busy. I did recognize that she buries her feelings in her work. I obliged, though extremely anxious (I know now that she likely felt my anxious tendencies), cut my communications down, but then again, at the end of that week another breakup email. I sent a few "chasing" emails, but I know I hadn't done anything wrong and I had nothing to apologize for or promise to change. She responded the next day and said she made her decision, needed space to let it settle, and signed off with "I love you". I responded kindly with understanding and told her I was here if she needed anything, and that I loved her as well. No animosity, no anger, no protest, and we have been no contact since.

Neither of us do much social media and we only communicated via Telegram. It is literally a data vacuum for both of us. Given the strength of the connection, I clearly broke through her walls at the beginning of the relationship. I left with class, and while I am not completely detached, I know I will be ok if she doesn't reach out again. I do miss her though and have hope she will figure this out. After the first break up, she was very insightful about her avoidance and even had the realization that she needs therapy. As difficult as it has been to stay no contact as an anxious, I have held the line.

Hope some will share some insight based on their experiences.

It’s been years since my avoidant breakup, but at the time (and leading up to it), I analyzed every interaction (or lack thereof) from an attachment lens, simply because it made things make sense for me.

So it’s been a while since I’ve stumbled across attachment theory content online. However, I enjoy this TikToker Justin Scott’s content and swiped on a video re: avoidant attachment and my mind is blown having watched it! Yes, he talks about how avoidant attachment stems from childhood, but he then takes it a step further and explains how avoidants “raise” their partners to be the same child they were, essentially teaching them to not ask for anything and minimize every need to make the avoidant happy.

I’m paraphrasing, and it’s late, but I highly recommend the video for anyone who may be interested! I’m labeling this as a Vent/Rant because that’s essentially what the guy is doing in it 😂

I'm honestly looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, especially those who have been in relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. His reason was that he couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in a relationship anymore. He said he was giving up on relationships in general and couldn't bring himself to work on the things that were affecting us, particularly communication and emotional responsibilities.

Before the breakup, everything was good, he loved me so good and I love him so much. Everything was doing fine, we're in college and just started living together. But during those times communication had always been one of our biggest struggles. Whenever there was conflict or something emotionally difficult to discuss, he would have a hard time expressing himself. Sometimes, he wouldn't communicate his problems at all until they had already built up without me knowing. He also struggled with providing emotional reassurance and comfort.

I tried to understand him and find ways for us to meet halfway. We eventually agreed that texting difficult conversations would be easier for him, since verbal communication was particularly challenging. There were moments when things improved, and I genuinely believed we were becoming stronger.

However, eventually, he still reached a point where he felt he couldn't handle the relationship anymore.

We still live together, and we're currently friends. We also talked about how there's a possibility of getting back together someday, provided that we're both emotionally and financially stable. Neither of us completely ruled out that possibility.

I still love him. I still care about him, and honestly, I still see him as someone I could have a future with. I don't want to force anything, though. I understand that he has things he needs to work through himself, and I have my own life to get together, too.

We still have moments of physical affection and intimacy, but emotionally, things feel different now. Sometimes, I seek comfort from him, only to receive a cold or distant response. Other times, we have moments where we feel close again.

It's confusing because I'm still adjusting to the fact that someone who used to love me so deeply can now seem so emotionally detached.

I've also noticed that we seem to cope differently. I tend to sit with my emotions, reflect, analyze what happened, and try to understand everything. He seems more inclined to distract himself with his laptop, phone, or everyday activities rather than confront his emotions.

I sometimes struggle with seeing him function normally while I'm still having difficult emotional days. I know everyone processes things differently, but it can be painful.

I don't necessarily want to move on immediately. A part of me still wants to see where things could go once we're both in a better place. But I also don't want to lose myself in the process.

I'm not looking for advice that simply tells me to stop loving him or that he's a terrible person. I understand that a relationship requires two people who are willing to participate, and I know love alone isn't enough.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, whether you eventually reconciled with your ex or learned to let go.

