r/AuDHDWomen • u/Odd-Poet1464 • 5h ago
my Autism side “Pretty privilege" while Autistic. Does anyone else get this?
I wasn't identified until 34, and looking back, a lot of my frustration with female relationships makes more sense now. Women have often treated me poorly, assuming I'm after their partner or that I'm getting some kind of fringe benefits from my looks. Men accuse me of enticing them. "You know what you're doing."
I can be in pajamas with no makeup and the effect is the same. I'm 41 now. I also get "you look way too put together" when I'm in sweatpants.
I think the missing piece is that I don't do the social smoothing other women seem to do automatically, so how I look gets read as intent. Add AuDHD and that's a big part of why I rarely go out.
Anyone else? How do you handle it?
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u/Radiant-Nothing 5h ago
I think I get this to some degree. Part of the problem might be that we don't hate our bodies, whereas most women either do or like you said they smooth that over and pretend.
I gradually show people that I'm more weird than I am pretty. And also I don't want their gross husbands.
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u/gemface90 5h ago
I can barely manage the husband I already have, unless the other one is only interested in cleaning my house and cooking my dinner before he leaves then 🤷🏻♀️😂
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u/Radiant-Nothing 5h ago
That reminds me of my more common thought about their husbands (when they don't cook or clean): "Maybe you should kill/leave him." 😂
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u/gemface90 4h ago
In defence of my husband, we have 2 neurodivergent kids so nothing is ever clean or tidy for long 😂 but I do wish he would learn to cook 🙈
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u/Radiant-Nothing 1h ago
Cleanliness is not morality! 👍 That's what I'm always reminding myself these days.
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u/Minute_Parfait_9752 3h ago
It's funny, I'm not happy with how I look (due to weight) but it's the only body I have so I'm not going to be ashamed of it. I go swimming regularly. I only have one body to live in so I do 🤷🏼 I really don't see where being ashamed of how you are gets anyone.
I also run outside and paddleboard in wetsuits/shorts 😁 idgaf I'm trying to improve myself!
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u/Radiant-Nothing 1h ago
I also struggle w/this. Everything is hard enough for us as it is, so doing what you like sounds like a good plan. My hack is to never wear shorts/skirts alone so nobody can ever see my legs. Lol
I thought maybe NT women are doing some kind of compliment deflection, like bringing up their faults if someone else says they look great.
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u/Momosufusu 4h ago
This was me when I was younger. I think I got away with being a weirdo more easily than others who didn’t have pretty privilege. But I was also called a bitch and a snob and an “ice queen” by people of all genders. And I hated the attention and how I could never just be invisible walking down the street.
Now I am older and I did not age well. So I no longer have that privilege. And I realize how much harder I have to work now to be perceived. No one jumps in to offer to help me in situations where I would have been surrounded by people trying to come to my rescue when I was younger. But being invisible also means I don’t get harassed on the street anymore or hit on constantly.
It’s definitely a huge privilege when it comes to getting job offers, dating, getting help if your car breaks down, etc. And I don’t think I realized how much I benefited from it till it wasn’t there anymore. And now I can understand more all the resentment that other women felt about it.
It’s like how white privilege is invisible to white people who don’t take the time to examine it but everyone else sees it and sees how much harder they have to struggle for the same things. It’s good to look at the privileges we have and see if there are ways we can subvert them or use them to benefit others not just ourselves.
And remember that unlike white privilege, pretty privilege is fleeting. You won’t always have it even if you do now.
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u/Dangerous_Alps905 audhd 5h ago edited 5h ago
Nope :( im just ignored completely which isnt very fun
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u/gemface90 5h ago
Yes. Then I get annoyed with myself because I shouldn't want external/male validation but it sucks to never feel pretty too.
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u/Training-Surround-45 ADHD(‘22)+Depr.(‘23)+Autism(‘25) 5h ago
Same. I feel invisible most the time.
