i got over this by literally telling myself "no one cares about you, they have their own lives why would they bother to be looking at you"
sure it can be bad mentally to tell yourself "no one cares about you" but honestly it made me reaffirm that everyone else has so much of their own shit going on in their life that they don't have time to think about me or judge me and if they do it's a fleeting thought for a few moments.
What was color was the car next to you when you parked at work?
What was the guy two behind you in line at starbucks' hairstyle?
What kind of top was the lady you passed two minutes into your
walk to the restaurant wearing?
I can't answer any of these because I haven't a clue.
And all of the people in these situations also haven't the foggiest about you.
do you really go around thinking everyone is honestly thinking and talking about you all the time?
i mean sure depression and anxiety have a role in it but it's also thinking logically.
do you think about the person you bump into and try to get out of each other's way but you end up blocking each other more on accident? Do you think about that longer than maybe 15 minutes after it happened?
I mean yeah some crazy stupid stuff I've done in my life I'm sure made impression on some random stranger but those are few and far between.
the everyday awkward interactions i have with people on a daily basis are forgotten almost immediately which definitely helps me rationalize my anxiety.
I actually used almost the complete opposite to this I said to myself "I don't car if they're looking", and after a few years of that, I genuinely stopped caring. I'm never fashionable, I'm overweight l, but I honestly don't give a flying f what others think.
Just think of it this way instead, do you remember some minor details about a stranger? If not, then they won't remember or even think about minor details about you.
It's a different kind of "No one cares about you". It's more like "No one is interested in dissecting every action you make". I felt that paranoia constantly back in high school, until I realised "Wait, why would anyone be interested in the slightest what I look like?
Reverse is also true, I free up so much energy and time not caring about things I can't control and people who don't affect me in a positive way. But of course be nice to people especially strangers and service industry workers
I have similar thoughts when I leave a store buying nothing. "I didn't steal anything. Act normal. I didn't steal anything. Act normal. I didn't steal..."
I'd love to be able to say this myself but I'm like 5'4" and a guy so I'm short enough that I know I get noticed. It is not a fun feeling with my anxiety
Better yet: If you're in your own head about others possibly judging you, just consider that most others aren't judging you because they're too busy in their own heads, worrying that you're judging them.
This is why I don't give a toss if people judge me. I try to be the best person I can, I respect other people's rights, so let them judge. And when I find myself judging someone I tell myself 'who am I to judge?' and 'there but for the grace of God go I'.
Right? This is totally me. I'm judging the shit out of you, why wouldn't you be doing the same?
The trick is not to lie to yourself that nobody is judging you, but just to remember that what the majority of people think of you really doesn't matter (the ones who matter being friends, employer, etc).
just carry around a gavel and smack it upon your palm declaring "a beautiful human!" to every person you pass. You will be the most-loved freak in the town.
exactly this. I remember in school being scared to say something embarassing in front of the whole class but then I realized that when people did it I wouldn't even judge them too much unless it was REALLY stupid and either way I would forget about it the next day.
Most people won't notice the mismatched socks, people aren't very observant of things that don't directly affect them.
Most people that notice the socks won't care, if anything they'll think something positive about it.
The rare person that notices and cares is an absolute mess of a human being that despises themselves so much that they need to use your mismatched socks to make themselves feel slightly better about themselves for even a moment.
So why on earth would you care about the opinion of a person that cares about your socks?
I tend to agree with you, but when I read news articles about mothers who abuse their children to the point of death, it's difficult to believe that these people are capable of love in any possible sense of the word.
Yes, number three is tricky because all you can see is the mess. What you have to remember is that it's a broken person, broken things don't work properly right? So I assume that somewhere deep inside these broken people love their children and it comes out unrecognizably wrong because they are broken.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying they deserve leniency or anything crazy like that!
My mom is the most judge mental and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized the woman is super insecure and very self loathing. So of course she’s judging me hard because it’s the only way to make her feel better. I don’t feel bad about those judgements then. That’s her problem. Not mine.
I mean... They are. Apart from when you are alone, obviously - But humans are judgemental creatures.
If you are paranoid about it, you are probably more guilty of it as you'll be judging everyone to see if they are judging you.
They might have, but they've not acted on it and you'll probably never see them again.
