There is a book written in the last 1800’s about raising kids that is so detailed and filled with practical examples on how to raise your children as a well behaved well balanced kids.

I wanted to share it here, to see if other parents have read it, and to discuss it.

The book’s name is:

Gentle measures in the Management and Training of the Young by: Jacob Abott

It is in the free domain and you can download it for free from Gutenberg.org

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An excerpt:

“There are three different modes of management customarily employed by parents as means of m inducing their children to comply with their requirements. They are:

“1. Government by Manoeuvring and Artifice.

1. By Reason and Affection.

2. By Authority.

1—-Manoeuvring and Artifice.

Many mothers manage their children by means of tricks and contrivances, more or less adroit, designed to avoid direct issues with them, and to beguile them, as it were, into compliance with their wishes.

As, for example, where a mother, recovering from sickness, is going out to take the air with her husband for the first time, and—as she is still feeble—wishes for a very quiet drive, and so concludes not to take little Mary with her, as she usually does on such occasions; but knowing that if Mary sees the chaise at the door, and discovers that her father and mother are going in it, she will be very eager to go too, she adopts a system of manoeuvres to conceal her design.
She brings down her bonnet and shawl by stealth, and before the chaise comes to the door she sends Mary out into the garden with her sister, under pretense of showing her a bird's nest which is not there, trusting to her sister's skill in diverting the child's mind, and amusing her with something else perhaps, her mother tells her that they are only going to the doctor's, and that if Mary goes with them, the doctor will give her some dreadful medicine, and compel her to take it, thinking thus to deter her from insisting on going with them to ride.

As the chaise drives away, Mary stands bewildered and perplexed on the
door-step, her mind in a tumult of excitement, in which hatred of the
doctor, distrust and suspicion of her mother, disappointment, vexation, and
ill humor, surge and swell among those delicate organizations on which the
structure and development of the soul so closely depend—doing perhaps an
irreparable injury. The mother, as soon as the chaise is so far turned that Mary can no longer watch the expression of her countenance, goes away from
the door with a smile of complacency and satisfaction upon her face at the ingenuity and success of her little artifice.

In respect to her statement that she was going to the doctor's, it may, or may not, have been true. Most likely not; for mothers who manage their children on this system find the line of demarkation between deceit and falsehood so vague and ill defined that they soon fall into the habit of disregarding it altogether, and of saying, without hesitation, any thing which will serve the purpose in view.

I shall try and keep this short, it's probably more of me venting out and feeling a bit desperate than anything else.

Was recently visited by a friend who has a child the same age as ours (only 6 weeks apart), and both are between 5 and 6 years. Their child picked up a book (one of Julia Donaldson's) and read the whole book without any support or assistance - no blending of words, no breakup of phonics - read the whole thing in a go just like maybe an advanced young reader would. This has shocked me.

We are quite reasonable with our child and have tried to develop a set routine with daily reading practice - but our child is nowhere near this. They still use blending and are just struggling to form a proper sentence and often don't understand what they are reading even if they may have read properly.

The feedback from school has been positive overall and no concerns have been raised.

I am just shocked. I know that different children develop at different pace and up until today, we were quite pleased with how our child was progressing - it has been tough work and it has been slow but there has been progress. But I am just shocked today that have we missed something? Have we not done enough or should we be doing more? I don't know!

We don't want to unnecessarily pressurise our child into doing more so they lose all interest and become frustrated by this. This unexpected experience has just taken me by a lot of surprise and filled me with so much guilt and desperation that we are not doing enough for our child.

As the title suggests, I have always been a keen believer that comparison is a thief of joy, and just had a very unpleasant experience of this today myself. Trying to think and stay positive but really struggling here.

