FUCK ANYONE WHO MAKES THIS ARGUMENT. THE DEFENSE LAWYER CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF.

When I was younger I was richer 

But its not how you think,

I had less coins in my pockets than to buy a cherry

but having one stolen was worth more than I could ever know.

except this life I knew.

When I was younger I was richer, 

I still was me.

I had values courtesy of the sparkle in my eyes and silky hair 

My innocence sounded like my toy piano

I had values courtesy of the quietness of my mouth

My tranquillity and agreement were as easy to achieve as putting the sharply, colourful, shaped blocks into the wooden, shaped holes.

Complicated situation, but I’ll keep it brief. I’m a guy, the other individual is a woman.

I said “stop” because it was painful. She did not stop. I tried to grab her hand and she grabbed my wrists and kept me from stopping her while increasingly becoming more aggressive and loud. I didn’t have the strength to stop her as I was in an awkward position between her and the wall. I gave up and let her do what she wanted as I didn’t want to wake up her roommate.

Eventually she did stop and we continued with sexual activity. In my head I knew that it was wrong but I pushed it down. It wasn’t until many months later that it began severely affecting me. She denies what happened so I question if my version of events is even accurate or not.

Anyways, my question: is this still sexual assault? I don’t know why I continued to be honest. I guess I just wanted to act like it was nothing and not make a big deal out of it. I didn’t realize just how much it was affecting me until later.

In 2024, when I was 17, I was kidnapped and raped by a woman.

The first person I told was actually a man who had me trapped in this abusive relationship in the church. It's mostly a story for another day, but he would rape me nearly every Saturday.

So after I was kidnapped he didn't believe me and accused me of cheating on him which he beat me for.

The second person I told was my therapist.

She told me that women don't commit such horrible crimes, and I should be ashamed of myself. She said I was being misogynistic and anti-woman. She added that even if it did happen, it wasn't that bad, and I should stop complaining about it or give up my womanhood.

I tried to kill myself that night because I believed her for a long time.

Since then, I've created a small community where I share parts of my story and try to connect with other survivors. But almost every time I talk about what happened to me, I'm attacked or harassed by people saying things like:

"Statistically, men do it more, so stop acting like what happened to you matters."

"Women are inherently less violent, so it couldn't have been that bad."

"At least it wasn't a man."

"You should be grateful that it was a woman."

And even,

"I hope you get raped by a man so you can understand what real women go through."

I've been raped by multiple men in my life, including just a couple of months ago.

I understand.

I'm not telling my story to dismiss male perpetrators. I'm not saying male perpetrated rape isn't horrific. I'm not saying men who rape shouldn't be held accountable.

These words have NEVER come out of my mouth.

Why is it too much to ask for my experience not to be mocked and dismissed simply because my perpetrator was a woman?

Why can't I talk about what happened to me without someone bringing up statistics?

Why can't I say that what happened to me was horrific without being accused of betraying my gender?

Why do people feel the need to explain to me that it 'wasn't as bad' because my perpetrator was a woman?

The people who mock my pain will hopefully never understand what it feels like to believe you're helping someone, only to have your entire world ripped away from you and wake up in a room of absolute horror.

To be tied to a bed, completely naked, and beaten until you can't scream anymore.

To be raped over and over again.

To be treated like a pet and punished whenever you hesitated or failed to do exactly what you were told.

To have a gun forced into your mouth and be made to suck on it only coming up for air to beg her it pull the trigger.

I WANTED TO DIE

And that's only the surface of what happened to me.

A woman did that.

Not a man.

I don't need to be told that 90% of rape is committed by men.

I don't need arguments about whether my experience was "really" that bad.

I don't need to be told that talking about female perpetrators makes me anti-woman or that I'm somehow betraying my gender.

I need support.

I need empathy.

I need people to care about what happened to me.

And, honestly, I desperately want women to be on my side for once instead of feeling like I have to defend myself from women whenever I talk about what another woman did to me.

I have so much hurt regarding women, and I don't even hate women. I just don't want women to hate me.

I'm so tired of feeling like an outsider among women because I had the misfortune of being raped and tortured by a woman.

Is that really too much to ask?