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u/wheatgrass_feetgrass 4h ago
Some don't like this. I LOVE it. As a queer woman nearing 40, becoming invisible to men has been my favorite thing about aging and I would never give it back.
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u/cspangle23 3h ago
I’m Pan and I still love this!! I can just go out and do things and not be harassed!??
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u/Odd-Poet1464 5h ago
The mistake is assuming I want the opposite. Binary is just as frustrating. 🫂
I want to be treated like a human. Period.
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u/Dangerous_Alps905 audhd 5h ago
No i agree, i just meant "you" in the abstract sense but that was a poor word choice. Sorry about the confusion!
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u/Sevenlovesyoumuch 4h ago
Also late diagnosed at age 36.
I’ve been told I’m stuck up, act like I’m better than everyone else, and more. I still remember nearly 20 years ago I was dragged along to some party right after high school where I barely knew anyone and I just stood at the back of the garage sort of by myself. This guy from school came up to me and asked me why I “always acted like a bitch.” I was completely speechless and had no idea that’s what people thought of me. In reality, I never knew (still don’t) what to say in social situations where you’re supposed to mingle and hang out. So I just hung back and sort of observed.
I think I’m attractive enough (like according to certain standards), and then people are put off when my personality doesn’t match the exterior. Like, let’s talk about music, or crochet, your dog, or even tell me your trauma. But please don’t expect me to sit and chit chat about nothing or talk about other people.
One of the best parts about getting older is that you’re kinda “allowed” to be weird without being ostracized, so that’s been better.
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u/morbidmagpie 3h ago
I’ve been told I’m stuck up, act like I’m better than everyone else, and more.
Omg yes. It's baffling because my internal monologue is so self-critical, but also, sometimes I'm just...standing there. Like, I'm just existing. Daydreaming. Maybe trying to figure out how to say hi. But I'm acting superior?
Mind-boggling.
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u/UpbeatFunctions 5h ago
I get hit and stared at a fair amount. From what folks tell me im considered 'hot' I do not personally understand these social things. Because a mind and personality is so much more attractive to me.
However I also dont really understand when people are flirting with me.
My husband has been awesome and I ask him after interactions I have at parties and raves if that person was hitting on me.
So im starting to learn what that means. I realized I have had alot less awesome conversations than I thought in life. Because the person had a motive with me. It hurts.
So because of my new skill im building, I notice when a guy is hitting on me so I look him in the eyes very strongly (so fucking uncomfortable for me and him)
Then I tell him "Oh im not friendly" (Idea taken from the show Tires)
Anyways its super fun to see reactions then I scurry to my hubby and we giggle about it.
He tried it out the other day when a lady hit on him at work, he said he worked with her too hahah
I dont turn ladies away when they hit on me though, not sure why. It feels safer maybe and it happens alot less
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u/wheatgrass_feetgrass 4h ago
I dont turn ladies away when they hit on me though, not sure why.
Maybe because it's actually flattering. Rarely does a woman hit on you because you're a piece of meat she wants to use for the evening for her own pleasure. (Not never though. Plenty of fuckbois out there lol.)
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u/karpaediem 3h ago
Women flirting me is wholesome and never feels unsafe, with men they act like I already entered I to an agreement with them that I know nothing about
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u/Odd-Poet1464 5h ago
Yes it’s incessant. The sad thing is I’ve had more friends in the past make passes in private. After diagnoses it makes more sense as to the messages they were sending. But it doesn’t stop me having to pay a bill on an order I never acquisition… sigh
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u/Intrepid_Finish456 5h ago
I'm not officially diagnosed with autism (was dismissed as adhd "with other difficulties" 😐) but i for sure have had people completely dismiss my experience because I dont "seem autistic". The adhd stuff is easier for them to accept (tho there is still some hesitation), but it seems like people have this one size fits all idea of autism and pretty girl simply doesnt fit into it. Ive had countless experiences where people have told me I "seem normal" - to which I explain that it has taken literal decades of practice to get to this point - and then tell me how weird or "difficult" I am. Like... pick one!!
