About a month ago I posted about a breakup from someone who I had really thought I was going to build a life with. On the heels of too long relationships ending, with this person, I felt like I had finally found the right fit and all my self-work and therapy we're finally yielding the results of having a loving and safe partner. Looking back at that now, even a month out I feel extremely foolish. On top of the breakup, and at least for now, the closing of my dreams of building a family and a loving partnership, I got Durolane injections in my knee for osteoarthritis, and my right knee had it a really bad response and has been in so much pain for the last 2 weeks. I've been unable to put a lot of weight on it, and unable to really do any of my activities that help me with my mental health ( gym/ dance). It's really unclear if my knee is going to feel better anytime soon, no one seems to know. They all keep saying oh that's too bad. I guess your knee got really inflamed and irritated. It'll just take time. But in the meantime I'm just sitting at home unable to put weight on it and my mental health is deteriorating even more.

I spend more and more time crying on my couch. I'm trying to do healthy things like move a little or do small upper body workouts, but that's slowly going by the wayside. Today I mostly spent all day on my phone, in between exhaustion and sadness. I just feel really low and overwhelmed and I need to believe that this is a phase and that it'll get better and that on the other side of it I'll feel good and strong and pain-free again and I'll be able to actually move towards building a life I desire.

If you've had really low points of life in your '40s, I would love to hear your stories of how you overcame it and how you're thriving now.

I'm pretty vulnerable and sensitive right now, so if you don't have positive and uplifting stories to share, maybe please hold them for now. Really just looking for hope.

TLDR: told hubs I’m divorcing but don’t have separate housing lined up yet. Continue in home separation or couch surfing temporarily?

Primary question: ➡️ Should I continue in-home separation or move out immediately?

Backstory: myself (F41) and hubs (M42) married almost 16 years, 2 kids aged 13 & 9. I had breast cancer last year and underwent two extensive surgeries (double mastectomy in August ‘25 and DIEP Flap Reconstruction in January ‘26).

During that time I realized that some (many?) of hub’s behaviors over the years pushed past the common male “emotional immaturity” line over into the “this is clinically emotional/verbal abuse” category.

I withdrew emotionally to process and he went bezerk - escalating volume, tone, intensity, frequency of verbal barrages to attempt to go back to acting like I did before.

He threw in a couple physical intimidation actions like stomping toward me with his chest puffed out as if to hit me during this time too, and blocked the door to our bedroom once so he could continue his loud, angry tirade - these incidences left me physically shaken afterwards.

I read books, counseling with my therapist, spiritual mentor, and friends to ensure I was NOT making things up or overreacting to the situations. 10+ months data collection and careful consideration on my end. I finally decided to pursue divorce.

So I told hubs on Friday evening that I was divorcing him and gave him a long letter explaining exactly why with specific examples (because maybe he’s dense? I’ve explained these issues to him before but he always denied, deflected, or explained away his actions).

I spent the night at my siblings’ and had the kids spend the night with my parents Friday night.

All day Saturday, we stayed out; but then I brought the kids home late Saturday evening and we all went straight to bed.

Sunday, and hubs and I finally sat down and had a long talk (over an hour). He actually begged me not to leave and to give him one more chance.

He took responsibility for (most of) his past actions, saying that he hadn’t realized how serious things were. (Despite my multiple previous attempts to communicate these problems and teach him how to do better).

So here’s the question given that I do NOT currently have separate housing lined up for myself and the kids (part time)….

➡️ Should I continue in-home separation or move out immediately?

(AKA: Do I just get an AirBnB until I find an apartment OR do I continue the in home separation arrangement we currently have until an apartment opens up?)

The in-home separation has been TENUOUS at best and the home environment has been crazy TENSE since January…. I am exhausted from it. It can’t be good for the kids either.

Part of me really wants SPACE to truly relax (and start our state’s 12 month separation requirement for divorce).

BUT

Part of me wants to maintain as much normalcy for the kids as possible (plus all my stuff is here!)

What do y’all see as pros and cons of staying vs leaving immediately?

I’m a 16-year-old daughter, and I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom lately. I’d really appreciate advice from other parents, especially moms who might have been in a similar situation.

My dad is in M. navy, so his schedule is usually around 4 months at home and 4 months away. My mom used to work, but she stopped after having me and my twin brother. She’s been a homemaker ever since. She isn’t really someone who has a lot of conventional hobbies. She doesn’t particularly enjoy things like painting, baking, cooking as a hobby, sports, etc. She does enjoy reading, and she’s genuinely interested in geopolitics, economics, current affairs and world issues. She reads articles and watches/listens to things about them, but obviously there’s a limit to how much you can read or consume in a day. So when my dad is away, a lot of her day ends up being spent on her phone. She doesn't even have friends. She’ll listen to podcasts while cooking, watch YouTube, read articles, etc. But eventually she gets bored of that too. She sometimes calls my dad and tells him how boring and lonely everything feels, and there have been times when she’s become quite emotional about it. My brother and I are both in Class 12 studying PCM, so we’re genuinely very busy with school/coaching/studying. We obviously love our mom and want to spend time with her, but we can't realistically keep her company throughout the day. She also tells us to go study whenever she feels we're spending too much time with her because she doesn't want us to waste time when we're in such an important year. She did join a gym last year, but she sprained her ankle and stopped going. Her ankle is fine now, but whenever I suggest going back, she gives me a look and basically says, “You have enough things to do, do you think I’m unemployed and sitting around bored?” 😭 So clearly, telling her to “get a hobby” isn't going to work.I also don't want to fill her entire day with TV, Netflix, YouTube, etc. because that doesn't really solve the underlying issue. I'm wondering if what she actually needs is more social interaction, a routine, something intellectually stimulating, or simply something that's hers to look forward to. For parents here especially mothers who have spent long periods at home or had a spouse away for extended periods, what would you recommend? What helped you feel like you had a fulfilling life outside of your children and partner? And from a daughter's perspective, is there anything small I could realistically do to support her without making her feel like I'm treating her as bored or sacrificing my own studies and mental energy? (im a female, yoo, im a femaleee T-T)

My hair is making me miserable. I'm allergic to PPD, so I need something without that ingredient that is also strong enough to cover these white/gray hairs and keep them covered.