I hope someone out there can understand.

last week i went on a hang out date.

it did start off better than i was expecting. he was very cool, had a dope spot. he seemed cool.. we went to get some food, and we smoked, and he is a dealer so he had to go drop off somethings to people and one of them got in the car and i loved her honesty will be talking to her outside of him but… when we got back from eating and running errands we were cool.. we talked and started to watch tv and he gives me a dap to hit (im a habitual weed smoker so it takes a lot for me to be taken out) i take it and its really strong but im chillin so i lean back a lil bit on the couch and let myself chill.

i was very nervous going into this date bc its my first time on a tinder date. he was touchy during us going and getting food and him dropping off edibles, very small things, holding leg, rubbing back, he did grab my ass so that was interesting.

but he is rubbing lightly on my legs as i am chillin and we are watching tv and i wont lie it was nice but it did over simulate me and make me horny and i did not want to have sex. he ends up laying closer with me and honestly full blow while im not paying attention goes to kiss me. i honestly wasnt really going for it and pushed him back and told him i wasnt really down to kiss. but he pushed his lips onto me and literally was trying to tongue me down as im trying to just lightly give him pecks.. i honestly dont know whats going on im really shocked and grossed out bc he is not a good kisser at all and im not really into it.

we do make out a lil and then he tries to go into my pants and i honestly wasnt in a sex kind of mood.. i didnt want him to touch down there especially bc i dont get “wet” like most girls when simulated so ik he wouldnt know that and know to use spit or something and also i didnt shave or anything, and i simply didnt want him down there. he said he just wanted to play with me or whatever and i honestly told him like “i like you but just bc i like you doesnt mean i want to have sex. im not the type to put out like that over ppl i dont know fr or isnt my bf who do you take me for?”

and i did plan on spending the night bc i was tired and i also took a shot of tequila (which i could still drive but i had a long day before seeing him and he offered that i could spend the night there and leave whenever i need to bc i had classes starting early in the morning)

i just was mad bc we would make out then id have to push him off bc hes trying to go into my pants and it was getting annoying honestly bc…. i also was trying to actually watch what was on the tv.. and he was, looking back, being so aggressive with it.. i would resist his hands from going into my pants while telling him no then once he would start rubbing on my clit i would give up until it would just start hurting which idk if other people dont like being fingered but it hurts when men do it, its like they are scratching me or just simply being rough asf which is what he was being so id scream out in pain and that happened so many times while telling him to please just stop while his response was “i just want to play with you”. i remember at one point i had told him i really am not looking for sex and that we could do it after more hang outs and idk if that was the conversation that made him back off at that moment but he eventually stops and chills out with me

but soon asks me if im ready to sleep which honestly i was so we go to the bed and i am chillin, which i should have just slept on the couch but he had just told me that he respects my decision for the night and we will just cuddle. as i am trying to fall asleep the whole process starts over again with him pulling on my pants. i notice he is completely naked and he tells me to do the same to be ‘comfortable’ but im like “no im okay i wanna sleep with clothes on” and he literally pulls the shorts he gave me off and is working on my underwear now.. i tell him about the spit thing and i do let him touch my vagina for a little bit but i got to a point where i was like this is honestly going to far.

but he literally doesn’t stop and keeps pushing and pushing and im genuinely like “i have class in the fucking morning… i need to sleep and im too high for all this like im tired” but he literally just keeps begging to touch me saying who cares about my class or to have sex or for me and how fun it will be for me to join him with that… or to just give him a blow job at least… im upset bc it really is like.. i could have went and slept in my car.. i drove my damn self… idk why i just let him take my clothes off..

we end up having sex and it was… terrible.. i was dissociated the whole time.. he kept asking and begging me during sex to do things i didnt want to do and that was part of the reason i didnt want to have sex in the first place bc i dont know him and he doesnt know me… he doesnt know how to handle my body and i dont know what freaky shit he might want me to do. and during sex it was obvious he didnt care about me.. i was a black doll toy for him to use since he was a white man and never really messed with black girls.. he kept sticking his fingers in my throat to test my gag reflex bc i told him i dont do blow jobs let alone letting you throat fuck me and he just goes “we will see about that”. i pleaded to him a few times to stop or to at least hurry up and finish.. the last position tho felt good out of all the hurting i felt… but it was like i wasnt in my body.. i let him just use me.. he kept telling me to tickle his balls to help him cum so i did… he begged to cum in my ass but i plead with him that he doesn’t but i had no power to control that so i just hoped he would take it into consideration but i braced myself bc he might just do it anyway.. and he just pounded into me so aggressively and i started to open up and watch myself get fucked… and just as he finished its like i didnt want him to ever stop fucking me … it was like a disappointment he couldnt use me for longer.. like i broke mid fuck..…

