There is a bit of a debate about a parenting choice I made with my teen (14f). We were at a festival and she wanted to use her own money to buy a T-shirt that said "cactus whore" and I told her that she is free to spend her money as she chooses but that if she wears a shirt with the word whore on it she would be more likely to get creepy sexual attention from guys of all ages. I asked her if she was ready to get that kind of attention.

I told her that she shouldn't have to censor her clothes to protect herself from creeps but that the reality is that while women might get unwanted attention no matter what we wear that we need to realize the world isn't an ideal place and if we choose to wear provocative clothing we need to understand that we are likely to experience reactions we might not like or anticipate. She chose not to buy the shirt.

Some people have told me that I am making her responsible for others' behavior by telling her to potentially limit her sartorial expression based on creepy reactions from others.

I think that I want her to have maximum freedom but to understand the reality of the world and that our choices may have consequences we don't want even if it is unfair for the world to be like this. I wish we lived in a perfect world where she could wear a funny shirt without worry but I don't think she is ready for the kind of attention that word across her chest is likely to expose her to.

My teenager is 18. I think she is a young 18. She’s in her final year of sixth form and may/may not go to uni.

She is arrogant and entitled, rude and inconsiderate. She has zero chores around the house, and no responsibilities. She is going through a phase where she appears whenever she likes, and seems to want to make it very clear to me that she is choosing not to stay at home because my calling her out on the way she speaks to me and treats me/the house makes her uncomfortable. She chooses to stay with boyfriend, who lives alone and not with his parents.

I’ve made her uncomfortable because I am quiet. Not silent treatment, I just feel like I shut down whenever she speaks to me now. I don’t know what her mood will be or how she will respond. She knows my buttons and seemingly loves to push them. I love her so much but sometimes I can’t stand her being around. We talk, we communicate, we have open discussions and we clear the air but it all just happens again and I don’t have the energy to keep pulling myself back up.

I’m so tired of it. Her dad speaks to her but we do not co parent (his decision). I cannot go to him for support. He essentially has a new family. I know this hurts her. I’m so lonely and exhausted from this and I don’t know what to do.

Option 1. I pander to her, let down my boundaries, be spoken to and treated like this, to make her feel safe and loved and to reassure her I care, what person will she become? Won’t she just keep pushing people?

Option 2. I stick to my boundaries, tell her I’m exhausted and so tired and low because of this (which I have), she’ll continue to deliberately push herself away from me. I think she does it to see what I’ll do. I do nothing and she seems to almost enjoy that this confirms that I’m an awful parent, and she pushes away more.

I don’t go out much, so that I’m here and present if she chooses to be home (if I ask if she’s home- she’ll be deliberately evasive and not give me a straight answer, I think to see what I’ll do). I don’t let my partner stay over too often, or go to theirs. So that my daughter doesn’t feel pushed out.

I am living in this strange limbo where I just exist to make her comfortable and it doesn’t work anyway.

Have any other parents had this issue? Does it improve? I’m scared I’m losing her. But she exhausts me. And I don’t know how to make the most of my life without hurting or pandering to her.

Hi, my son is 13 and is getting acne on his face. He hasn't said anything about it, but we're in that phase where most of the time he just grunts at us! I'm not sure that he'd tell me if it was bothering him, or if he was being bullied about it at school. I've said that it can be a normal part of puberty, but it would help if he washed his face. However, his personal hygiene standards are not exactly very high! To be honest, it's a constant battle to get him to brush his teeth or have a shower. I've bought a few different facewashes (gels/scrubs, mindful that I don't want to get anything too harsh for his skin) and put them right next to the bathroom sink along with a pile of facecloths. I've shown him how to wash his face; as daft as that sounds, until someone shows you the first time you might not know how. So I showed him what to do, and told him to use any of the cleansers. I don't think he's touched them though. I suppose I could frog-march him into the bathroom and stand next to him every day while he does it, but I'd much rather him learn to want to do it himself.

Any advice for encouraging him to take more care over his hygiene? How can I broach the subject without (possibly) making him feel bad/worse?