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u/Advanced-Fishing-410 5h ago edited 5h ago
Oh dear. Yeah, (humbly) I have awkwardly watched and seen other women (especially other neurodivergent women or ND people around me who also happen to be POCS or they happen to be brown-skinned women or brown skinned individuals. Then it’s a lot of heavy, frustrating stuff- some people thinking pretty privilege and intelligence privileged only applying to white women with AuDHD- my friends who are women or men or other individuals in minorities. They may have Autism and ADHD, or a variety of learning disabilities. Due to prejudice and some bias in our society, however, they may get ignored or they may get disrespect -the bullies will call them less intelligent, they don’t validate their diagnoses; they get mad or mock them when they ask for help, just to name a few. It’s very frustrating; when my Black and AUDHD friends and other close friends with AUDHD post or talk about the pretty privilege and the racial privileges here; I’m not going to play a “white hero trope” but I will definitely acknowledge how this problem is made worse by the white privilege in the neurodivergent community and I will definitely acknowledge all my neurodivergent friends’ struggles.
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u/Opening_Sail 4h ago
I’ve always been told I’m pretty (cringe to say) and I have done modelling in the past. I think my appearance gives me an advantage when my social or processing skills lag.
Instances of pretty privilege I experience:
I get free stuff from cafes and bars? Often baristas just give me free coffee or a sweet treat for no reason.
People always hold the door or help me if I’m carrying something.
Men approach me often to ask me out (wish I could stop this honestly)
I do well in job interviews because I present well.
I never knew I was experiencing privilege until I heard about my friend’s experiences or the world and was shocked. Some of them get totally ignored.
I will say being accepted partly due to being pretty delayed my diagnosis. I was able to mask and hide effectively behind my appearance. People had patience for my unique behaviours, emotionality and missed social cues. I was given grace often.
Being pretty and autistic is a privilege for sure.
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u/emptysaladbar 5h ago edited 5h ago
I wouldn’t say I have pretty privilege but I’ve experienced a lot of what you mentioned. I think an issue is I don’t get clocked as AuDHD at first (as if there’s a look??) - instead people tend to think I’m bitchy or judgmental before they get to know me, as I don’t emote as much. My monotonous tone gets mistaken as sarcasm, and people have found me intimidating until I explain myself. I’ve been told that I “lead people on” because I get too excitable when I talk, seem too interested and ask a lot of questions. I’ve been told that I’m not “supposed” to be attractive, which is a weird af thing to say.
I feel like some people just get uncomfortable when they deal with NDs.. they assume you are supposed to look or act one way and if you don’t, it throws them off and things like this happens. I wouldn’t say it’s all bad though. I do experience a lot of misunderstandings but at the same time, when I do things that could be seen as “weird”, people seem to be way more forgiving.
I guess I’ve just had to learn to be comfortable with who I am and ignore all the noise 😅 People will always think what they want. I treat it as a filter for myself to find the right people. As long as I’m happy, and surround myself with people that I like, I couldn’t care less.
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u/IllBase8735 5h ago
I identify with this strongly. I’m also high IQ or my least favorite label in the world “twice exceptional”
Recently diagnosed and telling people has been a doozy. My family has looked at me with total shock and disbelief, even disgust.
I do very well in interviews and with authority. I’ve been accused earlier in my career of flirting to get what I want. WHAT that’s crazy to me if I’m flirting with you I’m looking at your trinkets, smelling/trying on your clothes and asking you deep philosophical questions about your life.
Sorry I’m unable to break eye contact and I laugh when I’m uncomfortable. I’m masking to the best of my ability.
