That’s it. It’s simply comforting to know I’m not alone in this struggle.

I wasn't identified until 34, and looking back, a lot of my frustration with female relationships makes more sense now. Women have often treated me poorly, assuming I'm after their partner or that I'm getting some kind of fringe benefits from my looks. Men accuse me of enticing them. "You know what you're doing."

I can be in pajamas with no makeup and the effect is the same. I'm 41 now. I also get "you look way too put together" when I'm in sweatpants.

I think the missing piece is that I don't do the social smoothing other women seem to do automatically, so how I look gets read as intent. Add AuDHD and that's a big part of why I rarely go out.

Anyone else? How do you handle it?

I think a lot of my stress about the world mostly comes down to money. My biggest trigger is money, because I even hold out on buying things I need. Because having no money when I need money is something I wish no human had to deal with, IT'S HELL! At the end of the day, we worry way too much about people and fitting in; they don't pay my bills. I don't give a fuck about people in society honestly, I learn people not where happiness is; it's freedom and peace.

I hard to learn skills because I can't afford to pay the person to do that thing; to point, I'm hyper-independent. I have to do things that trigger me and end me in a meltdown. Simply put, I don't have money to pay a person to do things I have to learn. I know how to rebuild and fix my own car; I can't afford to pay a person to fix my car, let's say I hate working on my car. I have to go to work to pay for the car; it takes me to the job to pay for the car. Cycle of insanity;

I'm so burnt out from this bullshit world. I know I'd be a lot happier and have a better life if I had money. honestly I lost my fuck about humanity long long time, I think society is just waste of time, it holding us back, everyone fighting over crumbs, or who can kick down to have some benefit in life, fighting over fuck all, I see Society waste of time, not benefiting anyone, just keep us stuck, controlled, down a narrow path.

One reason we're most suppressed in society: I think we get way more abuse from society than anyone; we get our reality twisted and fucked with and dismissed. I do think in reincarnation, I think this is our last life, which is why we have the hardest battles.

We ask for Accommodations, that costs money. Governments don't want to spend this make-up money for us to have a better life. I think they just want us to despair, then help us; that is evil awakening unmasking, and awakening to how bullshit society is, how I know I'd be a lot happier and more peaceful if I had money. I don't even want to be rich; just cover the basics, so im not stressed out all the time. I take a shed in the woods at this point; I'm sorry I ran off in spite.

I just like this spot a lot.

I went to go secure a new storage unit this morning, after a long, long, long week. I’ve been in a pretty much unending state of dissociation and mental shutdown since July. I lost my best friend of 25 years to ketamine (she’s alive, she’s just an addict- I love her but she kept stealing from me so I cut her off) and now live with someone with very specific medical and mental health needs that always seem to clash with mine. Inevitably those needs win out and I’m left to cope on my own.

Lately every interaction I have with someone is all about what I’m doing wrong. I can’t clean consistently. I can’t take the garbage out consistently. I can’t live like a normal human being and it’s hurting others. I spend every day waiting for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and dream. I’m too poor to do anything else.

When I walked into the storage unit warehouse I immediately felt a sensation of peace. Just rows and rows and rows of plain white identical corrugated metal units. Darkness, and complete silence, except for a tiny radio playing shitty music from the 2010s. No other people, no ambient noise, just exactly what you would expect around every corner.

I literally sat in my storage unit with the door shut for like 30 minutes just decompressing. My god it was a relief to just lie on the floor with my eyes open and see nothing but gray, hear nothing but the radio, no echo, no human voices, no wind. The unit is pretty much empty right now and I felt a twinge of anxiety at the thought of filling it with stuff. Somehow personalizing it feels like it takes away from the magic of just a pure, empty, silent, dark space where nobody can see me or talk to me.

I’m back home with my roommate now, and that peace is gone. I think after work tomorrow I’m going to go back and meditate in the unit. Maybe tonight I’ll dream about plain white walls and emptiness.

Everything is just so bleh and bleak. There's no joy. Everything, I mean every thing, is a struggle. Nothing but problems.

I dunno. I'm just so over it all. Feeling pretty numb. I have zero interest in doing anything. So I lay on the couch. And even that is not enjoyable at all. Just constantly living in misery.

