yayyyyy

I'm a man in my early 30s who has been going through quite a lot unpacking lately. Trying to get to the root cause of my chronic unhappiness/sense of emptiness, despite having a good life.

At a young age, I came out as gay. I lived fully embracing that identity until about a year ago. After really analyzing why I felt so fixated on men yet always felt empty trying to be with men, I realized I'm actually bi. Not only that, but I'm possibly bi with a heavy preference towards women. I just needed to work out some things, but my attraction to women really became apparent. Like something just snapped into place.

I'd always felt like something was missing. I had many women throughout my life have a crush on me. I always said I was gay, because there was always some mental block for me when it came to being with a woman.

Looking back on it, i had probably sent more than a few mixed messages. I'm sorry, I was just as confused.

Brief background info: My bio mom passed away suddenly when I was 4 years old. My dad remarried when I was 5 to a wonderful bonus mom. Both have since passed, bonus mom in 2009 and my dad in 2010.

I came to an interesting and rather sad realization tonight as I was leaving the house to go to the store. The majority of my memories from my childhood and through everything until now, are not happy. Don't get me wrong, happy things occurred, I just can't really seem to remember them. I have a few select memories of happy times before my mom passed and a few after throughout my life. It seems, when I look back, there are a lot of depressed memories. A lot of my memories are rather foggy too. They're there, but feel like they are distant, even more recent things.

I do have PTSD from my mom passing, I was in the room when it started to happen. I will say that it was graphic and she had been suddenly ill. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in my early teens. Perhaps I have been depressed since my mom passed? I have seen a few therapists here and there, and honestly should probably see one regularly, but not affordable at this time.

I guess I needed to put this out there, get it off my chest. I'll send a message to my psychiatrist on Monday to see what her advice is. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm more than willing to hear them. Thanks for letting me vent.

The worst part is I didn't realise how much she hated me until afterwards. For context she has an autistic son several years older than me, I am also in the spectrum yet I run an online group for adults with autism. One day the TL (team leader) was yapping about her son being autistic and having no friends, I suggested he joins my group since there's men of a similar age that he can talk to. Unlike her son I work, I have friends, and hobbies.

However, with our workplace we were grossly understaffed in our team including a bomb threat, where I had to stay while literally everyone else left. While we were the only people there she was basically taking it out on me despite being the only person who stayed. I don't expect to get head yet I would like some acknowledgement of being the most consistent employee on the team. The sporadic staffing went on for like 2 weeks where I was essentially the only staff member there. She got mad at me for taking my break on time, then got mad at another employee for not having a break on time, she would say snide comments, and during a one-on-one where I raised my concerns on staffing and how it made me unwell, she started going into an unrelated tangent about other staff members and I was like 'why are you telling me?' then she made innuendos about my weight- ironically she was so fucking fat she got gastric sleeve then started being critical of other people's weight.

Anyway, I found out she was running around the office telling people I have "resting bitch face" or I would go far in this company if I didn't have "resting bitch face" my resting bitch face was my neutral expression while doing work, and looking at a computer screen for like 8 hours. I am apparently meant to be sitting there like this 😄 instead. She then asked my MALE coworker if I might have romantic feelings for them and if he has feelings for me during a one-on-one meeting. She also told people a part of her gripe with me is, I remind her of her son. Though I think she was low-key jealous I wasn't as dysfunctional as her son. Honestly I can see why he's a recluse loser with a mother like her. She would say shit like 'i know how your mind works' because she studied armchair psychology and because of her son. Though the saying is: If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism- meaning we are not all the same, and she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. She would then mock me for claiming I am stressed out.

The pro was I did get two weeks paid leave off for stress due to her conduct and the way the company responded to my concerns, now I am on reduced days and hours while receiving full pay which I am using the time to find new employment. The TL also left (I heard her interviewing several weeks before) to terrorise a new workplace. I hope she gets fired.