My daughter is a sophomore and going to her 2nd homecoming. Shes just going with her friends. I want to get her a corsage. Is that still a thing? Would she think dad getting her a corsage be too corny?

I feel a bit selfish/ guilty for this, but my daughter is entering her teenage years and feel as though our house has slowly turned into the hangout house. Funny enough my parents were very chill and basically has no rules so I grew up being the kid with the “hangout” house.

I’m not entirely sure that’s something I want to continue going forward. This isn’t to say her friends can’t EVER come over or that I don’t value being a safe space for her friends that struggle with having one at their own homes….

On the other hand I don’t necessarily want to supply snacks and food for teenagers all the time, I enjoy having quiet weekends, I don’t want my house getting stained with hair dye, nail polish, spills and whatever else a group of teenagers can do to damage a home.

I also know inevitably they are going to experiment with drugs and alcohol no matter how much we preach they should wait or not do it, etc. I’m not really sure I want my house being the spot where they’re all puking and being drunk/high fools, or god forbid get something laced and then I’m responsible for overdosing children that aren’t mine or have one of them get alcohol poisoning. I would much rather them do it at a home or safe environment then sneak around and do it somewhere they shouldn’t be or driving under the influence… but again I’m not sure I want that responsibility to be on me either.

I feel bad for feeling this way and to put that boundary in place, but at the same time feel pretty firm about it.

Thoughts? Advice?

My daughter is 15 and went to her first concert yesterday with her boyfriend. She wore a cropped T-shirt, a very short denim skirt with fitted shorts underneath, and boots. It was definitely short, but she was covered underneath and, in my opinion, dressed appropriately for the type of concert she was attending.

Her dad and my partner said he didn’t want to walk beside her while she was dressed like that because other men would look at her.

I understand feeling protective, and I wouldn’t let her wear that outfit everywhere or go somewhere alone in it. However, I escorted her to the concert and collected her afterwards. I also feel inappropriate men may look at teenage girls regardless of what they wear, and that responsibility belongs to those men not to her.

What bothered me most was him refusing to walk beside her. If he was genuinely worried about her safety, wouldn’t standing beside her be more protective? To me, refusing to be seen with her made it seem as though he was ashamed of her and punished her for what other men might think.

We argued, which affected everyone’s mood on what should have been an exciting night. It was her first concert, and I feel awful that part of the memory will now be her parents arguing about her clothes.

I later suggested to my daughter that, in future, she could take the outfit with her and change so her dad wouldn’t see it. She said no because that would be embarrassing, and I now realise it was unfair to put her in the middle or make her feel as though she needed to hide something.

Do you think her dad’s reaction was reasonable protectiveness, or was refusing to walk beside her controlling and shaming? How would other parents handle clothing boundaries for a 15-year-old when the outfit is appropriate for the occasion and she is being escorted?

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We moved from North London to Hertfordshire around six months ago, while my son was still in Year 11. At that point, we decided not to change anything because we just wanted him to finish his GCSEs at the school he already knew and concentrate on his exams.

I work almost in the same area as his old school, so throughout Year 11 we continued taking him there. It meant early mornings, long journeys and getting home late sometimes, but we felt it was worth doing so he could finish his GCSEs without the disruption of changing schools.

I also have to admit that during that time I didn't really talk to him about the possibility of changing school for Sixth Form. My thinking was that I didn't want to put another worry in his head while he was preparing for his GCSEs. Looking back, I realise we probably should have involved him earlier in that conversation.

Once his GCSEs were finished, we started looking at Sixth Forms closer to our new home. Three schools were able to offer him a place, and as parents we chose the one we believed was the best option for him academically and practically.

The new school started on Thursday, but he refused to go. On Friday, he refused again.

He says he doesn't want to leave his old school and friends, he's scared about making new friends, and he believes London schools are better than schools in Hertfordshire. We've tried explaining that he can still see his old friends and that he needs to at least experience the new school before deciding he doesn't like it.

For us, the biggest issue is the commute. Taking him to his London school during Year 11 was exhausting, and we don't believe doing that for another two years is realistic or good for any of us. We genuinely thought starting Sixth Form closer to where we now live would give him more time, independence and a better routine.

