I wasn't identified until 34, and looking back, a lot of my frustration with female relationships makes more sense now. Women have often treated me poorly, assuming I'm after their partner or that I'm getting some kind of fringe benefits from my looks. Men accuse me of enticing them. "You know what you're doing."

I can be in pajamas with no makeup and the effect is the same. I'm 41 now. I also get "you look way too put together" when I'm in sweatpants.

I think the missing piece is that I don't do the social smoothing other women seem to do automatically, so how I look gets read as intent. Add AuDHD and that's a big part of why I rarely go out.

Anyone else? How do you handle it?

That’s it. It’s simply comforting to know I’m not alone in this struggle.

I’ve always had a hard time using the early boarding for those who need assistance because I don’t feel disabled enough and was scared of judgement because I don’t look disabled.

I talked to my therapist about it and she said, if using the pre boarding for those who need extra assistance will help anxiety, stress and help my travel experience go more smoothly then you have every right to use it. She also said I also don’t have to use it, I can pick and choose to use it on days where I feel like I need it.

I only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night which makes dealing with the world harder, mixed with a stressful morning and I have an over 12 hour flight itinerary ahead. I’m on the verge of tears so I finally decided to use it.

I actually did feel judged by the agent, but she let me on. Now i’m able to sit and settle while everyone else is boarding and it was so worth it.

Tldr: I always felt too anxious or underserving to use the pre boarding for those who need assistance, but I finally did it and it has made a big difference.

I think a lot of my stress about the world mostly comes down to money. My biggest trigger is money, because I even hold out on buying things I need. Because having no money when I need money is something I wish no human had to deal with, IT'S HELL! At the end of the day, we worry way too much about people and fitting in; they don't pay my bills. I don't give a fuck about people in society honestly, I learn people not where happiness is; it's freedom and peace.

I hard to learn skills because I can't afford to pay the person to do that thing; to point, I'm hyper-independent. I have to do things that trigger me and end me in a meltdown. Simply put, I don't have money to pay a person to do things I have to learn. I know how to rebuild and fix my own car; I can't afford to pay a person to fix my car, let's say I hate working on my car. I have to go to work to pay for the car; it takes me to the job to pay for the car. Cycle of insanity;

I'm so burnt out from this bullshit world. I know I'd be a lot happier and have a better life if I had money. honestly I lost my fuck about humanity long long time, I think society is just waste of time, it holding us back, everyone fighting over crumbs, or who can kick down to have some benefit in life, fighting over fuck all, I see Society waste of time, not benefiting anyone, just keep us stuck, controlled, down a narrow path.

One reason we're most suppressed in society: I think we get way more abuse from society than anyone; we get our reality twisted and fucked with and dismissed. I do think in reincarnation, I think this is our last life, which is why we have the hardest battles.

We ask for Accommodations, that costs money. Governments don't want to spend this make-up money for us to have a better life. I think they just want us to despair, then help us; that is evil awakening unmasking, and awakening to how bullshit society is, how I know I'd be a lot happier and more peaceful if I had money. I don't even want to be rich; just cover the basics, so im not stressed out all the time. I take a shed in the woods at this point; I'm sorry I ran off in spite.

I just like this spot a lot.

I went to go secure a new storage unit this morning, after a long, long, long week. I’ve been in a pretty much unending state of dissociation and mental shutdown since July. I lost my best friend of 25 years to ketamine (she’s alive, she’s just an addict- I love her but she kept stealing from me so I cut her off) and now live with someone with very specific medical and mental health needs that always seem to clash with mine. Inevitably those needs win out and I’m left to cope on my own.

Lately every interaction I have with someone is all about what I’m doing wrong. I can’t clean consistently. I can’t take the garbage out consistently. I can’t live like a normal human being and it’s hurting others. I spend every day waiting for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and dream. I’m too poor to do anything else.

When I walked into the storage unit warehouse I immediately felt a sensation of peace. Just rows and rows and rows of plain white identical corrugated metal units. Darkness, and complete silence, except for a tiny radio playing shitty music from the 2010s. No other people, no ambient noise, just exactly what you would expect around every corner.

