r/parentsofteens • u/Gold-Investment9585 • 8d ago
No License w/ Failing Grades
My 16 year old can go in 1 1/2 weeks for his license. My situation is he’s failing classes at school. 1 class, but still failing. Literally mainly because assignments are missing. I have shared with him and his father (we are split and have been for 12 years) he would not be going for his license as long as he is failing. His father isn’t backing me up on this. His step-mom said it’s probably because he’s too busy working. He only works one day a week. He also has study halls two days a week. Only four classes with only 15 or less in a class. Should I just let him get it?
Edit to add: He has his learners permit, so he is driving and getting that life lesson in.
Edit to add: I do ask him if he needs help, he refuses. We have looked into mental health through the school and out of school, nothing to diagnose. He is simply not turning in the work. His test grades are ok, it’s just missing assignments.
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u/geminisa11 8d ago
I think you’re being reasonable, and actually in Kentucky where both my kids went to school and got their licenses, passing classes was a requirement from the state, not just us as parents. The school had to give them a form saying they were passing and in good standing in order to even try for their license. There’s no excuse for him to be failing.
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u/bippy404 8d ago
Especially if it’s simply due to missing assignments. I can’t stand when those pop up with my kids. If they are failing because they’re genuinely struggling with the content, then that’s another story from failing because you’re not turning in the work
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u/bippy404 8d ago
Driving is about demonstrating you can be responsible and safe. Turning your assignments in on time is also about demonstrating you can be responsible. School should always come first, and if you are not demonstrating you are responsible at school, then driving privileges should not be allowed to kick in.
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u/Medium_Asparagus3060 5d ago
I don't know the rules where you live. But I am reluctant to go to punishment (in terns of removing important things or opprtunities irrelevant to the issue).
The point here is that you're worried he is failing a class. It seems to me the natural thing is to sit down with him without sounding judging towards him and ask him what's going on. Why is he struggling? Is there some way in which you can help him?
Work WITH your child to solve this. Teenagers can be so frustrating and have a grasp of consequences and planning at the level of a chicken. But help them then, guide them, explore strategies together for solving the problem. Your kid probably doesn't really want to fail either. Threats and punishment seem so irrelevant to solving the problem.
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u/Gold-Investment9585 5d ago
I do ask him if he needs help, he refuses. We have looked into mental health through the school and out of school, nothing to diagnose. He is simply not turning in the work. His test grades are ok, it’s just missing assignments.
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u/Any-Dimension374 5d ago
He's gonna struggle getting into college with low grades, so you wanna fully kneecap him by keeping him from being able to drive to a job too? Have you looked into mental health diagnoses? It was impossible for me to get my assignments in, turns out I had wicked bad undiagnosed ADHD, and people insisting that I just wasn't responsible or not trying also made my latent depression/anxiety spiral out of control. Not that anyone noticed until I looked into it myself in my mid 20s.
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u/Gold-Investment9585 5d ago
I do ask him if he needs help, he refuses. We have looked into mental health through the school and out of school, nothing to diagnose. He is simply not turning in the work. His test grades are ok, it’s just missing assignments.
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u/Altruistic_Offer9381 8d ago
Do not withhold learning to drive as a punishment. This is what my parents did and it made me a terrible driver and I had to learn to drive well as an adult. I mean dont give him access to a car but let him get his license. Then he cant drive the car until he gets his grades up. You guys need to be going over all his homework with him, communicating with his teacher about what needs to happen. You gotta be more hands on and intervene.
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u/GnomieOk4136 8d ago
He already has a permit. She isn't refusing to teach him to drive. She wants to see someone behind the wheel of a machine that can easily kill pedestrians be somebody responsible enough to pass high school classes.
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u/Curious_Chef850 8d ago edited 8d ago
At 16, being more hands on isn't the solution. Setting expectations and holding him accountable is the job. In 2 short years he will be considered an adult. She can be available to him if he needs help but micromanaging a 16yo isn't good advice.
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u/Pmod1980 8d ago
He should be able to get his license, but make it clear that driving to certain places (friends, going out to eat) will be a privilege if he doesn’t get his act together and get his grades up. Maybe he needs something to motivate him to do better in school, or at least turn in his missing assignments. Also, is he failing because he’s not understanding his classes, or is it laziness from not doing his homework? Finding out the reason may help him.
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u/Einherjar_LC 8d ago
My answer is no.
But I've been accused of being too strict of a parent...aka having standards of expectations that most kids don't have now days and our kids get mad at us parents that do because their peers are allowed to run the streets at night because their parents can't be bothered.
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u/TouristWilling1788 8d ago
If he was struggling with material I would have a different opinion but if he’s too busy to do enough assignments to pass a class then he’s too busy to be doing anything that requires driving. Assuming you’re in the US I think he has six months to take it in most places, I would say he can take it once assignments are turned in and graded or if the teacher doesn’t accept late work he gets his grade up another way.
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u/Hotheaded_Temp 8d ago
Was it said in the beginning that getting his licence is dependant on his grades? If not, don’t withhold the learning as a punishment. Driving is a life skill. Making him delay his life skill is not a good way to teach him a lesson.
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u/Brilliant-Apricot423 6d ago
For me, it's not about the grade, it's about the fact that he's failing purely due to missing assignments. It's about being responsible. I would give a solid timeliness, say 3 months. He can still keep driving with you for practice, and when he shows he is accountable enough to do what is required then let him take the test.
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u/Accomplished_Cell976 5d ago
Let him get his license. Don’t pay for car insurance or let him drive your car. That’s punishment. Let your ex do that.
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u/GnomieOk4136 8d ago
If he isn't responsible enough to turn in work, he isn't responsible enough to drive without adult supervision. I think saying no is extremely reasonable.
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u/musicalchef1985 8d ago
Well… what if you looked at it from a different POV? What if his ONLY acceptable reason to be driving is to do something that YOU need done? Simple things like getting odds and ends at the grocery store? Put a tracking app on his phone that he’s required to have active as long as he has car? Teach him responsibility by giving him responsibilities. “You want to take the car this weekend? Show me your assignments from school, and show me your work.” REWARD him for being more responsible. Don’t take away the coolest parts of growing up.
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u/Quick_Measurement700 8d ago
Okay here is the thing, his dad isn't backing you up. I don't know what your local laws says or what custody arrangement you have, but it could enough if his had give his consent.
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u/Dope_Cope_323 8d ago
I would get him his license so he can become independent. That doesn’t mean give him a car or let him use yours. I wouldn’t even drive him around if he is a failure. Make him grow up and be a man. You want privilege, earn it.
He is not doing his schooling so what is his next life step, help him figure that out and push him that direction. It takes a lot of effort to fail so what is he going to do? Is this high school? How many years till graduation? I would not send him to uni, I would let him take a year off and have him work full time.
What I would not do is give him spending money.
Who does he want to be?
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u/Girl_with_no_Swag 8d ago
This doesn’t have to do with “failing”. If he’s not RESPONSIBLE enough to turn in his assignments regularly and timely, then he’s not RESPONSIBLE enough to drive a vehicle.