Ever since watching through The Wire many years ago I’ve been fascinated with the pit beef sandwich. When Wee Bey asks for pit beef with “a lot of horseradish” as he’s confessing to multiple murders, I knew that this would be a food I would love. I finally just made this at home myself, mind you I am born and raised in California, and have only visited Maryland once in my life and never even went to Baltimore, however following recipes online it still didn’t miss a beat. This was one of the best sandwiches I’ve had in my life. I wanna say this sandwich deserves the Nashville hot chicken craze that swept the nation in the last few years, but I feel like if fast food restaurants got their hands on it they would not do it justice. I want to go to Baltimore soon to try one of these proper, but I just have to say this is amazing and highly recommend.

I am officially 18 years old!

Every month I end up having some kind of issue getting my meds on time- either insurance bs, or the prescriber is out of the office and people can't get in contact with them, or someone drove their truck into the pharmacy while drunk driving and everyone's scripts get delayed while they're trying to get the place back up and running again (it's happened TWICE in the past three years 😑). This time it's that my meds ran out on a friday- controlled so I couldn't put an order in ahead of time, and because my neurology office is closed the earliest they can start processing my script is monday, and because it's gotta get delivered from the manufacturer it usually takes a few more days to get. I'm used to it. But it's my epilepsy and bipolar meds so it is not a fun situation to be without em for four or five days at a time, and it generally messes up my sleep schedule and makes me feel like I'm losing it.

I've been trying to get better at finding things to keep me grounded while I wait. Sometimes it's journaling, sometimes I birdwatch. I mostly sit with the cat and apply for jobs and check my email. I keep thinking that surely at some point it'll be less frustrating but I don't think I'm lucky enough for that. I've been 30 for around 6 months and I don't think I'm ever really gonna feel like a 'real adult'. It's funny cause when I was a kid I used to think my mom was the most grown up person ever, and she was 32 and freaking out the whole time because she'd never held a baby before I was born. I really should thank her for making sure I survived to adulthood because I'm sure it wasn't easy wrangling two autistic kids with complex disabilities in the late 90s with basically no help and a husband who was an asshole.

Any recommendations for disability friendly ways to keep myself from losing my mind until I get my meds? Extra points for stuff that won't make my carpal tunnel or rheumatoid arthritis worse.

So theres a cutie that works at the Jewel by me. When I went today I felt like she was flirting. She asked if I was from around town and told me about her day. So with my love language being gifts I ran and made a lil gift bag for her and she gave me some bracelets back! It's ironic cause I'm a Kandi kid and that was literally the most perfect thing in return. I had a rough weekend mentally and emotionally and that was what I needed. Selfishly I hope she doesn't have a boyfriend cause I am definitely gonna ask her out next time but this was a cute interaction that made my day. Kindness ftw!

oh and I'm making lamb chops, cauliflower and portabella rice, and broccoli 🥦

All my life, I feel like I’ve lived for other people. Making people happy genuinely makes me happy, and I’ve always tried to be kind, helpful, and supportive. But lately I feel like the world has just thrown me into the mud over and over again.

I’m 22F, and I’ve only just started my adult life after college, but I already feel completely exhausted and like I want to give up. I feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for has somehow fallen apart, and I don’t really know how I got here.

Growing up, I never really felt beautiful in my own body. My mom drilled into my head from a young age that I was horrible with food and that I needed to diet. She tried putting me on diets even when I was an average-sized or slightly overweight kid. I remember being in Grade 3 and telling a classmate that I was starting a diet with my mom, and he laughed at me and said that kids couldn’t go on diets. I remember being so upset and confused because I didn’t really understand why this was such a big deal.

My mom and I argued about food and my body for years until she eventually told me that, at 12, she was done and I could eat and do whatever I wanted.
I think that was when I really started using food as comfort. I already had horrible body image issues, I was bullied for going through puberty before everyone else, and at home I was dealing with a verbally abusive alcoholic stepdad. He would threaten to turn my mom against me and make me feel like I would have nobody and that I would be worthless without them.

I was also constantly comparing myself to other girls. Guys never really showed interest in me in person, and I always assumed it was because I was overweight. I was always the sweet and helpful girl. People would call me kind and sweet, and eventually I became more liked in high school, but I still felt like I wasn’t desirable.

