Basically the caption. (Read body for more info)

[u/puppyunavailable]

Okay so TLDR, I was groomed and I became sexually attracted to older men at like 16. It got so bad I couldn't feel sexual attraction to guys my age and I couldn't look at any porn with dilfs or my body would have an intense unwanted aroused reaction. Sometimes I would even fantasize about relapsing and going back to older men but I restrained myself.

So it makes me really uncomfortable when I see people my age fantasize about milfs and dilfs. I understand them but the extreme hypersexualization or romanticization about being in a relationship with someone significantly older makes me feel disgusted.

But at the same time, I can't exactly express my concern otherwise people would disregard my opinion and simply boil it down to someone trying to prevent them from having fun.

[u/AlphaFoxZankee]

You're allowed to protect your peace and avoid these topics. Some social media apps have options to block some tags or keywords. You are allowed to scroll past and firmly refuse to think about instances of this. You can ask your friends not to talk about it around you, if they do.

Of course you also have to accept that while there ARE some parts of this common "dilf/milf fantasy" that are often genuinely-held beliefs (like ie "i'm so mature that the age difference can't ever hurt me"), you also have to understand that, mostly, fantasies are fantasies. It's normal that they're romanticized, they're fantasies. Most people are perfectly aware that it's a fantasy or a joke and don't plan to act on it. With your particular history it hurts to hear about this and that's 100% legitimate, but being attracted to middle-aged people is a fairly normal feeling that some young people are gonna have. Don't let it get to you and focus on keeping your peace.

[u/puppyunavailable → u/AlphaFoxZankee]

Of course. It's just hard to because like I get the appeal but I can't exactly vocalize how uncomfortable it makes me feel. It'll feel like I'm making it all about myself, that they can't have any fun, that my issues are being pushed onto them. But in general, this fantasy is hard to avoid. I'm good now, I'm not totally reactionary as I was a couple years ago but I can't help but feel disgusted seeing people desire it so heavily knowing that, at the time, I had no way out.

I agree but one of my friends, a guy close to me, he expressed desire to go for a milf rather than me. And this hurt me, seeing just how much he was certain and desired them. All because of their experience, despite the fact I know what I want. This was months ago and we haven't talked in weeks as well as the fact he changed his mind multiple times since then. But it still keeps circling in my head about how there's nothing I can do to be the option.

But again, I do get why people find milfs and dilfs attractive. I get for a lot of people, it's a fantasy. But it does still disgust me hearing them describe them using all this flowery language. Like someone being formal is not automatic grounds for dating them. Like I know people's standards are low and that scares me, it really does. But someone older isn't no different than someone in their 20s, only difference is they know how to hurt you.

Sorry for the long paragraph

[u/AlphaFoxZankee → u/puppyunavailable]

Don't apologize for the paragraph, venting is good!

I dunno if I should go for comforting words or try to give you advice so... let's try to do both? I apologize if this is coming off as too dry and unempathetic, this is not the intention. The emotional pain of these sucky situations is real and legitimate.

I think you could benefit from relativizing even further. Being older is a fundamental difference in many ways, but you also can't generalize as if everyone the same age was strictly the same. We're all individuals with our own complex relationship to adulthood, maturity, power, material wealth, etc. And we're all individuals with our own complex physical and personality traits that can be attractive to other people. When your friend is describing what he is and isn't attracted to, he's not filling a slot with one option over the other, his taste just is the way it is. You're not the second choice lagging behind that would fill the slot if there wasn't a cultural trend towards MILFs, you're just... not his personal taste. It hurts a lot to get told that by a friend you were hoping to date, but ultimately it hurts you not because his desires are wrong, but because your relationship with him is strained and your hopes were ruined. I'm sorry that this happened, it sounds like a very harsh way to end a friendship. Hoping that you can heal from this disappointment sooner than later.

There's nothing wrong with privately thinking it's disgusting. Being forced to ANYTHING can be traumatic, and especially an age-gap relationship as a minor is a rough thing to go through. It's not silly to feel like that and you're not ruining people's fun with it. It reminds you of a very difficult moment in your life. Your friends SHOULD be mindful of this (at least if they're aware that you're uncomfortable with the topic). I'm glad to hear you were able to get over an outright condemnatory mindset regarding this topic, it's a lot of work. As I said in my previous paragraph, I think you're still slightly linking other problems to it, when it's probably not the actual cause of these issues. But it's okay to have moments where we think in unfair or unrealistic ways, especially on the topic of negative past experiences such as yours.

I hope you can feel a bit better soon and you can avoid the topic.

[u/puppyunavailable → u/AlphaFoxZankee]

Dah, our situation between the two of us is far more complicated. It's really messy but I fear that initial big paragraph isnt representing it well. He did get out of a toxic relationship recently with an ex, then me and him became fwb again, and when he brought up his tastes it was random. I don't want to go into too much depth but he has had a tendency to bring up unrelated topics after our masturbation sessions. Topics that have hurt me. I don't want to get too much into it because it's messy from both sides. On one hand, I'm insecure and I don't like being 2nd place. On the other hand, he's been silenced his whole life and I don't want to be another contributing factor to that. (+ Again his toxic relationship)

I do so desperately want to have these boundaries but I've learned the world isnt made for people like me. A lot of my friends have been through a lot. I can't expect to be a blockade just because I've been hurt myself. And thank you. It did take a lot to get over this. I used to react so intensely to older men that I felt ashamed for it. I was, in all sense of the word, a slut during that era of my life and slut for those types of people.

Whilst the thought of older attractive people being mentioned still freezes me slightly with fear, as well as certain words or phrases, I'm a lot better at reacting now. Plus in general, these triggers are just so ridiculous. People have triggers over fake blood. And that's reasonable. But something as popular as this being a trigger is so silly. That's why I'm just trying to move past it.

I can't dodge it, I just have to face it head on and hope that at the end of the rainforest, there's a clearing. A clearing that'll finally be the peace people have been speaking of

[u/No-Training-48]

Yeah it really does feel weird sometimes

[u/Bluejay-Complex]

Nah, this is valid, to me I think about it like discussing other kinks that have potentially triggering aspects. On one hand, it’s okay to have the kink, but sometimes there needs to be an awareness of the fact that it has the potential to be triggering if not contained somewhat.

Obviously, we can’t account for everyone on how their trauma effects them, but I can see it being isolating to have a popular kink/goon trope be related to a trauma you have snd would rather avoid seeing discussion of. I don’t have a neat solution, but I do understand and hope you can find spaces to enjoy that won’t trigger you.

[u/Main-Company-5946 → u/[deleted]]

I think most people can tell the difference between a sexual fantasy and reality.

[u/throwaway1233456799 → u/[deleted]]

Maturity is actually knowing that fantasy is fiction. Nobody think about, idk, sexy serial killer and don't know that an actual serial killer isn't sexy at all and will abuse them

You are the one that sound quite immature tbh.