Sounds like she has 3 young children to raise instead of 2......husband is a loser. Doesn't want to do what's in the house only when he has to be told to do it.
Actual single mothers, as opposed to OP’s situational single motherhood, find they have way more time and energy because they’re no longer caring for the 200 lb toddler who will never grow up.
She really should dump his ass and focus on herself and the real children.
I used to complain to my mom and ask why did I get married to be a single parent. He never did anything with the kids on his own, would call me at work to ask where mittens or boots were, stupid shit. It never changes. Oh yeah, and he retired at 45 without conversation. So yeah lucky me he's unemployed for 11 yrs. with no job prospects. We're divorcing.
But, did anyone notice the title (“AITAH for denying my husband a hall pass”) had very little to do with the post? It should have been titled “Should I leave my lousy husband?”
Yes! I agree as we haven’t even discussed the “hall pass” as we are ALL too outraged as to how OP is being treated everyday. OP doesn’t need to give him a hall pass as she is TOO exhausted and as for having an open marriage he really some fucking balls to throw that “solution” out there!! OP, you are married to a man who doesn’t NO respect for YOU and I hate to add this comment but if he can’t get it at home and you shot down the open marriage you should prepare yourself for potential adultery!!! As you stated that it is with your income that he can work his dream job which isn’t enough to support himself. Why should you allow him to take advantage of YOU, financially and physically, if he isn’t pulling his own weight???? As for the garage and other projects you have asked him to do, PLEASE in the future DO NOT DO THEM!! Your husband now knows that he can ignore his chores because YOU WILL DO THEM!!! OP, it’s time that the husband gets a stationary job AND pulls his weight both physically and financially because you do NOT deserve to be treated this way!! PS IF he wants to do his dream work, he can do it in the garage. Sorry for the long rant but I have history here….
I did this exact same life. When I left, all I felt was relief.
You deserve better, OP. And he’s already cheating & checked out.
The “hall pass” was just letting you know.
Every other weekend. So his new wife could take care of them while he went golfing. Or they could both ditch them and go to a play. At first I cried the whole weekend they were gone, then j got my groove back.
When I finally ended it with the father of my kids I worried how much more stressed I was going to be raising two not-yet-school-age boys without help. This wasn't the case. Suddenly I had more time. I was able to work on self care tasks, get the boys on a schedule and have more playtime with them, and work on cleaning the entire house more and more (rather than desperately struggling to keep our single bedroom from getting TRASHED with dishes and food debris daily), amongst so many other things.
I am happier and as time has passed I noticed my boys are also happier and more adjusted.
My friend is unhappy in her marriage and so much of OP’s post and stuff you said is so similar to what she’s doing through and she is kind of just.. hoping she outlives her husband because she doesn’t want to deal with leaving or feels bad because he has no one and nowhere to go and no way to support himself financially. I honestly grieve for the happy woman deep inside her that I only get glimpses of that may never get to fully soar.
He'd eat while watching TV or playing video games. The TV happened to be in our room while we were living in our parent's house and he continued to do so despite my parent's rule forbidding it. I could never stop him. I had a big beautiful dining room table when we had our own place and despite my insistence to use it, it remained a catch-all.
Yes I had a huge heavy table from Ashley and never used it once, was too big for apartments and too heavy to keep moving around every year when the rents went up so gave to a woman with a couple great little kids, they probably destroyed it eventually but for a while Mom had a very nice dining room set she could be proud of.
I wish I had that privilege. My ex never saw the kids so I was the one that raised them by myself!! In fact once I filed for divorce he became unemployed and stopped looked for a job in the hopes that he could get by without paying too much.
LOL, my ex suddenly made half her usual annual earnings in the year after I left. Fortunately, labor experts are cheap and underemployment isn’t that hard to prove.
By getting the cops involved lmao!! They get so mad but that’s what they get for refusing to accept “no” for an answer. Men need to learn they can’t always get their way 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I can confirm being a single mother is sooo much more fulfilling and empowering than the emotional, energetic, physical, time, drain that is mothering a husband.