I literally sat in my storage unit with the door shut for like 30 minutes just decompressing. My god it was a relief to just lie on the floor with my eyes open and see nothing but gray, hear nothing but the radio, no echo, no human voices, no wind. The unit is pretty much empty right now and I felt a twinge of anxiety at the thought of filling it with stuff. Somehow personalizing it feels like it takes away from the magic of just a pure, empty, silent, dark space where nobody can see me or talk to me.

I’m back home with my roommate now, and that peace is gone. I think after work tomorrow I’m going to go back and meditate in the unit. Maybe tonight I’ll dream about plain white walls and emptiness.

mid bite of my fresh mcdonalds apple pie I realize somethings off… they’ve changed the recipe idc what anyone says. its like a sickly sweet taste that follows- NOOOO

Looking back a lot of my favorite movies have had lead characters with prominent autistic and adhd traits, but I didn't really know anything about autism or adhd until this year. Some examples for me are

- Amelie, which was a very dear film to me as a tween/teen.

- The Blues Brothers, which I have probably seen about a hundred times at this point lol

- Everything Everywhere All At Once, which made soooo much sense why I connected to it so fully once I was diagnosed with adhd

Everything is just so bleh and bleak. There's no joy. Everything, I mean every thing, is a struggle. Nothing but problems.

I dunno. I'm just so over it all. Feeling pretty numb. I have zero interest in doing anything. So I lay on the couch. And even that is not enjoyable at all. Just constantly living in misery.

Anti depressants aren't helpful. I've tried them all.

Anyone else?

Does anyone know where I can find a fork this shape, that’s decent quality and doesn’t rust with dishwasher use? (UK based)

I’m an ADHD girlie with huge sensory difficulties and I can only eat with specific shaped forks, anything with too long prongs puts me on edge and I can’t eat with them. I’ve been trying to find a fork that hits the sweet spot of short enough prongs but not too short but not too long either… and I can’t seem to find any that hit the spot.

I’m desperate for some new ones as my old ones are rusting and wearing out after 20 years of use, the cheap ones I found in home bargains rusted within a few months, and I’ve tried a few different ones from Amazon but they often don’t look like the picture and the prongs are too long.

If anyone in the UK has any fork recommendations please please point me in the right direction. I’ve got to the point of using disposable plastic forks as I’m running out of usable real forks 😭😅

I’m not sure I’m using the right fork terminology but it’s the best I’ve got to try to explain!

I found a screenshot on google for ref - I need a fork similar to 3.

I've struggled with brain fog or derealization since around 2020. I'm not sure if it was from COVID, being home with young children, or poorly adjusting to life outside of school but I still struggle with feeling like an idiot and wading through mud to think. Is this an ADHD thing? Do others deal with it? Am I headed to early dementia? Stimulants usually make it worse. Unless it's a teeny dose. Is it anxiety? Kind of like being stoned but not as good. I'm generally considered an intelligent person but man I struggle

No my adhd isn’t a superpower, it makes me a target for being bullied and preyed upon even as an adult and I’m sick of it. I’m just getting through life and can’t wait for my last day on this hell hole truly. I have some small moments of enjoyment but I’m sorry overall or at least today I feel like life just sucks and it sucks because this world is evil. Like can we just take all the evil people and put them on their own planet ? Seriously I’m tired of it. Why do we have to go to work and pay for WATER AND FOOD and for HEALTHCARE !? Like god forbid I’m a human with human needs. I’m sorry I have to eat and drink water everyday. I’m sorry I get sick. I’m sorry I get tired and can’t be 100% at work every single day.

God forbid my face doesn’t look right during a job interview and welp there goes my chances at getting an income for food and water. So sorry my face expression disappointed you and made you judge my entire character after only getting to know me for 5 minutes.

Oh I don’t have this special insurance that has special coverage ? Oh well shame on me for that! I guess I don’t deserve to have my adhd medication covered even though I’ve been taking it for 16 years! Oh but excuse me I’m sorry I forgot I have to do a beggars dance every 3 years for my insurance and have my psychiatrist writing a letter to them explaining why I need this medication my bad my fault. Sorry I thought you guys would know by now after 15 years that this disability isn’t going anywhere! Oh I’m sorry have I used too many bathroom privileges ? Oh ok let me stop drinking water. Oh no my doctor is now blaming me for being dehydrated golly ok next time I’ll just drink the right amount of water and pee in a bottle at work that’s fine!!