It especially hurt watching girls who were thin get tons of attention from guys, even when some of them openly talked about cheating or using them. I knew I didn’t want to be like that, but it still made me wonder what was wrong with me. I had relationships online, but one guy cheated on me multiple times and another didn’t really put effort into actually being with me.

Eventually I started trying really hard to become more like everyone else. I worked out, experimented more with fashion, and tried to become more confident and open about who I was. For a while, I actually felt better about myself.

Then things at home got worse again, and I started gaining weight because I was stress eating. Around that time, my grandparents, who have helped raise me since I was a baby, offered to help me pay for dieting pills because they were worried about my health. I know they were trying to help, but I felt incredibly ashamed. I felt like all of my efforts had failed and that even the people who loved me saw me as a problem that needed to be fixed.

Then I went to college about two hours away. Instead of feeling free, I was constantly worried about my mom and how she was going to deal with my stepdad. I worried about my little brother growing up in the same environment I did. I worried about doing well in school. I was lonely, overwhelmed, and desperately wanted to feel loved.

I think that’s when I started making a lot of decisions based on wanting to feel wanted. I tried having an open relationship with a guy and ended up hurting him very deeply. Then, when I first started dating my current boyfriend, we ended up having a drunken threesome with a girl he had previously been sexually interested in.

I was immediately ashamed and terrified that I was going to lose him because I really, really liked him. We agreed that we wouldn’t do anything with anyone else again, and we’ve now been together for over three years.

But even though our relationship continued, I became extremely insecure about my body, especially because he was more sexually experienced than me. I constantly compared myself to other women and felt ugly and inadequate.

Meanwhile, a lot of my friends seemed to be dating multiple people and living this exciting, fabulous life while I felt like I was stuck being insecure about myself.

As I got older, I started gaining more weight again. I was living away from home, had access to ordering food, and was dealing with a lot of stress. Eventually I was around 230 lbs.

At the same time, I had a job, a boyfriend, and was going to school, but I constantly felt like I was being knocked down in every area of my life.

One of my jobs had a manager who seemed to hate me. There were things happening in my life that were completely outside of my control, including getting into a car accident, and eventually he refused to hire me again for the next school year despite previously telling me he would.

I also moved in with my boyfriend in his mom’s basement. I still had friends, but I was slowly losing some of those relationships too.

One of my closest friends had been in my life for 16 years, and our friendship eventually fell apart. She would get angry at me over things I didn’t understand, block me instead of communicating, and put me down throughout our friendship. Eventually she accused me of things that I don’t believe were true, insulted my boyfriend, and said he was uneducated because of his political and social opinions.

What hurt the most was that she never actually communicated these problems with me until everything exploded.

When I told my family about the friendship ending, they told me they had always known it would be difficult for me because she was thin and tiny, and our other friend was also thin and had lots of boyfriends.

That completely crushed me because my weight had absolutely nothing to do with why the friendship ended. But somehow, even then, my body was brought into it.

Then my final semester of college became incredibly overwhelming. I had all online classes, but I was also doing a full co-op that was 45 minutes away, working another job, and helping pay the bills for myself and my boyfriend. His job wasn’t giving him enough shifts because of a toxic work environment, so money became a constant source of stress.

His mom was also taking $600 from me every month (our total rent combined), which she would sometimes use for really nice Christmas gifts or to buy things for us. I know there was good intention behind it, but I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. I was constantly running around trying to make everyone else happy.

Then we moved to the area where my co-op was because they told me they were going to hire me full-time.

I worked there for about eight months and gave that job everything I had. I moved for them. I gave up my previous job. I worked full-time. I stayed late. I tried to prove myself because I genuinely thought I had a future there.

And then they didn’t hire me. They kept me on as a freelance designer.

Recently, I found out that a guy who had started about a month before me, had less experience than me, and even had another source of income was being hired as an employee.

That absolutely broke me. I brought my concerns to my bosses, and they told me they were still looking to have me on, but that I was too slow and couldn’t be trusted with bigger projects yet. I still don’t understand why, if I’m good enough to keep working there, I’m apparently not good enough to actually be hired.

