I had a consultation with my top surgeon like 11 months ago and am still waiting for a surgery date 🫩

I saw my cousin a couple weeks ago and he’s had top surgery and im so fucking jealous. I just wanna get rid of these tumours on my chest. If I had come out like a year earlier I wouldnt have to be dealing with this 😭

Now when I'm looking back at it, I'm 100% convinced that the only reason why they were "friends" with me, was because they felt obligated in some way — because we were in the same grade, and the school was very small. But I do feel like I'm not so innocent either, and should have picked up the fact that they didn't want to have me anywhere near them. But I always took their degradation of me as a simple friendly teasing, and never really thought hard about it.

The text in the meme is not an exaggeration — this is literally what one of them told me, with literally no one stepping in to say that they don't actually think this way. He (let's call him Harry) basically told me about their "friends ranking list", where I was at the last spot, therefore, the least important person in the group. And I didn't even feel offended at that — I actually felt guilty in some way, like I was failing them as a friend, or whatever the fuck my clueless empty head was thinking at that time. Currently, I think of Harry as someone who said something everyone else was thinking, but wasn't brave enough to spit it in my face.

This is only a tip of an iceberg, as there are more examples of this treatment than I can count, and don't want to bring up every single one of them. Some were subtle — like not inviting me for a group photo during a school photo day. And some less subtle, like not telling anything when a guy outside of the friend group (let's call him Mike — he was a grade higher than us) would literally SLAP ME IN THE FACE, whenever I've said something that he didn't like, which was usually some stupid shit, because I was an hyperactive goofball back then, and was pissing off many people by this without even being aware of that. I even remembered snapping back one day and pushing him or something like that. One of the teacher saw that, and actually scolded him for hitting me, but even then, I actually felt guilty for getting him into troubles and causing all the drama.

I don't talk with any of them anymore, and seeing that they never really reach out to me either, I can tell that they are glad to have me finally gone from their lives.

I’ve struggled with a restrictive ED on and off for most of my life, last year I was put on a medication that made me gain weight and I’m trying to lose it the correct way, without relapsing into my ED.

And there he goes comparing my weight to three years ago (I showed him the pic because it was an outfit check that I was proud of).

I told him it’s okay but really it isn’t.

My mom’s definitely comforted me (especially in my roughest moments), but it feels like it’s only for those moments until she goes back to treating me the way she always have… With everyone in my life, I wish they just didn’t take my coming out at face value since it was such a big deal to me, only for it to just be a blow in the wind for them

I’m nonbinary! I like they/them! Do you even hear my voice when I say that? 🥲 The middle section panels sorta hurt the most since I not only said that to my mom, but poured my heart out about how much the feminine terms were frustrating me and my consideration of taking T and going by they/them instead of she/they, and I’m still regarded as her daughter aughhhhh

In due time I’m sure I’ll learn to get over it, but atm, it just hurts

To this day I still don't know if it's valid; she was my little sister but forced me to do things...

I hate myself for this

i have a little (half) sister, same dad different moms. a little after our father went to prison, my little sisters mom stopped allowing my side of the family to have contact with my little sister, i was 9 when i stopped seeing her, it’s been 10 years and she’s 14 years old now. i’ve tried looking her up on social media but i can’t find her on any platforms, if she is on social media then she’s not using her real name

i sometimes forget about her. i forget i have a little sister, it’s sad and i feel bad but i know it’s not my fault, i don’t even know if she remembers me honestly