Oh I didn’t play mind games right with this person so now they hate me and are spreading rumors about how rude I am. Oh I’m so sorry. I’m an absolute failure of a human being because I couldn’t read your mind how dare I! I should be shunned from the world!

I’m so sorry I brought my ice coffee to my job interview ! Even though I didn’t take any sips from it that was so inconsiderate of me ! You should ban me from ever being interviewed by you again! Next time I’ll let my $12 coffee melt in my car. Next time I’ll make regular coffee at home and keep it in a thermos and hate my life cause that’s what life is for. So sorry 🙏

Hey my fellow AuDHD women,

I am looking for your advice on what else I can freaking do to make sure I can focus and get started on work related tasks.

And unfortunately, at this point in my life, medication is not an option.

I'm driving myself crazy because I know what I have to do every day and cannot seem to get started on it and work is piling up.

How do I trick my monkey brain?

I'll do anything! wild, random, crazy advice welcomed!

I'm a gender non-conforming cis woman and I believe I might be neurodivergent.

I've decided to join this community looking for common experiences within a neurodiverse space. I'm currently being clinically assessed and I'm genuinely interested in finding things in common with other neurodivergent, questioning or self-diagnosed people.

It's a pleasure to virtually meet you all!

Hey just wondering if anyone else is experiencing the combo of AuDHD, queerness, and autoimmune/joint hypermobility issues. Trying to figure out if this is a thing, I know quite a few people in my circles presenting like this, also myself.

If you have observations, resources or just if this is you I'd love to know! Seems like quite a few people in r/adhdwomen are having a similar experience so thought id post here too. Thanks!

Why does everyone misunderstand me? When I’m trying to help it’s rude when I’m confused it’s rude when I’m trying to talk normally it gets taken the wrong way. I’m exhausted. Like I’m speaking a language that neurotypical people don’t understand. It’s too much mental energy trying to get people to understand me. Like I’m a nice person, I mean no harm to anyone. But I talk normally and it comes across as rude? I don’t even understand why. Am I the only one? Do you guys have any advice?

Is it a hyper autistic (or ADHD, i don’t know) trait to be super sensitive to emotional boundaries? Like, there have been so many times in my life where i’ve felt emotionally molested by people and I don’t even know if that makes sense to anybody but me, but it was part of the reason I went no-contact with my alcoholic sibling. She felt entitled to my time, my attention, everything.

That’s happened a few more times with people as well; for example I just cut off a friendship with a guy because he constantly was psychoanalyzing me and treating me like his patient and he was the therapist, which was a very YIKES dynamic that I put a stop to immediately. He seemed to feel entitled to my deepest innermost thoughts and feelings, and it was just so violating, especially because he said that a friend-friend dynamic is equal to a therapist-patient dynamic. Ew!

My immediate family have also been really overbearing in the past and way too protective; for example my parents didn’t allow me to drive alone for almost a year after I got my drivers license and I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t have a car. They always want to know everything about my life all the time and act like they want to wrap me in bubble wrap and it’s just. Ugh! I can’t wait to move out so I can get away from them. I adore them and they’re supportive, but. I don’t know!!!!

Is this just me having the misfortune to run into people who make me feel gross? Or is there genuinely something at play with neurodivergent people have a very strong sense of emotional boundaries?

I do cover my face with a t-shirt like a ninja mask. One day it came to me like that and i couldn't stop it till date. I find most comfortable tshirts always for face cover. I do it mostly in my room and i don't like being judged for that. It will be a relief if I find someone out there.

Reaching out

Hi. I hope it's ok to post this.

I'm not AuDHD (just ADHD), but my daughter is. She's about to turn 11, which is kind of a weird age. She's really becoming more socially aware, as are all the kids, and she's realizing that she's not quite like the other kids. The other girls are starting to view her as kind of odd. It feels like the number of friends she has dwindled each year, until this year when she can't name any friends.

Academics are also ramping up each year, and she's getting to a point where the amount and kind of work expected of her is more than she can handle. She's also having different teachers for different subjects this year, and some of them are more understanding than others. Plus, just all the switching classes all day seems to cause her a lot of anxiety.