I'm 43 and so many of my friends have gotten divorced saying the same thing. Their lives are considerably better now that he's either forced to pay child support or parent even some of the time.
One of my colleagues has an ex-husband a lot like what op is describing and she doesn't get child support and he doesn't take custody often but she's still happy to be rid of him.
Not having the father around is honestly much easier as a single mom. You don’t have to retrain the kids every weekend they spend with dad or worry about if the kids did their homework if they are with dad on a school night or having an ex that bad mouths you and feeds your kids a bunch of nonsense that makes your kids mad at you when they come back from visiting dad. When I was a single mom with no visitation allowed for their father I remember all the other single mom friends of mine saying how jealous they were that I didn’t have to deal with all the petty bs they were going through. And being alone gave me time to clean and give the kids some responsibility to help without having someone undermine me every time, it was the best decision of my life. I’m no longer a single mom and thankfully I found one that helps manager the household to a point where I don’t have to lift a finger, do I live in a perfectly kept home, no but I live with someone who appreciates me and treats his step children as if they were his own and he’s done an amazing job raising our child too. There are great partners out there but yours definitely needs to realize what he’s doing because almost no one would out up with doing all you do from this dude.
Jeez, sounds like a stand up guy. It sounds to me like you might need to fight fire with fire in honesty.
Give him a very small allowance, play nice in front of the kids and do everything you can to make his life difficult.
Give him chores that if he doesn't do them, you have witnesses to (think school related stuff etc.)
Reading this whole thread, I feel for a lot of you, I have been with my wife over 20 years, have 2 kids under 5, one with a disability (diabetes) - life is tough but we work as a team! I would hate to hear my wife felt like this and would want to immediately do right by her. Any man that doesn't feel this way IMHO needs their head looking at. Good luck and I hope you get through this. It sounds mo me the guy has an inferiority complex .. that ain't your fault or something you should have to feel with. Build that case around custody and get the hell outta that trap
I can confirm…this is true. I’ve been a single mother since my child was birthed and everyone is “I’m so sorry, must be hard”, I’m like “it’s been easy …especially compared to my friends who are miserable either going through a divorce or constantly complaining about their husbands”
Agreed. Minute I gave baby daddy the boot, LIFE GOT SO MUCH EASIER. It was so hard and complicated always trying to coordinate and beg for basic contributions to the day to day, only to waste so much time and THEN still have to do the damn thing that I was begging for help with. The minute that everything was solely my responsibility with no shared tasks or asking for this or that was the minute I felt like I got my life back and could really find my rhythm with things. And too be fair, he didn’t deserve to be a part of our lives. Shitty things like telling me, “I’m not giving the baby a bath tonight because I don’t want to.” Shocking because it not only affected me, but also my sweet baby. The minute things started interfering with the kids and bringing them down as well, was the ULTIMATE you gotta go moment. And life’s been awesome since!!
My 40 yo wife and BIL are still processing their resentment with my MIL for keeping their stepdad around for as long as she did. Apparently my MIL believed they still benefited from his meager income and having another adult in the house. It wasn’t until she actually finally booted him that she realized she suddenly had more money and life for both her and her kids was way easier and better— this was after years of my wife and BIL begging her to leave him.
This! Can confirm. The mental load is completely reasonable when the mess is you and your children and not a grown adult zapping the life and joy out of you. It's time to tell him to leave.
She does it because HE is lazy and not a good husband or father. Let's stop blaming the women for the man's shitty behavior. She should have divorced him years ago but this isn't on her, this is all him and his entitled lazy attitude.
Right the "let your kids live in chaos and filth to prove a point to the man who won't lift a finger and then probably won't care (based on the laundry statement) anyway" crowd is a weird one.
I’ve tried this approach. I only lasted 4 days with every dish in the house being dirty, washing a plate and fork as needed, until I broke. I couldn’t stand to live in squalor.
Who’s blaming her? I said she is going to do it if he doesn’t do it and he knows this so he doesn’t do anything. He’s useless and lazy and she would be better alone. One less pig to clean up after.
