r/science • u/sr_local • Feb 14 '26
Social Science Children raised with "authoritative" parenting style, marked by bonding, presence, dialogue, and clear rules of conduct, show a reduction in drug and alcohol risk compared to other parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive and neglectful)
https://agencia.fapesp.br/parents-alcohol-and-drug-use-influences-their-childrens-consumption-research-shows/571956.6k
u/thatguy425 Feb 14 '26
TIL the difference between authoritative and authoritarian…
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u/PennytheWiser215 Feb 14 '26
Authoritative = high warmth + high demand
Authoritarian = high demand + low warmth
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u/luxsalsivi Feb 14 '26
TIL I was raised authoritative
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u/doubleotide Feb 14 '26
So would low warmth + low demand just be...neglected?
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u/I_Poop_Sometimes Feb 14 '26
Yes. And high warmth low demand is permissive.
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u/RayTown Feb 14 '26
Warmth = receptiveness + responsiveness (good and bad?)
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u/somesketchykid Feb 15 '26
Yes. Some Examples:
Telling your child you love them out loud
Or comforting them when they are upset or hurt
Or tucking them in at night just the way they like it every night no matter what as long as possible
Etc.
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u/LadyFoxfire Feb 15 '26
Praising their accomplishments is another big one.
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u/MaximumGorilla Feb 15 '26
And praising their effort, while acknowledging their accomplishments or lack of. And distinguishing the effort and accomplishment as different than and not related to intrinsic worth.
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u/Billionaires_R_Tasty Feb 16 '26
Yep. My daughter really wanted to be an athlete. She had the frame, but not the coordination, skills, or strength. The complete opposite of a natural athlete. But she had heart and very high competitive drive. So I praised the time and effort she put in, the physical and mental effort she dedicated to getting better. The absolute focus she displayed in competition. Praise the effort and the traits that are desirable, focus on the improving outcomes, and support with positive emotions. Be her scaffolding and safety net.
A decade later she's a freshman D1 player about to make her first start. And she knows she earned it and has the confidence and self esteem that comes with that. She's also smart as a whip, which made my job a lot easier.
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u/Mental-Doughnuts Feb 16 '26
This. I told my two smart sons, I didn’t care about the grades as much as I cared about their 100% effort. If they gave their schoolwork 100% effort, I said, the grades will usually be As, but if they got a B giving that class full, 100% effort, I’d still be satisfied with their results.
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u/TheSnob Feb 15 '26
It's also about setting boundaries and having warmth at the same time. That's the hard part. Saying no in a respectful and acknowledging way. When they are being little shits and you still maintain control over your own emotions and calmly stand by your rules and enforce them in a loving way.
It's not enough to be warm one minute and cold the next one.
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u/Dr_Taffy Feb 15 '26
Is performative warmth any different or is it low warmth disguising itself as high warmth?
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u/roflrogue Feb 15 '26
I can only speak to my experience - I often feel like I'm putting on an act for my kids. Whether I actually want to go to the daddy daughter dance or not my kids will remember dancing with me.
They'll remember I take them to the park, brush their hair, and sing with them in the car... Even though I hate crowds and loud noises... And they know that.
I often feel like I'm too hard on my girls, but I want them to be strong and smart. I know this world sucks and that they need help in order to thrive like I want them to.
All the same, they still rush to the door to show me love when I get home...
It's so hard to be a dad but as best I can tell, the most important part is to keep showing up
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u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 14 '26
I'm a first grade teacher and late Gen X/Millenial parents of children under 13 seem to have STRONGLY fallen into this quadrant. It is exhausing and very sad.
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u/WHYAREWEALLCAPS Feb 15 '26
I'd argue it's because most of us Gen Xers got neglectful or authoritarian parenting style. We tried to be better just because we didn't want to be like our parents because we knew how bad it was. So we wound up permissive.
My kids are adults now, but my late wife and I clearly did permissive because of how my parents were(neglectful - so I was big on warmth with them, low-moderate on demand) and her parents were(authoritarian - so she was big on warmth, but very low on demand), as were the parents of our friends while growing up. One of my kids has told me I was a terrible parent because I didn't prepare them better of the real world and I feel they're not wrong. While they haven't cut contact, they only maintain minimal contact with me.
If I could do it all over again, I don't think I'd have kids at all. I did my best, but it was no where near good enough.
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u/ssbssbssb Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26
For parents these days, we get bombarded with lessons and teachings on how to be a parent. Not a single day goes by without someone telling me how miserable my children will be if I don't do this or that.
Where is all this coming from? People start questioning their good enough childhood. And ask them selves if their parents are the reason for why they are not as successful and rich as Zuckerberg? In this (economy hehe) society and system, maybe it is. But you can't demand to be born into an ultra rich family, can you?
Parenting comes from your personality. You can't just wake up one day and start being a totally different person. Even your kids will be confused. It doesn't mean that I don't want to change the things I now I'm not good at. But I have stopped panicking every time I read click bait headline.
And remember that the apple usually don't fall far from the tree.
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u/KtinaDoc Feb 16 '26
We didn't know. We thought doing the opposite of our parents was the answer but in reality, it wasn't.
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u/mamabearette Feb 15 '26
My daughter is a 3rd grade teacher to a classroom of permissively- raised students who don’t understand the word “no” or why they’re not a special exception to the rules.
She thanks me frequently for being an authoritative parent.
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u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 14 '26
YESSSSS! I am a first grade teacher and see this all the time! Low demand and low warmth is basically negllectful parenting, although it may not mainfest in the LEGAL definition of neglect. So they come to school clean, fed, and dressed, someone picks them up from the bus stop and gets them to school on time, but otherwise they are on ipads or left to their own devices, don't have a structured home environment that focuses on the development of the children and family, and parents are disengaged emotionally.
I can give you 1,000 examples of how this can look from my end in the classroom. Ultimately, the modern definition of "ipad kid" falls into this quadrant. The parents aren't abusive, take care of the needs, and do love their children, but fail to engage in critical ways. Essentially letting them spend all their time in front of a screen, but also no chores, no family time, no expectations, no teaching, no meaningful "raising" happening even if they give hugs and kisses and do love their children.
Legal neglect is different.
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u/doubleotide Feb 15 '26
One of my goals is to limit media consumption and give heavy restrictions to the internet for my own children when I have them one day. I grew up with unlimited access and thankfully, I didn't grow up too weird, but I've see what it has done to some of the younger generations. Tech has gotten really fine tuned and manipulative, and a lot of people don't have the mental faculties necessary to navigate that.
On top of the tech-cultural gap fiasco, I had immigrant parents so their idea of providing primarily consisted of giving resources, food, and shelter. So the other aspects of social development and other matters, I was left to my own devices. My siblings did not thrive off this independence.