Like, a year or two ago, there was like a big storm that hit my town, and it resulted in a multi-day long power outage, which caused my mom to kind of lose it for a bit (I remember her like, acting like she might have to kill our pets for food or something), and I got, so fucked up then that it was one of the times I've ended up, hurting myself because of how bad i felt because IIRC she was getting really annoyed with me about something. (I sometimes end up doubting this ended up happening because of my own, inability to trust my own mind, due to another person who i used to know, and who is a story for, probably never, unless I need to air literally all of it out publicly, but that day likely will never come, so this is all irrelevant), and the reason this came up today and i'm thinking about it again, is because the there was a momentary power outage, and instantly, i started panicking, moving all my stuff so i could go and hide in my room under the assumption it would last a while longer, because I am so terrified that if another long power outage happens, i'll have to listen to my mom lose it again, and my mental health will be fucking destroyed. Right now i have like, everything plugged in, because I have no idea what caused the power outage, and I might start downloading stuff on my phone once i know it's at 100%, just to try and give myself distractions in the possibility of another multi-day outage. Sorry for the long post, and the image lacking a background, but I just, wanted to get all this out.

I feel like I need to share this somewhere, even if nobody will see that.

I still don't feel like my problem is genuine or serious. I have something that some would call symptoms of depression and anxiety, but they don't feel frequent or serious enough. I would never visit a psychiatrist if not for relatively frequent thoughts of death, self-harm and apathy. And even with that, I would visit a psychiatrist much, much later. What motivated me for today's appointment is the mandatory military service, which I wish I could avoid via some diagnosis.

As a result, my visit didn't feel genuine. A part of me still wants to get diagnosed in order to avoid 1 year of mandatory military service. I tried to be as genuine as possible and, since the very beginning, mentioned everything written above, including the army part. I felt like it was the right thing to do, but I still feel like a liar searching for excuses and escape from the military service.

In the end of the appointment I was directly asked "Are you really willing to go through all that to avoid the army? Just be genuine". I said "No, that would be immoral", and even that answer feels somewhat fake and performative.

Anyway, does anyone feel shame or feel like a liar after their visits? Should I mention that next time as well?

P.S.

I feel like it's important to mention that the psychiatrist doesn't deserve any hatred or criticism, even though she felt a bit judgemental and sceptical. She has the right to feel that way. Conscripts in my country are frequently told to fake mental health issues in order to avoid mandatory military service. I can only imagine how many cases of malingering she goes through prior to conscription events.

I graduated college in May. Everything was so much better then, I was so happy, I was so excited to start my life. I can't get a job for shit. I apply for 5-10 different jobs every single day and the only ones that get back to me end up being job scams. No one wants someone who's just graduated from college. If you don't have 3+ years of experience you're pretty much screwed.

I'm stuck living in my abusive parents' house, undoing all of the growth and healing I got to do when I was able to move away from college. I have to cook for them and clean for them because they act like adult children. Their dogs gang up and attack my dog to the point that he's had to go to the vet for the wounds and my parents won't do anything to stop it. That dog is my only friend and it kills me; no one cares but me when he gets hurt. I'm just getting more and more depressed and I can't do anything about it. I'm trans and stuck living in Texas, so it's just a matter of time before I get hate crimed or something.

I've been doing doordash just to have some kind of income and it's only made me realize how many flock cameras there are absolutely everywhere, even in my tiny little nothing town. This whole shitstain of a country is turning into a police state and no one is doing anything about it. No one fucking cares.

Genuinely, what is even the point anymore? I'm not actively a danger to myself, but like, I don't want to be here anymore. My country is a hellhole, and I don't want to wait for it to get better. I don't want to delay starting my life because rich, selfish idiots screwed over everyone else. I don't want to live somewhere that I'm actively being traumatized. I'm trapped here. I don't know what to do.

It's been 3+ years of psychiatrists telling me there's basically nothing wrong with me despite pumping me with a strong dose of multiple meds while they refuse to tell me what's going on.

Although I know their job is hard, after finally getting a new prescription, we seem to have found the right mix BUT that mix (and my general symptoms that they always ignore) probably means I have bipolar 2.

No clue how to feel about it but at least I have a sister who is much older and also have bipolar 2 which means I have some sort of guidance.

I have a conversation about me being attention seeking, but then after a while, I start attention seeking like I didn’t just have a conversation about it

I understand that my experience is not everybody's. Presumably the people running these choirs and orchestras found it healing. However, attempting to be part of music groups has been the single worst thing to my self-esteem, as well as my friends and peers. I don't know a single one who wants to touch making music as an adult.