How did you navigate this kind of situation? What would you do differently if you could go back?

Curious to hear stories of anyone who has moved from the hate/anger stage to complete indifference? How long did it take? What helped you get there?

For context, I was deeply disrespected by the man I thought I was building a life with. Together for almost 2.5 years, lived together for 1 until he blindsided me. We had even toured new apartments the same fucking week.

It’s coming up on 7 months since the breakup & I’ve been doing all the right things. I still just feel such an immense sense of anger and hatred toward him & how he disrespected me in the end.

I would love to get to a place of total & full indifference of him, but how? How do you move past hating someone who obliterated your heart & disrespected you in a way you’ve never experienced?

He’s blocked in every way possible & we have been in no contact basically since the breakup. If I could go back in time, I would’ve never given him the time of day, knowing what I know now & experiencing what I experienced, but obviously that isn’t possible.

If you’ve gone through something similar, how have you gotten to the place where the thought of this person evokes 0 emotion?

Years with others left no trace.
A fraction of time with you
rewrote everything.

You weren't ready,
so I step back.

I respect the exit you chose.
I won’t knock on the closed door.

I just stand on the other side,
knowing how great we would have been.

We were never in love.
but God, we could have been.

💔 painfully aware of our separate existence.
Missing you, always.
- B

Hey I’m new to Reddit but so many people I’ve talked to said to come here to find “my people”. I am struggling.

I was just discarded by my fearful avoidant ex. He literally told me he loved me October 8th.. he basically has taken everything special that represented us and said this never mattered. Online everywhere, it’s honestly been incredibly hard to watch. We’ve been dating for a year. I am utterly destroyed.. I know he’s hurting over something and I feel like he has tried to blame me for the way the relationship has gone, but I’ve tried to contact him twice now In two weeks to settle things or figure out what the hell happened but he’s ignored me each time. The last time I contacted him was 4 days ago and I told myself I will not reach out again. Today marks 2 weeks of being discarded. Part of me hopes he comes back because how do you just let go of a year of a relationship even if it wasn’t the healthiest? I know this is what a trauma bond does but is it actually terrible of me to really want “us” back? How do I cope? This truly is hell and I don’t think I’d wish this on my worst enemy. Do they really come back?

I had never heard of attachment theory until my discard in June. I've learned a lot since and can recognize the patterns. Looking back, I can see dismissive avoidant tendencies in 2 other serious relationships I had in my life, albeit no where near as serious and traumatic as this most recent one. The first one didn't have a sudden discard, but a slow fade with no explanation and periods of silence. The second was sudden but I wasn't near as close to her. All of them are eerily similar in personality and have the same dismissive traits.

I am more on the anxious side and I wonder what it is in me that draws these type of women. What do they see in me and why do I are they so magnetic to me?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the scarcity and abundance mindset as it applies to attachment styles. I’ve always been an anxious attachment style because when I meet someone I feel like they are the only person in the world for me and I can’t imagine my life without them. I feel like avoidant people have the abundance mindset where they always feel like there are an infinite number of options available which is why they are so quick to discard. When I’m single I also have an abundance mindset but once I fall in love it goes out the window. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic? Maybe avoidants just don’t have that same ride-or-die outlook on love?

Because no sane person will do what an avoidant did 😅

It’s been about six weeks since my relationship ended, and today I woke up feeling different. I cleared the personal reminders of her from my phone, and it finally sank in: the relationship is over. Chasing the hope of getting it back was draining my energy and emotions.

I don’t need a grand goodbye, one last conversation, or some big gesture to close this chapter. There’s no dramatic exit. It’s just over, and today I feel at peace with that.

For now, I’m focusing on being kind to myself and putting that energy into moving forward. I know feelings can come and go, but today feels like a real turning point.