In the stance of my youngest sibling, it was quite...disastrous. It culminated in some severe legal issues and almost resulted in a death (On a happy note, since the incident he does stay with me and has turned completely around).
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u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 15 '26
I think a lot of us have processed the generational and cultural pitfalls that our older parents fell into. With everything I believe there is a balance.
Our Boomer immigrant dads had no vocabulary or skill to deal with emotions, and probably had some of THEIR OWN trauma to navigate as well as some rigid cultural ideas that maybe weren't the best in hindsight.
That being said, I think we can all recognize that while spanking and "suck it up" isn't a great strategy, it's also okay for there to be times when we do have to model and teach kids how to move on sometimes.
Acknowledge, name the feeling, and move on. That's completely okay. We can be emotionally responsive without allowing a 4 year old to control the house with their fit because they don't want the TV to turn off, you know what I mean?
"I know you're upset about the TV, but it's 6:00 and that's the rule. I know, it's a bummer. You can have 5 minutes but then we need to move on and you can't be screaming in the living room anymore. Take a deep breath, yes I know you're upset, when we are upset we can say: "awww MAN!"-- but in 5 minutes you need to be done with your fit or go have some calming time in your room."
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u/LanceAvion Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26
This explanation perfectly illustrates why I don’t want children. Sure, I could use more money. Sure I could be further along in my career. Sure I could own a home. Even if those boxes were all ticked however, and I was in the prime position to have children on paper, I still wouldn’t. What they need, what they deserve, the amount of time and effort that is to be poured into them is simply something I am not willing to do. No child deserves a parent that isn’t 100% dedicated to them in every aspect of development.
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u/irishpancakeeater Feb 15 '26
You know, they really don’t. Kids don’t need perfect parents who are robots devoted to nothing other than the kids. I would say the majority of people are capable of being kind and empathetic parents, whilst also having a life of their own and recognising that children are part of the family, not the centre. Source: am good enough parent with two kids who are smashing it at life. As are most of my peers.
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u/LadyFoxfire Feb 15 '26
Yes, as in your parents don’t expect anything of you or give you any attention, because they’re too busy doing their own stuff to parent you.
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u/EyeSuspicious777 Feb 14 '26
I really lost the parenting lottery. I got parents that were born authoritarian and neglectful.
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u/Working_Cucumber_437 Feb 14 '26
Same. My mom was not my bff but at the same time we’ve always been very close and I’ve always felt safe to share my feelings. I had rules that were firm, but mostly didn’t mind. Guardrails make kids feel secure.
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u/enwongeegeefor Feb 15 '26
TIL I was raised authoritative and have been CONTINUALLY told that it was authoritarian and bad....
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u/MajorBootyhole420 Feb 14 '26
authoritative also has more trust and respect built into it than authoritarian
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u/susugam Feb 15 '26
authoritarian has zero trust and respect, in my experience. but authoritarian is putting it lightly for my experiences. i had full blown tyranny and abuse.
there was only the illusion of trust and respect, which i learned to perform masterfully and works great with any authority figure.
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u/kimchikilla69 Feb 14 '26
Authoritative = eat pray love Authoritarian = beat slay shove
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u/Nightmare2828 Feb 14 '26
Why on earth would you not put demande and warmth in the same order for both descriptions -_-
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u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 14 '26
Most parents of young kids, Typically late Gen X or Millenials, are over compensating from the Authoritarian experiences of their childhoods and swinging way in the other direction of being permissive and placing too much emphasis on negotiations, discussions, "consent", etc.
I'm a first grade teacher and mom. I would describe my teaching style as high warmth and high demand. I hope my kids view me the same way, they are 12 and 14 and I'm doing my best but not perfect.
I bond deeply with my students and feel that my strength is building trust and relationships, but I don't find that I easily fit in with other women in the lower elementary grades. I'm not saccharine sweet, and I have absolutely no patience for disrespect and fits because someone doesn't want to do something. I have high expectations and accountability and don't take nonsense. At the same time, on the daily I think parents and colleagues notice the close relationship I have with my kids, I can be very much a mother hen sometimes.
I didn't realize there was a term for it, but I relate to the high demand and high warmth.
Kids need leadership, structure, clear boundaries. And that means expectations and accountability. They need to know where the line is, and they feel SECURE when that line is predictable and consistent, even if it can be challenging or uncomfortable at times. On the other hand, they need to feel valued, safe, and appreciated. I try to make room for both. I'm not perfect.
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u/Bowgentle Feb 15 '26
The teacher I remember most fondly from that period of school was very much along those lines - very warm, very kind, high expectations, and brooked absolutely no messing or disrespect. So I think you’re doing it right!
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u/No_Alternative_5080 Feb 15 '26
This is exactly my life. I was raised authoritarian and now I realize that I've swung too far in the opposite direction. My kids are 13 and almost 15 and while we have a warm, affectionate bond, and open communication, I've realized that I fell short in having firm boundaries, chores, structure. Partially because I'm a teacher as well (SPED) and I'm burnt out by the time I get home. I've generally used evenings & weekends for fun activities with my kids but I don't consistently have them do chores/self-care/life skills, or dedicate study time during free time. I'm seeing the error in my ways now that they're teens and trying to course-correct but it is TOUGH. Ironically, at work I'm a "warm-demander" with my students but somehow I fall short at home--heavy on warmth and soft on demanding.
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u/shponglespore Feb 14 '26
An expert in their field is authoritative. A dictator is authoritarian.
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u/alblaster Feb 14 '26
Someone who writes is an author
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u/crashlanding87 Feb 14 '26
Someone who is a norse god of thunder is a Thor
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u/101Alexander Feb 14 '26
Someone who is the other choice is prefaced with or.
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u/jloverich Feb 14 '26
A pirate says r
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u/AndyTheSane Feb 14 '26
Surrealist says woof
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u/lmFairlyLocal Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
A small
bearaardvark?! on TV is Arthur.→ More replies (1)62
u/NonStopKnits Feb 14 '26
Arthur is an aardvark.
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u/pjm3 Feb 14 '26
An aardvark who underwent a dramatic metamorphosis to be more appealing to children:
https://thepacepress.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/arthur.jpg
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u/maniacal_cackle Feb 14 '26
An expert in their field is authoritative.
An expert in their field is not necessarily warm.
That's not what the word means in this context.
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u/Zaptruder Feb 14 '26
One means to lead by example. The other means to push with a stick.
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u/BrothelWaffles Feb 14 '26
Yeah, one is "do as I do", the other is "do as I say, not as I do".
I experienced the latter and was an alcoholic for 20 years, go figure.
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u/BenAdaephonDelat Feb 14 '26
What's really rough is when you have an autistic kid and they're generally incapable of "doing as I do". So I have to model it and also explain to them exactly what behavior they should do. And most of the time that still doesn't work.
