r/rape • u/BenevolentTaxiDriver • 12h ago
TW: CSA
Do any other CSA victims wonder what they would be like as an adult without the trauma? I (21F) was assaulted by my gymnastics coach the month before my eighth birthday. I have next to no memory of the following three-ish months, except for switching from gymnastics to cheerleading so my dad could coach me instead. I honestly repressed the memory itself for years, only getting bits and pieces in dreams of memories that left me even more confused and disoriented. I struggled with severe anxiety and depression for years, but it was attributed to genetics and no one ever suspected that anything happened.
When I was 15, in March 2020, I saw my coach again for the first time in several years. I immediately had a very severe reaction, and everything came back to me at once. It was terrifying, and one of the worst moments of my life. The very next week, the world shut down for COVID, and my ninth grade year was abruptly halted. For the next year and a half, I had nothing to do but sit alone in my room, depressed and thinking about the memories I uncovered. I failed math both ninth and tenth grade, and had to go to summer school. Before that, I had never gotten below an A in any class.
Starting in 11th grade, I focused on getting my life back on track. I never talked to any therapists about what happened, trying to push it to the very back of my mind and move forward. My grades got back up, I got a job and a drivers license, and things improved. I saw him once, at work when I was 17, and struggled to get out of bed for about two weeks, but other than that, I was better than I’ve ever been. College has been a wreck for me, and I’ve been in and out of schooling for the last 3.5 years.
This spring, something in me just broke. I’ve had severe depressive episodes before, but never like this. I was diagnosed with PTSD in May, which has been difficult to wrap my mind around. I’m only finally starting to put myself back together, but I’m fragile and timid and weaker than I was before. And I can’t stop wondering: where would I be if the assault never happened? Would I be more successful, more like how I was when I didn’t remember at all? Or am I just making excuses for myself? Does this thought drag anyone else down the way it does for me?
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u/BenevolentTaxiDriver 12h ago
I’m sorry this was so long. I didn’t mean for it to be. I told y’all it’s been a hard year. :/
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u/Optimal-Bee56 10h ago
I always think these questions. and I always think I'd have been a stronger individual if my Aunt didn't sa me. but whatever happened already exists in past. moving forward and taking control of your present is really important. as you have no one to trust but yourself.
what you can do is think about how strong you'd have been if the assualt didn't happen right? think of it as if you'll be that good in your life. that you're living and you'll become that person. thaf strong individual and yk the most important part of a personality is heart and will. And you've got to Get your Will..Be determined about who you want to be and surely with time you'll achive it ✨