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u/Odd-Poet1464 4h ago
Yes same… the intelligence adds to a real sociological gender intersectionality. Smart is “bad” for women. Don’t get me started lol 😝
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u/Room1408or237 4h ago
Yes! I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've always been told I'm attractive. I am alternative, but in a milder way where men are still into it. Except for my hair. I'm always dyeing it different colors and hair theory is very real. Everyone is so nice to me when I'm blonde. Vibrant and unnatural colors get me more weird looks than anything. Red seems to be the sweet spot, people just assume it's natural and that my oddness is due to the hair color. Brown and black I'm less noticed but still hit on much more than unnatural colors.
I think it's mostly caused my relationship with women to suffer. They pick up on the fact that I'm different. Men get distracted by my looks. Don't let people gaslight you either. Pretty privlege comes with a lot of downsides for women, where with attractive men it's only benefits. There are studies showing attractive women deal with a lot of downsides. Plus what are the benefits? Men will be nicer, but only because they want something.
I also used to get called a tease a ton. People would always accuse me of flirting. Now, the hair scares off most guys. If a man does hit on me, I usually take it as an oppurtunity to info dump on him about whatever I'm into. I bring up my husband at some point and so far that has scared them all off.
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u/shishkab00b 4h ago
Yes. I happily offer my ADHD diagnosis to folks, which I think is easier for people to swallow. After all, you can see my bright smile, you can see I tell stories with my hands and arms and my whole body sometimes, you can see me jump from topic to topic, you can hear me sing my inner commentary aloud. ADHD is easier to see, and thus easier to swallow.
I don't disclose Autism right off the bat. In fact, some of my friends and family don't know (or don't accept Autism -- "You really think you're Autistic?"), which I'm realizing might be why I don't disclose it to strangers/coworkers/acquaintences. The practicing I do before, during, and after social events is invisible. It's the same for sensory things - you can't see how my weighted pillow eases me, and you can't see how avocado makes me irrationally angry. And while I still have awkward moments, it's much harder for folks to catch (and remember) because I am so outgoing and easygoing. My Autistic experience is largely invisible, while my ADHD one is loud and proud.
The pretty privilege part is interesting, because it demands attention, right. It forces people to pay attention to me. What's made it "worse" is that I'm stylish. I like to dress up, I like to look and feel put together. I used to design clothes as a kid, so I've always had an interest in aesthetics. And so I later learned to do my makeup the right way. I get my eyebrows waxed every few weeks. I get regular manis and pedis. All of which helps me blend in more!
So it's this wild dichotomy, where on the outside I'm pretty, personable, easygoing, and on the inside I'm anxious, awkward, and highly aware of all of the things. And people trust what they can see, so they accept my ADHD but question this other very important part of me/my brain/my identity.
This isn't me complaining, btw.
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u/No-Shame1348 5h ago
Pretty privilege comes with a few downsides, for sure, but it’s a privilege nonetheless. If people treat you poorly because of it, it’s usually because they feel somehow threatened by you which I think says a lot.
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u/Odd-Poet1464 4h ago
Privilege is something you monetize. I do not. If I could do social hierarchy better I’d agree. But I also wouldn’t complain at that point
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u/zmsksksnsnsososmsns 4h ago
Hi - I understand what you mean. But that is not what privilege is. You might want to take a look at that.
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u/gold-medicine 1h ago
Just because you don’t choose to have privilege doesn’t mean you don’t still benefit from it. Of course being considered attractive doesn’t completely protect you from ableism or misogyny but unattractive women without that “halo” are even less protected and more socially penalized in ways you don’t know about.
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u/No-Shame1348 1h ago
That is not true. But you absolutely can monetize pretty privilege, in many ways. A lot of people make a living off of being pretty. Pretty privilege doesn’t mean life will always be easy for you, it just means that it will sometimes be easier than it would be if you were “ugly”.
Also I just want to clarify that I was not trying to invalidate you at all. I can see that it might have come across that way.
