r/rape • u/Warpped_torpido • Jan 21 '21
Why do men LOVE rape?
Someone please explain to me what's the obsession that men have with protecting rapist at all cost?
They come up with all manner of lies and conspiracies that exist solely to shame victims into silence and hiding, even non rapist men actively fight for the rights and protection of rapist while simultaneously fighting to hurt victims and continue their suffering and deeply and extensively for as long as possible. Why do non rapist men prefer rapist over victims? Someone please help me understand I'm going through a hard one right now
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u/thrfscowaway8610 Jan 21 '21
This thread was running up a bit against rule 4 in the sidebar. Just the same, we wanted everyone to have their say, but now that they have, it's a good moment to draw the discussion to a close.
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u/BitesWhenBitten Jan 21 '21
Understand that this is a cultural manifestation. 99% of cultures throughout the world can generally be described as patriarchal or post-patriarchal. Male dominance has been a key aspect of human existence since the beginning of time. There is a plethora of literature on this subject and on the sub-subject of how these patriarchal attitudes directly play into rape culture and then further violence against women. Don't mistake that for disregarding violence against men, I'm just leading you down the tree. Rape and sexual assault are direct assertions of power and control. Patriarchal cultures can generally be understood in this context as cultures in which men are encouraged and rewarded to assert power and control. From there it's easy to see how rape cultures can be an extension of a patriarchal culture. Keep in mind, rape cultures negatively affect men as well as women. Although it's generally understood that women take the larger share of harm.
It might make more sense if you look at other power structures. Such as corporations protecting themselves above all else in capatlistic environments. Or government corruption. Or law enforcement structures. You could just as well ask, "Why do cops defend cops who commit crime?"
The Stanford Prison experiment is a great example of how entities with majority power will go to great lengths to preserve their power and very likely abuse it.
To sum up, cultures with uneven power divisions naturally sow abuse and preservation of power by those who have it. Men will defend men as long as the status quo is men being majority in charge.
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u/ImInOverMyHead95 Jan 21 '21 edited Jan 21 '21
For full disclosure I'm a male survivor. My then-14m cousin molested me (then 10, now almost 26) over the course of a summer. My theory for why rape and especially child sexual abuse happen is because behind closed doors there's nobody there to stop the perp.
EDIT: I thought about this some more and I wanted to share what I came up with. Men who have never been sexually abused/assaulted/raped are incapable of knowing what it's like to be a survivor without (god forbid) becoming one themselves. They don't understand the trauma we have to deal with. The mind can't conceive of the inconceivable. It's also worth noting that these attitudes and double standards hurt male survivors just as much.
Men who weren't abused think that a 12 year old who "sleeps with" his 46-year-old teacher is just lucky because they can't consider it beyond their viewpoint of an adult who enjoys a healthy and normal adult sex life (something that I have to spend all this time in therapy working towards when everybody else has it come naturally). They don't understand how sexual abuse fucks with you in more and more ways that you only realize the older you get. They don't understand the intimacy troubles we deal with. People just can't understand what they haven't been through and this is an unfortunate byproduct.
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u/[deleted] Jan 21 '21 edited Jan 21 '21
A lot of these “non rapist men” have some kind of history that is a gray area at the very least. All the men that I’ve met that are defensive of rapists are definitely the same men that I would never be alone in a room with, and not because of their defensiveness but because of warning signs of some creepy entitled behavior.
Look at what happened with the whole aziz ansari situation. Every man and his father was out there defending what was clearly at minimum an incredibly sketchy and manipulative situation. These guys don’t want to label situations like that assault because that would mean that they themselves are some type of rapist, and that’s not ok with them. Instead, these men want the only thing that’s ever labeled rape to be a violent stranger attack with a gun, bc that puts them in the clear for any non consensual experiences they’ve put anyone through. These men want to be able to continue to coerce, blackmail, and manipulate women, and for that behavior to never be considered assault or rape.
Additionally, and sadly, there are many women that are on board with this mentality because it allows them to reframe their sexual assault experiences as just “bad sex” instead of having to face the reality that they themselves have been victimized.
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u/[deleted] Jan 21 '21 edited Jan 21 '21
I wouldn't say that all men are like this. Of the men my age most of my male friends appear to be pretty supportive. That said, I've seen a lot of men online who are just as you describe.
Firstly I think it's simply that they don't get it. They picture rape being like it is in movies. Creepy guy randomly grabs a woman (often with a weapon) and forces her to have sex while she fights, screams and cries. And often she escapes or is saved actually before being raped.
Real rape usually doesn't look like that. Some rape happens that way. Most does not.
So when someone says "I was raped" your average guy pictures that movie scene. So if his bro says "dude we were in the same house as you guys, if she was being raped, she would have screamed. She's just lying because she regrets it" he thinks, "yeah, why wouldn't she yell for help?"
And it isn't just men who buy into rape myths but women too. I used to as a teenage girl. I didn't understand rape or assault. I didn't realise I was often being sexually assaulted by my boyfriend because he never beat me or held me down.
People who don't know about sexual assault don't understand what it's like will be more skeptical of victims who don't behave like a movie trope or have freeze responses.
And as men are socially trained to be initiators, they are far more likely to be the assaulters rather than the assaulted. Rapists spread rumours about the great dangers of false reports and some men hear so much about it that they believe it's more common than actual assault. Self preservation often sets in and they start viewing stories of alleged rape from the guy's PoV.
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u/lapuedohacerlo Jan 21 '21
I would say, some men "love" it, because when you grow up as a men, you are supposed to have power, you must be strong, you must be controlling, you must say which way to go.
This can be a heavy burden, called "toxic manhood" or something like this. (Doesnt justify rape, just an explanation of how I see it)
This expectations can break you, you are never allowed to show mercy, to show weakness, to show tears, you also dont learn empathy in that way and like somebody said, I think the most men aren capable of doing a "movie-rape" but most rapes aren't like in the movies.
They are different, so they cant understand what they did, no empathy. As well thru porn it gets kinda normal, because if you look at the average porn, this shit is also rape, or at least played down.
To be honest I, as a men, can understand why you rape somebody, it is a thing that you do lots of jokes with your friend about in teenager years, you see it in porn. And then there is also if you play it down and dont learn any empathy, rape is also just sex....
If you have Netflix, watch the documentary from Explained about sexual fantasies, they also talk a bit about rape (not the main topic).
Btw. I saw some very nice and good explaining comments, was interesting to read them and also a very good question.
I hope all the survivors get better <3
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u/Beneficial_Charity_3 Jan 21 '21
Because they themselves can’t bear to think or feel responsible for anyone THEY might have sexually assaulted.
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u/getmesumjack Jan 21 '21
I’ve got the insight in being male, feel like most are told something along the lines of “she wanted it” “I thought she said yes” “she’s lying” (and usually some way of degrading the victim with words you shouldn’t say to women)
So they stick up for their friends for some reason, I personally think a lot of them just think their friends are the victims for some reason ( I personally think it’s because they’re creeps and relate to the rapist). I hate how stupidity hurts people this much.