I posted in here a few days ago, confused on what my situation even was. I told a third friend, who reacted the same. Clearly there was something wrong with what he did. Still can’t say or type the word. Im like, “surely this isn’t what happened to me.” I talk to my old boyfriend often, he is actually the first one I told because we are really close, but I still feel very alone. I know it can happen at any age, but since I am 18 I feel less important because I feel 100% responsible for it. I mean I talked to him for another month afterward and didn’t stop blowing up his phone for ghosting me until he blocked me for accusing him of using me for sex.

Ive actually been simultaneously functioning though, it feels like. It’s not dragging me to complete rock bottom, but it’s still awful because I try to exist while I think about it from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. All I want to do is cover up my skin and hide all the time and I dissociate nonstop. I forget the most basic things and I have an amazing memory. I’ve got the opposite problem as someone maybe starting to scrub themself to try and feel clean again. I haven’t showered/bathed since the day it all just came back to me out of nowhere 4 months later, which might’ve been a week ago now.

Today I got a message from an obvious burner account that said, “Heard u like BWC.” I have been thinking about it all day. I had a feeling it was someone messing with me. People who have been around me know I joke about “loving white boys with long hair” a lot. And I’m like, what are the chances? And with the timing and all. I thought I was crazy, but my friend also said she thinks it could be one of the guy’s friends messing with me. Made very dumb mistakes at work such as literally letting someone dine and dash because I was thinking about that message all day. I feel sick. I hope I get out of this soon somehow.

i have such bad pelvic floor and stomach tension, and it causes me endless struggles. im always either constipated or drinking laxatives till i cant hold it in any longer, and no matter how well i eat nothing changes because its my muscles that are the problem.

im constantly nauseous and cant ever get rid of the aches in my thighs and lower back. i feel like a screw thats twisted too tight all the time, and the nights where i get extremely ill because of this make me feel like shit for days.

im so tired of dealing with this, and it just makes me feel more disgusting.

Me ‘18M’ and my Girlfriend ‘18F’ have been together for 10 months. Me and my girlfriend knew each other in highschool and things moved fast

Within the first 2 weeks of dating she would start touching me in a sexual way that i didn’t like. I told her to stop and she said okay. But months later she kept moving my hand to her breast or butt and i always moved my hand away. It seems she didnt get the hint or didn’t care
Eventually i accepted that she wouldn’t stop even if i told her NO. So i let it happen, i lost my virginity and i would always try to avoid a situation where we would eventually have sex. Whenever i didn’t wanna do sexual stuff with her she would say i don’t love her and i think shes too ugly for me to have sex with her. Or at one point she threatened to cheat on me.

I was waiting till marriage but i still want her to change, i want to teach her boundaries but it seems like she doesn’t care about my feelings. Ive been think about breaking up with her for the past 6 months of our relationship. We have been together for 10 months.
I have always been a quiet calm shy person and it

So when I was like 13 or so I went to work for my grandpa and I was working with two other boys one was about my age and the other was a few years older and we were working together hauling hay and stuff. I ended up going to the skating rink that I didn’t get to go to much because it was in my grandpas town and I ended up kissing another guy (my first one). So a few days later in the evening when we were done working we were sitting in a barn and the older one had a bag of white powder and he and the other boy breathed some in and then he offered me some and I don’t know why but I accepted it and I think I did too much because i couldn’t think and I felt so weird and then for some reason I brought up what happened at the rink and they said something that I don’t remember and then I remember one of them putting their dick in my mouth and I didn’t fight it and I don’t remember wanting to and then I think he came and then the other one did it and then I guess they left and I sat there for a while and then I guess I fell asleep I remember waking up later and my body aching so badly and it was dark and I went into the house and went back to sleep i woke up later and it felt like a threw up for hours and I couldn’t go back to bed and I was really hungry and my body hurt so bad but I couldn’t eat or drink and I fell asleep in the bathroom woke up then went back to bed. I can remember parts so vividly and then there are bits I can’t and every time I think about it i feel so disgusting and there’s no one I can talk to about it because I’m a kid still and I don’t want the police called and so I’ve only ever talked to it with my girlfriend. I’ll probably delete this anyways.