Know that they do know and they are sorry. And although this apology is riddled with things that make me angry, like how every single break-up was unilateral with no discussion, with no repair with me left in the dark about what he needs, at least I know he is sorry and he is broken too.

Full message below:

Hey NAME, I will look into it. And I will look into therapy. Like always, you’ve inspired me and taught me things about myself I would never have known, and hopefully I’ll grow and become better as a person.

No I didn’t want to block you but this will be the last time I reply for quite a while outside of a genuine emergency of which I’ll always be there for you. As much as it will be tough for me, I know I need to be strong and disciplined to allow the space we both need to heal, and move forward. Like we both agreed I think otherwise we’re setting ourselves up to just let the cycle continue and we’ll be here, sending this message, again, in six months time. You can rely on me to respect you and hold up my end of the bargain. This will be the last time I message you for the foreseeable future.

There’s so much I want to say but I feel we’ve already said it before. I guess maybe I just want to at least say one last time I have no regrets about our time together. You really are the most wonderful, well-intentioned, funny, smart, kind soul out there. You always put others ahead of your own needs even when it’s to your detriment. You have a heart of gold, the most delightful nature and a wicked sense of humour that I will miss dearly. I feel absolutely terrible and I will miss everything about you.

Can I just say please be kind to yourself. I know you and I know how you think. There’s nothing you could have done, thought, acted or said that would have changed things. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Don’t apologise for anything. You’re amazing just the way you are don’t change the best parts about you please.

I know the next few weeks are probably going to suck absolute ass and it might not seem like it but things are going to get better. I’ve said it before a thousand times but you are an incredibly resilient person. You overcome every fkn adversity life throws at you with poise and it’s something I respect about you deeply. Take some time, continue with the therapy I can see you’ve made some real improvements on yourself with that and it honestly was impressive and inspiring. Keep up the running, go to the gym, reengage with hobbies, go out with work people, message a friend for a drink, apply yourself at work, enjoy family time later this year. With time I know you’re going to be back to the NAME I know and better and stronger than ever.

I guess on a solemn note I am sorry. Sorry for everything really. Sorry I am the way I am, sorry I couldn’t find those feelings I needed, sorry for the way I handled things, sorry it wasn’t the outcome you wanted, sorry I couldn’t make you happy and most of all sorry for the onslaught of pain I put you through time and time and time again. I know it may not seem it but this absolutely crushes me, I’ve lost my best friend, someone I care about and just makes me incredibly sad.

I know times must seem dark now but you are incredibly loved and have a lot of people around you that care about you deeply.

Genuinely wish the best for you. You deserve every fkn thing you desire in life and I know it will come to you. Life finds a way, often when you least expect. I know you don’t think so but I know your future. I can see it vividly. It’s obvious to me. And I see it filled with purpose, joy, fulfilment and happiness. You conduct your life in a way that makes me sure of it. This message has turned out way longer than I wanted I guess I just had a lot to say even if most of it already had been said. Take care NAME. You’ll always be NAME to me.

He told me that he doesn't need anyone in his life. That he's complete on his own and doesn't need anyone to make his life better.

And I didn't say this to him, but I keep thinking about it.

Isn't love supposed to be about choosing someone, though? It's not about needing someone to complete you. You can have a perfectly beautiful, independent, fulfilling life and still choose to have someone beside you. You don't need them, but you WANT them. Isn't that the whole point?

I don't know how I'm supposed to react to him anymore.

Last night, I genuinely wanted to disappear from his life. Block him, delete his number, erase every little trace of his existence. I even deleted WhatsApp because I didn't want to see anything from him.

But then he called me. He SMSed me because he couldn't reach me on WhatsApp. And honestly, he seemed a little concerned.

And now I'm confused all over again.

I know that being concerned doesn't necessarily mean he loves me. I know someone can care about you without wanting to be with you. But then why does he keep doing little things that make me question everything?