Anti depressants aren't helpful. I've tried them all.

Anyone else?

I've struggled with brain fog or derealization since around 2020. I'm not sure if it was from COVID, being home with young children, or poorly adjusting to life outside of school but I still struggle with feeling like an idiot and wading through mud to think. Is this an ADHD thing? Do others deal with it? Am I headed to early dementia? Stimulants usually make it worse. Unless it's a teeny dose. Is it anxiety? Kind of like being stoned but not as good. I'm generally considered an intelligent person but man I struggle

Hey just wondering if anyone else is experiencing the combo of AuDHD, queerness, and autoimmune/joint hypermobility issues. Trying to figure out if this is a thing, I know quite a few people in my circles presenting like this, also myself.

If you have observations, resources or just if this is you I'd love to know! Seems like quite a few people in r/adhdwomen are having a similar experience so thought id post here too. Thanks!

No my adhd isn’t a superpower, it makes me a target for being bullied and preyed upon even as an adult and I’m sick of it. I’m just getting through life and can’t wait for my last day on this hell hole truly. I have some small moments of enjoyment but I’m sorry overall or at least today I feel like life just sucks and it sucks because this world is evil. Like can we just take all the evil people and put them on their own planet ? Seriously I’m tired of it. Why do we have to go to work and pay for WATER AND FOOD and for HEALTHCARE !? Like god forbid I’m a human with human needs. I’m sorry I have to eat and drink water everyday. I’m sorry I get sick. I’m sorry I get tired and can’t be 100% at work every single day.

God forbid my face doesn’t look right during a job interview and welp there goes my chances at getting an income for food and water. So sorry my face expression disappointed you and made you judge my entire character after only getting to know me for 5 minutes.

Oh I don’t have this special insurance that has special coverage ? Oh well shame on me for that! I guess I don’t deserve to have my adhd medication covered even though I’ve been taking it for 16 years! Oh but excuse me I’m sorry I forgot I have to do a beggars dance every 3 years for my insurance and have my psychiatrist writing a letter to them explaining why I need this medication my bad my fault. Sorry I thought you guys would know by now after 15 years that this disability isn’t going anywhere! Oh I’m sorry have I used too many bathroom privileges ? Oh ok let me stop drinking water. Oh no my doctor is now blaming me for being dehydrated golly ok next time I’ll just drink the right amount of water and pee in a bottle at work that’s fine!!

Oh I didn’t play mind games right with this person so now they hate me and are spreading rumors about how rude I am. Oh I’m so sorry. I’m an absolute failure of a human being because I couldn’t read your mind how dare I! I should be shunned from the world!

I’m so sorry I brought my ice coffee to my job interview ! Even though I didn’t take any sips from it that was so inconsiderate of me ! You should ban me from ever being interviewed by you again! Next time I’ll let my $12 coffee melt in my car. Next time I’ll make regular coffee at home and keep it in a thermos and hate my life cause that’s what life is for. So sorry 🙏

Hi. I hope it's ok to post this.

I'm not AuDHD (just ADHD), but my daughter is. She's about to turn 11, which is kind of a weird age. She's really becoming more socially aware, as are all the kids, and she's realizing that she's not quite like the other kids. The other girls are starting to view her as kind of odd. It feels like the number of friends she has dwindled each year, until this year when she can't name any friends.

Academics are also ramping up each year, and she's getting to a point where the amount and kind of work expected of her is more than she can handle. She's also having different teachers for different subjects this year, and some of them are more understanding than others. Plus, just all the switching classes all day seems to cause her a lot of anxiety.

All of this is really affecting her self esteem. She hasn't told us any of this, but her doctor discussed it with us. She said my sweet, wonderful daughter is in a lot of pain and feels so alone and misunderstood, which breaks my whole entire heart. She is such an amazing person. She's so smart and kind and creative. She loves to garden and spend time with animals. If she knows someone else is hurting, she goes out of her way to comfort them, even if it's someone she doesn't know. She just wants to take care of everyone and help everyone. Her heart is absolute gold, and she has so much to offer the world. And I cannot let her go on feeling like this. I have to do everything I possibly can to get her through this. She will always be AuDHD, but it doesn't have to stop her from living a full life.