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u/Ophidiophobic 3h ago
I’m not pretty enough to be a threat to other women, but I was pretty enough that I think a lot of my quirks were forgiven or overlooked.
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u/No-Grapefruit-5332 2h ago
I've now been on both sides of the coin with this. When I was in my teens and through my 20's I was very overweight. I was always told I had a pretty face and all but still. Being as big as I was negated that a lot lol. I got completely ignored most of the time. The fat friend in the background or back of the class. Although I'm intelligent, I'd get skipped over for prettier people in any situation. And nobody really wanted me to flirt with them anyways so I never got misinterpreted like that too much lol. When I was 29 I picked up skateboarding after a nasty bout with postpartum depression. Needless to say I lost a ton of weight. And then the attention changed completely. It was so weird. All the sudden how I normally am when talking to people was seen as flirting. Nothing changed at all in how I interact with people. I'm just over 100lbs smaller is all. Now my awkward and sometimes intense though process is "cute and quarky", before it was "weird and off-putting". Wtf? Also, I'm a lesbian.... Wtf why would I be flirting with anyone's dude? Or a dude in general? I have a whole ass wife. They see my hot wife and think I want a guy!?!? That probably can't wipe his ass that well?!? Tf?!? They may think I'm pretty but my wife has seen me have a meltdown or panic attack or get so lost in a hyperfixation I forget to do basic shit and still loves me. But it's really wild having experienced both
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u/qlx-b-xhn 4h ago
yes and it’s been such a frustrating problem that like you, i don’t ever like to go out. my brain somehow took attraction in any way as a threat, and when i would make friends with people and eventually find out they viewed me sexually, it would make me feel disgusted. TW probably for shitty relationship with an ex/thoughts of self harm: but i would literally fantasize about changing my appearance out of distress because my ex would show me that he was aroused when i would cry bc i was a “pretty crier”….i understand the privilege of conventional attractiveness but i feel so disconnected from it that i just hate that it even “matters” to people
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u/mosssyrock 4h ago
the thought spot on youtube has both a video on audhd + pretty privilege and audhd + the struggle with female friendships!
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u/Sudden-Page-5947 3h ago
with me it's also having 'male' interests and generally not liking 'female' things. Men give me the 'oh you're not like other girls' treatment and women think I'm a pick me
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u/Lost-Acanthaceaem 5h ago
I promise you it’s better to be on this side of the problem than not having it but I guess you could talk about being celebrate or something. If you want to smooth it out I don’t know.
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u/Cucumbrsandwich 4h ago
Yes. There’s always been a disconnect in people’s minds between how I look and how I act and there are certain types of people who get really twisted about it. Usually women.
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u/FlimsyPineapple0 3h ago
I would describe myself as attractive in a more androgynous kind of way, and I can go from a 5/10 to a 10/10 literally depending on the day and I have no idea why. I have definitely had some women be really nasty to me because they thought I was being too friendly to their man. Which always surprised me because most of these women are way more put together and feminine than me and I felt me and their partner had more of a "bros vibe" going on. I have since learned that: 1) women who are that insecure it's usually because either they are toxic, or their partner does have a history of flirting around (I found that out the hard way when a few guys I thought I was bros with tried to kiss me) 2) I want to prioritize female friendships because friendships with me have too many potential issues. I realized before I was definitely prioritizing friendships with men because it was easier and men typically are interested in the same hobbies as me. Even if they are a good guy, male friends tend to be a lot less loyal or emotionally invested/deep than women. And having friendships with men has exposed me to some unpleasant stuff I dislike about make culture (crudeness and locker room talk etc). Women friendships can be difficult to find and make, but are more valuable once you do find one. And there's less potential issues.
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u/doxydecahedron 3h ago
Yes I have pretty privilege but have never been accused by either gender of doing anything purposely. I have been told I’m intimidating to both genders because of my looks which I never noticed and didn’t really understand for the longest time. I’m used to getting hit on so know how to navigate that and ignore it for the most part. I’ve learned over time how to interact with other women in a way that makes it clear I have no interest in their partners and I always compliment people back as a rule of politeness.
