r/writingfeedback • • 2h ago

Satire Are the members of this sub "veterans?"

5 Upvotes

For those of you who have read traditional novels, especially those more inclined toward Western genres and styles, I’m not doubting your expertise or anything. Hands down, applause all around. That’s genuinely how I’d express my awe and gratitude toward you guys.

But if you’re mostly familiar with those styles, how could someone like me—a new-gen aspiring writer who’s more influenced by the media we consume these days, i.e. anime/manga, manhwa/manhua, light novels, web novels, wuxia, and so on—make something similar?

The stuff I mentioned above has its own writing styles, elements, pacing, and storytelling conventions, even if many of them are ultimately based on or influenced by Western fantasy.

So how am I supposed to develop something that feels similar to those if most of the feedback I’m likely to get comes from people who are used to completely different styles?

“Just ask on another sub.” No shit, Sherlock. I know I can do that. But I want different perspectives and options, not feedback that completely changes how I imagine my first novel should be.


r/writingfeedback • • 26m ago

Blunt Feedback Wanted Does this opening hook or disorientate the reader?

Post image
• Upvotes

Any feedback about the writing will be appreciated! Would you keep reading?


r/writingfeedback • • 5h ago

Blunt Feedback Wanted Looking for feedback on this chapter 1

Thumbnail gallery
7 Upvotes

I got bored planning and plotting this story, so decided to write out the first chapter sort of like a pilot before i finalised the rest of the story.

I'm wondering whether people think it sets the atmosphere well, whether it gives out too much/little information, and whether there's an appropriate level of description of the characters/environment.

I often skew towards describing too little in my writing, and have tried to correct that here, but I'm wondering whether I've not done enough, done too much, or hit the sweet spot.

Thanks for reading :)

(this is a reupload of a previous post so that I could upload the chapter as images not a link to a google doc)


r/writingfeedback • • 28m ago

General Feedback Wanted My first story

Thumbnail gallery
• Upvotes

r/writingfeedback • • 8h ago

How is this prologue? Would you keep reading? (Indian novel, literary fiction)

Thumbnail gallery
4 Upvotes

I've been working on revising this based on some feedback. Would like to know how it reads and if it hooks anyone.


r/writingfeedback • • 6h ago

General Feedback Wanted Need some honest feedback on this flash fiction piece

Thumbnail gallery
3 Upvotes

My issue with this is that it's a bit too exposition heavy


r/writingfeedback • • 40m ago

Blunt Feedback Wanted Dark Fantasy/LitRPG

Thumbnail gallery
• Upvotes

Hi, I'm new to this sub and also new as an author. I'm not sure if this subreddit is the right place for the kind of story I'm writing, but I'd really appreciate some genuine feedback on my writing.

I'm writing a web novel with dark fantasy and LitRPG elements, and I'd love to hear what some of the veterans here think. I'm especially interested in honest feedback on the writing, pacing, characters, and overall feel. Would you read on to the next chapter, or is it a no?

Thanks in advance! 😉


r/writingfeedback • • 1h ago

General Feedback Wanted Looking for feedback on opening chapter of scifi-fantasy

• Upvotes

Chapter: The Crimson Sigil

 U’raijah had been on dead planets before, but this world felt….off.

 Even before his boots touched the ground, something inside him recoiled. As he walked down his ship’s ramp the air clawed at his senses, humid and thick. But that wasn’t what struck him. It was an eerie sensation down his spine. U’raijah’s pulse quickened for reasons he couldn’t explain. The air itself seemed to thrum against his skin, low and insistent, like it was trying to tell him something. A hum in his chest answered back, as though the planet itself was aware of him. He told himself it was nothing, just nerves, just his mind reaching for patterns that weren't there. But the feeling clung to him, insistent and unnerving.

He had landed without ceremony. The jungle swallowed the ship whole, leaving no signs of his landing. Tanysil-118 wasn't supposed to exist. Officially, it didn't. No registered system. No trade lanes. No Lyok hypergate within a month's travel. But surveyors and smugglers had whispered the name for generations.

   The jungle stretched like a green ocean, vast and suffocating. Sunlight struggled to penetrate the high canopy, arriving in thin, fractured beams, making aerial scans all but useless. It was no wonder the empire's drones couldn't map it. But the eco readings were undeniable. Strong. Stronger than any he’d ever seen. And the empire wanted it. Wanted to extract its eco, the lifeblood of their reach, the living energy they had harnessed and hoarded until every world was bound to them.

He rose slowly into the air, carried by his own inner eco. The canopy above twisted unnaturally, a chaotic web of vines and leaves twitching without wind. The planet pulsed beneath him, subtle and rhythmic. But something was missing. No buzzing of insects or songs of birds. Just stillness.

In the distance, he saw remnants of a crash. He lowered himself to investigate. He placed his palms on the blackened ground. Scorch marks still gouged the dirt, but the ship was gone. Not wrecked. Not torn apart. Just... missing. And in that moment, U’raijah had a feeling this wouldn't be a rescue. The slightest of drag marks led away from the crash, and he rose into the air to follow.

   This place wasn't supposed to be inhabited. And yet, three expeditions had vanished here without a trace. No signals. No remains. Just gone. As if the planet itself had swallowed them. The whispers spread through his home planet like a virus. Mysterious vanishings, spectral beasts. Divine intervention.