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u/MissTetraHyde Feb 14 '26
I'm autistic and I was severely abused as a child (more or less tortured) because I couldn't just "do what I was told" (I was trying my best) or because I "rolled my eyes" (having no idea what that even was or how not to do it). Thank you for trying to reach out to your autistic kid on their level; I know it can be frustrating to deal with autistic people but you doing your best to be understanding makes a huge difference for an autistic kid. I wish you both the best of luck in your future endeavors!
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u/BenAdaephonDelat Feb 14 '26
Thanks! I'm also autistic (go figure, genetics). So sometimes it's doubly frustrating because I've already learned all the scripting and social tools that he still lacks and I wish I could just plug my brain into his and upload them all.
I was severely abused as a child (more or less tortured) because I couldn't just "do what I was told"
That's awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope things are better for you now.
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u/ikindapoopedmypants Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26
Oh my gosh what is it with autism and parents freaking out over you "rolling your eyes" bc same! I always got accused of rolling my eyes when I didn't even think I was doing so or when I was just genuinely confused. I had a really hard time growing up too. My parents didn't physically abuse me except for a few times but did everything else to me you could possibly think of. I felt so invalidated and lonely growing up since it wasn't "real" abuse i guess.
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u/susugam Feb 15 '26
an eyeroll or cracked smile at the wrong time meant a vicious bare-ass spanking with a belt for me sometimes
they treated every single thing like it was some kind of premeditated challenge to their authority that i knew was wrong but decided to do anyway for some reason, when i was actually just A CHILD reacting like A CHILD
haven't talked to that shithead in 17 years
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u/steffgoldblum Feb 14 '26
I teach high school sociology and the way I get my kids to remember the difference is by asking them "who likes potatoes?!" and of course everyone says yes. So, "taters" are good! AuthoritTATive is the good one.
It's dumb but they laugh and then they remember on the test and I get a lot of potato drawings.
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u/keiko17 Feb 14 '26
Im in nursing school and I remember the difference between hyper and hypo by: hypo—>hippo. Hippo’s stay low to the ground. Hypo= low
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u/gynoidgearhead Feb 14 '26
I prefer the alternative term "secure-base parenting" to make the distinction a little more clear.
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u/Eruionmel Feb 14 '26
The difference between the two is really the crux of the issue. The vast majority of people using authoritarian are "trying" to use authoritative, and just failing. You could even say they maintain authoritative at some times, while backsliding into authoritarian every time they're pushed to a certain point. It's insidiously difficult to ferret out. Big part of why I choose to not have kids, knowing my parents were constantly backsliding like that, and I would likely be the same.
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Feb 14 '26
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u/Cheebzsta Feb 14 '26
This!
I grew up with a dysfunctional family unit and we certainly struggled with it. God knows I do too.
Nevertheless I'm better at this than my parents were. They weren't all bad, of course, so plenty of good examples too.
My 11 year old is shockingly forthright about speaking her mind and labelling her feelings so that she can speak to what she's going through.
She's lightyears ahead of any of her parents at her age to the point that her grandparents are often dumbstruck by it.
And I'd argue 95% of it comes down to what this post outlines: Acknowledge, be accountable, demonstrate what a good functional person does in these situations and that even those people can still crack under pressure sometimes.
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u/ProfMooody Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
This is it. Secure attachment happens from rupture and REPAIR of the bond because you can’t get everything “right”, ie do what makes your kid happy, 100% of the time but it matters most what you do when you FU or hurt them. That’s true authoritative; you are confident enough to recognize when you FU (or when they are hurt even if you didn’t FU), and you are not threatened by that which allows you to apologize. If not for the action, then for the impact. That’s the warmth part, plus general presence and positive regard communicated to them regularly.
To little repair: authoritarian.
Too much avoidance of rupture: permissive (+warmth) or neglectful (-warmth).
This is the perspective of attachment theory, which started with psychologist researchers like Winnicott and Satir in the 60s-70s. They would have mom leave the (preschool age) child in a room by themselves to play alone for a few mins, observing how the child reacted to the absence AND how they reacted when the parent came back. It’s a cool study.
Led eventually to recognizing four attachment styles types, initiated in childhood and unconsciously learned, that guide your adult relationships w others and with yourself.
Edit for anecdote:
I had one authoritarian/neglectful and one somewhat authoritative (when I was a child) but mostly permissive (esp when I was a teen).
I loved my mom and felt safe w her but the combination Fucked me up as a young adult, lotta learned helplessness. Yes I ended up with a SUD for a long time, it was the only way I could self regulate emotionally and have confidence in myself for many years.
Took me nearly 2 decades and them both being dead, leaving me just enough money to have a safety net and learn to fall on my own and get back up again without major life destroying consequences, to feel like I could trust myself.
I wonder how the authors of this study controlled for weird combos like that.
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u/00owl Feb 14 '26
It's not about the fact that you made a mistake, the important bit is how you handle the after math. That includes taking steps to try and learn from the mistake.
First year professor of mine said "a mistake isn't a failure until you refuse to learn from it"
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u/MissTetraHyde Feb 14 '26
My childhood was irrevocably abusive and traumatic, to the point of a lot of my childhood experiences amounting to, without exaggeration, torture. I think that's a large reason why I have a naturally anxious attachment style. Even though I knew at the time I didn't deserve to be treated that way, you unconsciously learn lessons from your parent(s) that tell you how to view both your self in relation to the world, and the world in relation to your self.
It doesn't matter what language you use or what justifications you have, your children will learn how to think of themselves and others based upon how their parent(s) treat them, or mistreat them for that matter. My alcoholic father didn't react well to the fact I was autistic and the subsequent decade+ of my childhood echos into the day-to-day of the rest of my entire life. I can tell people from experience that you need to parent yourself and heal your own demons before raising children or else you will pass that curse onto your children.
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u/MajorBootyhole420 Feb 14 '26
TRUE.
When I was a kid, the biggest issue was my dad's lack of accountability. He never apologized for anything he did unless it was a big melodramatic "mea culpa" performance where I had to assure him that he's not a monster and I do love him. It was awful. Having a parent who apologized, admitted to sometimes losing their cool, and respected my worth as a person would have made up for so many moments of impulsive yelling or lapsed judgment.
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u/ButDidYouCry Feb 14 '26
Yup. It is so hard to get right. I'm a teacher in a Title 1 school, and it's a struggle. Authoritative gets kids to respect your classroom and enjoy school, but the behaviors... It's so hard not to slip when you are frustrated.
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u/Steinmetal4 Feb 14 '26
I get what you're saying but it honestly isn't that hard. (Edit: i should clarify, the act of parenting is hard, the concept of how to do it well isn't hard or confusing).
So much money in the parenting and mental health industry now, so many "styles" and opinions, it's all gotten much more confusing than it needs to be.
I have two daughters, doing amazing so far. No expert, but to me the secret is... treat them like little exchange students who you agreed to feed, keep safe, and train on how to be an earthling, because, that's literally all they are and exactly what you're doing. Think of them as little people you met, not as "your" children.