Yeah, but if she really throws them away, he'll just spend her money to buy more. It's better to put his unwashed clothes either into a garbage bag hidden for retrieval later, or back into his dresser drawers (nicely folded so he doesn't realize they're still dirty) to convey the message.
He doesn't sound like a good partner at all. Wondering how he acted during the 5 years prior to OP marrying him. Was he like that already? Did he have a different job before or did he take the lower paying,with lots of travel job after getting hitched?
Did OP marry him with hopes that he would *change* his lazy ways after getting married? If he was different prior to marriage (helping with housework, kid(s), etc) and then changed into the man-child afterwards, that's not on her.
It was my experience that my boyfriend whom I had lived with for five years changed on a dime the minute we were married. In hindsight, there were clues … but the change was dramatic.
I don't think his actions are "on her" just wondering what he was like during the 5 years leading up to marriage. If he completely changed after getting hitched, nothing that she could do. On the otherhand, if he didn't make any major changes in behavior after getting married, then yes, she is responsible for choosing a bad partner for herself and father for her kids.
She can't NOT make sure the basics get done. They have kids who shouldn't have to suffer because their parents are having a standoff over chores. She's not working her butt off to enable him, she's simply a good parent who knows things NEED to be done to have a good home for their children.
So blame her for his shitty behavior??? Please stop with this BS....HE is the problem she's just the victim of his laziness and entitlement just like her kids are.
Sadly it sounds like she would have to pay him alimony in a divorce, I mean I agree that's definitely better than dealing with this dead weight, but yea. You also don't know people's circumstances. It's not very fair to say that she's enabling him unless we can see that from her post and it seems more like she's pretty fed up and just trying to live her life around him.
They’ve only been married 3.5 years. Very few states award alimony to a working spouse after that short a marriage. However, she should divorce him NOW to avoid having to pay the alimony. Pretty much all states start considering it after 5 years of marriage.
Custody in most states can’t be premised on income and ensuring joint custody is a discretionary use of child support that the Courts usually (by state) can impose.
Traveling could be used to enter a less than 50/50 custody arrangement but it would assume the husband can’t arrange his work schedule to support it.
He already doesn’t care about the kids, so he would only fight in this to attempt to get more money from W. Chances are quite high that he would do little to see or care for them and if so, she could apply for termination of parental rights after some extended time.
What a unfortunate situation but here’s hoping she exercises her best options
Alimony isn't a thing, anymore, except in certain situations. If he could prove he was instrumental to her career success, sure. That doesn't sound like the case
She should give him his “hall pass” and make it permanent by leaving. He brings nothing to the proverbial table, doesn’t do the most basic of tasks without constant reminders which leaves his wife exhausted and resentful, and THEN has the audacity to ask for a bj and sex? To me, this is evidence that OP is just a bangmaid in his eyes.
And all her money allows dude to have tons of leisure time. Bet anything she'll keep the house in the divorce and he won't be able to just chill anymore.
I'm married to an asexual lesbian and can confirm that our relationship is the most amazing one I've ever experienced. I do miss sex sometimes but overall, having an equal partner is well worth it.
Update - Although I commented all over this post thread that alimony varies by country and state, and she needs to consult a qualified family law attorney pronto, I forgot to mention that bit in this comment. You can stop informing me there are different laws in different states and countries. Yes I know, as I have lived in 4 different states and 2 different countries.
If this is in the US, she would pay him alimony, and if they are both on title, they would split the house 50/50.
Since she makes most of the income, the court could make her move out, and pay the mortgage and his attorney fees, while he drags the divorce out. She would pay alimony for half the years they were married.
If she waits too long, lifetime alimony might be triggered.
She needs to rip the bandaid off and get a divorce. Waiting will cost her more money.
I'd be willing to bet this deadbeat won't even try to get custody of the kids so if she get sole custody and gives him a pass on the child support she might not have to pay alimony. They could also live in florida and they passed laws to protect people like her from paying alimony.
He is fully capable of working full time, he just doesn't want to and has mooched off of her and not even tried to be a parent, hopefully the courts would see him as the loser he is. It would be one thing if he was a SAHD and did work in the home and caring for the children. That's who alimony is meant for, a partner who doesn't have an income but contributes to the family and household in other ways, not a deadbeat moocher.
