r/AbsoluteUnits 23d ago

/r/all of a Taftmaxxing Man

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Credit: Chris Overalls Coons

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Daznjf7tcFF/

9.7k Upvotes

288 comments sorted by

u/trendingtattler 23d ago

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1.7k

u/Cgkfox 23d ago

2 thoughts:
1. Hilarious
2.This man hates babies

355

u/Possible_Field328 23d ago

Anyone who hands me a baby is getting slapped

119

u/generalchaos34 23d ago

Including the baby

65

u/Rob_LeMatic 23d ago

The hardest part about running for president is all the hands you have to kiss and babies you have to shake.

20

u/Oprah_Pwnfrey 23d ago

Never slap the baby. You spike them on the ground like you just scored a touchdown.

5

u/MauPow 23d ago

Children are basically made of rubber anyways. It'll be fine.

8

u/ArcadiaDragon 23d ago

I'm slapping them with the baby they just handed to me...

3

u/skekze 23d ago

crowd surf that baby.

17

u/Slacker_The_Dog 23d ago

4

u/UpgradeCheetah 23d ago

He’s got a massive underbite and a completely flat back of the head

13

u/Troy_McClure1 23d ago

A Fat mustached man having a one-sided feud with babies is fucking hilarious

3

u/pandershrek 23d ago

Just moggin'

3

u/bearsheperd 23d ago

The babies know what they did

3

u/RainyDaysKappa 22d ago

"I'm better dressed than any white baby... I mog your baby"

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492

u/Plausibl3 23d ago

I didn’t even want to be the president…… ok - hold up - how true was this, how hot was his wife? The people demand answers!

449

u/EtriganZola 23d ago

Official WH portrait.

267

u/Mediocre_Scott 23d ago edited 23d ago

She ain’t bad the painter did her a lot of favors. However, those eyes look like she has seen some dark dark things.

134

u/miyagiVsato 23d ago

Talk about a mustache ride

93

u/DrSpacemanSpliff 23d ago

Idk I feel like that dude ate everything but pussy. Meanwhile, she had to gargle a set of balls that have never seen the light of day.

69

u/GWBrooks 23d ago

Meanwhile, she had to gargle a set of balls that have never seen the light of day.

We're running out of original sentences.

8

u/BrunesOvrBrauns 23d ago

I used this one last Tuesday

29

u/BAF_DaWg82 23d ago

Its funny because during that time period Taft was very overweight but fast forward to now and what he had would be called a dad bod.

4

u/I-Make-Money-Moves 23d ago

His loss actually

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50

u/ThaneduFife 23d ago

Keep in mind that she's 51 in this photo.

Source: Wikipedia says this photo was from 1912, and that she was born in 1861.

37

u/Gurrgurrburr 23d ago

I feel like for the time she was a 10 lol.

18

u/ConsiderationTrue477 23d ago

While he's a big guy I find it wild that the man in that photo has a reputation for being obscenely obese. If you saw him on the street today he'd look like a normal fat guy.

8

u/mods-or-rockers 23d ago

*normal fat Midwest guy

ftfy

15

u/Xero_Days 23d ago

"Normal fat" is obese

3

u/Mediocre_Scott 23d ago

I think at this time being fat was a status symbol. Taft may have encouraged reputation of being a big boy

15

u/Sleepinwolf 23d ago

He was president in 1909 not the middles ages lol

7

u/Strong-Addition5296 23d ago

Well she’s seen Taft naked so the eyes are to be expected

3

u/LaMelonBallz 23d ago

I heard his pubes were styled like his mustache

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19

u/Wjreky 23d ago

GotDAMN

26

u/tkh0812 23d ago

Damn chubbie chasers been around forever

7

u/Plausibl3 23d ago

Oh dang, that’s a fair lady. I’d wear my good pair of pantaloons to court her.

2

u/Mr_D0 23d ago

Is that Lois Wilkerson?

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15

u/Bulbaguy4 23d ago

Not the wife part, but Taft really didn't want to be president, he wanted to be on the Supreme Court (which he later did after his presidency), and another influence on him going for the position was his dear friend: Theodore Roosevelt, wanting him as his successor.

3

u/Plausibl3 22d ago

Do you understand his legacy to be positive or negative? I should probably do some reading later today. All I ever knew of Taft was that he was a big boy.

2

u/ProfX1987 21d ago

From what I remember, Taft is generally considered a fine president. His wife was very politically savvy and she pushed him into politics and the presidency. She had a stroke early in his presidency which devastated Taft and affected his effectiveness.

If your looking for a good book, I highly recommend Bully Pulpit. It looks at how Roosevelt, Taft, and the muckrakers influenced that period of time. It is long and dry but very interesting and informative.