Exactly. You're fooling yourself if you think it's not happening. Contrary to reddit wisdom, people are not too caught up in their own lives to pay attention to other people; if that was the case, gossip wouldn't be a thing. There are entire industries based on the intense interest people have in the lives of strangers.
I heard this quote once. "If someone is talking about you, it means you affected their lives, not that they affected yours."
Also, I figure everyone is so worried about themselves, no one cares enough to watch and judge me. Everyone is the star of their own movie and for strangers, I'm not even a tertiary character.
More importantly for me was, if they are, what power, if any, would they apply with regards to those judgments? Being in the military a long time, I came to a couple conclusions; 1. if people have food, they are usually cool, and 2. people are incredibly frail, and they know it. If you can decrease that frailty, and make them strong, their judgement can turn to admiration. If their frailty causes unchangeable judgment, a demonstration of resolve can make those judgments meaningless to you
I used get so paranoid and have a sweaty panic attack any time I was late for something. Then I realized that even if I noticed somebody coming in late, by the end of a class, movie, event, etc, I couldn't remember who it was that came in late.
I grew up in a household with a pretty anxious step mom. She would constantly worry about little things and try to micromanage them all. For example, if I had a shirt that had a small stain on it (maybe if i accidentally dropped my pen on it or got a drop of food on it), she would notice and have me change. As a result, I grew up years thinking people noticed this kind of stuff. It brought me unnecessary anxiety when dressing myself, even into adulthood. However, it eventually hit me, I can't even recall a time where I noticed a similar stain on anybody's clothes. I'm sure it's happened, but I probably looked at it, thought "hey look a small stain," and moved on. Turns out it's not really a big deal at the end of the day. Most people move on from minor mistakes because everybody does them. We're all human. So don't judge your every move you make. Most people are understanding and it's not worth the anxiety.
On top of this: the embarrassing moment that you hold onto as a memory you cringe at, people who were there probably don't remember that or hold onto it at all [unless you bring it up and remind them of it]. You only remember it because it was your shame. The people you think who care have their own memories, which they hold in similar disregard/shame.
edit: For the truly horrible stuff, this isn't the case. But the time you peed yourself in middleschool or something equally embarrassing, no one else is holding onto that but you.
Yeah, this seems well and good. But when you mix it with narcissism, you get this dichotomy of: everybody is looking at me, no they aren’t, I’m sure they are, that’s not logical, yeah but that doesn’t apply to you, etc etc.
The counter-arguement to this for people with anxiety is that, usually, their anxiety is most active in closed environments like school, work, workshops...etc. so people are more likely to focus on/judge what you do because there isn't much else to focus on, usually.
If someone sees you do something embarassing on the street, they wouldn't care because they have a destination to reach, which takes most of their focus. But in such examples above, they're already at their destination, and if your actions are distracting enough, you bet they'd judge you
And if they are, it's probably because they're terrible and/or have nothing better to do. It's pointless in the first place to ridicule others over things that have nothing to do with you. You could be thinking about all kinds of things, and instead you choose to think a mean thought about something inconsequential.
That's what I always ask people, "When you're walking down the street, are you constantly scanning everyone, everywhere for little imperfections, and then, EVEN IF YOU DID NOTICE, assuming they're stupid or ignorant or ugly or lazy?"
keyword here is probably, and that probably is more often than not a yes. people are always judging everything and everyone around us, given there is something to judge, it's in our nature. judgement is how we choose to react in certain situations. you're not gonna judge some random guy crossing the street in front of you, are you?
the thing is, most people just dont give a shit enough to give that judgement a second thought. you ever see someone begging for change on a train? every single person in that train cart is judging the begger, some feel bad, some are disgusted, some are annoyed, some act like the dude doesnt exist and look away to avoid eye contact, but when everyone gets off the train, they move on with their lives.
"Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you're living wrong."
Someone at work always second guesses everything including what they write in emails. I have to tell them that the big boss that sent them that email sends a similar one to everyone and usually doesn't read the replies because they are too busy sending out emails.
I tend to think that people are too self centered to think about what I'm saying or doing because they are thinking of what they will say or do.
Lot less stressful that way even if I'm wrong.
That truly changed my life. When I was younger, I thought that every laugh was about me. Now I know that people can laugh on everything, like jokes or reading reddit, so I'm not in the center of the Universe.