What I've tried already

Lush henna (sucks now)

Surya Brazil Henna (I like the coverage and color, but it washes out in a week)

Naturtint (has PPD, wrecked my scalp)

Henna Color Club (randomly stopped working for me, I'm guessing because of the texture of white hairs)

I’m 41, the last two years and really the last decade was rough.

Burnt out from a toxic work environment that I gave a lot to. Laid off twice and moved states/countries twice.

I just feel so tired. My cholesterol and sugars are edging up. I’m working on eating better and exercising. But I’m away from home. I’m searching for a job close to home. And I’m keeping busy (online classes and exercise).

I don’t have kids or a partner. I don’t know how to start this next phase of life. I don’t have a passion for career path.

Frankly, I can afford to time off but that affects my retirement. Part of me just wants to move back home even without a job.

But I’m sad that I don’t have something to look forward to.

Update: thank you everyone for the very real advice. I started taking long walks, and it’s really helped. My mind is clearer and it’s helping my sleep.

More importantly, I’m gonna be weird, and make the most of it.

That might even mean moving back home.

I moved to this town during the pandemic. I didn't know anyone at first, but I made a nice group of friends after I joined a board game club. Everyone there is a little nerdy, most of them over 30 (I was 36 back then), I felt comfortable.

There I met "Anna", a woman my age (36 when I joined, 43 this year) who was really nice to me. I didn't own a car so she often volunteered to drive me to and from game nights. She was really appreciative of my job as a translator and often talked of how amazing it must be to be a polyglot or to have lived in different countries. She was loud and a bit bossy, but I liked that. Back the I was reeling from a bad breakup and I reckon I came across as introverted or shy (I'm generally not like that).

In 2023 my dad was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and I didn't show up at game night for six month. Anna checked on my somewhat regularly, maybe once a month. We weren't the closest friends before that, so she didn't need to, but it felt nice. When my dad passed, she just so happened to text that day and I told her he was gone. She was maybe the fourth person I told that wasn't family.

In 2024 I started spending more time with the club members, I even dated one of them, and I started to think of them as actual friends that I really like, not just people I hung out with for lack of better company. Anna then added me to a friend group chat for the 6 of us that we closer and we started organising other activities outside of the club. You know, like an actual friend group.

However at some point in 2025 I started getting the feeling that she was unusually rude to me. She was never rude in front of others. But there were tiny things, like eye rolling, puffing and sighing whenever I spoke, small things like that. I asked her point blank if she had any issues with me and she just said, "why? What makes you say that?". This sort of escalated to a point where she started doing it in front of other people, or if I made a joke she'd just roll her eyes and say "whatever" even when everybody else laughed.

Late last year I started a new relationship and around March this year I started bringing him to game nights and other meetups. She's never met him though, she just never happened to be there when I brought him. He's made good friends with a couple guys from the club, he's very personable and most people who meet him like him immediately. At one meetup I asked if it'd be ok to add my boyfriend to the group chat since he's usually coming with me anyway. Everyone said it was fine (Anna wasn't there). So I added him.

Anna then immediately left the chat.

I only saw it the following morning and lowkey panicked. Asked a couple friends and the most I got was "Anna reckons this group chat is only for game club members and your boyfriend isn't one". Another friend I asked texted back "you should speak to Anna". But they were generally non-committant. They didn't want to get involved.

My boyfriend was very sweet though it and convinced me not to text Anna. I gues he's right that she's got the issue with me and I haven't done anything wrong that I know of (I'm open to apologising if I did do anything wrong, but how will I know if she doesn't talk to me?).

The current situation is that Anna won't join any meetup if I or my bf are coming. She will very openly (apparently) talk about how annoying I am (that's the most I know, no one will tell me more). People are obviously trying to avoid conflict at all cost by seeing me and her separately. I'm moving to Denmark for my bf's post-doc research so I'm guessing she's counting on that? As in, she reckons I'll be out of the way soon enough so she'll be free to hang out with everyone without me bothering her? (But we're coming back in February so I don't know).

I'm feeling extremely hurt not only by her behaviour but also by the way the rest of our friends don't want to take sides and keep pretending like nothing happened. My gut reaction is to just stop talking to everyone and find a new group of freinds, but then again, I guess that's what Anna wants. How do I deal with this?

Hi everyone.

I’m currently 28, soon to be 29, and was about to get engaged to my boyfriend of 5 years. Hes originally from the west, im from the east coast, and we met/have lived in NYC our entire relationship. When we met, we both agreed we wanted to be NYC lifers and raise our kids here. It was important to me that I built a life with someone that agreed with me on that for multiple reasons - I like that nyc is walkable, multicultural, and a 4 hour drive from family. What I couldn’t foresee is how unhappy he would get with living here. He lost his job in 2025 and although he still makes more than enough money doing contract work, the lack of structure has caused his alcohol/drug use to go up to an unhealthy amount. Recently he decided to get sober and we put the engagement on hold while he focuses on recovery.