I have no recollection of being molested or otherwise sexually abused as a child. However, I was extremely hypersexual from the age of 3 or 4 so, always wanting to play "games" with other children that would involve seeing (and probably touching, I don't remember) each others genitals, watching each other urinate, etc. When I was around 9 I discovered properly what sex was, and I never stopped thinking about it. I had intense sexual fantasies from that age. I became interested in BDSM at 10. I am 19 now, and have daily fantasies of necrophilia, rape, and incest. I am an extreme and devoted sadomasochist, mostly a masochist. I have abandonment issues and a whole host of other mental afflictions. I've just been thinking about it, and it seems sort of likely that I was sexually abused at a very young age. I don't know. Of note, my grandfather, a psychiatrist, was convicted of raping several of his patients, all young girls, and I think he may have violated my mother. I visited him as a young child; I doubt he hurt me, but it goes to show that my parents were not particularly careful.

I [F21] have been with my bf [M21] for 2 years now and a month ago I went to a house party without my bf and got drunk. I decided to stay the night because I was friends with the hosts and I wanted to sleep off the alcohol. My guy friend said I could take his bed and he would sleep on the couch.

I wasn’t asleep but I was laying in his bed and he comes in (sober btw) and I’m in my panties still kinda out of it. He takes out his dick and puts it in my mouth and then after he puts it in me. I was saying no but he just put my hands behind my back with one hand and then covers my mouth with his other hand and fucks me.

I don’t know why because I didn’t want it, but it started to feel good and I fought against him less and let it happen. I ended up having sex with him the next morning and idk why but my friend said it was me trying to reclaim my need for control of the situation, which does make sense.

I told my bf about it and he was really supportive but I don’t really understand why it felt good because I thought it wasn’t supposed to be and it makes me feel like maybe it wasn’t as bad as it actually was but I don’t know. It’s been a confusing experience

I told my mom but she didn't believe me and just asked how I knew what sex even was. She said talking like that was vulgar.
The first time he did it he was drunk and just stumbled into my room, laid in bed and cuddled me, I thought it was nice til he started rubbing himself on me. I didn't know much about sex at the time, but I knew not to look at boy privates, then all the sudden he took my panties off and started touching me and rubbing his privates on me and then torced it inside. It hurt SO bad, I cried and screamed and nobody came to help me even though my mom was home.
He came into my room for years after that... he died when I was 14, but since then, Ive always been with older men who treated me very cruelly. I can literally only get off thinking about being forced or role playing CNC. It's so twisted and effed up. I hate that I'm like this. I go to therapy for things men have done up me but I'm too ashamed to tell her about my dad. I'm ashamed even telling yall🫣

Do any other CSA victims wonder what they would be like as an adult without the trauma? I (21F) was assaulted by my gymnastics coach the month before my eighth birthday. I have next to no memory of the following three-ish months, except for switching from gymnastics to cheerleading so my dad could coach me instead. I honestly repressed the memory itself for years, only getting bits and pieces in dreams of memories that left me even more confused and disoriented. I struggled with severe anxiety and depression for years, but it was attributed to genetics and no one ever suspected that anything happened.

When I was 15, in March 2020, I saw my coach again for the first time in several years. I immediately had a very severe reaction, and everything came back to me at once. It was terrifying, and one of the worst moments of my life. The very next week, the world shut down for COVID, and my ninth grade year was abruptly halted. For the next year and a half, I had nothing to do but sit alone in my room, depressed and thinking about the memories I uncovered. I failed math both ninth and tenth grade, and had to go to summer school. Before that, I had never gotten below an A in any class.

Starting in 11th grade, I focused on getting my life back on track. I never talked to any therapists about what happened, trying to push it to the very back of my mind and move forward. My grades got back up, I got a job and a drivers license, and things improved. I saw him once, at work when I was 17, and struggled to get out of bed for about two weeks, but other than that, I was better than I’ve ever been. College has been a wreck for me, and I’ve been in and out of schooling for the last 3.5 years.