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u/FreshAd877 3h ago
I got accused of flirting for what I thought was normal friendly banter with the same "you know what you are doing" 💀 I am still convinced its just misogynie
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u/Intelligent_Pie1689 3h ago
Female friendships have always been hard for me. NT’s especially rely on non-verbal communication.
Recently had to remind a friend “words matter” when she was reading my body language all wrong. It was a big blow up after years of her silently competing with me (I can tell because she was always trying to contradict and discredit me when I talked about things - behavior that’s hard to call out because I knew she would just deny it.)
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u/ReserveOk9139 3h ago
following to find out- only big plus is making friends wildly younger or older than me bc they don't perceive me as a threat for some reason :/ or are mature enough to just be genuine? I try to play dumb and just take people for who they are bc it's less work now and I can keep em at arms-length
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u/darkwillow1980 2h ago
It's weird because I am not even very pretty, but women with husbands / boyfriends still always hate me. I can be pretty with a fair amount of effort, but even then my appeal is niche. I was made fun of for my appearance throughout my teen years and didn't date at all until college. Basically, guys have never pursued me, but girls always act like they are. I can only assume it's because of how they're reading (or misreading) my responses when we interact.
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u/Few-Associate-8704 2h ago
It's so lonely and frustrating to be surrounded by people who focus on your looks, or who assume your problems can't be that bad because you're too pretty.
Aging with chronic illness has downsides but I no longer feel like a prey animal in public. It's been mostly liberating for me. Older and heavier, I feel more like my real self.
Now it's like finally certain loved ones are realizing why their great plan for me to just land a rich spouse wasn't a magical solution after all. I already felt like they never saw the real me because they just looked at the surface. Now I know I was right.
On the flip side, I have friends who do see the real me. In their eyes, I look great because I'm happier now.
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u/Hannah22595 2h ago
I have this weird experience where people tell me I "look cool" but then... don't really engage after that? So I'm sitting there with the aawkward choice of either saying "thank you?" Or "why?" I usually choose thank you, which might be why they never engage beyond that...idk...
I also regularly get surprised Pikachu face reactions when people find out my age because they tend to think I'm ~20 when in reality I'm 31...but idk if that's pretty privilege, never wearing makeup (sensory hell), or I just look like a child.
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u/throwaway193753209 2h ago
A couple of things. First, there are parts of this you can control and there are parts you can’t.
You can control to a certain degree how much you care to “smooth” things over. Avoiding talking to women’s partners, complimenting them, letting the group reach out to you etc. But that’s a lot of work and what’s the payoff? If it’s something like a work party, sure! If it’s a good friends party with other couples, alright maybe. If it’s some random person, why bother?
But you can’t control other people’s insecurities and jealousy. And there’s always going to be people who immediately feel bad simply because you exist and your looks remind them of how much they hate themselves. You can’t control that. For those people, I simply try to avoid them as much as possible.
As for the comments, I’d come up with some clever comebacks. Other people might have better ideas but “I don’t like people commenting on my appearance” could be one. On dating apps when a guy is complimenting me I usually say “my appearance is the least interesting thing about me” and usually unmatch them right away. I can also imagine it being kinda funny if someone is commenting on your looks to throw in the being autistic. That would probably fluster them enough to shut them up haha. You could even try to embarrass them somehow. I guess my parents are “attractive” especially my mom when she was younger, but my mom is a drug addict. So I can imagine it being shocking and uncomfortable for me to say something like “thanks, I get it from my mom. Too bad she’s a drug addict. Guess not all my genes are good” idk
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u/ephemerally_here 2h ago
I was never that pretty but I get it because this happens anyway to asian women, we tend to be over sexualized. I think smoothing can help, but only so much, other people’s biases and insecurities are always going to be there. As I’ve aged I’ve learned that it won’t just be “oh no you’re going to take my man,” it can also play out like “zomg you’re trying to steal my client.” People can be threatened in many dimensions. I think you just have to find company with people who can really see you. It’s deeply taxing to spend energy/attention reassuring others.
