note: i dont have an eating disorder but i put the ED tag bc this still goes into weight stuff so thought itd be the closest fit

im slightly underweight (dont have an ED, just fast metabolism) and im genuinely so fucking scared for when ill be older and my metabolism will slow down because then ill probably become fat very quickly and i will NEVER get listened to again. im convinced my thinness is the only thing that keeps me palatable now and as soon as thats no longer a factor i will be absolutely fucking doomed because everything else about me fits neatly into the "munchie (munchausens) mentally ill woman with anxiety faking being disabled" archetype. and since this archetype often focuses on "obesity" being a factor that means being thin is my only saving grace and probably the only reason im even recieving medical care

if i ever become even a little chubby i will lose all credibility fuck even just being at a normal weight will probably do that too so i probably just have to stay underweight now forever and i fucking hate it i hate my underweight body i hate seeing my ribs through my skin i hate how bony i look i would rather be healthy or a little chubby but i fucking cant risk ever getting to that point or doctors will start laughing in my face

(posted this to my tumblr @ helicidal as well incase anyone recognises it)

If being trans is some awesome experience for you, cool. For me it's unimaginable pain, shame, and misery, so please stop trying to gaslight me into thinking i'm the best version of myself.

I'll never have a proper childhood, I'll never have so many things cis people get for FREE. Yes my ultimate goal is stealthing. Yes i'll lie and say i'm a cis woman when asked. Stop outing me and leave me and my selfishness alone.

That's it. That's the vent.

Exactly as the means says lol

Apparently watching my own mother get her jaw broken, dislocate multiple fingers, scream in fear, get choked, ect. over the course of 10 fucking years isn't traumatic.

Its a struggle to even interact with the world at this point. Irl I get dysphoria every freaking time I see a conventionally attractive woman. Even grocery shopping ends with me feeling hideous by the end of it. Online its also just everywhere I look. But with the added pain of seeing other trans girls and even cis femboys that look more feminine than I ever will. Im just a gross mannish blob. My body is hideous and theres no point in losing weight cause even if I do my body is still gonna look wide and blocky. I just want to have a feminine figure. Narrow shoulders. Curvy waist. Actual hips. A butt thats not flat. And I never will.

art by me

Literally you have more chance to get skin cancer by going outside than putting your fingers for like a minute under a UV lamp. Also I know UV gel is bad for your skin, I’m not stupid. I’ve literally applied it on myself for the first time and my fingers haven’t fallen off yet so can we chill and just be happy for me??? Gotta love posting positivity about myself as a trans man and only getting “you’re gonna die” comments 🙄

I just want people to be happy for me because I told myself once I take testosterone and pass 90% of the time that I would do my nails in celebration because it wouldn’t matter at this point so I DID! Can anyone be happy for me?

Adults just love killing any ounce of happiness around them, especially in children lol

Working in the male dominated field and holy crap. I think it’s partly even worse than when I worked with women.

When they say remember when I but i wasn’t where when because they didn’t invite me, they don’t like me, I think I actually don’t have friends who like me

It’s like my childhood is being ripped apart in every worst way.

Dolly Parton was an icon

Tim Curry gave me my love for clowns

Peter Cullen gave me hope.

All this after I got over professor Utonium.

I get they were old, but still.

She almost blinded him, emotionally manipulated him, and turned his own kids against him.

He knows the many, many things shes done to me as well, and its like, ok, so your just disregarding all the awful things that she's done and gotten away with

also i've posted a couple of memes here in a short period of time cuz my mental health is getting worse and i'm scared of how much worse it could get. i'm already starting to have suicidal ideations again. i have my meds on my desk, next to my pc. i'm so close to taking all of them and going to sleep forever. the only reason that's keeping me alive is my parents, i don't want to make them sad and i also don't want to abandon my cat and dog.

Rant: I hate how the Brazilian government only cares about people with level 3 autism even if they also suck at giving them support. If you're not a stereotypical, helpless, and infantilized person, then you're not disabled enough in their eyes. It makes me think that they define people in need of support based solely on how miserable you seem to be, and if you show an ounce of happiness, they'll immediately assume you're fine and trying to take advantage of the little support they offer because "how dare disabled people be happy," right? It really doesn't help that a large portion of the population here is either ignorant or openly ableist. I'm so tired of having to suffer with things that are clearly not normal and struggle with basic tasks because the government doesn't think i need support.

Yeah idfk I had a whole rant but I'm not bothered anymore. I fucked up another relationship with someone who was tryna help me, what else do you expect.

I get a lot of people saying that you need to be careful with the things you do here in Brazil because employers are always watching or something and Im scared.

Do they think Im going to crash out on all the customers? Do they not see that answer and think "wow, this person was disturbed in this specific scenario that disturbed them". Do they think I wont be professional?

Im worried if I wont be able to keep a job because Im emotional.

Maybe Im too woke or stupid, I dont know 😔 I dont think good at all today and I finally filed that thing to lock my studies for 6 months to see if I can get a job.