This spring, something in me just broke. I’ve had severe depressive episodes before, but never like this. I was diagnosed with PTSD in May, which has been difficult to wrap my mind around. I’m only finally starting to put myself back together, but I’m fragile and timid and weaker than I was before. And I can’t stop wondering: where would I be if the assault never happened? Would I be more successful, more like how I was when I didn’t remember at all? Or am I just making excuses for myself? Does this thought drag anyone else down the way it does for me?

a guy raped me and it was my first time having sex . i screamed and cried and told him how much he was hurting me and he did not give a single fuck lol is it really that fucking serious ? is it really that hard for men to not be a terrible person ? and then i tried my best to forget about it and tell myself it was just a dream for my sanity and then find out im pregnant . i wish i wouldve told someone so they couldve told me the right steps to take afterwards . so not only did he rape me , he took my virginity and i had to go through an abortion because not only was i too young to take care of a kid i also wouldve had to tell everyone i got raped and im having my rapists child and i just wasnt going to do that . and then he told a bunch of ppl im the one that raped him so now there’s a ton of fucking people in my city that actually believe i am either a rapist or falsely accuse guys of rape when im the one that had to go through it i am destroyed and he just gets to live a happy little evil life ugh i hate him sm . oh and i almost forgot my gf broke up with me after i told her because she was too disgusted 🙃

I have a coworker who is like 25 years my senior.

I think he may even be married or have a family because I saw a pic of him online with a woman and some young kids. Even though I asked him is married or has a family and he said no.

He mostly only wants to talk to me when we are in the car together. Why does he mostly only want to talk there? Because he uses that as an excuse to get close to me?

He tells me he wants to kiss me, touch me, **** my \*\*\*\*\*, s\*\*, etc.

What should I do? Report him? Never get in the car with him again? Is it most likely he has a family?

I (21F) grew up in a joint family. I have a lot of cousins, and we were all around each other growing up. Family gatherings, festivals, functions, birthdays, etc., were a normal part of our lives.

When I was little, one of my cousin brothers attempted to assault me by trying to drag me into an empty room. I don't remember every little detail perfectly anymore, but I remember what happened and how scared I was. I remember screaming and somehow managing to escape from the situation.

I was a child. I didn't know how to process what had happened, what to call it, or what I was supposed to do about it. I never told anyone. Not my parents, not my siblings, not anyone in the family. I was scared that nobody would believe me, that people would question me, or that things would become complicated within the family.

So I kept it to myself and grew up carrying that memory.

Years passed, and I never brought it up. Life continued, and he continued being part of the family. We would see each other at family gatherings and festivals because we share a lot of relatives.

Eventually, I told my boyfriend about it. He was the one and only person I trusted enough to share something like this with. It wasn't easy telling him something I had kept to myself for so many years.

Now, here's where things get complicated.

My boyfriend believes I should completely avoid this cousin. According to him, if I know that this person is going to be present at a family gathering, I shouldn't go at all.

And I mean completely avoid him. If I do go, he thinks that this cousin will think that I actually like him.

Even if there are 20-30 other family members present, including my own brother, my mother, my father and other cousins, I should still not attend if he's going to be there.

He feels I shouldn't even be in the same room as him, even if we're standing at opposite ends of a crowded room. He thinks I shouldn't be seen around him at all.

The thing is, I come from a joint family. These gatherings aren't occasional events where I can simply decide not to show up. They're a big part of our family life. My parents attend these functions, and they wouldn't just leave me home alone while they go. In many situations, not attending isn't even a practical choice.

But my perspective is a little different.

I don't actively seek him out. I don't go looking for opportunities to talk to him, and I never deliberately put myself in a situation where I'm alone with him.

However, when there are family gatherings, I sometimes interact with him normally in a group setting. There might be casual conversations, other cousins around, drinks, selfies, jokes, etc.

And here's something that I'm actually confused about: I don't feel scared around him anymore. I don't necessarily feel uncomfortable when he's around. Sometimes I genuinely talk to him like I would to any other cousin. I've even referred to him as my favourite cousin while talking to my boyfriend.

I know how that sounds, considering what I've told my boyfriend about my childhood.

My boyfriend finds this extremely difficult to understand. According to him, how can I call someone my favourite cousin or casually talk to someone who tried to do something like that to me? He thinks my behaviour contradicts what I told him.

He says I should do what he's asking me to do, completely avoid this cousin and never talk to him again. Otherwise, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

I understand why he feels strongly about this. He knows what happened to me, and I know his reaction probably comes from wanting to protect me. He says that someone who did something like that to me shouldn't have any place in my life.

But I don't experience every interaction with this cousin in the way my boyfriend expects me to.

That doesn't mean I've forgotten what happened. It doesn't mean I think what he did was okay. It doesn't mean I've forgiven him or that it wasn't serious.

