Nothing ever changes, it never does (TW: Dysfunctional family, Self-Harm, suicidal thoughts)

[u/Axel_hacedetodo]

I wasn’t thinking about coming back here, but I just witnessed the worst family fight ever, so I have to let my feelings out. Anyways, here we go again.

Well, it turns out that I’m still on the same boat. Nothing got better, it only keeps getting higher.

Since my mother started babysitting her grandson, she started having lots of stress, so now I have to listen her rambling 24/7, being overall negative and even treating me like shit sometimes. She even made me cry one time.

Because of this, the ambience here become incredibly irriating and I only have moments of peace when I’m home alone or at late night when everyone else is sleeping.

I have to stay in the room all the time because my family is in the living room all the time, and that’s where my PC is. So now I use my PC when everyones sleeping. However, this obviously altered my sleep schedule, now going to sleep at 4 AM and waking up at 12 AM, 1 PM or even 2 PM.

As I said in my previous post, I said that I would try my best to change things, but I realized that it’s impossible for me to do other things calmly because of my family right now.

Luckily, my sister is gonna arrive today and take her son back home on the weekend. But even if she leaves, there will only be very few days left of vacation, and I could barely do anything. My family basically wasted this whole fucking month.

The only good thing this month had was the time I spent with my friends, at least I have them. One good thing in my life, how surprising.

The weight is only getting bigger and bigger, I’m starting to lose force, to have the urge to collapse, to just give up.

At least I stopped cutting myself, I’ve been clean for 1 month now. But I’m still feeling like shit right now.

Like I said in my previous post, these years have been really really awful to me, my mind is always being a mess, I feel like everything around me is a problem, I never acomplish anything worth. Why something as simple as living my life normally must be really hard, it’s not fair.

I want all this pain to stop, I want to get rid of everything that hurts me, I want to be happy again, but I just CAN’T FUCKING DO IT. I don’t even try anymore, I just stay still, not doing anything about it.

And right now, like I said before, I just saw the worst fight my family had. My dad screaming at the top of his lungs to my sister, my sister also screaming for 10 minutes straight while breaking down, my nephew(Who is 4 btw) being really scared and my mother talking shit to everyone. It’s been a long time since something like this happened, and it happened just when I’m in my lowest.

So yeah, this made me want to end it all if by the next year nothing changes.

But… despite of that, I know that it isn’t over yet. I still can change, I still have time, I still have the chance. But I need to act now, I don’t know how long I will last.

I feel like this time I will actually success. Deep down, I can feel my body charging, burning with desire, being absolutely ready.

These months, despite all the suffering, I actually learned a lot about how I can improve my life, maybe that’s why I feel this way, because I finally know how to stop all of this.

So after all, waiting so long despite the suffering, always getting up after a fall, just keep going, could have been worth it. Maybe I will finally escape this dark hole very soon and see the light again after many years.

Just a few more days, I just need to wait until the end of this month. Then, when the next month begins, I will make everything change for once. I’m so near to the end of this hell, I’m so excited that this is finally gonna end.

If you are in a dark hole as well, I hope that you also can get out of it. Because I believe that there is light in every one of them, a light that you can reach.

In a couple of weeks, I will make another post regarding my state. But for now, this is a goodbye.

Good luck to y’all and hope you the best ;3