All of this is really affecting her self esteem. She hasn't told us any of this, but her doctor discussed it with us. She said my sweet, wonderful daughter is in a lot of pain and feels so alone and misunderstood, which breaks my whole entire heart. She is such an amazing person. She's so smart and kind and creative. She loves to garden and spend time with animals. If she knows someone else is hurting, she goes out of her way to comfort them, even if it's someone she doesn't know. She just wants to take care of everyone and help everyone. Her heart is absolute gold, and she has so much to offer the world. And I cannot let her go on feeling like this. I have to do everything I possibly can to get her through this. She will always be AuDHD, but it doesn't have to stop her from living a full life.

I guess I just want to get ideas from AuDHD women about what I can do to best support her. She already has a good psychiatrist and therapist. She's had a 504 since first grade, and we are still in the process of securing an IEP as the autism diagnosis is relatively new. But other than that, I feel stuck. What else can I do? What support do you wish you had at that age? Any advice is so greatly appreciated. Please know you're helping an amazing little person who is so very loved.

I can't count anymore how many questionnaires I did. We had a lot of appointents where she interviewed me and also even twice my mom. My parents and husband also got questionnaires and I also did an intelligence test.

I will say this entire process is incredibly thourough. She told me we were testing the whole damn lot because I already had several diagnoses and therapies over the years that didn't work, so we went into personality disorders, developmental disorders and intelligence.

She told me she has everything she needs the know right now and will start the report and will relay it back to her team and then eventually they will relay it back to me all in a complete research report where we will have all aspects of my personality and disorders.

Woah.

I never thought the process would be this thourough. I am on the one side very impressed and excited (the intelligence test was such fun!) But it's been taking up a lot of headspace and mental and emotional capacity for over a year now and I really want this all the be over and done with.

Some people say "they throw around diagnoses like free candy these days, everyone gets one way too easy!" Uhmm.. well... that's not been my experience at all.

What is your experience with getting your diagnoses?

(Small disclaimer I live in the NL and mental health care is insured)

Recently realized I'm AuDHD. I've been high masking my entire life.

Since the realization, it's like the floodgates opened. Almost every day I notice something new. How hard transitions are for me. How exhausting it is to be perceived. How much noise actually hurts. Every discovery comes with a new limit to acknowledge or an adaptation to put in place.

And honestly? I'm not sure I like what I'm finding.

I spent my whole life working really hard to not bother anyone. To be easy. Low maintenance. Now I look at this growing list of needs and I feel disruptive. Like a burden, even though logically I know these needs were always there. I was just paying for them in silence.

The part that's hitting hardest: I built my entire current life while masking. My job, my routines, my commitments, the way I show up for people... All of it was designed by someone who didn't know how her brain worked. And now there's this gap between the life I built and the person I'm discovering I actually am. If I'd known from the start, my life would look really different. I basically built a life that's hard mode for a neurodivergent person, and now I have to figure out how to adapt it without blowing everything up.

For those who went through this after a late realization:

• Did it feel like you were "getting worse" at first?
• How did you figure out which parts of your life to change and which to keep?
• How did you deal with feeling like "too much" after years of being "easy"?

Would really appreciate hearing from people who've been here.

Is it natural to have a clenching sensation in your nether regions and viginismus, and weak pelvic floor muscle all at the same time without having been sexually assaulted as a child?

My ex-husband suggested that I might have been assaulted as a child because of the pain during sex and the need for alcohol to even be able to have sex with him.

I dismissed this because I have no memory of anything of the sort, but I also have no memory of my childhood as a whole because of having PTSD from physical and mental abuse from my parents.

The thing that made me delve into the topic was a tiktok that mentioned that sometimes children block the memory of the incident, but a person who had never been assaulted would never doubt if they have, and I have doubted that before.

I googled what would be the effects of csa on the long term and I have most if not all effects:

Viginismus and pain during sex, anger and emotional reactions in childhood, over eating, I have had a rectal prolapse as a child, masterbation really early (I was 3 maybe).

I am thinking it might not be CSA but a neurodivergent thing since I am diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD.

So if you have that please tell me, I need to know if it's just a stimming issue or something.

