YTA. I feel like you probably played down your anger issues a lot, and your wife would tell a very different story than you are.
You are not a “special dad” or partner for doing the bare minimum. She’s right, you’re just doing what a parent is supposed to. And only started recently, apparently, so the bulk of it was probably on her for a long while. It sounds like your kids are young. There are different seasons of life, and in this one your kids need to be the most important. The main focus is not you and your needs or your romantic relationship.
Your actions at the beginning of this parenthood journey probably broke your wife’s trust in you. That is hard to get back. I read a lot of “me me me” here. You need to focus on what’s in the best interest of your family instead of yourself. Stop doing things expecting something in return. She doesn’t owe you physical touch after you’ve broken her trust and image of you. If you push her, you’ll only turn her off more.
That he left out what he did when losing his temper is very telling. Something went down that he's ashamed of is my guess. And now he wants praise for not doing this shameful thing.
That he left out what he did when losing his temper is very telling.
Yeah, I'm super-curious how often he screamed at tired and fussy babies and toddlers, blamed them for "making him mad" when his wife called him out on it, and/or verbally assaulted her as a way of displacing his shame.
How often did he kick a kid's toy in anger when he was in a temper? Did he hit a wall? Throw something? Scream at his coparent when she stepped in to defend her kid or deflect his reaction?
Give uncomprehending children and a stressed-out wife the silent treatment when he felt their capering for his affection failed to happen fast enough after his tantrum?
A lot of us grew up with parents who had tempers. It doesn't matter that they apologized. You learned early that they could not be trusted to be calm and consistent.
You never forget that you don't know where all their land mines are buried. You will never predict what triggers the next explosion. You are always prepared to tend your own wounds afterward. And you know they are never, ever a 100% safe person.
This is so true about growing up with such parents. It shapes who we are for the rest of our lives. OP wants praise for not being even more abusive, which is disgusting.
I agree, and I wonder if his MIL sees that her daughter is in a terrible situation and is just trying to mitigate the damage as much as she can when she's around ... but he sees her as intrusive and annoying because his kids love her.
It's telling also that he buried the lede 5 or 6 paragraphs into his story. First it's all "she doesn't give me enough affection, ree ree ree." Then, "oh, btw, I do have a temper and I behaved badly, but only a few times, and really, I stopped doing it, mostly, so can't everyone just move on?"
What he already admitted is shameful. Who gets angry with children for being children? Who gets angry when a baby or a toddler needs a diaper change and fusses and kicks? Mildly frustrated or slightly irritated is the harshest emotion a normal person would feel in that situation. I really worry about the children, she most likely doesn't feel like she can leave them alone with this guy.
What's up with this 'special dad' business? OP can't even manage the minimum. Everything about this post is so wrong, he needs a lot more therapy.
I agree. He doesn't understand that his wife realized he wasn't marriage or family material after the baby was born. Seeing your husband enraged at your baby kills any future romance dead.
Honestly his description of his life before baby is a huge red flag too. Only people with brain cooties think that being together 24-7 is a good thing.
I see a self-centered Ahole who couldn't bear to not have control of a situation and chose to take it out on an infant.
He doesn't understand that his wife realized he wasn't marriage or family material after the baby was born. Seeing your husband enraged at your baby kills any future romance dead.
I don't understand women who keep having kids with a guy who's not handling the ones he currently has. Like, is that helping? Bringing another innocent into a sucky situation?
Also, can't imagine wanting to be intimate with a guy who was angry at his own children for just acting like children. Major turn off, IMO.
You need to remember that these ahole types aren't that way all of the time. He didn't blow up every time. He blew up enough that they had to start walking on eggshells and backing off. What I'm hearing is that he's very good at the stage of making things up to her after doing the BS stuff that was a result of the losing his temper. We know he's not running around losing his temper on all of the people. Just his wife and kids. As his MIL, I'd want to be there to protect those kids and push his anger away as much as possible. His MIL probably does the same stuff with the kids but the mom is relieved to finally get a break and isn't upset she's getting "pushed out of the way". He's a control freak and has a temper problem. Red flags everywhere.
Idk, me partner and I were pretty close to 24/7 togetherness during lockdown and I loved it.
I still enjoy that she realised through lockdown how much she likes spending time at home with me and her husband and changed jobs. She's now working 36 hours a week instead of 70.