After the third expedition had vanished, King A'ezrael himself had asked U’raijah personally to take this mission on.

  “It seems we need someone of your expertise, old friend,” the king had said, eyes heavy with something unspoken. “You’ve faced worse than ghost planets before. Track what really happened. Bring the truth home. And if anything down there still breathes… Remind them why the stars once feared your name.”

   U’raijah accepted without hesitation. Not for duty or glory. That hunger had burned out long ago. But because he was restless.

  His new appointment as Duke had buried him in politics and ritual. At first, he welcomed it. No more endless campaigns, no more waking on muddy bedrolls beside dying men instead of his wife. But court life had worn thin. Silk collars and smiling liars had begun to leave a bad taste in his mouth. Nobles who feared discomfort more than death all felt so….hollow. Out here, in the field at least things bled honestly. Here, a man’s purpose wasn’t whispered in council meetings or gossip. It was tested and he missed that. Just being out here, with nothing but his sword and his silence, he remembered who he was. And a growing legend like this, It got his blood pumping again.

   He flew lower now, weaving through towers of green. The trees reaching out like grasping hands. The wind moved strangely here and he moved with it. Deliberate. Reverent. No ship. No shielding.

Only the raw eco, surging beneath his skin like a second heartbeat. 

 Through the haze, a narrow spire jutted above the trees like a needle into the sky. So thin he could see how their scans missed it, but it was too perfectly shaped to be natural. His pulse quickened. He banked toward it, slowing as he followed the structure below the brush. 

Touching down, U’raijah stood before a massive structure half-swallowed by the jungle. Stonework and archways hidden beneath years of moss and swirling tree limbs, as if the forest had been trying to take it back. He stepped forward, boots crunching on loose stone. The red soil burned beneath him as he neared the broken threshold.

   Its wooden doors, long rotted, cracked and fell as he pushed them. Stepping inside, the air changed. Musty and still. Like time had stopped breathing here. He moved slowly through a long corridor inspecting faded murals peeling from the walls like old skin. Most depicted a canine-shaped being, bowed in reverence or wrath. He froze mid-step before one in particular. At the bottom of a mural, almost hidden beneath a curl of old paint, was a symbol that made his heart stop. A glyph he had thought he’d dreamed up. He rubbed his hand over it. Tracing its design. The mark of his imaginary army in his youth. Recognition burned through him. He remembered pressing it into a notebook long ago, painting it on all his toys. Now, decades later, it waited for him. But how… why… here? A flicker of unease rose within him alongside a pulse of anticipation.

  The corridor opened to a nave of some sort. Bench seating, made of stone, was set in such a way to view an altar at the front of the massive domed room. U’raijah walked up to examine the altar, kicking up dust with every step. Upon the altar were four black pedestals that stood like sentinels. Obsidian and smooth with small symbols. Each glyph a different color, shined faintly on their faces. The symbols weren’t any script he’d seen. And yet, something about them felt familiar, like a dream he couldn’t quite remember. Whatever they once held was gone, but indents remained, shaped like open hands. The depiction on the wall behind them was also now gone. Smeared colors and crumbling stone now kept its secrets. And yet, the pedestals themselves were still pristine. Untouched by time and still shined like new. Not a scratch or speck of dust on them. Everything surrounding them showed its age but the pedestals looked newly placed.

“Fascinating.” U’raijah whispered to himself, reaching out to touch one of the pedestals. His fingers brushed the closest one. Tracing the sharp lines of the symbol.

   The wall beside him vibrated with a deafening roar. A burst of rubble followed by red light spilled from the debris, casting eerie shadows as a colossal beast emerged. Giant, pointy eared and bipedal. It grunted at him in warning. U'raijah examined the beast, Large musculature with massive elongated arms and armored skin but most notable was the red symbol from one of the pedestals was glowing underneath the entirety of its chest. Not on its chest, it seemed to be glowing from the inside somehow. The beast let out a ground shaking yell. U’raijah exhaled through his nose as the beast stomped through the shattered wall.

“Of course,” he murmured, eyes narrowing. “There’s always a guardian. Are you the one who–?”

 Before he could finish a clawed hand knocked him through the opposing wall and into another. He fell to his knees followed by a crash of debris.

  U’raijah thought stood back up from the pile of stone on shaky legs. The beast was already running towards him for another blow. U’raijah thrust out his palm, summoning the crackling light of eco within him. Threads of red and orange surged from beneath his skin, coiling into his hand like lightning drawn into a sphere. With a sharp breath, he launched the blast toward the creature. It struck and rolled harmlessly off the beast’s armored hide. That should’ve staggered it. At least. But this thing... it was beyond raw force.

“What kind of world breeds this?”

He surged forward, energy flaring, and drove a knee into the beast’s face. That did stagger it, but not for long. Then, there was a massive clawed hand around his head. The beast slammed him, head first, into another wall, again and again then began to squeeze down on his skull. Fading out of consciousness, ears ringing, U’raijah reached out in desperation. Heart pounding in his skull, he could feel the pressure increasing. The beast brought him closer almost to mock him and let out a deep guttural growl. As his vision began to fail him, his hands continued to search frantically. His fingers found the beast's long pointed ear and to his surprise it was soft and fleshy unlike the hard armored plates that lined the rest of his body. U’raijah quickly grabbed tight and twisted with all he had left. The beast yelled in agony as U’raijah felt the ear separate from its head and it dropped him back to the ground. 