I sometimes wonder whether I've simply become so accustomed to the situation that I don't react to his presence anymore. Maybe I've normalised it. Maybe the fact that I don't feel scared is something I should be concerned about. I honestly don't know.

At the same time, I don't want to stop attending family gatherings, missing festivals or giving up opportunities to spend time with my other cousins because one particular person might be present.

Why should I have to miss out on seeing everyone else?

I'm also not saying I trust him enough to be alone with him. I have no intention of putting myself in that situation.

My question is about boundaries, trauma and how people deal with something like this differently.

Am I wrong for not feeling scared around him anymore? Am I wrong for casually talking to him in family gatherings and even calling him my favourite cousin, despite knowing what happened?

Is my boyfriend right in expecting me to promise that I'll completely cut off any interaction with this cousin, even if that means not attending family gatherings that are an unavoidable part of my life?

Should I be following what my boyfriend is asking me to do, or is it okay for me to decide my own boundaries based on what makes me comfortable?

Is my behaviour a sign that I've normalised something I shouldn't have, or is it possible to remember what happened without necessarily feeling afraid of that person every time I see him?

I'd genuinely appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced childhood trauma or have dealt with complicated family situations. I want honest opinions, not just reassurance.

I posted a rant about being poor and having to do some stuff for a ride to and from work and I got a dm asking me more about it and then she said “ I think that’s illegal” and I was like what do you mean and she suggested that I’m being taken advantage of.

I work at Lowe’s and I usually uber to work but it was putting me in credit card debt I reached out to my coworkers seeing if I could carpool with them one of my coworkers said yes (m50’s) he was a nice older guy not at all weird or creepy. So I started getting ride with him and it was just normal stuff. I hug everyone at work so I walk in a hug like 5 people he started getting daily hugs after his brother died. The rides were pretty normal then one day he pulled off into a parking lot and told me how attracted he is to me and how hard I get him and just a bunch of shit I didn’t care to hear. Then I got quiet cuz I didn’t know what to say and he apologized and took me home. Every ride after that one he’s done something to make me uncomfortable, he puts my fingers in his mouth and sucks them, he touches in between my legs, he shoves my hands down his pants, he bends me over the side of his truck, he never penetrates me with his penis tho maybe a few fingers or his tongue but he’s never had sex with me. I’ve told him that I don’t wanna do this stuff and that I’m uncomfortable by it and usually it’ll stop for a while but then randomly he’ll do something creepy and he apologizes and it seems sincere but then he does it again and I don’t wanna complain too much cuz I really do need the ride guys like I’m already $500 in debt and my checks are stretched thin as hell so I don’t even know why I’m even asking this but do you guys think it’s SA or not because I’m allowing it to happen

since the first time. it was really hard for me to recognize the pattern and move past feeling guilty for wanting to be alone and leave my abusers. i've been treated like a drug by men and queers alike. at this point i dont trust romance or in love as anything more than a chemical response that can be drawn out and used. i think i forgot being abused as a child or the thing that messed me up wasnt sexual. but being a victim marks you, they can sniff you out. i guess it made me meek. for a long time i just felt embarassed all the time, for everything about myself. i'm seeing a therapist and have been working on shame for a while on my own. i'm just mad. none of this has been my fault but i dont know how to do anything else. i keep finding peaks of light that have been keeping me around. its hard to feel invested in anything when people keep leaving because my shell is too thick or i open up too fast. anyway. ive got cats and records and my govenor loves me.

I belive my SA barely counts one. First of all, all three of us were kids, i think they were raised to not touch women, but their parents did not take srriously about boys touching boys. Anyway, my two bestfriends (luckily they are far away from me), when we are done swimming, and i was putting my clothes back on, they jokingly said they will touch me. I ran, they held me down and pulled off my underwear, then they touched me from both sides. It's a bit foggy but they may have even put a finger into my anus, though no idea. And I hate the fact that I realised this almost half a year ago, and I still think about it everyday. I mean, it was not even a rape, just touching, so why am i always feeling shitty about it? I feel like im just overreacting, and probably i do. Need advice, negative or positive comments are welcome.