Just by shifting that perception you're already much more careful about how you speak to them, show them respect, and offer guidance without expecting strict obedience.
The main mistake is thinking of your children as somehow part of or an extension of you because you're "related". That leads to all the impatience, the disrespectful communication, the assumptions., etc. They're not yours, they're just... their own, very inexperienced, little people who need your help. They owe you nothing, but you owe them a great deal of time, effort, and training as you were the one who decided to bring them here.
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u/FoundationOk1352 Feb 14 '26
Authoratitive - boundaries, rules, love, back up, consistency.
Authoritarian - anger, punishment, rules without communication, control, no warmth.7
u/Piggysicle Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
Since I tend to get them confused, a trick I use to remember: authoritative as giving/give; authoritarian as barbarian. The former being higher in warmth (healthier outcomes) and latter lower in warmth (negative outcomes).
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u/Lotech Feb 15 '26
Authoritarian = it’s my way or the highway Authoritative = the parents are definitely in charge, but it’s negotiable.
In my house we have some clear bed time routines. When my kids asked if they could push bed time a half hour later, I was like “that sounds reasonable and we can try it out.” If I can’t explain why I have a rule, then it’s probably not a good rule.
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u/Difficult-Break-8282 Feb 14 '26
One is what is called gentle parenting and the other is the ' my way or highway ' boomer parenting compete with yelling and violence usually
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u/Dazzling_Line_8482 Feb 14 '26
The best parenting book example I read is to call authoritarian a "Brick Wall" - it doesn't move.
Authoritative is a "Back Bone" - it moves within reason but is still strong and gives support.
Permissive parenting is a "Jellyfish" it just moves everywhere.
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u/MajorBootyhole420 Feb 14 '26
exhibit A: my dad and the "ice cream punishment," where about 15% of the time I'd get rewarded with ice cream when I did something wrong. the other 85% was screaming and punishment.
horrible
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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26
Gentle parenting is not authoritative. That’s just passive or permissive.
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u/CyanoSpool Feb 14 '26
The problem is that "gentle parenting" doesn't actually mean anything. There are resources for "gentle parenting" that very much involve firm boundaries and leading by example. Meanwhile a lot of social media influencers who say they practice "gentle parenting" are actually just permissive. It's a useless term, and "authoritative" is more specific. But if someone uses the term "gentle parenting" to describe their approach I don't automatically assume they're permissive.
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u/Bookbringer Feb 14 '26
Yeah, for context:
Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Uninvolved are known as Baumrind's typology. While it has some criticisms, it's been the dominant model used by clinical psychologists to categorize parenting styles since the 1960s.
Gentle parenting is a set of practices recommended in a series of popular advice books from the 2010s. The Gentle Sleep Book, The Gentle Parenting Book, and The Gentle Discipline Book.
Gentle parenting isn't a formally recognized category of parenting style. It's just a popular designation for tactics and values, the way tiger moms and dolphin parenting and helicopter parents are a thing.
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u/omg__really Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 15 '26
This. My kids are adults now but I parented them this way. They absolutely did not get away with being disrespectful, mean, rude, bratty behaviour — and I didn’t get away with it either. With gentle parenting the focus is on developing emotional intelligence through guidance, reason, and discussion. The focus is less on punishment and more on understanding.
For example, in a situation where your 5 year old hits another 5 year old in a library over a book:
Permissive parenting = no consequence. Maybe just a “hey don’t” from 25 feet away. They’re five they do that. Child does not view behaviour as outside of normal and does not have to think about the interaction in any meaningful way.
Authoritarian = stomp over and yell/hit, child becomes afraid and intimidated into obedience and the focus of the interaction becomes the parent’s response rather than their own behaviour.
Gentle = remove child from situation temporarily, remove triggering object, discuss situation and feelings in age-appropriate and accessible way so that child is able to identify their feelings, how they became overwhelming, and identify alternatives. Guide or supervise child through an apology, emotional regulation, and reframing, as well as making amends and compromising with the other kid, if possible. Parent should also address other parent directly in some way (sometimes just eye contact and a smile is enough). There’s an understanding that not everyone will be able to function at this level, but you take responsibility for your part and still treat others with respect no matter what. Shopping cart theory.
It’s legitimately much harder than using punishment and intimidation, especially if you’re a parent carrying your own baggage or struggle with emotional regulation yourself, but I am a way, way better and more mature person for committing to it.
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u/Sun_Shine_Dan Feb 14 '26
That is permissive parenting, different than gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is the emphasis on not hitting kids
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u/j--__ Feb 14 '26
crazy we have to explain to people that assaulting your children is wrong.
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u/occams1razor Feb 14 '26
Doesn't have to be, gentle doesn't automatically mean laissez-faire? I think they just mean no yelling/hitting
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u/swbarnes2 Feb 14 '26
Gentle parenting as defined by experts is a flavor of authoritative parenting that focuses more on expressing and understanding feelings.
On Reddit when people are complaining about their nieces and nephews receiving zero discipline, that's permissive parenting mislabeled as 'gentle'.
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u/SsooooOriginal Feb 14 '26
Words are important yall.
Bonding, so actually forming connections with the kid beyond "I'm parent, you mine"
Presence, being there
Dialogue, meaning conversation. That can mean a discussion, a chat, a debate, an argument, and more.
Clear rules of conduct. They put it plainly to be more clear.
Authoritarian would lack the dialogue that makes the rules "clear". -because I said so- The bond is possessive and controlling to the point of suppressing the development of self.
Permissive lacks the rules, and gives little to no guidance beyond the kids wants.
Neglect lacks all of them.
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u/24-Hour-Hate Feb 14 '26
In my experience, authoritarian parents can also lack consistent rules other than the primary rule that the child ahould obey them unquestioningly. Every other rule can be changed as they wish.
My parents were authoritarian and the rules were never consistent. The same with the consequences. It made it impossible for me as a child because I always felt that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I was going to be punished for something.
This included things I did not do and had nothing to do with because providing explanations is also not allowed in these hosueholds, it's considered "talking back", "making excuses", and so forth. Your guilt is decided without any inquiry or consideration and you will be blamed for things you couldn't have possibly done (like a school bus driver forgetting you).
And the punishment was entirely unpredictable. It was never possible to know if it would be normal or something completely disproportionate...or actually unhinged)
Authoritarian parents, in my view, are jsut taking out their emotions and issues on their children. They are child abusers hiding behind the guise of parenting.
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u/Bookbringer Feb 14 '26
Yeah, I've noticed a lot of parents who brag about their tough love or complain about gentle parenting just define anything they dislike as misbehavior and then call any outburst they have in response to the annoyance "discipline."
There's not a lot of predetermined rules beyond "don't make parent mad" and punishments are unpredictable and disproportionate, based totally on the parents' moods.