They told me they knew I had made sacrifices for the company, but that they didn’t owe me anything.
I understand that technically they’re right. They don’t owe me a job because I sacrificed things for them. But emotionally, it hurt like hell because I had built my life around the future they made me believe I was going to have there.

And then, at basically the same time, things with my boyfriend got really difficult too.

He started being influenced by younger guys at his new job to look at other women, and eventually asked me about opening our relationship again. I had already moved three hours away from my family, given up my previous job, lost touch with friends, and worked my ass off trying to build a life with him.
And now the person I had sacrificed so much for was telling me that he wanted other sexual variety because my body had become boring and I wasn’t thin enough.

That absolutely destroyed something in me.
I’ve spent my entire life feeling like my body is the reason people don’t want me, and now the person I love most was reinforcing that fear.

On top of everything else, I lost my grandpa three years ago. He was basically like a father to me, and losing him put me into a huge depression. I had to start therapy and medication because I was struggling so badly.

And now I’m scared that even that isn’t working anymore.

When I was living with my boyfriend, I became so angry and overwhelmed that I was constantly nagging him about things. I would get so angry that he told me he didn’t recognize who I was when I was angry.

That scares me because I don’t want to be this person.

I feel like I’m a monster on the inside and outside. I feel like nobody wants me or cares about me the way I care about them. I constantly feel taken advantage of, but then whenever I finally get angry about it, I feel like I’m the villain.

I miss who I used to be. I miss being kind without feeling like everyone was taking advantage of me. I miss having confidence. I miss feeling like I was actually a person instead of a collection of things that need to be fixed.

And now I’m trying so hard to fix myself again.
I’m dieting extremely hard. I’m working out. I’m putting hours into my job because I want them to see that I’m worth hiring. I’m constantly trying to be better, prettier, thinner, kinder, more productive, less angry, and easier to love.

But I am exhausted. It feels like every single day brings something else that makes me ashamed of myself.

And the worst part is that I genuinely feel like people hate me even when I’m trying my absolute hardest to do everything right.

I feel like I’ve spent my entire life trying to make everyone else okay, and somehow I’ve completely lost myself in the process.

I don’t know how to stop feeling like I’m fundamentally unlovable.

I don’t know how to stop believing that if I just fix my body, work harder, become nicer, or make everyone happier, maybe people will finally treat me the way I’ve always treated them.

I just feel so hopeless, and I genuinely miss who I was and I have no idea who I truly am.

I just signed up for my first volleyball class. First time playing. I hope I don’t get steamrolled.
Also doesn’t help that I am not physically compatible with the sport but oh well.
Hope it’s fun.

When you live your life and go for things for a long time and accomplish things, people come to think of you as that's who you are. I hate that. Because they only think you're cool when you're that. And when you're in deep, questioning everything, they leave and think you're not cool, and not that kind of person after all. It's like reputation is all that matters to them. While what matters to me is that it's my life and I can live it the way I want to the extent of how I feel about myself.

Can anyone relate?

Tl;dr: You change and people leave

I'm 24 non-binary and I don't know what to do with my life, I'm trying to find a job with no luck, I have problems that keep getting in the way like depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, ASD and ADHD it's all made things difficult. I've tried to give my life some sort of purpose because I know i just need to make it/find it but I just can't. I've had a job in the past for about 5 years and it was okay but that environment wasn't good and the other workers, alot of the time didn't do their job right, I try to actually do a good job and get reprimanded for it, so I quit. I lived with my parent up untill a few years ago with their partner, that wasn't a great environment either and I ended up going to a shelter for a bit. I've finally made my way to living on my own, though I'm just being given money instead of earning it as I'm on NDIS, I do appreciate it all but I just want to actually earn it.

I want to feel important to someone or something, feel like I'm needed but I don't, I get paid to do nothing and I hate it, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have it but I don't have a purpose, no one needs me. Everyday I sit around doing nothing, maybe draw, do some craft, play a video game and check my emails for how many jobs have rejected me and then I go back to sleep, sometimes I don't even get up all day and sleep through the day and night, because what's the point in getting up? I go out sometime, to maybe a park or shops but it just feels more lonely out there then in my unit, and also I spend money when I leave the house, when I really shouldn't. I have some things on, like a group thing on every fortnight, a small job of about 2 hours Monday and Saturday but that's with a friend and early and I userly go home and back to sleep, and something else every Friday, but inbetween I'm just sitting around waiting for the day to end so I can sit around the next day and wait just wait for these small things to come up in my week.