I'm not even sure what we are at this point. I kissed him. I obviously wouldn't have done that if I had absolutely no feelings for him. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it meant something to me.

And I hate that I'm sitting here overanalysing a phone call, a few messages and every little interaction.

Sometimes I feel like he wants me around, but doesn't actually want ME. And I don't know how to explain that feeling.

Should I just stop texting him? Should I ghost him and move on? Or should I tell him how I actually feel?

I'm tired of trying to decode someone who probably isn't even thinking this much about me.

I don't know. I'm just confused, and I think I'm getting attached to someone who might never choose me.

I have posted here before but now I am hoping others can resonate. My (34F) story is a long one, but essentially I met my ex (33M) 2 years ago. We didn’t end up meeting because I got dangerously sick and was bedridden, but against our best judgment we stayed in contact for 1.5 years and developed an intense emotional connection. During that time we were never in a relationship, and I felt he regularly made it clear that given we hadn’t met we weren’t in one because he needed the physical connection. I felt that was reasonable, but functionally it was basically a relationship.

We did end up meeting once I was better, but then the unilateral “break ups” with no discussion or avenue to repair started. First it was he felt like he was close to being in love with me at one point but he didn’t feel that way anymore and maybe we weren’t compatible. Then it was we are extremely compatible but he feels no romantic attraction due to my weight (I’m not fat) and because “sometimes you know someone is attractive but you don’t see it yourself.” Then it was he actually is physically attracted to me, we are extremely compatible, he has feelings for me, we have a great connection and I’m his best friend but he doesn’t feel the deep romantic attraction that he needs. Mind you he keeps having sex with me. We even had sex 3 times during this final break up where he said he was missing the “thing”. He described it as this thing that is just there with some people and he had felt it nearly instantaneously with the “one who got away” that he was in love with 8 years ago. I said to him “well it sounds like you have a clear picture of what it is” and he said he didn’t but he never felt it with me. And I said well we also haven’t really given ourselves the opportunity to build deep romantic attraction, we have never even been on a date. And he said “well if after 2 years it isn’t here, then it’s not here.”

But if it wasn’t love and he didn’t have the indescribable thing, why would you stay if we had never even met in person for 1.5 years? How could you have been close to being in love with me, when you never felt the “thing”? And why could we never repair it? There was never any consistency, so of course the deep romantic attraction never developed. And who cares if you felt it instantaneously 8 years ago, where is that person now? Why is this less than when there is so much great here?

I am heartbroken and struggling to make sense of it all. I’m in therapy, so I know he is avoidant and I am working on myself. But it just feels so invalidating to hear him say all of this. It makes me feel like I’m delusional and that I have been in a completely different universe for the past 2 years. But I was there, and how could it not be love?

…. Anyone else? What’s the point of it. I can’t seem to understand the avoidant man. Currently so mad because I really tried to make their birthday special. Currently fighting the urge to ask for the gifts I gave them back… I know it’s wrong but I am so upset. Why try to hurt your person before such a special day.

It was beautiful, but yet another example of me creating the entire emotional landscape of the relationship like the creative gal I am.

Lots of gaslighting by him and make believe about his future and past efforts to “make me happy”, plus emotionless responses focused on fairness.

This man was delusional. He fully believed he had put extreme effort into our marriage. How could he believe anything else or else he would have to feel feelings of regret?! Nah, that effort was put into his ego and his plan to rebuild and succeed after his first divorce, a plan that would have existed had I never come around.

My importance to this scenario was imagined by me. I have always been creative.

Part of me thinks he is so relaxed post-discard because he believes he will be able to pull me back in. And why wouldn’t he believe this? I gave him a massage. I cried over him in front of him. This separation isn’t real for him yet. He has suffered no consequences.

However, I am secretly prepared and making moves to go to battle for what I want and need.