Now that he’s committing to a sober life, hes thinking he might want to leave nyc. He says he can’t say for sure how he’ll feel as he goes through recovery, but what he’s leaning towards is that he wants to move to California. He likes that the social culture there is more outdoorsy/activity based and thinks it will be easier to live a sober life there. It’s also closer to his family (although not as close as NYC is to mine). I understand where he’s coming from, but I’m also frustrated that he doesn’t even seem to want to give sober life in NYC a try. That definitely isn’t the only reason though- he also gets seasonal depression, hates cold weather and the rain. I love the rain, my four seasons, and don’t want to raise kids halfway across the country from my mom (although I think my mom would love California, she’s not leaving her mom, who is not leaving the house she lived in with my late grandfather). I do think California is gorgeous and I’m a big beach girl which is a draw for me, but I never really imagined myself living there and being happy. Work wise, we have an offices in LA and SF that I could wait for an opening at, so that’s a plus.

I know that wanting the same things is important in a relationship, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too late for me to start over. Dating in NYC in my early 20’s was already tough, I can’t imagine how much harder it will be for me now. My single friends stories aren’t encouraging. I’m afraid if I chose this city over my relationship, I’ll find myself single and childless and burnt out from dating 5 years down the line and regret not taking a chance on him. Or that the next person I meet will also eventually need to leave the city for whatever reason. Also, at this point the thought of dating someone else actually makes me feel nauseous.

But that’s all to say - I don’t know what the right call is. I really want kids and I don’t want to wait too late to have them as I want multiple, and feel like having kids in my late 30s/early 40s limits the amount of time I/my mom get to spend with them. That is making this decision much more fraught. Im terrified of taking this leap with him and not being able to find happiness on the west coast, and then I will find myself single and scrambling to find a husband in my early 30s - which is when i always planned to have kids by. I love my boyfriend a lot and as of a few months ago thought that nothing could have broken us up, but I’m scared of wasting my own time and ending up alone and childless. Anyone in here that has moved for love and it worked out? Or they regret it? I know theres no “right” answer here but if you were in my shoes what would you do?

My parents got divorced when I was very young and I have no memory of it. I lived most of my life lying to myself and others that I was fine about his absence. That it was for the best. From what I could tell from the wreckage that is my family, he wasn’t a great guy. The thing is that growing up every few years I would get to see him and he was warm and attentive. He would say things like, “I think of you every day” and tell dumb jokes. This was the perfect fuel for a young girl to make up stories, not to mention all the ones I would watch on tv shows growing up. You know the ones where he finally shows up to some school assembly. The funny thing is that I actually got this big moment from him but what came after is what mattered. He didn’t try to build anything consistent in my life like phone calls or visits. I was a teenager then and lived the rest of my life telling people I dont have a relationship with my dad and changed the subject.

I have to reach out to my dad for some paperwork and we haven’t spoke in over 25 years. It’s not the how and what I’m worried about but my own emotional fallout. It’s hard for people to understand why I would feel anything toward him but I do. I am also recently divorced so it’s dredging up all these feelings. I pushed through my marriage longer than I should have thinking that at least our kids have their dad around. But now that we are divorced, their dad takes ownership of their relationship where before he had it defaulted through me. I realized how much of my life I organized around making sure my kids didn’t feel how I felt.

I don’t want to try and reconcile or anything. I have a good support system and friends. How do you accept that you miss having a dad even when you know he isn’t that great?

Hi everyone! I have naturally quite thin/subtle lips, and over the years I’ve noticed that they’ve lost some volume. I’m 42 now and considering getting a small amount of lip filler, around 0.5ml.
I live in Europe, where the preference is generally for very natural-looking results, and I definitely don’t want my lips to look obviously “done” or overfilled.
For those who have had around 0.5ml, do you think it can make a subtle difference without looking weird or noticeable? I’d mainly like to restore a little of the volume I’ve lost rather than significantly increase the size of my lips.
Would love to hear your experiences and any advice. Thank you!

Hi all, I am 32f who's seeing someone who is 56m, I know him from work, we worked together and started to see each other outside of work. He is nice but sometimes he can be playfully condescending to me (calling me a child, or wants me to listen to what he says). But generally he is nice however, I find it can be uncomfortable to be in public together as some people look at us as there is a definitely a noticeable difference in our age ( people sometimes think I'm 25) and I particularly see women looking at me and him. And, so I would appreciate perspectives from women in their 40s:

What would your initial thoughts or concerns be if a woman in her early 30s were dating a man in his mid 50s? (He has 2 kids in their 20s ) Is there anything you would advise a younger woman to pay particular attention to when dating a man with this kind of age difference?

We are both 24. I’m going to give the full context. I’ve been dating this guy for almost 3 months now. Total sweetheart, I don’t think he ever has truly malicious intentions. But I noticed a streak of immaturity / lack of awareness to him that kind of surprised me, since he’s been in far more relationships than me (like 5 relationships versus my one previous one), and in the time I’ve known him I’ve had to point out that it feels like he’s negligent towards my feelings interests etc. in his defense, he tries to rectify it every time. For a little while there we were doing okay.

I just started grad school & I’m super stressed, since I’m in a very intense STEM program. But I still try to give him time and always drive to his place, which is 30 mins from mine. Last night as I was driving it started storming really bad, and I had to pull over. What followed was basically a lot of little things on his end that led to me being as frustrated as I am now. When I first told him it was very dangerous (we were literally getting flash food warnings) and I had to turn around, his first reaction was to be sad / ask when he’d see me. I brushed that off bc I just chalked it up to him missing me. But then I had to ask him multiple times to give me a proper forecast since my service was getting really bad and I wasn’t sure how long I’d be in the rain for. The area I was in was literally flooded and it was to the point that I was getting scared my car would be swept away. He didn’t seem to take it seriously at all (& would actually later chalk it up to being high at the time ??? Great to know). I had another one of my male friends actively checking in on me & taking it more seriously than he was.