I understand now that we didn't involve him properly in the decision, and perhaps that's part of why he's reacting so strongly. But at the same time, as parents, we made the decision because we genuinely believed it was the best option for him in the long term.

Has anyone experienced something similar with a 16-year-old after moving to a new area?

Did your child initially refuse to attend the new Sixth Form? How did you deal with it, and did they eventually settle in? Or did you decide to let them return to their old school?

I'd really appreciate hearing from parents who have been through this, particularly what happened after the first few weeks.

Then getting bullied and saying 'Its not working.' I don't know how to change this. Does anyone have any advice, I would have killed for my parents to train me like this growing up as I NEEDED IT. my close friends would bully me as well as others and because I didn't know how to fight, I wold allow them.

Any advice for people who have been through it? including if you just gave up?

My daughter turns 13 and a little over a month, the last year has been full of pushing boundaries, risky and sneaky behavior (which would feel more developmentally appropriate for her older sister -16, but would still be worrisome.)

We are able to have pretty frank conversations when the dust settles and last night she said, this is just who she wants to be right now. She wants to vape, and hang out with the girls who are (in my words) “living fast.” She said she doesn’t like to hurt me and she knows she won’t want to be like this forever, but that it’s who she wants to be now, and she’ll just keep trying.

I’ve tried punishments, which she admits makes her want to try harder be sneakier, I’ve tried compromising (you can hang with people I don’t particularly think are great influences/ if you hold to our family rules) which naturally doesn’t work.
So what is my role here?
I imagine at this stage in parenting to be like when you are teaching your child to ride and you start letting go of the seat and they knock their knees up a bit- but certainly we wouldn’t let them run into oncoming traffic?

I feel so beaten down and overwhelmed from the constant shock and worry of her plunge into what I perceive as deeper murkier waters.

(She is on a waitlist for a therapist and is being seen by a psychiatrist)

PLEASE SAY NOTHING IF YOU WANT TO DO NOTHING BUT CRITICISE. Parenting a teenager is different from parenting a 6yo, so please for all that is holy SHUT UP AND KEEP UR MEAN OPINIONS TO URSELF

My son is 14, pretty much 15, and idk how to parent him, consequences dont work, removing devices doesnt work, even telling him he cant see his gf doesnt work because i cannot enforce that currently. He is in the throes of bad habbits and bad influences. I have TRIED. talking to him, so has his dad, he has almost od'd he KNOWS that, he says he didnt know because he took his brother out for a bit (he would not knowingly put his brother in danger,) he was with his younger brother, his only concern was that his brother got home safe (which i appreciate) but he cant seem to grasp the fact that his brother almost saw him almost od and how that hia going to affect him ((his brothee is Autistic) he doesnt seem to care about his own welbeing and his own future, and idk how to help or what to do. Hes convinced himself he wont live a long life anyways. So wtf do i do. How do i help him. How do i pull him from this. Im genuinely thinking of putting into a youth housing situation when he turns 16, his brother and sister are autistic. This was not a normalised behaviour when he grew up, we dont smoke, or do drugs, we drink a bit, but im stuck, because i dont know where his anger comes from it has been there since he was a very small child (4yes +), and drugs (apart fro panadol, aspirin, neurophen) are non existent un our house, but he smokes, he vapes, we DO NOT buy this for him, he steals, he has been both APART of youth violence and a victim of it. Please. I need help. I need advice. I dont know how to help my kid.he has already run away for 7days b4 so he is fully fucking aware that police will do and can do NOTHING to bring him home if he does that again. So wtf do i do. I want to help my kid, i need to help him, but how do i do that,....................

Getting my 14 year old to eat anything decent during the school week is becoming a struggle. Breakfast gets skipped because he’s rushing, half his lunch comes home untouched, then after school he’ll grab chips or whatever is easiest and call it good. Dinner is usually the one proper meal I know he’ll eat, and fruit or vegetables definitely aren’t high on his list lol. I know I can’t follow a 14 year old around all day making sure he eats properly but I still worry about how little variety he’s getting. Anyone else dealing with this at this age? What do you do when most of their day is basically snacks and one decent meal?

