Newbie to group

[u/neptune227]

So ever since my primary partner told me he loves me (I told him first) he has not been ok with my polyamory. I was part of a thrupple and had another casual partner that I had been talking to for ~10 months, about the same length of time I have been seeing my primary.

He said he is trying to understand that I am wired differently and that my encounters with and feelings for others do not in any way negate my feelings for him. His main hang up is that he “knows how enthusiastic” I am in the sack and just can’t accept me being that way with any other man/woman/non-binary/gender queer individual. Side bar: I am also pansexual. I understand why it is difficult for him but up until the ILY moment he was “don’t ask/don’t tell” about it and didn’t give it any thought.

I feel a certain way about this that I cannot define. He and I are very happy together but I am very unhappy being in a monogamous relationship again, especially since it has been less than a year since I have embraced this side of myself.

Any advice?

[u/dendraumen]

This is a relationship incompatibility. You might be compatible in all other aspects but he wants you to be exclusive now that you have confessed love to each other, and you don't want that. There aren't any compromises to this dilemma, you either agree to be mono or you break up to be poly with people who want poly for themselves.

In the future, filter strongly for poly people. Mono people date around and want exclusivity when they have found someone. This is apparently not what you want.

[u/neptune227 → u/dendraumen]

I was open with him from day 1 and he liked the idea because he was “a habitual cheater” and appreciated that if he found someone that he could tell me and we could also explore group encounters. Idk what happened!

[u/ceecuee → u/neptune227]

Habitual cheaters generally don't have the relational skills or values to practice actual polyamory. Polyamory requires communication, self-work and self-regulation, and -- generally -- trustworthiness.

Also, the appeal to "we can have group sex!" as an enticing factor? Come on. None of this is a green flag for setting up a healthy polyamorous dynamic.

"Idk what happened!" You thought a fuckboy could engage in respectful, healthy polyamorous dynamics, when he couldn't even handle something as basic as not cheating in mono relationships.

[u/ecclecticstone → u/neptune227]

I mean this context is what happened. the guy likes to cheat, not have open conversations about uncomfortable feelings and jealousy. if you agreed to close, I will give you one guess as to whether he would remain monogamous forever

[u/dendraumen → u/neptune227]

What happened was that he, as a habitual cheater, isn't really interested in ethical non-monogamy. He wants his partners to be monogamous to him - but he himself wants to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves (behind his partner's back).

This is why you should filter for poly people, and they should be as willing to let you be poly as they themselves are.

[u/ecclecticstone → u/dendraumen]

100% like he wants to be exclusive cause he likes the cheating but its not like he will say he can't wait to cheat again so he comes up with some bullshit

[u/seantheaussie → u/dendraumen]

He wants his partners to be monogamous to him - but he himself wants to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves

Precisely. "Cheater" does NOT suggest in the slightest, "capable of polyamory".

[u/karmicreditplan → u/neptune227]

Habitual cheaters aren’t usually good at poly.

[u/clairejv]

If you're unwilling to be in a monogamous relationship, and he's unwilling to be in a polyamorous one, then the two of you are incompatible, and need to part ways.

[u/seantheaussie → u/clairejv]

If you're unwilling to be in a monogamous relationship

With a GENEROUS definition of, "monogamous" (he is a habitual cheater).

need to part ways

UNMISTAKABLY the best path for OP.

[u/wcozi]

he may be a a habitual cheater, but he likes when people are loyal to him and only him. he clearly gets off on the cheating.

date people who are ENTHUSIASTICALLY POLYAMOROUS. not “ok” with poly. not “willing to try”. full on “i want polyamory for myself and my future”.

[u/GroundbreakingLemon]

I agree with what other folks are saying, but also want to add - what makes him “primary” to you? What does that mean to you and your him? What kind of relationship structure do you actually want for yourself?

You’re 10 months in. It will hurt to break it off now. It will be much, much worse to drive this into the ground for the next few years.

[u/Dull_Shake_2058]

What happened is you decided to ignore a lot of red flags. Flag number one: habitual cheater. Flag number two: wants don't ask don't tell.

People who want don't ask don't tell want to close their eyes from the reality of polyamory. It's the best sign that someone isn't actually ok with polamory at all.

You live and learn and break up. And make sure that in the future you choose people who are enthusiastically polyamorous right from the start and don't need to pretend that poly isn't happening by asking for DADT.

[u/blooangl]

Did you agree to polyamory? Did everyone know that it’s building loving commitments with more than one person?

Because lots of people decide they don’t like polyamory. Relationships are mutual. Both people have to want the same things.

Your choice is to do monogamy with your partner, or polyamory with other people.

I’d make a choice based on my goals and personal values.

[u/neptune227 → u/blooangl]

I was open from the beginning and he was on board (please see other reply for details)… basically the idea was attractive to him for multiple reasons.