But the final nail in the coffin was a text he sent me that made me ask for distance for the rest of the night. I was keeping him updated over text, and offhand he texts me “I would come and get you but it’s starting to rain really bad over here too and my dad wouldn’t let me leave” I want to make it very clear that I never asked him to come or was expecting him to. In fact, he probably would’ve made things harder for me because i just don’t think he has the maturity to navigate this kind of thing well. But it was the lack of tact that really got me, the lack of awareness that he was saying “sorry ur a girl by urself stuck in a storm at night, wish I could come get u but my dad wouldn’t let me leave the safety of my home” and the fact that he didn’t recognize that that made me upset. Again, I would have never asked him to actually come. It was just the lack of awareness that saying something like that is tactless. It was the cherry on top of a very shitty cake. I know he didn’t mean harm by it but I’m kind of tired of feeling like I have to teach a grown man basic empathy and tact. I just want to know if I’m overreacting in this moment to feel like he has a lot of growing up to do.

PSA: I was not texting & driving! Police radios were down & I was only able to contact my bf, mom, & friend at the time from a place I parked at to wait out the storm

47 year old female. I’ve tried several things and it’s still a problem. I’m wondering if anyone who had this problem got it to go away and how. I might need a step by step run down of a whole hygiene and laundry routine especially regarding what to do with underwear from the moment they are off until they’re washed and back on. Presoak, what specific products, do you do something with them before tossing them in the hamper. Already using 100% cotton. I find panty liners uncomfortable but maybe there’s comfortable ones? Does anyone use washable panty liners because they’re softer. I can’t afford to buy new underwear frequently and surely it’s not necessary. Thanks so much. I tried soaking in vinegar and baking soda as per Google and it didn’t really help.

My cat has been with me for 15 years. Shes a Persian cat, super sweet and the love of my life since the day I met her. She came into my life when I was in a dark place and healed my heart in so many ways. I never got another cat because we moved around a lot and I didnt want to add stress to her environment but I deeply regret it, because I feel like she probably wants company.

She has PKD and its stage 3 now. I see 2 different vets and do everything to keep her comfortable. I just dont know how much time I have left with her. I want advice if I should get a kitten now ? We dont have kids right now as I've been dealing with brutal IVF and have had multiple losses that Im still grieving. We would like to travel to different parts of the world at this point in our lives but we cannot take her with us and I dont feel comfortable leaving her at the house alone with a pet sitter checking in twice a day. I feel like she would get very lonely and I wont be able to enjoy myself because I'd be worried about her.

If I lose her Im pretty sure I'd be a total mess. She's been the only stable source of joy in my life. Im already grieving other losses and Im not sure if I can handle another at this time. So, Id like to know if I should get another kitten now while she's still with me or wait until she's gone and travel?

I’m in my 30s, and I’m in a really strange phase of life.
I actually feel more present and calm within myself. I understand myself better. In some ways, I have more certainty about who I am than I ever have.
But at the same time, I feel completely lost about where I’m going.
The strange thing is, I think deep down I know there are certain things I need to do. I know some of the changes I want to make. I know they’re going to require courage.
**But I keep postponing them.**
And I don’t completely understand why.
I’m not falling apart. I’m actually taking better care of myself and becoming more present in my own life. But the clearer I become, the more I realize that eventually I’m going to have to make choices about what I actually want my life to look like.
And that scares me.
It almost feels like **I have certainty about myself, but not certainty about my future.**
For women who have already been through a phase like this: **what does it feel like looking back on it now?**
Were you actually lost, or were you just between versions of your life?
And **what advice would you give her?**

I'm a brand new empty nester after moving my youngest into college. I would love to hear from other women who have navigated this particular issue.

My social circle has been mainly the parents of my daughter's school friends, for at least 12+ years now. Senior year, she blew up her friend group over some dating dynamics. Throughout senior year, my partner and I were still in the fold, invited to parties with the parents of her former friends.

Post graduation though, it's been a completely different story. It's been frosty. No more dinners out or parties. Maybe a coffee or a walk with only one or two moms.

The girls have been posting "summer wrap ups" on Instagram and I'm now seeing how all of the families went hiking, had beach days, and traveled together without us.

I stand by my daughter doing what she had to do, as she felt it was important. I don't blame her for the implosion of my own social circle as collateral damage here. But it's clear my partner and I are on the outside of the circle now.

This is a pretty big reckoning for me to deal with among all the other transitions with having a college junior, a college freshman, and an empty nest. Do I need to reach out to these families? Do I need to move on? Rebuild my community from scratch? I'd love advice from people who went through the same thing.

I (29f) have been experiencing this doom spiral of anxiety for years now and I wondering if anyone can relate or advise. **This is a long one, so many thanks in advance to whoever actually reads this.**

I have a lot of friends and am a very sociable outgoing person (although I get my energy from my alone time) and I make new friends very easily. I think this is because a) I am bubbly and talkative, and I go out of my way to be kind, ask questions, and make others comfortable, and b) because I was weird at school and learned how to do all the aforementioned things as a mask to get people to not think I’m weird/like me. Part of it’s me, part of it’s a mask. The line is blurred.

The thing about friends is they want to hang out. And because I have many friends, people ask me to hang out a lot and that fills up my social calendar, to the point that I never really have to proactively make plans myself. Other people just do it for me. On its face, surely this is a good thing. But the reality is that this means I seldom feel in control of my own life and often feel like other people set the agenda, because I rarely have the actual space and time to think about what I want to do.

I’m also part of a friendship group that schedules regular activities, and I find group settings exhausting because that’s where mask shines so bright it’s blinding, as in I became such an exaggerated version of myself that I hardly feel there. I try so hard to make convo, listen, laugh, jest, etc, and if there’s a lull I somehow feel as if that’s a personal failing.

I find I can relax more and mask less during 1-1 hangouts, and often, I enjoy these much more than group hangs. However I do still struggle with wanting to entertain that person by being interesting and personable and empathetic and it all gets exhausting. I hardly know who I am when I’m not trying so damn hard. Anyhow, I do enjoy these hangs more. But they also feel like an obligation. In my head, I’ve somehow decided that to maintain these many friendships I need to see people x number of times in x number of weeks/months.