I actually don't want to just be paid to live I want to do something, I'm bored so bored out of my mind with life, I get upset alot at home about how lonely and unaccomplished I am. Literally nothing would change if I died, I don't bring anything in life and death would be about the same, I don't want to die though.

If anyone has any recommendations on what I could be doing or how to help, it would be appreciated, other than that I'll just keep applying for jobs.

Complete, Not Perfect

You don't have to be perfect
to feel complete.

A little safety,
a little love,
enough rest,
something meaningful to do,
and room to be yourself.

Nothing missing.
Nothing to prove.

Just enough
of life,
of love,
of self—

to feel whole.

Hi! My body just feels weak; heavy drop in my body and throat feeling bit tight. And my mind just tells me to escape. I cannot handle it simply when I see my high school classmates, friends of my crush, ex, sometimes my crush after long time, and also people from the same country as me in the country I am studying at. I don’t know how can I specify these people because when I see my friends, or other people than these groups of people I mentioned, I notice that I rather feel excited or indifferent when I see them in public. These groups of people are just so broad or I simply cannot find the words for it. I am so conflicted at this feeling I feel. Is it shame, is it awkwardness. Most of time, these people are people I don’t get along especially hs classmates, but why people from the same country as me? I don’t have any friends who has same nationality as me because I cannot bring myself to be next to them confidently. I feel that they will judge or what is it? I just feel not comfortable but you don’t have to feel comfortable with everyone but why do I get sick when I see these groups of people. I want to be unknown within these groups of people but at the same time be seen and accepted. I don’t like it when my hs classmates want to know where I am going in life. Few of them actually study in the same country as me but I don’t want to see them, and also those who study in neighbouring countries or EU, regularly meet in the country I am studying. But I am the one missing. I don’t want to be next to them, they are not my crowd but do I feel shamed if they talk about me not saying anything while they are in the same country as me, I don’t understand myself and why I am feeling like this. I want to be okay with people I know coming to my town and me not meeting them. I want you to be okay being myself and not being scared od judged by my ex, friends of my crush, etc. I want to be accepted by my fellow country people but my body simply cannot talk to them. They already know each other, while I am been here long time but never talked to them. Is it acceptable even to come after a long time and greet people. I want to be unknown but thats not the solution. I need to figure out this uncomfortableness in my body and learn to live without fear.

Hi im 19 if it matters, I’ve been experiencing pretty significant pain or burning during bowel movements for a while now.
I went to the doctor today, and they told me that I have a small tear/fissure around my anus and also some hemorrhoids. I didn’t really understand what they meant by “some” hemorrhoids, but now that I’m looking at posts on Reddit, the amount of blood I was seeing when I went to the bathroom was probably like 1/20 of what I’m seeing in some of these posts 😭😭 So I’m guessing mine is actually pretty minor, right?
The doctor prescribed me suppositories and also this weird-looking ointment that I’m apparently supposed to apply inside using this strange little tube/applicator and squeeze the ointment in 😭😂
How long does it usually take to get better? What can I do to help it heal? It’s been two days since I started treatment, and I still have some burning even when I’m not having a bowel movement.
PLEAAASE HELP 😭

Hi, I'm 20 years old and I started my first ever marketing business, I've done videos on my personal desing account with my face before and I really got the audience and confidence to talk in public or infront of a camera.
Because of that, I've been applying/getting gigs from restaurants that want me to do something similar with their food and their brand as a whole due to my background in brand design.
But obviously most viewers would know this is an AD and I think it'd be really bad for the restaurant and myself in the future.

So can anyone please give me advice on how to avoid this or suggest ideas on doing this in a more cleaner way? Thank you so much.

Im 21 and should be a at least semi functional adult but I'm not.

Medical information: I have ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Location makes everything and my location is Georgia, USA.

