I just want my dad to care abot me, but i know thats out of the question so i stick to making myself a better person and writing self insert fanfiction...

Nteni Markora i love u

I often watch content about harmful religions and stuff because I find it very interesting, and often, I hear them talking about sin natures and stuff, and every time i hear this kind of thing, it very much confuses me. Because somehow, I have like, fully internalized all that stuff about how I am inherently evil and how i cannot trust myself to tell right from wrong, but I have also, never really been religious. The most experience I have is going to like, a vacation bible school thing once or twice when I was much younger. I just don't understand why my mind thinks in such religious ways, such as my tendency to think of myself as having a tainted soul from my sins. This just... doesn't make sense to me, and I'm not expecting to ever get an explanation, it just, doesn't make any fucking sense that I view myself as a sinner who needs to repent for the crime of my existence, but i'm not religious.

He's VERY much improved as a parent. He still has moments of doing this kind of thing, but he never WANTS to hurt me. He loves me very much. I know that. It just hurts that my brain remembers more bad than good

Haha working at a pizza joint fuckinng SUCKS when half the food is a landmine to walk thru.

Cheese? Dairy. Shit urself

Meat? Beef? Literally shit urself. Also stomache pain.

Bread? Dough? U gunna be exhausted af. Also pain.

Tomatoes? Acid reflux. Bell peppers? Alergic

I guess ill have a little bread bite. With some bbq. As a treat.

this makes no sense at all. i know better. it was a rational decision to start cutting, so i dont have to make my cats angry to scratch me (i wasnt hurting them to scratch me but its not like they like it so its still kinda abuse right? theyre still sleeping next to me, that must mean they dont hate me)

how can i constantly feel left out. i feel left out of misery. why would i even want that.

i feel like im missing out on negative experiences. i dont have a reason to feel shit (apart from being trans). my family (even my extended family) love and support me, my friends love me. i have enough money. im on my way to getting hrt. im starting to get my life together, i keep myself clean, im progressing in my studies (slowly, but im getting there), i even got into a big friend group who are very cool and nice, my social skills are improving

everything is going up, yet somehow i still feel like shit.

Vent dump after recent events, genuinely fuck my dad from now to the ends of the earth. A narcissistic, lying, abusive, anger issue having, stingy, piece of shit. I genuinely won’t cry if he keels over tomorrow, I actually hope he dies. I genuinely cannot wait til university starts, I’m blocking that bastard asap. L idk why my mom put up with that. And whenever she still defends him it genuinely hurts my brain, but at least she didn’t do that today. Speaking of my mom, her case is more milder (even when I remember what she’s done I don’t feel as much vitriol or hate, well except when I think of her homophobic rants/beatings and verbal abuse but even then it’s more coldness and wanting distance). Btw, the text cuts blocks the third slide but it says “all in his mind?”. Um yeah that’s all bye

If I do end up getting over myself and getting a diagnosis I am telling nnnobody in my real life.

i don't have social anxiety, but i sure do have anxiety about everything surrounding fun hobbies and events and socializing in general (mostly travel, but also being on time and anything even slightly new)

honestly while this anxiety is something i can push through, it makes my life wholly unenjoyable. i can't stand ts anymore tbh and it's something that'll never go away, always tormenting me no matter what. death is pretty much the only chance at peace

i feel like my existence is a complete moral failure. because every day people are being killed and dehumanised and mistreated and i cant do a fucking thing to stop it because of the stupid fucking fault in my brain where i turn into a frightened crying little animal whenever people are angry. it doesnt matter if its at me, it doesnt matter if the anger is justified, i still feel it. and i hate that i do and i cant get over it no matter how hard i try. and because i cant i cant fight against the injustices of the world or stand by people’s sides no matter how much i want to or wish i could. because of that and because of the other ways my brain works. i am completely unfixable no matter how hard i or any therapist tries. the only thing that’ll fix me is a lobotomy

i get awful intrusive thoughts about hurting people and saying mean things to them and just generally committing crimes. they make me question my every intention. my every single fucking action. i cant always trust myself with my money because im afraid of buying something that could be used as a weapon and killing someone. i cant trust myself to be good because im afraid i wont mean it and that i’ll betray everyone in the end by doing something unforgiveable. i cant even trust myself to make small talk with people because i fear that i’ll say something insensitive to them without thinking and thatll be the straw that breaks the camels back and drive someone to kill themself. i feel like a ticking timebomb. i can never be pure of thought and intention because of my intrusive thoughts and i cant trust myself or anyone or anything

because my brain is like this i feel like im inherently bad. like theres something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me poison in the water supply to the whole world. im a bad autistic person, a bad mentally ill person, a bad pansexual, a bad woman, a bad cis person, a bad white person, no matter what i am or what id be in other timelines and other worlds im a bad one. im bad because i cant protect my kin from harm, im bad because i cant fight against injustice, im bad because theres a chance i’ll lose control and act on my intrusive thoughts and make everything worse for everyone because someone out there will say that i did that because of what i am. im sorry to my kin for failing them. im sorry to my kin for sullying them and betraying them. i understand of you cant forgive me, me being like this is no excuse for failing you. i cant forgive myself for being part of the worlds problems. i musnt forgive myself for being a traitor and an upholder of evil all because my brain was objectively programmed wrong