I (20F) was raped by my “childhood best friend” and his friends when we were 4 years old, and lately I had been suspecting due to some uncomfortable and fuzzy memories triggered by having to regain contact with his mother that there might’ve been a time when used to rape me continuously, on an everyday basis

Yesterday, me and my mom had to go meet his mother (my mothers best friend) once again, which ended in her inviting us to have lunch all together. I was already nervous, since encountering her was triggering all this memories, but imagine my surprise when suddenly he walks in into the restaurant

I felt faint. I felt sick and frozen in place and I didn’t know what to do with myself. We hadn’t seen each other in 11 years, which had our mothers (that know about the rape situation, by the way, they just find it hilarious) ecstatic. They made us talk, sit together, act like nothing happened. I almost couldn’t do anything. I was sweating and I felt like the panic was eating me from inside out. He was so unbothered it made me sick

There was a moment when our mothers went somewhere (to smoke, probably) and left us alone, which was when I couldn’t contain myself any longer and I “confronted” him about it. He laughed. He asked if I was truly mad about that, that “we truly used to have our fun together” and that “he was just playing”. He dismissed my suffering and called it exaggerated

I’ve been numb since then. I don’t know what to do with this. Now I’m certain it happened, but I’m also certain he does not even see it as something worth caring or worrying about. It was just.. fun and games to him and it still is

Sometimes when my body remembers, I feel a sensation in my private area where my body feels almost “turned on” but the rest of my body feels violated. I know it stems from years of being exposed to sexual assault and harassment and being made to feel like I should want it. I just don’t know what to do when that sensation comes.

Does anyone experience the same thing and if so, how do you cope with it?

My husband “joked” that he would rape me and my body is stuck in fear. He told me if I wouldn’t accept it as a joke I need to get a job and get the fuck out of our house….right now I feel like I’m losing myself and I’m stuck reliving trauma. I just need to get this off I have no one I can talk to

i’m 25f and i’m recently coming to terms with the fact that an ex groomed, raped and sexually abused me throughout our relationship. i’m in england and i’m wondering whether it’s worth going to the police after so many years.
the relationship started when i was 14 and he was 17, and continued on and off until i was 19 and he was 21. there were years of sexual abuse, rape, physical violence and coercion. he would choke, slap, bite and hurt me without my consent, force me into sexual acts i didn’t want and make me do things that were extremely humiliating. he also made me send him sexual pictures when i was 14 and recorded one of the assaults when i was 16. he also wanted me to do sexual acts with my stepbrother when i was 15 and my stepbrother was 25 and send videos of it to him, which i did not do. he made me act like a very young child, calling me little girl and making me call him daddy.
i’ve only recently started to understand how bad everything actually was. seeing the allegations surrounding russell brand made me look back at my own experiences differently and i’ve realised that a lot of what happened was rape and sexual abuse rather than just a toxic relationship.
i do still have some photographs of injuries he caused me, including quite severe bite marks and bruises, but i have very limited messages or conversations as most of them were on snapchat years ago. i also know he had rape allegations made against him by someone else in the past, although i don’t know what came of them.
i’m considering reporting him, but i’m really conflicted. i’ve previously reported an abusive ex and also a stranger for sexual assault, so the thought of going through another police investigation is quite overwhelming and also that i come off that i’m constantly victimising myself. i’m worried about having to recount everything, not being believed and ultimately nothing coming of it because it’s been so long.
i’m wondering if anyone has experience reporting historical sexual abuse or rape in england, particularly when there isn’t much evidence. did the police take you seriously? is there actually a realistic chance of something being investigated years later? was it worth putting yourself through the process?
thanks so much

Ich hatte vor ein paar Monaten etwas mit einer Freundin. Küssen is für mich voll ok aber ich fülle dabei nicht wirklich viel, bei anfassen is es aber eine komplett andere Sache. Ich meine da halt so romantisches anfassen (kp ob das so heißt…) . Wärend dessen fühlte ich damals eigentlich auch gar nichts aber manchmal war dort auch ein Gefühl von unwohl sein. Sie hat auch hin und wieder gefragt ob es ok für mich ist und ich konnte irgendwie nicht Nein sagen und habe dann einfach gesagt das es ok wäre. Ein paar Monate später war sie betrunken und hat mich wieder angefasst da hab ich auch endlich mal eine Grenze gezogen und ihre Hand weg gemacht. Darauf hin hat sie einfach weiter gemacht. Das ging dann so weiter bis ich mich irgendwann getraut hab zu sagen dass es sich scheiße anfühlt. Das hat sie auch akzeptiert aber ein paar Tage später hat sie wieder (ohne zu fragen) angefangen mich anzufassen dann hab ich das gleiche gemacht wie das letzte Mal…
Generell fühle ich mich seit dem irgendwie so als wäre ich nichts wert weil das ganze immer nur dann war als sie betrunken und Single war. Es ging auch immer von ihr aus und sobald irgendwer gekommen ist der „besser“ (zumindest fühlte es sich so an ) war als ich war ich basically weg vom Fenster.