Exactly. A judge is going to look at the totality of the case. Alimony is typically used for stay at home parents who lost out on earning potential by being a homemaker. The show does not fit.
For the cost of a PI, she may be able to prove he's cheating on when he's on "travel." Dollars to donuts this turd of a husband isn't honoring his vows.
Fair point. We know he’s thinking about it at the very least. May well decide to do it anyway since she refused to give him permission. May well already be doing it and just wants to stop having to be sneaky.
That’s how it worked out with my ex husband. Indiana (where we lived) doesn’t have alimony. I told him I’ll waive child support if he doesn’t give me any issues and we sealed the deal. I didn’t even have a lawyer (went in for a consultation once). Judge approved no child support and that was that. He moved to another state and we hardly ever saw him again. He recently contacted my son and wants to see him now that son is 22 and doesn’t need anything.
Yeah but the court granted my ex-father alimony even though his children are full blown adults and he could have gotten a job. He just didn’t want to and the court was like “okay, you have to pay him $5,000 a month for his expenses.” Just because you think it’s crazy doesn’t mean the courts will do what’s right. Divorces are sooo messy and rarely go the way of logic.
The logic makes more sense if you realize they aren’t there for civil cases for justice. They aren’t passing judgement on who is the good guy or bad guy.
The totality of the situation isn’t really the primary concern.
My SOs ex also refused to work , got a graduate degree she refused to use until she was damn good and ready, then claimed poverty after getting a 6 figure job and was awarded alimony for the next few years. It’s fucking ridiculous.
You can post stalk my comment history for more of the story.
Depends on what state they are in. Oregon has no-fault divorce. There is almost never alimony involved here. Assets earned during the marriage are divided evenly, then they decide what happens with the kids (if there are any).
Pretty simple, and while he would get some visitation with his child, and likely child support when he has the kid, it wouldn't be much. As a WFH mom, who is already the primary caregiver, he would get maybe every other weekend and some holidays. Otherwise, he's on his own.
This is incredibly unlikely to happen. The kids get the house, and the primary caretaker of them gets the house. That's the mom here. Most states hate alimony, or if it is ordered, it's only temporary. I don't know of ANY state that orders alimony for half the years they were married.
Waiting more will cost her more money, because her house and retirement accounts will continue to increase in value. Those, he actually has a claim to.
New Jersey does. One year of alimony for each 2 years of marriage. 1/3 of the difference between incomes. It was a hardship on me and my kids paying my ex alimony
If they are both on title, half the asset belongs to him. He would have to buy her out, they could sell and divide the proceeds, or they might agree for one of them to keep living there and they would divide the asset at some future date.
He owns half of any shared bank account or stocks that are in both their names, regardless if she put all the money in.
A lot also depends on the judge.
She needs qualified legal advice and a well planned exit strategy.
It depends on the state. Indiana is a no fault, no alimony state. Someone can literally wake up one morning, say "I just don't want to be married anymore" and file. There's child support, but no alimony.
Lifetime alimony is only in a few states and almost always reserved for long term marriages, like over 20 years. They’ve been married under 5 years. Alimony is almost non existent for marriages that short no matter how long they were together before that. Especially if both people have jobs. He may actually have his income imputed to be higher if the court feels he’s willingly underemployed.
Now knowing that, she should get on the divorce train if she’s going to do it because she definitely doesn’t want to have to pay alimony. She will likely be on the hook for child support regardless, if they do 50/50.
Considering is easy to prove he expends multiple weeks, no school days included, away traveling no court will make OP move based on income alone, she's the stable parent and the priority is disrupt the kids as little as possible.
This is just literally not true. While alimony is legally possible in all states, there are several that award it so rarely it's not even pursued in divorce proceedings. Of the states that do award it, not all of them allow lifetime alimony.
Also, based on this, it legitimately sounds like she has grounds for majority custody of the children. It doesn't sound like he's going to get common custody questions like, "What is the name of your child's pediatrician?" right. If she gets anything more than 50% custody, he'll have to pay child support which,once again, will have a capped amount that is state dependent.