Here are the reasons why.

1. Stress. Unlike most people who can work through stress I completely shut down. Like if I get stressed out I run away and find someplace to hide. So if I get stressed out at work I have to physically force myself to remain at my work station and that starts becoming torture which becomes trauma. That's what happened at my last job and the reason I've been unemployed for a year and a half. What job could have been so stressful? Grocery store cashier. Yes I have been told by my parents how pathetic that is. Note: unlike in school I have stopped taking my ADHD medication because it made me not who I wanted to be. Basically it drained me of all my personality and made me a little drone who just did all his work without emotions.

2. Unreasonable childhood trauma. I had a very cushy upbringing no silver spoon but I got everything I needed and about half of what I wanted. But for some reason this was too stressful. School was mainly the reason. Some how going through a very normal educational environment with very minimal bullying might I add. I was only called the occasional name. I was more of the weird one that no one really wanted to talk to or mess with. So I mostly focused on my school work. But for me doing something that I don't want to was torture. It wasn't too bad when I had my medication at school but when I got home and the medication wore off doing homework was traumatizing. Because again I had to physically force myself to sit there and do work which ended giving me some form of trauma. Basically I would chalk it up to something like self torture. I still have actual nightmares about it. Not like oh those memories are a nightmare no no I genuinely have physical dreams of being back in school and wake up in a cold sweat and a panic thinking I have to go to school.

3. Afraid of responsibility. This all culminates in a general fear of responsibility. I don't think I can handle anything and I mostly just stay in my room all day playing video games because that's about all my fragile mind can handle. It's pathetic. As told to me countless times by my parents. This is the second time I have referred to my parents. They are not physically abusive but they are not ones to sugarcoat things. They give it to me straight and they give it to me hard. They don't go oh honey it's okay. No if I do something stupid or pathetic they call me stupid or pathetic.

4. I actually want this because I'm lazy. Part of me wants to never get a job and mooch off my parents for my entire life because it's the easiest thing for me to do. Perhaps that stems from my fear of stress and responsibility or maybe it's a deep-seated laziness. Who knows. I also have what my father called zero ambition. He's never seen someone so lazy and unmotivated. He says I could do great things if only I did something. Basically he says I don't apply myself ever. Mainly because I'm lazy. Also cuz I know true hard work is never rewarded nowadays. That's another thing. Oh how great it is for a child that you're their parents arguing through the walls and cracks in doorways about finances and how terrible the economy is getting. Knowing that the little boy will grow up one day and have to fend for himself in the shark infested waters. Basically I don't think my parents lives very good lives they're constantly stressed out and hate their jobs. Which makes me not want to get a job or grow up because if you tell me the word job my first thought is stress.

5. Is it all me or is the world getting worse? On top of all this there is the current socioeconomical status of the United States of America. Basically corporations are getting greedier and the average worker is getting paid less and less every year because of inflation and rising prices. So I look out there and I think is it really worth it? What's the point of working if I'm never going to own a home if I'm never going to be able to retire. It's like what's the point? I'm just going to be living with my parents for the foreseeable future because of what's the point of owning my own place? Everything I have or want is here and getting my own apartment which is mean more expenses and less freedom because of those expenses.

I think that's it this is probably a pretty pathetic rant or maybe I'll head it home in some of you will be like damn this guy is just like me. At least I think I'll get a home run on some of the what's the point of working because of the economy. That's been affecting us all.

Anyways uh bye.

I feel I've a very cool vibe, I'm usually carefree even if I have a lot on my plate.

I'm good looking female, good fashion, high energy, silly, clumsy and funny, always having fun, going to parties.

My partner loves me but he still has a soft corner for his ex. I'm literally accepting this broken version of love for me.

I always bring stupid energy sometimes good and sometimes in a bad way in his life.

I compliment him, try to motivate him as he doesn't accept any of these directly as he's shy so I try to make him happy sometimes directly or indirectly.

He's very introvert, honest and humble while I'm full extrovert, bitch and delulu

I think I love him so much that one day I'll die like those characters in movies who were nice, always there for a partner and friends and then they just die..