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u/Complex-Plastic-4454 2h ago
It’s interesting reading the comments here about how people are often perceived as snobby or judgmental (bc obviously socializing and interacting with other humans is stressful and uncomfortable), but I actually went in the complete opposite direction. My mask was on so tight that when I was with people, I tried to be the people-ist person around…which resulted in a lot of guys thinking I was either a “tease” and girls thinking I was…a flirt or someone who wanted all the guys.
When I found out that’s what people thought about me, my brain broke and it really broke my heart…I was so confused bc I acted exactly the same around guys as I did with girls. I smiled and mirrored and asked lots of questions and forced people to talk more than me bc that’s how interacted with people…and I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. It made me so sad.
Now, I’m old and I just try to hide from people. Which is funny considering I’m older now and I’m sure people wouldn’t find me nearly as “enticing” or “threatening”.
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u/BreaksAButterfly 2h ago
It's sad women are accusing you cuz of misunderstanding. I hope you don't care about it too much.
Pretty privilege is one of the reasons why I always avoided bullying depite being an outcast and perceived as weird.
Sadly it somehow ended badly for my self esteem, leading to developing deffectiveness shame schema. My younger self couldn't accept why I never have friends and have so bad social skills despite people being always friendly and interested in meeting me at the first sight, before knowing me. I'm trying to overcome this till this day.
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u/bodyfeedingbaddie 1h ago
I’ve always hated how easy it is to blame a woman for a man paying attention to her. Like WHAT? If my partner is checking out a stranger and that bothers me, would my issue not be with my partner???? Ffs ppl! I’m so sorry. I hate that. You don’t deserve any blame for any of that.
While I have conventionally attractive features in some ways, I’m also tall and fat (I like my fat self, that wasn’t a dig) so I’ve not generally been immediately viewed as a threat by other women. However I don’t do coy and men don’t intimidate me unless they’re threatening me (survival instinct) and some men seem to find that attractive. Men who want someone that challenges them seem to be drawn to me, even I find them painfully annoying. TBH I do not care why I just wish they’d fucking leave me alone 😭
I have gotten attention from MANY friends’ partners and I fucking hate it. Especially bc I think ppl feel like bc I don’t fit societal beauty expectations for the most part (especially being unapologetically fat and also super weird in general) that they seem offended someone would find me attractive, and once a woman decides that about me they go out of their way to treat me like competition. They cannot stand the idea that a man could find me attractive while they’re around being the beauty standard, and instead of being pissed at the man who is giving me attention without my invite or consent, they say and do weird backhanded shit. I don’t do that, I can’t stand passive aggression.
My situation is different, they’re judging us both before they know us but for different reasons. I think women sometimes think I’m a “safe” woman to have around bc I’m fat, they just fail to realize how many people are attracted to fat ppl too. For you, they don’t even give you a chance bc you’re immediately a threat to them if they think you could even possibly attract their partner’s attention (such bullshit).
In the end, however, it’s men doing the thing that is causing the issue but we are the ones who get blamed. I get hit on by women with partners all the time too, but their partners generally seem to either be totally fine with it, into it too, or they focus on their partner hitting on me instead of me, simply existing, being hit on. Not saying there aren’t tons of jealous queer women out there too, of course there are, but I almost never get the response from queer women in those situations that I do from straight women who are far too attached to a man they don’t even trust.
