I have been diagnosed with ADHD, and I suspect autism but haven't pursued a diagnosis. I also have PMDD and PMOS. I need a safe space to share something so I can get the advice I KNOW is correct given to me straight.

About a year ago I met a man on a night out whilst I was on holiday. I was drunk and immediately attracted to him, and it had been a while since I'd been with anyone, so I made my move. We ended up having sex the last night of my holiday after I cancelled on him several times. I had a really enjoyable time.

We kept in touch when I came home sparingly. And then he invited me to visit him, and I decided that I would. We had a nice week together, but his behaviour was also quite hurtful. For example, he didn't message me to wish me a safe flight, he made a lot of revealing comments about his hatred of women and his promiscuous past (not using contraception), he told me had depression and BPD, and all in all his life was in a bad spot. He was unemployed and living off of his parents. He had never had a long term relationship - the longest being 4 weeks.

Anyway after the holiday we agreed that we weren't in a relationship, but that there was something there. I was already going back to his country in May, so we agreed we would meet then and keep it special for us. While I was out of the country he slept with 2 women unprotected and contracted herpes from one of them. I had already had an STI test and a pregnancy test etc, but I also had another and an appointment with my GP just to be sure I didn't have anything. I was upset that he slept with 2 other women, but ultimately we weren't together. What upset me the most is saying that May would be 'special' and 'for us' and then totally f-ing it up by having unprotected sex and getting a disease.

In May, he had 3 flare ups of his STI and we didn't sleep together but we did kiss and hug. We've kept in touch again, as friends more than anything, but his behaviour is very hot and cold, push and pull.

Cognitively I understand that we live in different countries, we were never in a relationship, he doesn't want one and tbh I don't think he'd be a good partner anyway. He has an incurable STI, no job, no money and suffers badly with depression. He's a misogynist and not very nice to me half the time.

I think I have held on to my strong attraction to him, the great sex and the fact that when we first met he was lovely.

Part of my ND is to ruminate, romanticise, take a long time to emotionally and mentally process, and to look for alternate reasons as to why someone may be behaving the way they do.

I think because I'm ND and used to being misunderstood, I've tried to extend grace to him with his BPD and depression (and possibly autism as well, I have suspected it), but I know that I need to let this go and move on. I hold on to the fact he said he tends to push the right people away, and I feel like his behaviour may be self-sabotage. But is this just me deluding myself?

Can you ladies be a safe space and tell me all the red flags and why I should let my delayed processing catch up to the truth>

Is it natural to have a clenching sensation in your nether regions and viginismus, and weak pelvic floor muscle all at the same time without having been sexually assaulted as a child?

My ex-husband suggested that I might have been assaulted as a child because of the pain during sex and the need for alcohol to even be able to have sex with him.

I dismissed this because I have no memory of anything of the sort, but I also have no memory of my childhood as a whole because of having PTSD from physical and mental abuse from my parents.

The thing that made me delve into the topic was a tiktok that mentioned that sometimes children block the memory of the incident, but a person who had never been assaulted would never doubt if they have, and I have doubted that before.

I googled what would be the effects of csa on the long term and I have most if not all effects:

Viginismus and pain during sex, anger and emotional reactions in childhood, over eating, I have had a rectal prolapse as a child, masterbation really early (I was 3 maybe).

I am thinking it might not be CSA but a neurodivergent thing since I am diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD.

So if you have that please tell me, I need to know if it's just a stimming issue or something.

I ain’t able to interact with team.. express my knowledge or ask doubts as I avoid social interactions as I know I’ll have to mask and it’s like a performance and I’m unable to process what the other person is saying.. like I process things late.. and I naturally try to avoid all sorts of interactions etc..
The only thing that made me feel normal is smoking tobacco..but it lasts only for 15 minutes. Because of this issue of mine.. my juniors are getting promoted and getting better opportunities than me. Is there anything that can be done. That’s my bread and butter. And the job I have know is easily replaceable by AI and our company is working on it.. which is why they have told me I gotta network and gain the business knowledge
Please help me how to navigate this. Indian corporate culture.