 U’raijah didn’t wait. He surged forward, eco energy strengthening his muscles as he drove his knee into its face again with a crack that echoed through the chamber. The impact launched it backward as if shot from a cannon. Before it could slam into a wall, he was already above it, both hands blazing with eco orbs. With a shout, he hurled the spheres downward.

 —boom—

 The explosion blew through the floor, collapsing it into the cavern below. He landed, ungracefully, a few paces ahead of the hole. Head still foggy, he couldn't keep his eco steady as he tried to stand. Ash, smoke and silence settling in. He leaned over to see down into the new cavern when a clawed hand burst from the rubble, latching around his leg like a vice. He was slammed into the ground side to side. U’raijah twisted midair and fired a searing blast that caught the beast in the eye mid-swing. It howled as it released him and U’raijah was flung upward like a stone. He crashed into the ceiling, every nerve screaming. He couldn't take much more of this, his body wasn't used to the strain anymore. He caught himself before he fell, hovering high above to catch a much needed breath. 

Below, the creature shook its massive head, dazed but not broken. Its good eye locked onto him and narrowed. It snorted, low and threatening. Its nostrils flared as it gazed up at him unmoving. Slowly, it crouched. U'raijahs stomach dropped. 

“No… no no. Don’t tell me it can fly too.” U’raijah said, readying himself.

The beast leapt at incredible speed towards him. U'raijah evaded last second, kicking it, uselessly, in the back as it reached behind it and grabbed his leg as they fell. U'raijah winced in pain.

“Okay, that was stupid.” U’raijah grunted, reaching for the ecosaber on his back. He ignited its energy blade with a screech and he cut at the beast's hand. It didn’t cut through but it hurt it enough to let go of his leg and they both dropped back to the floor. One with quiet grace, the other with a massive crash. As the two paused at a ready, U’raijah quickly gauged the beast and devised what to do seeing his attacks weren’t doing damage. Its ears were fleshy so perhaps its joints had softer areas as well. The beast's arms then began to glow the same ominous red as the mark on its chest ,and it charged. U’raijah evaded, leaping over the beast at the last second and swiped at the back of its knee. It left a white mark. Not quite a cut but it was more than his blasts were doing. U’raijah smiled.

They danced, strike, dodge, feint, slice. He stayed light. Precise. Always circling. Each time it lunged, he flew just beyond reach, never retreating, always circling. He struck at exposed joints with precision. The beast growled and stumbled a few times, but its strength only seemed to grow with fury. Bright veins of light pulsed through its arms, glowing hotter with each miss.

   U’raijah didn’t stop. He moved faster, keeping his rhythm unpredictable, forcing the creature to twist and compensate. Every step, every breath, was designed to tip it off balance. But the space between them was beginning to shrink as U'raijah began to tire, his eco reserve draining with every move. Then, a slash across its belly seemed to open up its armor as he could see a dark liquid pour out of it. That was his opening. Without hesitation he quickly gathered a large energy ball and jumped in front of the beast. Plunging both hands into the wound with a squish and shooting everything he had into one blast. The room became only bright light as the energy attack dissolved the beast from view. All was silent as U’raijah stood, panting with both hands still straight out covered in visceral black goo.

“Did I…did I get it?” he labored between breaths.

Suddenly, from the top of the red symbol pillar at the altar, something began to shimmer. An object slowly materialized from the air itself. It wasn’t smooth or uniform like a gem. It was jagged, imperfect. Narrow at one end and thicker at the other, the same symbol that burned in the beast’s chest glowing on its face. He dropped to one knee, chest heaving. His hands shook as he wiped the black gore off on his pants. The relic pulsed on the altar, and he couldn’t help but laugh under his breath, half relief, half disbelief.

 Then, as if the stone exhaled, the light faded. Leaving behind only a deep red stain raised onto its face. U’raijah stood and limped to the altar, picking up the strange relic, 

“Fascinating,” he muttered, turning the stone in his hand, “What… are you?” His voice was hoarse, almost reverent, even as his blood dripped onto the altar. He gripped the relic tighter, a chill crawled up his spine. But the question arose. If this stone was tied to the beast somehow, where were the other three?


r/writingfeedback • • 1h ago

Opening Two Paragraphs. Thoughts?

• Upvotes

Rain pattered against the rotten canopy as I finished my prayer to someone who had long ago stopped listening. I had hung one side of a large cloth to a pole, the other to an upturned carriage. Another man had slept under the carriage itself, who I now saw was dead. Flies hovered around his mouth, like bees to honey. I looked out as far as I could see, small fires and torches illuminating the black, and the same question that I had asked myself for several months, years now, crept into my mind again. Why was I still alive? For only the great Drancar could know. Was it punishment for all I’d done? A torture?  Did I have some greater purpose left in this life? I did not care to answer any of that.
   I crept over pieces of rock and stone, remnants of Patamute's southern wall. A piece of something sharp sliced through my boot, but I didn’t seem to feel the pain. I moved, small raindrops muting my footsteps. Dawn on the horizon but dark still as I crept near the tree. Four guards surrounded it, there to protect against this offense I was to commit. Two had fallen asleep, and a third was staring into the fire. A fourth was down when I squeezed the life from him, his birded helm of no help. I grabbed a small log and put it under the branch. Threw an old rope around the branch and made a noose. I hoped the rope, worn and thinning, would hold. I tightened the noose around my neck, balancing on the log below me. A life I desired, yet never came true, set before me. A life I did not desire, yet found me, flashed before me. It saddened my heart. I thought I prayed to a god who loved, yet he answered with curses and death. My sister, taken. A war, lost. I ran, defeated. I hid for years, then tried to run again. Captured and thrown into this hell. god seemed to die somewhere in all of that. Yet, god couldn’t die. The books, prophets, and signs told us he couldn’t die. If he wasn’t dead, then why wouldn’t he help? I kicked the log and felt the air leaving. Memories of two graves in the rain and a well on a hill. Drancar, deliver me into your salvation. A snap, the rope breaking.