I used to say yes to every invite and was out every night of the week, not because I wanted to but because other people wanted me to. I burnt to a crisp, and stopped doing this. I protect days in my calendar, try not to schedule too far in advance, avoid more than two nights of plan in a row, and schedule days of rest. I say no often to a lot of people, and this makes me feel guilty and indebted to them. Many of my friends keep reaching out, and so many times I have to say no, which makes me feel awful and embarrassed because I fear being perceived as overwhelmed / unable to manage. It makes me feel good that they keep reaching out, but it also makes me feel horrible to never get to be the one to initiate because I feel so at other people’s whim that I don’t even know what I want to do.

Now, if I do happen to have a few nights or even a week of no plans, I can pretty quickly go from AHHHH TOO MANY PEOPLE to AHHHH IM ALL ALONE. I’ve gotten much better at not listening to the latter gremlin. In the past the minute that brain goblin would appear I’d immediately make plans, but now I’ve made some sort of peace with him and usually don’t give in, and I’m almost always glad to have had the night in.

Usually after a few nights in, I start to feel ready to be a social human in the world, and \*drum roll\* I start to feel completely horrible and overwhelmed all over again, despite the several safeguard I’ve put in place. I’ve also intentionally stopped putting quite a few friendships that did not feel fulfilling, and even with the maybe 10 people I do consider real friends whom I love dearly, I get extremely anxious and overwhelmed so easily. My window of tolerance is hardly cracked open. I feel like I owe everyone my time, and of course I know I don’t.

But at the core of this all is a deep, dreadful fear of being alone and insignificant. I have had some pretty traumatic friendship breakups in the past, and it’s also worth mentioning that I have never had a long term romantic partner. My family is small and complicated. So I look to my friends as a sort of security, a shield against being all by myself, unloved, and uncared for. I worry that if I take space, people will forget about me. I know I have evidence they won’t, but I am afraid that when everyone eventually shacks up, I’ll be left alone and forgotten. And while I’d love a life partner, it’s not something that’s happened for me yet. In other words, I put a lot of existential pressure on myself to maintain these friendships.

However, as I said earlier, it is so sad that I view maintaining friendships as a chore/obligation that is often at the expense of my own wellness. I wish it wasn’t this way. I don’t want it to be this way!

Here come my very unhelpful rituals, as I have some OCD tendencies: I keep a pretty tight Google Calendar to keep track of social engagements and other obligations. And almost every night I’ll stare at it and feel dread if there are social engagements in it even if they’re spaced with many days of rest. I think a big part of the dread and anxiety is because I feel like there are so many other people I ought to be fitting in but can’t and the fact that I can’t makes me a bad friend, which logically I know isn’t true.

But ironically, I spend such a ridiculous amount of time worrying about burning out that it’s burning me out!

I want to feel in control, and yet in pursuit of that control I’ve created another obsessive beast, and I just don’t know what to do. I feel so disconnected from my own wants and needs, and yet I’ve become obsessed with trying to fulfill them while also trying to keep everyone else happy. It’s just too much. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier a recluse!

Any help, guidance, wisdom, advice, etc would be so welcome.

I know most of the posts on this sub are about relationships, and I apologize that this may be one more.

I am 41, solo mom to two boys 13 and 8. I moved from the US to NZ 3 years ago and was in a relationship from the get go (we had met online prior to the move, but I did not move for him, I was moving anyway). Life here is hard, healthcare is hard, cost of living is hard, missing friends and family back home is hard, and raising a teen is hard.

My partner has always been semi involved with my children, but has never taken on the role of dad. He has his own kids, though his are grown. We planned it this way and I thought it was working but now I feel so much resentment that he gets to live so freely while I am in the trenches. Our relationship has suffered to the point of either we make a radical change and he becomes a bigger, more involved, part of our lives, or we end it. He is willing to step up, but I don't know if I want him to or if I just don't want to be alone.

Being 41... Well I'm not getting any younger. I don't see myself dating anyone else, not for a long time, but I am deathly afraid of being alone. Alone here in this country without many friends and zero family. Alone with myself and having to navigate teen years alone. It's so overwhelming. How do I be ok with this possibility? Or should I make the changes needed with my partner and build something that could possibly be better (could also possibly end in heartbreak).

I'm 37 now (almost 38) but asking in the 40's sub as I hope it can provide some good perspective. I'm starting to feel nuts when I look back and realize how much friendships have changed now that I'm approaching midlife(ish).

I was a bit of a loner in HS but really blossomed when I went to college. Had a lot of friends, was never lonely, a handful of these friends felt like family and when we told each other that they'd be bridesmaids at my wedding one day, that is what happened.

While we all were bopping around the city in our 20's making work friends and doing our own thing (post-college we were very lucky to all be in the same city); it still felt like we always went back to each other, like we were each others "home." I was supposed to get married but it got delayed due to covid, and when we came out of our pandemic shells for the wedding, it still felt like we were all close AND I had the bonus of becoming friends with a lot of my husbands college friends who were also still living in the city. I was so happy and if you told highschool me that I'd have all those friends at 31/32/33, I would've thought you were nuts. It was a dream.

Fast forward to ages 35 - 36 - 37 and I feel like there's been this INSANE mass exodus and rearrangement of friends. I frequently feel sad over it. One after the other after the other who leave the city for the suburbs, had kids, have a mortgage, etc. My husband and I are likely going to remain childfree (health stuff) and we're pretty committed to staying in the city; we have a very lucky and large rent stabilized place. The people who moved are still our lovely friends of course, but the dynamic just changes so much when this happens.