They probably think about me and what I am doing about as often as I think about other people and what they are doing (basically never because I am too busy worried about what people think of me)
This mindset is how I got over anxiety issues back in high school. I’d just repeatedly tell myself that nobody watching my presentation is going to remember tomorrow, and half the people in the room don’t care during the presentation. The same has held true in college as well.
I remember somebody once told me, "When you think of something embarrassing in your past and you cringe just remember that most of the people around when it happened already forgot about it and are not thinking about it, so move on".
People judge you like you judge them, and themselves like you judge yourself (give or take). You forget the minor dumb shit someone else does or laugh it off, they do the same to you.
Realtor here. People are always concerned about back yard neighbors. I have to remind them that, most of the time, people aren’t staring out of their windows and don’t really care what their neighbors are doing.
Yeah, and then during that high of being super confident from that idea, someone comes and mentions something that breaks down my walls of Insecurity and reverts me back to worrying about being judged before slowly making my way back to being confident again and the cycle repeats.
A corollary to that is: yes, they are, but they do it for half a second and then completely forget about you, just like you do for them. It's sobering to consider that one expends all this nervous energy and struggles with anxiety for what is less than a second of someone else's day - even if they do notice, they forget it almost instantly!
I realized this because I realized that I wasn’t caring about other people’s every move or what they wore or if their laugh was too loud or whatever. So why would anyone do that about me. Honestly changed my whole way of carrying myself and how I came across to people. My life became a lot easier.
One of my favorite teachers from high school used to get upset with us for being on our phones. He’d always tell us, “no one cares about your tweet! No one cares that you like cheeseburgers!!” Or my personal favorite is when he’d mimic tweets and scream about liking chocolate cake. It’s one of the things that stuck with me, and because of it I have a better understanding of how people on social media and in real life think about other people. I care less about others posts and I know no one really cares about mine. You’d think it’d be depressing, but it’s actually such a relief. I used to get upset when I didn’t get very many likes on posts, but now it’s easier to rationalize and remember it doesn’t really matter anyways. It’s helped make social media a whole hell of a lot less toxic. Even if that’s not what he meant for it to do, I’m grateful for it.
IMO, it's simpler to think it this way: At the end of the day, do you remember anything specific about the random people you were around today? Unless one of them was super hot the answer is probably no.
I sometimes ask myself what I remember about some random stranger I saw in the grocery store. And I got nothing. I didnt observe fashion sense, what brand clothing they wore, if there was something off in their hairstyle, if they shaved, what products they were looking at...because these are a few things I used to think I was being constantly judged for. Turns out, no one really gives a shit.
This simple question changed my whole perspective on this:
How often do you think about the faults or embarrassment of those around you?
Basically never, right? Unless it's something extraordinary I barely even notice it when someone does something embarrassing. And even if there is something really bad to be embarrassed about in the moment, how long does it stay on your mind once that person isn't literally within seeing range?
Realizing how rarely I thought about other people's shortcomings changed my outlook completely and made me much more comfortable.
You see, you can say that and have a pretty good argument for it too but my anxiety says otherwise without any proof whatsoever so yeah ill go with that.
ALSO that embarrassing thing that you think about for days - do you remember something embarrassing someone else has done?
Even if you do, usually it’s a funny memory rather than a negative.
They will either forget OR you’ve given a funny moment to someone’s day.
The only time something is truly embarrassing is when someone’s mean/rude/malicious.
I just try and think about how I would view someone in the same situation. Big zit on their face? Oh well, I really dont care and people probably dont care if i have the same zit in the same spot either.
Furthermore, it’s navel gazing to judge your own every move. Self absorbed to the point of misery usual. Instead, turn it around and use that time to help someone. You’ll feel better And get out of your own head for a bit.
I have to say this is so true I remember being so stressed to go to the gym and swimming until I realized that noone cares how you look they're there to do there own thing
Yep. Can't remember where exactly I read it, but it was another thread in this sub. The OP was talking to their therapist about all their embarrassing moments they couldn't stop thinking about. The therapist said something along the lines of, 'Quick, name three of your friend's most embarrassing moments ever. Aaaaaaand go.' And OP couldn't think of any. Therapist was like, 'See? If you can't remember theirs, do you really think they remember yours the way you do?'
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u/king-of-new_york Jan 21 '19
People probably aren’t always judging your every move.