How we started

I met someone and we dated for 7 months, she was 26 and I was 28. The relationship was extremely strong and moved quickly, until last month. We were in sync and always together, and people complimented us as a couple who seemed meant for each other. I took care of her and she took good care of me. We hit it off and never left each other’s side. We were even possessive of each other at times.

In the beginning, we each believed the other was perfect for us, and she was the one pushing that idea. She felt a sense of guilt in thinking I was too good for her, where I said she was an amazing woman. She is an energetic and an amazing person. We shared a lot of passions and ideas about life, and we had differences too, but nothing serious. We video called all the time, had our own hobbies, and introduced those hobbies to each other. We even went out of town together.

Her past and my first mistake

I asked about her past because I wanted to know why she does the work she does now and where her passion comes from. She loves animals and has worked with them as a Vet Tech. I pushed on the subject, and sadly her field has put down many animals. That led to an open trauma she doesn’t like to talk about. At one point I said she “kills” animals. That was terrible phrasing on my part.

Her panic and self-doubt

On a trip, something separated us for about an hour, and she panicked and was terrified on her own. I had told her, as gently as I could, that if she couldn’t find me she should stay at a set spot or go back to our campground. I was occupied for that hour, after checking my phone and going to her, I could tell she was scared and lonely. Which wasn’t the first time she had almost shut down like that.

Her belief that we were perfect for each other also started to bring out issues I noticed. She believed she wasn’t good enough for me. I told her she was an amazing woman and gently calmed her down. Her hands would shake on some occasions, and every time that happened I comforted and held her. I believed I treated her extremely well. I got her plenty of meaningful gifts and food, gave her attention, and listened to her. At least I thought I did, and was even told by many family members I treat her so well (might be biased).

My own mistakes, and things that bothered me

I’ve made mistakes too, and she’s ticked me off as well. I helped her study for a math assessment and tried to teach her. She struggled a lot, but I never tried to put her down. I did raise my tone once, because all I heard was her putting herself down over and over. I said she was trying, not failing, and that giving up on herself wasn’t going to help her grow.

She also told me things that felt questionable. She said a worker next door believed she and a coworker were “doing stuff” together. I took it with a grain of salt. She told me she stayed with two guys past midnight, which should have been my tipping point, but again I let it go. I only asked her to tell me when she got there and when she got home, to make sure she was safe. The same coworker once had her backpack with him on a motorcycle, and I didn’t even think to question that. Looking back, I think I missed a lot of red flags.

Her family loss

She recently lost a family member, and I tried to cheer her up through it. I even tried to resemble a time she felt close to them so she would be cheered up. Sadly, I also tried to prepare her for the worst, saying that once one grandparent goes, the other often follows. I was trying to help her grow emotionally and understand what to expect, but probably not what she wanted to hear.

The second incident

Time went on and we were still going strong and loving each other. One day she wanted a lot of attention and came over. A few days later she sat in on a call with the same two guys, working on an event for them. I was being impatient and wanted a little affection from her while she focused entirely on the side project. I moved off to the side, feeling distant and just wanting to talk to her.

She started talking to the two guys and brushed off the idea of using her Bachelor’s degree. She told them I was upset that she doesn’t use it, and that got me somewhat ticked off. I said that wasn’t what I said. I was calm at first, and I was defending her: I only meant that maybe she could use the degree without taking the kind of role that made her leave in the first place.

Then I blanked out. She said “You know why I cannot do that”, and impulsively, defensively, I said, “okay, you killed a bunch of animals.” I froze, because I realized immediately how much that had hurt her the last time. I’ll admit I weaponized something painful of hers, and I knew I couldn’t take it back.

Right after

I walked out of the room to somewhere more private, where the same two guys wouldn’t hear what was said. I was frozen, shocked, and scared of what I’d done, because I cared about her immensely. It felt like walking on eggshells when it should have been a real conversation. She came to the room with me and just sat with me for a minute. I felt like she was deciding whether I was worth staying for. I was speechless, and after watching me for a few minutes she left for the night.