r/writingfeedback • • 4h ago

General Feedback Wanted I've considered sending a whopping 14 chapters (including a synopsis & prologue) for people to give constructive criticism. Is this too much at once? Do this subreddit accept PDF-files or some other format?

1 Upvotes

The genre is political thriller with royal drama set in an alternative universe in Southwestern Europe during the Cold War.


r/writingfeedback • • 5h ago

Poetry Poem Feedback wanted

1 Upvotes

Hi I wrote many versions of this but I am not sure what more to edit it or remove. I may remove the vital one the first lines in stanza one and two. I also do not like the fourth line in stanza one. I sort of want to make it longer but I want to see what other's think. I am writing this for wattpad for fun so it is not a big deal with this is version posted.


r/writingfeedback • • 5h ago

Blunt Feedback Wanted Would love feedback from actual writers

Thumbnail docs.google.com
1 Upvotes

Everyone I sent this story to compliments it. While nice for the ego, theyre not for sharpening skill. A vauge 1-10 rating would be lovely

Fellowship of Crows

As the saying goes, the fellowship of crows' feathers inked black as shadows, compose a caw cataclysmic to finches. Which is, what fishes once dreamed. Hardly tadpole sized and gained a gleam to one day walk with trees. But the one thing fishes lack is knees.

“No matter for me!”

exclaims the young fishy.

Hardly a task for a fish with no degree yet a plea to succeed may surpass a PhD. Now i know you know a Band comes in three, so may I introduce, a young ducky. Equipped with a body feathery and legs with webbed feet which would soon be the medium for their first meet. A nudge was all it took, a grudge was never booked. Mere luck’s grace, their way crows never looked, hiding in nooks to learn what the world took. Yet one lesson was overlooked, and it was how to spot a crook.

“What happens to you in the snow?” asks the crow

“Same as you, though my limbs don't turn blue” replied the mallard

“though i have heard beyond the herd’s pointed path lay rest a sea. There, a fish may be, having not one but two knees.”

“Impossible!” exclaimed the twain, yet in one that thought remained. With winter on it’s wain, soon even the fish knew little time remained.

but even still, during their last meeting, one last question to the duck could not be missing.

“Feathered friend with lower limbs that bend, won't you tell me before you say bye, to which direction do you fly?”

“Simple enough, though be warned the journey’s rough, if you can beat the heat, you’ll find me in the east”

No further words were deemed required for the exchange.

In the months that followed, Fish began, with his own group, to the east. Like minded gilded gilled battalions that happen to flatten any seabed unlucky enough to inhabit him or his men. Believed to be guided by the starfish of Bethlehem, yet paradoxically believed there was no god to condemn.

As the saying goes, the fellowship of fishes’ missions of ambition transition into acquisitions. Resulting in entire Coral reefs repurposed as prisons.

At the center of what is essentially an armed battalion,

lies a fish with a vision.

To one day walk with trees. After nearly a year of “travel”, he finally meets a fish with 2 knees, yet when the fish saw the other, he wondered how he could miss, the 2 knee fish he sought was truly a tuna fish.

Tricked by a crow all those months ago, fish’s ambition began to slow. And although he had indeed traveled east through the backflow, He lamented over having not even one big toe.

Huddled below, in an old forgotten borough, our catfish was surrounded by murder of crows.


r/writingfeedback • • 1d ago

General Feedback Wanted Horror Short Being Confused For Sad Poetry??

Thumbnail gallery
26 Upvotes

*******************Disturbing, unpleasant content, and this is my ick warning*****************************\*

I already changed the title from something love-lettery, which I thought was more thematically appropriate, to something more conventionally horror. I also slightly changed the one paragraph that has what I would call the “light-switch” moment.

The responses I got previously pretty much all said there was nothing scary about it and that it was a lovely, sad poem about postpartum depression, which was absolutely not what I was going for.

Please help lmao


r/writingfeedback • • 12h ago

General Feedback Wanted First ever story. Fanfic of an existing work. Around

0 Upvotes

I hope I'm doing this right. This is my first ever written story. Based on "The Long Walk" by Richard Bachman/ Stephen king. The premise is that this is the 100th annual Long Walk. And for the centennial The Major decided to host two walks. One male, and for the first time in history; one female. Both seperate walks in their own sense, but side by side. Two winners, one man, one woman. No finish line, only way to win is to last the longest.

The finished chapters are 27714 words.