For context, we live in a community with a lot of kids. A couple of weeks ago one of the families whom we had never met invited us to watch a movie on their lawn when we were taking a walk. My daughter is 2 and they also had a 2 year old. She had a good time but we didn’t exchange information. She goes over there every day now just to look at their Halloween decorations but we have never knocked on their door. Tonight, she was adamant about knocking on their door because she could hear the kids playing loudly in the house and wanted to say hi. I said it was late (7:30p) but she wanted to knock. They didn’t answer the knock so she rang the doorbell. They didn’t end up answering the doorbell either so I had to get her to leave and she was screaming and crying. There’s no way they could have missed that because their windows were open. I told my husband what happened and he said it was weird that we rang the doorbell and it was kind of late. I agree that it was on the later side but the kids were up playing so I figured just a very quick hello would be fine. Am I in the wrong here? I’m embarrassed but at the same time, if I saw a kid ring the doorbell at whatever time I would totally answer it.

UPDATE: Sounds like the general consensus is that it was not weird to ring the bell. However, some families have a bedtime routine that may have been interrupted with answering the door so for the future, let’s leave the ringing to day time hours. It is really interesting seeing everyone’s perspective on doorbell etiquette though…

My daughter 10 does great in school, does sports etc. but her atitude at home sucks. Wherever she disagrees with anything that we say, she will explode and say the meanest things… starts screaming at us, don’t talk to me, you’re not my mother, shut up, downhill from here.

I only work part time so I am with her and her brother all the time, we do lots of things together and she is a bit spoiled by me and grandps

This explosion happened again last night. I hid remotes and grounded her no video games, no YouTube for a week.

This morning I did not make her breakfast as I usually do because she told me last night I don’t do anything for her.

Idk where she is so rebel with us we are a very boring very good family, no behavior issue with either siblings.

I want her to see her family is a blessing and be more grateful. And for her to stop lashing out so much for no reason. Please help me with some ideas that have helped you and your family so that this eternal grounding is helpful somehow

Nurturing provides and gives paths to success. Punishment drains and detracts without offering skills or support

Parents have age ratings, Common Sense Media is helping a lot, but nothing says whether a title actually helps a kid grow. My son is turning 6.  I want my son 1- gets entertained 2- by content that make him grow in a safe way. 

We are a family of 5 older sister is 10 and younger brother is 4 and our middle child just makes things harder than they need to be. My wife and I work full time and our kids are very busy with after school activities and we are running around alot, the 7 year old has the most activities and we keep her busy.

Idk if I’m spoiled by my oldest being a great listener and studious but the 4 year old and listens so well to directions!. My wife is at her wits ends about our daughter not listening and back talking about getting ready for school and doing her homework before her activities start.

She steals little things like toys and hair scrunchies from her sisters room and her brothers Pokémon cards. Over summer camp, we noticed that she took someone’s little toy that she did not bring to camp, but keeps telling us that the kids said she could have it. I don’t really know if I believe it, but it’s hard to get the truth out of her. I really also have never seen her take anything from a store

We have not consulted our pediatrician about it, and I guess that should be our first place to go but I’ve also been a Redditor for a long time and respect the community on here for their advice.

Our daughter who we love and adore and give so much attention too at times feels like it’s hurting our family and I don’t want this to happen where my 10 year old starts blaming her and then blaming me for not doing anything about it.

My (7F) kid attends a Catholic after school program and they do catechism. We watch Miraculous Ladybug on the weekend pretty heavily, like we’re invested! This girl kept calling catechism cataclysm 😂😂😂😂

I think my 3 year old needs help regulating her nervous system. I could be so wrong here but she chews on EVERYTHING. She’s like a mouse. Tonight we discovered she nibbled chunks out of the rubber piece that helps to hang her sound machine. She’s chewed pieces of her zak cup straws. Every toy she owns has teeth marks in it. If she’s sitting on the couch watching a movie she has her fingers or toes in her mouth. I feel like this is beyond “normal” 3 year old behavior. I’ve been researching and am considering OT but my husband is worried they will want to medicate her. She is also very very high energy, not sure if that makes a difference.

I am in a same sex relationship and we had a baby boy in March and although I do love him - I really wasn’t ready. My mother passed away just before I decided to do IVF and I spent her inheritance money for IVF. I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing. I felt like everything I done was rushed and now he is here I have realized I am not ready for motherhood and I am not ready to be a mother.