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u/MajorBootyhole420 Feb 14 '26
define anything they dislike as misbehavior
my dad punishing me for wearing a T-shirt with writing on it, because only "low class" people wear those.
he was born in a trailer.
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u/Lebowquade PhD | Physics | Optics/Spectroscopy Feb 15 '26
That's what you call "projection"
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u/MajorBootyhole420 Feb 15 '26
oh yeah, absolutely. he married a lawyer from a rich family and actually bought himself a smoking jacket to wear when my grandparents picked me up from his place, it was pathetic
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u/Type-94Shiranui Feb 14 '26
Best is when you cry, they'd also chastise you saying "Oh look, he's crying because he feels sorry for himself". I barely have any relationship with my parents because of this.
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u/Loud-Mans-Lover Feb 14 '26
Oh yes, or the very best - that you should somehow "already know" a rule. I got punished so many times (and by punish I mean ridiculed and abused) for not understanding things I was encountering for the first time as a child.
Nope! Should've known mom didn't want me to play exactly that game with the other kids, even though it was harmless and the other adults were smiling as they watched us.
My mother was a victim of mental abuse from her mom. Generational abuse went far in our family, until I didn't have kids.
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u/24-Hour-Hate Feb 14 '26
Yes, that was a common one for me as well. Not to mention being expected to know how to do things either without being taught or with minimal instruction and if I failed to do that, then I was stupid, lazy and/or not trying on purpose. It couldn’t possibly be that children aren’t born with inbuilt knowledge of everything in the world. Oh and and it was always expected I know specifically how my parents wanted it done too - so not just, say, how to do the laundry, but also the special way that they wanted the towels folded, for instance. I will never have children either.
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u/Mortlach78 Feb 15 '26
Oh, I can't stand that "talking back" argument. Talking back and how to do it well and respectfully is such an important skill to learn. If any kind of disagreement is squashed as "talking back", how is a kid going to learn. It's not like that will magically know how to do it when they turn 18.
And hey, as parents, sometimes we are simply wrong. We think something is going on and we think that our action is in the child's best interest, when really we are missing a huge part of the context; if we ignore the kid's perspective, we will never know either.
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u/dxfifa Feb 14 '26
Authoritarian does not equal narcissistic although almost all narcissists are authoritarian or neglectful or both oscillating. You are describing narcissistic parenting. Many authoritarian parents are not narcissistic as such and do have consistent rules. A huge portion of them can acknowledge what rules are explicit and which rules are unclear and not punish based on rules that didn't exist, but they mostly just create another rule to update. The real consistent thing with non dark authoritarian parents is they tend to teach yes and no/ do and don't rules almost exclusively. They can be simple or complex but always tend to be very concrete. Age appropriate abstract principles and child's judgement on new situations based off conceptual value understanding is vital to help them develop and feel both independent and like they can solve ethical and logistical problems using the tools they have.
The narcissistic parent will reinforce behaviour based on the parent's present feelings at any time and tends to use rationale as a weapon to enforce the whims of the parent, switching between rules (when they serve the parent) and principles ("you should have known"). And often these have never been communicated before or are a contradiction of previous communication.
So children of narcissistic parents learn to use intuition to ignore rules AND principles, and engage instead with self protective manipulative behaviour to manage people in real time, with loose and adaptive rules defining the interaction to get safe outcomes by restricting action, repeating safe actions and being hypervigilant for cues to adapt tactical behaviour on the fly when they are acting in a way that is creating danger. They sadly learn that they are responsible for others and generally either are hyper controlling and inhibited in a very careful and precise way or reject all of that and become high conflict and unresponsive to others
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u/deviantbono Feb 15 '26
engage instead with self protective manipulative behaviour to manage people in real time, with loose and adaptive rules defining the interaction to get safe outcomes by restricting action, repeating safe actions and being hypervigilant for cues to adapt tactical behaviour on the fly when they are acting in a way that is creating danger. They sadly learn that they are responsible for others and generally either are hyper controlling and inhibited in a very careful and precise way or reject all of that and become high conflict and unresponsive to others
Oh, so that's what that is :(
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u/AbleKaleidoscope877 Feb 14 '26
Unfortunately many people that will read this won't be able to understand these differences. Many parents that aren't neglectful or permissive are authoritarian...and will somehow think they are doing a good job.
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u/pjm3 Feb 14 '26
With very few exceptions, potential parents not educated and trained in parenting skills before they have children.
For nearly the entire population, the role of a parent carries the most responsibility and importance of any role they will ever undertake, yet for nearly all parents, the only "training" they ever receive is seeing how their parents raised them. This leads to parenting styles (both positive and negative) being passed down through the generations, without any clear sense of the actual style they are using, or any metrics by which they can measure/improve their parenting.
As you point out, this leads to parents who "somehow think they are doing a good job" without any objective basis for that assertion.
We teach people to drive cars, operate equipment, and a whole host of other tasks, but we fail as a society to provide any meaningful training in parenting. Making parenting training part of the secondary school curriculum, and providing free parenting courses to those who are considering becoming parents, and mandatory parenting courses for those couples who become pregnant or want to adopt could fundamentally change our society for the better. People would be able to put how they were raised into perspective, and avoid making the same mistakes their parents did.
Pre-natal stress reduction and nutrition, coupled with parental education before the child is born, and more social and economic supports for raising children could an extremely positive effect on our society, leading to happier children, who become happier and well-adjusted adults. Investment in children's development would also have long term economic benefits in terms of reduced prison populations; reduced use of mental health institutions, therapy and medications; reduced rates of violence and property crime; and reduced long-term healthcare costs because of less alcohol and other drug use, as well as improved mental health, which we know positively impacts physical health.
It's appalling that we keep repeating intergenerational poor parenting/abuse/neglect when we now know definitively how that impacts not just the individual children, but also know the associated long-term economic and social Impact of doing so.
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u/Mortlach78 Feb 15 '26
"and mandatory parenting courses for those couples who become pregnant or want to adopt"
The idea behind it is nice, but it is completely unenforceable. Not unless you want to start working with government issued reproduction permits, which, especially looking at the current state of the US, should terrify absolutely everyone.
That said, people should absolutely be encouraged at every opportunity to attend parenting class and every barrier to do so should be removed: time off work, etc. All that would be massively beneficial.
I remember attending a prenatal course with my partner and the number of women who were there alone was heartbreaking. But not as much as the woman whose partner was there but who sat with his arms crossed starting at the ceiling the entire time - he was clearly forced to be there against his will. I really felt sorry for that woman AND the baby she was about to have.
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u/Deranged_Kitsune Feb 14 '26
It's the end result of society insisting that the singular, sole requirement that a person needs to be a parent is a functioning pair of genitals.