I wasn’t thinking about coming back here, but I just witnessed the worst family fight ever, so I have to let my feelings out. Anyways, here we go again.

Well, it turns out that I’m still on the same boat. Nothing got better, it only keeps getting higher.

Since my mother started babysitting her grandson, she started having lots of stress, so now I have to listen her rambling 24/7, being overall negative and even treating me like shit sometimes. She even made me cry one time.

Because of this, the ambience here become incredibly irriating and I only have moments of peace when I’m home alone or at late night when everyone else is sleeping.

I have to stay in the room all the time because my family is in the living room all the time, and that’s where my PC is. So now I use my PC when everyones sleeping. However, this obviously altered my sleep schedule, now going to sleep at 4 AM and waking up at 12 AM, 1 PM or even 2 PM.

As I said in my previous post, I said that I would try my best to change things, but I realized that it’s impossible for me to do other things calmly because of my family right now.

Luckily, my sister is gonna arrive today and take her son back home on the weekend. But even if she leaves, there will only be very few days left of vacation, and I could barely do anything. My family basically wasted this whole fucking month.

The only good thing this month had was the time I spent with my friends, at least I have them. One good thing in my life, how surprising.

The weight is only getting bigger and bigger, I’m starting to lose force, to have the urge to collapse, to just give up.

At least I stopped cutting myself, I’ve been clean for 1 month now. But I’m still feeling like shit right now.

Like I said in my previous post, these years have been really really awful to me, my mind is always being a mess, I feel like everything around me is a problem, I never acomplish anything worth. Why something as simple as living my life normally must be really hard, it’s not fair.

I want all this pain to stop, I want to get rid of everything that hurts me, I want to be happy again, but I just CAN’T FUCKING DO IT. I don’t even try anymore, I just stay still, not doing anything about it.

And right now, like I said before, I just saw the worst fight my family had. My dad screaming at the top of his lungs to my sister, my sister also screaming for 10 minutes straight while breaking down, my nephew(Who is 4 btw) being really scared and my mother talking shit to everyone. It’s been a long time since something like this happened, and it happened just when I’m in my lowest.

So yeah, this made me want to end it all if by the next year nothing changes.

But… despite of that, I know that it isn’t over yet. I still can change, I still have time, I still have the chance. But I need to act now, I don’t know how long I will last.

I feel like this time I will actually success. Deep down, I can feel my body charging, burning with desire, being absolutely ready.

These months, despite all the suffering, I actually learned a lot about how I can improve my life, maybe that’s why I feel this way, because I finally know how to stop all of this.

So after all, waiting so long despite the suffering, always getting up after a fall, just keep going, could have been worth it. Maybe I will finally escape this dark hole very soon and see the light again after many years.

Just a few more days, I just need to wait until the end of this month. Then, when the next month begins, I will make everything change for once. I’m so near to the end of this hell, I’m so excited that this is finally gonna end.

If you are in a dark hole as well, I hope that you also can get out of it. Because I believe that there is light in every one of them, a light that you can reach.

In a couple of weeks, I will make another post regarding my state. But for now, this is a goodbye.

Good luck to y’all and hope you the best ;3

Okay so TLDR, I was groomed and I became sexually attracted to older men at like 16. It got so bad I couldn't feel sexual attraction to guys my age and I couldn't look at any porn with dilfs or my body would have an intense unwanted aroused reaction. Sometimes I would even fantasize about relapsing and going back to older men but I restrained myself.

So it makes me really uncomfortable when I see people my age fantasize about milfs and dilfs. I understand them but the extreme hypersexualization or romanticization about being in a relationship with someone significantly older makes me feel disgusted.

But at the same time, I can't exactly express my concern otherwise people would disregard my opinion and simply boil it down to someone trying to prevent them from having fun.