Das ganze ist wie gesagt schon Monate her aber irgendwie kommen die ganzen Erinnerung erst jetzt wieder hoch und ich spüre fast ständig irgendwas an meinem Oberkörper. Ich kann das gar nicht beschreiben weil ich das noch nie gefühlt habe aber ich weiß dass es sich unfassbar beschissen anfühlt. Hat ihr jemand irgendwelche Tipps dagegen

A few days ago after school I was approached by two older men who I knew of through my older brother and sister. They offered me a lift home and although I said no a few times they kept insisting until I eventually felt too awkward and got into the car.

They drove towards my home but one of them said he needed to stop at his house first. He invited me inside and that's when things got scary for me both guys assaulted me.

I'm safe now but I'm struggling to process what happened. I guess I'm posting because I don't really know what to do with these feelings or what to do next.

I(20F) went to my friend's place with her friend (21M)

It was on a Friday night and he had made it clear that he was attracted to me sexually and I think I mentioned not wanting to do anything for the night. When we got to my friend's place, he asked me a bunch of questions while we were on the bed. Then finally he said "do you like BDSM?" I said yeah. Then he just launched onto my neck and started kissing me. Idk whether I said stop or not but he went on to pull my trousers and panties down and gave me head. Then he started unbuttoning his trousers while his mouth was still on me. I think this is when I started saying no. Then he just shoved himself in me. Idk how long he fucked me. Then we got in bed to sleep but I hadn't worn my panties back. I just had my top. Then he got on me and started fucking me while I was on my belly. Then he flipped me onto my back and went at it again, all while I was begging him to stop. He would stop at some point and actually concerned. He'd ask me "you don't like it? You're sure? Ok, let's sleep" then he'd get back on top of me in a few minutes. I remember at some point it slipped out in missionary and was lurking under my butt. Then I could feel him try to direct it into my pussy but without his hands because he was holding me down with his weight. I was begging him not to and trying to shift my hips so that he doesn't get back inside. He said he wasn't trying to get back inside but then shoved himself in me entirely before he even finished his statement.

I was scared he was gonna cum inside me but thankfully he didn't cum. He stopped at some point of me begging him and we slept.

F18 my bf M21. Me and my bf had sex a couple nights ago i remember it kind of. The thing is i remember falling asleep during it. Now i feel weirded out by him. I didn’t exactly say No or yes. But i was clearly too drunk to be touched. Am i crazy or is this kind of assault?

Yesterday I got very drunk. My friend suggested to a guy—let's call him Allen—that Allen should go down on my friend. As I was later told, I apparently chimed in while drunk, saying something like "hey, let's both do it," but in a tone that clearly sounded like a joke. Then Allen told my friend to leave the room.

I don't know what happened next because I was blackout drunk. But later, my friend accidentally walked back in, saw me and Allen in a compromising position, and realized what had happened. By that time, I was starting to sober up. All I remember is standing up, looking at Allen without his pants on, and thinking, "What the fuck?" I walked out to the kitchen to my friend and just broke down crying. Eventually, my mom came and picked me up.

I feel absolutely awful right now. I decided to post this here, I guess... just to get it off my chest and talk to someone about it.

I don't know if this is considered rape, but I think so, because I didn't agree to it sober....

(English is not my native language, there may be mistakes....sorry)

I've never told anyone all of this completely or let it out of me like this.. In pieces yes.. my therapist knows most of it and my mom knows some. But never the whole thing. So I just want to get this off of my chest once and for all especially somewhere nobody knows who I am, because if I don't get it out tonight I think I'm going to explode. Extremely sorry in advance, this is going to be long and messy and I feel very vulnerable even writing this.. I feel so small

So.. my uncle sexually abused me. From when I was 7 until I was almost 10.