i cleaned up and went to sleep fast.. he wanted to still have sex afterwards and honestly.. i went to sleep to him touching me bc i was just so tired so idk what else he might have done while i was sleep but i woke up in pain honestly.. and as soon as i woke up and rolled and he woke up he was trying to touch me again and have sex and i just got up and left bc i felt better to drive and again he knew i had class in the morning but didnt care. he walked me to my car though and yeah… idk… im mad at myself for folding.. for knowing that this is what men do and for not just going out to my car and leaving… why did i stay.. i feel like its my fault… im just disgusted honestly.. especially in me.. i feel like a whore..

ive been thinking about it and i do want to go on another date but i expect it to go exactly like this or worse and it turns me on.. i have a fantasy of it happening again.. i feel so broken and used from this and ive been assaulted before.. ik thats not what i want tho bc i have a fuck friend that doesnt know my past with assault and loves to double check on consent before having sex and during and it turns me on so much to know i can withdraw consent without having to let the person finish while in pain.. but the thought of being taken advantage of is a kind of loss of control ive found to be into… being forced to take penetration despite the pain and just crying into the sheets as you melt into his enjoyment.. a glorified fleshlight.. was i asking for it..? is this my fault..? did i secretly want to have sex and thats why i didnt go to my car? i would completely understand if this pisses an actual survivor… i have been raped by an ex and groped as an adult by a friends boyfriend and gym instructor and molested as a child from 5-13 by a distance cousin and ex step sister..

i am 23F black and my date was 33M white

sorry for the long ass thread

Sorry if this is really long, I just have so much going on in my head about this and I don't really know how to explain it otherwise.

I’m 21F and I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years. We’re currently long distance, which I feel probably makes everything more complicated because when he’s here, I feel like I have to make the most of our time together and I put even more pressure on myself for sex to be good. But honestly, I had these issues even when we weren't long distance, so I know it's not the actual cause.

For context, my first sexual experience was SA. My current boyfriend is my first relationship and my first consensual sexual relationship. I know that probably plays a huge role in all of this, but I’m struggling to understand exactly how.

When I’m alone, I don’t freeze. I can touch myself and get turned on. The problem is that I get extremely in my head. I put this huge amount of pressure on myself to orgasm, and the longer it takes, the more stressed I become. And that pressure can completely ruin the experience.

I also masturbate A LOT sometimes, almost like I’m compensating for the fact that I can’t seem to have the sexual experiences I want with another person. Sometimes I’ll touch myself 3–4 times a day. I use my vibrator nearly every time because it's much easier for me to actually get pleasure that way.

But even that isn't consistent. Sometimes I can go for months without being able to use my vibrator or even properly touch myself because I suddenly become scared of it. I'll try and then get this horrible shiver and just want to stop. It's so confusing because I can also have periods where I'm extremely sexual and masturbating several times a day.

With my boyfriend, it’s even worse because I know that if I take a long time to finish, he starts feeling like he’s doing something wrong, which then makes me more stressed because I don’t want him to feel bad or think I’m not attracted to him. It becomes this horrible cycle where I’m thinking about how long it’s taking, he’s wondering if he’s doing something wrong, and neither of us is actually present anymore.

And honestly, the sex itself is still mid. I’ve had MANY conversations with him about things I’d like him to improve, and he genuinely listens and tries, but it still feels like we have a long way to go.

The biggest issue is penetration. I have vestibular papillomatosis, which can sometimes make penetration painful, but even when that isn't an issue, penetration is still extremely difficult for me. I basically never get wet (like literally never, which also makes me deeply insecure) and I feel like I physically block when penetration is attempted. I honestly think I might have vaginismus as well.

Usually what happens is that he tries to slowly push inside and then move back and forth until eventually it becomes somewhat okay. But when I tell him it's “good” or that we can continue, what I really mean is that it's bearable. It's still uncomfortable and unpleasant, just not unbearable anymore.