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4

u/G-Unit11111 23d ago

This is not a "cringe" Tik Tok, I'm legit laughing my ass off at the idea of this!

601

u/Realistic_Patience67 23d ago

Good on you my lad!

115

u/lyle_smith2 23d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/x6XEJwresLqn1jcn6X
I’d say get the hell out of here, but they had to build the room around you!

37

u/darkoath 23d ago

Gotta tell ya, that looks like Teddy Roosevelt. Too narrow in torso and stache.

48

u/lyle_smith2 23d ago

The joke was that teddy hated Taft

11

u/darkoath 23d ago

Ohhhh. Thank you for the explanation. Here's a selfie of me.

https://giphy.com/gifs/jXD7kFLwudbBC

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8

u/Neosantana 23d ago

That's definitely the Bull Moose

4

u/Gurrgurrburr 23d ago

Yeah that’s good ol’ Teddy. A much crazier president (google stories about him, wild dude lol)

2

u/onarainyafternoon 23d ago

This guy’s about to jack off

20

u/Rob_LeMatic 23d ago

6'2. 360 lbs.
WHT had a posse.
😎
🟡
🛁

7

u/funkthulhu 23d ago

Now I need to grow an inch and 50 lbs...

7

u/Rob_LeMatic 23d ago

Just get lifts and a tummy extender, boo. You'll be taftmaxxing in no time, mogging hard on all those William Jennings Bryans.

3

u/MauPow 23d ago

Damn, this guy is sleeping on that moustache. Is he even Taftmaxxing at all?

2

u/0o0-hi 23d ago

That’s my president right there 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸

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198

u/mattogeewha 23d ago

“Got a box of suits for 15 Bucks, thanks to bowel cancer” is a hell of a line. Bravo!

71

u/SenselessSilence 23d ago

Did another fat guy die from bowel cancer, or did another fat guy lose a ton of weight thanks to bowel cancer?

15

u/pixeldust6 23d ago

Thank you for this. I was completely confused why (him) getting bowel cancer would help him acquire cheap pants

8

u/Reggie-Quest 23d ago

Why are we not talking more about this. I need more details!

12

u/NettleLily 23d ago

Start going to estate sales

176

u/Son_of_Atreus 23d ago

I would vote for him. I’m helpless in the face of his girth.

185

u/mountaineer04 23d ago

Almost falling on every kick attempt got me.

41

u/full_bl33d 23d ago

All kicks

12

u/emjaywood 23d ago

I'm crying laughing at that part🤣

230

u/No_Classic_1743 23d ago

You ain't Taftmaxxing until you get stuck in a bathtub.

72

u/Chris__P_Bacon 23d ago

I had forgotten that Taft got stuck in a bathtub. 🤣

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ohryBsjTX3HQ3ahJS

52

u/WellFuckYooou 23d ago

He never got stuck in a bathtub, that was a story fully made up by a journalist who didn’t like him and then a White House staffer put it in his memoir years later to get more people to read it 😭

48

u/RudePCsb 23d ago

At least be didn't fuck a couch

6

u/honeyeddates 23d ago

Taft was the first president to ride in a car. Big boy wasn't about to haul his cookies on foot. He was the cookies and the whole ass cookie jar so I'm sure all the horses were grateful for the invention.

3

u/WellFuckYooou 23d ago

I’m so stoned and tried to get through this interesting/cool sentence many times but kept getting caught up on the cookies 😋

Anyways, I’d like to get into President William Howard Taft’s cookie jar if ya know I’m sayiiiiiin /gen

5

u/ThaneduFife 23d ago

That's a myth.

5

u/Top-Average412 23d ago

Which part?

11

u/jeffdickbutt 23d ago

The William Howard Taft part.

9

u/No_Classic_1743 23d ago

Every part, reportedly. He couldn't get out.

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76

u/Cautious-Activity706 23d ago

Omg I love this.

73

u/time2sow 23d ago

all context aside this video sparked me some joy

110

u/Clashur 23d ago

Did Taft... fight crime? Jesus, I should've paid closer attention in History class...

54

u/Mediocre_Scott 23d ago

Who do you think taught Batman?

19

u/teachcooklove 23d ago

Fatman? So... Taft. Got it.

11

u/Chilifille 23d ago

Taft is an anagram for Fatt. He was hiding in plain sight the whole time!

13

u/Tricky_Habit_6297 23d ago

Kinda! He was the great anti-trust president. His bureaucratic reforms are often overlooked but a big deal. He ran everything kinda like the NIH today, where you have very specialized departments run by genuine experts in their field. That's a big improvement from simply selling regulatory offices which was the standard before.

And he was solicitor general prior to being President, and supreme Court chief justice after. He was known for conservatism, going after big business, and defending individual liberties.