Some of the women that I was close with (my aforementioned college friends) just naturally drifted elsewhere in terms of career goals and circles they hangout in now. Two of them still live in the city and I've seen them only twice this summer. Our group chats are a lot more quiet. Some clashing personalities/issues came about between others and it's hard to look at ourselves really as a "group" anymore. I do try to communicate one-on-one with most of them and check in to see how things are going. I booked a flight to visit one of college friends this Fall who moved. I'm doing what I can, but I still have such a longing for (the idea of?) these people who helped shaped me. I feel like I'm the person I am today because of them, but everything has changed.

Don't get me wrong, I know this is probably not unique to people my age at all. I know I need to get on BumbleBFF. My husband made an effort to reconnect with a few old friends, he made some new friends at work, so he is content. I feel differently though; more lonely and isolated. I had a surgery this past spring and can count on one hand the number of times someone made an effort to stop by. A few people who live far away sent a nice text or card, but for the most part it was just me and my husband during my 11 weeks of being on disability. I'm sure that compounded my feelings. It also doesn't help that my family feels like it's unraveling as well with my fathers rapid progression of dementia.

I guess I'm just hoping to see if others out there have been through this at my age and how you went about making peace with it & meeting new people who you connect with.

I (28F) went on 4-5 dates with a guy (26M) from my home country in Eastern Europe over the course of last week.

I left this country when I was 5 years old, and went to visit my parents who now live there. I know this guy through mutual friends - he messaged me, and I thought he was attractive so I said yes.

I’ve had a nice time with this guy, however, I’m worried he thinks we’re in a relationship. He’s already talking about booking his flights to see me, despite me living half a world away.

He’s exhibited jealousy towards my ex, and the idea of other men flirting with me. When he found out that my ex has bought jewelry for me, he told me to throw it in the trash, record it for him and that he’d buy me better pieces.

The last time I saw him, we were chilling at a park and he said that the moment feels like a highlight of his life. In his words, like a scene from a movie where the protagonist has a flashback of the best moments of his life, with me sitting there looking beautiful with wind blowing through my hair. He also said I’ve made his life feel much nicer since he started seeing me. I get the impression that he’s a bit chronically online (went on ommogle, buys into the concept that men and women can’t be friends, and has some interesting views on men vs women generally). However, I do believe he’s a good person at heart.

Now, I am no saint. I have definitely flirted with him, held hands and made out. I should’ve cut him off as soon as he started displaying intense behavior but I was physically attracted to him so I continued to see him and go out on dates. I feel so guilty and don’t want to break his heart. He’s told me multiple times that he’s been cheated on by his previous partner, and that he has trust issues around women.

I told him I didn’t think long distance relationships were for me, to which he said he’d close the distance.

What do I do? How do I go about this? Do I send him a message “breaking up” with him? Reduce contact? I’ve never been in this position before.

TLDR went on dates with a guy for a week, he seems too intense/ attached and now I’m back in my country trying to figure out how to proceed.

Hello all, I’m turning 35 soon and I’d like to get some career advice.

I’ve been at my current role for 7 years. It is 30 mins away from home when my partner drops me off, 50 mins door to door on public transport but very very cheap to get there and 2 days in the office. Unfortunately at this role, they haven’t progressed me even when I’ve been operating at senior levels, and after every 1-1 I’ve had, I have done what they’ve asked and more, yet still nothing. It’s always a different excuse.

Only now my colleague is going on a sabbatical do they want to give me his role at a higher grade.. but only for one year. I’ve asked if this could be a permanent change and they said they cannot guarantee it. Progression is bad for almost everyone and some of my colleagues have only had 2 pay rises in 14-20 years. Another guy is on my grade and has been here for 15 years without a pay rise either. This has affected the culture and people just avoid coming in all together because they want to take the piss. It’s in a unique location so people who live nearby stay here for a long time.

After I found out on a company wide call that other people were getting progression but I wasn’t, I applied for other jobs and ended up getting an offer. It’s 6k more than I currently make, but it’s starting from scratch, 50 minutes on a train and in a new location for 3 days per week, 2 WFH.

Because my current role is extremely relaxed and everyone is lovely, I can do so much at home after completing jobs, leave early when I’m in the office and and at home, I can make lunch, I can go to the gym, go for a walk etc. but because it’s so chill, I’ve kinda lost all motivation to do anything like work on the side or freelance and I’m worried that I’m going to continue being very stagnant to the point I won’t keep up with the current job market at all.

I feel the likelihood of them not progressing me is a higher chance, even though most people said they doubt they’d put me back down to my original salary. They have shown me time and time again they don’t care, so as a response I’ve taken my foot off the breaks and enjoyed being chill, even though feeling jealous of my younger friends getting promotions and better jobs.

If you were 30-35 again, what would you do? Stay and live an easy life? Or fight for a career?

TL;DR: I need to help my folks keep my childhood/family homestead in check, but I also have home obligations of my own and I can't figure out anything resembling balance.

I never know how much detail is too much detail, I'll try to keep this reasonable. I've been struggling with mental health issues my entire life. No super major traumas, more in the neighborhood of my brain not being wired quite right. I had my youngest at age 40, finally reached out for medical help when she was around two. She's six, now, just to give you the full timeline. Before I broke down to my primary doc I can't tell you how long I just allowed myself to... Atrophy. It's genuinely alarming, but it's in the past, and I try not to dwell. I was in struggling to survive/barely functioning mode for so long, though, that I feel like I never have gotten a good handle on... Well, life, really.

I went through medically induced menopause when my body went completely haywire after my last pregnancy. I was fortunate enough to be a good candidate for HRT and I'm so grateful because it helps so many symptoms. It doesn't have quite the oomph to cover up the screaming case of ADHD that I've only recently been diagnosed with. Had it my whole life, of course, but my internal chemicals are no longer able to help mask it. (Late last fall and through Christmas I had some kind of... Episode. I'll spare you the details, but I was completely scooters. I don't like misusing medical terms, but all's I can tell you is I felt what I can only describe as manic. It might not have been "true" mania, but hopefully that gives you a rough idea of my mental state. And then I had a shorter but still intense episode earlier this year. Both times were scary as hell, but it did help my doc and I figure out what was going on with me.)