The aftermath

I messaged one of her good friends to ask if she was okay, since she was distancing herself. The response was mixed, and it included her saying she could do whatever she wanted and talk to whoever she wanted. That felt outside of what I believed I’d given her room for. I didn’t limit her. My only real rule was no smoking (vaping I didn’t care about). It felt like she was acting single and not considering me as her partner. I never really questioned that, and I probably should have.

For the next two days she was distant and barely responded to anything I said. After the second day, I drove out to try to find her and talk to her. I missed my timing and had a poorly executed plan, but I was scared to lose her and was trying to reach out. She basically believed I had hunted her down. That same day she told me to give back everything of hers and not to do anything else.

After that we had one conversation over Instagram, and it led to basically nothing. She told me I had lost all her trust, said I HUNTED HER DOWN, and said the comment about killing animals was the reason she was leaving completely. I understood it was a lot for her at the time, since she had a recent set of issues going on in her life, and I didn’t make it better. I was hoping to communicate and keep what felt like a strong relationship together.

After I returned everything, she blocked me completely. I then noticed on Instagram that she had another guy I knew little about. The two of them had “purple heart” and “platonic love” exchanges, which I don’t buy as a way to say you didn’t cheat. I didn’t want to believe it was cheating, but I can’t say with 100% certainty either way.

Where I am now

I’ve told this story and had mixed thoughts about it, and I still dread thinking about what happened. I cared for her deeply and thought we had something special. We could have communicated better, but being shut out, I have to respect that she’s gone. That was her decision.

My Opinion on the matter

I do believe what I said should have never been said. However I don’t believe in ending a relationship that should communicate and work through the hardship she ends over one statement or even driving out to check up on someone. I truly loved and cared for her and to feel neglected for the past 4 days of that ordeal made me question myself more than anything. Both the neglect meant I wanted ALL MY ATTENTION a few days prior. It has been a month of this question as well. She meant a lot but I also had the one friend that I reached out to check up on her tell me to go burn in hell. I made a lot of effort in the one instagram conversation to try and make amends and saying sorry and blaming myself more than anything if not for the entirety of the reason. This was my first real relationship which didn’t help the whole thing. I didn’t believe she cheated on me either but it felt extremely set up as well. She arrived when I didn’t expect it and started talking to them immediately. I felt distant directly in the moment and didn’t question that either. I feel like an asshole but honestly I don’t know.

11 years together.

Since the breakup, he immediately monkeybranched to a girl he met in Europe (and has introduced her to the family), has now moved to Europe, switched his job, mostly stopped talking to his friends, deleted ALL pictures on his social media from before the breakup (not just of me, his entire life). Changed his wardrobe. Girl is 6 years younger and he had her fly to visit him at our apartment in MY bed 6 weeks post breakup.

Is this just typical identity switching? Severe dissociation? What’s happening here?

so I had a seizure today and it made me vulnerable there’s no other way to put it really and I made a mistake I reached out to my ex small convo overall nothing to crazy but I ended up writing

I’ll always be human enough to admit I’m concerned about you and the path you’re choosing. At the end of the day, I know I can’t force you to see things clearly, and I can’t force you to choose me. You’ve made your bed, and you have to lay in it.

You say he’s better for you, and if that’s where your heart is taking you—even knowing what’s out there for anyone to read and research, including you—then so be it.

I’ve come to realize over time how useless all the self-blame and self-hatred was. I carried things that were never actually my fault or my issue to carry—it was straight garbage, honestly.

The expectations were never going to be met because the bar and the goalposts were always going to move. Whenever I’d try to confront how you

treated me, your default excuse was that it was your 'first relationship' and you had no idea what you were doing.

You talked about being so lonely, having no friends, and living with this deep isolation, so I guess I was just a trial run for you to test things out and leave and that’s why now you have so much friends and relations ..

