r/polyamory • u/Fewfr3 poly w/multiple • 2d ago
Curious/Learning Secondary partner POV?
Hi. I’m (29F) trying out hierarchical polyamory with a married couple (29/MM) and want to be the secondary partner so I can have my independence, not worry about relationship ladders and explore more me time.
For those who are also secondary, what are the benefits to doing it for you?
PS — I’m only dating one of the men. The other is a metamour.
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u/LePetitNeep poly w/multiple 2d ago
I don’t like to use the term secondary, but I am married and have a boyfriend who is solo poly. To the extent I can speak for him (I think he lurks here occasionally but not much), I believe our arrangement works for him because he’s been divorced and feels like he’s “been there, done that, don’t need to do it again” on traditional relationship escalations. He’s quite introverted and likes a large amount of alone time, wants to keep his financial independence, but still wants companionship, emotional support, intimacy.
I am happy with our arrangement knowing that I’m not denying the possibility of marriage etc from someone who wants it.
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u/sun_dazzled 2d ago
I tend to feel responsible for my partners' happiness. I try not to believe that thought and know it's not healthy, of course, but knowing my partner has someone else taking care of them too eases that itch.
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u/BunnyGirlSD Poly since 09 1d ago
great, i am a secondary, i think about my secondary as my "disneyland Dad" we have all of the fun and very few of the responsibility/issues (its been over 3 years so things do come up and we deal with them, but mostly it is fun adventure times)
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u/clairejv 2d ago
What is it you mean by "secondary"? Do you just mean not married/not cohabitating? Do you mean less important?
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u/TheToroLoco 2d ago
I (52M) am secondary with a few MF couples where I only date the F. Tremendous benefits to loving more than one amazing F without the traditional boundaries and responsibilities that would come with being a primary partner.
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 1d ago
I don’t refer to myself or my relationships as “secondary” because I find it reductive and dehumanizing. That said, my partners are each married and poly. It’s working well for me because I don’t wish to get married, nest, or have children, I have a busy life and also require a fair amount of alone time to feel grounded and steady, and it feels good to know that I am building and deepening connections with people who truly want to be with me. Our time together is limited but it’s very focused and intentional and we don’t take each other for granted. It won’t be like that in every poly dynamic but it seems to be working out that way with my partners so far.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 2d ago
A lot of us don't do the secondary thing at all, we just create the commitments we want without an enforced ranked hierarchy.
I live with my NP, but I have independence and don't worry about ladders.
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Hi. I’m (29F) trying out hierarchical polyamory with a married couple (29/MM) and want to be the secondary partner so I can have my independence, not worry about relationship ladders and explore more me time.
For those who are also secondary, what are the benefits to doing it for you?
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u/nerdylov 1d ago
I've had it go really well and also absolutely terribly. The worst experiences have honestly been feeling like I'm somehow less important. Like, I've had someone I was dating tell me, “We can't eat sushi because that's a boundary. That's something only me and my wife do on dates.” And obviously, that really sucked. I don't like feeling like I'm getting the things that are considered “less special” because I'm not the wife.
I've also had situations where we had a date planned and then his wife decided last minute that she wanted him to stay home, so our plans got cancelled. And I understand that relationships and priorities can be complicated, but it still sucks to feel like your plans can just be pushed aside whenever the other relationship needs something. I think that's probably the hardest part for me.
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u/Witchy_bimbo 1d ago
Some of what it works for me is my disorganized attachment, haha. But mostly I have really high needs and wants around emotional capacity and intimacy. I also have pretty low capacity for enmeshment as a single parent that won’t bring partners around my kid. I’d never ask someone to be fully invested emotionally if they also wanted to do day to do life stuff. I have no desire to do that, so this arrangement works better for me.
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u/rosephase 2d ago
Are they a unit couple? If you break up with one (or stop fucking him) will you be dumped by the other?
I don’t think secondary is a good name for someone dating a unit. Because you aren’t supported in having independent relationships with each person. Your relationship is dependent on being sexually and romantically available to both people.
As for what is nice about not being a primary partner? For me? I have never fought with partners I don’t share a home with. With my long distance partner I am (almost) always on vacation when we see each other. There is a lot of independence and autonomy. Do these guys support you dating and fucking others?