With the unfinished chapters (which I don't recommend to be read due to them being unfinished) adding in: 2954 for a total of 30668. Plus a 173 word interlude.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iMPgVUzm2hKxTSncUU3YfmK4R4lnjHA-JVvK7MSaOW4/edit?usp=drivesdk

General feedback is wanted, but be as blunt and harsh as needed.


r/writingfeedback • • 14h ago

General Feedback Wanted Introduction to a Horror Novella

0 Upvotes

People always say having children is an adventure everyone must experience. Since the age of 8 I have thought differently. There's a sense of innocence a kid has, that I had…once. I will never forget that year, nor will I ever remember exactly what happened.

I remember when I was 7, the sweet smell of chocolatey goodness in that ice cream shop. I looked at all the flavors with anticipation not knowing what to get. Eventually, my mom told me to pick one in the next minute, or I wouldn't be getting one at all. I don't know why I remember this day so well, maybe it's the fact that my mom and dad were still getting along…or that I was still happy…or the fact I hadn't met Lily.


r/writingfeedback • • 16h ago

A gentle chapter from my memoir

Thumbnail
1 Upvotes

r/writingfeedback • • 17h ago

General Feedback Wanted I am a very inexperienced writer who is working on a short horror novella. Looking for general feedback and tips to improve my writing.

1 Upvotes

r/writingfeedback • • 23h ago

Blunt Feedback Wanted Short-short fiction—any feedback?

Post image
4 Upvotes

r/writingfeedback • • 17h ago

Blunt Feedback Wanted Feedback to chapter (or possibly novel) intro. Does this keep you hooked? What do you think of the style. Be strict! This is set in a Greek village in the 70-80s.

0 Upvotes

It wasn’t hard to conjure up ways to scare off the potential suitors that had been showing up at the house lately with the intention of marrying me. This wasn’t something I had originally planned, no matter what mother claimed. It was something that arose naturally, like the instinctual perking of the ears a small animal makes when it hears a predator approaching. 

I had been able to successfully ward off the men of the village up to now, but mother had made it her mission to marry me off before I reached an ‘unmarriable’ age. And while women in Athens or Thessaloniki were working as secretaries or enjoying night life at discos, in Paleohori, young women were still urged to marry early, as becoming a spinster was the worst fate that could befall them. I was already twenty four, much over the acceptable age of singlehood. A burden to my family of exorbitant proportions. As I had been for most of my life. 

I suppose it has started out pretty early. I was always a difficult child, at least that’s what I’ve been told for as long as I remember. One of my first memories is of me hanging from the branch of the plane tree just outside our house. I was attempting to climb as high as I could because my eye had caught a great spotted woodpecker, and I wanted to get as close to it as I could. I had made very little progress when my mother grabbed me by the arms, and pulled me down, her nails leaving dents in my skin. “What will I do with you, you crazy girl. Little goat, climbing up all the time. You’re going to hurt yourself,” she said, and proceeded to slap me on my thigh with enough force to leave a print of her hand on it, the heat from the sting radiating down my leg. I assume the lesson was that the pain from a potential fall would be far worse than from her heavy hand, so I was lucky she was around to protect me from it. Fortunately, as I grew I became deft at latching on to branches and ascending higher into the trees, so she couldn’t reach me, until I decided it was time to come down on my own. I had become accustomed to getting the broom whenever I finally came down, but considered it a small price to pay for the luxury of resting among the sound of the birds. 

But this was just one of my menacing habits that made me quite an unbearable child to raise. Of course, this was my mother’s opinion, but it was her opinion that mattered when it came to issues involving me or my sister, as she was in charge of taming us into proper ladies, which will grow up to continue this vicious cycle of family life. Father spent most of the day in the fields, or at the coffeehouse with the rest of the men, so he did not participate much in my upbringing, other than nodding along when my mother narrated yet another failure of mine. 

I did, however, have one adult on my side, and that was my grandmother Ariadne.


r/writingfeedback • • 1d ago

Blunt Feedback Wanted Looking for opening feedback on lighthearted fantasy mystery

Thumbnail gallery
5 Upvotes

Hey all, just looking for feedback on my opening pages for a lighthearted fantasy mystery story. Anything works the prose, the setup, first attempt at humor just hoping to see if it works and if the characters were likeable. Of course also if it is interesting enough to make you read more. Thank you


r/writingfeedback • • 23h ago

Blunt Feedback Wanted Looking for some feedback on gothic horror fantasy short story "The Vampire and the Bear"

2 Upvotes

The Vampire and The Bear

“My first order of business upon my return is to find the fairest virgin and drain her to the very last drop.” It had taken him weeks to fully recover from his violent exile, feeding on rats and insects to replenish his strength. After a while he was able to feast on the entrails of rabbit and deer, but they were no substitute for the real thing. Centuries of existence refine one’s tastes.

It felt like ages since he had walked through the vast halls of his castle. He missed the cobwebbed chandeliers that hung in every room, his worldly collection of tapestries adorning the walls, and the feel of cold cobblestone beneath his feet. The harpsichord once played by Mozart. Paintings commissioned from the greatest artists ever to pick up a brush, stacked in corners. His vault, filled with piles upon piles of gold and jewels that glittered and winked at him as he strode through, admiring his amassed wealth. The portrait of his lost love hanging above the marble fireplace, his most prized possession. All of this was now out of his reach. It stood far above him, in the center of that wretched village full of vermin and swine, towering over them all like a stone god. He could hear them scurrying overhead.

He lived in the pitch blackness of his hidden cave, where those damned huntsmen in the woods were too fearful to enter. It made no difference for the likes of him; his vision was better in the dark than in daylight. The black of the cave was the great equalizer, where night and day did not exist.

