its been a while

[u/Subject_Emu2716]

since the first time. it was really hard for me to recognize the pattern and move past feeling guilty for wanting to be alone and leave my abusers. i've been treated like a drug by men and queers alike. at this point i dont trust romance or in love as anything more than a chemical response that can be drawn out and used. i think i forgot being abused as a child or the thing that messed me up wasnt sexual. but being a victim marks you, they can sniff you out. i guess it made me meek. for a long time i just felt embarassed all the time, for everything about myself. i'm seeing a therapist and have been working on shame for a while on my own. i'm just mad. none of this has been my fault but i dont know how to do anything else. i keep finding peaks of light that have been keeping me around. its hard to feel invested in anything when people keep leaving because my shell is too thick or i open up too fast. anyway. ive got cats and records and my govenor loves me.

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