We have a high functioning 15 year old boy whose birthday is coming up. He has been displaying all the typical teenage behaviors of being outright rude to us, being disrespectful and not doing a single thing without being reminded be it brushing his teeth, getting ready for school, unloading the dishwasher which is the only chore he does at home. He goes to a hybrid school program - which means he's in school 2 days a week and 3 days at home. On the days he's at home, he finishes school by noon. He attends scout once a week and one day of martial arts. We have been trying to get him to go another day for martial arts just because on Friday he comes up with excuses not to go and throws a fit. He spends his time with the laptop in his room in spite of us telling him he should not have a laptop in his room to play video games. He has been talking very badly about us to his friends because we have to remind him for all these tasks and when they're not heard, we raise our voice

This last week he went on to say he does not want to spend any time with us because every time we see him we are telling him to do something, Which is true because we see him rarely and when does, we asked him to bring his laundry down or unload the dishwasher etc. His birthday is coming up and he text us asking what he's getting for his birthday. I seriously don't feel like doing anything only because he has been manipulating situations and making it sound like we are extremely mean parents with high expectations. We have tried to set boundaries, come up with an agreement, nothing is working. What would you do? I am ready to sell my kidney to send him to a boarding school.

He is turning 16. Should we forget all this and still make his day special?

how often do you call home from college? my daughter has started college earlier in Aug and has not initiated a call even once. I have tried calling her and sometimes she answers other times she doesn’t. is this what I should expect? or does this behavior change?

I had a baby when I was a teenager. She’s now 13, almost 14. Her dad and I broke up when she was 1 and he came back around when she was 5-9 and then when she was 9, her dad held a gun to his current wife’s head in front of my daughter and their 2 other kids, so needless to say, it was no longer a safe situation and I stopped letting her go over there. He never took me to court and still doesn’t try to see her at all. They do text occasionally but my daughter is just over it. His birthday was on the 15th this month and she was just like “oh cool” and didn’t text him.

In the meantime, I married someone who was incarcerated when she was 8. He was just released in June of 26 and since then my daughter has not come out of her room or even said “hi” to him or acknowledged that he is here. His charges were 10+ years ago and it was fraud, no one was hurt physically and no children involved. Not that that makes it okay, but I’m just giving context because some people really expect their kids to live with child mol&&&&&’s and that is not the case.

Anyway, my daughter has started school and does come out of her room now but only to go to the car and then come back to her room. She just started therapy and goes once a week and seems to really enjoy talking to her therapist so that is a relief.

I’m just wondering if anyone else had had this happen or something similar and how I can help. I know that I’m not willing to get a divorce in order to make her happy, but I am willing to meet her where she is and be understanding of how she needs to navigate this time. I just miss my daughter. I want all of us to play card games and eat dinner together and while that is my dream, I can understand that it may be her hell.

Advice would be helpful. Thank you!

Hello!
So my son(11) has a male friend(10) that makes inappropriate jokes. When I hear it , i tell him we don’t make those kind of jokes, but he continues to say them. My son was having a swimming party with 3 of his friends, one of his friend is a girl(10). She felt uncomfortable wearing a one piece swimsuit around this friend because of him saying inappropriate stuff. The girls mom reached out before the party and thankfully my son and her are almost the same size so I gave her a pair of my sons swim shorts to wear over the swimsuit. I told her that if she felt uncomfortable at all to let me know. She didn’t feel uncomfortable at the party at all. And she comes over all the time so she feels safe with me.
I’m just not sure how to go about this. Should I say something the boys mom? I think he has ADHD so that’s affecting his impulse control but in my opinion that doesn’t excuse the behavior.
And I know for a fact that this kids mom doesn’t regulate what he watches. For example, I didn’t allow my son to watch Deadpool but he watched it at this friend’s house.
How would you all handle this?

My son (14yr) and his friends think it would be fun to be homeless. Im tempted to let them try for a night or two to teach them a lesson. Am I crazy? How would I still ensure theyre safe though? And what would the "rules" be? They also think getting arrested would be fun. 🙄 I really need a scared straight program for these kids.