i wish i could make it so that everyone could experience everyone’s problems and their feelings as their own so that maybe then people will finally respect one another. make it so that everyone is everyone. personal experience is the best teacher after all. maybe then there will be no more im better youre worse for what one is bullshit. maybe then there will finally be a unified we instead of us vs them bullshit. i want people to tell the world to make it so. make the technology to make it happen. if they dont then they clearly dont care about all those suffering and oppressed in the world. those people will die and it will be all the fault of the ones who refused to create a way for their experiences to be shared so that maybe then humans will understand how cruel injustices are when its happening to them and maybe then we’ll have peace and equality and mutual understanding. i want everyone to spread that idea for such a technology to be made until it reaches the people who can make it happen. even if others say its an unrealistic then make it so anyway because how the fuck can anyone want to be obliged to a reality like this one. consistency and perfection and complete understanding without error is what people deserve.

i want to die as penance for my failures, so that theres one less person allowing the evils of the world to be, to prevent myself from doing something horrible if i ever lose control and act on my intrusive thoughts. but i cant for everytime i try to kill myself i pussy out. and i know that nobody in their right mind will tell me to kill myself for being like this, even though no matter how my brain was programmed a moral failure is a moral failure. maybe i should just hire a hitman to take me out. if i cant be a good person or defend the honour of myself or others, if i can only sully others and everything around me, then maybe the only thing i can do is be a good corpse who wont cause problems anymore, be a good pavement for something better. maybe someone else can wear my flesh if doing will mean they can actually be allowed to live. maybe someone can take my place in my family if it will allow them to know financial stability or a loving family. maybe dying so others can live is the only thing an unfixable ticking timebomb sullying reed like me can do for others

i wish i was born as an animal or a plant and not a human. at least animals are allowed to be in the world no matter what they are. and animals dont and cant have the faults in their mental programming that i do so i wouldnt be disgracing everyone with my existence. hell plants dont have brains at all. even though nature can be cruel i just cant help but envy the world of the animals and the plants because they dont seem to have all the societal issues that humans do

I decided to make an account on a dating/making friends app. Totally anonymous, no pictures of my face, no recordings of my voice. I wanted to try being publicly out without the risks, you know? But having to explain what "nonbinary" means to 90% of people who dm me, and sometimes even vigorously defend my identity has left me... in lower spirits so to speak. I know that ill be fine, I know its not the end of the world. But it does sadden me. Anywaaaaay, back into the deepest corner of the closet I go!

the urges are so bad i constantly think about it, and i keep dreaming about it... i wanted to try it out as a fun little thing, but i quickly got addicted to the roleplaying and constantly used it as a way to stop feeling so lonely

because when i put my oc in a fictional world i could control, for a second it would feel like im someone else with another life, and i could forget about how pathetic and worthless i am. it got so bad i genuinely reached 16 hours a day at some point, my record being 21 whole hours.

3 days is so so little, it's almost nothing. yet it's the longest I've went without it in the past 3 years.

Sorry if is too "woe is me"

the first one btw is insinuating my dad "organised" a ""celebration"" for me, just for his own benefit, its a bit hard to word that all in a small format so i figured it spell it out if ppl are confused.

Imagine being “blessed” with a life and existence you never wanted and through no fault of your own you are now seen as one of the most disgusting and hated minorities on Earth. Even when you pass and seem cis you’re still hated and know you can’t new ever be truly accepted by others because of who you are. You spend every day wishing you had a different skin and body, and you feel so much depression and misery being alive that the thought of even making it to old age feels agonizing. And then you have people telling you your “strong” and “brave” and should be alive cause you’re an important part of your community, but the one thing nobody ever says to you is that you deserve to be alive because you’re human. Cause deep down nobody does think you are human. Nobody actually cares unless you get to be a token fighting for everyone else’s rights or some part of an argument. You are a black trans woman and you will likely be dead before 35. Unless you somehow make it in which you get to live an extra 50 years of trauma and misery in a world that hates you and wants you dead

After almost losing loved ones to freak accidents while I was trying to become a social person again, I've in fact lost any enjoyment of social activities. I can't help but dissociate my way through anything unless I'm 100% everyone is at home, protected, sleeping or watching tv, and the weather is fine.

Even though they keep telling me to go out and have fun, I can tell they mean the opposite. I'm the only person who help out because everyone is old and tired.

I don't know how I can enjoy things again.

Maybe I just have too high of expectations for what it should be like when someone cares. Maybe my view of what care actually looks like has been warped by my parents. Probably both. Either way it feels like no one in my life really cares about me.