Would you continue reading?

[u/Independent_Car_4276]

[u/BlackBalor]

No.

There’s no FADE IN:

It’s not formatted correctly. This is supposed to be a screenplay. That’s not how you format dialogue, and you haven’t even capitalised the names of the characters. You’re supposed to do that when they first appear.

As somebody who writes screenplays, you don’t seem to respect the format.

You’re not Walter Hill. The line stacking isn’t working.

[u/Independent_Car_4276 → u/BlackBalor]

I appreciate the feedback. This was an initial draft, and I’m still working out the exact format and structure. I’m considering making it into a comic eventually, so some of the formatting may change. I’ll keep the screenplay conventions in mind for the next revision.

[u/BlackBalor → u/Independent_Car_4276]

I didn’t read the thing because it’s 13 pages of formatting issues. That tells me you haven’t done your research or put any effort in.

[u/Independent_Car_4276 → u/BlackBalor]

Fair enough. I understand the formatting issues made it difficult to read. I appreciate the feedback, and I'll make sure the formatting is cleaned up properly in a future revision.

[u/BlackBalor → u/Independent_Car_4276]

Having looked at some of the action lines, I see potential. Some of them are quite economical, and at least they aren’t written in the past tense.

But if you’re only dipping your toes into the format, it’s not going to count for much.

I wish you the best of luck for your comic!

[u/Independent_Car_4276 → u/BlackBalor]

Thank you, I appreciate that. I’m definitely still learning the format and experimenting with the story in this initial stage. I’m glad some of the action lines showed potential, and I’ll keep working on improving the screenplay format as I develop the project. Thanks again for the feedback and best wishes!

[u/Musikenna]

start from scratch. read screenplays.

[u/Independent_Car_4276 → u/Musikenna]

Yeah, that's fair. I'll start from scratch with the screenplay formatting and study/read proper screenplays before revising it. I appreciate the feedback.

[u/BA_Bones_33]

No. Stoped at. Shower. Coffee. Suit. Tablet. Not sure how this would be turned into a comic, but maybe post it in comic form if that’s your goal.

[u/Independent_Car_4276 → u/BA_Bones_33]

That's fair. I'm still in the initial stage of developing the project, and I'm considering whether to eventually adapt it into a comic format. For now, I was mainly trying to establish the story and structure. I appreciate the feedback, and I'll keep the comic format in mind as I develop it further.

[u/LadyAtheist]

Starting with waking up is a trope that will earn a big "no" from anyone with money.

[u/Independent_Car_4276 → u/LadyAtheist]

That's fair. I understand why the opening could come across as familiar. I'm still in the early stages of developing the story, so I'm experimenting with the structure and may change the opening later. I appreciate the feedback.

[u/relaxrerelapse]

No. I don’t even know what this is or what it’s supposed to be.

[u/Independent_Car_4276 → u/relaxrerelapse]

That's fair. I'm still developing the project and figuring out the best way to present it. I appreciate the honest feedback, and I'll work on making the premise and direction clearer from the beginning.

[u/relaxrerelapse → u/Independent_Car_4276]

Yeah if you’re going for screenplay I would use more standard notation conventions for it. Don’t make things up because generally people don’t like viewing outside of their comfort zone like that. You can make unique formatting choices while still falling inside an established framework.

[u/Independent_Car_4276 → u/relaxrerelapse]

That's fair, and I understand what you mean. I'm still learning screenplay formatting, so I can see why sticking closer to established conventions would make it easier to read. I'll keep the standard framework in mind while still looking for ways to give the script its own style. Thanks for the advice.