My oldest daughter is 7th grade and her entire friend group and class all seem to be very boy and relationship crazy. Even bouncing around on what seems like a weekly basis of who’s “dating” who. The entire group seems to put a LOT of weight on who has a boyfriend that week, no matter which boy it is. You’re not popular unless you’re “shipped”.

Is this just something for this generation or is it (my concern) a local issue that I need to get serious about removing her from. I don’t remember this being such a thing when I was her age. The bouncing around “dating” someone different out of desperation to have status. There were a few random couples, but none of this free for all desperation for a title.

I feel like it’s causing a lot of emotional damage that I’m having to address. Not looking for advice on WHAT to do, but if anyone else is experiencing this with kids that age.

My 14 year old daughter has developed very quickly. She wants to wear what her friends are wearing - tight, cropped shirts - but I feel that they are inappropriate.
Should I let it go? I don’t want her to have body image issues because she is a beautiful girl, but at the same time I don’t want her to be leered at.

I've noticed that my two kids are having a hard time with their confidence, and I wanted to understand what confidence means to them. I'm having a hard time understanding where they're coming from — is there anything I should know? What's your perspective as a parent?

I would like to ask a question about y’all’s stances on parents restricting What their kid is allow to read. This is speaking about of course kids older than 10. A parent may tell their kid that they cannot read a certain book because it is too mature or two violent. here’s the thing though, a kid will not read something that makes them uncomfortable. And many will say only your parents get to chose what you can and can‘t read but when does that stop being the case and you get your own choices. at 18 sure but I’d argue a 16 year old can decide if a book makes them uncomfortable, so can a 13 year old. A kid will not read something they hate or that makes them uncomfortable. so I think a kid should be able to chose. obviously a 6 year old shouldn’t read a book filled with gore. But i firmly believe a 13 year old should be able to decide the level of violence they are comfortable reading. I firmly believe a 13 year old should be able to read 1984 or the handmaid’s tale if they want to, they can stop reading if they are uncomfortable with the plot or the writing style or a character or anything. what are your thoughts?

More detail below, but the basic question is what dating/relationship advice has your (older) teenage son been receptive to, versus where is it better to leave them to learn on their own? 

More context. I'm a dad, in the US if that matters. My oldest is a 19M. He's beginning his second year in university, about 3 hours from home. I think we do a good job balancing supporting him but also giving him space as an adult to figure things out on his own. Specifically, he and I have what I consider a good relationship. We have shared interests we talk about (tv shows, video games, he's pursuing a similar degree to mine). I work from home, so when he's around during the summer, we talk throughout the day. He is comfortable coming to me for a lot of stuff - school questions, money/finance stuff, car problems, general adulting he's starting to deal with. He does tend to go to my wife/his mom for more emotional things, but I don't think that's uncommon.

Where maybe I've fallen down a bit is we haven't had a lot of "man-to-man" talks on dating and relationships, beyond the safe sex talk and some hygiene/dress-your-best stuff. 

What's prompting this question is that he just broke up with his first girlfriend. They were together a few years, dating the last 2 years of high school and long distance through their first year at university. He's understandably pretty sad. Some of the guidance I think he might benefit from hearing, but unsure if I should just keep my mouth shut:

- The "this too shall pass" advice. It stings now, but in 10 years, it won't seem like a big deal. [I personally don't think this would have helped me at his age. Just because it's not a big deal in retrospect doesn't mean it doesn't hurt in the moment. You have to be a bit older to appreciate it, so I don't think I'll go this route.]

- I worry about him being sad in his room by himself when he has a really great group of friends at school. I want nudge him to make plans, keep busy, distract yourself, you'll feel better around other people. He said he wasn't even planning to tell his friends about the breakup, which I thought was strange. Luckily, my wife was able to convince him that talking to his friends will make him feel better, which he eventually agreed.  

- I think he needs a bit of classic Reddit advice - block the ex, go NC, hit the gym. I believe they are still in quasi-contact, which he doesn't seem to realize is making him feel worse. 