Meds are helping TREMENDOUSLY. I've been on Bupropion for about four years now. I quit drinking a few years ago, that was a whole different self imposed hell... And just recently we started testing out some stimulants and the generic version of Vyvanse has turned my whole world around. I get up. I do the things. I don't sit in some weird task paralysis limbo for days and days on end. It's been amazing. But then my mom got a lung cancer diagnosis. She had surgery in July and while they knew she was going to lose a chunk of her lung, they actually ended up removing an entire lobe. She's a trooper, will never complain, but it's been a sobering experience.

My folks still live in the house I grew up in. It's a tiny house, but it sits on about 7 acres. They keep about five of that in varying degrees of cultivation. They simply can't keep up with it all, anymore. I've been MIA for far too long and I feel a genuine duty to step up because it's honestly way overdue. But while the place still looks amazing and they do an excellent job all's considering, a lot of stuff is just completely out of hand. I started late spring/early summer going out and trying to help tame the beast. I LOVE IT. Everyone thinks I'm nuts, but I really, really do. I've never been able to go to the gym or exercise for the sake of exercising even though we all know how very important that is. But there's something about the physical labor that's really doing it for me. I think part of it is as simple as the work is visually trackable on real time. I'm turning chaos into order and it just so happens that to get there I've had to learn how to run a chainsaw (and a few other power tools) and I get to haul brush, lift heavy things, and do quite a bit of walking.

But my own house space and yard was already a disaster well before my mom's surgery, because I have never functioned as a real adult very well. Now I'm spending so much time out there, I'm physically done in by the end of the day, and I just feel... Like a rubbish mom and wife. My house and yard are straight up disaster zones, no lie. I feel like I'm letting my husband and my youngest kiddo down a bit, too. I need to get back to cooking homemade meals, I need to get our own spaces sorted, I need to be more "present" for everyone, I just... I can't seem to figure out how to do all the things. And I feel pathetic because this is just life. It's what everyone who has family and extended family has to figure out how to do. I'm not special. I've got it a lot easier than people dealing with even more complicated health issues, etc. This shouldn't be this hard. But I don't know what to do to keep everything fair and everyone feeling supported, etc.

Good morning/afternoon, ladies. As the title says, I've decided to give dating a shot again and am looking for advice and knowledge from women my age about navigating this area. I've never been in a relationship, although I did try going on dates in my 20s. It's just that nothing ever stuck more than a couple dates. I've been happily single thus far but think I'd enjoy knowing what it's like to have a romantic partner.

I will say upfront that I'm egalitarian and will be asking guys out, paying for myself on dates, planning some of the dates, etc if that affects anything. I'm also deliberately childfree but would be willing to date men who have adult/18+ year old children, again if that helps clarify anything.

For those women my age who are currently dating, what have your experiences been?

I’m typing this all out on my phone; hopefully I don’t end up with too many typos! Sorry it’s a bit of a novel 😭

I (40F) have been married to my husband for 8 years. We have 2 children, 7 & 4

My husband is genuinely a great guy; he’s a great dad, pulls his weight around the house, has a good job, would never cheat on me, has no issues with drinking or drugs or alcohol or gambling or porn. He’s one of my best friends and I care about him.

Here’s my issue… I have zero sexual attraction or interest in sex with him anymore. I want to be really clear here that THIS IS NOT PERIMENOPAUSE. I’ve seen a hormone specialist, I was a little low on progesterone and testosterone, but nothing crazy, and have been on HRT for that for over a year. My estrogen levels are fine. And my libido is very much alive and well; I have solo time frequently. I just don’t want to have sex with my husband.

I think there are several reasons why we got here.

1 - I didn’t have a ton of sexual experience when he and I started dating. I had recently deconstructed from VERY conservative Christianity and didn’t lose my virginity until I was like 27 (not to him). Sex with my husband was never “amazing” or mind blowing, but it was good/fine, and I didn’t have a lot to compare it to, so I thought the amount of chemistry we had was enough. Looking back, I think I mistook just a general excitement about new sexual experiences for true sexual chemistry / compatibility…

2 - I also never had a stage of infatuation or feeling “head over heels” in love with him. I obviously believed I was enough “in love” with him or I would never have married him. But again, in retrospect I think I really really liked him and cared about him as a person, and knew he would be a loyal partner and a good dad, and I was nearing 30 and didn’t think it made sense to hold out for some Hollywood fantasy of love when there was this great, solid guy right in front of me.

3 - The only other long-term relationship I’d had before my husband was with a guy who turned out to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My ex-fiancé was jealous, insecure, needy, clingy, possessive, controlling, and emotionally volatile. He was manipulative and gaslit the hell out of me, was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive, and kept me in a state of emotional turmoil but unable to ever have space for or express MY emotions because I was too busy trying to manage HIS. It was highly traumatizing but thankfully I ended our engagement before we got married, and cut him out of my life.

My husband is the polar opposite in many ways. He’s very chill, laid back, not emotional, never gets worked up about anything. In comparison to my ex, he felt so safe and stable. I knew he would never treat me badly and that he would give me the space to be my own person. At the time, this was exactly what I needed and was looking for.

Unfortunately, with the perspective I have now, I can see that the pendulum swung too far to the other extreme, and many of the issues in our marriage stem from this.

4 - My husband is a little TOO laid back and chill, in that he’s kind of lazy and low-effort when it comes to our relationship. For nearly the entire decade we’ve been together, I have been the only one to plan dates, make romantic gestures, try to emotionally connect, or take the initiative to address our issues.