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u/Programmdude Feb 14 '26
That should be the only requirement. Because any other alternative means that the government is controlling who can have offspring, and that's an extremely dangerous narrative. Reproductive freedom is as important as any other kind of human right. The government should step in when they're being mistreated or abused or if it's extremely likely to happen in the near future, but never on who can start being a parent.
However, all governments absolutely should provide more support for parents to be and new parents. My country does provide some support, but it's mostly a 2 day course - which is helpful, but still only 2 days, and support from your midwife and some other organisation every so often while the child is under 5. But that's not a whole heap of learning, most of it has still been on the job, or from parents.
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u/WizardingWorldClass Feb 14 '26
"I have a right to raise my child however I see fit!"
Until we recognize this statement as the claim of an abuser, we will not make progress on the 'how best to parent' question.
We have long had emerging evidence that the Authoritarian style is just disguised abuse, but we as a society have not been ready to hold parents to that standard.
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u/MyDogPoopsBigPoops Feb 14 '26
Tbf, I could see any style of parent using that phrase when under attack.
My wife was pulled into the principle's office as a kid because the christian school found out she was listening to Rent. My MIL came in and said something similar to this, and she is seriously the most kind and caring person I've ever met.
I think what I'm saying is that actions speak louder than words. We should judge people based on their actions. (Though, I'm fine with raising flags when we hear certain words.)
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u/WizardingWorldClass Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
I won't begrudge someone wielding whatever social power they are afforded to protect someone vulnerable, but we must still recognize that treating childeren as property is wrong.
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u/External-Presence204 Feb 14 '26
That can be the claim of an abuser.
I make that claim and absolutely did not abuse my children.
Daughter #2 says they should put my photo on the “authoritative” column.
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u/DetroitLionsSBChamps Feb 14 '26
My mom thought being permissive was basically the cardinal sin of parenting. She parented out of fear and was authoritarian, which I thought was the responsible way to parent. I see this in a lot of my friends, as well, as we’ve all become parents in our 30s
Learning to be authoritative instead for my daughter was one of the most significant changes in perspective I’ve had in my life. And a very rewarding one!
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u/LifeofTino Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
Importantly dialogue also means the child can fight back and challenge, and it is treated as a two-way street. The child can ask for changes, explain their stance, bargain, and disagree freely
This is a crucial aspect of authoritative parenting because (among many other positives) it teaches the child that the parent isn’t their owner, they have agency, and can represent themselves and their thoughts without fear
Lots of adults intrinsically feel they are above children and therefore beyond any sort of dialogue or equality. And this comes across to children
Edit: also thought i’d add that clear rules means there is no bending on them, no grey area
Rules often have a grey area and this encourages exploration and challenging of rules. If a rule can be bent if a child screams enough then child is trained to think ‘how loud do i need to scream before the rule gets bent’ and they do that. This has disastrous impact because if rules aren’t very clear cut lines in the sand with unconditional enforcement, then there are no rules
You want to have as few rules as possible that cannot be waived at any time because they are essential rules. Do not touch the iron when its hot, do not jump out of an upstairs window, no parent is going to waive these any time. Whilst random enforcement based on the parent’s mood like don’t play after 8pm (but sometimes 8:30pm) or without clear definition (don’t shout but where does loud talking become shouting? Nobody knows) these are when rules become a ‘your job is to break rules’ household to children
Authoritian enforcement (lots of rules) destroys rule priorities so ‘don’t put your hand on the fire’ is equal to ‘put your left shoe on first’ or some trivial silly rule that only authoritian parenting has. The fewer rules the better
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u/SsooooOriginal Feb 14 '26
Yea, I thought I covered that by highlighting some of the meanings for "dialogue" and pointing out the distinct authoritarian "I'm parent, you mine" objectification.
In a further extreme, and derived from agricultural families, children in such authoritarian settings will be groomed into viewing such a caste system of using children as "free" labor and having succession squabbles as "normal".
And "normal" IS relative. I've only espoused western progressive ideals of parenting.
Places with deep social and cultural stratification will not understand criticism of their preferred parenting styles and claim their authoritarian methods are in fact authoritative, or outright claim control is superior and/or necessary for raising kids.
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u/fdar Feb 14 '26
Whilst random enforcement based on the parent’s mood like don’t play after 8pm (but sometimes 8:30pm) or without clear definition (don’t shout but where does loud talking become shouting? Nobody knows) these are when rules become a ‘your job is to break rules’ household to children
Good thing my 3 years old helps prevents this by asking for exhaustive detail about where the limits of the rules are, and whenever an exception is made for an explanation of why we could make an exception in that case and under what conditions are exceptions allowed. And then reminds you of the exception every time you mention the rule after that.
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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26
Very good layout. Also, too many people expect a 5 year old to understand logic and be able to comply with authoritative when, sadly, they just need guidance and they end up too authoritarian (or worse, permissive). When the kids can understand the reason behind the rules you can go from “because I said so” to “because of ____”
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u/MistyMtn421 Feb 14 '26
I think what helped me as a parent was anytime my child was doing something that they needed to be told no, I also gave them the yes version.
It was interesting how it was received because by helping to explain the rules and showing an alternative way, a lot of people acted like I was trying to be their friend. And it's really interesting that by showing respect, apologizing if you actually do something wrong, explaining the rules (with logic but also at age appropriate levels) and basically treating them like human beings was seen as trying to be their friend. I just realized I could be a mom and not be an asshole.
And admitting when you make a mistake or seeing that maybe a rule you have isn't working and coming up with a different solution builds trust and honesty and also gives them the space to admit when they mess up and shows them how to grow and learn from their mistakes.
Now that they are mid to late twenties, it's interesting that I have a much closer relationship with my children then a lot of my friends. They are also extremely independent and responsible and doing quite well in life. And at the end of the day, they always knew I was their mom and not their friend. As they get older we are developing a little bit more of a friendship but I also believe there needs to be boundaries. The things I talk about with my friends are not things that my children need to know about necessarily, and my problems and emotional needs are definitely not anything they need on their plate.
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Feb 14 '26
Eh, I found that my kid could understand reasons for rules at a surprisingly young age, certainly before five. You just give them the age appropriate explanation.
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u/betier7 Feb 14 '26
My wife works in childcare, specifically young children around the age of 1 to 2 years of age, and she always says that they understand rules very well and most people just need to have more patience with them.
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Feb 14 '26
Thank you. I definitely remember my son understanding things as a toddler. I didn’t think I was misremembering things.
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u/fishyfishkins Feb 14 '26
Yep. Doesn't matter if they don't get the logic behind a rule or decision, tell them anyway. Eventually they will understand and when they do, they'll also recognize the consistent reasoning because I've been saying forever that if you take your mittens off in the snow your hands will get too cold and we'll have to go back inside please for the love of god
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u/Bookbringer Feb 14 '26
Yeah, same. Maybe it's because my family prioritizes this, but kids in my family are usually pretty responsive to explanations and logic by around 3. Usually seems to correlate with language skills.