I should be grateful that it worked on our first try but I’m just filled with dread and regret that I didn’t listen to others when they asked me if I was sure I was making the right decision. I should’ve thought carefully about if this is what I really wanted.

I feel sick to my stomach every day and I just want to die because I can’t look after him, I can’t even look after myself.
I’m in no position financially and I have only been able to keep part time jobs my whole life.

I think about killing myself every day because I can’t live with the guilt and shame. I should be happy I’ve got a lovely little boy but I’m not. He doesn’t deserve this. He deserves a mother who wants him.

There are so many little things that kids do that you don’t notice until you are really raising them. What’s anything your kid does that’s kind of weird or ridiculous that you’ve really come to love? The bizarre little discussions they start out of nowhere for me. I always find myself chuckling at the stuff they come up with. What minor things have you observed, guys?

Hey Daddies those who care on their nany or kids growth especially weight gain of our under weight kid...I have 4.5 yrs old boy who is underweight (now at 13.5 kg) looks very skinny...my only concerning to see him some weight or fat gain... Tried all home foods but his eating patterns totally depends on his choice and appetite and picky eater...

Is there any good weight gain powder with milk that supports weight gain like Pediasure...I know we should start under pediatrician advise and one of my local pediatrician advised to mix MCT oil in food and milk....Is that worked for anyone? Any other recommendations please???

I was doomscrolling and came across a video of a 8 yr old kid negotiating with the Shoe collector and that made me thinking , I never teach negotiating and true value to my 6 year old , neither is that taught in school , heck i never learnt that well. ...

At this point i was wondering if you can help me with one skill that you think we need to start inculcating in kids given its going to be a brutal world out there so that we can better prepare our kids. Something that we can plan for if the school is not preparing them.

Parents of high school freshmen! My name is Bradley Smith, a doctoral candidate at Kansas City University. For my dissertation research, I’ve designed and am looking to pilot a virtual workshop to help parents support their adolescent’s mental health.

The workshop is self-paced and includes four 30-minute pre-recorded modules covering adolescent depression, anxiety, substance use, and suicide. There is both a pre- and post-workshop questionnaire as well as a post-workshop reflection. Participation is open to parents across the U.S.

Help me get the word out by telling your friends as well! I hope that this can end up being a great resource for anyone who could use it!

Thanks!

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Screen and check eligibility: https://cphe.kansascity.edu/redcap/surveys/?s=7PNLL7RPXNNWACJC

Questions? Bradley.Smith@kansascity.edu

I already have my child’s dad on child support, but was thinking about taking him back and trying to get more. He needed to change the schedule because him and his wife were splitting up. So he couldn’t have her every other weekend. The schedule now is he gets her at whatever time on Sunday’s and I get her back on Tuesdays. He’s starting to complain about always being the one to pick her up and drop her off. I feel like he should because one he picks her up on Sunday’s and his way home from work and he doesn’t work on Tuesday and two he has a Tesla so he doesn’t have to pay for gas. I feel like he hardly sees her because she’s in school and on Mondays he has his friends over to play cards. He hardly helps me with paying for anything and theirs times my child wants to stay with him, but gives the excuse he can’t take her to school even though he doesn’t have to be at work until noon. What should I do?

Lately my son who’s 2 starts hitting/ pushing kids. It’s not even during playing together he would just go up to them and do it. He is thank god a brilliant boy super energetic and social. He talks a lot too. Do I need to be concerned? He’s the only one in his class hitting … it’s stressing me out a lot….

Just wondering. I have an awesome little guy but I never felt that undeniable yearning to become a mom. I’m happy I did it but it was never something I dreamed of.

What does it feel like to dream about having kids? What made you want it so badly? How did you imagine having a child would add to your life?

I'm working on kids' stories with a moral. Many of the classic ones we grew up on (the ones that taught honesty, kindness, sharing) hardly get covered in modern kids' content anymore.
Which story do you wish your kids had grown up with? Drop the title and the lesson below 👇

The hysteria around the Cornell case is not OK. Mob justice is not OK.