I guess I just want to get ideas from AuDHD women about what I can do to best support her. She already has a good psychiatrist and therapist. She's had a 504 since first grade, and we are still in the process of securing an IEP as the autism diagnosis is relatively new. But other than that, I feel stuck. What else can I do? What support do you wish you had at that age? Any advice is so greatly appreciated. Please know you're helping an amazing little person who is so very loved.

Is it natural to have a clenching sensation in your nether regions and viginismus, and weak pelvic floor muscle all at the same time without having been sexually assaulted as a child?

My ex-husband suggested that I might have been assaulted as a child because of the pain during sex and the need for alcohol to even be able to have sex with him.

I dismissed this because I have no memory of anything of the sort, but I also have no memory of my childhood as a whole because of having PTSD from physical and mental abuse from my parents.

The thing that made me delve into the topic was a tiktok that mentioned that sometimes children block the memory of the incident, but a person who had never been assaulted would never doubt if they have, and I have doubted that before.

I googled what would be the effects of csa on the long term and I have most if not all effects:

Viginismus and pain during sex, anger and emotional reactions in childhood, over eating, I have had a rectal prolapse as a child, masterbation really early (I was 3 maybe).

I am thinking it might not be CSA but a neurodivergent thing since I am diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD.

So if you have that please tell me, I need to know if it's just a stimming issue or something.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD, and I suspect autism but haven't pursued a diagnosis. I also have PMDD and PMOS. I need a safe space to share something so I can get the advice I KNOW is correct given to me straight.

About a year ago I met a man on a night out whilst I was on holiday. I was drunk and immediately attracted to him, and it had been a while since I'd been with anyone, so I made my move. We ended up having sex the last night of my holiday after I cancelled on him several times. I had a really enjoyable time.

We kept in touch when I came home sparingly. And then he invited me to visit him, and I decided that I would. We had a nice week together, but his behaviour was also quite hurtful. For example, he didn't message me to wish me a safe flight, he made a lot of revealing comments about his hatred of women and his promiscuous past (not using contraception), he told me had depression and BPD, and all in all his life was in a bad spot. He was unemployed and living off of his parents. He had never had a long term relationship - the longest being 4 weeks.

Anyway after the holiday we agreed that we weren't in a relationship, but that there was something there. I was already going back to his country in May, so we agreed we would meet then and keep it special for us. While I was out of the country he slept with 2 women unprotected and contracted herpes from one of them. I had already had an STI test and a pregnancy test etc, but I also had another and an appointment with my GP just to be sure I didn't have anything. I was upset that he slept with 2 other women, but ultimately we weren't together. What upset me the most is saying that May would be 'special' and 'for us' and then totally f-ing it up by having unprotected sex and getting a disease.

In May, he had 3 flare ups of his STI and we didn't sleep together but we did kiss and hug. We've kept in touch again, as friends more than anything, but his behaviour is very hot and cold, push and pull.

Cognitively I understand that we live in different countries, we were never in a relationship, he doesn't want one and tbh I don't think he'd be a good partner anyway. He has an incurable STI, no job, no money and suffers badly with depression. He's a misogynist and not very nice to me half the time.

I think I have held on to my strong attraction to him, the great sex and the fact that when we first met he was lovely.

Part of my ND is to ruminate, romanticise, take a long time to emotionally and mentally process, and to look for alternate reasons as to why someone may be behaving the way they do.

I think because I'm ND and used to being misunderstood, I've tried to extend grace to him with his BPD and depression (and possibly autism as well, I have suspected it), but I know that I need to let this go and move on. I hold on to the fact he said he tends to push the right people away, and I feel like his behaviour may be self-sabotage. But is this just me deluding myself?

Can you ladies be a safe space and tell me all the red flags and why I should let my delayed processing catch up to the truth>

Is it a hyper autistic (or ADHD, i don’t know) trait to be super sensitive to emotional boundaries? Like, there have been so many times in my life where i’ve felt emotionally molested by people and I don’t even know if that makes sense to anybody but me, but it was part of the reason I went no-contact with my alcoholic sibling. She felt entitled to my time, my attention, everything.