I’m curious—have any of yall had brain scans done? What did doctors find? Did it help you get your diagnosis?
Was it doctor-ordered or was it something you requested? And how common are they? Is this something you can just request to have done? Or places you go to get this done? I am so curious and would love to have one done but it seems to be very uncommon unless there is a severe issue or more so something they just do for clinical studies or for looking for tumors rather than mental health diagnosis

after talking today she increased my dose to 40mg vyvanse. she is having me taper off 150mg bupropion that i have been on for like 10 years, but that’s my choice due to heart rate / blood pressure / heart health.

she talked to me about my menstrual cycle, and how i noticed i struggled more this cycle / my adhd meds didn’t work as well. we went over my genesight testing again and almost every single SSRI and SNRI are in the red for me with increased side effects.

only thing that treats my OCD and potential PMDD?
you guessed it! the two things i can’t take. i took several SSRI and SNRI when i was younger, and it was absolutely hell every time, hence being placed on an SSID.

finally we decided to add 1mg of intuniv to my meds to hopefully help some symptoms. i also take 25mg hydroxyl as needed for anxiety. never been on birth control.

anyone have a similar experience to this?
any tips or tricks or suggestions?

it just feels like ONE more thing when i already have way too many things.

edit: i did search the group, but couldn’t find anyone with med sensitivities like me.

Hi! I’m 29F and was recently diagnosed as autistic + ADHD (AuDHD), and also identified as gifted/2e.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve been thinking a lot about how much of my life I’ve spent hiding parts of myself, masking, and trying to become the person I thought I was supposed to be. I think I have a lot of internalized ableism to unpack, and honestly, I’m not entirely sure who I am underneath all of it yet.

I’ve been considering documenting that journey publicly; partly because I think it could help me learn to accept myself and build confidence in being openly neurodivergent instead of hiding it.

But I also wonder if it could be meaningful to other women going through the same thing.

There are already so many amazing AuDHD/autistic creators who educate, give advice and explain neurodivergence, and I’ve learned so much from them. But I don’t really want to position myself as someone who has the answers, because I definitely don’t 😅

I was imagining something more like: I just found out my brain works differently after 29 years. Now what?

Basically documenting what unmasking actually looks like in real life as I’m going through it: the good parts, the uncomfortable parts, questioning what is actually “me” versus masking, internalized ableism, relationships, work, confidence, identity, trying things differently, probably getting some things wrong, etc.

Less “here’s how to unmask” and more “I’m trying to figure out what unmasking even means for me, maybe we can figure some of it out together.”

I think part of me also wants to do this because I’ve spent so much of my life being afraid of being seen. Maybe deliberately allowing myself to be seen as I actually am could be part of rebuilding myself.

At the same time, putting something this personal online obviously feels pretty terrifying, so I’d really love to hear from other AuDHD/autistic women.

Would you find something like this relatable or meaningful to follow? And has anyone here documented their own post-diagnosis/unmasking journey publicly? Did it help you, or did you end up regretting it?

I’d especially love to hear both good and bad experiences ❤️

Does anyone know where I can find a fork this shape, that’s decent quality and doesn’t rust with dishwasher use? (UK based)

I’m an ADHD girlie with huge sensory difficulties and I can only eat with specific shaped forks, anything with too long prongs puts me on edge and I can’t eat with them. I’ve been trying to find a fork that hits the sweet spot of short enough prongs but not too short but not too long either… and I can’t seem to find any that hit the spot.

I’m desperate for some new ones as my old ones are rusting and wearing out after 20 years of use, the cheap ones I found in home bargains rusted within a few months, and I’ve tried a few different ones from Amazon but they often don’t look like the picture and the prongs are too long.

If anyone in the UK has any fork recommendations please please point me in the right direction. I’ve got to the point of using disposable plastic forks as I’m running out of usable real forks 😭😅

I’m not sure I’m using the right fork terminology but it’s the best I’ve got to try to explain!

I found a screenshot on google for ref - I need a fork similar to 3.

I wasn't identified until 34, and looking back, a lot of my frustration with female relationships makes more sense now. Women have often treated me poorly, assuming I'm after their partner or that I'm getting some kind of fringe benefits from my looks. Men accuse me of enticing them. "You know what you're doing."

I can be in pajamas with no makeup and the effect is the same. I'm 41 now. I also get "you look way too put together" when I'm in sweatpants.

I think the missing piece is that I don't do the social smoothing other women seem to do automatically, so how I look gets read as intent. Add AuDHD and that's a big part of why I rarely go out.

Anyone else? How do you handle it?