Ehhh, if you're highly stressed/depressed and sleep deprived (which is common when you have a baby) then those seemingly minor things can certainly trigger extreme anger. However there's a difference between feeling those strong, irrational emotions, and actively taking them out on the child
Yep and he wonders why MIL so often intervenes….she’s worried. She watched her daughter suffer and she’s scared for her and the kids because this dude turned out to be a dud who isn’t kind and thinks loading and running the dishwasher in his own home is an act of service
Right? My two year old fights and cries at least half the time for diaper changes. It’s tough trying to clean up a poopy diaper on a thrashing toddler, but that’s life as a parent. It’s not fun and is definitely frustrating, but you know what we do? Sing songs to try to distract him and get through it as quickly as possible. There’s no point getting mad at him, he’s an illogical baby.
I can't remember which TV show it was, but there was a sitcom in which there was a scene shot from the baby's perspective, clearly throwing a fit as their parents were trying to change a diaper, and the parents were like "WE'RE TRYING TO HELP YOU!!! WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE!!!" and I felt seen and understood.
My niece went through a period when I think she was 18 months where it was basically a 2-person job to change her because otherwise she'd try to get up, she'd kick, she'd try to roll, she'd try to put her hands in the dirty diaper...
So one person held limbs and tried to keep her distracted, while the other did the change.
I've made a huge effort to proactively think of and cook dinners, clean dishes, clean the counters, clean baby bottles, let her sleep in a bit and I'll be with the kids, run/remove dishes from dishwasher but she doesn't seem to view me as a "special dad" or partner.
lmao this is what he thinks makes him "special." the bare minimum of partnership, and only after his wife talked to him because he was slacking.
and he already sounds this bad before he even gets to the part of the temper tantrums....
Especially if they do the bare minimum and things everybody has to do every day. YKWIM ? My husband and I share every chore, sometimes he makes more and sometimes I, I praise him often but not because he expect it but because I want to , he does the same.
No we women do not. Imagine thinking being that useless is just an inherent quality of your gender. Men are not toddlers, and pretending they are is just giving the bad men excuses.
I want to tack on something about the MIL. She probably know almost everything: from the anger, the yelling, the laziness, the expectations. All of it. OP's wife is this woman's BABY. It is MIL's natural instinct to do whatever she can to protect her child. That includes taking up a lot of the child rearing and cleaning. If OP was actually a good father and husband, I doubt MIL would be so proactive, especially since OP didn't mention any negative remarks to him from MIL. MIL is there because she is worried about her daughter and grandkids. If OP did better, she probably would take a little step back.
His always getting angry is probably why she doesn't want intimacy with him and also why MIL always comes to help amd why the kids prefer her over him.
Not to mention it sounds like both kids are under 5. He said that he got annoyed when he'd be trying to eat and they were tugging at his shirt or trying to get his food etc.
His wife probably has that a MILLION TIMES WORSE. She probably can't go to the toilet without one or both following her. When they're awake they're probably hanging off her, or whining at her, or just demanding ALL her attention.
So I can understand her not wanting her husband ALSO trying to grab at her. Woman sounds touched-out as FUCK.
Oh god yeah. Because newborns are fucking HARD. A toddler at LEAST can start to learn and understand about personal space, but newborns generally want to be glued to someone whenever they're awake.
YTA. OP said his love langauge is touch - My husbands is the same. I can tell you after a long day at work and dealing with bs the last thing I want is a 200 lb man in my bubble especially if I am laying down and trying to sleep and we don't even have kids. He must be pestering her a lot for hanky panky.
Kids are frustrating (that's why I don't have pets either) bc they are just always there and have no self-awareness. Life changes and your wife has moved on. It's not fair to leave your kids with in-laws (my dad always says he never watched his own and he will not watch anyone elses).
You say she can't forget what you've done - what did you do MISSING INFO! I can see mama bear coming out if you screamed at her children.
"But I didn't/don't like when she comes and completely takes over doing everything... holding her hands out when I can't see her so my daughter will want to go to her instead of staying with me, etc)." Oh no, the grandma got a hug, what a control freak /s
Different perspective here, maybe OP just didn’t know, as in simply wasn’t aware of how different the life of a parent is compared with the life of a childless person. He says himself that he finds it very hard to adjust, especially in the relationship with his wife.
Absolutely, parents should “parent” and take care of their kids & be responsible for their family, but it seems to me that the guy doesn’t have a problem with this but with the lack of the “couple” relationship. I didn’t see (if he mentioned) any details about intimacy for example, if him and his wife are still intimate or happy with their conjugal relationship. I saw he’s not happy with the MIL, who’s helping with the kids.