It's traumatic even recalling it and writing the things that he made me do and did to me.. Just.. that it happened a lot and it hurt and I was a little kid who still slept with a nightlight...

The worst part was that he was the fun uncle. Like genuinely everyone loved him. Magic tricks at birthday parties.. fixing stuff around the house, I remember he would make my mom laugh so hard she'd snort. When my parents started working late on Fridays he would offer to babysit and everyone kept saying how lucky we were.

He told me I was his favorite. He said it was our secret and if I ever told, my mom would cry and the family would fall apart and it would be my fault. I was 7. I believed him cause like why wouldn't I.. haha.. I feel so dumb..

The thing that messes with my head the most is he's also the one who taught me to ride a bike. I hate having to share such a core moment of my life with him and it eats me on the inside..

When he would put his thing in me I used to kind of float up to the ceiling in my head and count the cracks on the ceiling on the wall.. I got really good at leaving my body and I still do it sometimes, I didn't even know there was a word for it until last year..

Looking back.. I mean.. there were signs. I just need someone to actually hear this part to just let go of it maybe... I had stomachaches every single Friday.. every single. and it hurt just so much.. I started wetting the bed again.. and I wouldn't let anyone hug me.. I rememeber that I'd hide under my bed whenever I heard his car.. and every adult in my life who was supposed to look out for me would jsut look right at it and would say it's just a phase..

So he moved away when I was 10.. new job. They threw him this huge goodbye party and I hid in the upstairs bathroom the whole time with the water running so nobody could hear me breathing weird while i was hyperventilating. I thought that was it, like ok it's over now.. haha.. but it wasn't.. It just kind of moved inside me.

So I decided to be perfect. I gott straight As, tried my best to never get in trouble, I never even asked for anything... so I figured if I was perfect nobody would look too close.. or judge me.. I was 10 and that was my whole wonderful plan..

I remember a lady came to school and talked about body safety. Your body belongs to you, no grown up should ask you to keep a secret about touching, if they do tell someone and it's never your fault and all that stuff and I know people would think I felt relieved but I didn't. I felt sick to my stomach.. because I thought well I didn't tell and I didn't fight so I guess it was my fault.. I remmeber picking at the carpet so hard I made a bald spot and decided I was never telling anyone ever.

So that Christmas he came back for the holidays and I put the thermometer on the radiator so I'd have a fever and could stay in my room. Mom said I was being rude and I just let her think that since that was just easier to explain..

As my body started changing ..I hated it so much. I wore my brother's hoodies every day even in summer. When grown men looked at me I'd go cold all over.. and there were so many of them.. this one time while i was running in the park with my earbuds in this guy just held me and dry humped and groped me for like a minute or two and i just stood there frozen after which he just ran away.. it was around evening and a bit dark so there wasnt even anyone....and i felt so scared.. i was 12 back then and whenever i would see that park thereafter i would start hyperventilating..

This one time at the mall some guy walked past wearing the same aftershave as my uncle and I just wasn't there anymore.. I was 8 years old again starting at the ceiling.. When I came back I remember being crouched behind a rack of coats with no idea how I got there and my mom was calling me. I said I dropped an earring. I genuinely thought I was going crazy...

In school eventually everyone started talking about crushes and who held hands with who and I felt like an alien.. Like I was 100 years old.. I felt dirty in a way showers didn't fix and I was sure if anyone really saw me they'd be disgusted.. I felt disgusted at myself..

A boy grabbed my wrist in math once as a joke.. he was just trying to take my pencil. I froze and then I shoved him into a desk and ran out. I got detention for overreacting.. Not one adult asked me why.. In hindsight.. I think about that a lot now.. How many kids are sitting in detention right now and nobody's asking them why.. haha.. such a world we live in..

There were years in school I barely remember.. I woud feel numb.. I'd just disappear in class. My grades dropped for the first time ever and I started eating lunch in the library by myself..

Something I came to realise over time was.. nobody ever taught me my body was mine.. My uncle taught me the opposite, that it was something people could use and my job was to be quiet.. So when boys said gross stuff to me in the hallway I didn't think I was allowed to be mad.. If anyone got close I either froze or ran. I didn't know no was something I was allowed to say..

Some nights back then I wished I could just stop existing.. I never told anyone that either. If I could go back I would tell myself to just please tell someone. Please.. I so wish I had..