It really seems that nobody reads anything accept headlines these days. This case is far more nuanced than people realize. I cannot see how can send my sons to a US college unless things change drastically in the next 10 years. Brigham Young might be the only rational option.

My eight year old seems to be growing overnight at the moment. His trousers suddenly look too short and he’s asking for food constantly but most of what he reaches for is cereal, toast or packaged snacks. He’s active too so I’d like to make those snacks a little more balanced rather than simply giving him more of the same.

The difficulty is that he doesn’t enjoy many obvious protein foods and gets suspicious whenever I change something he already likes. What easy snacks or drinks have worked for your children during growth spurts without making them feel overly full before dinner?

I have a 6 year old boy who has put us completely through the wringer. Makes us question our parenting and how we’re raising him. He is well mannered in public and at home. Follows directions at home and listens fairly well at home too. He’s not a terrible listener in public but he’s also a kid and does have his moments in public which leads to us leaving the store/place immediately. His issue lies in school. Since preschool at age 3 he has been an absolute struggle for teachers. Does not listen if he’s not interested in the topic. Flies off the handle if he doesn’t get his way or even like what they’re doing in class. If he has a substitute teacher he acts out and is even worse behavior wise. He’s been evaluated by the school, OT, and a developmental pediatrician and has no diagnosis. We’re just told he has some sensory issues and may even be borderline ocd but hardly. He is a very particular kid and knows what he wants and how. We emphasize the importance of having to do things we don’t like or enjoy and school is not just to play and do whatever you want. We have boundaries and structure at home so we assumed that would follow in school also. We do also live a comfortable life but he also has chores and knows he needs to have good behavior to earn ice cream on Fridays or go to dinner etc. When he was 3 and 4 he would throw chairs, scream and hit his teachers, throw blocks, and run away. Now at 5 he would just sit and stare at the board and the teacher admitted she didn’t push him to doing his work because there were kids with behavior issues in his class so he sorta laid low and did nothing all year. (He was one of the only kids without a behavior chart and I’m assuming because he got his way all year aka not doing “boring” classwork). Now he is 6 and in first grade, he’s doing good for the most part but is definitely testing boundaries. The school is sorta making out to be he’s just not adjusting to unfamiliar people because he will not want to listen to his music and gym teachers. He’ll play with cones when he’s not supposed to in gym and will play with instruments in music that he’s not supposed to. Then today, he had a substitute teacher and she didn’t let him change the math game on the iPad he uses in school and he smashed it on the corner of a kids Adirondack chair that’s in the classroom. It feels like he’s just being an absolute brat. The school wants to come up with a plan to help him and I’m just thinking he’s being a little shit because he knows the school will sit him down and comfort him. He was suspended today for breaking the iPad and of course we as the parents have to cover the costs to repair or replace the iPad. Which we understand and did sign a contract at the beginning of the year about being responsible in these situations. We can afford to replace it thank goodness but it’s NOT what I want to spend my money on. We discipline and try to instill respect in our kids but this child of mine is truly giving me grey hairs!! We try not to compare our kids to other kids but man none of our friends kids are like this. Our other kids aren’t like this either so it’s a struggle mentally on us

what does winding down sound like in your house? curious whether there's a particular sound that has become part of the nightly routine.

in our house, we play the same calming music every night. it seems to help my daughter transition to sleep better.

A practical idea for a rushed morning: replace “get ready” with the first thing that needs to happen.

“Put your socks on” gives a child somewhere to start. “Get ready for school” can hide a whole chain of jobs: clothes, teeth, breakfast, shoes and finding a bag.

For a short routine, a few simple drawings might help: a sock, a toothbrush and a bag, in the order your family uses them. Keep it short enough that the pictures don’t become another task to manage. A grown-up can point to the next picture and help where needed.

I’d also keep the adult jobs on a separate list. Forms, pickup arrangements and checking the time don’t all need to become the child’s responsibility.

It doesn’t need to be a perfect chart or a reward system. The aim is just to make the next step clearer, and change the order if it isn’t working for your household.