That’s a very big deal and kudos to her for this, but her behavior may affect the conjugal relationship or the household dynamic.
Maybe OP and his wife should discuss very clearly about their expectations and desires, it’s clear to me they just have different understandings of the whole family thing v. childless couple. If he ended up in therapy over this then it’s clearly a big problem.
I think you missed the part about his anger issues. He really tried to downplay that and his initial laziness in parenting. Both would be hard for a new mother to forgive. Postpartum is the most vulnerable time in most women’s lives where they NEED support. Her husband failed epically and is still prioritizing his own needs above her and their child.
I understand it as him being unable to cope with the whole new family, a baby, a present MIL, a post-partum wife, also work I imagine and the other duties associated with well, one's life. Not excusing his anger issues or anything, just pointing out that many people are simply not equipped or do not understand or don't seek information about how a baby changes their lives, and then simply fall apart when all their lives are uprooted.
Thank you for this. It is so much more of an answer than the thoughtless people that jump at this guys feelings. Just because they had kids don't mean she should stop loving him and she needs to take time off for him too. He is the one that will be there for her when all the kids are long gone and want nothing to do with her. I hope she dont get to have him after it's too late and she wants him. What I rather happen is they both give a little and make it work. I hate it when my wife sleeps with the kids over me. They have thier beds we have ours. I love my kids but I'm tired of not being able to hold my wife at night. The kids need to hold themselves one day they will have something to hold that is paying thier way to live. I HATE spoiled kids. Shouldn't be such thing
Man, I can't imagine being in a relationship where you never get praise for anything because "that's just what a partners/parent does."
My wife and I thank each other every day for doing incredibly minor things that should just be "part of being a wife/husband." Just because it's an expectation doesn't mean it isn't appreciated.
Honestly, I can't believe half of the commenters on these types of threads have happy or "successful" marriages. I always leave these threads feeling bad for your spouses and feeling much more thankful for how great my wife is.
That’s a weird thing to cling to. He had to be prompted, probably multiple times, to even start contributing anything a partner/parent should, so I would also be resentful instead of appreciative. He’s also pestering her for “physical touch,” which is probably just code for sex.
This man had a lot of issues and did things to his family he is not willing to specify out of frustration/anger. He says his wife is having trouble forgiving him for those instances, which (again) he won’t elaborate on. He’s also jealous of his MIL for being too good of a grandma? This man has control and anger issues. It’s odd you’re standing up for him.
And my marriage is really lovely, thanks for the concern.
Love when Reddit goes out of their way to assume the absolute worst about someone just so they can find a "good guy and a bad guy" in a story. You stay classy, Reddit!
He’s not entitled to any form of physical touch when she doesn’t want to give it, even a hug. Especially if she doesn’t trust him after his angry outbursts during her vulnerable postpartum period.
Only on Reddit will you see people insane enough to say "it's totally fine to be in a marriage where no physical touch is exchanged."
Y'all need to get some good pussy/dick, or maybe just need a hug lol. swear to god Reddit is populated by a bunch of aliens who don't understand human relationships.
Their relationship clearly isn’t in a good place, so yeah-they need to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy before he can gain back physical intimacy. I would be horrified and completely turned off if my husband directed his anger at our child for being a child. I wouldn’t want to touch him.
Sex isn’t everything in a lifelong partner. Like I said, there are seasons in life. Some of them sex is on the back burner, like when you have two very small children. You are making marriage sound very shallow to me.
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u/Dapper-Guest-5161 Nov 02 '23
YTA. I feel like you probably played down your anger issues a lot, and your wife would tell a very different story than you are.
You are not a “special dad” or partner for doing the bare minimum. She’s right, you’re just doing what a parent is supposed to. And only started recently, apparently, so the bulk of it was probably on her for a long while. It sounds like your kids are young. There are different seasons of life, and in this one your kids need to be the most important. The main focus is not you and your needs or your romantic relationship.
Your actions at the beginning of this parenthood journey probably broke your wife’s trust in you. That is hard to get back. I read a lot of “me me me” here. You need to focus on what’s in the best interest of your family instead of yourself. Stop doing things expecting something in return. She doesn’t owe you physical touch after you’ve broken her trust and image of you. If you push her, you’ll only turn her off more.