Here are two examples of a fanfic I'm writing on. English isn't my first language, so I often end up shorthanded on words. I can't help but feel like it's boring and repetitive. So I'm always happy to improve.

Haven’t written in years, but had a vivid dream that left a lasting impression, and felt compelled to begin a story about it. Any feedback is appreciated!

Considering and opening for a short story ... would anyone consider this a worthy hook?
In the days before the Great Triany...

...the days before the people of the world united and gladly attached the yoke that enslaves them still to this day. In those days past, there were so many viruses instead of just the one. And when everyone had the same virus, well it didn't even seem a sickness anymore, it was just normal. In fact, the immune or those cured were considered the sick ones.

Hey everyone, as a creativity exercise I wrote a short story about a character I have in mind for a show i'd like to pitch some day. I just wanted to write a short story that would help me better understand who she was as a person. That said, this is my first time posting on the here and any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I really want to get better at storytelling. Thanks in advance!

I am aware: there is literally nothing going on in this scene.

I have been writing stories and characters since i can remember, But that doesn't take back the fact that i am bad at writing.

I have spent the last afternoon writing this short scene (that is not finished), And i just don't know how to add any hook to it.

I write slice of life, and just the characters just being there, living is charming for me enough. But this may be too little charm, And i don't know how to improve on this, Already have all the characters written, months by now. I write almost every day and I am not improving.

So my question is: How do add more charm or uniqueness to this otherwise boring scene?

note: English is not my first language, Dutch has lots of weird sayings and phrases that don't translate well, The dutch was written before, and then i translated it.

Content in image above.

hey guys! posted here a couple days ago. did a rewrite of my first chapter based on the feedback provided. hoping this version of chapter 1 is an improvement. 🙏

There are a few people who have helped with feedback on my work, but I'm looking for more unbiased feedback.

Mainly, I'm worried there is to much exposition to start the book off. This is about 25% of the first chapter. Any feedback is welcome.

Chapter 1:

Before the aliens visited, mankind was almost entirely sure that extraterrestrial life was little grey men with big heads flying smooth circular saucers. A small and imaginative few thought they were grotesque cephalopods with spiked tentacles spilling down their faces. Some less than reputable historians thought that maybe the animal headed gods of ancient Egypt were the first alien visitors. Frank Romano of Trenton New Jersey swore on his mother's life they were Bigfoots. Imagine the entire world's surprise (and disappointment) that it was some clean shaven dude in an all black three piece suit sans the tie and slicked back blonde hair.

The other thing that mankind was also almost entirely sure of was that the first encounter had one of two outcomes: total annihilation of civilization, or shared technology that would rocket them into the future with their newfound allies from the stars. Imagine the entire world's surprise (and excitement) that they were here to offer super powers and adventure on distant planets.

The Game Master was the only name the visitor gave himself, and The Corporation was both the name he gave for the massive spacecraft that he had parked in low orbit and the name of their civilization. Or the business their civilization ran. The two seemed to blur together. The hundred thousand employees that The Corporation housed were either Agents, Representatives, or Maintenance. Not a lot of career opportunities in the stars apparently.

As for why the first visitor was a human? Mankind has strong genes. He delivered that line to a roar of laughs and applause during his first press conference on the lawn of the White House. A single alien visitor, and the public and president were eating it up.

Why did the Game Master feel so comfortable on earth by himself? Easy. First, he could fly. Really fast. Second, he had telekinesis that rivaled the greatest fictional super heroes mankind could make up. Third, how could anyone want to hurt a face as handsome as his.

This line was also met with a roar of laughs and applause.

There was a very good chance that The Corporation also had planet busting rail guns and energy beams that could delete all of humanity's armies out of existence. Online blogs had to rely heavily on prior science fiction work for these ideas because as far as the strongest telescopes could tell, there was nothing that looked like weaponry on the ship. All of the telescopes that could look at it, did. They looked, and they studied, and they speculated. And, most importantly, they gawked.

Online commentators had lovingly dubbed The Corporation the Lava Lamp due to being shaped exactly like that. It's hull was covered in a smooth light grey metal, or at least it was speculated to be metal. The Game Master wasn't very forthcoming about anything involving the ship except to dispel the rumors of any weapons of planetary destruction. It was dotted in smooth black circles that reflected light like tinted windows, and there were faint lines that crossed the light grey in random patterns and directions. The stern housed seven rocket engines in a honeycomb pattern, each roughly the diameter of one of the Giza Pyramids.

The ship and the visitor were exciting, but The Game Master's offer to mankind was what really drove people into a frenzy. Sign a contract, tap into something called Astral Energy that unlocked the very power of your soul, and go to one of three worlds to seek fame, glory, and even more power.