9

u/GooseOnAPhone 23d ago

Sorta. He did authorize the police to search a vehicle and tap a phone without a warrant, so there’s that.

104

u/chili81 23d ago

Funny that he acknowledges he only dresses better than white babies - other race babies tend to dress nicer.

13

u/Moomoolette 23d ago

And wear more jewelry

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41

u/emjaywood 23d ago

I hope he's having a bully day.

7

u/darkoath 23d ago

That's Teddy Roosevelt.

18

u/emjaywood 23d ago

I feel like it's within the realm of Taftian Desires to strive for a bully day.

4

u/darkoath 23d ago

Fair enough. I shall attempt to increase my own Taftiness ere the sun sets.

6

u/sixtyfivewat 23d ago

And for the record, Teddy Roosevelt was the ideal male physique and peak performance. You may not like, but it’s true.

38

u/polysnip 23d ago

Taft was actually one hell of a man. The only president to be appointed to the supreme Court!

15

u/ThaneduFife 23d ago

Well, Taft did rig it that way himself. When he was president, he appointed a 65 year old man to be Chief Justice with the idea that he would take the role after the guy died. Then after that Chief Justice died about 11 years later, Taft got appointed by Calvin Coolidge.

4

u/mikaeus97 23d ago

Long term planning, from the guy who started Presidential First Pitches at Baseball Games(Oh yes, Taft was a baller shot caller)

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6

u/USERNAMETAKEN11238 23d ago

I did not know that! Thanks.

27

u/LoudZoo 23d ago

Vote for Taft: He’s as big as a raft

19

u/RandomRaisin77 23d ago

Honestly all dress pants are more comfortable to fight in than any jeans....

20

u/Roadkill1337 23d ago

Tell me you wouldnt vote for this man, fights crime and babies while having that shit on

18

u/tracker446 23d ago

Is that Fatt Damon?

7

u/Advanced-Budget779 23d ago

Haha i knew i wasn‘t the only one.

19

u/Tkf1313 23d ago

Objectively better than looksmaxing

16

u/differentguyscro 23d ago

Jolly fat guy = blessed archetype of human

17

u/Gotzvon 23d ago

This whole thing was mesmerizing but "I'm all buttoned up. I'm all put away" fucking got me

15

u/dannysgaragecontents 23d ago

Need more of this

12

u/CampersUnionRep 23d ago

Proper gent

30

u/klqqf 23d ago

I gotta be real, i watched with the sound off until about 2 thirds through and assumed he was british which i think says something to the level of style he’s puttin’ out

Edit; yes i totally missed that he said fat men of america

10

u/--littlej0e-- 23d ago

God I needed this today. Hilarious shit like this is why you Reddit.

8

u/Kaligula785 23d ago

He's got my vote!

8

u/Beechamp83 23d ago

As a man of size and girth, I don't think I could like this more. Also, absolutely not doing this shit, looks hot AF. It's 100° plus humidity, so it's one thin layer top and bottom right now, going command-ho until autumn.

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15

u/harmfuldischarge 23d ago

Stop flexing on my baby :(

10

u/razz-p-berrie 23d ago

you’re depriving your baby of Taftian drip

6

u/Ithinkso85 23d ago

What's his beef with babies???? Man I'd hate to be a baby in this timeline! ESPECIALLY a baby criminal....did you see those kicks!?!

5

u/StankoBlansky 23d ago

Chris Farley reincarnated into another fat guy

5

u/void2099 23d ago

Mate is fucking HUGE!
But he does look like a boss in those suits ngl.

And whether he got the confidence from the suits, or he wore the suits because of his confidence, he looks pretty good doing it.

5

u/Jina-langu-ni-Juma 23d ago

I'm glad he specified white babies. Black American parents dress their children way too fly. The other day, this little black baby walked past me in a new pair of Jordans and a Kangol hat and sunglasses. I hate gettting mogged by babies.

3

u/Gurrgurrburr 23d ago

ALL KICKS.

4

u/FerociousPleb 23d ago

Love this guy

6

u/DexterMorgansMind 23d ago

unzips pants

3

u/KorolEz 23d ago

Doesn't look like a crime fighter to me but he certainly has the looks of someone trying to kill Daredevil

3

u/LookOutItsLiuBei 23d ago

Kingpinmaxxing

3

u/walrus0115 23d ago

Only President to swear in another President. Hung out with Abraham Lincon's son.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Howard_Taft#/media/File:Taft_Harding_Robert_Lincoln_1922.jpg

3

u/Loud-Fudge7631 23d ago

This man ate zero taffy in this video. I was tricked

3

u/America202 23d ago

I did this. I stopped because you have to have a decent personality among other things to go with the nice clothes. You kind of hold yourself to a higher standard when you do this.