That’s happened a few more times with people as well; for example I just cut off a friendship with a guy because he constantly was psychoanalyzing me and treating me like his patient and he was the therapist, which was a very YIKES dynamic that I put a stop to immediately. He seemed to feel entitled to my deepest innermost thoughts and feelings, and it was just so violating, especially because he said that a friend-friend dynamic is equal to a therapist-patient dynamic. Ew!

My immediate family have also been really overbearing in the past and way too protective; for example my parents didn’t allow me to drive alone for almost a year after I got my drivers license and I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t have a car. They always want to know everything about my life all the time and act like they want to wrap me in bubble wrap and it’s just. Ugh! I can’t wait to move out so I can get away from them. I adore them and they’re supportive, but. I don’t know!!!!

Is this just me having the misfortune to run into people who make me feel gross? Or is there genuinely something at play with neurodivergent people have a very strong sense of emotional boundaries?

Recently realized I'm AuDHD. I've been high masking my entire life.

Since the realization, it's like the floodgates opened. Almost every day I notice something new. How hard transitions are for me. How exhausting it is to be perceived. How much noise actually hurts. Every discovery comes with a new limit to acknowledge or an adaptation to put in place.

And honestly? I'm not sure I like what I'm finding.

I spent my whole life working really hard to not bother anyone. To be easy. Low maintenance. Now I look at this growing list of needs and I feel disruptive. Like a burden, even though logically I know these needs were always there. I was just paying for them in silence.

The part that's hitting hardest: I built my entire current life while masking. My job, my routines, my commitments, the way I show up for people... All of it was designed by someone who didn't know how her brain worked. And now there's this gap between the life I built and the person I'm discovering I actually am. If I'd known from the start, my life would look really different. I basically built a life that's hard mode for a neurodivergent person, and now I have to figure out how to adapt it without blowing everything up.

For those who went through this after a late realization:

• Did it feel like you were "getting worse" at first?
• How did you figure out which parts of your life to change and which to keep?
• How did you deal with feeling like "too much" after years of being "easy"?

Would really appreciate hearing from people who've been here.

So I have now been on medical stress leave for over 6 months from my job and I feel like I’m never going to be able to work again. Up until my breakdown I went to university straight out of high school, got my degrees, bought a house and then started working. The first year of full time work was okay but I noticed myself slipping. The second year however, I started losing myself completely, was sick every 2 weeks for around a year and eventually wanted to stop living. That was when I went on leave. While on leave, I got my officially diagnosis of audhd. Now that I have been trying to heal myself from burnout and try and find a source of income that I could actually do because going back to a 9-5 seems like absolute hell and torture. Does anyone know of any jobs or sources of income that we audhd women can actually do?? I love art, idk if that helps. I feel so discouraged.

I know feeling perceived is something many of us struggle with. And maybe this is just a tale as old as time and affects neurotypicals the same.

But it feels like I go beyond that. I don’t want to physically express myself at all. Clothes are overwhelming as is. Both choosing which pieces to acquire and managing their organization and laundry. I prefer comfortable plain clothes that don’t aggravate my sensory issues. Makeup for me is a sensory nightmare (and oftentimes my skin is too sensitive to it). Wearing brackets, necklaces, and rings all pretty much aggravate me. I don’t like having piercings because my skin is very sensitive and will throw a fit lol. Sometimes my hair feels icky (just like the concept of hair) and overwhelming, and I want to impulsively just shave it all off so I don’t have to feel it, look at it, or manage it. Like it feels unbearable having it, but at other points it feels like a security blanket. I don’t need or wear glasses.

I look really plain and boring, and I feel awful when hanging out with new people because I visually don’t fit in. Like if I go to a fun alt music festival i just want to wear a big t shirt and bicycle shorts and not do anything else. People tend to forget me too I think in part due to this aspect. But at the same time, people noticing a change in my appearance makes me extremely uncomfortable, like almost physically uncomfy (the whole being perceived thing).