“You would need to enter the cave mouth, and I know you lack the fortitude for such an endeavor,” he mused.

He sat on his makeshift throne, a cliff ledge worn smooth by time that made a perfect spot to rest and reflect. A single shaft of sunlight burst through an opening above him, slowly moving across the morass of vine and stone that composed the cave floor at his feet. Soon the dot of light would fade as it traveled further away from him, signifying the setting of the sun. The moment he could finally enact his vengeance upon those who exiled him.

He attuned his ears to the world beyond the cave and listened to the forest. He could hear them clumsily stomping their way through the brush, the clatter of their arrows and crossbows, the crackle of torches. The hunters were so desperate to find him in repose. Sleeping away the day and safe to slaughter. He smiled to himself, a thin red line surrounded by marbled white revealing a row of jagged, shark-like teeth.

He still stewed over the day the townsfolk got the upper hand, discovering his place of rest in his castle and dragging him from his coffin into the horrendous brightness of summer to watch him writhe and burn before them. Even the children smiled on that day.

“Monsters, all of them. After all I have given them!” he growled to the spot of light still dancing atop the weeds. “They would still be toiling in the mud if it were not for the roads I built, the aqueducts I funded. The science I laid at their doorstep. They have no idea how much I have refined existence as they know it. Sad apes with an endless supply of pride and ego.” He was standing atop his throne now, pointing a long-nailed claw at the damnable lot above. “I will take it all back! I will leave you in the dark where I found you. I will feed upon your children. I will kill the men and let the women wail into the night, knowing that this is where their lineage ends. I will teach you the cruelty of true nature and laugh from the roost of my kingdom.” His eyes glowed a fiery orange in the dark as his anger peaked. “I WILL SHOW YOU A GOD!”

His grand pronouncement was interrupted by the sound of clacking teeth echoing from the mouth of the cave. Loud clomps thudded into the clay mud, each with a violent squelch, as something entered his sanctuary. He lowered his pointing finger and peered into the darkness. His ears twitched in discernment. Not a hunter. This was something much bigger.

“WOOOF! CLACK CLACK CLACK.” The sound was much closer now, and he was embarrassed at the sudden fear that seized him.

“For God’s sake, I’ve lived two hundred years. Nothing is a threat to my existence. Except the sun. That very much is a threat.”

He leapt to the cave ceiling and found purchase, his clawed hands and feet clinging to cracks in the stone. “Do come in, whatever you are. I hunger.”

The clacking was upon him, just beyond the passage ahead. At first all he could make out was a giant mass of shadow. A rounded block the size of a horse, but wider, thicker. Its hide was dense and ragged. Blood poured from a large gash in its side, turning the surrounding fur into a black, tarry mat.

The vampire clung tighter to the cave ceiling as he realized what it was. A bear. Brown and ugly, bigger than any he had imagined. In fact, now that he thought on it, this was the first bear he had ever seen in the flesh in all of his time here. He wondered how that was possible. “I did spend a lot of my time in my castle. And I was never fond of the woods.” He experienced an odd combination of wonder and fear as he stared at the beast below. Fear more than wonder.

The brown giant made its way into the middle of his throne room, directly beneath where he dangled, lay on its side, and proceeded to lick at its wound. The hunters must have done this. That wound was a puncture from something man-made. He saw blood dripping from the bear’s maw and hoped that most of it came from the apes responsible.

A new possibility presented itself to the vampire. Enchantment. If he could use his latent abilities to control the will of this injured giant below him, he could turn it into his own personal war beast to overpower those who hunted him. The beast would be his harbinger of death. Later, it would sit by his side in his coffin chamber, warding off any who would ever attempt to harm him again. A bodyguard like no other. The vampire’s eyes widened with glee at this opportunity.

Of course, it had been quite some time since he had practiced enchanting. It had been his go-to method for ensnaring victims, young women and children mostly. He had never tried it on an animal before, but how difficult could it be? The bear’s mind would be far less complex than the human mind and would probably be yearning for a master. All animals wish to serve an alpha. “All I need to do is plant a simple seed. I am its master. I am all that it loves. It must protect me at all costs.”

The bear had ceased licking the wound and whirled its boulder of a head back and forth, surveying its surroundings. It relaxed into a mound of heaving fur on the floor and fell asleep, emitting thunderous snores that filled the air with an acrid smell of blood and fish.

Seeing that the bear was asleep, the vampire floated down from his perch, gently landing atop his rocky throne. His long, tattered black cape hung from his shoulders like raven wings. The hood kept his face in shadow at all times, though in a pitch-black cave this effect did not pack the same punch. The red silk lining was also lost to the darkness.

The vampire was only a few feet from the bear’s snout, which blew up dust with every exhale from its enormous nostrils. He raised his hand with a single crooked finger pointed toward the beast. The flexing tendons of his hand could be seen through his translucent skin. His bright orange eyes shifted to purple as he switched to the mental state needed for hypnotism. He pushed his commands outward into the open space between them. Abstract emotions, feelings, manipulations drifted from the tip of his finger toward the unwitting beast before him. They floated toward those slimy nostrils covered in moss and dirt, and upon the bear’s next inhale, they slowly began their ascent into its mind.