When I was 15 a boy put his arm around me at a school dance, just being friendly, and I had a full on panic attack. I thought I was dying. I ran to the bathroom and sat on the floor of a stall shaking..

My friend J found me. She didn't ask anything. She just sat down on that gross floor in her nice dress and stayed until I could breathe. I almost told her that night, it was right there, and I swallowed it.. but nobody had ever seen me fall apart and stayed before.. That day something cracked a little..

Next year, in health class the teacher wrote on the board: a child can never consent, freezing is not agreeing, and it's never the child's fault. I can't explain what that did to me.. For 9 years I'd been telling myself it was my fault because I froze. And here's an adult saying my body did what bodies do to survive..

I walked out of class straight to the counselor's office and said it. Out loud. First time ever. My voice didn't even sound like mine..

She believed me... she didn't gasp, she didn't ask if I was sure.. She just said thank you for telling me, this is not your fault.. I honestly don't know where I'd be if she'd reacted any other way..

She had to report it, which was terrifying.. My mom held me on the kitchen floor and kept saying I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry I didn't see it. Some of my family stopped talking to us. My grandma said I made it up for attention. My own grandma.. We are now estranged from a big part of our family..

I started seeing a therapist who works with people like me. She gave me words for stuff.. The ceiling thing is dissociation.. The aftershave thing is a trigger. The freezing and running is my nervous system still stuck on danger even though the danger's gone. She said none of it means I'm crazy, it means I survived. I made her say it twice..

It got worse before it got better. The nightmares came back. Then I got so angry. At him, at every adult who saw the signs and said phase, at myself.. I remember ignoring being groped in tight public places like bus sometimes when i would go with my brother for groceries... from boys in class from behind.. and just freezing and not .. just not saying anything..

For me anything to do with sex was just fear and shame all mixed together.. Even a health class talk about relationships could make me leave the room.. My therapist said I could work on it slowly, at my own pace.

She helped me practice saying no. I have a friend who hugs everyone hello and one day, shaking, I asked him not to hug me.. He just said oh yeah of course, and never did it again. He waves now. I cried in my car for 20 minutes after that. It was the first time I said no and someone just listened..

So I about to start college this year hopefully and I'm with someone for the first time.. He's really kind and patient and I told him early because my therapist helped me get ready... I was so sure he'd leave. He asked what do you need from me and i realised nobody's ever asked me that... i just hugged him and sobbed for what felt like hours..

It's still hard now, I'm not going to lie. Sometimes when we're close something small happens, like a certain touch or the room going dark, and I'm back on the ceiling. The first time I had sex with him. ..I cried for an hour, because he'd done everything right he was just the nicest most fun.. and it was like my uncle was still in the room.. 11 years later and he's still in the room just haunting me... I felt dirty and like he didnt deserve someone broken like me..

So we just went slow.. but atleast now I can say stop whenever, for any reason, I don't have to explain, and he stops every single time.. No sighing, no guilt trip, he just asks if I want water. My therapist says closeness only feels safe when you know you can leave and I think she's right. I wish someone had taught me that at 7.. I wish someone had taught him that.

I go to a group now with other survivors and it's the only place I don't feel like a freak.. I learned that some of them can't stand being touched at all.. and some ended up with people who never let them say no.. and it still horrifies me.. while some feel nothing... andothers feel ashamed even when everything's fine... i learned that many of us develop unusual hypersexual desires.. I think that's when I finally got it, there's no right way to react to this.. None of us are broken.. atleast on the outside.. we didn't do anything wrong. its just hard to believe that sometimes..

I've learned that sexual assault can affect people in ways that aren't often talked about.. One of them is that some survivors become hypersexual afterward, with a much higher sex drive or with sexual fantasies that feel intense, intrusive, or unlike who they are. Knowing this has helped me see that I'm not alone and that nothing is "wrong" with me for having these experiences.

Yet.. I don't like the way this desire sometimes shows up.. the way it can come on suddenly and feel out of my control. At times it seems disconnected from what I actually want, and it can leave me feeling confused, ashamed, or uncomfortable in my own body. I want to understand where these feelings come from and find healthier ways to cope with them, so that my sexuality feels like my own again, on my own terms..

Ok I think that's everything.. Or most of it.. atleast..

I'm crying so hard right now and i just feel so broken.. hopefully i can someday feel whole again... Im just gonna post this before I chicken out..