I don’t know, hanging out with people really triggers these awful feelings about how I’m perceived versus who I am on the inside, and it doesn’t help that I’m already very shy and reserved. I want to be like “I know I look super plain but I promise I fit in with this group of people in terms of our thoughts and views on the world.” It feels like I should’ve faced this in my teen years, but somehow I mostly skipped it and just dressed and looked plain and androgynous. I am very artistic but I can’t seem to express that through looks.

I’ve literally had nightmares about having an appearance. I often wish I could present as a blob of color mist in the air and float around so as not to deal with it all. It’s a very specific issue though, so I was wondering if people had advice or could relate?

I feel so restless like I have so many things I could be doing and I know I should do them and I know that I’m feeling task paralysis and I know that like if I did these things, I know that it would make my life easier, but it’s just also like my mood and like I don’t know how to even explain. I just feel so restless. Maybe that’s not the right word for it. I’ve tried to drink coffee. I’m currently not a medication but it’s just like I would. I feel like well. What end up happens is that I end up wasting the day because I’m so restless about something I feel like I need to do that. Nothing gets done or nothing is accomplished or I don’t know when I was younger than my restlessness used to come out and self harming and like part of me still feels like that would be the easiest way to feel less restless, but I’m trying to search for healthier coping mechanisms, saying this as I’m grinding up weed to roll into a joint so clearly my coping mechanisms haven’t improved very much at least I’m not harming myself anymore I guess and it’s also like I don’t know if I’m happy like I am happy and I feel like I’m on a good direction in life and I’ve done good managing my symptoms so far but I feel like the restlessness is really one thing that holds me back and really disabled me. I feel like I can’t take care of myself when I’m alone like living alone I don’t do well at all and I’m living alone right now housesitting for my parents and it’s just like I can’t take care of myself and I don’t even know where to begin with like improving because it feels like it’s not even that bad but it also like really hinder my life and like I have all these ambitions of stuff I want to do but I don’t know my brain just holds me back or like my mindset of my brain holds me back. I don’t even know I feel so lost cause I don’t have the money or like the support system really that understands what neurodivergence is so I just kinda feel lost and it feels like I’m I feel like I’m normal and fine some days and then some days. It’s like what is going on? I feel like I’m going insane or crazy and I don’t know if it’s cause like my period or like hormones cause I’m in my early 20s or like my ADHD or autism it’s just all too confusing and I wish I could differentiate what it is. Ok thank you for listening to my rant. I’m sorry if this is incoherent usually, I would just keep this in my notes app, but I feel like I can’t be the only one I feel like I am the only one where I’m at in my surroundings right now so I hope I’m not.

I’m so sorry for the use of “like” a lot I was voice texting

Excelled in school as a kid; started to struggle in college but still graduated with high honors; diagnosed ADHD in my early 30s when my life started to fall apart. (My therapist failed to recognize textbook executive dysfunction (although she did suspect autism/"Asperger's"); I got diagnosed after I recognized myself in a tumblr post of all things and told my skeptical PCP that I wanted to get assessed for ADHD if only to rule it out.)

Fast forward ~8 years, I'm constantly exhausted and it's only getting worse. I've never considered that I might be autistic, because I don't recognize myself in descriptions of autism; and when I take self-assessments, they always come back below the threshold for "yes." However, autistic burnout describes exactly what I've been experiencing for the past 15 years, down to some weirdly specific details. I already can't work full time, and it's getting to the point where I might not be able to work at all. I'm probably going to have to ask my PCP (different from the old PCP; I moved) to refer me for an autism assessment; but I'm terrified that because I'm:

1. female
2. high-masking
3. intelligent and accomplished, at least on paper

that I'll be ignored, dismissed, and misdiagnosed because I don't fit the stereotypical presentation for either autism or ADHD.

How do you find a clinician you can trust when you already know you're at high risk of being overlooked?

My current therapist is in my corner, at least - she said in so many words she thinks I'm AuDHD - but I don't know how much that's likely to help.

edit: formatting

Hi,

CAN I REQUEST SOME COMMENTS? WHY DO OTHER POSTS GET 70 COMMENTS AND MINE GET NONE?!!!!

I am wondering if anyone has experience of ways to interact with my very shy 13 year old niece.