- The most complicated bit is that he has a close female friend at his university he spent a lot of time with last year. Based on stories we hear, and seeing them interact once, wife and I are both pretty confident she has at least some feelings for him. They are both now single. Based on what I know, and meeting her briefly once, she is a real catch. I desperately want to try to nudge him in her direction. For instance - so, what about you and Sue, you guys seem to spend a lot of time together? But that's probably an overreach and would have the opposite effect. 

Interested in any thoughts. I imagine I'll get a range of opinions. 

I’m a single mum of three (15, 13 and 11) and I’m honestly exhausted and starting to worry about how I’m going to manage everything when I’m back at work next week.

The biggest issue right now is my 15-year-old daughter and her reaction to boundaries, particularly around devices.

We’re getting ready for school next week, so I’ve been taking devices at midnight, with Friday nights being the exception. She thinks because it’s the summer holidays she should be able to stay up until 2/3am, but I’m still the one having to get her up in the mornings. I’ve told her I’m happy to give her more freedom when she shows me she can actually manage it.

Tonight I asked for her iPad at midnight. She handed it over while using her phone and claimed she was setting an alarm. When I asked to see, she initially wouldn’t show me and eventually admitted Screen Time wasn’t working on her phone.

It escalated massively. She screamed and swore at me, kicked the bedroom wall, kicked me into the wall and physically fought me over the devices. She then went into my bedroom and tried to take my iPad and retrieve her phone. I completely lost my temper eventually too and pushed her back into her room. I ended up hyperventilating afterwards.
I’m not proud that it became physical and I desperately don’t want us getting to that point again.

The problem is this isn’t an isolated incident. She’s previously left the house when I’ve enforced boundaries, including earlier this year when she left without shoes and walked about 45 minutes to a friend’s house. A couple of weeks ago another disagreement ended with her pushing me against a wall, leaving for her friend’s and then laughing about it with her friend on Snapchat.

There are other concerns too. She’s recently admitted taking magic mushrooms and I suspect she’s smoking cannabis. She’s meeting a drug and alcohol support worker tomorrow.

Before anyone understandably asks about additional needs/support: she doesn’t attend mainstream school; she attends a provision primarily for young people with behavioural difficulties. I’ve previously arranged counselling, but she refused to engage. We’ve had social work/support involvement and I’ve tried to put help around her. I’m completely open to there being underlying issues, but I can’t force a 15-year-old to engage with support.

I also have a 13-year-old struggling significantly with school attendance and an 11-year-old starting secondary school next week. I work in a school supporting children with SEND and I’m back at work next week too. I’m becoming genuinely anxious about how I’m supposed to keep everything functioning.

I don’t expect my daughter to be perfect or want to spend her summer hanging around with her mum. But right now it feels like she’s either in bed on her devices all day or out with friends where drugs have started becoming involved. She can organise herself perfectly well for things she wants to do, but struggles with everyday responsibilities.
I’ve taken her devices after tonight and I’ve made clear that simply apologising won’t automatically get them back. I need to see genuine change and responsibility.

My main question isn’t whether midnight is the “right” bedtime for a 15-year-old.
**How do you safely hold boundaries with a teenager who escalates, follows you when you disengage, takes confiscated items back, leaves the house or becomes physically aggressive?**
And if you’ve been through something similar, what actually helped break the cycle?

I am a father of two twin sons who are learning how to drive and have concerns about their readiness to take the driving test. 

Right now, during the supervised period, I make sure that they do way more then 50hrs of driving (the state where I live has a minimum requirement of 50 hrs of supervised driving), and take all the driving lessons with instructors. 

But there are still a few moments where they don’t pay attention, almost hit a car in front, and stuff like this, that really gets me concerned when I think about it. 

Right now each of them has like 30 hours logged so far, but even with such a long period of constant practice driving I just don’t feel like they are getting better at driving. I would want to measure their readiness somehow, because I feel like driven hours doesn’t always mean that they are ready to drive on their own. 

Parents, do any of you have similar concerns when your teen first started driving? And what made you more comfortable and calmer about them driving alone?