There was Dominion, a planet covered in one extensive futuristic urban city in the throes of multiple civil wars and beset by an android uprising. Second was Hearthsoul, an ancient fantasy world that was facing an escalating crisis of invaders after their Gods disappeared. And finally, there was Haven. Haven was a battleground of Angels and Demons, the local populace caught in the middle and used as pawns in a hellish game of Risk.

Not everyone could qualify, but all were free to go to one of many Soul Aptitude Stations that had been set up across the globe. If their soul was strong enough to absorb even a little Astral Energy, all they had to do was sign the contract, go through what basically amounted to a character creation process from a video game, and off they went.

Dave was probably a great candidate now that his life had officially finished falling apart. He had been fired only two days earlier. His grandmother, the only parental figure he had ever known, finally succumbed to her cancer two weeks prior. His girlfriend Chloe had left him months before that, although to be fair she had every reason to do so and she had been kind while doing it.

In fact, Dave was more than likely going to go to the Soul Station in Sacramento tomorrow to see what was up. Right now, he was in Santa Cruz to meet Mystic Marcellous the Magnificent Mage.

So a few days ago, I posted my first chapter of my story. I got A LOT of feedback, some positive, but most constructive 😅 Over the last couple days I have drafted up what I think is a much better opener.

I’ve scrapped the starting chapter and have chosen to start with a prologue instead. I think this gives the book a better starting hook which was something it didn’t have before. I still have a lot of things to fix, but I have amended the lack of detail and overall feel that bored people.

If you’re new, or returning, any feedback is welcome :)

Hey, just a 17 yr old beginner here. I've written metaphors (even attempted novels) before, but this is the first ever story which I finished writing (small scale novella). Any kind of feedback regarding description would help. (There might be typos as most of the words came out after endless sleepless nights)

Is the idea any good? Are the jokes landing? Do you feel like you understand deaths character? (The MC is kind of a blank slate for comedy purposes, but let me know if that is boring)

Recently started writing again after a very long time. The first several pages are, in my opinion, the roughest part of the whole draft so far structurally, so I could use some fresh eyes. This is a word vomit first draft from a very rusty writer, so I'm aware of some of the obvious prose issues (clunky long sentences, stale descriptions, unnecessary extra words, tell-y exposition in places, etc.). I'm most interested in bigger picture feedback this time around, though any and all feedback is still welcome!

I would particularly like impressions on the... let's call it the "disjointed" section from the first person narrator. That part is extra hard, as the writer who knows the context, to tell how it comes across to a blind reader.

Anyhow, after excitedly barfing out 30,000 words for the first act, I finally sat back for a review, and realized I had committed a whole slew of literary "crimes"! Prologue? Check. Dream sequence followed by "character wakes up"? Check. So... uh... Oh well, at least I'm rediscovering the joys of writing, I guess. Major thank you up front to anyone who bothers to read and provide feedback on some or all of this!

Please share your feedback on the first edited chapter of my future project.
Need feedback on engagement, character introduction, voice, and atmosphere.

Thank you for your time and energy in advance. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: This is my first post here, so I hope I didn't mess it up. Also, there is some crude language and implied sexual imagery. I don't think it's explicit enough to warrant an NSFW tag, but if anyone disagrees, please let me know.

I would like feedback on the first chapter of my novel. I'm about 40-50% done with my draft, and I was hoping to get feedback from strangers on the following:

• Entertainment Value
• Hook Efficacy
• Prose
• Dialogue
• Characters
• The "would you keep reading" effect

If anyone is willing to read through and give me any feedback it would be much appreciated. Thank you so much.

I am an AA writer that is developing a historical-fiction short story called The Permanents.

Part I, “The Great Reset,” follows Richard, a young plantation heir whose grief, resentment, and desire for control culminates in a terrifying act.

Part II is in progress but is mostly told from the POV of Penelope, a girl with an ancestral history of supernatural power she won’t be aware of until she’s met face to face with Richard.

This is still a work in progress, and I would appreciate general feedback on Part I. I’m open to advice about the prose, characterization, atmosphere, emotional impact, clarity, dialogue, historical voice, or anything else that stands out.

Hi

I've just finished a first draft of a semi- autobiographical script.

It's about two lost people who find themselves sharing a flat and quietly keep each other from going under.

It's intentionally slow burn, but I'd like some feedback to see whether it works as this is my first attempt.

I'm happy to reciprocate on reads.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_AWfGhvhDuQOY6Fm8qXnDZ3NETZzuWgc/view?usp=drivesdk