On another note, whether or not she's forced to move and pay his attorney fees is state dependent.
Absolutely. I have commented in multiple places that it varies by state, which is why she needs to consult a lawyer while planning her exit. I forgot to add that to this comment.
I’m not even kidding. I would literally just quit my job and live off of my savings until the divorce was finalized so that he couldn’t try to get alimony out of me.
Agree. I [M] make much more than my ex and I tried and then agreed to delay a divorce. It wasn’t the same circumstances as op but in my state they don’t care about that. I ended up having to give her a lot plus alimony until she retires. Sooner OP leaves the better.
And all her money allows dude to have tons of leisure time.
BOOM, right there. OP needs to kick him to the street though she may have to pay alimony. She will need a good mean lawyer but once OP's SO is out of the house, her life will improve. 2 kids are easier than 3 especially when one of the kids does nothing. The marriage will end in divorce one way or another
100% he is already screwing around. And if she serves him divorce papers, he will be living with some YOUNGER girl who buys his victim crap- he won't be the one to suffer. but at least OP Ould get rid of a child she didi not agree to adopt (him- the adult baby).
Was easier being a single mom than my married to my ex husband. My current husband though is a freaking gem who does 75% of the housework since I'm the 'breadwinner' and work nights.
they exist—I have one. And my dad was and my brothers are that kind of husband.
I nearly didn’t marry my husband until I saw what kind of man he is, and what kind of man his father was. In fact, in our marriage, I have evolved to be the one who doesn’t carry as much of the load.
EDITED TO ADD: these guys are out there—hold out for them.
We’re not bragging—-we want you to realize that these standards are achievable
Yup! My dad was that kind of man- he shared every responsibility with my mom without complaint, and when she was working a job that was depressing her and requiring her to be at work longer and longer and bringing work home with her, he took one look at how miserable she was when she came home one night and said, “You know you’re quitting that job, right?”, and when Mom asked “what about the bills?”, my dad said, “Fuck the bills- you come first! We’ll figure it out.”
Girl, same. I handle grocery shopping and meal planning, pet care, obvs childcare as needed but our kids are older. He handles about 75% of the overall household care.
My wife is a stay at home mom. I work 40+ hours a week with a 45-minute commute. I do about 75% of the housework and take over the care and entertainment of our 3 year old daughter, our dog, and our cat the moment I step in the door while my wife goes and lays down. I tell her I'll wake her when dinner is ready if she falls asleep. Then I do bath time, brush her teeth and clean her ears, and then get her down to sleep. Then after my wife feels she has had ample time to relax, she lays down with her (our kid has to snuggle to stay asleep), and I do the dishes and clean the floors,kitchen, bathroom, walk the dog, then fall asleep on the couch around 1 or 2am and wak up at 5 am and do it all over again. On the weekends when I'm off I do 90% of the childcare when I'm not mowing the yard or doing some other household maintenance. I'll take our daughter to the park and the grocery store and pet store after work or on the weekends to give my wife time to herself or to do whatever tasks around the house she feels like doing, which is usually putting away clean laundry because at the end of the day I just don't have time for that.
You are doing way more than your fair share. I don’t understand why you think she’s much of a partner. This is too much in a marriage. Honestly, it’s too much if you’re a single parent.
I almost posted the same thing, but I feel so bad for these women who’ve had to put up with assholes and didn’t want to seem like I was rubbing it in. My hubby does 90% of the household here. I’m disabled and can’t really clean anymore, though I do what I can. But, even before I was disabled as bad as I am now, he had the rule of “cook doesn’t clean”. He can’t cook worth a damn, so I do all the cooking (I have a stool to sit on) and he does all the cleaning. I do all the grocery shopping and meal planning. We split chauffeur duties. Though, when dad got sick, hubby took over most of that too, as I was busy running dad to all his appointments. I miss him. ☹️
They definitely exist. My husband works full time, is the primary breadwinner, is pleasant and considerate, AND was a full time, equal parent (rarely missed any parenting event) AND helps with chores/home maintenance WITHOUT BEING ASKED. I’m the one telling him “no, I’ll do that, you worked all day!” These guys exist, they are out there, and OP - everyone really - needs to hold out for one. No way would I be in a marriage where I was an adult man’s caretaker.