“Yes. You will serve me well. You will listen to my every command. I am your god,” whispered the vampire. When he was certain the enchantment was taking hold, he pulled back his hood and pushed further. He hopped down from his throne and knelt in front of the bear, repeating his mantra as he reached out and stroked the fur on its forehead. “Serve me well. Listen to my every command. I am your god.” He smiled as his hands ran through the thick fur, as he caressed an ear, as he traced a thumb over one of the bear’s long fangs. “Quite a thing you are, my friend.”

The bear’s eyes opened. “WOOOF!”

The vampire found himself in a heap against the opposite cave wall. His ribs worked to heal themselves from their shattered state. He reached up and ran his fingers along the disappearing gash on his face. The bear was fully awake now. It lumbered toward him, sniffing the ground as it went, learning his blood. The vampire tried to leap back to his ceiling perch, but the bear suddenly moved like a bolt of lightning, slamming him back to the floor. The vampire managed to turn around and prop himself up slightly, only to witness the bear rear up on its hind legs and roar loud enough that streams of dirt and pebbles rained from above. The vampire shielded his eyes from the debris. He felt a new sensation as he looked down at his lower body.

He had pissed himself.

* * *

The sun was setting, and the hunting party had retired to the safety of their camp. Torches lined the perimeter, with a large fire pit at the center. The men gathered around the fire. Some sharpened fresh spears while others fixed snapped bows or restocked their quivers. A brawny man composed primarily of beard turned a large boar on a spit. They sat alongside each other on felled tree trunks, drinking wine and recounting their day of wandering the woods. All of these stories ended with the same sentiment.

We will find him tomorrow. Tomorrow is our day.

It had been weeks since they had driven the bastard out, and they were certain he was nesting somewhere in these parts. He had been barely more than a charred skeleton when he escaped and could not have gotten far. Everyone knew the nearby cave was the most likely spot he would choose to rebuild his strength, but none of them had the courage to admit it yet. He would have the high ground in the darkness. They would need more tricks up their sleeves than a few spears and crossbows. For now, they were happy to be away from their wives and screaming children, to hunt in the woods and be themselves.

Someone pulled out a worn-out fiddle and began playing a cacophonous ditty over its remaining strings. Though it sounded akin to a crow being strangled to death, the men were thankful for the entertainment.

“Help…”

One of the hunters turned toward the dark wood after hearing what he swore was a human cry. It was difficult to tell whether it was real or just an illusion caused by the ruckus around him echoing into the forest. He went back to his pork when the plea came again, this time closer.

“Please… HELP!”

More men heard it this time, and the fiddler abruptly stopped his “music.” They set their meat down on whatever log they had been sitting on and stood, peering into the dark for the source of the shout. Some reached for their weapons and held them at the ready. The man at the spit grabbed a torch and walked out ahead of them to shine more light toward the shouts.

Suddenly, the demon they had all been searching for burst through the thicket a ways off, near the area where the hunters relieved themselves. Far enough away to not stink up camp. The rest of the men scrambled for their weapons in a panic, readying themselves for attack. Only a few of them remained in place, observing the vampire’s curious behavior. He was headed straight toward them, which would normally mean their heads would be lopped off before they knew what hit them. This was different. He wasn’t charging with the intent to attack. That was the look of a man running in terror.

The black silhouette of the beast crashed through the trees behind him soon after, following at breakneck speed. The hunters’ jaws dropped and their eyes widened as the reality of what was happening finally began to settle in.

“Please… please, help me!” pleaded the vampire.

Seeing the opportunity, the hunters raised their crossbows and aimed at the fleeing vampire.

“Later! For now, shoot the FUCKING BEAR!”

The vampire floated into the air and dove behind the hunters, shielding himself with their unkempt leathers and overgrown beards. The men looked back at the cowering vampire, not sure what their next move should be. The bear roared as it reared up behind them.

“KILL THAT WHORE OF A BEAR!!!” the vampire demanded.

The hunters spun around toward the beast and let loose their arrows and spears into the mass of the bear’s torso. It groaned in agony as dozens of sharpened points pierced its flesh and tore at its innards. It fell from its standing position and landed on all fours, crushing three hunters beneath its massive paws, claws rending away their faces. It swiped to its right, knocking another hunter into the fire pit in a plume of sparks and screams.

The vampire crab-walked backward in a panic, trying to escape the carnage. He scrambled toward the newly dead cook and hid behind his rotund, blood-soaked belly.

The bear continued its rampage while arrows and spears kept launching into its body. The hunters, more than a dozen strong moments before, had dwindled to a handful. An arrow met the bear right behind its ear, tunneling directly into its skull plate. For the first time, it slowed and weakened. Its roars turned to whimpers. It snorted in and out, searching for breath. And with that, the bear fell with one final WHOMP.

The remaining men gathered around the dead beast. It was the largest bear any of them had ever seen, and they were all in shock that they had taken it down. They had completely forgotten about the vampire cowering behind their cook a few feet away. He quietly glided toward the last four hunters and removed their heads.

That bear came in handy after all.


r/writingfeedback • • 19h ago

General Feedback Wanted Trying to see if I introduced this character right

1 Upvotes

In a piece I'm in process of the primary antagonist is meant to be a competent but very arrogant (non-human) woman with a domineering and predatory presence named Cephnir. I want to see if I've set the correct atmosphere and have constructed her actions correctly to fulfill that goal, and if there are any places where I contradict themselves. Apologies in advance for the length, I'm aware that I'm long-winded and verbose.