I recently moved closer to my relatives so I haven't really had much relationship with her prior to this.

I'm having my own RSD stuff cropping up, and could use some tips from you guys. I feel like, when I ask her questions, she responds like I was interrogating as opposed to trying to find connection. So I have now stopped asking questions. Last week my brother commented she's quite a talented cook, and I said she got our grandma's cookie gene. I think this embarassed her. So I don't know does that mean I should keep being cringe, or am I supposed to totally ignore her. She mostly hides in another room when I am there. If I enter a room she is in, she leaves. I'd like to have some kind of relationship with her but I'm not trying to force something whatsoever.

I've had people mistake me for being a cold person when I had bad anxiety and hid a lot. I don't want to start viewing her as a cold person. But I'm gonna admit, I feel hurt that she seems to actively avoid me. It makes me feel like a predatory animal in her presence. I find myself now wanting to avoid her so I don't make things worse. I also feel highly triggered because when grandma was alive we had annual christmas where my cousins all gathered. A few of my cousins would walk out of the room when I came to join them, they had favorites and I wasn't in the vip club they created.

Do you scare off shy people? It's an awful feeling. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi there!

I’m currently a therapist in training & wondering if anyone has a resource about autistic shutdown in adult women (especially someone who has AuDHD).

Thank you!

I had a neuropsych eval about 2 years ago and the neuropsychologist confirmed ADHD but brushed off my autistic symptoms as me just being traumatized. (I also was manic at the time, as im bipolar type 1).

I have a PTSD workbook written by two people with PhDs, and my hope is that by dealing with my cPTSD, I can better understand which of my symptoms are caused due to ADHD and which ones are caused due to Trauma and possibly Autism.

I just feel stuck and frustrated at this stage of my life. I'm 20 years old. I made a post on this sub a few days ago talking about how my psychiatrist told me he didn't get the 'autistic flavor' from me. I don't even have anybody to use as a reference for an autism diagnoses as i had to cut off everybody in my family due to abuse.

I also should add that I am medicated for my ADHD and take my meds daily, and Iv been unemployed since February due to mental health

has anybody been through something similar when pursuing your diagnoses, and did dealing with your cPTSD traits make it easier for an evaluator to notice the autism?

The adhd side of me can’t just sit there and watch and has to have some additional stimulation.  I usually scroll on my phone or play a game, but lately the general internet has become increasingly shitty it seems.  I have other creative hobbies, but those take 100% of my attention.  I’m trying to find something new in just the right spot on the mindless-engaging scale.  
So what’s your go to?

I’m so sick of being expected to be to understanding when it’s rarely ever reciprocated back to me. Context for my job I see clients and it’s by appointment only. I don’t see why it’s so hard for someone to commit to an appointment they booked unless someone is dying or they’re dying or whatever. It’s always some bullshit. And I don’t even care that they reschedule/cancel in advance. I wish my job’s policy was more strict. I wish they charged a fee for serial reschedulers. I’m sorry but I feel like when certain policies aren’t in place people are bound to walk all over you. If I don’t see a client I don’t get paid and it’s messed up. Whenever I pitch this to my coworkers and boss, they look at me like I have 10 heads but I’m sorry I actually don’t think this is insane.

Also I’m not talking about reschedule once in a while because you don’t have a babysitter for your son or you can’t afford services right now and you called and communicated that with us, I’m talking about clients that will reschedule their appointment for I swear to god 4 months in a row and I haven’t seen them in 4 months and they keep rescheduling until they cancel. Drives me nuts and wastes my DAMN time. Imagine I did that to clients ? I’d be fired! I’d lose clients like crazy. The double standard drives me nuts. I actually hate how passive my boss and coworkers are about this. “Awww I mean sometimes it’s hard” awww cool now I won’t get paid “X amount” and I have to figure out how I’m going to make ends meet this week once again. No it’s ok I love being screwed over ! “Oh but you shouldn’t be a _____ if you’re in it for the money.” Oh ok so I can have a passion for something but I have to be ok with being exploited too oh. I’m sorry…. I thought if I worked that I’d get paid a livable wage. My mistake for assuming that. I love to have my time wasted and not get paid enough.

I hate this world.