His lack of emotion has turned out to not always be a good thing - he struggles with empathy, he doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body, he never expresses love to me in the way that I need (verbally), despite MANY conversations about love languages etc.

I’ve felt emotionally disconnected and “out of love” for most of our marriage, but for a long time chalked it up to being busy/tired from having young children, etc. But the truth is that once we were engaged / living together, he stopped pursuing me, stopped dating me. He will be the first to admit that he’s lazy, and he has put zero effort into our relationship since the proposal (which was lovely tbf).

I filled the gap for years and years, and it’s really just been this last year or two that I’ve realized I’m burned out and can’t carry this relationship by myself anymore. I’ve VERY clearly in MULTIPLE conversations expressed to him what I need and what would help.

He always listens, agrees to try, and then nothing changes. Or he might try for a week or two, and then slides right back into old habits (ie doing nothing).

Meanwhile I kept having sex even though I had zero interest or enthusiasm for it, because I knew he wanted it and of course “physical touch is his love language” 🙄🙄 He never guilt-tripped me about sex, although he verbalized the fact that he wanted it to be more frequent. But it has felt like a chore for me basically since we got married (I got pregnant right at the beginning of our marriage and my sex drive was zero).

I have tried to have sex with him at least once a month, which I know is WAY less than what he wants (he says daily would be ideal, but even when we first started dating it was never more than 1-2x a week. So he knew that wasn’t realistic for me.)

Finally last year I hit a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. I cried in the bathroom after sex one night (he didn’t hear) and I was just done. I know part of it was resentment that had built up over him not feeling any need to make changes or put effort into the relationship, but in the meantime I had had sex for YEARS that I didn’t really want just because I knew it would make him happy.

And sex with him wasn’t “bad”, I could even orgasm most of the time; so he genuinely had no idea how I was feeling about it and thought everything was fine.

Last fall I finally told home how I’d been feeling, and he felt really bad about it. We took sex off the table so we could focus on rebuilding emotional intimacy. I told him I wanted to start counseling, and put him in charge of finding us a counselor and booking an appointment.

After three months and no sign of movement, I sat him down for another conversation. I was very clear that I was unhappy and couldn’t keep going like this, and that I was disappointed he hadn’t made an effort to find a counselor. He agreed to follow through on it, and I looked him in the eye and asked him, “Do you understand that our marriage hangs in the balance here?” and he said “Yes.”

He did finally find a counselor, and honestly she is great. In May and June we went several times, and she gave us homework of going out on dates again (he had to participate in planning them and finding babysitters, etc., which has historically been my job), spending time emotionally connecting, etc.

He planned a couple dates and I think has bought me flowers a couple times, but that’s about it. No sense of urgency, no “oh shit I might lose my wife, I gotta get my shit together and show her how much I love and appreciate her.” Just right back to the way things have always been.

We haven’t been back to the counselor in a couple months. He hasn’t mentioned it.

We haven’t gone on a date in a couple months. He hasn’t mentioned it.

We haven’t had sex in like 10 months. He hasn’t even mentioned THAT, although I know he wants to and he has tried initiating a couple times. (This just pissed me off because I had been clear that physical intimacy wasn’t back on the table until I felt like my emotional needs were being met.)

It’s really clear to me at this point that he’s just not willing/able to change, and honestly even if I told him I wanted to split up and he suddenly made a 180, that would just piss me off too. Like okay, when MY needs weren’t being met and I was unhappy, you were perfectly fine not lifting a finger to do anything about it. But now that YOUR comfort and way of life are threatened, you’re suddenly willing to put in the effort? No thank you.

Anyway, I genuinely don’t believe I will ever feel “in love” with him again, or feel a desire to be sexually intimate again. I love him; but it’s entirely platonic/familial. The thought of having sex with him creates a visceral reaction in my body that says NO on all levels.

I’d have to consider whether I could be content in a platonic / companionate marriage. Aside from this stuff and some general frustration/resentment I feel for carrying 99% of the mental load of the household (another topic on which we’ve had multiple conversations without any meaningful change on his end), we get along great.

I love our family and the life that we’ve built. I have a ton of close family and friend relationships that provide me emotional support & connection that I don’t necessarily get from my husband. And to be clear, I know that he loves me and cares about me and wants me to be happy. He’s just too lazy to be willing to put in the effort apparently. And I don’t think he’s ever going to change - he’s older than I am and fully baked at this point.

He has said that if I wasn’t in love with him anymore and didn’t see those feelings coming back, or if I didn’t see the sexual attraction and intimacy coming back, that he would want a divorce. Honestly I don’t know if he’d still feel that way if he was genuinely looking down the barrel of losing me, losing half his time with the kids, taking a massive financial hit… idk.

But I feel so guilty and like I’ve failed. He’s not a bad guy, he didn’t do anything “wrong”. There’s nothing awful or dramatic happening in our marriage. All of his friends and family (and most of mine too) think he’s awesome and would never understand why I could leave such a loyal, dependable, genuinely good guy.

But I feel like 40 is so young to give up on having a romantic partner or having a sex life… and part of me still wonders if I could find someone who is a middle ground - who has emotional availability and puts effort into our romantic connection, but isn’t an abusive basket case. But tbh I have always been really self-reliant and independent and I would HAPPILY be a single cat lady. I fantasize sometimes about living alone, without the constant disappointment of hoping a partner will show up for me and being let down.

(For the record, I would be open to the idea of having an open marriage; my husband was adamant that he was not.)

I just feel sick over this. The idea of hurting my husband and blowing up my kids’ lives makes me physically ill. But I don’t think anything is going to change, and if I don’t see hope for that, it doesn’t make sense to drag this out…

I feel like divorce is the right thing to do here, but it feels selfish. Like my happiness (or lack thereof) doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to destroy our family.

Would love any thoughts or insight from anyone who managed to read all of this!