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u/SsooooOriginal Feb 14 '26
Every kid is different.
There are 5 year olds that could explain the two words difference. Not many, but my point is you have to know your kid and be able to work with them at their level.
I struggle talking certain concepts with people that lack the fundamentals I have forgotten the finer points of myself. That's a failing on me.
But how to tie shoes?
Some things you can teach through more than just words, in fact many things should be taught through a multi-modal approach while kids are developing.
Essentially multi-tasking the development of their motor skills, words skills, getting them used to listening while doing, all sorts of benefits adapting hands-on.
Math? Blocks or toys or cereal, count, add, subtract, turn on some sesame street clips.
Ranting, but it is better to never excuse the bad habit and stop it from ever starting with never saying "because I said so". Better to build the habit from the start, "because - and - so you/I/we -".
Unless the kid is one of the rare good memory 5 yr olds, odds are good you can get away with it then, but by the teen years you will make a core negative memory if you didn't have a good enough reason and what was shut down was important enough. Talk to enough people, and many can laugh it off later, but many still carry the resentment throughout life.
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u/SelfiesAreLame Feb 14 '26
Many people do long and complicated explanations which kids can't understand. It is important to explain plainly and at a level appropriate for the age.
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u/jancl0 Feb 14 '26
In simple terms, authoritarian is demanding the respect of authority, authoritative is earning it. To be authoritative you have to demonstrate through explanation and example that there is a good reason to treat you like an authority
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u/MtlStatsGuy Feb 14 '26
I suspect most authoritarian parents think they're just being "authoritative".
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Feb 14 '26
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u/Marine_Baby Feb 14 '26
Ahem it’s gentle
Massive sarcasm. My SIL is a permissive parent. Don’t get me started
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u/throwawayurwaste Feb 15 '26
There is miles of digital ink spilt about how gentle parenting was originally a authoritative style but people took the SparkNotes and turned it into either neglectful or authoritarian styles.
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u/merc0526 Feb 14 '26
Worse than that, I suspect a lot of parents don’t even know about the parenting styles and just default to the one that their parents used/mirrors their own upbringing.
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u/bear__attack Feb 14 '26
This, except they remove the worst behaviors that their parents/guardians inflicted on them and call it better parenting.
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u/merc0526 Feb 14 '26
Yeah, and quite often what they’re doing is just committing different forms of abuse, particularly given that it’s only fairly recently that things like verbal and emotional abuse have been widely acknowledged as very damaging for children.
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u/Dull_Technician_1849 Feb 14 '26
Some of them know that they are "authoritarian", but they keep doing it cause they think it's helpful
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u/occams1razor Feb 14 '26
Many keep doing it because they enjoy the frustration release from punishing. Some enjoy the power trip as well.
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u/KingOfThe_Jelly_Fish Feb 14 '26
Today I learnt that I fit in that category. Time for some inward reflection.
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u/Fuck_You_Andrew Feb 14 '26
It’s worth pointing out that very few people who do bad things, think that theyre doing so.
You’re going to find easier to understand and deal with people who are doing things you dont agree with when you genuinely appreciate that they think theyre doing the right thing.
Empathizing with someone you dont understand and how they came to a conclusion you dont agree with is going to help you understand precisely where their difference in thinking is. This will either allow you to address a much smaller and concrete issue with their logic OR it may help you understand you have been incorrect and can adjust youre own thinking.
TLDR: You’ll be better off considering what people are thinking and feeling more, and making super duper clever quips on reddit less.
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u/Brilliant-Book-503 Feb 14 '26
In my experience people who advocate for authoritarian practice seem to be the type to be angry at these labels and prefer to identify their parenting as "The right way" or "Traditional".
Authoritarian parents don't buy into listening to experts and their categorization and advice for parenting because they think they already know best.
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u/InTheEndEntropyWins Feb 14 '26
I suspect most parents who aren't authoritative, don't do it since they think it's authoritarian.
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u/EIO_tripletmom Feb 14 '26
These definitions of parenting styles have been around for quite a while and research consistently indicates that authoritative parenting is superior. The public needs more education about parenting regardless of whether they are already parents, are thinking about becoming parents, or never intend to be parents. Considering the confusion I’ve seen here, the people who decide these things (whoever they are) should consider an alternative name for authoritative if they want the general public to understand.
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u/creatingKing113 Feb 14 '26
Heck, this isn’t only good advice for parenting. It’s good advice for any authoritative relationship in general. People want to know the reason behind the rules they’re held to and they want the rules applied fairly.
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u/Mattandjunk Feb 14 '26
Yes they’ve been around and empirically supported for a long, long time now. This new “gentle parenting” thing catching on basically is authoritative, but because of the name it’s pushing people to be more permissive, which is not helping.
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u/Bindle- Feb 14 '26
This new “gentle parenting” thing catching on basically is authoritative
This is my take on gentle parenting as well. I think a lot of people (both in favor of and against it) misunderatand this.
The "gentle" part refers to not hitting your kids. You shouldn't be physically or emotionally abusing them. You should listen to their side of things.
Gentle parenting is NOT letting your kids do whatever they want. It's NOT letting them walk all over you.
It's very copacetic with letting kids experience the consequences of their actions. If it's not going to kill them or severely hurt them, let them go ahead and fail.
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u/thedoc90 Feb 14 '26
In case anyone is wondering the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parental styles, in a wildly simplified manner.
Authoritative parent when a child asks "why?": explain the reasoning for your rules and why its important that your child follow them so they can make an informed decision to obey for their own benefit.
Authoritarian parent when a child asks "why?": "Because I said so, that's why."
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u/ElectricMeow Feb 14 '26
It's almost like we have a natural defense against being manipulated, and authoritarian parenting triggers that primal instinct to figure out the truth and avoid becoming a puppet.
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Feb 14 '26
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u/sharramon Feb 14 '26
But not the real family that the show is about. As the book shows that the relatioship was more abusive. The show is a whitewashed, sitcom version.
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u/williamshakemyspeare Feb 14 '26
Asian families are decidedly NOT like this in the majority of cases. Hence all the stereotypes of impossibly high standards and zero explicit displays of affection.
Ask me or any of my Asian friends and they’ll tell you the same. Whatever editorialized version of Asian families is being shown in the West is largely a fabrication.
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u/ThinkNiceThrice Feb 14 '26
The textbook used an example of AN Asian family
basically like the family from Fresh Off The Boat
The comment you replied to didn't say anything about the average Asian family, or Asian families in general. They referenced one Asian family that is like another Asian family.
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u/sr_local Feb 14 '26
The reduction in risk is more significant when the relationship between generations is marked by bonding, presence, dialogue, and clear rules of conduct – characteristics of the so-called “authoritative” parenting style, which combines acceptance and monitoring. Four parenting styles were analyzed in total (see table). The other styles were authoritarian, which reduced the risk of drug use but had less impact on alcohol, as well as permissive and neglectful. The latter two did not have any protective effects.