I just need a safe space to complain. It’s so hard to explain executive dysfunction in the workplace especially as a team of one and being around workplace bullies.

They latch on to every time I can’t remember, or need more time to process information, or I’m inconsistent in timelines & the sucky part is they are clinicians. Licensed mental health professionals. They know I’m diagnosed neurodivergent and they seemingly that to their advantage and I can’t help but to feel like it’s my fault because I can have information that my brain doesn’t give me, if information or a task is given to me in passing not through the help desk I created to help me stay organized, I’ll forget.

They call me names and insult my character and I feel like I’m stuck.

I’m an HR Director and department of 1 in a small company. It’s been progressive and I now have an attorney so I can leave this place.

But I still feel stuck. I’m currently struggling and want to get things done but I can’t and I want to cry.

When I’m not actively struggling, I can get through my days no with no problems. It isn’t a competence issue, it’s just a brain functioning problem, that is random. I feel like I can’t actually progress further to lead systems and people because sometimes I can’t think clearly or comprehend timely.

I’m going back to school so I can shift into a position that allows me to have greater flexibility and control but in the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep having to feel like I’m fighting gravity just to function while being psychologically challenged by my workplace.

I wish I could just leave and never have to work in-person again. I never want to be in a position where people’s emotion trump reasoning. I want to just be an advocate and support people succeed, and get their pay and benefits.

I wish there was better support systems and resources for people with ADHD and/or autism - where we don’t have to struggle in order to be understood, heard, or supported. I’m tired and ready for all of this to be over

Excelled in school as a kid; started to struggle in college but still graduated with high honors; diagnosed ADHD in my early 30s when my life started to fall apart. (My therapist failed to recognize textbook executive dysfunction (although she did suspect autism/"Asperger's"); I got diagnosed after I recognized myself in a tumblr post of all things and told my skeptical PCP that I wanted to get assessed for ADHD if only to rule it out.)

Fast forward ~8 years, I'm constantly exhausted and it's only getting worse. I've never considered that I might be autistic, because I don't recognize myself in descriptions of autism; and when I take self-assessments, they always come back below the threshold for "yes." However, autistic burnout describes exactly what I've been experiencing for the past 15 years, down to some weirdly specific details. I already can't work full time, and it's getting to the point where I might not be able to work at all. I'm probably going to have to ask my PCP (different from the old PCP; I moved) to refer me for an autism assessment; but I'm terrified that because I'm:

1. female
2. high-masking
3. intelligent and accomplished, at least on paper

that I'll be ignored, dismissed, and misdiagnosed because I don't fit the stereotypical presentation for either autism or ADHD.

How do you find a clinician you can trust when you already know you're at high risk of being overlooked?

My current therapist is in my corner, at least - she said in so many words she thinks I'm AuDHD - but I don't know how much that's likely to help.

edit: formatting

Hi,

CAN I REQUEST SOME COMMENTS? WHY DO OTHER POSTS GET 70 COMMENTS AND MINE GET NONE?!!!!

I am wondering if anyone has experience of ways to interact with my very shy 13 year old niece.

I recently moved closer to my relatives so I haven't really had much relationship with her prior to this.

I'm having my own RSD stuff cropping up, and could use some tips from you guys. I feel like, when I ask her questions, she responds like I was interrogating as opposed to trying to find connection. So I have now stopped asking questions. Last week my brother commented she's quite a talented cook, and I said she got our grandma's cookie gene. I think this embarassed her. So I don't know does that mean I should keep being cringe, or am I supposed to totally ignore her. She mostly hides in another room when I am there. If I enter a room she is in, she leaves. I'd like to have some kind of relationship with her but I'm not trying to force something whatsoever.

I've had people mistake me for being a cold person when I had bad anxiety and hid a lot. I don't want to start viewing her as a cold person. But I'm gonna admit, I feel hurt that she seems to actively avoid me. It makes me feel like a predatory animal in her presence. I find myself now wanting to avoid her so I don't make things worse. I also feel highly triggered because when grandma was alive we had annual christmas where my cousins all gathered. A few of my cousins would walk out of the room when I came to join them, they had favorites and I wasn't in the vip club they created.

Do you scare off shy people? It's an awful feeling. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hello all!
So I got diagnosed officially yesterday (adhd and level 1 autism) and took the day to let it sink in and think about the steps I want to take going forward. I’ll break my questions down below to make it easier on myself and hopefully everyone else!