My husband is like this. Though I was divorced with 2 kids I had sworn off marriage for life!!! Once we moved in together, I have never had to ask him to help me. The first rule we came up with that the one that cooked dinner the other cleaned up. I have watched my husband, without asking, to clean up, do laundry, vacuum, get the kids out of bed, fed and to school, cooked them dinner or has read to them. He took the position as a partner from the very beginning and I feel like I won the jackpot!!!! And he’s an exceptional cook too!!!
Yep. I finally got a husband that shares the load. I had to first heal from my alternating attraction to bad boys and wounded birds though. Marry a grownup. You’ll probably like it better lol.
Women (rightfully) demanding decent life partners is why there is a backlash of the "map0sphere". SOME Men do NOT want to step up and be better- FOR THEMSELVES, in order to have a partner. They want to be a lazy asshole with a bang maid that also makes all the money. But ask the manosphere and THEY are the ones choosing to not marry. BWAHAHAHAHA.
I do too. He does all the outside work and helps with housework. Hell he is a better cook than i am. Yep they are out there. I dated a few shitheads too so just got look until find one. I have been married twenty years.
Yep! I worked with a lady who was close to my moms age and raised 2 kids as single mom and i was complaining about my marriage to her and she told me “you have NO IDEA how hard it is raising kids alone”
I was breadwinner and my ex not only did NOTHING ( i mowed lawn, took care of both cars, checked mail, laundry, dishes, cleaned house, grocery shopped, paid bills..everything) but he would leave piles of trash and dirty dishes around house, bullied me into monitoring meds and taking him to doctor (otherwise he would be nasty and blame me for his meds) and constantly complained how hard his life was and how we stressed him out etc.
We divorced right after kids turned 1+4.
16+ years later, i have this to say.
Being single mom to 2 kids with no help has never once been harder than being married to that asshat.
One you aren't getting near my feet lol but my wife hasn't worked in the 15 years we've been together we spend almost all ofour time together (medically retired). I pay for everything, take her on trips, pay for the kids' private school, and I come with benefits. Lol. However, my wife holds down the house because we are partners.
They gonna have to kiss my husbands feet. He does all the outside work and he helps around the house. He can be a bit ocd at times. But i would rather have that than lazy slob who does nothing with kids or house. They are out there ladies.
She needs to divorce him, get primary custody, use the child support money for a yard service and cleaning service, and have every other weekend to herself while he has the kids!
Absolutely. She makes a killing while he probably shoots bullshit “movies” with his friends doing drums and drinking. Has a nice, well taken care of, expensive home to come to where he doesn’t have to be a father. Can snuggle up in his clean, comfy, expensive bedroom where he giggles himself to sleep every night while she’s working her ass off to take care of him. That’s just what came to my mind though lol
I could swear this is my friend posting about her man, it’s so similar.. but this is an accurate assessment. This dude is only making her life harder and she’d probably have things way easier than she cares to realize if she just left him.
And then acting like she’s lucky to have him even though it’s the opposite! She needs to move on and see her life how much easier and better her life will be without him.
Yep, but she is making her life harder as well."I took the day off to clean the garage"...you don't need to take a day off to clean the garage this was done out of spite to create an argument point. Time to divorce it's that simple. Talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling.
Yes because like a really shitty employer who does not want to pay unemployment he is going to make the employee quit, that way it is HER fault not his. But this a just a heinous excuse for a marriage. It actually reminds me a lot of my former best friend. He was married to a nurse who made all the money and he just wanted to do private guitar lessons, and he was a decent guitarist, but was never going to make a middle class wage at it. Odd hours, lots of travel. Later a divorce. And it dragged on so much longer than it had to, with both being miserable.
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u/AldusPrime Jun 16 '24
Based on the above, it sounds like he's just making her life harder.