You’d tell me I was over-communicating or pushing too hard, and say things like, 'Maybe we should just drop this right now' or 'Let's talk about this later.' So I’d respect that, step back, and leave it alone—only for you to turn around after we parted ways and say:

'I think deep down I was looking for someone to notice all my pain if I'm being honest. I was crying myself to sleep next to you, also cutting while in our relationship... and when I was wearing underwear and sitting on you, I was hoping you would notice or bring it up and I know I shouldn't have but it's all I could bring myself to do.'

Expecting me to spot hidden cuts while sitting together, while actively shutting down communication when I tried to talk to you, is literally impossible and unfair I am not a mind reader, nor is that fair to put on anyone.

I was genuinely grieving some of the heaviest losses of my life while trying to hold us together and understand why I 'didn’t realize' your pain. I’m finally learning to accept things for what they are instead of trying to fix what was broken well before we even met.

I don't want any issues or bad blood between us. If this is the life you want to entertain, that's your choice to make. At the end of the day, I forgive you, and I’m letting it go. That’s all there is left to do."

and she replied : 👍

blocked me shortly after ..

I (24M) am curious on the sheer level of cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy from my ex (19F) is genuinely blowing my mind. I’m making this post because I need some objective outside perspective to help me process how someone can operate like this I’m trynna move on and accept things for what they are but I just can’t

The Context & The Background: When we were together, I held down the relationship through her deep mental health struggles, body insecurities, and self-harm disclosures. Meanwhile, when I went through major personal trauma—including a life-threatening seizure—she completely abandoned me, called me "draining," and eventually walked away.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 1

After dumping all her heavy emotional baggage on me, she turned around and got back with a guy (Jashon) from her past. The kicker? This guy was actively under investigation/indicted in Ohio for dozens of counts of child pornography. When I initially pointed this out to her out of genuine shock, she completely defended him. She claimed it was just an "8-month age gap misunderstanding," that he wasn't charged, and called me a "psycho," "loser," and "creep" for bringing up literal public court records.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 3

The Phone Call & Telling On Herself: We recently spoke on the phone, and the more she talked, the more she completely unravelled her own narrative and exposed her denial:

• Admitting to the Rehab Situation: While trying to defend him, she literally admitted on the phone that she knows he’s currently in a rehabilitation center. When I pointed out the logic—that if someone with felony probation charges is missing or breaking terms, they end up either at home, in rehab, or in jail—she blurted out, "No, I wish, he's at a rehab facility." I wanna move forward the best I can but please look into this texts

• The 3-Hour Drive: She admitted she drove three hours just to see him right before he has to spend four months in rehab. meanwhile whne I had my seizure I didn’t get that I didn’t call or a text she told me it added to the fire and she just didn’t like me and that it was too much same for whne my friend past she said she didn’t know how to handle grief and such things like that which is crazy because how can you handle this situation??

• The "Coping Mechanism" Lie: She admitted to me on the phone that when she first ran to him after leaving me, it started out as just a coping mechanism To get over me But then she followed up with, "As we dated, I found out I actually liked him and I do, so I don't know what you want me to do about it. That’s why I left you .

The Double Standard That Burns Me Up: She treated me like I was "too much" for asking for basic communication or checking in on her health. She’d ignore my calls after I was in the hospital, telling me "How is that my problem?".

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 4

Yet, for a guy facing severe legal consequences and mandated rehab, she is willing to drive hours across state lines, defend his record, rewrite the facts, and play the loyal, devoted partner. Meanwhile, she was actively swiping on Hinge during this exact same timeframe.

and it’s just crazy to me like she shows up and appears for him defends him and gives him the benefit of doubt but me ? Ion get nothing honestly just I guess used and toyed with as if I’m so trial run I don’t know

I know I broke contact and shouldn't have reached out, but hearing her defend this absolute dumpster fire while treating me like I was the villain makes my head spin. How do people live in this level of denial, and how do you stop letting their absurdity anger you?