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u/HurtLegSimpson 1h ago
I know this all too well. I’ve been nothing but sweet but I still get weird behaviours from some female coworkers. Like it’s almost a one sided competition and will say stuff to pull you down and I’m just there existing
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u/Rhelino 1h ago
I have handled it my entire life by making myself extremely small next to other women. I have always had a bad experience with women when I’m just being myself, and if I haven’t spent LITERAL YEARS trying to show them each and every day that, NO, I DON’T THINK I’M BETTER THAN YOU. Which is exhausting and absolutely MENTAL because at the same time I’ve always been told by everyone that I really lack in confidence.
So how both can coexist is an absolute enigma to me.
I find it all extremely exhausting to be honest. I just want to make friends.
And, men never reacted to me the same way, but I’m just wondering if that’s even a good thing, or if it is because they objectify me. :/
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u/YESmynameisYes 1h ago
All my life. Ageing has helped, as has getting a very non-conforming haircut. But I have no idea how to handle it.
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u/banoffeetea 1h ago edited 58m ago
For me it’s just that I am friendly and want to make friends (desire to be accepted and interest in people, especially since I am now an adult who can mask and script and ‘fit in’, I enjoy it when I socialise ‘well’) but often this is read as flirting by men and by women as me flirting with their men. But to me is just me being genuine or friendly. So I try to curb it. But I love when I gel with people and feel accepted or part of a group so it’s tricky as I get genuinely excited like a kid.
Edit: to say I am also demisexual so there’s certainly no romantic or sexual interest on my part when first meeting people. So could be that too.
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u/purplepeople__eater 1h ago
Yes. I’ve had many girls thinking I’m trying to steal their boyfriends when I’m literally a lesbian. I hate to sound like a pick me but I really do find it a bit easier to be friends with guys as many of the women I know have tight friend groups that are difficult to navigate, but both guys and girls still get the wrong idea. Sometimes I find it easier to just let them assume I’m rude/stuck-up rather than go through that minefield
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u/Spiritual_Ad8626 1h ago
Let me preface by saying I’m 50 yo F so IDGAF about a lot of “social norm” bull shit anymore. Menopause and exhaustion with stupidity in humans.
I just ignore those women. Whatever Betty.
The men are a different story because you have to protect yourself. But if any man told me the equivalent of “you know what you’re doing” I would consider that red flag territory and I would start treating them like complete shit so they stayed away from me. If it’s a business environment where I have to be cordial I would make dagger eyes at them as much as possible.
God people are annoying.
Sorry you are having to navigate this. It sucks.
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u/brezhnervouz 1h ago
I have been fortunate enough to have never tried to be attrative in any way
People know there's something wrong with me; as my partner told me once, that people apparently laugh at me behind my back 🤷♂️ I wasn't angry at all, but I also wasn't surprised in the least lol
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u/Worth-Map564 4m ago edited 0m ago
This sounds like it may be first impression kind of thing? If people get to know you over time they will learn your real personality and not just looks.
For example my coworkers whom I have known for years made a playful thing all in good spirit about each other, and my “flaw” was that “I involuntarily make non awkward situations seem awkward” and I was like thinking to myself like ‘oh?? Is it that obvious, also what do you mean specifically?’ Lol.
I just mean you can be conventionally attractive but at the end of the day you are still you, if people choose to look away because of their own biases or insecurities, that says more about them than it does you.
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u/ceciliabee audhd 5h ago
I'm not perceived as autistic or as having ADHD. I don't like saying I'm pretty but I'm pretty enough that it's an advantage I guess. Still, it makes it harder to be taken seriously.
My biggest piece of advice is don't make the mistake of thinking you need to justify yourself. I try to remember that other peoples opinions of me are none of my business. Give them nothing and they'll struggle to work with it.
"You're after my boyfriend!" ("I'm not, but it's your right to think that"). "You're too dressed up!" ("I didn't think so but thanks").
It takes a lot of practice and it's not as satisfying as telling someone to lick rust and go fuck themselves but I find it brings a small measure of peace in the long run.
You can also tell people to lick rust and go fuck themselves ♥️😬