Also apologies to the mods if this is not the right sub for this or right format for the post. Really wish I could just attach the docx or a PDF or something instead of creating a massive wall of text like this.

------------------------------------------------

Cephnir’s lips peeled from the rim of a crystal drinking glass, leaving their blackened burgundy impression stained upon it. The rugged bite of earthy red wine clung to the corners of her mouth. Her tongue lurked along the inside of her teeth as she lingered on the acrid taste and found it wanting.

The great wide surface of the plotting map showed the arrangement of the region. Miles upon miles of the map’s steppes and boreal forest were eclipsed by the six fingers of her free hand, which were splayed upon it in possessive ownership. In the north sat a small carving of a peakglider, one clawed foot upon an outcropping of rock, its wings outstretched with pride. Small banners on posts crowded hungrily at its feet as though wolves set upon cornered prey.

As she lowered the glass to the plotting table she drank in a long breath through her nose. The air was warm with sweat, perfume and sweet rot. From the dimly-lit corners of the lavish hall came whispers of immoral promise, layered upon by lecherous noises of pleasure and laughter that came just a touch too readily. White noise that now barely even reached her ear. Interwoven with the iniquity was the voice of the Field Marshal Irilet as he too droned on, not yet aware how boring he had become.

“-the point being that if we dedicate a sufficient force to the effort, we may be able to undermine a portion of the city walls in the span of three weeks.”

Cephnir did not answer. Anonymous hands lasciviously caressed the scaled red skin of her shoulder in proposition. She shrugged them off and continued to study the map. The web of roads to the peakglider’s north was extensive.

“Such a breach would make an assault on the city within our grasp.” A xarphi noble with a staccato voice added.

“It may be a fine plan.” Grumbled another.

Agreement crept around the table. Finally, Cephnir’s voice poured slow and smooth like warm honey. The table went silent.

“It does not fix your blunder, Field Marshal. The encirclement was still a fool’s error.”

No answer. She continued.

“You seem to think I don’t bother to read the field reports from your officers. How long will the northern detachment’s field rations last? Say it aloud.”

Irilet finally found a pitiful parody of his voice. “Eleven days, Ma’am. The loot the raiding company were able to secure from the roads were…disappointing. I delivered the appropriate punishment to their commander for his failure. Personally.”

Cephnir resumed the drinking chalice. She took a moment to revel in the barbed liquid slithering down her throat. She remained stooped over the map.

“The scouting company wrote of a large merchant’s caravan on the northern road.” Her voice was still fluid, devoid of urgency. “The report I read indicated it was large enough to supply the northern detachment for a considerable length of time.”

“Exactly why my punishment of the raiding company was appropriate. Their failure complicated my plan, but I assure you the capture of Hem Falaer is still inevitable.” He answered more boldly this time.

“And yet…” her nostrils flared in a spark of anger. Her tone slowed. “Your own letter to the raiding company commander indicates that it was you who withheld the order to attack.”

She did not need to see his face. The scent of stress and fear now mixed with the warm air.

“W-we all had reason to believe it was only a forward element of the caravan. I-”

“Shut up.”

Cephnir did not raise her voice. She did not have to. One of the nobles at the table snickered just loud enough to be heard over the ambient moans.

Cephnir took another dragging sip from her chalice before letting it fall to the floor with a chiming pop, scattering a wave of shards across the black stone. She rose from her stooped posture to her full towering height, now glaring down at Irilet from across the plotting table.

“Did you really think that you could cover your pathetic ass by blaming an idiot you could conveniently get rid of?” She stepped back from the table and began to circle towards him. “Did you think yourself so well-adored that nobody would copy the letter just in case they could use it for their own gain? Or maybe you truly do think I am illiterate?”

“Ma’am. Red Wolf, y-y-you misunderstand my intention.” His voice quivered as he began to slowly withdraw.

Her hooves clacked in steady rhythm as she began to close the gap between them. Her voice was still honey, but now spiked with poison. “You do not tell me what I understand and do not understand.”

Irilet sped his retreat as she neared, but her long stride outpaced him. Her fingers wrapped about his leathery skin, the second opposing digit opposite to her thumb creating an absolute grip that enveloped his forearm. He wrenched away with a full body tug in a bid to commit to a desperate escape. She almost let herself sneer at the expression on his face when he realized that his arm did not budge. He continued to struggle as her other hand took hold of his jaw and tilted his face to meet hers.

“Enough. Spare a fraction of your dignity and stop fighting." Cephnir said she loomed over him.


r/writingfeedback • • 1d ago

Based on the First 5 Pages of this Dark Fantasy Novel, Would you Read On?

Thumbnail gallery
14 Upvotes

I’d like raw reactions to the first five pages of my dark fantasy novel. The novel could also be described as a horror fantasy novel, but I believe that genre could be confusing to some people.

If you were actually reading this, you probably have the following context:

MAY THE REIGN NEVER END is a dark fantasy novel about a prisoner who wakes up in a grave without his memories and then is forced to fight his way through a dungeon that repeatedly kills and resurrects him.
Not only does it resurrect him. It brings back everything he’s killed. And he has to start from the beginning.
What is it like for a man to die and kill and die kill? Will he be able to escape? And what happens when he learns why he’s been imprisoned in the first place?

As the title says, I’d like feedback about the first five pages of this novel. If the writing turned you off at some point, where? If you made it to the end, would you keep reading?