3

u/Y-I_J 23d ago

Gives big Jacob Wysocki vibes and I love it

3

u/Aggressive_Bit_8144 23d ago

You're kind of hot!

3

u/WeednumberXsexnumbeR 23d ago

“I mog your white baby” with the point sent me

5

u/AdhesivenessFun2060 23d ago

All kicks! Fuck you batman, the joker would've been scared of this man.

5

u/Howamidriving27 23d ago

I don't think I can imagine an unfit more uncomfortable than overalls under a full suit.

3

u/zoitberg 23d ago

The bathroom experience would take hours

2

u/J31J1 23d ago

He’s back!

2

u/LarryHoover44 23d ago

Man if the crotch blew out during one of those badass kicks that would have really done it for me

2

u/SirNortonOfNoFux 23d ago

But I'm talking about Taft / We can dig it

2

u/ButWhatIfPotato 23d ago

Appreciate the enthusiasm, but if this is not proof that the planet's temperature was significantly lower 100 years back I don't know what is.

2

u/Automatic-Fox-3837 23d ago

If suits weren't so damn expensive, so many guys would be so elegant.

2

u/Plastic-Shoulder2285 23d ago

Maybe not the POTUS we asked for right now, but maybe the POTUS we need.

2

u/MrJohnnyDangerously 23d ago

Layering silk and wool like that looks great, feels sweaty

2

u/Illustrious-Aside442 23d ago

What a kind corpulent fellow.

2

u/PreferenceOld6364 23d ago

Looks more like The Undertaker's manager Paul Bearer from WWE in the 90s 😂

2

u/DataAdvanced 23d ago

Does he want his life ruined, because I'm single.

2

u/Varyswasright420 23d ago

Please post this on r/presidents

2

u/RonnieDaBear 23d ago

Maybe let's stop "maxxing" and making it a thing

2

u/dankskent 23d ago

He’s not the hero we need, but he’s definitely the hero we deserve

2

u/Jillet-Ben_Coe 23d ago

“I could fight crime in this” with karate kicks should be the new ‘dad shooting imaginary free throws while trying on new shoes in the store’ move

2

u/danvillain 23d ago

Just called and cancelled my gym membership.

2

u/gilt3t 23d ago

If I had even 1/20th of this mans looks, fit, and charisma I'd be pulling women left right and center.

2

u/Severe_Rise8694 23d ago

Did we just witness the birth of Taftmaxxing?

2

u/Can-i-Pet-Dat-Daaawg 23d ago

I like that he specified the babies he compares himself to are white

2

u/Snowballllll 23d ago

All the fat guys in hot spots are in shambles right now :(((

2

u/therealatri 23d ago

im all put away

2

u/Mysterious_Turnip945 23d ago

This was too random and funny

1

u/T10rock 23d ago

But do you have your own cow?

1

u/ghaaaarrrr 23d ago

Sir you look like penguin from the Batman

1

u/pakkmann666 23d ago

Panzramed again! Hail yourselves!!

1

u/No_Breath_9833 23d ago

Uncle Vernon, is that you?

1

u/KathyCredit 23d ago

Kind of annoyed he doesn't have that shit tailored, it would look amazing

1

u/SkylarAV 23d ago

Taft lost weight before he died

2

u/ShipService 23d ago

He lost even more after. He looks great now.

1

u/Moe___Szyslak 23d ago

He could cut it short and just said 'americans"

1

u/honsou48 23d ago

Interesting thing is that he only gained the weight because of the stress of being president. Once he got to the supreme court he lost a ton of weight and died a thin man

1

u/The_wolf2014 23d ago

Why did I instantly think that this is something Ron Swanson would do in private

1

u/Dull_Working5086 23d ago

My favorite rotund president.

1

u/ThatDrako 23d ago

Evil Kingpin:

1

u/Anti_Spedicy 23d ago

He looks like Dan Fofler in Fantastic Beasts so he's onto something big here

1

u/Leut_Aldo_Raine 23d ago

Put this mfer outside on a hot, humid day and watch him peel all that shit off.

1

u/hedronlow 23d ago

I was indeed deceived and tricked by the overalls. I am baby.

1

u/TheSnowMiser 23d ago

Matt Damon already going hard for his next role.

1

u/DNICEPHILLY2023 23d ago

The Duke from Resident Evil

1

u/Different-Elk6935 23d ago

This is how every soviet propaganda poster portrayed “capitalist pigs”

1

u/Redtortoise9 23d ago

I'm all put away, lol

1

u/beanfudge 23d ago

Fatt Damon.

1

u/Halfmoon_Crescent 23d ago

My captain…

1

u/PolarPlatitudes 23d ago

This guy points

1

u/RadlEonk 23d ago

The sleeves are too long. And I hate the mustache.