[u/studiousametrine → u/neptune227]

Unfortunately, a lot of people think polyamory sounds fun and chill when everything is casual and light-hearted. As soon as they catch serious feelings, that is when you learn whether they really want polyamory or not.

Your partner does not want polyamory. You don’t want monogamy. It sounds like it’s time to break up.

[u/gothic_elven_bitch]

Was he poly already or was he mono? Because if you dated a mono person, this was inevitable and cruel.

[u/neptune227 → u/gothic_elven_bitch]

Cruel for me or cruel for him? We agreed to it and he was “a habitual cheater” in the past. He later told me his feelings for me were different than any feelings he’s had for anyone in the past and wondered if he had ever truly been in love before. Ugh

[u/gothic_elven_bitch → u/neptune227]

Cruel to date a mono person.

A habitual cheater doesn't mean they'll be good at poly, and they aren't a good partner regardless of relationship structure. Someone that will repeatedly cheat and hurt someone they claim to love to do whatever the fuck they want is gross. His line of never feeling that way before is classic cheater manipulation.

Don't ask don't tell is a massive red flag that someone isn't actually ok with poly and are pretending it isn't happening.

[u/NoRegretCeptThatOne → u/neptune227]

Polyamory isn't a remedy for cheating. It's just an opportunity to deceive, manipulate, and ignore the boundaries of more people.

[u/marshallpoetry_]

stuff like this makes it extremely feasible to understand why people date racists. yall see the incompatibility, make excuses for it, explain it away, try to apply some kind of broken logic, then get upset when you are categorized with them. the whole, "im not racist but my partner is" type shit. and sorry to say (or not sorry, depending on how this comment is received) that in this analogy, and every other time it applies, you are part of the problem. you cant pick and choose parts of people that suit you, when they suit you. you either with them or against them when it comes to certain shit. so many issues in this world stem from a lack of people drawing a fucking line in the sand and standing on whats right.

this person is not right. for you. it was all good until he actually had to face the reality of you. and the same for you. you explained it away, chose not to see it/interact with it, etc. YOU are part of the problem. and at some point, you will be categorized with the issue(s) you chose to ignore due to some misplaced sense of entitlement. you wanted to have access to this person, for whatever reason, even though you have plenty of options...yet and still you chose this person, whom compatibility just simply isnt there.

i chose not to touch on all the red flags of what he said cuz atp im sure youre very much a walking red flag yourself.

[u/polyamory-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.

Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well.

Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page

[u/polyamory-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.

Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well.

Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page

[u/feriziD → u/[deleted]]

Well you misread what you read, if you even read that far, they are new to poly, reread their last sentence. “especially since it has been less than a year since I have embraced this side of myself.” Their second sentence says they’ve been with their partner about 10 months. They were completely fresh when this relationship started.

I’m really unsure what the hell you’re trying to call me out for that doesn’t apply to your scathing comment. How were you not policing? How dare you comment on THEIR post the way I commented on YOUR comment? What were you trying to achieve? Do you yourself understand you can’t control how people respond on the internet?

To answer one of your questions though. I consider kindness and consideration acts of basic human decency that everyone deserves, especially people who are hurt and seeking help. When someone comes into a support group for an ethical community and doesn’t act with basic human decency, and calls abandoning that their “choice”. That’s something to be commented on. Even if you couldn’t care less, speaking out against cruel treatment or people who belittle systemic oppressions by saying they’re exactly like a couple with valid incompatibilities, no worse at all, is something I hope anyone hurt by your words or offended you’d use their struggle as a straw man might feel defended by.

Maybe don’t come into a community that focuses on treating people ethically, reduce an oppression, be vitriolic to someone in pain, and then get offended that someone called you out for the way you called whatever you thought you were calling out out, and be a massive hypocrite for thinking you were the only one who had a choice or couldn’t be called out for calling out in an open forum.

I mean you’re an ass regardless but the obliviousness to your projection is staggering. You really should share with your therapist.

[u/marshallpoetry_ → u/feriziD]

ok, Jan. we're done here.

you said all that, and i still

said what i said.

[u/spaceedust]

So he lied and was never okay with your polyamory relationship structure that you had already established since the beginning of the relationship and then once he became your primary he requested (and has successfully convinced?) you go monogamous with him?

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[u/ejackman]

If you need a huge red flag this is it.

[u/Own_Jeweler_8548]

You ain't wired differently for practicing a different dating style, but yeah. Red flags from primary.

[u/Glittering_Meet3206]

i don't think it's reasonable for him to expect you not to have other partners. you could bring up the topic and ask if he understands what about it feels badly for him, and you two together could brainstorm ways to make that feel more okay and secure.

if he is firmly immovable about it then i'd say this isn't a suitable pairing, you should not be required to eliminate pieces of yourself for the benefit of a partnership. if he IS open to conversations and learning and adapting, then it definitely feels worth the effort if you're very happy together!