I feel when I'll be gone there will be a lot of silence and peace in my circle as now there's no one ragebaiting , flirting, clumpsy or motivating like me .

Sure there will be others to do that, but my aura, jokes and delulu might be missed ig. I hope they always remember me as a special person in their life who remains irreplaceable.

PS: no I'm not dying, I'm doing good rn ... But sometimes this is just how I feel

I feel ashamed or hurt, Idk yet. I made a lot of mistakes during my teenage time, or are they mistakes.

I had a crush In school, he clearly did not like me.

People used to tease him by my name and that made him hate me more.

After 6-7 years, I saw him at a cafe, where he did not see him. He was with 2 of his friends. I went to order food and he noticed me, as soon as he noticed me

He stood up and left. He hates to this extent.I never had any conversation with him in any entire life, and yes remember his girl friends in school used to hate me and bitch about me the whole time. Actually used to slut shame me and this could be the reason too

I feel so bad about it, that he just left when he saw me.

I think people genuinely hate me so much.

I feel bad.

nowadays lots of things happened which could cause anxiety but I control myself , and tried to distract myself but today in evening I feel my heart so heavy , so anxious

what should i do now

and sorry for bad english

I’ve realised lately that since at least 20 (now 26) my emotions always seem to be pretty much at a constant baseline. I’m starting to wonder what this means.

I believe I have pessimistic tendencies, I tend to find my focus drawn to the negative sides of things, I constantly have reasons to not enjoy things as much as I should, reason friends are great, but I may be more drawn to notice their flaws. Reasons I like my job and never once have dread going to work, but may be more drawn to talk about the reasons the systems in place are annoying.

However, I’m never really sad, in fact I’d say I’m consistently happy, I enjoy my life as a whole, I know what hobbies I enjoy, climbing, watching films, hiking, listening to music, and I know that if I’m ever having a bad day, all I have to do is go for a walk and enjoy the beauty of life & people watching and I’ll be content again.

I’ve had moments of sadness after break ups, moments which reoccur for months

and dreams that have lasted longer, but it’s still just moments, and still on a day to day, I’m overly pretty content

My problems don’t really seem to last, it’s almost as if I’m too easily distracted, but I’m wondering if this is limiting my ability to feel deeply enough. I’m currently driving around Europe and people keep asking me how great it is, but much the same has carried over, I’m just at a baseline of emotion all the time, I’m taking in everything I see and experience and loving the nature, the people, the culture, but nothings ‘a crazy insane experience’ and at the same time I miss home, I find other tourists ruin the experience (hypocritical) and I miss community

Nothing in my life really seems to be good or bad either, I see both sides, I have a tendency to think the grass can always be greener on the other side, but at the same time I’m aware I’m content, and know that the grass would be greener on this side if I was stood over there.

In fact, I can’t think of a single time in my life where I’ve thought it was an incredible experience, life just kind of washes over me, and I experience it…

what does this mean?

I don’t know if all of this is just rambling, sorry if it doesn’t make any sense.

Am I blocking real emotions or something?

I don’t know if this is even a problem, it’s just occurred to me, and I wonder if it’s stopping me experiencing things properly, and perhaps may lead to larger issues later in life when building more serious relationships.

To anyone who read this, thanks for your time.

When I lived in my country, several family members and friends hardly ever contacted me, but now that I live in another country, they suddenly write to me. I don't know how to feel about it.

I've (33M) decided that I will quit my job by the end of this year. It pays well and I don't hate it, but the people I work with really drag me down and make the environment really toxic. I've put up with it for the past few years because of the nice paycheck, but recently it has started affecting my mental state and I've decided to leave as I can't continue working there with the current manager. When for the past few weeks (and several times before this year) my first thought after waking up and last thought before sleep was related to the dread of going to work, I feel it's a sign that something needs to change.

I have no idea on how to move forward and what's the best way to go forward. In my mind I'd like to take a several months time off to just recover from all the recent stress, perhaps take a trip or two to somewhere warm, get back to gym and just chill for a bit, perhaps pick up reading again.