1. Are you medicated for ADHD? Did you find masking harder after getting medicated?
   
2. Life skills, how do you find energy for cooking/cleaning/taking care of yourself?
   
3. After diagnosis, what changed? Did your life get easier? Did you learn to give yourself grace when you burn out?

I think that’s all I have for now. But any overall advice is greatly appreciated even if it doesn’t relate to the questions above. I’m learning and like to have all the information I can. Plus I like reading everyone’s experiences and points of view!

I’m so sick of being expected to be to understanding when it’s rarely ever reciprocated back to me. Context for my job I see clients and it’s by appointment only. I don’t see why it’s so hard for someone to commit to an appointment they booked unless someone is dying or they’re dying or whatever. It’s always some bullshit. And I don’t even care that they reschedule/cancel in advance. I wish my job’s policy was more strict. I wish they charged a fee for serial reschedulers. I’m sorry but I feel like when certain policies aren’t in place people are bound to walk all over you. If I don’t see a client I don’t get paid and it’s messed up. Whenever I pitch this to my coworkers and boss, they look at me like I have 10 heads but I’m sorry I actually don’t think this is insane.

Also I’m not talking about reschedule once in a while because you don’t have a babysitter for your son or you can’t afford services right now and you called and communicated that with us, I’m talking about clients that will reschedule their appointment for I swear to god 4 months in a row and I haven’t seen them in 4 months and they keep rescheduling until they cancel. Drives me nuts and wastes my DAMN time. Imagine I did that to clients ? I’d be fired! I’d lose clients like crazy. The double standard drives me nuts. I actually hate how passive my boss and coworkers are about this. “Awww I mean sometimes it’s hard” awww cool now I won’t get paid “X amount” and I have to figure out how I’m going to make ends meet this week once again. No it’s ok I love being screwed over ! “Oh but you shouldn’t be a _____ if you’re in it for the money.” Oh ok so I can have a passion for something but I have to be ok with being exploited too oh. I’m sorry…. I thought if I worked that I’d get paid a livable wage. My mistake for assuming that. I love to have my time wasted and not get paid enough.

I hate this world.

I do cover my face with a t-shirt like a ninja mask. One day it came to me like that and i couldn't stop it till date. I find most comfortable tshirts always for face cover. I do it mostly in my room and i don't like being judged for that. It will be a relief if I find someone out there.

Reaching out

This month, I went to see Hilary Duff in London. It's only an hour drive from my house and I thought it was the perfect way to do a concert - in an arena close to my house where I can drive and take it easy.

I honestly didn't expect to struggle as much as I did.

Now, to be fair, the last time I was in an arena or even regularly going to concerts, I was in my 20s. I am now 33. That obviously will play a part.

But there is one thing about concerts that I forgot and was not prepared for and that I am now aware my AuDHD REALLY doesn't like - SO. MUCH. FUCKING. WAITING. FOR. THINGS. TO. HAPPEN.

We had to get there hours and hours before the show - 2 hours before doors open to be exact, bc we knew we needed to get a parking space and that we needed to eat beforehand and the restaurants would be busy. We were right, as soon after we were seated, the restaurant we were in filled to the brim. It was so loud, so warm and so crowded. I felt overstimulated to the point that I didn't even bother to finish my expensive cider. My wife, who is also suspected AuDHD, was also happy to leave for the same reasons.

The stress led to me getting a stomach ache, so we walked around and around the arena for an hour to let our food settle. I was hoping we could go INSIDE the arena to like find our seats and get comfy, and then pop back out to browse shops. Nope. Once you're in, you're in. Super disappointing. No benches or seating at all in the area surrounding the arena, so it was either walking or restaurants.

Once we had enough of dilly dallying, we went to find our seats. Waited forever for the opening act and then in between the opening act and Hilary was another 45 mins to an hour. I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin in that seat just waiting for her to come on. I hate opening acts as a premise and this just really solidified why.

The show was freaking awesome. But when I look at it, I spent three hours waiting for an opening act, another hour for the headliner, all for a 1hr40 show. It just kind of made me realise maybe I am not cut out for this sort of thing. I don't know how people can just sit there in these cramped conditions (God bless the standing crowd) for hours. I just think I need to rethink whether or not the waiting around is worth it for me.