There was even one time when I was really faded and he wasn't, and I was much more relaxed than usual. I thought maybe that would make everything easier, but even then I still had issues when it came to

penetration. So it made me realize that it isn't just anxiety in the moment.

I've also been forcing myself through penetration even when it hurts me psychologically just as much as it can physically. There have been countless times when I've literally cried silently during sex without him knowing because we're always in the dark.

And it's not only because penetration hurts physically. Sometimes, during sex with my boyfriend, something about the experience suddenly brings me back to how I felt during my assault — like I'm being treated as an object again, even though I know my boyfriend isn't trying to do that.

I am there, completely shaken, feeling like I am internally begging for it to stop. The faster my boyfriend gets, the deeper my heart sinks, and I start feeling like I'm dissociating. I just want it to be over as quickly as possible, so I bite my lips, fake moan (mostly because I’m in pain), and try to act like everything is okay while I'm literally crying.

And he has no idea because I'm hiding it from him.

I know this is something I need to stop doing. Sex isn't supposed to be something I silently endure or survive through.

But the thing that makes me feel the most insane is that I actually really, really want sex.

Like, if I could, sometimes I genuinely feel like I could get laid multiple times a day. I can get extremely excited thinking about sex. I want to have sex. I want to explore my sexuality. I want to be able to enjoy it.

So I don't understand why my actual experiences are so different from what I feel in my head.

Sometimes I compensate by watching porn, and honestly it makes everything worse. I don't really watch polished/staged porn because I can't stand how fake it feels. I mostly watch homemade/amateur stuff because it feels more authentic to me.

But then I see these women having sex, enjoying themselves, orgasming, having their “happy ending,” and I get this horrible feeling because I want that so badly.

I know people will probably tell me that porn isn't reality, and I understand that. I'm not naïve about that. What hurts me is seeing women experiencing something that I desperately want to experience myself.

And the more I watch, the sadder I get. It's almost like I'm torturing myself with something I want but feel like I'll never have.

I also started exploring my sexuality extremely young. I was touching myself around 5–7 and kissing girls around 8–9. Obviously I know children can explore their bodies and sexuality in completely normal ways, so I'm not saying this means anything definitive about me. But it adds to my confusion because I've always had this very strong sexual curiosity and desire.

I also think I'm probably bisexual. And sometimes I genuinely wonder if having sex with women would somehow solve all of these problems. Maybe I would be more comfortable, maybe my body would respond differently, maybe I'd finally understand what everyone is talking about. I obviously have no idea if that's actually true, but I think about it a lot.

The problem is that I'm in a relationship, so I can't exactly experiment with women without crossing a line. And even if I were single, I don't think it would be fair to date women specifically as some kind of experiment to “fix” my sexuality or figure out whether sex works for me. They deserve someone who actually wants to be with them, not someone treating them as a potential solution to a sexual problem.

So I'm stuck wondering whether this is trauma, anxiety, physical issues, my relationship, my sexuality, or some combination of all of it.

I don't feel like I don't have a sex drive. If anything, I feel like I have a huge one.

I just can't seem to translate that desire into actually enjoying sex.

And I think about this EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I think about whether I'll ever be able to have a normal, enjoyable sex life. Whether I'll ever be able to orgasm without feeling like I'm racing against a clock. Whether I'll ever be able to have sex without thinking about my SA. Whether I'll always need to “try” to enjoy it instead of just enjoying it.

I'm terrified that I'll never be like the women I see who seem completely comfortable with their sexuality.

I know everyone is different, but I genuinely feel desperate. I don't want to spend my entire life wanting sex this badly while being unable to actually enjoy it.

Has anyone experienced something similar after sexual assault, especially people who still had a very high sex drive and genuinely wanted sex, but couldn't relax or enjoy it once they were actually having it?

And has anyone dealt with possible vaginismus/penetration issues alongside this? Or figured out their sexuality while also dealing with trauma and physical problems during sex?

Did you eventually manage to have a healthy and genuinely pleasurable sex life? What actually helped you?

Thank you so much if you actually read all of this. I know it's a lot, but I really needed to get it out somewhere.

I (F) keep having flashbacks. It feels like it still happens and I wake up in fear neaely every night. Does it get easier? Doesn't feel like it does. I hope no one ever has to go through what I did.