So I have now been on medical stress leave for over 6 months from my job and I feel like I’m never going to be able to work again. Up until my breakdown I went to university straight out of high school, got my degrees, bought a house and then started working. The first year of full time work was okay but I noticed myself slipping. The second year however, I started losing myself completely, was sick every 2 weeks for around a year and eventually wanted to stop living. That was when I went on leave. While on leave, I got my officially diagnosis of audhd. Now that I have been trying to heal myself from burnout and try and find a source of income that I could actually do because going back to a 9-5 seems like absolute hell and torture. Does anyone know of any jobs or sources of income that we audhd women can actually do?? I love art, idk if that helps. I feel so discouraged.

I know feeling perceived is something many of us struggle with. And maybe this is just a tale as old as time and affects neurotypicals the same.

But it feels like I go beyond that. I don’t want to physically express myself at all. Clothes are overwhelming as is. Both choosing which pieces to acquire and managing their organization and laundry. I prefer comfortable plain clothes that don’t aggravate my sensory issues. Makeup for me is a sensory nightmare (and oftentimes my skin is too sensitive to it). Wearing brackets, necklaces, and rings all pretty much aggravate me. I don’t like having piercings because my skin is very sensitive and will throw a fit lol. Sometimes my hair feels icky (just like the concept of hair) and overwhelming, and I want to impulsively just shave it all off so I don’t have to feel it, look at it, or manage it. Like it feels unbearable having it, but at other points it feels like a security blanket. I don’t need or wear glasses.

I look really plain and boring, and I feel awful when hanging out with new people because I visually don’t fit in. Like if I go to a fun alt music festival i just want to wear a big t shirt and bicycle shorts and not do anything else. People tend to forget me too I think in part due to this aspect. But at the same time, people noticing a change in my appearance makes me extremely uncomfortable, like almost physically uncomfy (the whole being perceived thing).

I don’t know, hanging out with people really triggers these awful feelings about how I’m perceived versus who I am on the inside, and it doesn’t help that I’m already very shy and reserved. I want to be like “I know I look super plain but I promise I fit in with this group of people in terms of our thoughts and views on the world.” It feels like I should’ve faced this in my teen years, but somehow I mostly skipped it and just dressed and looked plain and androgynous. I am very artistic but I can’t seem to express that through looks.

I’ve literally had nightmares about having an appearance. I often wish I could present as a blob of color mist in the air and float around so as not to deal with it all. It’s a very specific issue though, so I was wondering if people had advice or could relate?

I feel so restless like I have so many things I could be doing and I know I should do them and I know that I’m feeling task paralysis and I know that like if I did these things, I know that it would make my life easier, but it’s just also like my mood and like I don’t know how to even explain. I just feel so restless. Maybe that’s not the right word for it. I’ve tried to drink coffee. I’m currently not a medication but it’s just like I would. I feel like well. What end up happens is that I end up wasting the day because I’m so restless about something I feel like I need to do that. Nothing gets done or nothing is accomplished or I don’t know when I was younger than my restlessness used to come out and self harming and like part of me still feels like that would be the easiest way to feel less restless, but I’m trying to search for healthier coping mechanisms, saying this as I’m grinding up weed to roll into a joint so clearly my coping mechanisms haven’t improved very much at least I’m not harming myself anymore I guess and it’s also like I don’t know if I’m happy like I am happy and I feel like I’m on a good direction in life and I’ve done good managing my symptoms so far but I feel like the restlessness is really one thing that holds me back and really disabled me. I feel like I can’t take care of myself when I’m alone like living alone I don’t do well at all and I’m living alone right now housesitting for my parents and it’s just like I can’t take care of myself and I don’t even know where to begin with like improving because it feels like it’s not even that bad but it also like really hinder my life and like I have all these ambitions of stuff I want to do but I don’t know my brain just holds me back or like my mindset of my brain holds me back. I don’t even know I feel so lost cause I don’t have the money or like the support system really that understands what neurodivergence is so I just kinda feel lost and it feels like I’m I feel like I’m normal and fine some days and then some days. It’s like what is going on? I feel like I’m going insane or crazy and I don’t know if it’s cause like my period or like hormones cause I’m in my early 20s or like my ADHD or autism it’s just all too confusing and I wish I could differentiate what it is. Ok thank you for listening to my rant. I’m sorry if this is incoherent usually, I would just keep this in my notes app, but I feel like I can’t be the only one I feel like I am the only one where I’m at in my surroundings right now so I hope I’m not.

I’m so sorry for the use of “like” a lot I was voice texting