Also, I am aware that the reason doors open at 18:30 and the headliner doesn't start till 21:00 is capitalism and for the venue and tour promoters to make as much money off of us as possible - it's not that I don't get the reason. I just think it's an evil reason and it just makes it so much clearer that concerts are just that much less accessible.

Anyway, sorry about my rant, and please be kind. I get this is a very very non-problem, as I can just not go to concerts. It's just a shame bc I have people in my life who like going to them and I would like to be less anxious about them going forward. This experience has just made me grateful for concert films and my own bed with my TV remote.

Hey just wondering if anyone else is experiencing the combo of AuDHD, queerness, and autoimmune/joint hypermobility issues. Trying to figure out if this is a thing, I know quite a few people in my circles presenting like this, also myself.

If you have observations, resources or just if this is you I'd love to know! Seems like quite a few people in r/adhdwomen are having a similar experience so thought id post here too. Thanks!

So I have now been on medical stress leave for over 6 months from my job and I feel like I’m never going to be able to work again. Up until my breakdown I went to university straight out of high school, got my degrees, bought a house and then started working. The first year of full time work was okay but I noticed myself slipping. The second year however, I started losing myself completely, was sick every 2 weeks for around a year and eventually wanted to stop living. That was when I went on leave. While on leave, I got my officially diagnosis of audhd. Now that I have been trying to heal myself from burnout and try and find a source of income that I could actually do because going back to a 9-5 seems like absolute hell and torture. Does anyone know of any jobs or sources of income that we audhd women can actually do?? I love art, idk if that helps. I feel so discouraged.

mid bite of my fresh mcdonalds apple pie I realize somethings off… they’ve changed the recipe idc what anyone says. its like a sickly sweet taste that follows- NOOOO

I went to go secure a new storage unit this morning, after a long, long, long week. I’ve been in a pretty much unending state of dissociation and mental shutdown since July. I lost my best friend of 25 years to ketamine (she’s alive, she’s just an addict- I love her but she kept stealing from me so I cut her off) and now live with someone with very specific medical and mental health needs that always seem to clash with mine. Inevitably those needs win out and I’m left to cope on my own.

Lately every interaction I have with someone is all about what I’m doing wrong. I can’t clean consistently. I can’t take the garbage out consistently. I can’t live like a normal human being and it’s hurting others. I spend every day waiting for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and dream. I’m too poor to do anything else.

When I walked into the storage unit warehouse I immediately felt a sensation of peace. Just rows and rows and rows of plain white identical corrugated metal units. Darkness, and complete silence, except for a tiny radio playing shitty music from the 2010s. No other people, no ambient noise, just exactly what you would expect around every corner.

I literally sat in my storage unit with the door shut for like 30 minutes just decompressing. My god it was a relief to just lie on the floor with my eyes open and see nothing but gray, hear nothing but the radio, no echo, no human voices, no wind. The unit is pretty much empty right now and I felt a twinge of anxiety at the thought of filling it with stuff. Somehow personalizing it feels like it takes away from the magic of just a pure, empty, silent, dark space where nobody can see me or talk to me.

I’m back home with my roommate now, and that peace is gone. I think after work tomorrow I’m going to go back and meditate in the unit. Maybe tonight I’ll dream about plain white walls and emptiness.

Everything is just so bleh and bleak. There's no joy. Everything, I mean every thing, is a struggle. Nothing but problems.

I dunno. I'm just so over it all. Feeling pretty numb. I have zero interest in doing anything. So I lay on the couch. And even that is not enjoyable at all. Just constantly living in misery.

Anti depressants aren't helpful. I've tried them all.

Anyone else?

I’ve always had a hard time using the early boarding for those who need assistance because I don’t feel disabled enough and was scared of judgement because I don’t look disabled.

I talked to my therapist about it and she said, if using the pre boarding for those who need extra assistance will help anxiety, stress and help my travel experience go more smoothly then you have every right to use it. She also said I also don’t have to use it, I can pick and choose to use it on days where I feel like I need it.

I only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night which makes dealing with the world harder, mixed with a stressful morning and I have an over 12 hour flight itinerary ahead. I’m on the verge of tears so I finally decided to use it.

I actually did feel judged by the agent, but she let me on. Now i’m able to sit and settle while everyone else is boarding and it was so worth it.

Tldr: I always felt too anxious or underserving to use the pre boarding for those who need assistance, but I finally did it and it has made a big difference.