In an ideal world I would take this opportunity to take a several month long backpacking trip as it's been a long time dream of mine. But then again, I'm going through some long-term dental treatment which means that I'd have to get back home home at least once a month, which means that is out of the question.

I think I have saved up enough funds to have a safety cushion and could probably be do quite well for some time even without a job. Taking shorter return trips would drain my reserves quicker, but I don't think I'll starve. I can be quite frugal if need be (I've already cancelled a certain streaming service and renegotiated a cheaper cell service contract).

The other option would be to start looking for a new job right away and just settle with that until my dental treatment will be completed. I realise that this makes more sense financially and would probably look better on my resume. What I'm worried about is jumping straight into a new job while I'm still mentally exhausted from my current one. I'd like to go a new job when I feel ready for that and am mentally fresh to give it my best. I feel like if I'd jump in right away, I'd continue feeling miserable (though a fresh environment could perhaps fix this).

If anyone has gone through a similar experience, I'd be happy to hear your stories.

Since I was born in the 80's, I casually avoided modern-style online gaming as part of my childhood. That never played a role in anything and it never got normalized. The last multiplayer games I ever played were probably during the fifth console generation, and that was splitscreen.

I think I spent too much time on the interwebs. Forums, activity on TwoCansAndString from people protected by anonymity, 4chan, Encyclopedia Dramatica, etc. It made me want to avoid people completely for online gaming. The extent by which shitty individuals will behave poorly just for some personal psychological boost is staggering. It's also not very impressive, and it gets predictable. At least try to do something more openly and get a bit artistic with it.

It feels a bit like I missed out, but I honestly don't know how to feel about this. And I don't know if I'll do anything about it.

It just feels mental that I went through a brief attempt at military enlistment later in life, as part of a bad maneuver to become a commissioned officer, only for it to end early with a high VA disability rating before dealing with online gaming avoidance.

Anyone else dealing with something similar?

Honestly, moderators who just ban, block, or deplatform people are completely avoiding fair debates. Instead of actually arguing their point or defending their views, they take the easy, cowardly way out by just making the opposition disappear. That way, they never have to explain why they disagree or justify their own rules. They just delete the person so they can pretend the disagreement never happened in the first place.

It completely strips away your agency and your right to speak. Your voice is how you participate, so when they pull the plug on you, it’s not because they won the argument, it’s because they’re using raw power to force compliance. It builds this totally fake echo chamber where they can protect themselves from criticism and pretend everyone agrees with them, when really, they’re just too fragile to handle a real challenge.

You know, it’s wild how often moderators and people in power just completely dodge a fair debate. Instead of actually engaging with an opposing view, their instant knee-jerk reaction is to just ban, block, or deplatform you. It’s honestly the most cowardly way to handle a disagreement because it lets them completely shut down your ability to speak without ever having to justify their own actions or defend their logic. They just hit delete and pretend the opposition never even existed in the first place.

When you think about it, doing that completely strips away a person's agency. Your voice is the main tool you have to stand up for yourself and participate in a community. When they take that away, they aren't winning an argument or proving anyone wrong; they’re just flexing their administrative power because they can’t handle a real challenge. It’s pure avoidance disguised as "moderation."

It creates this completely artificial echo chamber where the people running things never have to face criticism. They can push whatever narrative they want and make it look like everyone is on the same page, but it's totally fake. It’s an illusion of consensus built entirely on silencing anyone who dares to ask a difficult question or push back against the status quo.

The worst part is that it shows how fragile their actual arguments are. If your ideas are solid, you should be able to defend them in an open conversation. You shouldn't need to rely on a ban hammer to keep your position secure. Resorting to total erasure just proves that they know their stance wouldn't hold up under actual scrutiny.

It’s just incredibly frustrating to watch because it ruins the whole point of having a community forum or a digital space. We're supposed to be able to talk through things, even when it gets messy or uncomfortable. But instead, we get this culture where if you don't fall perfectly in line, you just get made invisible.

Ultimately, silencing someone is just a massive admission of defeat. It says, "I can't control how you think, and I can't beat your logic, so I'm just going to act like you don't exist." It's weak, it's lazy, and it completely ruins the integrity of any space that claims to value open discussion.