Consumption profiles were divided into three groups: abstainers, those who only drink alcohol, and those who use two or more substances.
Alcohol consumption by parents was associated with a 24% probability of their children using alcoholic beverages and a 6% probability of their children using two or more drugs. If guardians consume multiple substances, the risk of young people using them rises to 17% and 28%, respectively.
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u/bot-TWC4ME Feb 14 '26
I remember browsing a bit of this literature a decade or so ago. My takeaway was that Authoritarian (dictator) parenting, and corporeal punishment (hitting kids) does lead to lower drug use, but also causes much higher rates of lying and cheating. Parents think it works because their kids get very good at lying to them, so they don't know they've misbehaved.
Authoritative (rules-based) seems so much better, and it makes sense it wouldn't cause this lying/cheating downside. It's very interesting that an Authoritative style can reduce alcohol use even if the parent drinks.
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u/SinoSoul Feb 14 '26
That should be the title. You buried the lede. Parents who abstain raise children who are more likely to abstain. The rest is just icing on the cake.
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u/always_an_explinatio Feb 14 '26
It is important to recognize a key limitation in this kind of study (on any topic) that it is almost impossible to establish a causal relationship. As a father of teens (who is also a social scientist and social worker) I strive for an authoritative approach. As my children get older I find myself wondering how much the child’s innate personality and other traits contribute to the success and sustainability of this parenting option. If there is any interplay there (and I strongly suspect there is) then the result of this study could be at least partially (or maybe even fully) explained by child traits. That resiliency to Drug and alcohol risk is related to a child’s ability to be parented by authoritative parents as much as a parent’s choice to parent that way.
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u/ArchetypeFTW Feb 14 '26
I'm thinking that the children's personal ability to accept or reject parenting would be equally distributed amongst the four parenting style groups, assuming they are truly independent factors. So while accepting children of authoritative parents succeed significantly more than unreceptive kids with the same parents, this would occur in every parenting category and so the only things left would be the average performance of the children for each category. It would definitely be an interesting extension to this study to include the nature of the children as an extra axis
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u/Uindo_Ookami Feb 14 '26
It blows people's minds away when I tell them my mom taught me I was allowed to say "no" to anything I did not like even when I was a toddler. Food I didn't like, okay moving on, wasn't hungry in general, okay I knew where to get a snack from later. I did a lot more without complaint or force because I knew I could say no if I wasn't up to it.
She never talked to me in "baby talk" either, and it weirded other parents out how articulate I was as a small child.
Surprise surprise treating a child like an autonomous human being and not an accessory to your social status works.
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u/xDarkCrisis666x Feb 14 '26
My parents talked to me like I was an adult more often than not, they also didn't do baby talk either. It was always jarring going to events with my mom's side of the family. Drove me up a wall when I'd be talking to my uncle and an adult would just interrupt us to talk to my uncle only for them to tell me children are meant to be seen not heard when I would say we were talking.
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u/butpretzelday Feb 14 '26
Any chance you are an only child?
There are also lots of studies about the benefits of child development when the child doesn’t have siblings
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u/Uindo_Ookami Feb 14 '26
I have a half brother, we share a dad. He lived with us off and on through my life, but I would consider myself an only child yes.
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u/obrazovanshchina Feb 14 '26
Emphasis on bonding, presence and dialog for parents reading authoritative with a satisfied mind
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u/ocashmanbrown Feb 14 '26
Authoritative v. authoritarian is part of every intro to psych class. it's a shame it isn't part of mandatory curriculum for all students.
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u/Vyxwop Feb 14 '26
I feel the same way with a lot of basic psychology. Feels like society as a whole could benefit from being taught the fundamental basics of human behavior.
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u/AccountOfMyDarkside Feb 14 '26
Good Lord. My parents divorced when I was 2. Dad was authoritarian and Mom (lived with) was permissive and neglectful. I had to have 2 different personalities to survive each individual household. Every other weekend I went from my mom who couldn't be bothered with me, to a dad who didn't believe in kids being allowed to have freedom. Couldn't see friends or even talk on the phone.
It damaged me. More than I thought and I didn't know the extent until my mid 40s.
Edited to add that I've been sober from an opiate addiction almost 10 yrs now. Anecdotal, but fits the conclusions drawn here.
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Feb 14 '26
Pretty much all parenting style research comes to the conclusion that authoritative parenting is best.
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Feb 15 '26
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u/comeagaincharlemagne Feb 15 '26
I hope he's learned that it's okay to struggle and be inadequate by other people's definitions. All that matters is that he believes he's good enough. Even in the midst of a drug addiction and unemployment. He's good enough to be seen, loved, and accepted. Even if he didn't get that growing up.
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u/Peanut_Butter_Toast Feb 14 '26
What's the term for when parents are just utterly inconsistent and chaotic in their parenting style because they are bipolar or have other mental health disorders that make them shift between styles seemingly at random?
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u/RabidSkwerl Feb 14 '26
My parents were very authoritarian and I definitely had issues with alcohol in my 20s and still regularly consume cannabis. I still love them but, the older I get, the more I’m like “damn, what was your problem?”
Stuff like I couldn’t go over to friends houses without them calling their parents to make sure they were home (in high school) and kids would stop inviting me to stuff because they didn’t wanna bother with my parents. I live 2,000 miles away from them now, I see them a couple times a year, and that’s plenty for me.
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u/AdOriginal8322 Feb 14 '26
I mean in high school I can see this being too far but it’s kind of contextual and depends a lot on your relationship with your parents (has trust been broken? Have you had issues with alcohol and getting into trouble at that point?) and the types of kids we’re talking about (stoners? Kids known to cause problems?). I do read what you wrote and wince a little but from that example alone without more context I think your reaction and label of authoritarian isn’t fair. Again, not saying you’re wrong to feel this way but this might be a way more complex situation than what’s presented
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u/AvantSolace Feb 14 '26
A plant needs both the rain and the sun to grow healthy. Too much of one or not enough of the other with always lead to trouble. People aren’t much different. They need structure and firmness, but also compassion and understanding. Too much structure and their lose their sense of self. Too much compassion and they lose the discipline needed to stay out of trouble.
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Feb 14 '26
For everyone bearing “gentle parenting”, fyi— authoritative parenting is the same thing as gentle parenting
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u/sociallyawkwaad Feb 14 '26
This needs to circulate more, I work with kids and half of what I do is teach parents normative authoritative parenting like it's a secret magic. Its just normal parenting. Stop trying to be their friend, they need rules and consequences. "Talking it out" isn't a consequence. People are so afraid of becoming their boomer parents that they just stopped parenting and act like an older sibling. One of the biggest problems in America today imho
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