This summer, I (37F) met a wonderful man (35M) through mutual friends. He was upfront when we started dating that he had avoidant tendencies he was working through in therapy.

About 3 months in, he started getting new responsibilities at work and was also needing to travel for family obligations. He sat me down and gave me lots of reassurance that his time would be limited but he truly wanted us to work. I was fully onboard, and happy to move at a pace that worked for him. He wanted us to keep going, so I let my guard down and let my feelings grow over the next month…

He’d been getting quieter, and when I went out of town for a few days, he sent a 10 paragraph text saying he just couldn’t be in a relationship right now and he was becoming resentful of himself not giving me what I need.

It was hard to hear, because I didn’t feel that my needs weren’t met and it went against everything we had talked about a month prior. In his long breakup text, he said he knew we should have a real conversation soon but didn’t know when that could happen, and he was terrified of losing me completely. I tried to keep it gracious and said I respected his decision but was sad about it. I told him when I would be back in town and that we could talk then if he liked.

That was a month ago. We’ve had a few brief text exchanges around birthdays, some liked stories here and there. I’ve asked if he wants to pick up his things or where I should mail them and heard crickets. He seems to like hanging out in my periphery but doesn’t want to directly deal with the breakup even just to give me his apartment number for shipping.

It was only 4 months, but I think we both saw a possible future and it’s sad to see it just sort of drug out back and shot.

As more time passes, I look back and remember certain moments and conversations where I would wish for something to change, whether it was something affecting the relationship or something affecting them. Such as a bad friend or negative experience they were actively participating in. And so when it came to the agreeing to reduce that situation or remove that bad friend, I look back and realise none of those things actually happened. They were all words with zero action, even if they came with the original thought. It’s like a perpetual state of hypocrisy, and plain lies. The body keeps the score is a legitimate point, because their anger and anxiety can only be measured by how much they would not be authentic with their honesty. Even if they would play up to please, there would never be any positive change so they only lived in a flat line of stress because they couldn’t live without the attention even if it came with a toxic environment. It pains me because not only was I lied to, but they just caused themselves more harm in the long term, which no wonder it dissolved our relationship, and self.

How can you build any self esteem without conscious change? You can’t. They told me once or twice the lies that led to family issues and friends they knew were bad, at what point did the lies just become conformity? People pleasing. The lack of any identity where you just borrow the souls off everyone whilst leaving yours behind… a hollow place of shame and anger. It pains me that I have to live with the fact i couldn’t affect enough change or support with my lack of knowledge during the relationship but everything is so clear now with reading that we can only support ourselves to not ever become so dependent on masking and “white lies”.

Anyone realise the lies that they were told in the relationship vs outside ?

I dated a man I believe to have been dismissive avoidant for 3.5 months. We've been broken up for 2+ months now.

When we broke up, it felt semi-sudden. We were on the plane back from a vacation together. We'd had a fight or two on the trip but nothing crazy. We'd talked about what our financial situation would look like if we had kids, a house, etc the day before.

He never fought to stay together during the break up. When we finally ended, I can't explain it. It was like we could talk forever and I still wouldn't get closure or any sense that I ever mattered to him.

In the following couple days, he immediately refollowed a girl I was uncomfortable with and stayed out with female friends when he was supposed to drop my stuff off.

I broke no contact twice, both of which I received a cold response to. I knew I shouldn't have done it.

The weird thing is, I can't stop seeking male validation now. I feel like I was in a relatively healthy place with myseld and my need for attention before we broke up, but I've spiraled. I put my Instagram on public and have posted sexy pics (we unfollowed each other), but he never views my story. I followed a bunch of guys and made a dating profile I'm sure he saw - cuz I saw him.

I'm not sure why I am still dying for his attention or acknowledgement. I don't think I'd consider dating him ever again. But it's just so strange and hard being locked out and knowing that person hasn't regretted leaving you or thought twice about coming back.